K01   1 <#FLOB:K01\>Its owner had never looked so irresistible.<p/>
K01   2 <p_>The Charleston turned into <tf_>Dancing on the Ceiling<tf/>. 
K01   3 They flung themselves together like old friends hugging at a 
K01   4 station. Split-second of wild hair in Ralph's face, hay smell of 
K01   5 skin, echo of heart that beat as fast as his for different reasons 
K01   6 - then Ursula pulled cruelly back with some comment about the 
K01   7 party.<p/>
K01   8 <p_><quote_>"I'm famished,"<quote/> she said suddenly. 
K01   9 <quote_>"Let's join Martin for breakfast. He's at a table over 
K01  10 there."<quote/><p/>
K01  11 <p_><quote_>"Don't think I will for the moment. Not hungry, really. 
K01  12 Think I'll explore the garden."<quote/><p/>
K01  13 <p_><quote_>"We'll keep you a place. Come over later."<quote/><p/>
K01  14 <p_>All over so fast, the dance might never have been. She would be 
K01  15 with Martin for the rest of the evening, now. What was the point in 
K01  16 staying? Who else was there to dance with? Where was his mother?<p/>
K01  17 <p_>Ralph, longing to go home, made his way into the garden.<p/>
K01  18 <p_><*_>three-stars<*/><p/>
K01  19 <p_><quote_>"I'm in love with you, Rosie, that's the crux of the 
K01  20 matter,"<quote/> Thomas heard himself saying. She gave him a slight 
K01  21 tap on the nose with her fan.<p/>
K01  22 <p_><quote_>"Nonsense, my darling man. It's my painting you're in 
K01  23 love with. Admit it, now. I saw that the moment we met."<quote/><p/>
K01  24 <p_><quote_>"I admire your painting, it's you I'm in love with. 
K01  25 Hopelessly, helplessly, in love with - tortured for weeks, you 
K01  26 know, not seeing you, not knowing what to do."<quote/><p/>
K01  27 <p_><quote_>"Now, now. Calm down."<quote/> Rose spoke patiently as 
K01  28 a nurse to a child. <quote_>"It's the moon, you know. I do believe 
K01  29 that. People say mad things under a half moon."<quote/><p/>
K01  30 <p_><quote_>"It's not the moon, my love."<quote/><p/>
K01  31 <p_><quote_>"Very well, then, I'll believe you if you like. It may 
K01  32 be the truth in your heart, but there's not very much we can do 
K01  33 about it, is there?"<quote/><p/>
K01  34 <p_><quote_>"Not very much,"<quote/> said Thomas, <quote|>"no." He 
K01  35 looked straight ahead at the cabbages, silver globes of matched 
K01  36 size. There was another tap of the fan on his nose. <quote_>"We 
K01  37 could just..."<quote/><p/>
K01  38 <p_><quote|>"No," said Rosie. <quote_>"We could not act recklessly. 
K01  39 I'm over all that. That's all in the past."<quote/><p/>
K01  40 <p_><quote_>"You're right,"<quote/> said Thomas.<p/>
K01  41 <p_>They were silent for a while.<p/>
K01  42 <p_><quote_>"You can keep on visiting me, though,"<quote/> said 
K01  43 Rosie, at last. <quote_>"Of course you can."<quote/><p/>
K01  44 <p_><quote_>"Of course I can."<quote/><p/>
K01  45 <p_><quote_>"Buy more pictures."<quote/><p/>
K01  46 <p_><quote_>"Buy more pictures."<quote/><p/>
K01  47 <p_><quote_>"But I'd never change my life, now, Thomas. Not for 
K01  48 anyone. Besides, you've got a very good wife, I'm 
K01  49 thinking."<quote/><p/>
K01  50 <p_>Thomas stiffened. <quote_>"How do you know? But yes, you're 
K01  51 right. She's a good woman."<quote/><p/>
K01  52 <p_><quote_>"You'd be foolish to leave a good wife."<quote/><p/>
K01  53 <p_><quote_>"Oh, Rosie, you can't possibly know how much I love 
K01  54 you, how much I can't bear being away from you."<quote/><p/>
K01  55 <p_>He turned from the cabbages to look at her. She was regarding 
K01  56 him curiously, kindly. He felt a choking in his chest, tears 
K01  57 pouring from his eyes. Then a soft mouth was on his cheeks, curbing 
K01  58 their course: a gentle palm on his temples.<p/>
K01  59 <p_><quote_>"You're a good man, Thomas,"<quote/> Rosie observed in 
K01  60 a smudged whisper. <quote_>"You must never love a woman flighty as 
K01  61 a butterfly, now, who would never change .... Here, don't be 
K01  62 crying."<quote/><p/>
K01  63 <p_>There was a confusion of handkerchiefs, dabbing. Mouths met for 
K01  64 an infinitesimal kiss. Thomas feared a heart attack, death. 
K01  65 <tf_>Now more than ever ... time ripe to die, to cease upon the 
K01  66 midnight with no pain<tf/> and all that.<p/>
K01  67 <p_><quote_>"I don't believe you,"<quote/> he groaned. <quote_>"I 
K01  68 love you, Rosie, I love you, I love you, woman."<quote/><p/>
K01  69 <p_>Having kissed her, he would gladly die. He opened his eyes to 
K01  70 tell her this and saw, at the far end of the secret garden, a 
K01  71 spectre-like figure with long amber hair.<p/>
K01  72 <p_><quote_>"My daughter,"<quote/> cried Rosie, suddenly bright. 
K01  73 <quote_>"Serena! I've been looking for you everywhere."<quote/><p/>
K01  74 <p_>Mother and daughter waved. Thomas closed his eyes again, unable 
K01  75 to face such interruption. He heard the scrunch of Rosie standing 
K01  76 up, preparing to leave him. But she would not succeed, she would 
K01  77 not succeed. He would pursue her for ever, chase her to the ends of 
K01  78 ...<p/>
K01  79 <p_><quote_>"Come on, Mr Arkwright, my darling Thomas,"<quote_> she 
K01  80 was saying. <quote_>"I can't be waiting for you all night, now, can 
K01  81 I?"<quote/><p/>
K01  82 <p_><*_>three-stars<*/><p/>
K01  83 <p_>Soothed by her inspiration, Rachel lingered for a while longer 
K01  84 in her place on the terrace. She looked down on the dancers with a 
K01  85 mixture of sympathy, scorn, amusement. She found herself wondering, 
K01  86 as did Thomas the day the Farthingoes' invitation had arrived, why 
K01  87 the middle-aged go to all the bother and expense to give such 
K01  88 parties. What were they for? In Frances's case, perhaps, the months 
K01  89 of brilliant planning were rewarding occupation in an empty life. 
K01  90 But there was a certain pointlessness, was there not, in the end 
K01  91 result?<p/>
K01  92 <p_>In youth, Rachel reflected, the unspoken plan of every guest 
K01  93 was to search for - perhaps to find - a partner. Thus the meanest 
K01  94 gathering of party-goers was endowed with a certain excitement, 
K01  95 anticipation. In middle age, though cheap wine and scant food may 
K01  96 have given way to the sort of extravagance of tonight, the days of 
K01  97 the hunt were mostly over. Guests were now married, remarried, 
K01  98 divorced. The point of such gatherings was to be reunited with old 
K01  99 friends rather than to meet new ones: there is wistfulness in such 
K01 100 an occasion, rather than expectancy. As for the idea of signalling 
K01 101 availability at a party like this ... it was laughable. No-one to 
K01 102 notice, no-one Rachel would care to be noticed by.<p/>
K01 103 <p_>She smiled to herself, observing the dancers. They included a 
K01 104 scattering of people she had known vaguely for years, 
K01 105 contemporaries at Oxford, the odd school friend. Their various ways 
K01 106 had parted, their common interests divided, probably floundered. 
K01 107 Rachel had no desire to restrike up acquaintance with any of them: 
K01 108 bridging wide gaps is a tiring business - better just to wave in 
K01 109 friendly fashion from opposite banks, as she did to a few people 
K01 110 who passed her by. She was struck by their general metamorphosis. 
K01 111 The unkind truth is that, in middle age, if you don't see your 
K01 112 contemporaries with strict regularity, you are faced by the shock 
K01 113 of change after even a short space of time. These old acquaintances 
K01 114 were all balder, fatter, greyer, saggier and, judging by much 
K01 115 cupping of hands round ears, deafer. Their style of dancing, in the 
K01 116 intervening years, had changed too. No matter how wildly they had 
K01 117 rocked and rolled in their youth, now, with few exceptions, they 
K01 118 plumped for just two basic movements: the piston arms, and, just 
K01 119 off the beat, a kind of yanking up of one leg in the manner of an 
K01 120 undecided dog. Sometimes, to be fair, the men did provide a little 
K01 121 variation by arching their backs and twinkling down their double 
K01 122 chins at another man's wife. And the women sportingly jiggled about 
K01 123 like lampshades in a breeze, careless of their shape and size. A 
K01 124 love of puffy skirts was almost ubiquitous among them, while gold 
K01 125 edging ran amok round milkmaid bodices and sleeves. Rachel smiled 
K01 126 to herself again, enjoying the Englishwoman's complete indifference 
K01 127 to the superficialities of fashion: she was one of their band. She, 
K01 128 too, had different priorities: she understood the familiar comfort 
K01 129 of an old dress.<p/>
K01 130 <p_>After a while she gathered up the black skirt which had served 
K01 131 her for fifteen summers, and decided her moment had come. One final 
K01 132 look at the melancholy sight of the Farthingoes' friends bumbling 
K01 133 ungainly on the dance floor, and she turned into the house.<p/>
K01 134 <p_>Rachel know its geography well. Firm of purpose, she moved 
K01 135 swiftly up the stairs, across the landing past Frances's room - 
K01 136 glimpse of women with gold shoes thrown off, dabbing at their hair 
K01 137 - and on to the wing destined one day for Toby's aged mother. She 
K01 138 came to a door on which a <tf_>No Entry<tf/> notice had been 
K01 139 pinned: a command which had plainly taken Fiona many hours to 
K01 140 accomplish, decorated with a border of poppies and ice creams - the 
K01 141 pathos of unacknowledged effort, Rachel thought. She would remember 
K01 142 to congratulate Fiona if she saw her again.<p/>
K01 143 <p_>She pushed through the door into an unlit passage, turned into 
K01 144 the first door on the right. The room, Frances had once told her, 
K01 145 was sometimes used for an overspill of guests: its decoration 
K01 146 reflected its status. Rachel went straight to the window, opened it 
K01 147 in the hope that the night air, quite cool by now, would soon 
K01 148 dispel the stuffy smell of unaired cotton and lavender bags. She 
K01 149 looked at the bright half moon balanced on the crest of a giant 
K01 150 cedar, and listened to the faint soughing Cellar Music playing 
K01 151 <tf_>Lullaby of Broadway<tf/>. Excited by her distance from the 
K01 152 party, and her absolute privacy, she pulled back the 
K01 153 bramble-printed cover of one of the twin beds: it was made up with 
K01 154 clean pink sheets. She then unzipped her dress and let it fall to 
K01 155 the ground. By the dim light of the moon it looked like the soft 
K01 156 ashy mound of the remains of a bonfire. Shoes off, next: the relief 
K01 157 of stretching the toes - and into the strange bed.<p/>
K01 158 <p_>The pillows were of the prim kind that are often designated for 
K01 159 visitors. They did not cave protectively about her head, nor did 
K01 160 the sheets have the cool stroke of line. But it was escape, escape. 
K01 161 The mossiness that precedes oblivion lapped over her body. Within 
K01 162 moments she slept.<p/>
K01 163 <p_><*_>three-stars<*/><p/>
K01 164 <p_>Ant Cellar, bearing in mind his reputation of value for money, 
K01 165 did not leave the bandstand during the first short break: he 
K01 166 squatted on the floor drinking a can of beer, his pose out of 
K01 167 keeping with his white dinner jacket. But it was only fucking 
K01 168 human, as he said so often, to let the act slide for a moment or 
K01 169 two after hours of non-stop fantastic playing. The rest of the boys 
K01 170 had gone off for fifteen minutes - not a moment more, mind - rest 
K01 171 and refreshment. To fulfil Frances's wish for <quote_>"never a 
K01 172 moment without music"<quote/>, Ant had employed his old uncle (his 
K01 173 old mum's brother), once a cocktail-bar player who had made quite a 
K01 174 reputation at a pub in Marlow, to fill the gap. Uncle Bill couldn't 
K01 175 run to the white gear, but had turned up neat enough in a black 
K01 176 dinner jacket and red bow tie, and was plunking very nicely through 
K01 177 a lot of old tunes on the piano. So the lovely Frances ought to be 
K01 178 pleased. Where was she?<p/>
K01 179 <p_>Ant, looking about, saw her daughter - wretched-looking little 
K01 180 mite - offering him a piece of paper and a pencil. He 
K01 181 <}_><-|>kew<+|>knew<}/> what she wanted. With the weariness of one 
K01 182 who has suffered many years of autograph-fatigue - but with a 
K01 183 lovely smile to cheer her up - he wrote his signature with a 
K01 184 flourish, and added <quote_>"with love"<quote/>. The child seemed 
K01 185 pleased, thanked him.<p/>
K01 186 <p_><quote_>"Enjoying it?"<quote/> asked Ant.<p/>
K01 187 <p_>Fiona struggled between loyalty and honesty.<p/>
K01 188 <p_><quote|>"Quite."<p/>
K01 189 <p_><quote_>"Some spectacle. Terrific, I'd say. Where's your 
K01 190 mum?"<quote/><p/>
K01 191 <p_><quote_>"Don't know."<quote/><p/>
K01 192 <p_><quote_>"If you see her, tell her I'd like a word. Promise. 
K01 193 There's a darling."<quote/> Another friendly smile.<p/>
K01 194 <p_>Fiona backed away, unable to speak, clutching her precious 
K01 195 piece of paper. She began to run: over the empty dance floor, up 
K01 196 the steps of the terrace, into the heavy-lily air of the drawing 
K01 197 room, scurrying between guests, some of whom tried to clutch at her 
K01 198 dress and called her name. But she would not stop. She did not care 
K01 199 what happened to the rest of the party now, and she did not want to 
K01 200 be part of it. She had Ant Cellar's autograph, her most precious 
K01 201 possession in the world, and all she wanted to do was to lock her 
K01 202 bedroom door, and think about his kindness.<p/>
K01 203 <p_>It wasn't until she was in bed, autograph under the pillow, 
K01 204 that she remembered his request. Well, she had not seen her mother 
K01 205 or, for that matter, her father, for ages. She wondered whether to 
K01 206 get up again and keep her sort-of-promise, but she couldn't bear 
K01 207 the thought. Besides, Ant, if he ever found out, would be bound to 
K01 208 forgive her. He was a forgiving sort of man, she could tell.<p/>
K01 209 <p_><*_>three-stars<*/><p/>
K01 210 <p_>Thomas had always prided himself on his ability quickly to 
K01 211 resume dignity if, at some unfortunate moment, it eluded him.
K01 212 
K02   1 <#FLOB:K02\><p_>After putting the phone down, Christopher wept. 
K02   2 <quote_>"There must be something we can do. Something. Has to be. 
K02   3 He's <tf_>my son<tf/> ...I can't help feeling it's all our 
K02   4 fault."<quote/><p/>
K02   5 <p_><quote_>"Isaac would be delighted to hear you say so, but you 
K02   6 know it's nonsense. He was always gay. We were too thick to notice. 
K02   7 He didn't <tf|>turn gay because we left him. Let's go out and buy 
K02   8 him some wonderful presents and air-express them to the clinic. 
K02   9 Florence is so marvellous for shopping ..."<quote/> Things twisted 
K02  10 in my hands again. I meant to be kind, but something went wrong. 
K02  11 <quote_>"...And I need some new shoes. And a bag. And some novels. 
K02  12 And then let's go to a gallery. Let's not go all mopey. Let's get 
K02  13 going."<quote/><p/>
K02  14 <p_>Christopher never came to terms with Isaac's illness. I think 
K02  15 it always puzzled him, as if he could never quite believe that each 
K02  16 stage in the process was irrevocable, and this thinner, iller, 
K02  17 older person was actually his clumsy, chubby son. I think he 
K02  18 half-thought that one day the old Isaac would ring and say it was 
K02  19 all a mistake, he wasn't ill, he wasn't gay. I gave up trying to 
K02  20 educate him.<p/>
K02  21 <p_>It irritated me; alienated me. We were going through a bad 
K02  22 patch in any case. Not a patch, a tunnel, a long dark night, as 
K02  23 month after month proved he was a failure - <tf|>we were a failure; 
K02  24 we couldn't conceive.<p/>
K02  25 <p_>- <tf|>I was a failure, deep-down I knew it, but I never 
K02  26 admitted it to Christopher, it was too hideously dangerous to show 
K02  27 my weakness. Marriage is a battle for survival, always; be strong 
K02  28 and win, or go to the wall. In the end it was Christopher who went 
K02  29 to the wall. Since one of us had to, I'm glad it was him. He sat in 
K02  30 the dark watching endless movies, he sat and stared at ghosts on 
K02  31 the wall.<p/>
K02  32 <p_>But I didn't let Isaac go to the wall alone. It was an old 
K02  33 debt; I hadn't long to pay it. Now I became the one who suggested 
K02  34 meetings, who noticed the weeks were creeping by, while Chris was 
K02  35 absent and forgetful, and silent when I talked about Isaac. We 
K02  36 couldn't talk to each other about it; we talked to each other less 
K02  37 and less. I knew we were coming to the end of the road, we were 
K02  38 running out of life as the century did ...<p/>
K02  39 <p_>Yet Chris was my companion, my friend, my brother. If I lost 
K02  40 him, I had no one else. That was the awful truth, there was no one 
K02  41 else. We had left them all behind, you see. We had cast ourselves 
K02  42 off into emptiness. In the middle of the night we clung dumbly 
K02  43 together and fucked without passion, without hope; blind, wordless, 
K02  44 regular, like moles grinding in their dark bunker (but I love the 
K02  45 light; I'm a creature of day, and by day we couldn't meet each 
K02  46 other's eyes and ate in silence like embittered pensioners).<p/>
K02  47 <p_>We weren't talking about my pregnancy either, my absent 
K02  48 pregnancy, my vanishing babies. I dreamed about them night after 
K02  49 night. They vanished like dolls I had dropped in drawers, getting 
K02  50 smaller and smaller as I searched for them with growing guilt and 
K02  51 panic. I had one, cradled it, dropped it, picked it up and found it 
K02  52 was no longer alive, its face was hard plastic or it had no face, 
K02  53 as I stared it slipped yet again through my fingers, the carpet was 
K02  54 covered with broken dolls, babies I'd been given but failed to look 
K02  55 after, failed to love, failed, <tf|>failed. I started to dream 
K02  56 about Stuart again; he was ten years younger than Christopher; in 
K02  57 life we had never fucked unprotected, but in dreams we fucked 
K02  58 hungrily for a baby, in dream after dream Stuart made me pregnant 
K02  59 and I woke orgasmic, on a crest of happiness, only to feel it 
K02  60 trickle away, slipping away between my damp thighs ...<p/>
K02  61 <p_>But Christopher did make me pregnant. That's twice he did it, 
K02  62 twenty years apart, two pregnancies ending in nothing, nothing. But 
K02  63 no one can deny I got pregnant again; that at least they can't take 
K02  64 away ...<p/>
K02  65 <p_>Surely I can bear to think about it now, now I know I'm going 
K02  66 to have a daughter.<p/>
K02  67 <p_>- I did get pregnant. I'm not deluded. I was forty-nine; that's 
K02  68 quite an achievement. <tf_>So fuck that rat bitch 
K02  69 gynaecologist.<tf/> I tested my urine twenty times, it made me so 
K02  70 happy to be positive. I was positive! It was wonderful! No shadow 
K02  71 of doubt infected my joy. I was furious with Chris when his 
K02  72 response was muted.<p/>
K02  73 <p_><quote_>"What's the matter with you? It's such wonderful news! 
K02  74 It's a scientific test, we have to believe it. A little baby to 
K02  75 travel with us. A little baby for us to play with. Baby, baby, baby 
K02  76 ... Oh <tf|>fuck, I can't bear to look at your miserable 
K02  77 face."<quote/><p/>
K02  78 <p_><quote_>"Look for God's sake, Alex, of course I'm happy, but 
K02  79 you're forty-nine, and only five weeks' pregnant, I just hope 
K02  80 everything goes right. You haven't got there yet, I dread 
K02  81 disappointment ..."<quote/><p/>
K02  82 <p_>I admit I was unreasonable. <quote_>"Shut up! Shut up! You'll 
K02  83 bring bad luck! You don't want me to be pregnant, you're hateful, 
K02  84 hateful ... we should tell the family. I want them to 
K02  85 know."<quote/><p/>
K02  86 <p_>But the doubt had been sown, the little bad seed, and perhaps 
K02  87 where it enters, disaster grows. I think I blamed Chris for what 
K02  88 happened, though I'm wiser now, I am wiser now ...<p/>
K02  89 <p_>It got to ten and a half weeks. I said it was eleven, but it 
K02  90 wasn't. Nearly three months, I told myself, and anyone else who 
K02  91 would listen, strangers, waitresses, whoever I could find, the fact 
K02  92 of my pregnancy had to be shared, perhaps because I could hardly 
K02  93 believe it, perhaps because I feared it would end ...<p/>
K02  94 <p_>I had a deep need to tell 'the family' but alas, there was no 
K02  95 family to tell. Doubtless my family had families by now; I had 
K02  96 never been told; we had lost each other. My great mute solid pair 
K02  97 of sibs, left in the past, stranded in the past. Or perhaps I was 
K02  98 stranded, for they were still together, sharing their children, I 
K02  99 suppose, playing aunts and uncles and nephews and nieces. But not 
K02 100 with me. Never with me ...<p/>
K02 101 <p_> - I wished we had friends, I remember that. I wrote to Mary, 
K02 102 and trembled as I posted it. She was always so solid, so gloriously 
K02 103 maternal, one might have assumed she had six children. I think I 
K02 104 feared she would disbelieve it; I think I felt she would see 
K02 105 straight through me.<p/>
K02 106 <p_><tf_>Dear Mary,<p/>
K02 107 <p_>Surprise, surprise! Your old friend Alexandra is nearly three 
K02 108 months pregnant, and we are both so delighted about it ...<tf/><p/>
K02 109 <p_>Ten-and-a-half weeks isn't nearly three months. You grow less 
K02 110 honest when you're mad with desire, and I longed for that baby with 
K02 111 a monomanic love I have never felt before or since. Oh I wish the 
K02 112 pregnancy had lasted longer, though everyone says late miscarriage 
K02 113 is worse ... if it had lasted longer it would have been more real. 
K02 114 I would have <tf|>had something, even if I lost it.<p/>
K02 115 <p_>Ten-and-a-half weeks is nothing to the medics. <quote_>"It's a 
K02 116 good job it didn't go any further,"<quote/> said the doctor. 
