&Wic;Hat Title do you design to give this Book?
Labour in Vain: Or, What Signi&rehy;fies Little or Nothing.
Then I'm like to make a very hopeful Bargain this Morning; and grow Rich like a
Be not angry; for the same Estimate and Epithet the greatest Divines give to the whole World.
I don't like their Characters, or Epithets; for I believe there's a real value in our Coine; and I know little of their Spiritual Notions, neither will I puzzle my Head about what they tell me I can't rightly Un&rehy;derstand.
I could convince you, that you are in the wrong, in being so Indifferent about Enquiring into the Cause, Nature, and Value of Things.
I am, in this point, a Quaker; and will not by Reason be Con&rehy;vinc'd. Pray, Sir, tell me, am I to buy a Shop-full of Empty Past&rehy;board-Boxes, or not?
Sir they are full.
Why then do you put over the Door, That the Goods
I had several Reasons that induc'd me to put this Title to my Book; and not to keep you longer upon the Fret, I will tell you some of them.
To what purpose did you spend your time in Writing on such Subjects? And why should I be at the labour of Printing, or charge of Paper?
Print it by all means; it may imploy some to add to it, the History of the Printer.
What, that my Pains was Labour in Vain, and Charge signify'd Little or Nothing? I am mightily oblig'd to you for the me&rehy;thod you have taken to Expose me to Laughter: But let it prove as it will, if I buy the Devil, I'll try to Sell him. But if your Whim don't take, I'll never buy Goods again before I've look'd over the whole parcel.
&Hic;OW Fruitless and Empty the Requests of the
I cannot forbear in this place putting the Epithet
By this true Relation is evident, the little success that is to be expected from the
In such a Case, a Prince is the easiest Man in the World to be Im&rehy;pos'd on, considering the vast multitude of Affairs that Center in His ordering and Manage, the particular Cognizance of all which, 'tis impossible for Him to take; for upon a kind of Necessity He is oblig'd to have His knowledg of several Affairs from the report that those about Him are pleas'd to make; and what Man will tell a Story to his own disadvantage? And who can tell it but the Favo&rehy;rite, whilst the
There was a Young hopeful Gentleman, his Nephew, who expe
He gratifi'd the Misers Appetite at his own Expence, his Pantrey and his Cellar were always ready to gratify his least motion of desire, his Coach and Horses attended his occasions; he baulk'd his own Humour, neglected his pleasant and facetious Companions, and con&rehy;fin'd himself to Oblige his Sordid Temper. Tho' it must be confess'd Self-interest mov'd him, yet it pleas'd the Wretch, when he advised him to secure his Treasure, that no
Afterwards this Obliging Gentleman fell by misfortune into Straits and Necessities, so that his Family wanted convenient Sub&rehy;sistance; yet the other pitiless, and unconcern'd, return'd no good Nature, no Charity, no grateful Act, for all his generous Obligations; not so much as even common Humanity would out of Mercy oblige a very
A Covetous Desire is properly applicable to self, for even when I seem to desire the Advantage of another, there is something of self in the matter; and it must be allow'd that he I wish well, is my Friend; tho' anothers being my Enemy, only makes him so; so by my desire, I gratifie my own Inclination in my Friends Advantage, or please my Anger, in my Enemies Disadvantage; a Covetous Mans Thoughts center in his own profit, and what good goes besides him, he counts by Providence wrong apply'd; then 'tis Idle to expect, that he that Covets all, should frustrate his vast design, by giving me a part; as Covetousness is a Selfish humour, 'tis impossible it should be diffusive.
&Tic;He mutual Disapointments that commonly thwart, and hinder the Happiness expected by the Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman, the following Story sets forth: An Anci&rehy;ent Gentleman, whose head Age had Powder'd like a Beau's, who in his Sprightly Youth could at Sight answer the Expectations of the most Lascivious Female, as Doctors Commons and Parish-Books could Witness, he had liv'd a Libertine Life, and had never thoughts of
The Answer I make, to those that will say, Every Body knew this Story before, is, That tho' I pretend to Write Novel's, I don't No&rehy;velties, but to dress up something that for one Meal may be Pleasing, and of grateful Gust; and perhaps some Observation may be made from this Story worthy Self-Application: But tho' the Reader do not, I will, to continue the Method I first Design'd.
