<&>Wellington Corpus of Spoken New Zealand English Version One <&>Copyright 1998 School of Linguistics & Applied Language Studies <&>Victoria University of Wellington <&>side one <&>4:35 good evening rob hi how are you rob you've had a bit of a er catastrophe today i er yeah just a <.>minor heck of a major one a major one what <.>te tell us what's happened rob oh well um my wife's and voc left today with three of my kiddies oh between yesterday and today had you seen the writing <.>on were you expecting this only for the last week mm <&>5:00 um <,> she er just decided i sent her away for a <.>holi oh sent her away voc oh gave her away sent her away for a holiday without the kids oh couple of weeks ago just to give her a break and er she came back and she was just wasn't herself from the time she got back and so how how does this leave you feeling tonight rob oh a little bit shattered mm <.>h how long have you been married twelve years twelve years oh yes eight months and six days mm <&>sighs that's a good part of your life er yeah a fair sized chunk of it mm <,,> and there was no there was no er you didn't have a sensing er er that that something was sort of that as we're saying the dream was dying you know sort of um exhales not no not in a sense um my wife <&>6:00 er <,> well she'd felt sort of over the last five years she's never loved me but er what what did you say when when she comes out with something like that that's a pretty heavy thing to say to you robert how did you respond to that er i just about fell over er well no i knew in a roundabout way i was more of a <,> father brother than a husband mm um did you ask her what she wanted from you inhales yeah er what she wanted was <,> like we've never been terribly rich but we own our own house and things like that and she wanted to be able to go out more um spend more time with other people and voc voc <.>tha you know going out was a bit of a problem yes um we had to to get a babysitter and then the <&>7:00 cost of a night out and i guess i'm sort of a dull sort of fellow <.>you you're a stay at home boy well no i like to go out too but i like to be able to afford to go out yes not worrying about how you're gonna pay for this dinner i'm well <{><[>taking money away from a bill <[>but it it it is it is is that what it takes to make a dream die no i don't think it was that i just think er inhales sadly i don't think anybody'll be able to satisfy the needs she's got i think <{><[>she needs to find where she's going and <[>mm yes er sadly a lot of people are getting hurt in the process yes it seems to me rob that sometimes we meet people who have a deep hole in their hearts and and they expect others to fill that hole well yeah um ever since she's what fourteen fifteen she's moved in with her older sister <&>8:00 then she moved in with her mother lived with her mother then she er met me <&>exhales and laughs mm where was her dad er she's lived with him up till she was fourteen mm so er she's always had somebody there rob do you have a sense of failure today that that somehow you've failed um <,,><&>3 voc <.>sometime yeah er it was sort of a what more could i do er <{><[>um <,> there's not nothing that she actually wanted for she didn't go without food or a car or <[>yes mm friends or er anything that she wanted to do that she <{1><[1>could do within <{2><[2>reason <[1>yeah <[2>okay that that's looking at at <.>nee at a person's needs on one level but but for a woman as you'll know i mean <.>at <.>at attending to her emotional needs is absolutely vital and crucial mind you also for a woman than a man <&>9:00 <,> yeah um her emotional needs she needed somebody there for support rather than to er be anything else yes um she just needed a best buddy inhales yes rob <{><[><.>wh <[>and i think i fell into that trap yep was it a trap was it well er it feels like a trap now mm but er i don't think either of us recognised that need early on mhm but er now it's become it's become more and more apparent it's clear that's a bit what janet was saying it's it you know oh the value of hindsight rob <,,> mm <&>sighs rob what are your plans what what is there for you now in in the immediate future well i've got one son to look after yes <&>10:00 um <,,><&>3 tut i don't know i was pretty angry um angry <{><[>hurt <[>of course yes er i still am um voc i mean <,> oh i don't know what my plans are at the present no that's understandable rob it it's almost like well you know twelve years <.>what <.