K02 117 <quote_>"It's nature's way, you know."<quote/><p/>
K02 118 <p_>- The profession is full of idiots, who should be muzzled, or 
K02 119 preferably shot. But my anger was partly in abeyance, then. Most of 
K02 120 what they said seemed to be beamed towards me from the other side 
K02 121 of a huge sheet of glass; I was recording it all instead of talking 
K02 122 back, only the very worst outrages made me talk back. Most of the 
K02 123 time I just stared at them, numb, which is not like me, not like me 
K02 124 at all. I was not like me. Part of me was dead.<p/>
K02 125 <p_>I began to bleed one day in a car which was rattling through 
K02 126 the hot Turkish hills. We'd had sex the night before; at first I 
K02 127 just thought it was a leak of sperm, Christopher always had a lot 
K02 128 of sperm even if it couldn't make live babies ... Christopher felt 
K02 129 too depressed to drive, since the latest reports from Isaac were 
K02 130 bad, and I didn't want to bother, so we sat in the back of an old 
K02 131 hire-car, suffering the driving of a crazy local. The roof of the 
K02 132 car had been rolled back; the heat was intense, even through my 
K02 133 straw hat, the road ahead shimmered and slurred in the heat; we 
K02 134 threw up a cloud of dust and small stones; every now and then a fly 
K02 135 whined by and was sucked into the past with dizzy speed; there was 
K02 136 dust and resin in my mouth and lungs and ever since then I have 
K02 137 never smelled pines without a cramping sense of dread.<p/>
K02 138 <p_>All of a sudden I was afraid. <quote_>"Ask him to pull in to 
K02 139 the side of the road,"<quote/> I told Christopher. We screeched to 
K02 140 a halt and I got out alone. In the trees it was stunningly dark and 
K02 141 quiet after the rattling blaze of the open road. Once my eyes 
K02 142 adjusted, it was beautiful; a few narrow sunbeams pierced the 
K02 143 gloom; perfect yellow flowers underfoot, like buttercups but the 
K02 144 leaves were wrong, the gold heads sang in a small pool of sunlight, 
K02 145 telling me everything was still all right, but I looked all the 
K02 146 same and there was blood, <tf_>at least it's dark, that can't be so 
K02 147 dangerous,<tf/> but as I crouched there a bright splash fell.<p/>
K02 148 <p_>- I remember I thought <tf_>funeral wreath.<tf/> They were 
K02 149 mourning flowers, I knew they were. I walked back to the car like 
K02 150 an old woman, trying to walk without moving too much, trying to 
K02 151 protect the thing I carried. All at once it seemed infinitely 
K02 152 fragile, infinitely open to our hurts. I asked the driver to go 
K02 153 back to the hotel and screamed at him when he drove too fast; at 
K02 154 every bump I winced and clutched Christopher, suffering the baby's 
K02 155 imagined pain.<p/>
K02 156 <p_>The doctor who examined me was reassuring. His English was 
K02 157 good; he flattered me, unable to believe I was forty-nine; he said 
K02 158 there was often a small amount of bleeding; I could rest if I chose 
K02 159 to, but it wasn't essential. There was no point in tests. We had to 
K02 160 wait and see.<p/>
K02 161 <p_>I lay in bed for five whole days, I who could never bear to be 
K02 162 still. Not far from my window a mournful bell rang out the hours; I 
K02 163 lay and counted, lay very still in bed and prayed. When I lay still 
K02 164 the bleeding stopped. My spirits rose; I hoped again. For 
K02 165 twenty-four hours my towels were clean. Whiteness, cleanness was 
K02 166 wonderful. I didn't read, didn't want to read, I became a still 
K02 167 deep well of longing, a bowl of hope, perfectly blank. I talked to 
K02 168 the baby, stroked my belly. <quote_>"I want you. I love you. Hang 
K02 169 on, please. I'll do anything to keep you safe."<quote/> I couldn't 
K02 170 talk to Chris; he was blank and closed; he dumbly brought me 
K02 171 whatever I asked for, then went away and drank; I talked to the 
K02 172 baby, talked to myself.<p/>
K02 173 <p_>After five days I got up again and the sad, slow bleeding 
K02 174 started at once, stopping and starting, brown not fresh. I lay down 
K02 175 again; it was driving me mad.<p/>
K02 176 <p_><quote_>"Let's fly back to London,"<quote/> I said. 
K02 177 <quote_>"The best gynaecologist. Stay at the Savoy. That's quite 
K02 178 convenient for Harley Street."<quote/><p/>
K02 179 <p_>But things had ceased to follow my plan. I was destined to stay 
K02 180 in hospital, flat on my back in the single bed, weeping into the 
K02 181 stiff linen pillow, in a room full of florist's funeral flowers.<p/>
K02 182 <p_>Christopher came with me for the ultrasound scan. First of all 
K02 183 they listened for the heartbeat; there was a loud, long crackle 
K02 184 like snow falling on all the telephone wires in the world, all of 
K02 185 them listening for sounds of life; to me it sounded intensely 
K02 186 alive, and hope surged hotly through me again.
K02 187 
K03   1 <#FLOB:K03\>So my phone call to the Parsons' household the next 
K03   2 day was in the best traditions of the society in which I found 
K03   3 myself living. Indeed without any wish to evade my responsibility 
K03   4 for subsequent events, I think I may fairly claim that in 
K03   5 everything I did <foreign_>in re<foreign/> Karen and her husband I 
K03   6 was market-led. There was a hole waiting to be plugged. I had 
K03   7 identified a need and was aiming to satisfy it.<p/>
K03   8 <p_>Dennis answered the phone. I thanked him for dinner and said 
K03   9 how much I'd enjoyed myself.<p/>
K03  10 <p_><quote_>"The reason I'm calling, actually, is that my wallet 
K03  11 seems to have disappeared and I wondered whether I could possibly 
K03  12 have left it there."<quote/><p/>
K03  13 <p_><quote_>"Hang on, I'll ask Kay."<quote/><p/>
K03  14 <p_>I stood looking down at the pavement below the payphone while 
K03  15 Dennis padded across the wall-to-wall carpeting and called 
K03  16 distantly to his wife. Half-eaten turds of Spud U Like nestled on a 
K03  17 bed of throw-up curry. I looked up at the concrete-grey sky, still 
K03  18 surprisingly free of graffiti. I tried not to look at anything in 
K03  19 between.<p/>
K03  20 <p_><quote_>"It's OK, we've got it,"<quote/> Dennis said in my 
K03  21 ear.<p/>
K03  22 <p_><quote|>"Sorry?"<p/>
K03  23 <p_><quote_>"When do you want to come and pick it up?"<quote/><p/>
K03  24 <p_>I got my wallet out of my pocket and held it up in front of my 
K03  25 eyes.<p/>
K03  26 <p_><quote_>"You've got it?"<quote/><p/>
K03  27 <p_><quote_>"Kay found it when she was clearing up. She was going 
K03  28 to ring you but we don't have your number. Look, we're going 
K03  29 shopping this morning, we could drop it off if you like. Where do 
K03  30 you live?"<quote/><p/>
K03  31 <p_>This brought me to my senses. I would rather have died than let 
K03  32 the Parsons see where I lived.<p/>
K03  33 <p_><quote_>"No, I don't want to put you to any bother."<quote/><p/>
K03  34 <p_><quote_>"It's no bother."<quote/><p/>
K03  35 <p_><quote_>"Well actually I'm going out this morning 
K03  36 too."<quote/><p/>
K03  37 <p_>But I was talking to myself. There was another muffled exchange 
K03  38 at the other end.<p/>
K03  39 <p_><quote_>"Why don't you pop in this afternoon and get it? I'll 
K03  40 be going out briefly at some stage, but Kay'll be here."<quote/><p/>
K03  41 <p_>Fair enough, I thought as I walked home. I was beginning to 
K03  42 appreciate Karen Parsons. I've always been good at thinking on my 
K03  43 feet. It's the other kind of thinking I've never been able to 
K03  44 muster, the long-term stuff. <quote_>"Never confuse strategy with 
K03  45 tactics,"<quote/> one of my tutors advised me, but I can't even 
K03  46 remember what the words mean. Over the short distance, though, I'm 
K03  47 pretty impressive, and I admire the same quality in others. I liked 
K03  48 the way Karen had picked up that my story about the wallet was in 
K03  49 fact a message, and I liked the message she was sending back even 
K03  50 more. It was risky. If I marched round there and demanded my wallet 
K03  51 in front of Dennis, she would be in deep doo-doo. She was trusting 
K03  52 me not to do that, putting that power in my hands. I liked that, 
K03  53 too. It's good to go dutch on power. I've always made a point of 
K03  54 borrowing money from women early in the relationship so as to give 
K03  55 them a hold over me. It also helps when the time comes to break off 
K03  56 the affair, because you can talk about the money instead of 
K03  57 feelings and love and messy, painful stuff like that.<p/>
K03  58 <p_>At a quarter to three I was in position behind the 
K03  59 grime-sprayed glass of a bus shelter on the Banbury Road. The 
K03  60 entrance to Ramillies Drive was about thirty yards away on the 
K03  61 other side of the road. There I stood, waiting for Dennis's car to 
K03  62 emerge. It was mizzling steadily, so I had lashed out on a minibus 
K03  63 ticket, which cost more than a taxi would here. The afternoon was 
K03  64 cold and raw, and I soon regretted my choice of clothing, a light 
K03  65 linen suit dating from my time in this country. But I wanted to 
K03  66 present an exotic image, a man of the world blown in from foreign 
K03  67 parts to bring some much-needed glamour to Karen's drab suburban 
K03  68 existence.<p/>
K03  69 <p_>I had hoped she would be able to get rid of Dennis quickly, but 
K03  70 it was almost 4 o'clock before the red BMW finally appeared and 
K03  71 roared away in the direction of the ring road. By that time I was 
K03  72 chilled to the bone, exhausted from the relentless battering of the 
K03  73 traffic, sullen and depressed. This had better be good, I thought 
K03  74 grimly as I crossed the road and walked up the cul-de-sac to the 
K03  75 Parsonage. This had better be <tf|>bloody good.<p/>
K03  76 <p_>I had to ring the bell several times before Karen finally 
K03  77 appeared. I knew at once that something was wrong.<p/>
K03  78 <p_><quote_>"Oh, it's you."<quote/> She sounded surprised and 
K03  79 displeased. <quote_>"Dennis isn't here."<quote/><p/>
K03  80 <p_>She was wearing clingy jeans and a ribbed woollen sweater which 
K03  81 emphasized the lines of her body. It still wasn't my kind of body, 
K03  82 but dressed like that it looked quite different, a gym teacher's 
K03  83 body, supple, firm and fit.<p/>
K03  84 <p_><quote_>"I know that,"<quote/> I said. <quote_>"I've just spent 
K03  85 an hour and a quarter waiting for him not to be here."<quote/><p/>
K03  86 <p_><quote_>"Why did you do that?"<quote/><p/>
K03  87 <p_>Ah, I thought. Right. Fine, if that's the way you want to play 
K03  88 it.<p/>
K03  89 <p_><quote_>"Sorry if I misunderstood. Just give me my wallet and 
K03  90 I'll be off."<quote/><p/>
K03  91 <p_><quote_>"I haven't got your wallet."<quote/><p/>
K03  92 <p_><quote_>"I know you haven't."<quote/><p/>
K03  93 <p_>We measured each other with our eyes.<p/>
K03  94 <p_><quote_>"Then what are you doing here?"<quote/> she asked.<p/>
K03  95 <p_>This was not the first time I had dabbled in adultery. I've 
K03  96 always had a yen for married women - it's something to do with 
K03  97 being an only son, I suspect, some sort of Oedipal urge to play 
K03  98 Daddy's part with Mummy - and I knew by experience how much care 
K03  99 and tact is needed. However tenuous it may have become, once a 
K03 100 marriage is under threat it can suddenly turn into a territory 
K03 101 which has to be defended at all costs, like the Falklands. Neither 
K03 102 partner has given it a thought for years, but let some outsider 
K03 103 come barging in as though he owned the place and it's war. Perhaps 
K03 104 I had been too forward, I thought, taken too much for granted. 
K03 105 After what had happened the previous evening exquisite delicacy had 
K03 106 seemed uncalled for.<p/>
K03 107 <p_><quote_>"I assumed you wanted me to come. Why did you say you 
K03 108 had my wallet otherwise?"<quote/><p/>
K03 109 <p_>She shrugged pettishly.<p/>
K03 110 <p_><quote_>"You're late. I thought Dennis would still be 
K03 111 here."<quote/><p/>
K03 112 <p_>I tried this on from various directions, but it still didn't 
K03 113 make sense.<p/>
K03 114 <p_><quote_>"Speak of the devil,"<quote/> said Karen.<p/>
K03 115 <p_>There was a swish of gravel as the BMW drew in. Dennis 
K03 116 clambered out looking disgruntled.<p/>
K03 117 <p_><quote_>"Bloody thing's on the blink. There's another up your 
K03 118 end of town somewhere, but I can't be bothered."<quote/><p/>
K03 119 <p_>Registering my look of bewilderment, but mistaking the cause, 
K03 120 he added, <quote_>"Car wash. I go every Saturday. Prevents grime 
K03 121 build-up."<quote/><p/>
K03 122 <p_>He grasped my elbow and led me through the hallway and into a 
K03 123 long room knocked through the whole length of the house. A 
K03 124 three-piece suite and coffee table occupied the front half, a 
K03 125 fitted kitchen and dinette the rear. These were the real living 
K03 126 quarters, as opposed to the receiving rooms in the other side of 
K03 127 the house, where guests were entertained. Dennis apparently saw me 
K03 128 as 'family', or at any rate as someone he didn't have to impress. 
K03 129 What I still couldn't understand was why he wanted to see me at 
K03 130 all.<p/>
K03 131 <p_>Almost the biggest shock of the many I had sustained on my 
K03 132 return home was the loss of the social cachet I had enjoyed for so 
K03 133 many years. In Spain, in Italy, in Saudi - well, no, forget Saudi - 
K03 134 and above all here, among your warm-hearted and hospitable people, 
K03 135 I had been sought-after, even lionized. As a foreigner and a 
K03 136 teacher, I was the object of general interest and respect. At the 
K03 137 end of the EFL training course I did in London, a British Council 
K03 138 type gave us all a pep talk before we were packed off to Ankara or 
K03 139 Kuala Lumpur. <quote_>"Never forget, you're not just 
K03 140 teachers,"<quote/> he told us, <quote_>"you're cultural 
K03 141 ambassadors."<quote/><p/>
K03 142 <p_>The funny thing was that in a way the old fart was right. 
K03 143 Socially, we benefited from a sort of diplomatic immunity. We were 
K03 144 extraterritorial. The rules of the local game didn't apply to us. I 
K03 145 didn't appreciate this freedom until I lost it. I took it for 
K03 146 granted that I could associate with people from all walks of life, 
K03 147 from every background. It seemed perfectly natural that I should 
K03 148 spend one evening being waited on by uniformed retainers at the 
K03 149 home of an important industrialist whose son I taught, and the next 
K03 150 in a seedy bar drinking beer with a group of workers from the 
K03 151 factory where I gave private courses in technical English. Someone 
K03 152 rightly said that language exists to prevent us communicating, and 
K03 153 of no country is that more true than my own. I never made more 
K03 154 friends as easily as when I was among people whose language I spoke 
K03 155 badly and who barely spoke mine at all. In a land where trendy 
K03 156 caf<*_>e-acute<*/>s display neon signs reading <tf_>smack bar<tf/> 
K03 157 and <tf_>snatch bar<tf/>, no one's going to pick up the linguistic 
K03 158 and social markers that pin the native Brit down like so many 
K03 159 Lilliputian bonds. Subtle but damning variations of idiolect are 
K03 160 unlikely to count for much in a country where people go around 
K03 161 wearing tee-shirts inscribed with things like <quote_>"The essence 
K03 162 of brave's aerial adventure: the flight's academy of the American 
K03 163 east club with the traditional gallery of Great Britain 
K03 164 diesel"<quote/>. Do you know what that means? I don't. But it must 
K03 165 have meant something to someone. You couldn't just <tf|>invent 
K03 166 something like that.<p/>
K03 167 <p_>But things were different back in the land of dinge and drab, 
K03 168 of sleaze and drear and grot. Teachers are not figures of respect 
K03 169 in my country. They're the bottom of the professional heap, 
K03 170 somewhere between nurses and prison warders. And I wasn't even a 
K03 171 real teacher. The only remarkable thing about me was the fact that 
K03 172 I was still doing a holiday job at the age of forty. I was just 
K03 173 damaged goods, another misfit, another over-educated, 
K03 174 under-motivated loser who had missed his chance and drifted into 
K03 175 the Sargasso Sea of EFL work.<p/>
K03 176 <p_>Yet here I was, in sedate and semi-exclusive Ramillies Drive, 
K03 177 being urged to spend the rest of the afternoon with a successful 
K03 178 chartered accountant and his wife, being plied with expensive wine 
K03 179 and prawn-flavoured corn snacks, being <tf|>courted. What was going 
K03 180 on? Were the Parsons into troilism? <quote_>"Suburban couple seek 
K03 181 uninhibited partner, m or f, for three-way sex fun."<quote/> That 
K03 182 was the sort of thing I could imagine Denny and Kay going in for, 
K03 183 at least in theory. It would go with the decor. But in practice 
K03 184 Dennis was too repressed to actually go through with it. Even his 
K03 185 drinking had to be packaged as an aesthetic experience.<p/>
K03 186 <p_><quote_>"Good green fruit on the nose. Young and vibrant. Soft 
K03 187 round buttery fruit in the mouth, trailing off a little on the 
K03 188 finish. <tf|>Very chardonnay. Lovely concentrated body. 
K03 189 Surprisingly firm grip."<quote/><p/>
K03 190 <p_>He bought his wine from a mail-order firm, I later discovered. 
K03 191 Each case came with tasting notes, from which Dennis was given to 
K03 192 quoting extensively. The point of the whole performance was only 
K03 193 partly the usual snobbery and one-upmanship. The essential purpose 
K03 194 was to disguise the fact that Dennis was an alcoholic. He wasn't 
K03 195 out to get drunk - perish the thought! - but to savour the unique 
K03 196 individuality of each wine to the full. Dennis didn't drink, he 
K03 197 degusted. Well fair enough, whatever it takes. But if he couldn't 
K03 198 even get pissed in his own living room without all this blather it 
K03 199 was hard to imagine him asking casually if I'd care to step 
K03 200 upstairs for some kinky sex.<p/>
K03 201 <p_>Still, I wasn't complaining. I didn't know what was going on, 
K03 202 but I was happy to be there, sipping Dennis's eight-quid-a-bottle 
K03 203 plonk, trading glances with his vibrant young - well, youngish - 
K03 204 wife and openly admiring the charms of her lovely concentrated 
K03 205 body. Since I wasn't in a position to return the Parsons' 
K03 206 hospitality, I felt an obligation to provide conversational value 
K03 207 for money, so I embarked on a series of anecdotes about my time 
K03 208 abroad, some true, all exaggerated, a few plain invention.
K03 209 
K04   1 <#FLOB:K04\>Rivers hesitated. <quote_>"Taking <tf|>unnecessary 
K04   2 risks is one of the first signs of a war neurosis."<quote/><p/>
K04   3 <p_><quote_>"Is it?"<quote/> Sassoon looked down at his hands. 
K04   4 <quote_>"I didn't know that."<quote/><p/>
K04   5 <p_><quote_>"Nightmares and hallucinations come later."<quote/><p/>
K04   6 <p_><quote_>"What's an 'unnecessary risk' anyway? The maddest thing 
K04   7 <tf|>I ever did was done under orders."<quote/> He looked up, to 
K04   8 see if he should continue. <quote_>"We were told to go and get the 
K04   9 regimental badges off a German corpse. They reckoned he'd been dead 
K04  10 two days, so obviously if we got the badges they'd know which 
K04  11 battalion was opposite. Full moon, not a cloud in sight, 
K04  12 <tf_>absolutely mad<tf/>, but off we went. Well, we got there - 
K04  13 eventually - and what do we find? He's been dead a helluva lot 
K04  14 longer than two days, and he's French anyway."<quote/><p/>
K04  15 <p_><quote_>"So what did you do?"<quote/><p/>
K04  16 <p_><quote_>"Pulled one of his boots off and sent it back to 
K04  17 battalion HQ. With quite a bit of his leg left inside."<quote/><p/>
K04  18 <p_>Rivers allowed another silence to open up. <quote_>"I gather 
K04  19 we're not going to talk about nightmares?"<quote/><p/>
K04  20 <p_><quote_>"You're in charge."<quote/><p/>
K04  21 <p_><quote_>"Ye-es. But then one of the paradoxes of being an army 
K04  22 psychiatrist is that you don't actually get very far by 
K04  23 <tf|>ordering your patients to be frank."<quote/><p/>
K04  24 <p_><quote_>"I'll be as frank as you like. I did have nightmares 
K04  25 when I first got back from France. I don't have them 
K04  26 now."<quote/><p/>
K04  27 <p_><quote_>"And the hallucinations?"<quote/><p/>
K04  28 <p_>He found this more difficult. <quote_>"It was just that when I 
K04  29 woke up, the nightmares didn't always stop. So I used to see 
K04  30 ..."<quote/> A deep breath. <quote_>"Corpses. Men with half their 
K04  31 faces shot off, crawling across the floor."<quote/><p/>
K04  32 <p_><quote_>"And you were awake when this happened?"<quote/><p/>
K04  33 <p_><quote_>"I don't know. I must've been, because I could see the 
K04  34 sister."<quote/><p/>
K04  35 <p_><quote_>"And was this always at night?"<quote/><p/>
K04  36 <p_><quote_>"No. It happened once during the day. I'd been to my 
K04  37 club for lunch, and when I came out I sat on a bench, and ... I 
K04  38 suppose I must've nodded off."<quote/> He was forcing himself to go 
K04  39 on. <quote_>"When I woke up, the pavement was covered in corpses. 
K04  40 Old ones, new ones, black, green."<quote/> His mouth twisted. 
K04  41 <quote_>"People were treading on their faces."<quote/><p/>
K04  42 <p_><quote_>"Yes. I used to sleep quite a bit during the day, 
K04  43 because I was afraid to go to sleep at night."<quote/><p/>
K04  44 <p_><quote_>"When did all this stop?"<quote/><p/>
K04  45 <p_><quote_>"As soon as I left the hospital. The atmosphere in that 
K04  46 place was really terrible. There was one man who used to boast 
K04  47 about killing German prisoners. You can imagine what living with 
K04  48 <tf|>him was like."<quote/><p/>
K04  49 <p_><quote_>"And the nightmares haven't recurred?"<quote/><p/>
K04  50 <p_><quote_>"No. I do dream, of course, but not about the war. 
K04  51 Sometimes a dream seems to go on after I've woken up, so there's a 
K04  52 kind of in-between stage."<quote/> He hesitated. <quote_>"I don't 
K04  53 know whether that's abnormal."<quote/><p/>
K04  54 <p_><quote_>"I hope not. It happens to me all the time."<quote/> 
K04  55 Rivers sat back in his chair. <quote_>"When you look back now on 
K04  56 your time in the hospital, do <tf|>you think you were 
K04  57 'shell-shocked'?"<quote/><p/>
K04  58 <p_><quote_>"I don't know. Somebody who came to see me told my 
K04  59 uncle he thought I was. As against that, I wrote one or two good 
K04  60 poems while I was in there. We-ell ..."<quote/> He smiled. 
K04  61 <quote_>"<tf|>I was pleased with them."<quote/><p/>
K04  62 <p_><quote_>"You don't think it's possible to write a good poem in 
K04  63 a state of shock?"<quote/><p/>
K04  64 <p_><quote_>"No, I don't."<quote/><p/>
K04  65 <p_>Rivers nodded. <quote_>"You may be right. Would it be possible 
K04  66 for me to see them?"<quote/><p/>
K04  67 <p_><quote_>"Yes, of course. I'll copy them out."<quote/><p/>
K04  68 <p_>Rivers said, <quote_>"I'd like to move on now to the ... 
K04  69 thinking behind the Declaration. You say your motives aren't 
K04  70 religious?"<quote/><p/>
K04  71 <p_><quote_>"No, not at all."<quote/><p/>
K04  72 <p_><quote_>"Would you describe yourself as a pacifist?"<quote/><p/>
K04  73 <p_><quote_>"I don't think so. I can't possibly say '<tf|>No war is 
K04  74 ever justified', because I haven't thought about it enough. Perhaps 
K04  75 some wars are. Perhaps this one was when it started. I just don't 
K04  76 think our war aims - <tf_>whatever they may be<tf/> - and we don't 
K04  77 know - justify this level of slaughter."<quote/><p/>
K04  78 <p_><quote_>"And you say you <tf|>have thought about your 
K04  79 qualifications for saying that?"<quote/><p/>
K04  80 <p_><quote_>"<tf|>Yes. I'm only too well aware of how it sounds. A 
K04  81 <tf|>second-lieutenant, no less, saying 'The war must stop'. On the 
K04  82 other hand, I have <tf|>been there. I'm at least as well qualified 
K04  83 as some of the old men you see sitting around in clubs, cackling on 
K04  84 about 'attrition' and 'wastage of manpower' and ... "<quote/> His 
K04  85 voice became a vicious parody of an old man's voice. 