To Attempt any thing, which nothing but (almost) a Miracle can make Successful, is Folly and Madness; and little less, can move a Man of Threescore Years and Ten to do &horfill; to any purpose. An Old Man Marrying a Young Woman, is like laying down a good Joynt of Meat, to an almost Consumed Fire, which will blaze a while, but by the sudden decay, for want of Fuel, will make it but luke Warm:
The Man being deceived, by Consequence the Woman must; and what sad Effects do such Disappointments cause, are Evident from the future carriage of both Man and Woman: He grows Jealous, un&rehy;willing another should Feed, tho' he himself can't make use of the Dainties; then the Poor abused Woman is watch'd, perhaps confin'd, and her whole Life made uneasie.
Like a poor Man (cajoll'd by mighty Promises) transported to the
The Reverse of this Story, which is an Old Woman Marrying to a Young Fellow, is to the full as ridiculous, and signifies as little to a mutual Content.
―&Tic;HE present Age is not so very Vertuous, but that we may meet with examples in almost every Company and Con&rehy;versation, that demonstrates the little Efficacy the well de&rehy;sign'd Writings and Publick Teaching of Good Men have had, to&rehy;wards Reformation of Manners, and the Practice of Vertue. But not being willing to expose particularly the Insensibility that appears either in my own Life, by not Amending, and Correcting my re&rehy;prov'd Actions, or in the general Practice of any Fellow-Country&rehy;men; I have pitch'd upon the History of
Tho Licentiousness is more agreeable, and facile to the deprav'd Nature of Mankind; yet almost every Age hath produc'd a Preach&rehy;ing Experienc'd
&Oic;NE, who out of Good Manners, I must stile a Gentleman, because he justly Claims that Title from his Ancestors; and it must be allow'd him now, even in his Adversity, since his Accounted Crimes of Omission, in not actually complying to the Laws in force, proceed from the Dictates of his Conscience, and not from an Obstinate Spirit of Contradiction; for tho' this Gentle&rehy;mans Opinion will not permit him to comply in the Active part, yet out of Submission to the Laws of his Countrey, without re&rehy;fractoriness, he's Obedient in the Passive. This Gentleman (as many others) is at this time term'd a
Upon the Revolution in the Year 1688, (which by Unfathom'd Providence was brought about, so contrary to Rational Appearance, that after Ages will hesitate at the Belief of the Heroick Attempts of the present King, and the Unaccountable Manage of the last) this Man was turn'd out of several Considerable Imploys, (or rather he turn'd himself out, for it cannot be expected, that any will be
&Tic;HIS Story is equally applicable to
Relating to a Man's Compliance, or Non-Compliance, ought to be considered; whether what required be consonant to Ju&rehy;ice, and Self-Preservation, argued Pro and Con, in refference to Spiritual, and Temporal Affairs, the last not contradicting the formers positive Commands. And sure I am, or must appear to be, by rational Men, much Wiser, or more Blockish, than the rest of the Nation, in a General Council consenting, if I oppose, or refuse Conformity to its Agreement. Parallel Examples ought to be search'd for, and the method of Proceedings, that have been commonly taken by others, approv'd by future Allowance to have been Just, and fitting to be done, ought to Guide, and mightily Sway me to concord to such approv'd Precedents; for if a Man disagrees out of a particular Opinion, or Interest, he, as far as in him lyes, calls the discretion of a great many in Question, and battles a number with his opiniated Reason, from such Proceeding, one can expect no Benefit, or Reputation. No Advantage, because none will trust another (in any thing of Weight) that is of a contrary Perswasion; because 'tis reaso
What is in Vogue carries a present Reputation, (than being a
&Aic; Grave Citizen, an Alderman's Fellow, by Losses and Cros&rehy;ses, and GOD knows what, was reduc'd to the necessity of leaving his House, and moving himself and Effects into the Sanctuary for Bankrupts,
&Sic;UCH have been the Fate of many Insolvent Debtors; and such have prov'd the Return to many uncharitable and cruel Creditors; and I believe all merciful Men will think the last deserv'd it: Expectation to recover Debts by confining an insolvent Man, whereby he is debar'd of opportunity to acquire wherewithal to pay his Debts, is an
'Tis a very good Law in the Signiory of
I have heard that in
&Tic;HO' I could produce variety of Instances out of Ancient History suitable to this Subject, yet I have chose one which has come to the knowledge, and is still fresh in the Memory of almost every
In the Year
There is no need of mentioning their Design at large, or the Progress they had made, every Man knowing the drift of their Conspiracy, and the Conspirators; so I'll only take No&rehy;tice, that after their Plot was laid, the Assassinators agreed on, and Secrecy sworn to, at the
&Sic;ELDOM any Resolution is so fix'd, but that apparent be&rehy;nefit, as Self-preservation, or Riches, will alter it, espe
&Tic;HOUGH Disappointments are in some Degree or other, most commonly the Companions that attend and thwart the Hopes and Expectations of all Mankind; yet have I not observ'd more Disappointments generally to accompany any At&rehy;tempt, than I have the Endeavours, and Designs, to get into Repu&rehy;table Places and Employments, as by the Sequel will appear.