>it's what you know where where what what what was it all for what was the point of it all is it a bit like that yeah really mm um starting again's going to be hard yes yes rob er i can understand that it is important for you to be angry and hurt because as soon as we lose something we we immediately go into a grief process tut i'd like to say something to you though rob and it is this that i don't think failure makes you unloveable <,> whatever your failures i think you always have a right to people's love you still deserve that <&>11:00 mm would you like to carry on this conversation with a counsellor rob er just reflect a little on your anger and what you're gonna do about it and so that you don't carry it around unnecessarily yeah it got a bit drastic i sort of er loaded up the rifle there today so <,> that's anger mm it might be a good idea for you to keep talking rob mm yeah will you do that yeah all right because it's er if if you want to clears throat not get stuck in this grief but move on then it'll be really important for you to face the feelings the anger particularly the anger and the hurt that you mention er and attend to those so that you can leave them behind and move on tut inhales okay rob i appreciate you calling in in such a tense day in such an unpleasant day would you hold hold your phone and we'll <{><[>transfer your call and thank you for being with us <&>12:00 <[>sure thank you okay it's er twenty nine minutes after nine oclock and if you'd like to phone us when the dream dies give us call auckland three oh seven one oh eight oh <&>12:11 <&>Advertisements and HC monologue not transcribed <&>16:28 good evening bill good evening clive you were married <{><[>one day <.>sh <.>short of <[>er one day short of twenty one years twenty one years <,> it all finished in june yes what went wrong bill um well basically most of the problems were my problems <,> um i can't go into the problems on air yes but er suffice to say that um from something <&>17:00 like about er er twelve months after we were married er i caused various problems and um these problems kept on cropping up at various stages in my life up till about ten years ago so for about twenty years bill you actually didn't try and resolve these problems that you're talking about oh yes i i tried in my own particular way to resolve these problems yes um but unfortunately i was <.>n <,> not er in a situation where i could place the necessary concentrations on what i was supposed to be doing to solve these problems because er i was er working very very hard and er trying to er earn money er i was travelling i was spending a lot of time away from home um i was trying to <&>18:00 er build a home life and er i was also er trying to um assist with bringing up er two boys and as a direct result er the problems that er i was causing most of which i was aware of but didn't realise that they were problems er primarily because my wife appeared at the time to be an equal part and an equal party to the problems and it wasn't really until about ten years ago that i realised that she wasn't um as er forthcoming towards the problems as what i had expected mm and i literally said to myself okay you've got to stop and i did <,> <{><[>er <[>stop stop what bill er well as i said i i can't go into the details but er the particular problems that we had um i <&>19:00 said to myself ten years ago this has got to stop because if it doesn't stop i'm going to lose my wife i'm going to lose everything i have it it seems to me bill it gets to the point where you really have to answer one specific question which is what am i prepared to do to keep my marriage alive and that's exactly what i did <,> er there there was there didn't appear to be any problems as far as the marriage was concerned at that particular stage but i decided that er the particular problems that i was causing had to stop and they did stop um unfortunately in december of last year something which had happened er some er twenty one and a half years earlier came to the fore and i chose the option i had two options i could have said nothing to my wife or the other option was i could have <&>20:00 made a statement to my wife about what had happened i chose the second option which in hindsight now proved to be the absolute wrong option mm because er by telling her what i had to tell her in december er she stewed and stewed and stewed and stewed on it er which finally culminated in er me being ordered out of the matrimonial house er in june of this year it scares me when someone tells me that their partner stewed because my interpretation of stewing is that you don't have a good working level of communication between the two of you well i always thought we've had yeah until this particular incident came along and er it wasn't until um early june um where our total relationship seemed to have been disappearing down the tube yeah we'd always had a very very good and i <&>21:00 thought close relationship in every respect including the sexual relationship and er unfortunately um our that side of things had er diminished very drastically <{><[>within the last month prior to er my being ordered out of the home <[>mm so there were certainly signs there bill that things were starting to fall apart yes <{1><[1>and i didn't know what the cause was <{2><[2>er <[1>er <[2>did you did you seek outside help because it's er i don't know if you remember the er saturday evening post many years ago that dates me doesn't it <{1><[1><.>in er in that <{2><[2>they had yeah they had a um er a little er er regular column called do you remember that <,> <{3><[3>at <[1>yes <[2>i remember it <[3>vaguely yeah it it would give er er a scenario of a of a marriage that was <.>re really struggling <&>pronounced strugging er struggling and then suggestions of what could be done in my experience over several decades now bill <.