K04  86 <quote_>"'<tf_>Lost heavily in that last scrap.<tf/>' You don't 
K04  87 talk like that if you've watched them die."<quote/><p/>
K04  88 <p_><quote_>"No intelligent or sensitive person would talk like 
K04  89 that anyway."<quote/><p/>
K04  90 <p_>A slightly awkward pause. <quote_>"I'm not saying there are no 
K04  91 exceptions."<quote/><p/>
K04  92 <p_>Rivers laughed. <quote_>"The point is you hate civilians, don't 
K04  93 you? The 'callous', the 'complacent', the 'unimaginative'. Or is 
K04  94 'hate' too strong a word?"<quote/><p/>
K04  95 <p_><quote|>"No."<p/>
K04  96 <p_><quote_>"So. What you felt for the Germans, rather briefly, in 
K04  97 the spring of last year, you now feel for the overwhelming majority 
K04  98 of your fellow-countrymen?"<quote/><p/>
K04  99 <p_><quote|>"Yes."<p/>
K04 100 <p_><quote_>"You know, I think you were quite right not to say too 
K04 101 much to the Board."<quote/><p/>
K04 102 <p_><quote_>"That wasn't my idea, it was Graves's. He was afraid 
K04 103 I'd sound too sane."<quote/><p/>
K04 104 <p_><quote_>"When you said the Board was 'rigged', what did you 
K04 105 mean?"<quote/><p/>
K04 106 <p_><quote_>"I meant the decision to send me here, or or<&|>sic! 
K04 107 somewhere similar, had been taken before I went in."<quote/><p/>
K04 108 <p_><quote_>"And this had all been fixed by Captain 
K04 109 Graves?"<quote/><p/>
K04 110 <p_><quote|>"Yes." Sassoon leant forward. <quote_>"The point is 
K04 111 they weren't going to court-martial me. They were just going to 
K04 112 lock me up somewhere ..."<quote/> He looked round the room. 
K04 113 <quote_>"<tf|>Worse than this."<quote/><p/>
K04 114 <p_>Rivers smiled. <quote_>"There <tf|>are worse places, believe 
K04 115 me."<quote/><p/>
K04 116 <p_><quote_>"I'm sure there are,"<quote/> Sassoon said politely.<p/>
K04 117 <p_><quote_>"They were going to certify you, in fact?"<quote/><p/>
K04 118 <p_><quote_>"I suppose so."<quote/><p/>
K04 119 <p_><quote_>"Did anybody on the Board say anything to you about 
K04 120 this?"<quote/><p/>
K04 121 <p_><quote_>"No, because it was -"<quote/><p/>
K04 122 <p_><quote_>"All fixed beforehand. Yes, I see."<quote/><p/>
K04 123 <p_>Sassoon said, <quote_>"May I ask you a question?"<quote/><p/>
K04 124 <p_><quote_>"Go ahead"<quote/><p/>
K04 125 <p_><quote_>"Do <tf|>you think I'm mad?"<quote/><p/>
K04 126 <p_><quote_>"No, of course you're not mad. Did you think you were 
K04 127 going mad?"<quote/><p/>
K04 128 <p_><quote_>"It crossed my mind. You know when you're brought face 
K04 129 to face with the fact that, yes, you did see corpses on the 
K04 130 pavement ..."<quote/><p/>
K04 131 <p_><quote_>"Hallucinations in the half-waking state are 
K04 132 surprisingly common, you know. They're not the same thing as 
K04 133 psychotic hallucinations. Children have them quite 
K04 134 frequently."<quote/><p/>
K04 135 <p_>Sassoon had started pulling at a loose thread on the breast of 
K04 136 his tunic. Rivers watched him for a while. <quote_>"You must've 
K04 137 been in agony when you did that."<quote/><p/>
K04 138 <p_>Sassoon lowered his hand. <quote_>"No-o. <tf|>Agony's lying in 
K04 139 a shell-hole with your legs shot off. I was <tf|>upset."<quote/> 
K04 140 For a moment he looked almost hostile, then he relaxed. <quote_>"It 
K04 141 was a futile gesture. I'm not particularly proud of it."<quote/><p/>
K04 142 <p_><quote_>"You threw it in the Mersey, didn't you?"<quote/><p/>
K04 143 <p_><quote_>"Yes. It wasn't heavy enough to sink, so it 
K04 144 just"<quote/> - a glint of amusement - <quote_>"<tf|>bobbed around. 
K04 145 There was a ship sailing past, quite a long way out, in the 
K04 146 estuary, and I looked at this little scrap of ribbon floating and I 
K04 147 looked at the ship, and I thought that me trying to stop the war 
K04 148 was a bit like trying to stop the ship would have been. You know, 
K04 149 all they'd've seen from the deck was this little figure jumping up 
K04 150 and down, waving its arms, and they wouldn't've known what on earth 
K04 151 it was getting so excited about."<quote/><p/>
K04 152 <p_><quote_>"So you realized <tf|>then that it was 
K04 153 futile?"<quote/><p/>
K04 154 <p_>Sassoon lifted his head. <quote_>"It still had to be done. You 
K04 155 can't just acquiesce."<quote/><p/>
K04 156 <p_>Rivers hesitated. <quote_>"Look, I think, we've ... we've got 
K04 157 about as far as we can get today. You must be very tired."<quote/> 
K04 158 He stood up. <quote_>"I'll see you tomorrow morning at ten. Oh, and 
K04 159 could you ask Captain Graves to see me as soon as he 
K04 160 arrives?"<quote/><p/>
K04 161 <p_>Sassoon stood up. <quote_>"You said a bit back you didn't think 
K04 162 I was mad."<quote/><p/>
K04 163 <p_><quote_>"I'm quite sure you're not. As a matter of fact I don't 
K04 164 even think you've got a war neurosis."<quote/><p/>
K04 165 <p_>Sassoon digested this. <quote_>"What have I got, 
K04 166 then?"<quote/><p/>
K04 167 <p_><quote_>"You seem to have a very powerful <tf_>anti<tf/>-war 
K04 168 neurosis."<quote/><p/>
K04 169 <p_>They looked at each other and laughed. Rivers said, 
K04 170 <quote_>"You realize, don't you, that it's my duty to ... to try to 
K04 171 change that? I can't pretend to be neutral."<quote/><p/>
K04 172 <p_>Sassoon's glance took in both their uniforms. <quote_>"No, of 
K04 173 course not."<quote/><p/>
K04 174 <p_>Rivers made a point of sitting next to Bryce at dinner.<p/>
K04 175 <p_><quote|>"Well," Bryce said, <quote_>"what did you make of 
K04 176 him?"<quote/><p/>
K04 177 <p_><quote_>"I can't find anything wrong. He doesn't show any sign 
K04 178 of depression, he's not excited -"<quote/><p/>
K04 179 <p_><quote|>"Physically?"<p/>
K04 180 <p_><quote|>"Nothing."<p/>
K04 181 <p_><quote_>"Perhaps he just doesn't want to be killed."<quote/><p/>
K04 182 <p_><quote_>"Oh, I think he'd be most insulted if you suggested 
K04 183 <tf|>that. To be fair, he did have a job lined up in Cambridge, 
K04 184 training cadets - so it isn't a question of avoiding being sent 
K04 185 back. He could've taken that if he'd wanted to save his 
K04 186 skin."<quote/><p/>
K04 187 <p_><quote_>"Any trace of ... er ... religious 
K04 188 <tf|>enthusiasm?"<quote/><p/>
K04 189 <p_><quote_>"No, I'm afraid not. I was hoping for that 
K04 190 too."<quote/><p/>
K04 191 <p_>They looked at each other, amused. <quote_>"You know, the 
K04 192 curious thing is I don't think he's even a pacifist? It seems to be 
K04 193 entirely a matter of of<&|>sic! horror at the extent of the 
K04 194 slaughter, combined with a feeling of anger that the government 
K04 195 won't state its war aims and impose some kind of <tf|>limitation on 
K04 196 the whole thing. That, and an absolutely corrosive hatred of 
K04 197 civilians. <tf|>And noncombatants in uniform."<quote/><p/>
K04 198 <p_><quote_>"What an uncomfortable time you must've 
K04 199 had."<quote/><p/>
K04 200 <p_><quote_>"No-o, I rather gather I was seen as an 
K04 201 exception."<quote/><p/>
K04 202 <p_>Bryce looked amused. <quote_>"Did <tf|>you like 
K04 203 <tf|>him?"<quote/><p/>
K04 204 <p_><quote_>"Yes, very much. And I found him ... much more 
K04 205 <tf|>impressive than I expected."<quote/><p/>
K04 206 <p_>Sassoon, at his table under the window, sat in silence. The men 
K04 207 on either side of him stammered so badly that conversation would 
K04 208 have been impossible, even if he had wished for it, but he was 
K04 209 content to withdraw into his own thoughts.<p/>
K04 210 <p_>He remembered the day before Arras, staggering from the outpost 
K04 211 trench to the main trench and back again, carrying boxes of trench 
K04 212 mortar bombs, passing the same corpses time after time, until their 
K04 213 twisted and blackened shapes began to seem like old friends. At one 
K04 214 point he'd had to pass two hands sticking up out of a heap of 
K04 215 pocked and pitted chalk, like the roots of an overturned tree. No 
K04 216 way of telling if they were British or German hands. No way of 
K04 217 persuading himself it mattered. <p/>
K04 218 <p_><quote_>"Do you play golf?<quote/><p/>
K04 219 <p_><quote_>"I'm sorry?"<quote/><p/>
K04 220 <p_><quote_>"I asked if you played golf."<quote/><p/>
K04 221 <p_>Small blue eyes, nibbled gingery moustache, an RAMC badge. He 
K04 222 held out his hand. <quote_>"Ralph Anderson."<quote/><p/>
K04 223 <p_>Sassoon shook hands and introduced himself. <quote_>"Yes, I 
K04 224 do."<quote/><p/>
K04 225 <p_><quote_>"What's your handicap?"<quote/><p/>
K04 226 <p_>Sassoon told him. After all, why not? It seemed an entirely 
K04 227 suitable topic for Bedlam.<p/>
K04 228 <p_><quote_>"Ah, then we might have a game."<quote/><p/>
K04 229 <p_><quote_>"I'm afraid I haven't brought my clubs."<quote/><p/>
K04 230 <p_><quote_>"Send for them. Some of the best courses in the country 
K04 231 round here."<quote/><p/>
K04 232 <p_>Sassoon had opened his mouth to reply when a commotion started 
K04 233 near the door. As far as he could tell, somebody seemed to have 
K04 234 been sick. At any rate, a thin, yellow-skinned man was on his feet, 
K04 235 choking and gagging. A couple of VADs ran across to him, clucking, 
K04 236 fussing, flapping ineffectually at his tunic with a napkin, until 
K04 237 eventually they had the sense to get him out of the room. The swing 
K04 238 doors closed behind them. A moment's silence, and then, as if 
K04 239 nothing had happened, the buzz of conversation rose again.<p/>
K04 240 <p_>Rivers stood up and pushed his plate away. <quote_>"I think I'd 
K04 241 better go."<quote/><p/>
K04 242 <p_><quote_>"Why not wait till you've finished?"<quote/> Bryce 
K04 243 said. <quote_>"You eat little enough as it is."<quote/><p/>
K04 244 <p_>Rivers patted his midriff. <quote_>"Oh, I shan't fade away just 
K04 245 yet."<quote/><p/>
K04 246 <p_>Whenever Rivers wanted to get to the top floor without being 
K04 247 stopped half a dozen times on the way, he used the back staircase. 
K04 248 Pipes lined the walls, twisting with the turning of the stair, 
K04 249 gurgling from time to time like lengths of human intestine. It was 
K04 250 dark, the air stuffy, and sweat began to prickle in the roots of 
K04 251 his hair. It was a relief to push the swing door open and come out 
K04 252 on to the top corridor, where the air was cool at least, though he 
K04 253 never failed to be depressed by the long narrow passage with its 
K04 254 double row of brown doors and the absence of natural light.
K04 255 
K05   1 <#FLOB:K05\><p_>Brothers and Sisters I'm afraid there has been a 
K05   2 coup. Please, no panic. I mean a <tf_>coup de 
K05   3 th<*_>e-acute<*/><*_>a-circ<*/>tre. I, Zero, have ousted the tyrant 
K05   4 author. Now I am master of ceremonies in earnest. There will be, 
K05   5 alas, no tea and cakes in the Rex Cafe and Stores, no chatter about 
K05   6 cinema and society.<p/>
K05   7 <p_>Rest assured the army is loyal. Just how loyal I must now 
K05   8 relate.<p/>
K05   9 <p_>I believe there was a plan afoot, under the previous regime, to 
K05  10 leave the story up in the air. To have us grovelling, groping in 
K05  11 the dark, the air heavy with meaning. The shot in the dark, the 
K05  12 rule of the gun and so on. I did not like it. I don't like open 
K05  13 endings, loose ends, symbols. Nor will I be pensioned off to the 
K05  14 retirement valley. So I offer my own resolutions.<p/>
K05  15 <p_>I concede we were all in it together, all culpable, but not 
K05  16 equally. I agree we get the government we deserve, but some are 
K05  17 more deserving. Let me sift out the weevils.<p/>
K05  18 <p_>Nero escaped hanging. The fingerprints on the gun didn't tally. 
K05  19 I understand she is now a lecturer in film studies at Pune where 
K05  20 her lectures are well attended. They would be sold out if there 
K05  21 were not a barrier at the Film Institute gate to keep out thieves 
K05  22 and idlers and assorted villains. She does not hold with the 
K05  23 Lacanians.<p/>
K05  24 <p_>Captain Memo turned his back on filmdom forever after that 
K05  25 night. He sold his Hero Honda for a one-way ticket to London. There 
K05  26 he returned to boxing but was debarred from the ring for punching a 
K05  27 judge. Driven by the old intensities, he turned to writing, but 
K05  28 found his gloves would not come off. He has learnt to type with 
K05  29 them on.<p/>
K05  30 <p_>Golgappa died, needing no cremation. He was remembered in 
K05  31 <tf|>Talkie-Talkie, but not the <tf|>Tatler. One or two chubby boys 
K05  32 suffered burns, though not serious burns. Not disfiguring burns at 
K05  33 any rate, for they were back on the TV epic circuit before long, 
K05  34 reconciled to the small screen. Yes, TV, not Didi.<p/>
K05  35 <p_>So. Back to the edible oils for the chubby boys (and the 
K05  36 soyabean girl), back to the cyclotron for the (?) particle 
K05  37 physicist. A five-star hotel snapped up Francis.<p/>
K05  38 <p_>Nandita and Flora Fountain found happiness together in Bombay. 
K05  39 Chaman Lal, producer again, was a regular visitor at their Bandra 
K05  40 home where he too read <tf_>War and Peace<tf/>. Guppy Agarwal lost 
K05  41 more money but he bought himself a new safari suit, at a sale.<p/>
K05  42 <p_>Who would have thought Alok Singh, whilom 3c, would become PM! 
K05  43 3a and 3b fell out and he was the compromise candidate. His 
K05  44 speeches are written, if that is the word, by one <tf_>A.B.<tf/> 
K05  45 His wife is a nervous wreck but she'll get used to the idea of 
K05  46 being First Lady, will go on foreign tours and spending sprees and 
K05  47 leave the post in tears.<p/>
K05  48 <p_>GJ is a social worker, until the next election. He backed Alok 
K05  49 Singh; he keeps him there. But the worm can turn, so he is looking 
K05  50 for fresh bait.<p/>
K05  51 <p_>But you are wondering about UD.<p/>
K05  52 <p_>And you would like to be sure about Hero.<p/>
K05  53 <p_>Yes, Hero died; instantly, I would think. But UD was not the 
K05  54 shape on the grass I thought I saw from the royal balcony.<p/>
K05  55 <p_>Long before the guests violated her chamber in their tantric 
K05  56 fury, UD had left the Khas Mahal by the south entrance, on the 
K05  57 other side from the Diwan-i-Khas and the terrace where the 
K05  58 Democracy Drummers were drumming. The headache she pleaded was 
K05  59 real; the drumming made it worse. Instead of going down the steps 
K05  60 as she usually did to avoid the Coloured Palace, she crossed 
K05  61 straight to it and stepped in. There was a light on in there, in 
K05  62 Nero's room. She went in. Nero was there, painting her legs.<p/>
K05  63 <p_>It was the first time they'd met since moving into the fort 
K05  64 though they were neighbours. There must have been some initial 
K05  65 awkwardness. After all, the last time they'd met, at the house on 
K05  66 Chanakya Avenue, UD was happily married and Nero a guest. Now it 
K05  67 was different. I don't know what they talked about, but talk they 
K05  68 did. There were notes to compare, no doubt, because just before I 
K05  69 kissed her goodbye, UD let fall, having got a second opinion, a 
K05  70 cryptic judgement on her spouse.<p/>
K05  71 <p_><quote_>"The flesh was willing,"<quote/> she said, <quote_>"but 
K05  72 the bone was weak."<quote/><p/>
K05  73 <p_>So much for the hump.<p/>
K05  74 <p_>When the paint was dry, Nero slipped into her gold bell cloak 
K05  75 and the two parted as friends, Nero hurrying off to the dance, UD 
K05  76 making her way to the cool underground rooms below the Coloured 
K05  77 Palace. Here Shah Jehan's ladies retired in summer, cooled by the 
K05  78 Stream of Paradise flowing above, by the dark deep earth all round, 
K05  79 by the fresh air that poured through the fretted sandstone screens 
K05  80 set in the vents at ground level. During Hero's harem phase, these 
K05  81 rooms had been opened up and aired and reappointed. Here, in 
K05  82 comparative quiet, UD found a bed and fell asleep.<p/>
K05  83 <p_>She didn't wake until the corybants began their chase. The 
K05  84 explosion, the gunfire overhead would have told their tale. Then 
K05  85 the silence would have drawn her out into the dark night.<p/>
K05  86 <p_>It wasn't dark for long after that single shot. I saw several 
K05  87 torches coming and going in the garden. Somewhere off towards the 
K05  88 Drum House a generator came to life.<p/>
K05  89 <p_>At the time I'd no idea UD was right below us. I made a 
K05  90 lightning dash to my rooms by the museum and was making my way back 
K05  91 to the Khas Mahal when I bumped into her.<p/>
K05  92 <p_><quote_>"What's happening?"<quote/> she said.<p/>
K05  93 <p_>I threw my arms around her, in tears again. <quote_>"He's 
K05  94 dead,"<quote_> I said.<p/>
K05  95 <p_>She took it calmly. We continued on our way to their palace. I 
K05  96 went to his room and put on the <foreign|>burqa. There was also a 
K05  97 bush shirt hanging there which I took. Then I went into her room 
K05  98 where she gave me her shoes. I needed that extra inch. It was then 
K05  99 that she let drop that line about him. She'd been chatting with 
K05 100 Nero, she said. I squeezed her hand. Then I lifted the window of my 
K05 101 <foreign|>burqa and kissed her goodbye. She kissed me back and 
K05 102 dropped the veil.<p/>
K05 103 <p_>I turned away but she called me back. She took off her platinum 
K05 104 ring and gave it to me. Her fingers were so frail it slipped off 
K05 105 easily. It had a fabulous stone set in it, a ruby, Shiraz-red even 
K05 106 by lamplight.<p/>
K05 107 <p_><quote_>"Don't be sentimental about it,"<quote/> she said.<p/>
K05 108 <p_>I went in search of the loyal army. Field Marshal Haq, Chief of 
K05 109 Staff, was in the devastated Diwan-i-Khas, scene of so many kitchen 
K05 110 cabinet meetings. He was on the phone, frantic. There was a torch 
K05 111 lying on the desk before him which he hastily turned on me as I 
K05 112 appeared in the door.<p/>
K05 113 <p_>I gestured <tf|>come with one finger, and brought the finger to 
K05 114 my lips. He put the phone down and came after me like a lamb.<p/>
K05 115 <p_>We went down the Khas Mahal steps and out through the slit. 
K05 116 Then we walked side by side along the wall to the Delhi Gate where 
K05 117 the security ring parted for us. We walked in silence along Netaji 
K05 118 Subhash Road to the Daryaganj overbridge. Once when he tried to 
K05 119 speak I shushed him. Up there on the deserted bridge he shed his 
K05 120 stars and stripes and put on the bush shirt. We descended on the 
K05 121 other side and came to the Eros. He bought tickets and we went 
K05 122 in.<p/>
K05 123 <p_>The movie was almost over. The hero was in a motorboat kicking 
K05 124 up water. We sat for a moment, then I stood up again and gestured 
K05 125 <tf|>stay. He sat there loyally. I wanted to pat his head and say: 
K05 126 <tf_>Good dog.<tf/> I walked back up the aisle to the ladies' cloak 
K05 127 room. There I threw off the <foreign|>burqa. I was about to abandon 
K05 128 it when the door opened and a woman walked in. I bunched up the 
K05 129 <foreign|>burqa and began to polish the mirror with it. I'd seen 
K05 130 that done in some foreign movie. The woman entered the stall and I 
K05 131 slipped out into the night.<p/>
K05 132 <p_>I felt in my pocket the way one does coming out from a movie. 
K05 133 There was a bundle of feathers there, but it said nothing. I drew 
K05 134 out Pedro like a gun. He was still warm. I felt pain and 
K05 135 self-reproach for having forgotten him. When had he died? When the 
K05 136 shot sounded, or earlier? Earlier, probably, in that infernal din. 
K05 137 The drumming would have burst his ear-drums.<p/>
K05 138 <p_>I walked south along the other side of the street from the Eros 
K05 139 saying my goodbyes. At Delhi Gate (the old city gate, not the fort 
K05 140 gate) there was a large pipal tree just outside the city wall, the 
K05 141 sort that birds of every kind - pigeons and parrots mostly - value 
K05 142 for its figs. I climbed a short way up the ropy trunk and placed 
K05 143 him in the wide smooth hollow where the tree forked. There was no 
K05 144 time for grave-digging. <foreign_>Ficus religiosa<foreign/> would 
K05 145 take care of him. A martyr to democracy, or democracy's drums.<p/>
K05 146 <p_>Then I caught a bus, a train, a plane, many planes.<p/>
K05 147 <p_>Far from court, far from care.<p/>
K05 148 <p_>But now I must cover my tracks. You can buy a passport - any 
K05 149 passport - in Kathmandu. (Did I take that route?) I boarded the 
K05 150 plane singing, like every patriotic 
K05 151 <*_>e-acute<*/>migr<*_>e-acute<*/>, '<foreign_>Sare Jahan Se 
K05 152 Achha<foreign/>.' There's no place like home. I believe the poet 
K05 153 Iqbal wrote that before he'd seen the world.<p/>
K05 154 <p_>Here in Vancouver (let us suppose) I will sometimes pause at an 
K05 155 intersection till the red hand has replaced the flashing green man 
K05 156 - that green man whose stride always seems to me criminally 
K05 157 evangelical - and drift off to that last night in Old Delhi. My 
K05 158 fellow pedestrians will flow around me, checking their annoyance or 
K05 159 satisfying it with a sidelong look, but in fact I'm no longer 
K05 160 there. I'm walking along Netaji Subhash Road with a dead parrot in 
K05 161 my pocket. The shot heard around the world is ringing in my ears, 
K05 162 and the democracy drums are throbbing.<p/>
K05 163 <p_>But one must come back. There are little jobs to attend to, the 
K05 164 lawn to mow. I have found a bakery on 4th which makes bagels that 
K05 165 are not unlike my fruit buns. I have a lover.<p/>
K05 166 <p_>I keep in touch, though. Kiran Ahuja, Old Fogey, writes to a 
K05 167 post office box. She's in Dehra Dun these days, has left the Ahuja. 
K05 168 She has got over her bitterness; she can even bring herself to look 
K05 169 in a mirror and like what she sees. They are having municipal 
K05 170 elections in the valley. She tells me the poor will take the free 
K05 171 liquor, the blankets, the transistor radios the other fellow gives 
K05 172 away at election time - and then vote for their man. So the 
K05 173 democracy dance is not in vain.<p/>
K05 174 <p_>She also tells me UD is fat again and going into politics, as 
K05 175 His wife.<p/>
K05 176 <p_>I'm happy to say I put in that capital H quite deliberately. It 
K05 177 didn't catch me unawares. I distrust capitals, though I seem to 
K05 178 keep the capital I. I look forward to the day when we will need no 
K05 179 heroes. When every man will find pleasure (and a little pain) in 
K05 180 his job - when every man will <tf|>have a job. Hero must have had 
K05 181 his dreams too before he gave up, or in. Dejection, despair, are 
K05 182 private hells, harmless enough until they overtake the group. 