An
Though his Sleep, or rather Slumbers, was unquiet and short, occasioned be the concern that hagg'd his Thoughts about his future earthly well Being, yet his lying Awake was more tor&rehy;menting to him, as much as Impending want had then a more lively Impression, than his drowsy Fancy could Represent; so trying, as if it were to avoid himself, he arose, slighting Beau&rehy;ish Formality, soon dress'd himself, and went to
His approaching Necessity having made him confident beyond his natural Temper, he presently enquired the Gentleman's Name and Lodging, and that Day waited upon him, and in short de&rehy;sired his Favour towards helping him to an Imploy fit for a Gen&rehy;tleman, and at the same time promised to be grateful; Mr.
'Twill also be requisite for you to learn Decimals and Gaug&rehy;ing, and make Application to the C--- of E--; Or to the L-- of the A--. Or to the C--- of the C--- But you must not neg&rehy;lect making Application to several particular Persons, who always seem in a hurry, as if they had the whole concerns of the Nation to manage: Amongst which, there is honest
His Principles may be guess'd by his Practice; and he has de&rehy;clared his Sentiments, how People that would thrive, should ma&rehy;nage themselves; and designs (if he may be believed) to instill the same Principles into his Children; for he told an honest Gentleman, that if he had a Son, he would advise him to flat&rehy;ter and dissemble with all Mankind; never to speak Truth but when it was for his Advantage: With this worthy Gent. 'twill be necessary to be acquainted, if you have Money to purchase an Imploy
If a Man knocks hard early in a Morning, with a Cane in his Hand, believe him a Creditor, and the first time answer him, that I am not well, and you dare not Disturb me; to Countenance which, besure two or three days in a Month, tye a Rag upon the Knocker of the Door. The Second time, I was sent for about earnest Business, to any busie Nobleman you first think of. Afterwards say for me, as you would have others say for you to
Some part of the Paper had been torn off, but one may be certain, he had learn'd the whole Lesson by the variety of Shams and Excu&rehy;ses he had constantly ready. Bless me, how was my Inquirer Sur&rehy;priz'd at the Reading it! and began to conceive that he was fallen into the Hands of a Tongue-Padding Cheating Courtier; but find&rehy;ing his Counsel in some measure ought to be followed, he was re&rehy;solved to make Applications as he was directed. In a short time by Friends or Money, he was little or much Recommended to almost all Fortune's Darlings, that had the Disposal of any Employs; one or other of them he was almost continually waiting on with the Re&rehy;commendation of my Lord such an one, Sir such an one; or honest Mr. such an one; and every one to whom he was Recommended, like true Courtiers, spoke him fair: One promised the next thing that fell; another promised to take Care of him; a Third, out of Kindness, would have him Qualify himself, that upon any Oppor&rehy;tunity he might jump in: A Fourth took Money in part; and a Fifth invited him to Dinner, which Gentleman it must be said of him, did him more Kindness than all the rest; for after he had wait&rehy;ed half a Year, he found their promises to be only Air; for when the first had power by a Vacancy, to besure he said, He was pre-in&rehy;gaged. The Second's care was to avoid him. The Third Gentle&rehy;man would not give him Opportunity to Jump, continually Selling Reversions. The Fourth did his Business but in part, for he could never get all his Money again. Thus Shuffled off from one to ano&rehy;ther, by fair Words and Promises, he spent a great deal of time, and all his Money to no purpose; meeting with so many Disappoint&rehy;ments, and really wanting Necessaries, and reflecting on the Usage he had met withal, and dreading the Poverty he saw approaching, he had fallen into Dispair, but that he had still the Happiness to carry in his Mind, the Thoughts of Futurity, from which he resolv'd as
Having long Rack'd his Brains, and Spent his Money and Time in Vain, his peery Landlord by a Writ, secur'd him a safe place in the