>it <&>22:00 most couples tend to leave it extremely late in the piece before they seek outside help yes i never sought outside help um because er it the whole thing er blew up one evening um i er voc bounced out of bed er made a er a an a very angry comment to my wife which it was totally misinterpreted in what i said yes and i left the house i came back about three quarters of an hour later er just to arrive in as the er local minister arrived um the three of us sat down at the dining table and discussed things for about three quarters of an hour and er all my wife could say in the early stages was that the marriage was over yes um we were together for about four more days <&>23:00 before then i came home from work one night um i thought at the time that something was a little funny because er she'd sort of rushed through tea rushed through getting the dishes done which was not normal and er i sat down to do some work at the computer for a customer and er next thing there was a knock at the door the minister arrived er my wife voc ushered the minister into the er er sitting room and er informed me that he was there as a witness er for me to leave the house before <{><[>bedtime that night <[>goodness so it was it'd been set up er bill would you like to carry on with this to er someone off air er well we are currently under under counselling oh good <{><[>okay <[>um i have been under counselling um the er what i would like to actually say on air er clive is that er i have since er since all this brewed up i've been to er a <&>24:00 hypnoregressive therapist who has er taken me right back to my childhood yes and er has found er two major incidences in my childhood that could have been direct triggers yes towards er half the problems that occurred one of those was a er my being er indecently assaulted in the toilet when i was around about eight mm which i had totally just pushed into the back of my mind and blocked out yes and another one was er me having been er interfered with by my sister and her husband um in conjunction with er their two daughters tut bill the effects of incidents like those are lifelong yes yes unfortunately my wife has not accepted that we went to joint counselling er four weeks ago i went there with extremely high hopes and that was absolutely shattered within <&>25:00 one minute of us sitting down my wife's immediate attitude was i don't want anything more to do with him i am not having anything to do with him whatsoever mm er that's a very frightened thing to say isn't it that's right um because basically as far as i'm concerned at the moment i have lost everything <{1><[1>i've lost my home i've lost two children that i love very very much i've lost a wife that i love very much and i've lost my selfrespect i've lost my selfesteem i've lost everything we go back <{2><[2>to joint <[1>yes <[2>bill bill you're not gonna cope with this alone you CANnot cope with this alone are you getting significant emotional and real <.>m management support from this counsellor that you're seeing are you getting what you need right now <.>y yes i've actually <{1><[1>spoken to this counsellor again last week as we go back for a second session <{2><[2>which may well be the last session on tuesday of this coming week <[1>yes you have <[2>okay right and er as a direct result um i am going into <&>26:00 this counselling session with absolute total negative i went in with <.>pos very positive hopes last time and er i don't see any reason now to go into this one with anything other than absolutely negative responses although the counsellor has suggested to me that er to wait and see what my wife's attitude is at this particular session but um part of the problems that i have caused are directly resulted in er me turning <.>down er or having handed in two years ago an excellent job with er salary with superannuation schemes company car and everything to go into business for myself and that's where part of our problems have started from because of a continual er declining income yes um the pressures associated with that and then <&>27:00 this er particular incident that i chose to tell my wife er back in december and er that has literally <{><[>destroyed the two of us <[>well yeah it really frightened her didn't it bill yes <{><[>um <[>yeah you must <.>re really regret saying that i do i i totally regret if i could turn the clock back and shut my mouth i would do so yes um <{><[>it <[>and and yet bill i absolutely believe in in the scriptural sentence the truth WILL set you free i absolutely believe in that i do too clive i've er i i'm er a christian person i pray every night i pray that my wife and i and my family can get back together again that i will be given the opportunity to er voc rectify some of the problems that i have caused with my wife and family and i ask god every night for that opportunity to do so er whether my wife will give me that opportunity <&>28:00 only time will tell she knows my feelings bill thank you thank you for having the courage to call please be assured of my prayer for you thank you clive <{><[>good night and god bless <[><.>g god bless you take care good night <&>28:13