K05 183 Sometimes I am visited by a sadness that I shall not live to see 
K05 184 our second moment in history - that I was not born back then, when 
K05 185 we were something, or forward then, when we will be something 
K05 186 again. Not a power, or a force, but simply a people who do things 
K05 187 right, who have faith in themselves. At other times I wish I were 
K05 188 Japanese.
K05 189 
K06   1 <#FLOB:K06\><p_>My parents had presented me with a new opera cape 
K06   2 with white fox-fur trim for this trip. I feared that as it had 
K06   3 ruined my dancing, my disastrous case of strabismus would totally 
K06   4 ruin my life, that the scar on my chin and also the size of my nose 
K06   5 precluded any chance of happiness I might have. No beautiful new 
K06   6 cloak would help in the slightest. Finding it almost impossible to 
K06   7 concentrate or even stir myself from the apathy that had settled 
K06   8 over me, I could not even comb my own hair or dress myself.<p/>
K06   9 <p_>Miss Weaver was afflicted with a case of shingles. I was being 
K06  10 treated by the famous Professor N. Ischlondsky, and expert on 
K06  11 regenerative gland treatments who had published a tract in Russia 
K06  12 on the gonad glands for a new diagnosis of glandular imbalances, a 
K06  13 deficiency in adrenalin secretion. Two lukewarm, two-hour baths 
K06  14 were the treatment. I needed help into both baths and might have 
K06  15 spent the entire day underwater if the nurse hadn't returned to 
K06  16 pull me out, dry me off, dress me and help me back to the couch. My 
K06  17 hands and feet were wrinkled like an old prune.<p/>
K06  18 <p_>The nurse reported to Miss Weaver that I had threatened to buy 
K06  19 two pistols. Miss Weaver reported this to Father. I reported to 
K06  20 Mother that marriage was the only salvation offered to Hindu 
K06  21 girl-children because Hinduism said that females arrived on this 
K06  22 earth with no souls. But what of me? I was not Hindu and couldn't 
K06  23 in good conscience convert!<p/>
K06  24 <p_>My hands, I further told Mother, were so distant from my body 
K06  25 that I didn't know any more if they were connected to my body. Were 
K06  26 they? Because my own thoughts were being broadcast in my head, I 
K06  27 waited until Miss Weaver was out on a business appointment and the 
K06  28 nurse was down in the kitchen, feeding her always famished 
K06  29 appetite, when I grabbed my opera cloak and bolted from the 
K06  30 house.<p/>
K06  31 <p_>I went as far as I could on a bus. I found myself far from 
K06  32 Gloucester Place when I was overtaken by fatigue. I slept where I 
K06  33 was, under a street-lamp. When the police found me the opera cape 
K06  34 was in shreds. Miss Weaver came to the police station to fetch me, 
K06  35 and brought me back home. I told Miss Weaver to keep her rules to 
K06  36 herself. I demanded to do as I pleased - after all, my father was a 
K06  37 famous man.<p/>
K06  38 <p_>The doors and windows all now contained locks.<p/>
K06  39 <p_>Father was determined to resist any persuasion to put me back 
K06  40 into another <foreign_>maison de sant<*_>e-acute<*/><foreign/>. The 
K06  41 year was 1935. I was twenty-eight years old. He swore to Mother 
K06  42 that their only daughter's mind was lightning quick and what might 
K06  43 be construed as incomprehensible nonsense to others were flashes of 
K06  44 imagination and wisdom.<p/>
K06  45 <p_>That I threatened suicide put Father into a terribly low state; 
K06  46 he too suffered terrible lethargy with his own work. The book he 
K06  47 had been working on for fifteen years - his masterpiece, he hoped- 
K06  48 seemed not closer to completion. Perhaps, he mused, if he could 
K06  49 complete his book, then I too would be freed.<p/>
K06  50 <h|>34.
K06  51 <p_>The strategy was: complete and total freedom. Mother shopped 
K06  52 for weeks and prepared two trunks for me. At the same time she 
K06  53 bought eleven mirrors for the new flat on <foreign|>rue Valentin. 
K06  54 The opera cloak was mended.<p/>
K06  55 <p_>My strategy was to effect a reconciliation between my father 
K06  56 and the entire country of Ireland. I would travel with my favourite 
K06  57 aunt, Aunt Eileen, Father's look-alike sister. Edgar would join me, 
K06  58 my father agreed.<p/>
K06  59 <p_>Aunt Eileen's strategy was- Irish eggs, Irish air.<p/>
K06  60 <p_>Edgar told Lyo, his boss, that he would be going away for a 
K06  61 trip. He did not know where, but he would need to eat a salmon that 
K06  62 had swallowed a hazelnut before he went.<p/>
K06  63 <p_>Mother and Father accompanied me to the boat-train for London. 
K06  64 There was no scene at the station, the trunks were loaded, I was 
K06  65 the Lucia of old - sweet and laughing at every wry comment made by 
K06  66 either Father or Mother. My mother thought to herself that I looked 
K06  67 too chic to be going to dirty old Ireland, that I should be going 
K06  68 to a horse race instead. She didn't say this out loud, having 
K06  69 become, she believed, the world champion walker-on-eggs, always 
K06  70 alert lest a chair come flying across the room aimed at her 
K06  71 head.<p/>
K06  72 <p_>Father slipped an Irish pound into Edgar's pocket for luck as 
K06  73 Edgar stood off to the side of the tracks, trying as best as he 
K06  74 could to adjust his trousers which seemed to have unequal 
K06  75 leg-lengths.<p/>
K06  76 <p_>After the train had departed, I went to find Edgar. I found him 
K06  77 squeezed between two French schoolchildren in a second-class car 
K06  78 with all their school-books on <tf|>his lap. I brought him back to 
K06  79 my compartment. There I presented him with a hatbox. He held the 
K06  80 hatbox and slowly turned it with appreciation.<p/>
K06  81 <p_>I laughed, <quote_>"<foreign_>Ouvrez la 
K06  82 bo<*_>i-circ<*/>te<foreign/>!"<quote/> He did not understand. I 
K06  83 laughed again and pulled off the top. Edgar peered inside. He liked 
K06  84 what he saw.<p/>
K06  85 <p_><quote_>"Charlie Chaplin!"<quote_> I laughed and removed a 
K06  86 black bowler<?_>-<?/>hat from the box. I placed it squarely on 
K06  87 Edgar's large head. Though just slightly too small, it made him so 
K06  88 happy that he felt salt in his eyes.<p/>
K06  89 <p_>In London, Aunt Eileen met me and brought me by boat to Dun 
K06  90 Laoghaire and then twelve more miles further along the coast, to 
K06  91 the seaside town of Bray where she had rented a half-bungalow on 
K06  92 Meath Road quite close to both the railway station and the sea. I 
K06  93 arrived on St Patrick's Day, I carried a long walking-stick like a 
K06  94 sceptre and wore a grand camel-hair coat.<p/>
K06  95 <p_>Once Aunt Eileen had installed me and gone back into Dublin, I 
K06  96 rearranged all the furnishings in anticipation of Edgar's arrival. 
K06  97 I put the bottle of Veronal under the mattress, then changed into 
K06  98 an oriental kimono with nothing on underneath and lit the gas.<p/>
K06  99 <p_>Edgar arrived in the taxi which was bringing the trunks. He saw 
K06 100 that the door was wide open and people from the neighbourhood were 
K06 101 standing at their doors and staring boldly at the half-bungalow. He 
K06 102 heard someone say, <quote_>"She squints."<quote/><p/>
K06 103 <p_>He carried one trunk into the house and the taximan carried the 
K06 104 other. Then he closed the front door. He had stopped along the way 
K06 105 and purchased groceries and a bag of large 
K06 106 <foreign_>pamplemousses<foreign/> which he now put into a glass 
K06 107 bowl and placed in the centre of the table.<p/>
K06 108 <p_>First he sang a song he'd learned as a child in Genti Couli, 
K06 109 the town outside of Saloniki, where he was born.<p/>
K06 110 <p_>And so ask our bride<p/>
K06 111 <p_>What do you call a head<p/>
K06 112 <p_>This is not called a head but<p/>
K06 113 <p_>A round grapefruit hanging on a grapefruit-tree<p/>
K06 114 <p_>Oh, my grapefruit in a tree<p/>
K06 115 <p_>Of my spacious countryside<p/>
K06 116 <p_>Long live the Bride and Groom<p/>
K06 117 <p_>We began to eat and he told me about his childhood. He 
K06 118 explained that all four of his older brothers had gone to the 
K06 119 Transvaal gold-mines in South Africa before he was born. His mother 
K06 120 had lit candles for their safe return but none had returned. Though 
K06 121 he was a small boy during the Great War, Edgar remembered his own 
K06 122 father going with a group of men from the village to work in French 
K06 123 shipyards. His father was bearded with blue eyes. He recalled more 
K06 124 lighting of candles.<p/>
K06 125 <p_>After the Great War Edgar lived with his mother, grandfather 
K06 126 and last three unmarried sisters, in a tin house which had been an 
K06 127 Allied troop barrack during the war. They waited for their father 
K06 128 to return but he did not.<p/>
K06 129 <p_>The entire village worked in the shipyards.<p/>
K06 130 <p_>Quite young he would feed his mother's silkworms with mulberry 
K06 131 leaves and tend to the bright-yellow silk loops which emerged from 
K06 132 the kettles, winding themselves on to the wooden frames. At night 
K06 133 he would fall asleep listening to the crackling, chewing of the 
K06 134 silkworms.<p/>
K06 135 <p_>When his mother took the raw silk to the loom, Edgar would hold 
K06 136 the soft curls carefully for her, reluctant to surrender them to 
K06 137 the weavers.<p/>
K06 138 <p_>Like a sack of stone he had fallen head first from a fig-tree 
K06 139 and died.<p/>
K06 140 <p_>In the family's tin shack a cloth covered the shard of mirror 
K06 141 on the wall and an earthen pitcher of clean water stood at the 
K06 142 door. Together the men carried the borrowed child's-size pine box 
K06 143 to the cemetery. Women sobbed and moaned, prayers were chanted as 
K06 144 the procession passed through the narrow streets and up towards the 
K06 145 cemetery. When the noise of a funeral was heard in other parts of 
K06 146 town, doors were shut. Behind these closed doors the women in their 
K06 147 kitchens, in order to walk symbolically with the dead boy, walked 
K06 148 three steps forwards and then, in order to return symbolically to 
K06 149 normal life (come back from the dead), walked three steps 
K06 150 backwards. <p/>
K06 151 <p_>On arriving at the cemetery a small grave had been dug. The 
K06 152 body was removed from the borrowed casket.<p/>
K06 153 <p_>Edgar's grandfather took a handful of dirt, pulled Edgar's 
K06 154 eyelids open, and rubbed the dirt into his eyes. Then the men 
K06 155 lowered the body into the grave. The grandfather splashed the body 
K06 156 with wine, thinking, <quote_>"This boy will never drink wine. Never 
K06 157 love a woman. Never sing a song. Never carry on my name."<quote/> 
K06 158 The rabbi sprinkled the body with dry dirt. Immediately, then, all 
K06 159 the mourners began to throw dirt down on the small body below, head 
K06 160 and foot. Wailing, the mother covered her own face with dirt.<p/>
K06 161 <p_>It was at this moment that Edgar sat up and began to rub his 
K06 162 eyes.<p/>
K06 163 <p_>Still covered in dirt, he was carried home to his grandfather's 
K06 164 bed. His aunt fainted dead out when she saw him carried in through 
K06 165 the door. His mother washed him from head to toe and tied a piece 
K06 166 of potato with cloth on his head. She made pinholes in a sheet of 
K06 167 newspaper and covered him front and back.<p/>
K06 168 <p_>His mother then mixed a glass of water with sugar and went to 
K06 169 the fig-tree. She poured the mixture into the ground where the 
K06 170 accident had occurred. His mother believed that Edgar had been 
K06 171 smitten with the evil eye, perhaps from the dangerous blue eyes of 
K06 172 his father.<p/>
K06 173 <p_>Daily she chanted seven times:<p/>
K06 174 <p_>All the evil eyes. all the stares, the pain and the evil eye<p/>
K06 175 <p_>All will go to the bottom of the sea<p/>
K06 176 <p_>And this created will be freed from the evil eye.<p/>
K06 177 <p_>Then, morning and night, and between, she would throw a handful 
K06 178 of salt into the stream of his urine, and say:<p/>
K06 179 <p_>They are not from the sky, nor the earth<p/>
K06 180 <p_>How they come, so should they go.<p/>
K06 181 <p_>When he got older his roaming ways began. Much of the city of 
K06 182 Thessalloniki, as it was then called, had been devastated by the 
K06 183 great fire in the summer of 1917 and still lay in ruins. Edgar 
K06 184 would climb around the charred remains and up the slopes of Mt 
K06 185 Khortiatis through huddled houses of the old town, close to the 
K06 186 battlement walks of the old citadel where Mediterranean pine-trees 
K06 187 had begun, through the charred woods, to sprout tender green shots 
K06 188 again.<p/>
K06 189 <p_>Sometimes he would go to the Lefkos Pirg<*_>o-acute<*/>s on the 
K06 190 quay of the old port surrounded by trees which had been spared by 
K06 191 the fire, sit down on the rampart swinging his legs over the gulf 
K06 192 of Thermai, watching ships sail out to sea.<p/>
K06 193 <p_>In winter the eerie Vardas wind would freeze and whine in his 
K06 194 ears but he wandered still.<p/>
K06 195 <h|>35.
K06 196 <p_>When I next opened the door to the bungalow both Edgar and I 
K06 197 were fat as Christmas geese. Because this was my first time playing 
K06 198 house, I had created my own recipes for food - raw meat and 
K06 199 <foreign_>pamplemousse<foreign/>, buttermilk scones with cabbage, 
K06 200 sweetbreads and porridge. Neither of us had ever been fat before 
K06 201 and we decided that it was to our liking. It made noise seem 
K06 202 further away, it made sleeping cosier.<p/>
K06 203 
K07   1 <#FLOB:K07\><h_><p_>1<p/>
K07   2 <p_>Saturday 12th<p/><h/>
K07   3 <p_>Drove to the Geyser Hospital this morning to see Ursula's 
K07   4 oncologist, by appointment. The Geyser is a huge medical citadel, 
K07   5 much bigger and grander than St Joseph's, recently constructed in a 
K07   6 curvilinear concrete and mirror glass on a site about ten miles 
K07   7 outside Honolulu. Apparently it used to be situated down by the 
K07   8 shore just outside Waikiki, next to the Marina, but a few years ago 
K07   9 the site was sold to developers, the hospital demolished and a 
K07  10 high-rise luxury hotel was constructed in its place. In fact the 
K07  11 reception area of the new hospital is itself a bit like the lobby 
K07  12 of a luxury hotel, carpeted and upholstered in tasteful tones of 
K07  13 grey and mauve, with examples of Hawaiian folk art on the walls - 
K07  14 an indication of how profitable the change of location was. Dr 
K07  15 Gerson assures me that it also has all the state-of-the-art medical 
K07  16 technology, but it must seem a long ambulance ride if you happen to 
K07  17 be knocked down in Waikiki.<p/>
K07  18 <p_>Gerson admits to missing the view he used to have, from his old 
K07  19 office, of the yachts going in and out of the marina. He is a keen 
K07  20 windsurfer, and I should think he is good at it - he is lean, wiry, 
K07  21 youngish. As he leafed through Ursula's file he tilted his swivel 
K07  22 chair as far as it would go as if balancing a sailboard against the 
K07  23 wind. His forearms, thrust from the short sleeves of his starched 
K07  24 white tunic, were tanned and muscular, covered with fine gold 
K07  25 hairs.<p/>
K07  26 <p_>He thanked me for coming to Honolulu - <quote_>"Frankly, it 
K07  27 makes my task easier if there's family around to take care of the 
K07  28 practical problems in a case like this."<quote/> He was brisk, 
K07  29 forthright and, I thought, a little cold. Perhaps you have to be in 
K07  30 his line of medicine. The mortality rate of his patients must be 
K07  31 pretty high. He confirmed what Ursula had told me about her 
K07  32 condition: malignant melanoma with secondary cancers of the liver 
K07  33 and spleen.<quote_>"Caused by too much exposure to the sun, I'm 
K07  34 afraid, in the days when the danger wasn't appreciated. People came 
K07  35 here because of the climate and lay about in the sun all day. It 
K07  36 was asking for trouble. I always wear a sunblock with a fifteen per 
K07  37 cent protection factor when I go windsurfing. I advise you to do 
K07  38 the same on the beach."<quote/> I said I doubted if I would have 
K07  39 any time for sunbathing.<p/>
K07  40 <p_>Prognosis was difficult, he said, especially with elderly 
K07  41 patients. His own estimate was that Ursula would live for about six 
K07  42 months, but it could be more, or much less. The condition was 
K07  43 incurable, <quote_>"This type of cancer doesn't respond well to 
K07  44 radiotherapy or chemotherapy. I offered them to Mrs Riddell because 
K07  45 they can give some remission in certain cases, but she declined, 
K07  46 and I respect that. She's a tough old lady, your aunt. She knows 
K07  47 her own mind."<quote/><p/>
K07  48 <p_>When I criticized the accommodation she was in, he answered, as 
K07  49 I knew he would, that she had insisted on the cheapest available. 
K07  50 <quote_>"But I agree with you, it's not appropriate for a patient 
K07  51 in her condition, and will become even less so as time goes 
K07  52 on."<quote/> He said there were several private nursing homes in 
K07  53 and around Honolulu, costing anything from $3000 a month up, 
K07  54 according to the type of care and degree of luxury they offer, and 
K07  55 gave me a list compiled by the hospital's Nursing Coordinator. He 
K07  56 explained that Ursula's medical plan covered her for something 
K07  57 called Skilled Nursing Care, i.e. 24-hour attendance by registered 
K07  58 nurses, such as you get in hospital, but not Intermediate Nursing 
K07  59 Care, which is all she needs at present - or so he says. I deduced 
K07  60 that there was a certain pressure on him not to admit patients to 
K07  61 hospital lightly, since they then become a charge on the Geyser 
K07  62 Foundation. I said I thought Ursula ought to be in hospital while I 
K07  63 looked for a suitable nursing home, and pressed him to visit her. 
K07  64 He said he was very busy, but when I told him how badly constipated 
K07  65 she was, he agreed to try and call on her today.<p/>
K07  66 <p_>Drove back along the freeway to visit Daddy at St Joseph's. He 
K07  67 is in some pain, and was fretful and surly. He turned his nose up 
K07  68 to the pyjamas I had bought for him because they didn't button at 
K07  69 the neck. I pointed out that in this climate you didn't need 
K07  70 pyjamas that buttoned at the neck, and he said, <quote_>"What about 
K07  71 when I go home - or don't you think I'm ever going to get 
K07  72 home?"<quote/> I told him not to be silly. I described my visit to 
K07  73 Ursula yesterday, but he didn't seem very interested. Illness, I'm 
K07  74 afraid, makes people even more selfish and ill-natured than they 
K07  75 are normally. In all my time as a parish priest, visiting the sick 
K07  76 in hospital and at home, I could count on the fingers of one hand 
K07  77 the number of patients I met who 'rose above' their suffering. I'm 
K07  78 pretty sure I wouldn't be one of that number myself.<p/>
K07  79 <p_>Daddy asked me if I had telephoned Tess to tell her about his 
K07  80 accident. I said I thought it was pointless to worry her unless it 
K07  81 was absolutely necessary. He was displeased and said she had a 
K07  82 right to know, the whole family had a right to know. What he meant 
K07  83 was that he had a right to know they were all worrying themselves 
K07  84 sick on his behalf, and blaming me. He said slyly, <quote_>"You are 
K07  85 afraid of Tess, aren't you?"<quote/>. Touch<*_>e-acute<*/>.<p/>
K07  86 <p_>On my way out, I met Daddy's physician, Dr Figuera, a cheerful, 
K07  87 portly man of about sixty, who assured me that Daddy was making a 
K07  88 good recovery, and that he didn't anticipate any complications. 
K07  89 <quote_>"Good bones, good bones,"<quote/> he said. <quote_>"Don't 
K07  90 worry about him. He'll mend."<quote/><p/>
K07  91 <p_>Drove to Mrs Jones's. A white BMW with a sailboard on the 
K07  92 roof-rack was parked outside, and proved to belong to Dr Gerson, 
K07  93 who was just leaving as I arrived. We conferred in the street, 
K07  94 through the open window of his car. His tanned, golden-haired arm 
K07  95 was jack-knifed to grip the roof. <quote_>"You were right to call 
K07  96 me in, she's in bad shape,"<quote/> he said. <quote_>"I'm 
K07  97 readmitting her to treat the constipation. That should give you a 
K07  98 few days to fix up a nursing home, OK?"<quote/> I asked him when 
K07  99 Ursula would be moved, and he said, <quote_>"When can you bring her 
K07 100 in?"<quote/> I pointed to my old Honda and said, <quote_>"You mean, 
K07 101 in that? Can't she have an ambulance?"<quote/> He said, somewhat 
K07 102 irritably, <quote_>"You don't seem to realize I have to operate 
K07 103 within certain financial constraints. I have to make a medical case 
K07 104 for every ambulance I authorize. If your aunt can walk to the 
K07 105 bathroom, she can walk to your car."<quote/><p/>
K07 106 <p_>I pointed out that the cast on her arm would make this 
K07 107 difficult.<p/>
K07 108 <p_><quote_>"She can sit in the back."<quote/><p/>
K07 109 <p_><quote_>"It's a two-door car. She could never climb into the 
K07 110 back."<quote/><p/>
K07 111 <p_>He sighed and said, <quote_>"OK. You get your 
K07 112 ambulance."<quote/><p/>
K07 113 <p_>I stayed with Ursula until the ambulance came, and helped her 
K07 114 pack her few belongings. Mrs Jones, who had given me a very frigid 
K07 115 reception at the front door, didn't come near us. <quote_>"She 
K07 116 thinks it's your fault that I'm being moved,"<quote/> Ursula said. 
K07 117 <quote_>"Well,"<quote/> I said, <quote_>"she's right,"<quote/> and 
K07 118 we giggled conspiratorially.<p/>
K07 119 <p_>Ursula was delighted to be escaping from that dreary house. For 
K07 120 the first time since I got to Hawaii - for the first time in a long 
K07 121 while - I felt a glow of satisfaction at having achieved something, 
K07 122 at having bent circumstances to my will, at having been of some 
K07 123 use. Ursula has also been busy on her own account. She had Mrs 
K07 124 Jones bring her a cordless phone, and made calls to her bank, her 
K07 125 stockbroker and her lawyer. It seems that I must obtain power of 
K07 126 attorney before I can consolidate her various bank accounts and 
K07 127 sell her stocks and shares.<p/>
K07 128 <p_>Rereading that sentence, I sound like a man of business. In 
K07 129 fact I have only the foggiest idea of what is entailed. I have 
K07 130 never managed personal finances more complex than a current bank 
K07 131 account and a Post Office Savings Book in my life. When I was 
K07 132 parish priest of St Peter's and Paul's my curate Thomas did all the 
K07 133 accounts. He had a head for figures, fortunately. I'm just about 
K07 134 the least qualified person in the world to help Ursula settle her 
K07 135 affairs. But I suppose I can learn, if only from Ursula. Perhaps 
K07 136 she learned from Rick. It surprises me that she has any investments 
K07 137 at all, good or bad. The Walshes never were any good at money. We 
K07 138 don't understand its abstract workings - interest, inflation, 
K07 139 depreciation. Money to us is cash: coin and banknotes, kept in 
K07 140 jamjars and under mattresses, something necessary, coveted, but 
K07 141 vaguely disreputable. Family gatherings - weddings, funerals, 
K07 142 visits from or to relatives in Ireland - were always marked by 
K07 143 people furtively pushing screwed-up, low-denomination bank-notes 
K07 144 into each other's hands or pockets by way of presents. We never had 
K07 145 enough money at home, and what we had was badly managed. Mummy 
K07 146 would send one of the girls out to the shops every day, for little 
K07 147 bits of this and that, instead of buying in bulk. Daddy never had 
K07 148 any savings to speak of. I think he bet on horses secretly. Once, 
K07 149 when I was still at school, I borrowed a raincoat of his and found 
K07 150 a betting slip in the pocket. I never told anybody.<p/>
K07 151 <p_>The ambulance came at three. The men moved Ursula out in a 
K07 152 wheelchair, which they carried down the front steps, and I brought 
K07 153 up the rear with her little holdall. Mrs Jones put on an oily 
K07 154 display of sympathetic concern for the benefit of the ambulancemen, 
K07 155 patting Ursula's hand as she was carried over the threshold. The 
K07 156 ambulance drove sedately and sirenless along the freeway to the 
K07 157 Geyser, and I followed in my car. I took Ursula's belongings up to 
K07 158 her ward, but did not linger. She is in a room with three other 
K07 159 women, but the beds are placed in the middle of the floorspace at 
K07 160 oblique angles, so that the occupants don't have to stare at each 
K07 161 other across the room, as they do in a British hospital.<p/>
K07 162 <p_>Before I left I told Ursula about finding this writing book in 
K07 163 her bureau, and asked her if I could have it. She said, <quote_>"Of 
K07 164 course, Bernard, take anything you like. All I have is yours for 
K07 165 the asking."<quote/> She bought the book a long time ago to write 
K07 166 down recipes in, but she had never used it and had forgotten all 
K07 167 about it.<p/>
K07 168 <p_>Called in again at St Joseph's on my way home, and was 
K07 169 pleasantly surprised to find Mrs Knoepflmacher sitting beside 
K07 170 Daddy's bed, in a bright yellow <tf|>muu-muu and gold sandals.(She 
K07 171 seemed to have re-tinted her hair ash blonde to match - is that 
K07 172 possible? Perhaps she wears a wig.) There was a small basket of 
K07 173 fruit on the bedside table, gaudy and artificial-looking as 
K07 174 millinery. I suppose I must have mentioned the name of the hospital 
K07 175 to her yesterday evening, and she decided to visit Daddy. This was 
K07 176 a kind gesture, even though Ursula would probably ascribe it to 
K07 177 nosiness. I thanked her warmly and, after a few minutes of empty 
K07 178 chat, she left us alone.<p/>
K07 179 <p_><quote_>"Begob, I thought she'd never go,"<quote/> Daddy said. 
K07 180 <quote_>"I'm bursting. Will you tell the nurse I need a bottle, for 
K07 181 the love of Jesus. They never answer when I press this 
K07 182 thing."<quote/> He indicated the bell-push on his bedside table. I 
K07 183 found a pretty Hawaiian nurse, who brought him a bottle and drew 
K07 184 the curtains round his bed, and I hung about a little 
K07 185 self-consciously outside the screen while he relieved himself. The 
K07 186 nurse returned and carried off the bottle.<p/>
K07 187 <p_><quote_>"A nice thing to be doing at my time of life,"<quote/> 
K07 188 he said bitterly. <quote_>"Pissing into a bottle and handing it to 
K07 189 a strange black woman, wrapped in a towel like it was vintage 
K07 190 champagne.
K07 191 
K08   1 <#FLOB:K08\><h|>NINE
K08   2 <p_><quote_>"MARTYN IS COMING over for lunch again on Sunday. I 
K08   3 think he's got something to tell us."<quote/><p/>
K08   4 <p_><quote_>"What?"<quote/><p/>
K08   5 <p_><quote_>"I hope it's not that he is going to marry Anna, but I 
K08   6 fear that it is."<quote/><p/>
K08   7 <p_><quote_>"Marry her?"<quote/><p/>
K08   8 <p_><quote_>"Yes. There was something in his voice. Oh, I don't 
K08   9 know. I may be wrong."<quote/><p/>
K08  10 <p_><quote_>"He can't marry her."<quote/> Why do those we have 
K08  11 loved half our lives not know when devastation threatens? How can 
K08  12 they simply not know?<p/>
K08  13 <p_><quote_>"Good God, you sound like a Victorian father. He's over 
K08  14 twenty-one. He can do what he likes. I don't like that girl. But I 
K08  15 know Martyn. If he wants her, he will have her. He's got your 
K08  16 father's determination."<quote/><p/>
K08  17 <p_>I noticed she did not say mine.<p/>
K08  18 <p_><quote_>"Well, we must all wait until Sunday,"<quote/> she 
K08  19 sighed.<p/>
K08  20 <p_>The conversation was over. My thoughts went wildly into battle 
K08  21 with each other. I was wounded, defended myself, and fought myself 
K08  22 again. Silently, while I pretended to read, on and on the battle 
K08  23 raged. I was engulfed by anger and fear. Fear that I would never 
K08  24 get control of myself again. That I was now uprooted. And by a 
K08  25 storm of such force that even if there was a dim possibility of 
K08  26 survival, I would be permanently damaged, permanently weakened.<p/>
K08  27 <p_>I had not spoken. I had not touched, I had not possessed. But I 
K08  28 had recognised her. And in her, had recognised myself.<p/>
K08  29 <p_>I needed to get out of the house and walk. The forced stillness 
K08  30 of the room was agony. The pain could only be borne by constant, 
K08  31 endless movement.<p/>
K08  32 <p_>I touched Ingrid's forehead briefly, and I left the house. How 
K08  33 can you not know? Can't you sense, smell, taste disaster waiting in 
K08  34 the corners of the house? Waiting at the bottom of the garden.<p/>
K08  35 <p_>I was exhausted when I returned. I slept like some heavy 
K08  36 animal, uncertain if it can ever rise again.<p/>
K08  37 <h|>TEN
K08  38 <p_><quote_>"HELLO, IT'S ANNA."<quote/><p/>
K08  39 <p_>I waited quietly. Knowing that in my life there was now an end 
K08  40 and a beginning. Not knowing where the beginning would end.<p/>
K08  41 <p_><quote_>"Where are you? Go to your house. I will be there in an 
K08  42 hour,"<quote/> I said. I took the address and put down the 
K08  43 phone.<p/>
K08  44 <p_>There are hidden enclaves in London of creamy houses, rich with 
K08  45 discretion. In the deep oily blackness of the door I watched the 
K08  46 outline of my body as I pressed the bell, and waited to enter 
K08  47 Anna's small, low and to me mysterious house.<p/>
K08  48 <p_>We made no sound as we moved down the honey<?_>-<?/>coloured 
K08  49 carpet of the hall. We went into her sitting<?_>-<?/>room and lay 
K08  50 down on the floor. She flung her arms out, each side of her, and 
K08  51 she drew her legs up. I lay down on her. I sank my head on her 
K08  52 shoulder. I thought of Christ, still nailed to the cross, which had 
K08  53 been laid on the earth. Then with one hand grasping her hair; I 
K08  54 entered her.<p/>
K08  55 <p_>And there we lay. Not speaking, not stirring until finally I 
K08  56 moved my face across hers, and kissed her. And at last the age-old 
K08  57 ritual possessed us, and I bit and tore and held her, round and 
K08  58 round, as we rose and fell, rose and fell into the wilderness.<p/>
K08  59 <p_>Later there would be time for the pain and pleasure lust lends 
K08  60 to love. Time for body lines and angles that provoke the astounded 
K08  61 primitive to leap delighted from the civilised skin, and tear the 
K08  62 woman to him, There would be time for words obscene and dangerous. 
K08  63 There would be time for cruel laughter to excite, and for ribbons 
K08  64 colourfully to bind limbs to a sickening, thrilling subjugation. 
K08  65 There would be time for flowers to put out the eyes, and for silken 
K08  66 softness to close the ears. And time also in that dark and silent 
K08  67 world for the howl of the lonely man, who had feared eternal 
K08  68 exile.<p/>
K08  69 <p_>Even if we had never come together again, my life would have 
K08  70 been lost in contemplation of the emerging skeleton beneath my 
K08  71 skin. It was as though a man's bones broke through the face of the 
K08  72 werewolf. Shining with humanity he stalked through his midnight 
K08  73 life towards the first day.<p/>
K08  74 <p_>We bathed separately. I left alone, without speaking. I walked 
K08  75 the long walk home. I stared at Ingrid as she came to greet me and 
K08  76 muttered something about needing to rest for a few hours. I 
K08  77 undressed and lay on the bed, and was instantly asleep. I slept 
K08  78 through until morning, twelve hours, a kind of death perhaps.<p/>
K08  79 <h|>ELEVEN
K08  80 <p_><quote_>"LAMB OR BEEF?"<quote/> asked Ingrid.<p/>
K08  81 <p_><quote_>"What?"<quote/><p/>
K08  82 <p_><quote_>"Lamb or beef? Sunday lunch, Martyn and 
K08  83 Anna."<quote/><p/>
K08  84 <p_><quote_>"Oh. Whatever you think."<quote/><p/>
K08  85 <p_><quote_>"Lamb then. Good, that's settled."<quote/><p/>
K08  86 <p_>Anna wore white at lunch. It made her appear larger. The 
K08  87 suggested innocence of the simple white dress disturbed my other 
K08  88 vision of her. It broke my memory of her dark power. She was her 
K08  89 other self; the self that dealt carefully with Ingrid, winning at 
K08  90 least a grudging respect from her; that gazed openly at Martyn; 
K08  91 that calmly spoke to me of food, flowers, and weather; spoke so 
K08  92 well, that none could have guessed the truth.<p/>
K08  93 <p_>If Ingrid had expected an announcement, there was none 
K08  94 forthcoming. They left at four, having refused tea.<p/>
K08  95 <p_><quote_>"Martyn seemed tense, I thought."<quote/> Ingrid had 
K08  96 begun the ritual post-mortem.<p/>
K08  97 <p_><quote_>"Really, I didn't notice."<quote/><p/>
K08  98 <p_><quote_>"No? Well, he did. He looks at her in a slightly 
K08  99 pleading fashion. No doubt who's the lover and the loved there. She 
K08 100 seemed a bit less strange. More open, more friendly. Could have 
K08 101 been the white dress, I suppose. White always disarms 
K08 102 one."<quote/><p/>
K08 103 <p_>Clever Ingrid, I thought, how you can surprise me.<p/>
K08 104 <p_><quote_>"Maybe it will all peter out. Oh God, I do hope so. I 
K08 105 really couldn't bear the idea of Anna as a daughter-in-law. Could 
K08 106 you?"<quote/><p/>
K08 107 <p_>I paused. The idea seemed too preposterous. An alien concept 
K08 108 outside the bounds of possibility. But the question demanded an 
K08 109 answer.<p/>
K08 110 <p_><quote_>"No, I suppose not,"<quote/> I said. We left it 
K08 111 there.<p/>
K08 112 <h|>TWELVE
K08 113 <p_>I bathed Anna's face, which was raw and damp, and squeezing the 
K08 114 sponge let the water run through her hair. For hours, we had fought 
K08 115 a battle with the barricades of the body. The battle over, I lay 
K08 116 beside her.<p/>
K08 117 <p_><quote_>"Anna, please ... talk to me ... who are 
K08 118 you?"<quote/><p/>
K08 119 <p_>There was a long silence.<p/>
K08 120 <p_><quote_>"I am what you desire,"<quote/> she said.<p/>
K08 121 <p_><quote_>"No. That's not what I meant."<quote/><p/>
K08 122 <p_><quote_>"No? But to you, that's what I am. To others I am 
K08 123 something else."<quote/><p/>
K08 124 <p_><quote_>"Others? Something else?"<quote/><p/>
K08 125 <p_><quote_>"Martyn. My mother, my father."<quote/> A long pause. 
K08 126 <quote_>"My family. Friends of my past, my present. It's the same 
K08 127 for everyone. For you as well."<quote/><p/>
K08 128 <p_><quote_>"Does Martyn know more? Has he met your parents, your 
K08 129 family?"<quote/><p/>
K08 130 <p_><quote_>"No. He asked me once. I told him to love me as though 
K08 131 he knew me. And if he could not - well, then ..."<quote/><p/>
K08 132 <p_><quote_>"Who are you?"<quote/><p/>
K08 133 <p_><quote_>"Do you have to ask? Oh well, it's simple. My mother's 
K08 134 name is Elizabeth Hunter. She is the second wife of Wilbur Hunter, 
K08 135 the writer. She lives happily with Wilbur on the West Coast of 
K08 136 America. I haven't seen her for two years. This causes me no pain, 
K08 137 nor, I believe, does it distress her. We write occasionally. I 
K08 138 phone at Christmas, Easter and birthdays. My father was a diplomat. 
K08 139 I travelled a great deal as a child. I went to school in Sussex, 
K08 140 spent my holidays anywhere and everywhere. I was not upset when my 
K08 141 parents divorced. My father, though apparently distressed at the 
K08 142 time of my mother's affair with Wilbur, recovered sufficiently to 
K08 143 marry a 35-year-old widow with two children. They have since 
K08 144 produced a daughter, Amelia. I visit them occasionally in 
K08 145 Devon."<quote/><p/>
K08 146 <p_><quote_>"Were you an only child?"<quote/><p/>
K08 147 <p_><quote_>"No."<quote/><p/>
K08 148 <p_>I waited.<p/>
K08 149 <p_><quote_>"I had a brother. Aston. He committed suicide by 
K08 150 slashing his wrists and throat in the bathroom of our apartment in 
K08 151 Rome. No chance of misinterpretation. It was not a cry for help. No 
K08 152 one knew why at the time. I shall tell you. He suffered from an 
K08 153 unrequited love of me. I tried to soothe him with my 
K08 154 body..."<quote/> she paused, then continued in staccato, 
K08 155 <quote_>"his pain, my foolishness ... our confusion... He killed 
K08 156 himself. Understandably. That is my story, simply told. Please do 
K08 157 not ask again. I have told you in order to issue a warning. I have 
K08 158 been damaged. Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can 
K08 159 survive."<quote/><p/>
K08 160 <p_>For a long time we were silent.<p/>
K08 161 <p_><quote_>"Why did you say 'understandably' Aston killed 
K08 162 himself?"<quote/><p/>
K08 163 <p_><quote_>"Because I understand. I carry that knowledge within 
K08 164 me. It is not a treasure that I jealously guard. Simply a story I 
K08 165 did not wish to tell, about a boy you have never known."<quote/><p/>
K08 166 <p_><quote_>"That makes you dangerous?"<quote/><p/>
K08 167 <p_><quote_>"All damaged people are dangerous. Survival makes them 
K08 168 so."<quote/><p/>
K08 169 <p_><quote_>"Why?"<quote/><p/>
K08 170 <p_><quote_>"Because they have not pity. They know that others can 
K08 171 survive, as they did."<quote/><p/>
K08 172 <p_><quote_>"But you have warned me."<quote/><p/>
K08 173 <p_><quote_>"Yes."<quote/><p/>
K08 174 <p_><quote_>"Was that not an act of pity?"<quote/><p/>
K08 175 <p_><quote_>"No. You have gone so far down the road that all 
K08 176 warnings are now useless. I will feel better for having told you. 
K08 177 Though the timing is wrong."<quote/><p/>
K08 178 <p_><quote_>"And Martyn?"<quote/><p/>
K08 179 <p_><quote_>"Martyn does not need a warning."<quote/><p/>
K08 180 <p_><quote_>"Why not?"<quote/><p/>
K08 181 <p_><quote_>"Because Martyn asks no questions. He is content with 
K08 182 me. He allows me my secrets."<quote/><p/>
K08 183 <p_><quote_>"And if he found out the truth?"<quote/><p/>
K08 184 <p_><quote_>"What truth?"<quote/><p/>
K08 185 <p_><quote_>"You and I."<quote/><p/>
K08 186 <p_><quote_>"That truth. There are other truths."<quote/><p/>
K08 187 <p_><quote_>"You seem to ascribe to Martyn qualities of 
K08 188 self<?_>-<?/>sufficiency and maturity I have not 
K08 189 noticed."<quote/><p/>
K08 190 <p_><quote_>"No. You haven't noticed."<quote/><p/>
K08 191 <p_><quote_>"And if you are wrong about him?"<quote/><p/>
K08 192 <p_><quote_>"That would be a tragedy."<quote/><p/>
K08 193 <p_>Of her body I have little to say. It was simply essential. I 
K08 194 could not bear the absence of it. Pleasure was an incidental. I 
K08 195 threw myself on her, as on to the earth. I forced all parts of her 
K08 196 to feed my need and watched her grow larger and more powerful, the 
K08 197 more she provided. Hungry, I would hold her at a distance by hair 
K08 198 or breast, sick with anger that I could have what I wanted.<p/>
K08 199 <p_>And round every meeting with her spun a ribbon of certainty 
K08 200 that my life had already ended. It had ended in the split second of 
K08 201 my first sight of her.<p/>
K08 202 <p_>It was time out of life. Like an acid it ran through all the 
K08 203 years behind me, burning and destroying.<p/>
K08 204 <h|>THIRTEEN
K08 205 <p_>I HAD OPENED A DOOR to a secret vault. Its treasures were 
K08 206 immense. Its price would be terrible. I knew all the defences I had 
K08 207 built so carefully - wife, children, home, vocation - were ramparts 
K08 208 built on sand. With no knowledge of any other path I had made my 
K08 209 journey through the years, seeking and clinging to landmarks of 
K08 210 normality.<p/>
K08 211 <p_>Did I always know of this secret room? Was my sin basically one 
K08 212 of untruthfulness? Or, more likely, one of cowardice? But the liar 
K08 213 knows the truth. The coward knows his fear and runs away.<p/>
K08 214 <p_>And if I had not met Anna? Ah, what providence for those who 
K08 215 suffered such devastation at my hand!<p/>
K08 216 <p_>But I did meet Anna. And I had to, and I did open the door, and 
K08 217 enter my own secret vault. I wanted my time on earth, now that I 
K08 218 had heard the song that sings from head to toe; and known the 
K08 219 wildness that whirls the dancers past the gaze of shocked 
K08 220 onlookers; had fallen deeper and deeper and had soared higher and 
K08 221 higher, into a single reality - the dazzling explosion into 
K08 222 self.<p/>
K08 223 <p_>What lies are impossible? What trust is so precious? What 
K08 224 responsibility is so great that it could deny this single chance in 
K08 225 eternity to exist? Alas for me, and for all who knew me, the answer 
K08 226 was ... none.<p/>
K08 227 <p_>To be brought into being by another, as I was by Anna, leads to 
K08 228 strange, unthought-of needs. Breathing became more difficult 
K08 229 without her. I literally felt I was being born. And because birth 
K08 230 is always violent, I never looked for, nor ever found, 
K08 231 gentleness.<p/>
K08 232 <p_>The outer reaches of our being are arrived at through violence. 
K08 233 Pain turns into ecstasy.
K08 234 
K09   1 <#FLOB:K09\><p_><quote_>"That's a good one,"<quote/> Jed said. 
K09   2 <quote_>"That's the first time I've heard that one."<quote/> And 
K09   3 his top teeth glistened and his mouth turned down at the corners. 
K09   4 While the smile lasted, he looked exactly like his car. Nathan 
K09   5 pictured dead flies spattered on his teeth. <p/>
K09   6 <p_><quote_>"So what is it?"<quote/> he asked.<p/>
K09   7 <p_><quote_>"It's a date,"<quote/> Jed said.<p/>
K09   8 <p_><quote_>"The date of what?"<quote/><p/>
K09   9 <p_>Jed leaned back in Dad' s red chair. He made them wait. 
K09  10 <quote_>"The date I killed someone,"<quote/> he said.<p/>
K09  11 <p_><quote|>"Yeah?" Nathan didn't believe it. But then he thought 
K09  12 back, all the way back to the shark run, the SUICIDE/YOU FIRST 
K09  13 T-shirt, that sense of contamination, and then later, Central 
K09  14 Avenue, his vision of the jacket lined with needles, and suddenly 
K09  15 he did believe it.<p/>
K09  16 <p_><quote_>"Anyone we know?"<quote/> Georgia asked.<p/>
K09  17 <p_>Jed ignored her. <quote_>"You remember I told you I did a job 
K09  18 for a guy called Creed?"<quote/><p/>
K09  19 <p_>Nathan nodded.<p/>
K09  20 <p_><quote_>"Well, that was the job."<quote/> Jed reached for 
K09  21 another beer. A snap, a hiss. <quote_>"All that stuff with the Womb 
K09  22 Boys, that was just practice for the real thing. I didn't know it 
K09  23 at the time, but it was."<quote/> He stared at the can and then put 
K09  24 it down. <quote_>"I had to do things working for Creed, anyone who 
K09  25 got close to him, they had to do things, that's what Creed was 
K09  26 like. I had to do things and then,"<quote/> and he looked up and 
K09  27 suddenly his eyes looked too pale, almost blind, <quote_>"and 
K09  28 then,"<quote/> he said, <quote_>"I had to leave."<quote/> He took 
K09  29 his hat off, turned it in his hands.<p/>
K09  30 <p_>Nathan glanced at Georgia. Georgia shrugged. Nathan looked at 
K09  31 Jed again.<p/>
K09  32 <p_>Without his hat on, Jed looked curiously mutilated, raw, no 
K09  33 longer whole, The hat seemed such a part of him, almost like a hand 
K09  34 or a smile. His pale-brown hair lay flat and lifeless against his 
K09  35 skull. A red line crossed his forehead horizontally as if the 
K09  36 removal of the hat had been an operation and had left a scar. <p/>
K09  37 <p_>For a while nobody spoke.<p/>
K09  38 <p_>It was during this silence that Nathan heard a creak. He 
K09  39 thought he recognised the sound. It had come from the hallway, it 
K09  40 was one of the last six stairs. He looked round and saw the tail of 
K09  41 the door handle begin to lift. The door had always been hard to 
K09  42 open, ever since Dad had painted the leading edge. Even now, years 
K09  43 afterwards, it often stuck. The crack it made as it was pushed from 
K09  44 the other side made everybody jump.<p/>
K09  45 <p_>The door opened and Yvonne stood in the gap. She had thrown a 
K09  46 coat over her nightgown. Her copper hair lifted away from her head 
K09  47 on one side where she had slept on it. She clutched her metal box 
K09  48 of garlic in her hand. To keep the devils on their toes.<p/>
K09  49 <p_><quote_>"I heard a voice."<quote/><p/>
K09  50 <p_>She was staring at the red chair, and at Jed, because he was 
K09  51 sitting in it. <p/>
K09  52 <p_><quote_>"I thought it was him. I thought he was calling 
K09  53 me."<quote/><p/>
K09  54 <p_>Nathan stood up and walked towards her. <quote_>"Sorry, if we 
K09  55 woke you, Yvonne."<quote/><p/>
K09  56 <p_>Yvonne looked to him. <quote_>"What time is it?"<quote/><p/>
K09  57 <p_><quote_>"Four-thirty,"<quote/> Georgia said.<p/>
K09  58 <p_>Yvonne nodded to herself.<p/>
K09  59 <p_>Nathan put his hand on her elbow. <quote_>"Come on, 
K09  60 Yvonne,"<quote/> he said. <quote_>"I'll take you back to 
K09  61 bed."<quote/><p/>
K09  62 <p_>At the top of the stairs she stopped and turned to him. 
K09  63 <quote_>"It wasn't him,"<quote/> she said.<p/>
K09  64 <p_><quote_>"No."<quote/><p/>
K09  65 <p_>She gripped his arm. <quote_>"But who was it?"<quote/><p/>
K09  66 <p_><quote_>"Just a friend."<quote/><p/>
K09  67 <p_>He helped her back into bed and drew the covers over her. She 
K09  68 lay on her back, her eyes wide as a child's.<p/>
K09  69 <p_><quote_>"I painted him a picture,"<quote/> she whispered.<p/>
K09  70 <p_><quote_>"I know."<quote/><p/>
K09  71 <p_><quote_>"You think he would've liked it?"<quote/><p/>
K09  72 <p_><quote_>"Of course he would."<quote/> He kissed her on the 
K09  73 cheek. <quote_>"Now you go to sleep."<quote/><p/>
K09  74 <p_>Back in the lounge Jed was still sitting in front of the TV. 
K09  75 Nathan sat down next to Jed, but found he couldn't concentrate. Jed 
K09  76 kept scratching himself. First the side of his neck, then an ankle, 
K09  77 then his stomach. It was as if his whole body itched, but not all 
K09  78 at the same time. Nathan couldn't help watching. And as he watched 
K09  79 he began to imagine the tiny flakes of dead skin building up around 
K09  80 the legs of Dad's chair. He stared at the piece of floor where the 
K09  81 chair stood and saw the flakes of skin piling up like snow, and 
K09  82 then drifting.<p/>
K09  83 <p_>And suddenly he couldn't watch any more. He had to say 
K09  84 something. <quote|>"Jed?" he said. <quote_>"You seen 
K09  85 Georgia?"<quote/><p/>
K09  86 <p_>Jed didn't look away from the TV. <quote_>"I think she went 
K09  87 outside."<quote/><p/>
K09  88 <p_>Out on the terrace birds were beginning to call from the trees, 
K09  89 hinges on the door that would soon let morning in. Georgia was 
K09  90 sitting on the steps, one leg drawn up against her chest, her cheek 
K09  91 resting sideways on her knee. Only the fingers of her right hand 
K09  92 moved, twisting the chunks of her amber necklace. The pool trickled 
K09  93 and dripped behind her.<p/>
K09  94 <p_><quote_>"How's Yvonne?"<quote_>she asked.<p/>
K09  95 <p_><quote_>"She's all right."<quote/><p/>
K09  96 <p_><quote_>"Her hearing his voice like that,"<quote/> and she 
K09  97 shuddered.<p/>
K09  98 <p_>He sat down beside her. <quote_>"It was only us. She was half 
K09  99 asleep and all mixed up. She'll have forgotten by 
K09 100 morning."<quote/><p/>
K09 101 <p_>It was still dark in the garden, but dawn had spilled across 
K09 102 the sky like acid. It dripped down into the trees, eating night 
K09 103 from between the branches. The hedge was no longer the silhouette 
K09 104 it had been an hour before; hundreds of individual leaves stood 
K09 105 out. When you had been up all night, dawn was like a magic trick: 
K09 106 even though you knew what was coming, it still managed to surprise 
K09 107 you. It was sinister too: you realised just how slowly the world 
K09 108 turned, how slowly and relentlessly; you realised there was no 
K09 109 escaping it.<p/>
K09 110 <p_>Georgia broke the pool's surface with a racing dive. He saw her 
K09 111 rise again, her black hair shining, tight against her skull. He 
K09 112 looked back towards the house. There was a white face framed in the 
K09 113 lounge window. It was Jed, he realised. But not before he'd gone 
K09 114 cold. Dad used to stand like that. Stand at the window, looking out 
K09 115 into the garden. Then he used to tap on the glass. He couldn't 
K09 116 shout. He had to save his voice, his breath. He couldn't open the 
K09 117 door either and come out. The air itself was dangerous. Too humid, 
K09 118 too moist, It collected in his windpipe like moss, it blocked his 
K09 119 narrow lungs. Nathan always thought it looked as if Dad was 
K09 120 trapped, as if he wanted to get out, but couldn't. Or he was dead 
K09 121 already, under glass. Once, when Dad tapped on the window, Nathan 
K09 122 had shouted, <quote_>"Do you HAVE to do that?"<quote/> And then, 
K09 123 when Dad had looked at him, wounded, he hadn't been able to explain 
K09 124 why he was angry.<p/>
K09 125 <p_>The sudden sound of flung beads. But it was just the water 
K09 126 spilling off Georgia's body as she climbed out of the pool. She 
K09 127 stood beside him, wrapped in a thick towel, her hands bunched under 
K09 128 her chin. <quote_>"I just remembered. He said he killed 
K09 129 someone."<quote/><p/>
K09 130 <p_>Nathan smiled up at her. <quote_>"It was probably just the coke 
K09 131 talking."<quote/><p/>
K09 132 <p_>Jed was folded up in the red chair when they went in. One hand 
K09 133 supporting his cheek, asleep. The TV was still on. A cartoon 
K09 134 chipmunk danced across the lenses of his glasses.<p/>
K09 135 <p_>Georgia tilted her head sideways, read the numbers on his 
K09 136 wrist. <quote_>"You're probably right. It's probably just some 
K09 137 phone number."<quote/> She yawned. <quote_>"I'm going to 
K09 138 bed."<quote/> She kissed Nathan on the cheek. <quote_>"I'll see you 
K09 139 in the morning."<quote/> She laughed. <quote_>"I mean, 
K09 140 afternoon."<quote/><p/>
K09 141 <p_>He waited till she'd left the room, then he looked down at Jed 
K09 142 again. The early morning light caught on Jed's skin like torn 
K09 143 fingernails on wool. He touched Jed on the shoulder.<p/>
K09 144 <p_>Jed's eyes slid open. <quote_>"What's up?"<quote/><p/>
K09 145 <p_><quote_>"You did kill someone,"<quote/> Nathan said, 
K09 146 <quote_>"didn't you?<quote/><p/>
K09 147 <p_>The laughter sifted out of Jed's nostrils. <quote_>"Where am I 
K09 148 sleeping?"<quote/> he said.<p/>
K09 149 <h_><p_>AND SPRING CAME FOR EVER<p/><h/>
K09 150 <p_>He shouldn't have talked so much.<p/>
K09 151 <p_>The lights turned red and Jed was so angry, he stamped on the 
K09 152 brake much harder than he needed to. His bald tyres screeched on 
K09 153 the hot asphalt. A woman almost toppled off her gold high-heeled 
K09 154 sandals. She was wearing a T-shirt that said I CAME TO MOON BEACH 
K09 155 AND LIVED.<p/>
K09 156 <p_>BUT ONLY JUST, Jed thought, through gritted teeth. BUT ONLY 
K09 157 JUST.<p/>
K09 158 <p_>It was Monday morning. The sun cut down through the sky like a 
K09 159 guillotine. He could still feel all that beer and cocaine behind 
K09 160 his eyes, he could still feel them in his blood, like grit. His 
K09 161 skin didn't seem to fit this morning. He should've known better. He 
K09 162 had to keep his eyes clear, his blood pure.<p/>
K09 163 <p_>He drove down the promenade and parked close to the Ocean 
K09 164 Caf<*_>e-acute<*/>. This was where he was supposed to be meeting 
K09 165 Carol. He was early. He sat behind the wheel, the radio murmuring. 
K09 166 He watched people in bright clothes flash by like parts of a 
K09 167 headache. Friday night. OK, so he'd talked too much. But really, 
K09 168 who was going to remember? Nathan and that sister of his, they were 
K09 169 both so trashed, he doubted they'd remember anything. And even if 
K09 170 they did, what of it? Stories about murder and tattoos and gangs, 
K09 171 who'd believe stories like that, specially in cold daylight.<p/>
K09 172 <p_>He leaned back in his seat, tucked a piece of candy into his 
K09 173 cheek, sucked on it thoughtfully. Stories were his ticket to 
K09 174 places. they always had been. Now they'd taken him to Blenheim. The 
K09 175 word brought a smile to his face. Say there actually were vultures 
K09 176 on his tail. They'd never dream of looking in Blenheim. It just 
K09 177 wasn't him. It wasn't anything like him. He'd really landed on his 
K09 178 feet this time.<p/>
K09 179 <p_>He celebrated by putting 50 cents in the parking meter when he 
K09 180 got out of the car. It always amused him to obey small laws.<p/>
K09 181 <p_>Nathan slept badly. All night the sheets felt rough against his 
K09 182 body, and when morning came the glare seemed to reach through his 
K09 183 eyelids with metal instruments. In a dream he saw Jed at the bottom 
K09 184 of the garden, a wheelbarrow beside him. He was shovelling his dead 
K09 185 skin on to the bonfire. He was burning the dead parts of 
K09 186 himself.<p/>
K09 187 <p_>When Nathan woke he went straight to the window, expecting Jed 
K09 188 to be standing below, a spade in his hands. But there was only 
K09 189 bright sunlight and green grass. He rubbed his eyes. His skin 
K09 190 stretched taut and thin across his face, the tail-end of all that 
K09 191 cocaine rattling like a ghost train through his blood. It was 
K09 192 Monday. He looked at the clock. It was almost eleven.<p/>
K09 193 <p_>In the kitchen he found the one person he had been trying to 
K09 194 avoid: Harriet. She was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee 
K09 195 and a cigarette.<p/>
K09 196 <p_><quote_>"There you are,"<quote/> she said.<p/>
K09 197 <p_>She had the face of a witch that morning. A shield of black 
K09 198 hair and skin like candlewax. Her two front teeth were crossed 
K09 199 swords in her mouth. He could no longer believe what had happened 
K09 200 on the day of the funeral.<p/>
K09 201 <p_><quote_>"I'd like a word with you,"<quote/> she said.<p/>
K09 202 <p_>He poured himself some coffee. <quote_>"What about?"<quote/> He 
K09 203 kept his hand steady, his voice even.<p/>
K09 204 <p_>She glanced at the ceiling. Yvonne was moving about upstairs. 
K09 205 <quote_>"In the dining-room,"<quote/> she said. <quote_>"I don't 
K09 206 want us to be disturbed."<quote/><p/>
K09 207 <p_>In the dining-room she lit another cigarette and stood by the 
K09 208 fireplace. All the furniture had been sold. There was nowhere to 
K09 209 sit.<p/>
K09 210 <p_><quote_>"That person who's staying,"<quote/> she said, 
K09 211 <quote_>"who is he?"<quote/><p/>
K09 212 <p_><quote_>"He's a friend."<quote/><p/>
K09 213 <p_><quote_>"A friend."<quote/> She gave the word some extra 
K09 214 weight.<p/>
K09 215 <p_>He knew what she was implying, but he didn't rise to it.<p/>
K09 216 <p_><quote_>"This,"<quote/> and she paused, <quote_>"friend, how 
K09 217 long is he staying?"<quote/><p/>
K09 218 <p_><quote_>"I don't know."<quote/><p/>
K09 219 <p_><quote_>"I want him out of here."<quote/> She held her right 
K09 220 elbow in the palm of her left hand and stared at him, her lit 
K09 221 cigarette aimed at him and burning, like a third eye.<p/>
K09 222 
K09 223 
K10   1 <#FLOB:K10\>And then the butterfly curator from the zoo came in 
K10   2 with a big net, caught up all the beauties and took them somewhere 
K10   3 warm and snug for Peregrine had their welfare at heart. All was 
K10   4 uproar and commotion but we pressed forward for our kisses.<p/>
K10   5 <p_><quote_>"Floradora! You haven't changed one bit!"<quote/><p/>
K10   6 <p_>I was about to say him nay, draw his attention to the 
K10   7 crow's-feet, the grey hairs and turkey wobblers but I saw by the 
K10   8 look in his eye that he meant what he said, that he really, truly 
K10   9 loved us and so he saw no difference; he saw the girls we always 
K10  10 would be under the scrawny, wizened carapace that time had forced 
K10  11 on us for, although promiscuous, he was also faithful, and, where 
K10  12 he loved, he never altered, nor saw any alteration. And then I 
K10  13 wondered, was I built the same way, too? Did I see the soul of the 
K10  14 one I loved when I saw Perry, not his body? And was his fleshy 
K10  15 envelope, perhaps, in reality in much the same sorry shape as those 
K10  16 of his nieces outside the magic circle of my desire?<p/>
K10  17 <p_>But when I registered I'd used those words, <quote_>"my 
K10  18 desire"<quote/>, I stopped thinking in that direction <tf_>toot 
K10  19 sweet<tf/>. I'd properly shocked myself and I had to knock off 
K10  20 another glass of champagne to cool myself while Nora came in for 
K10  21 her share of hugs and kisses and then Daisy Duck, and all the rest, 
K10  22 because not since the Change had yours truly felt such a sudden 
K10  23 rush of blood in that department, down there.<p/>
K10  24 <p_>Saskia was standoffish and turned the cold shoulder. Imogen 
K10  25 tried to slip away but was impeded by her headgear so he grabbed 
K10  26 hold of her and gave her such a hug the goldfish slopped out of the 
K10  27 bowl and she went down on her knees in a puddle to pick it up 
K10  28 again, it was slippery as soap and gave them a fine chase all over 
K10  29 the dancefloor while the camera crews and the photographers and the 
K10  30 reporters didn't know where to turn next, so much grief, joy, 
K10  31 resentment and pursuit was going on, while the multitude babbled 
K10  32 and got in the way until suddenly Peregrine caught sight of a 
K10  33 certain heavily veiled figure tucked away behind a pillar and 
K10  34 stopped short with the gasping goldfish in his hand.<p/>
K10  35 <p_><quote_>"It isn't ..."<quote/> he said.<p/>
K10  36 <p_><quote_>"Put it back in!"<quote/> urged Imogen, kneeling at his 
K10  37 feet. Perry absently dropped the fish back in the bowl and a hush 
K10  38 spread in ever-increasing circles over the crowd until there was 
K10  39 perfect silence. All eyes were focused on the invisible Lady A. Her 
K10  40 fingers clenched and unclenched on the arms of the wheelchair. She 
K10  41 pushed herself backwards, as if she were trying to roll offstage 
K10  42 back into the wings, where nobody could see her, but she banged 
K10  43 against the wall because there was nowhere to go except here.<p/>
K10  44 <p_>Melchior, sensing that something was up, craned forward, 
K10  45 leaning heavily on Margarine, so he got a good view when Perry 
K10  46 plucked off the veil. Then came a bewildered pause. Melchior sank 
K10  47 back on his throne, again, with a puzzled look, quite grey with 
K10  48 exhaustion, although things were only just livening up. I don't 
K10  49 think he'd got the foggiest who the lady in the wheelchair was. You 
K10  50 could hear Margarine going:<quote_>"Who's that? Who's 
K10  51 that?"<quote/> But Saskia and Imogen backed off aghast, as well 
K10  52 they might.<p/>
K10  53 <p_>Perry said softly, <quote_>"Hi, there, bright eyes."<quote/><p/>
K10  54 <p_>The Lady A. said, <quote_>"Why! It's Peregrine!"<quote/> and 
K10  55 twinkled.<p/>
K10  56 <p_>He wheeled her round to face the crowd.<p/>
K10  57 <p_><quote_>"Ladies and gentlemen,"<quote/> he said, <quote_>"the 
K10  58 Lady Atalanta Hazard. The most beautiful woman of her 
K10  59 time."<quote/><p/>
K10  60 <p_>Suddenly she looked her old self again, but, due to her white 
K10  61 curls, even more like a sheep, to my way of thinking, but it would 
K10  62 seem that sheep are irresistible; everybody gasped. Perry led the 
K10  63 applause that followed. She scrabbled at her veil, as if 
K10  64 half<?_>-<?/>inclined to cover up again, but I could tell she was 
K10  65 pleased. Melchior gave a jump.<p/>
K10  66 <p_><quote|>"Attie!"<p/>
K10  67 <p_>So now all three Lady Hazards were together in one room and I 
K10  68 wondered if our mother's ghost was somewhere here, too, floating in 
K10  69 the smoky air above the cake, which was waving about, a bit, 
K10  70 because its arms were getting tired.<p/>
K10  71 <p_><quote_>"I've brought you something special, in my 
K10  72 trunk,"<quote/> said Peregrine to Melchior. <quote_>"Give us a 
K10  73 little light on the subject, if you please."<quote/> The little 
K10  74 pages dashed up and down relighting everything until the room was 
K10  75 brilliant.<p/>
K10  76 <p_>Perry must have tipped the baroque trumpets because they let 
K10  77 loose another fanfare as half a dozen stocky wee brown men in penis 
K10  78 sheaths and feathers, friends of Perry's from Brazil, evidently, 
K10  79 heaved in a cabin trunk covered with labels of hotels that had long 
K10  80 since ceased trading, shipping lines long since defunct, railways 
K10  81 long since torn up. They hauled it into the middle of the ballroom, 
K10  82 set it down on the parquet. Peregrine spat on his hands and rubbed, 
K10  83 strode boldly forth and first of all I thought: He's going to do a 
K10  84 conjuring trick, because he put on his conjuring manner that I 
K10  85 hadn't seen for years: <quote_>"Ladies and gentlemen, I have 
K10  86 nothing up my sleeve."<quote/> He was a sprightly walker. A 
K10  87 hundred? Never!<p/>
K10  88 <p_><quote_>"He's made a pact,"<quote/> said Nora in a whisper.<p/>
K10  89 <p_>He addressed Melchior. He gave as low a bow as his paunch 
K10  90 permitted.<p/>
K10  91 <p_><quote_>"Melchior, my dear brother,"<quote/> he said, 
K10  92 <quote_>"I give you ... the future of the Hazard 
K10  93 family."<quote/><p/>
K10  94 <p_>He lifted up the lid of the trunk.<p/>
K10  95 <p_><quote|>"If," he added, <quote_>"she'll have you."<quote/><p/>
K10  96 <p_>We had an intuition who it was.<p/>
K10  97 <p_>Out of that trunk stepped our little Tiff, as fresh as paint, 
K10  98 not a tad the worse for wear except her eyes were no longer those 
K10  99 of a dove, stabbed or whole, and she looked sound in mind and body 
K10 100 almost to a fault. She'd changed her clothes; she'd got on a pair 
K10 101 of overalls and those big boots, Doc Marten's, but she looked 
K10 102 lovelier than ever, enough to make you blink. Our Tiff as ever was, 
K10 103 our heart's delight.<p/>
K10 104 <p_>We were all tears and laughter. We skidded across that skating 
K10 105 rink of a floor on our ridiculous heels and held her as if we'd 
K10 106 never let her go while the baroque trumpets went on and on until I 
K10 107 thought: perhaps we've died and gone to heaven. But the first 
K10 108 paroxysm subsided and there we still were.<p/>
K10 109 <p_>I'll say this for Tristram's reflexes, he was down on his knees 
K10 110 in front of her in a flash, laughing and crying at the same time or 
K10 111 doing a fair simulacrum thereof.<p/>
K10 112 <p_><quote_>"I love you, Tiffany"<quote/> he said. <quote_>"Forgive 
K10 113 me."<quote/><p/>
K10 114 <p_>She started down at him as if sunk deep in thought, which I was 
K10 115 glad to see in itself - she'd never been one for reflection, 
K10 116 before. She wiped her nose with the back of her hand, she'd picked 
K10 117 up a dreadful cold, somewhere, though not at the bottom of the 
K10 118 river, as it turned out.<p/>
K10 119 <p_><quote_>"Fat chance,"<quote/> she announced at last.<p/>
K10 120 <p_>Tristram was stunned. He sat back on his heels.<p/>
K10 121 <p_><quote_>"But, Tiffany, I'll marry you!"<quote/><p/>
K10 122 <p_><quote_>"Not on your life, you bastard,"<quote/> she said, 
K10 123 right out in front of all those people. God, I was proud of her 
K10 124 that moment! <quote_>"Not after what you did to me in public. I 
K10 125 wouldn't marry you if you were the last man in the world. Marry 
K10 126 your auntie, instead."<quote/><p/>
K10 127 <p_>A palpable hit. Saskia turned white and dropped her glass. Poor 
K10 128 old Melchior was at sea, couldn't make head nor tail of <tf|>this 
K10 129 bit of cut and thrust, of course, but he was pierced to the heart 
K10 130 by the riveting sight of his son's rejection.<p/>
K10 131 <p_><quote_>"Oh, my dear,"<quote/> he murmured in that thick, rich, 
K10 132 vintage port voice. <quote_>"Take pity on him; have pity on your 
K10 133 own unborn child."<quote/><p/>
K10 134 <p_>I felt quite sorry for Melchior, having his grandchild given 
K10 135 and taken away before it was so much as born. He looked so pitiful, 
K10 136 and, after all, it <tf|>was his birthday, that Tiff might have 
K10 137 wavered but Tristram spoiled it all. He waxed histrionic.<p/>
K10 138 <p_><quote_>"My baby! Think of my baby!"<quote/> He tore his hair, 
K10 139 he gnashed his teeth.<p/>
K10 140 <p_><quote_>"Pull yourself together and be a man, or try 
K10 141 to,"<quote/> said Tiffany sharply.<quote_>"You've not got what to 
K10 142 takes to be a father. There's more to fathering than fucking, you 
K10 143 know."<quote/><p/>
K10 144 <p/>We each squeezed the hand we held, she squeezed back. I 
K10 145 thought, we'll teach the baby tap and ballet, when the time comes. 
K10 146 Then came another banging on the door.<p/>
K10 147 <p_><quote_>"That'll be my mum and dad,"<quote/> she announced 
K10 148 confidently. All the help was in the ballroom, now, transfixed by 
K10 149 all this real-life drama, nobody to let in the new arrivals, but a 
K10 150 splintering crash indicated that the locked front door posed no 
K10 151 problems to a ranked light-heavyweight. Tiff let off her parting 
K10 152 shot.<p/>
K10 153 <p_><quote_>"Not that your old man and mother aren't perfectly 
K10 154 welcome to take a peek at the baby when it's born but don't you 
K10 155 come sniffing around until you've dried off behind the ears, 
K10 156 Tristram."<quote/><p/>
K10 157 <p_>He was too stunned to get up off his knees as Bren and Leroy 
K10 158 stepped round him to embrace their daughter in a fusillade of 
K10 159 flashes. The lutes started up again, Lord Somebody or Other's Puff, 
K10 160 I think Perry slipped them a couple of quid. Quite like old times, 
K10 161 lights, music, action. There was a patter of applause as Tiff and 
K10 162 Bren and Leroy departed for their cab and were followed by no 
K10 163 photographers after Leroy sent one of them downstairs on his 
K10 164 ear.<p/>
K10 165 <p_>Perry said he found our little Tiff by chance, wandering in the 
K10 166 street the previous night, on his way from the airport; his taxi 
K10 167 nearly ran her over.<p/>
K10 168 <p_><quote_>"So I took her back with me to the Travellers' 
K10 169 Club"<quote/><p/>
K10 170 <p_><quote_>"Oh, Peregrine!"<quote/> I cried, struck by an awful 
K10 171 thought. <quote_>"You never!"<quote/><p/>
K10 172 <p_><quote_>"I most certainly did not,"<quote/> he huffed. 
K10 173 <quote_>"What a suggestion! There was a damsel in distress, if I 
K10 174 ever saw one."<quote/><p/>
K10 175 <p_>Tristram was crying on Saskia's shoulder. I could tell by the 
K10 176 look in his mother's eye she'd no love lost for Saskia, either, 
K10 177 even if they <tf|>had been best friends at Ro-de-o-do back in the 
K10 178 year dot. And here was bloody Saskia now, elbowing her out of her 
K10 179 big scene with her own son. Margarine blazed away with thwarted 
K10 180 mother love and snatched up a lump of cake, that had sunk down to 
K10 181 the ground out of sheer weariness, pulled off a candle that had 
K10 182 burned down to a stump, and pressed the cake into her son's 
K10 183 hand.<p/>
K10 184 <p_><quote_>"Eat something, my dear,"<quote/> she said. 
K10 185 <quote_>"Just a mouthful, to give you strength."<quote/><p/>
K10 186 <p_>There was a piercing screech and crumbs everywhere because 
K10 187 Saskia dashed the cake from Tristram's lips and collapsed in a fit 
K10 188 in the arms of her sister, who promptly commenced her celebrated 
K10 189 goldfish imitation again, her lips opened, her lips closed, oh! oh! 
K10 190 oh! but no sound came out. Perry, ever quick off the mark, seized 
K10 191 Imogen's goldfish bowl and dashed the water over Saskia, shocking 
K10 192 her out of her fit and into you never saw such a shimmy as she 
K10 193 shook that goldfish out of her vee-neck.<p/>
K10 194 <p_>Yes, she confessed, she <tf|>had slipped something into the 
K10 195 cake she'd baked with her own hands for her father's birthday, 
K10 196 though whether it would have made him rather ill or very ill or 
K10 197 finished him off altogether I never found out because now such a 
K10 198 hullabaloo broke out, lights, cameras, the wailing of that poor old 
K10 199 man, the recriminations of his wife, the exclamations of his son, 
K10 200 and everybody else putting their vocal tuppence ha'p'orth in as 
K10 201 well. Even Perry looked grave and as if he were to blame, stricken 
K10 202 with compunction, possibly for the first time in a century. He and 
K10 203 the Lady A. drew close together, the guilty parties, when Saskia 
K10 204 wailed to Melchior:<p/>
K10 205 <p_><quote_>"You never loved us!"<quote/><p/>
K10 206 <p_>It was high time that Saskia got wise. Remember Gorgeous George 
K10 207 on Brighton Pier long ago, and the punch line of his joke?
K10 208 
K11   1 <#FLOB:K11\><p_>Aubrey Taylor gave a lop-sided grin and said, 
K11   2 <quote_>"I suppose it is."<quote/><p/>
K11   3 <p_><quote_>"Try John Lehmann if you like. I don't suppose the 
K11   4 government will stick it on a poster as a morale 
K11   5 booster."<quote/><p/>
K11   6 <p_>Taylor flushed with pride. Actually I thought it was a pretty 
K11   7 rotten poem - portentous, disjointed and alliterative. I was about 
K11   8 to tell him as much when he glanced over my shoulder and said, 
K11   9 <quote_>"There's MacCready now."<quote/><p/>
K11  10 <p_>I looked round. MacCready, pushing his way through the pub, had 
K11  11 the physical presence of an actor playing a medieval baron. The 
K11  12 crowd parted for him.<p/>
K11  13 <p_><quote_>"Where have you been, Morgan? This Anglo-Saxon been 
K11  14 boring you, again?"<quote/> His freckled, boyish face beamed at me 
K11  15 as he pulled up a stool and undid his heavy, stained raincoat. From 
K11  16 the pockets he took out some of his pipe-cleaner animals, put them 
K11  17 on the bar and said <quote_>"So who's going to give me some money? 
K11  18 A shilling each."<quote/><p/>
K11  19 <p_>The animals had got squashed in his pocket. Delicately he 
K11  20 pulled them back into shape with his fleshy fingers.<p/>
K11  21 <p_><quote_>"A shilling?"<quote/> I said. <quote_>"That's bloody 
K11  22 outrageous."<quote/><p/>
K11  23 <p_><quote_>"But the beauty of these is that you can change them 
K11  24 later if you get bored of them. It's a new concept in sculpture. 
K11  25 There."<quote/><p/>
K11  26 <p_>He leaned back to look at them. The five animals stood in a 
K11  27 row, as though about to enter a pipe-cleaner ark. At the back was 
K11  28 the biggest and most elaborate: a giraffe made from perhaps twenty 
K11  29 pipe-cleaners, with an elaborately plaited neck and one of its back 
K11  30 legs wittily cocked like a dog. In front of that came an elephant 
K11  31 with a long, baroque trunk, and a snake that MacCready had arranged 
K11  32 so that it was slithering over the rim of an ashtray. Then there 
K11  33 was a monkey swinging from a branch, and at the front something 
K11  34 that I couldn't at first identify consisting of elegant swirls 
K11  35 topped by a strange horned head.<p/>
K11  36 <p_><quote_>"What's that one supposed to be?"<quote/> I asked.<p/>
K11  37 <p_><quote_>"A snail."<quote/><p/>
K11  38 <p_><quote_>"I'll give you ninepence for it,"<quote/>I said, and 
K11  39 counted out the coppers.<p/>
K11  40 <p_><quote_>"I always thought you were a man of taste and 
K11  41 refinement,"<quote/> said MacCready when he'd bought himself a 
K11  42 beer. <quote_>"Perhaps you'd like to start a collection. I do 
K11  43 commissions."<quote/><p/>
K11  44 <p_><quote_>"I thought you were going to do Morgan,"<quote/> put in 
K11  45 Aubrey Taylor, <quote_>"when you said you were looking for 
K11  46 him."<quote/> MacCready smiled condescendingly at him between gulps 
K11  47 of his beer, and encouraged by this Taylor ploughed on. 
K11  48 <quote_>"I've been meaning to ask you: where on earth do you get 
K11  49 all those pipe-cleaners from? Fell off the back of a lorry, I 
K11  50 suppose? I'm surprised the government still allows their 
K11  51 manufacture, with all that wire inside. They're taking away all the 
K11  52 park railings, you'd think they'd do something about pipe-cleaners, 
K11  53 wouldn't you?"<quote/><p/>
K11  54 <p_>MacCready suddenly slammed his glass down on the counter, stood 
K11  55 up and kicked his stool away. He was famous for his tantrums. The 
K11  56 drinkers along the bar stopped talking and turned to watch. For a 
K11  57 few moments he just stood there, red-faced and glaring at poor 
K11  58 Aubrey Taylor. Then he grabbed the giraffe off the counter and, 
K11  59 holding it up in front of Taylor's face, started pulling it apart 
K11  60 and refashioning it. The legs and body were yanked up over the 
K11  61 neck, so that the whole thing formed a kind of obscene tower. Then 
K11  62 the head was pulled apart into a bulbous knob, and two more 
K11  63 protuberances formed to hang where the haunches had been. The pub 
K11  64 looked on, fascinated.<p/>
K11  65 <p_><quote_>"What's that, MacCready?"<quote/> asked Taylor, 
K11  66 watching him nervously. <quote_>"What are you making?"<quote/><p/>
K11  67 <p_>MacCready furiously put the finishing touches, then shoved it 
K11  68 into Aubrey Taylor's hands. <quote_>"Winston's cock,"<quote/> he 
K11  69 yelled and stormed across the pub, stopped, came back, grabbed my 
K11  70 arm, and frogmarched me to the door.<p/>
K11  71 <p_><quote_>"Sorry about that,"<quote/> said MacCready cheerfully 
K11  72 when we were outside. <quote_>"Some of these Englishmen have no 
K11  73 manners."<quote/> He leant over me, breathing beery breath.<p/>
K11  74 <p_><quote_>"That's all right,"<quote/> I said, irritated with all 
K11  75 this Celtic camaraderie. I moved back towards the door of the 
K11  76 pub.<p/>
K11  77 <p_><quote|>"Wait." MacCready held my arm. <quote_>"I wanted to 
K11  78 talk to you about something. You speak languages, don't you? 
K11  79 Weren't you a foreign correspondent?"<quote/> I nodded. 
K11  80 <quote_>"Well, you might be able to help us then. We had an 
K11  81 intruder at our place a couple of nights ago. We think he might be 
K11  82 foreign. I thought you could talk to him, find out who he 
K11  83 is."<quote/><p/>
K11  84 <p_><quote_>"What kind of intruder?"<quote/><p/>
K11  85 <p_><quote_>"A boy, about sixteen or seventeen. Quite a pretty one, 
K11  86 a Jew."<quote/> He smiled lasciviously. MacCready liked trying to 
K11  87 shock people by pretending to be homosexual.<p/>
K11  88 <p_><quote_>"I suggest you take him along to the police. They'll 
K11  89 find out who he is."<quote/> I didn't want to get mixed up in 
K11  90 MacCready's capers.<p/>
K11  91 <p_><quote_>"For Christ's sake, Morgan, you're sounding like that 
K11  92 stupid Englishman. Why don't you come and have a look at him. He's 
K11  93 a mystery. He might be a parachutist, or a Russian aristocrat on 
K11  94 the run from Stalin."<quote/> He was still gripping my arm.<p/>
K11  95 <p_><quote_>"Where is he now, this boy?"<quote/><p/>
K11  96 <p_><quote_>"At the place where we're living, five minutes from 
K11  97 here. He doesn't seem to have anywhere else to go. In fact he seems 
K11  98 a bit confused."<quote/><p/>
K11  99 <p_><quote_>"All right then, but this had better not be some stupid 
K11 100 joke."<quote/><p/>
K11 101 <p_>We started walking up the street, MacCready still holding my 
K11 102 arm. By now I was quite curious to know what it was all about. I 
K11 103 was also interested to see what kind of a place MacCready lived in. 
K11 104 He had referred to <quote|>"we".<p/>
K11 105 <p_>As he said, it was only a few streets away, just north of 
K11 106 Oxford Street. A terrace of Georgian houses glowed in the evening 
K11 107 sun. The air raid was late tonight. In front of the houses stood a 
K11 108 row of To Let signs. Most of the windows were boarded up, the rich 
K11 109 owners having left for overseas or the country. I stopped for a 
K11 110 moment and looked at the terrace. There was something familiar 
K11 111 about it.<p/>
K11 112 <p_>MacCready and his friends, it turned out, were living in the 
K11 113 basement of one of the more dilapidated buildings. I was led down 
K11 114 some iron steps and into a low, dark basement with stone paving on 
K11 115 the floor. It extended quite far back and I could just make out at 
K11 116 the far end piles of old junk: wood, metal, some bits of plastic. 
K11 117 Perhaps these were the materials for MacCready's sculptures. Around 
K11 118 the walls were four or five mattresses, heaps of bedding, and an 
K11 119 old sofa with the stuffing coming out. In the middle of the room 
K11 120 was a table, at which sat a long-haired man, a woman who had once 
K11 121 been pointed out to me in the Belgravia as MacCready's 'model', and 
K11 122 the mysterious visitor.<p/>
K11 123 <p_><quote_>"This is Morgan,"<quote/> said MacCready. <quote_>"He's 
K11 124 going to talk to the boy. Go on then, Morgan: ask him something in 
K11 125 German."<quote/><p/>
K11 126 <p_>I had stopped dead still in the doorway, staring at the boy. 
K11 127 <quote_>"He's not German,"<quote/> I said. <quote_>"He's 
K11 128 Czech."<quote/><p/>
K11 129 <p_><quote_>"How can you ...?"<quote/> began the woman.<p/>
K11 130 <p_><quote_>"So you do know him?"<quote/> said MacCready.<p/>
K11 131 <p_>Through my amazement at seeing Antonin Treiber sitting in this 
K11 132 London basement, I registered MacCready's comment. It was a strange 
K11 133 thing to say.<p/>
K11 134 <p_>At that moment, the sirens started up.<p/>
K11 135 <h_><p_>III<p/>
K11 136 <p_>Stories Are There To Be Told<p/><h/>
K11 137 <p_>BEFORE THE WAR, I had been the <tf_>News Chronicle<tf/>'s 
K11 138 correspondent in Vienna. The paper had sent me there in February 
K11 139 1934, when Chancellor Dollfuss, under the guidance of Mussolini, 
K11 140 had turned on the Austrian socialists. I was there in July when a 
K11 141 group of Austrian Nazis occupied the Chancellory and murdered 
K11 142 Dollfuss. And over the next four years I watched as the 
K11 143 conservative and authoritarian Austrian leadership - with the 
K11 144 acquiescence of Italy, France and Britain - gradually surrendered 
K11 145 Austrian independence. I grew to hate the hypocrisy of those 
K11 146 smooth, aristocratic Austrian politicians for whom anything could 
K11 147 be glossed over by a 'gentleman's agreement' couched in suitably 
K11 148 elevated, diplomatic language. Then in March 1938, when Schuschnigg 
K11 149 made a last, small gesture towards Austrian autonomy, Hitler's 
K11 150 troops marched in and took over. A few weeks later, along with a 
K11 151 number of other British and French journalists, I was ordered 
K11 152 out.<p/>
K11 153 <p_>Back in London, during the nervous celebrations surrounding 
K11 154 Munich, I conceived a hatred for the British leadership as bitter 
K11 155 as that I had had for the Austrian, and for similar reasons. When 
K11 156 the war came, I presented myself for service - but aged forty, 
K11 157 overweight and with bad eyes, I was turned down. With my fluency in 
K11 158 German and knowledge of Austria, I had hoped and expected to be 
K11 159 approached for Intelligence work. But the call never came. With 
K11 160 hindsight it was easy to find reasons for this - my lower 
K11 161 middle-class origins, for example, or my membership in the late 
K11 162 twenties of the Independent Labour Party. I applied to the Ministry 
K11 163 of Information and was given a job, though not an important or 
K11 164 interesting one. I resented the fact that my considerable skills 
K11 165 and experience were being under-used in the war effort.<p/>
K11 166 <p_>One of my last acts before leaving Vienna was to help a Czech 
K11 167 journalist acquaintance, a Jew, obtain British visas for his son 
K11 168 and brother. Another instance of my squeamishness. Josef Treiber, 
K11 169 an aloof man who found it distasteful to ask me for help, was 
K11 170 convinced that Hitler was encouraging agitation by the Sudeten 
K11 171 Germans in order to establish a pretext for the invasion of the 
K11 172 whole of Czechoslovakia. He was also convinced that Jews in a 
K11 173 German-controlled Czechoslovakia would be no safer than they were 
K11 174 in Germany itself. His wife insisted on staying with him 
K11 175 throughout, but Treiber was determined to get his only son and his 
K11 176 elder brother away to safety. I arranged meetings with an official 
K11 177 I knew at the British Embassy in Vienna and wrote to Peter 
K11 178 Musgrave, a pro-Zionist Conservative MP who had interceded in 
K11 179 similar cases in the past. I didn't hold out much hope for Treiber, 
K11 180 because the embassy official had told me privately that the 
K11 181 government feared an anti-Semitic backlash in Britain and was 
K11 182 ordering its embassies to reduce the number of visas they granted. 
K11 183 In addition, the security services had warned that the Germans 
K11 184 could use Jewish emigration as a means of smuggling spies into the 
K11 185 country. But Musgrave's influence must have helped, because the 
K11 186 next thing I heard, once I was back in England, was that the uncle 
K11 187 and nephew had got their visas and were being housed, along with a 
K11 188 number of other Czech refugees, in Musgrave's mansion in Sussex.<p/>
K11 189 <p_>I visited them there in the spring of 1939. The boy, Antonin, I 
K11 190 had never seen before, and the uncle I had met just once, in a 
K11 191 caf<*_>e-acute<*/> in Vienna. Stefan Treiber was even more distant 
K11 192 and difficult to fathom than his brother. He was fifty-five, but 
K11 193 looked and moved more like a man ten years older. According to 
K11 194 Josef, he had been a successful businessman in Germany, but in 1933 
K11 195 had been in a train accident in which he himself had been injured 
K11 196 and a number of those around him killed. He had never recovered 
K11 197 from this experience, and Josef had had to take over his affairs 
K11 198 and sell his business. Stefan had never married. He was tall, with 
K11 199 a stooped back and thinning grey hair. He didn't look in the least 
K11 200 Jewish. He spoke excellent German and English, and told me at 
K11 201 length, as we sat together in the chilly gloom of a servants' 
K11 202 pantry, of the kindness he and his nephew had received since 
K11 203 arriving in England, and of the beauty of the English countryside. 
K11 204 But his flat voice told me that he was uninterested in what he was 
K11 205 saying, that he was performing a duty and couldn't be bothered to 
K11 206 disguise the fact. All the time, the boy gazed solemnly at us. He 
K11 207 seemed to be hanging on our every word, though when I asked him 
K11 208 questions in English and German, he didn't appear to understand 
K11 209 either.<p/>
K11 210 <p_>That was the last I saw of the Treiber uncle and nephew.
K11 211 
K12   1 <#FLOB:K12\><p_><quote_>"All right, Frankie. But this is personal 
K12   2 information. It's not for use in the courts. It's just for me. Why 
K12   3 did you fall out with my brother?"<quote/><p/>
K12   4 <p_><quote_>"What brother?"<quote/><p/>
K12   5 <p_><quote|>"Scott."<p/>
K12   6 <p_><quote_>"Who the hell's Scott? Ah don't know your 
K12   7 brother."<quote/><p/>
K12   8 <p_>The troubled amazement in his eyes was not for denying. He was 
K12   9 having a bad day and he didn't know where it came from. I told him 
K12  10 Gus McPhater's version of the incident in the Akimbo Arms.<p/>
K12  11 <p_><quote_>"Ah remember somethin' like that,"<quote/> he said. 
K12  12 <quote_>"Was that your brother? Jesus, he was wild. Runs in the 
K12  13 family, eh? But Ah never understood what it was supposed tae be 
K12  14 aboot. Ye no' ask him?"<quote/><p/>
K12  15 <p_><quote/>"He's dead."<quote/><p/>
K12  16 <p_>I thought I saw an infinitesimal relaxation on Frankie's 
K12  17 face.<p/>
K12  18 <p_><quote_>"What happened?"<quote/><p/>
K12  19 <p_>I told him.<p/>
K12  20 <p_><quote_>"Ah'm sorry. That's hellish. Ah'm sorry. Jack. But Ah 
K12  21 never knew what that was about. Ah think the fella was just drunk. 
K12  22 Picked on me. Maybe he didny like the suit Ah was wearin'. He 
K12  23 wouldny be the first."<quote/><p/>
K12  24 <p_>The way he used my first name confirmed my suspicions. False 
K12  25 intimacy is treachery's favourite weapon. Judas kisses. The best 
K12  26 way to knife a man is to embrace him as you do it. I decided I 
K12  27 didn't believe him. He knew what I needed to know and he was lying. 
K12  28 I felt my anger freeze me to the chair. I stared at Frankie. 
K12  29 Drinking his tea seemed to demand as much concentration as 
K12  30 threading a needle.<p/>
K12  31 <p_><quote|>"Frankie," I said. <quote_>"Tell me why Scott 
K12  32 quarrelled with you."<quote/><p/>
K12  33 <p_><quote_>"Ah wish Ah knew."<quote/><p/>
K12  34 <p_><quote_>"Frankie. Ah need to know."<quote/><p/>
K12  35 <p_><quote_>"What can Ah say?"<quote/><p/>
K12  36 <p_><quote_>"The fuckin' truth."<quote/><p/>
K12  37 <p_><quote_>"Come on. Ah can't tell ye what Ah don't 
K12  38 know."<quote/><p/>
K12  39 <p_>We will take our little deceits to the edge of the grave. We 
K12  40 will trivialise even death. Frankie White was staring the ulitmate 
K12  41 truth in the face and still he couldn't kick the habit of a 
K12  42 lifetime: lie to the police. My compassion for what was happening 
K12  43 in his life atrophied.<p/>
K12  44 <p_><quote|>"Frankie," I said. <quote_>"You're a petty crook. And 
K12  45 you're not very good at it. You're a fantasist and a liar and a 
K12  46 phoney. But you've got two things going for you. Just two. I 
K12  47 suppose they're what hold you together. You've never touted to the 
K12  48 polis. And if that woman Sarah's anything to go by, there are maybe 
K12  49 a couple of people who believe in you as a good man. Like your 
K12  50 mother. Your mother must think you're something special. What I'm 
K12  51 going to do. If you don't tell me what you know. I'm going to make 
K12  52 your name a bad smell everywhere. Not just in Glasgow. I know where 
K12  53 you're living now."<quote/> I told him his address in Kentish Town. 
K12  54 <quote_>"But before that. I'm going to go upstairs and tell your 
K12  55 mother things that'll destroy her faith in you."<quote/><p/>
K12  56 <p_>We both sat still in the room for a couple of minutes, 
K12  57 despising me. I thought of Pete Wells and knew I wouldn't have 
K12  58 liked to look in his eyes just now. I had threatened to make an 
K12  59 innocent old woman's dying miserable in order to get at her son.<p/>
K12  60 <p_><quote|>"Frankie," I said. <quote_>"I apologise. Of course, I 
K12  61 won't say anything to your mother. It would be like pissing on my 
K12  62 own mother's grave. I'm sorry. Forget if. Forget I 
K12  63 asked."<quote/><p/>
K12  64 <p_>Frankie finished his tea.<p/>
K12  65 <p_><quote_>"You know,"<quote/> he said. <quote_>"The last week or 
K12  66 so. Ah've had to look at maself in a different mirror. It's not 
K12  67 nice. All that woman's done for me. An' what did Ah give her back? 
K12  68 An' she still believes in me. It's probably all she's got to 
K12  69 believe in. If she stops believin' in that, she'll know that all 
K12  70 those years were wasted. In one way, Ah'm glad for her that she 
K12  71 hasn't been out the door for the past few months. She hasn't heard 
K12  72 what the village thinks o' me these days. May she never. That's 
K12  73 what your brother was talkin' about. Ah honestly didn't know that's 
K12  74 who he was. He was a stranger to me. But he knew me all right. And 
K12  75 he knew what had happened."<quote/><p/>
K12  76 <p_>He lifted his cigarettes from beside the fire and offered me 
K12  77 one. We lit up. I waited. He was talking to himself as much as to 
K12  78 me. A question would have been an intrusion.<p/>
K12  79 <p_><quote_>"Ah've been thinkin' all this week,"<quote/> he said. 
K12  80 <quote_>"Ah wish Ah wis more of a man. Not just for me. But for 
K12  81 her. Ah mean, there she is. She hasny cheated the world outa 
K12  82 tuppence change in the whole of her life. She could teach God 
K12  83 fairness. She came through the sorest times an' made them intae a 
K12  84 bed for me. An' whit does she get oot them? A fuckin' toe-rag for a 
K12  85 son. An' Ah've been thinkin'. Ah want to give her somethin' to hold 
K12  86 in her hand before she goes. Somethin' good. Some belief in me. 
K12  87 Just so that she can shut her eyes on a good feelin'. It's the 
K12  88 least she deserves. An' Ah've been wonderin' how Ah do 
K12  89 that."<quote/><p/>
K12  90 <p_>He looked across at me.<p/>
K12  91 <p_><quote_>"You're a respectable man,"<quote/> he said.<p/>
K12  92 <p_><quote_>"I think you could be confusing me with somebody else, 
K12  93 Frankie."<quote/><p/>
K12  94 <p_><quote_>"Come on. Jack. Jack Laidlaw. If you're not, ye 
K12  95 certainly look the part."<quote/><p/>
K12  96 <p_>I couldn't see where he was taking me.<p/>
K12  97 <p_><quote_>"Jack. Ah'm even callin' ye Jack. Just like old 
K12  98 friends. How about takin' that a stage further? Ah'll make a deal. 
K12  99 Ah'll tell ye what ye want to know. An' you do one thing for me. 
K12 100 You walk up that stair an' talk to ma mother an' be ma friend. Not 
K12 101 many people round here come about this house these days. Sarah is 
K12 102 it. For the rest, it might as well be a leper colony. At least 
K12 103 while Ah'm in the house. But if you went up there. An' ye sat a wee 
K12 104 while. An' ye told her what a good man Ah am an' how much ye 
K12 105 believe in me. That would be something, eh? See what Ah mean? Could 
K12 106 be like morphine for 'er. She'll float out in a dream. That's all 
K12 107 Ah'm askin'. Help me to give her somethin' nice she can cuddle to 
K12 108 herself till she gets tae sleep."<quote/><p/>
K12 109 <p_>He was finding it difficult to go on. But he did.<p/>
K12 110 <p_><quote_>"You see, you don't know her. But she's worth it. This 
K12 111 is a wumman that ..."<quote/><p/>
K12 112 <p_><quote|>"Frankie," I said. <quote_>"Don't waste your 
K12 113 breath."<quote/><p/>
K12 114 <p_>He looked saddened and hurt.<p/>
K12 115 <p_><quote_>"For that generation of working-class women,"<quote/> I 
K12 116 said, <quote_>"I'd burn down buildings. I know how much they gave 
K12 117 and the shit they got back. You don't have to convert a disciple. 
K12 118 Just tell me what to say an' Ah'm yer man."<quote/><p/>
K12 119 <p_>He smiled at me and I smiled back and we were a momentary 
K12 120 brotherhood - two reprobates who nevertheless understood the shared 
K12 121 goodness they had come from.<p/>
K12 122 <p_><quote_>"Ah'll leave the details up to you,"<quote/> he said. 
K12 123 <quote_>"Ah canny think of one thing in ma favour at the moment. 
K12 124 Ye'll se why when Ah tell ye. Your brother knew something that had 
K12 125 happened here in Thornbank three month<&|>sic! ago. He knew Ah was 
K12 126 involved in it. Don't ask me how he knew. Ah think he thought Ah 
K12 127 was more involved in it than Ah was. But Ah was involved all right. 
K12 128 An' he hated me for it. Ah couldny believe how much he hated me 
K12 129 that night."<quote/><p/>
K12 130 <p_>I remembered Gus McPhater's awe at Scott's anger. That small, 
K12 131 vicious altercation was about to clarify into meaning, like an 
K12 132 insect noise that is finally identified.<p/>
K12 133 <p_><quote_>"Dan Scoular's dead,"<quote/> Frankie said. He paused 
K12 134 as if he was still not fully used to the idea. <quote_>"The big 
K12 135 man's dead. You know who he was? He was as good as ye get. Your 
K12 136 brother knew he was dead. An' he blamed me for it."<quote/><p/>
K12 137 <p_>The name of Dan Scoular whispered a memory at me that I 
K12 138 couldn't quite catch. Scott had mentioned him to me more than once. 
K12 139 Something about how formidable he had been.<p/>
K12 140 <p_><quote_>"A bit of a puncher?"<quote/> I said. <quote_>"An 
K12 141 ex-miner?"<quote/><p/>
K12 142 <p_><quote_>"That's your man. You knew him?"<quote/><p/>
K12 143 <p_>I shook my head.<p/>
K12 144 <p_><quote_>"Well, what happened was. He was unemployed. An' Ah got 
K12 145 him into a bare-knuckle fight. Wi' Cutty Dawson."<quote/> I was 
K12 146 familiar with the name of the ex-heavyweight boxer. <quote_>"Dan 
K12 147 won. But they thought Cutty might be blinded. An' as a loser he got 
K12 148 no money. Big Dan wouldn't have that. So he's taking on the 
K12 149 promoters next."<quote/><p/>
K12 150 <p_><quote_>"Who set up the fight?"<quote/><p/>
K12 151 <p_><quote_>"Matt Mason and Cam Colvin. Dan was Matt's man. Cutty 
K12 152 was Cam's."<quote/><p/>
K12 153 <p_><quote_>"So what happened?"<quote/><p/>
K12 154 <p_><quote_>"Dan visits Cutty in hospital after the fight, finds 
K12 155 out the score. He goes back to Matt Mason's, knocks him out and 
K12 156 takes what he decides should be Cutty's wages. He delivers them to 
K12 157 him. Can ye imagine it? He robbed Matt Mason."<quote/><p/>
K12 158 <p_>Frankie was right to find it an amazing story. The headline 
K12 159 could have been: Gunfighter challenges the Eighth Army.<p/>
K12 160 <p_><quote_>"Then Dan came back here. Hide in plain sight, right 
K12 161 enough. Ah knew Ah was in the line of fire. Ah had it away to 
K12 162 London. But Ah tried to take Big Dan with me. Ah warned him what he 
K12 163 was mixed up in. You try to pick Matt's pocket, ye're goin' to 
K12 164 leave yer hand in there. But Ah felt responsible. Not for what Dan 
K12 165 did. Who could have imagined anybody would be as simple as that? 
K12 166 But for setting him up for the fight in the first place. Ah made 
K12 167 him the offer to come with me. Why didn't he take it?"<quote/><p/>
K12 168 <p_>He seemed genuinely puzzled. I recognised the old Frankie 
K12 169 White. Confronting a potentially transforming experience, he hadn't 
K12 170 really changed. I sometimes wonder if we ever do. Because his was a 
K12 171 portable self, a suitcase on which the labels will vary according 
K12 172 solely to personal need, he couldn't understand that a man might be 
K12 173 fixed to a place by factors beyond self-interest.<p/>
K12 174 <p_><quote_>"Thing is, Ah hear Cutty's sight's all right again. He 
K12 175 didn't go blind."<quote/><p/>
K12 176 <p_>He appeared to be saying that Dan Scoular's stand had been 
K12 177 pointless after all. I thought Frankie perhaps had his own problems 
K12 178 of vision. He couldn't see that the big man was presumably 
K12 179 protesting against the nature of things beyond the pragmatic.<p/>
K12 180 <p_><quote_>"How did Dan Scoular die?"<quote/><p/>
K12 181 <p_><quote_>"A hit-and-run driver. Dan kept up the joggin'. We used 
K12 182 to do that for his trainin'. He went out one mornin' an' never came 
K12 183 back. Seems he was found on the road. Ah mean, when ye think of it. 
K12 184 They never found who did it."<quote/> Frankie looked at me like a 
K12 185 small boy who wants to show his butterfly but is afraid you might 
K12 186 crush it. <quote_>"Ah mean. It really could've been an accident. 
K12 187 Couldn't it?"<quote/><p/>
K12 188 <p_><quote_>"Sure, Frankie,"<quote/> I said. <quote_>"And John F. 
K12 189 Kennedy shot himself."<quote/><p/>
K12 190 <p_><quote|>"Aye," Frankie said.<p/>
K12 191 <p_>We sat in our own thoughts. I was glad mine weren't 
K12 192 Frankie's.<p/>
K12 193 <p_><quote_>"He was married?"<quote/><p/>
K12 194 <p_><quote_>"Aye. Betty. Two boys."<quote/><p/>
K12 195 <p_><quote_>"They still live here?"<quote/><p/>
K12 196 <p_><quote_>"Three streets away."<quote/><p/>
K12 197 <p_><quote_>"Where exactly?"<quote/><p/>
K12 198 <p_>Frankie was staring at me.<p/>
K12 199 <p_><quote_>"You're no' goin' there?"<quote/><p/>
K12 200 <p_><quote_>"That was the idea."<quote/><p/>
K12 201 <p_><quote_>"Come on. What's the point of that?"<quote/><p/>
K12 202 <p_><quote_>"Frankie. There's things I need to know. I still don't 
K12 203 know what Scott had to do with all this. Do you?"<quote/><p/>
K12 204 <p_><quote_>"Not a clue."<quote/><p/>
K12 205 <p_><quote_>"Maybe Betty Scoular has."<quote/><p/>
K12 206 <p_><quote_>"Rather you than me,"<quote/> Frankie said. 
K12 207 <quote_>"Betty never liked me anyway. She's a smashin' big wumman, 
K12 208 right enough. But Ah'll admire her from a distance. Especially now. 
K12 209 Ah just hope she doesny know Ah'm here. Though Ah suppose she's 
K12 210 bound to. If thoughts could kill, they'd be buryin' me soon, not ma 
K12 211 mother."<quote/><p/>
K12 212 <p_>I asked him where she lived and he told me how to get there.<p/>
K12 213 <p_><quote_>"You've kept your bit of the bargain,"<quote/> I said. 
K12 214 <quote_>"You want me to speak to your mother?"<quote/><p/>
K12 215 <p_><quote_>"You don't mind?"<quote/><p/>
K12 216 <p_><quote_>"Why should I mind?"<quote/><p/>
K12 217 <p_><quote_>"Well, Ah suppose Ah'm askin' ye to lie."<quote/><p/>
K12 218 <p_><quote_>"I've only two rules about lying, Frankie,"<quote/> I 
K12 219 said. <quote_>"Never tell them to yourself, if you can help it.
K12 220 
K13   1 <#FLOB:K13\><p_>She made a movement of the head appropriate to 
K13   2 someone who doesn't demean herself by noticing someone else's 
K13   3 concern about whether he's on the same wavelength or not.<p/>
K13   4 <p_><quote_>"<tf|>Three old friends,"<quote/> I said.<p/>
K13   5 <p_><quote_>"Enough for your purpose?"<quote/> She smiled.<p/>
K13   6 <p_>Enough for my next biography, she meant. My first essay in the 
K13   7 <tf|>genre, published a little over six months ago, had met with 
K13   8 considerable success. She was right. I definitely ought to be 
K13   9 settling on the subject for my second - actually more desirably 
K13  10 from my point of view a subject in the plural, i.e. subjects; and 
K13  11 for my preference, a <tf|>circle of them.<p/>
K13  12 <p_>During a pause in the conversation I made a start on eating my 
K13  13 plateful of cold cherry soup. Randa was giving me lunch at The Gay 
K13  14 Hussar, a small Hungarian restaurant in Soho, first opened (I had 
K13  15 asked the manager) in 1954, and even now - we were in 1982 - still 
K13  16 keeping up a sort of reputation for left-wing chic, not totally 
K13  17 'In' but not totally 'Out'. Randa was very fond of their cold 
K13  18 cherry soup, especially on a warm summer's day: it was not for me 
K13  19 to say I was rather un-fond of it, for my taste a somewhat 
K13  20 wishy-washy red liquid. A dissentient view on my part was not the 
K13  21 thing. Why not? Because I had a hunch that her invitation sprang 
K13  22 from having it in mind to offer me something to my advantage.<p/>
K13  23 <p_>The Horsfall Circus as a subject for me - Was this that 
K13  24 something? Thinking that she had been Horsfall's lawyer for the 
K13  25 best part of his lifetime, and that Gotham was still with her, I 
K13  26 presumed that she must know what she was talking about.<p/>
K13  27 <p_>I kept my head down for a while, more to give myself a chance 
K13  28 to think than to concentrate on consuming this ruby-red liquid.<p/>
K13  29 <p_>My stock of ideas about the Horsfall Circus flurried through my 
K13  30 mind. A little group of men, from the same school somewhere on the 
K13  31 Welsh borders, who made a mark when they fetched up at Oxford, all 
K13  32 of fifty years ago. Their ringmaster, so designated by the <tf|>Eye 
K13  33 for his superlative combination of Celtic ambition and guile, was 
K13  34 Cledwyn Horsfall, famous economist, famous writer and finally 
K13  35 famous publicist - well, famous up to a point. He had died some 
K13  36 time in the New Year, leaving quite a large fortune. (The other two 
K13  37 old friends were very much alive.)<p/>
K13  38 <p_>The <tf|>Eye had made the occasion of Horsfall's death an 
K13  39 opportunity for reviving their scandalous account of Celtic 
K13  40 ambition and guile getting him into a top stratum  of the Honours 
K13  41 List under a previous Government - that notorious Resignation 
K13  42 Honours List, inscribed on a certain lady's shell-pink 
K13  43 writing-paper, which (so it was said) led the Queen, when she was 
K13  44 shown the List, to ask:<p/>
K13  45 <p_><quote_>"Are you <tf|>sure it's the Prime 
K13  46 Minister's?"<quote/><p/>
K13  47 <p_>It <tf|>was the Prime Minister's. Thereafter Horsfall, a big 
K13  48 rotund fellow singularly gifted with intelligence and <tf|>hwyl, 
K13  49 had been in a position to give full rein to that intelligence and 
K13  50 <tf|>hwyl from the eminence of the House of Lords.<p/>
K13  51 <p_>Randa was concentrating on her cold cherry soup. I exerted 
K13  52 myself to give the impression that I was doing likewise.<p/>
K13  53 <p_>I remembered scanning Horsfall's obituary in <tf_>The 
K13  54 Times<tf/> through interest in him as writer rather than as 
K13  55 economist or publicist. Unfortunately I hadn't studied it; so my 
K13  56 present knowledge of his career and its chronology was somewhat 
K13  57 patchy. The story was that while at Oxford he first sighted fame 
K13  58 and distinction for a major contribution he claimed to have made to 
K13  59 something called <tf_>The Beveridge Report<tf/>, which had come out 
K13  60 in the middle of the War, been turned into a couple of White Papers 
K13  61 towards the end of it, and then widely received with such acclaim 
K13  62 that the post-War Labour Government declared its intention of 
K13  63 implementing it. (A national health service was one of its 
K13  64 assumptions.)<p/>
K13  65 <p_>When the implementation of the Report was firmly under way, 
K13  66 Horsfall was thought to be an obvious man to be drawn into the 
K13  67 Civil Service to work on it. I hadn't noted which department he 
K13  68 went into; but from College gossip in my own time I knew that he 
K13  69 had ended up in an influential, if rather mysterious, post in the 
K13  70 Cabinet Office. So far so good.<p/>
K13  71 <p_>However, after a long and arduous - and successful - stint in 
K13  72 the Civil Service, Horsfall had caused no surprise by announcing 
K13  73 that he'd had enough. He wanted to return to academic life. The 
K13  74 College welcomed his return, of course. But it lasted for an 
K13  75 unexpectedly short time. In less than a year he'd been tempted back 
K13  76 to official life. By the offer of an appointment - what man of 
K13  77 ambition (or guile!) could have refused it?- as Economic Adviser to 
K13  78 the Prime Minister; housed in No 10 Downing Street.<p/>
K13  79 <p_>At No 10 Horsfall had stayed - apart from four years' tactful 
K13  80 retirement to Oxford while a different Government was in power - 
K13  81 till the next impressive step forward in his eventful history. 
K13  82 1976, and that Resignation Honours List. Reading the obituary I 
K13  83 couldn't help feeling that elevation must nevertheless have 
K13  84 foreshadowed an end to his effective life in high economics. In 
K13  85 1976 there was a new Prime Minister, for one thing. For another, 
K13  86 high economics was now in a state of high turmoil over the conflict 
K13  87 in theoretical circles between neo-Keynesianism and Friedmanite 
K13  88 monetarism. High economics was in a state of high turmoil and as a 
K13  89 consequence high politics as well. The new Prime Minister was said 
K13  90 to be moving towards monetarism. Horsfall was at heart a Keynesian. 
K13  91 <tf|>Ergo ... 1976 must have seen for him a summary switch from the 
K13  92 frenzied activity of No 10 to the subdued existing of the House of 
K13  93 Lords.<p/>
K13  94 <p_>In compensation, though, the subdued existing of the House of 
K13  95 Lords must have offered him prospects of time to devote to other 
K13  96 things. For Horsfall, I understood, there were plenty of other 
K13  97 things, well ahead of all of them being writing. Throughout the 
K13  98 length of his career, it seemed, he had sustained an overriding 
K13  99 desire to write novels - he had even published a first novel while 
K13 100 he was still completing his D Phil in Economics. That novel, at 
K13 101 least, I'd already read: it was about intrigues and conflicts, in a 
K13 102 small Welsh town, between Methodists (very powerful) and those whom 
K13 103 they called 'the big people' (also very powerful). I had liked it 
K13 104 well enough to read two or three more - I imagined, now, that I 
K13 105 could face reading the whole of his <tf|>oeuvre, if necessary. 
K13 106 Since his death I'd heard animated discussions among the other dons 
K13 107 at High Table about whether he was a major novelist - <tf|>he had 
K13 108 apparently thought he was. Needless to say <tf|>they didn't 
K13 109 concur!<p/>
K13 110 <p_>Lastly as a publicist. I'd noticed his activities as a public 
K13 111 figure reported with increasing frequency in the media - if only, I 
K13 112 thought now, I'd paid more attention! Independent, freelance 
K13 113 activities in the cause of world peace. I did remember having seen 
K13 114 him on television making a powerful speech in favour of what 
K13 115 amounted to universal d<*_>e-acute<*/>tente, and saying what he 
K13 116 himself was in the process of doing about it. (Quite impressive - 
K13 117 was there more to him than mere Celtic ambition and guile?) By the 
K13 118 time he died it was clear that had got himself an international 
K13 119 reputation.<p/>
K13 120 <p_>Plenty of work ahead of me if I took the assignment on. Plenty 
K13 121 of varied work, in much of which I should be starting form Square 
K13 122 1.<p/>
K13 123 <p_>Meanwhile not much more work was required of me on the cold 
K13 124 cherry soup - not many spoonsful still lay in my plate. I lifted my 
K13 125 head to find Randa watching me. Not that that was anything new: 
K13 126 Randa had been keeping an eye on me, in the metaphorical sense, for 
K13 127 years.<p/>
K13 128 <p_>The situation was this. Randa's firm, currently recognised as 
K13 129 the foremost libel lawyers in London, was called Goslett&Goslett; 
K13 130 and Randa (short for Miranda) and her sister, Jess (short for 
K13 131 Jessica), were two of its three senior partners. The third, their 
K13 132 matriarchal mother, Mabel, known as Mabsie, was the boss, 
K13 133 punctiliously given credit in public for ruling the firm, although 
K13 134 she didn't - Randa and Jess did. I was a cousin of Miranda and 
K13 135 Jessica, my paternal grandfather having married one of Mabsie's 
K13 136 sisters; so Randa and Jess were a generation older than me - they 
K13 137 were in their early fifties, I in my early thirties. Superficially 
K13 138 we were all on good terms with each other. <tf_>Au fond<tf/> I 
K13 139 never felt at ease with them. Randa's metaphorical keeping an eye 
K13 140 on me had consisted of recurrently taking steps since I was 
K13 141 adolescent to 'keep me in the family'. At that time I hadn't 
K13 142 understood why. It was when I was an undergraduate reading English 
K13 143 Literature that she started to ask my literary advice - free of 
K13 144 charge - on manuscripts of new books that had come in to be vetted 
K13 145 for libel. In return she was ready to vouchsafe me - free of charge 
K13 146 - her moral advice. Nowadays she was paying me for my professional 
K13 147 advice, of course; and in my opinion she was getting value for 
K13 148 money. I didn't know what she thought of my attitude towards her 
K13 149 moral advice: since I was getting it free of charge I didn't feel 
K13 150 any obligation to take it.<p/>
K13 151 <p_>Randa had finished her soup. While attacking the last of mine, 
K13 152 I reactivated the conversation.<p/>
K13 153 <p_><quote_>"The animosity of old friends ..."<quote/> I murmured 
K13 154 reflectively.<p/>
K13 155 <p_><quote_>"You <tf|>could find it rewarding."<quote/> Pause. 
K13 156 <quote_>"<tf|>Very rewarding."<quote/> Another pause. <quote_>"You 
K13 157 know? ..."<quote/><p/>
K13 158 <p_><quote_>"It's an intriguing thought ..."<quote/> I looked her 
K13 159 in the eye. <quote_>"As you act for two out of the three, <tf|>you 
K13 160 should know."<quote/><p/>
K13 161 <p_>Instantly Randa's eyelids half-closed. She lifted her shoulders 
K13 162 a little and said softly:<p/>
K13 163 <p_><quote_>"What can I say to that, James?"<quote/><p/>
K13 164 <p_>Professional discretion! A beautifully bogus spectacle. (Here I 
K13 165 must remark that as well as being clever and literate, Randa was a 
K13 166 beautiful woman.) I said facetiously: <quote_>"Randa, you're a 
K13 167 temptress!"<quote/><p/>
K13 168 <p_>Instantly her eyelids lifted again and her tone of voice 
K13 169 changed from the seductive to the imperative.<p/>
K13 170 <p_><quote_>"<tf|>No, James!"<quote/><p/>
K13 171 <p_>Randa was a strong feminist.<p/>
K13 172 <p_>Discovered as a male chauvinist, I dived my spoon into the last 
K13 173 ruby-red shallows. Unease in her presence was no excuse for such a 
K13 174 <tf|>gaffe; and protesting that I had not intended it would only 
K13 175 discover me in her eyes as the more abject a male chauvinist.<p/>
K13 176 <p_>Randa was the strongest feminist in my acquaintance, where she 
K13 177 was closely followed by Jess, with dear old Mabsie, as in most 
K13 178 other things, some distance behind both of them. In <tf_>Private 
K13 179 Eye<tf/> the firm of Goslett&Goslett was routinely referred to as 
K13 180 'the Virago Sisters' (not to be confused with the Virago Press, of 
K13 181 course), but that was the least of the <tf|>Eye's offences. 
K13 182 <quote_>"So-and-So firm of publishers,"<quote/> it would say, 
K13 183 <quote_>"are presently being mis-advised by the Virago 
K13 184 Sisters."<quote/> Routinely it cast its typical aspersions on their 
K13 185 competence: that passed. Then last year it had cast its typical 
K13 186 aspersions on their probity. That did not pass! Not for a moment. 
K13 187 The <tf|>Eye had had to pay up - out of court to the tune of 
K13 188 pounds20,000, it was rumoured.<p/>
K13 189 <p_><quote_>"<tf|>No, James!"<quote/> This time even more 
K13 190 emphatically if anything. <quote_>"Never let me hear you make that 
K13 191 kind of remark again!"<quote/><p/>
K13 192 <p_>I didn't lift my glance. Had she thought the temptress I had in 
K13 193 mind was Eve? Actually it was the third party in the Garden of Eden 
K13 194 ...<p/>
K13 195 <p_><quote|>"OK," I said. Refusing to give up the good fight for 
K13 196 undergraduate facetiousness, I added: <quote_>"If I make it to any 
K13 197 other woman, I'll try to be sure you're out of earshot."<quote/><p/>
K13 198 <p_>Randa made it clear that she didn't find the remark in the 
K13 199 least funny, which didn't surprise me. Even my relatively short 
K13 200 Life's Experience had taught me that people who were in the grip of 
K13 201 an 'ism' - Feminism, Monetarism, Communism, Leavisism, to name just 
K13 202 a few - never found jokes about it in the least funny. If they let 
K13 203 themselves laugh, I thought, the grip might slip? ...<p/>
K13 204 
K13 205 
K14   1 <#FLOB:K14\><p_>Incidentally (gentleman that he was) my brother had 
K14   2 never said a word to me about our friend's involvement with Diana. 
K14   3 I suppose he felt it to be beyond my comprehension when I was 
K14   4 younger and none of my business when I was older.<p/>
K14   5 <p_>I have said that we met <quote_>"on our own"<quote/>. In fact 
K14   6 we were surrounded by tens of thousands of people. By chance we 
K14   7 were pushed together. A glance, a recoil, a laugh, and a pleased 
K14   8 exchange of greetings inevitably followed.<p/>
K14   9 <p_>This was in Trafalgar Square, at a rally of the Campaign for 
K14  10 Nuclear Disarmament. I was there because I believed in campaigning 
K14  11 for nuclear disarmament. He was there because he had promised his 
K14  12 boss to attend the meeting and to report informally to him on 
K14  13 it.<p/>
K14  14 <p_>His boss, he told me over a cup of coffee some minutes later, 
K14  15 was the Minister of State - i.e. the Number Two - at the Home 
K14  16 Office.<p/>
K14  17 <p_><quote_>"You mean you're a <tf|>spy!"<quote/> I exclaimed, 
K14  18 aghast at what he had revealed, and yet at the same moment feeling 
K14  19 my participation in the rally to have been utterly vindicated. 
K14  20 <quote_>"You see!"<quote/> I might have said to him, but did not. 
K14  21 <quote_>"That's what we're up against!"<quote/><p/>
K14  22 <p_>He smiled. <quote_>"Not really a spy, no. I'm not going to 
K14  23 report on anyone in particular, I promise you. Not even on you. No, 
K14  24 old - was curious. He asked me to come along and tell him what I 
K14  25 thought about it all. 'Atmosphere' is what he wants from 
K14  26 me."<quote/><p/>
K14  27 <p_><quote_>"There must be two thousand policemen here. Can't they 
K14  28 give him all the information he needs?"<quote/><p/>
K14  29 <p_><quote_>"Yes, of course. But he wants something fancier. More 
K14  30 subtle. More sensitive. That's because he thinks of himself as such 
K14  31 a subtle and sensitive soul too. So ... me."<quote/> He pointed 
K14  32 with a thumb at his chest.<p/>
K14  33 <p_>Though he had spoken rapidly enough, his voice sounded 
K14  34 strained, careful, somehow rusty in timbre, as if it cost him more 
K14  35 of a physical effort to bring out his words than it did for most 
K14  36 other people. He was, after all, a foreigner by birth: I had never 
K14  37 fully realised this until that moment, until I had heard him claim 
K14  38 to work in the Home Office, of all ill-chosen places. The thought 
K14  39 occurred to me: he could be a spy not <tf|>for the Home Office but 
K14  40 <tf|>in it. He could be working for someone else. The Americans? 
K14  41 The Russians? The South Africans?<p/>
K14  42 <p_><quote_>"I honestly don't know if I should believe 
K14  43 you."<quote/><p/>
K14  44 <p_>His reply was no more than an ironic pursing of the lips and 
K14  45 something between a nod and shake of his head.<p/>
K14  46 <p_>For some reason this made me believe him. I too shook my head, 
K14  47 at myself rather than at him, dismissing (with a little regret) the 
K14  48 idea of his being a double-agent.<p/>
K14  49 <p_><quote_>"So what kind of report are you going to carry back to 
K14  50 him?"<quote/><p/>
K14  51 <p_><quote_>"I'll tell him what he knows anyway: that the people 
K14  52 here are mostly well-meaning, middle-class dupes, led by a smaller 
K14  53 band of dupes, some of whom are well-meaning and some of whom are 
K14  54 not."<quote/><p/>
K14  55 <p_><quote_>"Dupes? What do you mean, dupes? Whose dupes do you 
K14  56 think we are?"<quote/><p/>
K14  57 <p_><quote_>"Moscow's, ultimately."<quote/><p/>
K14  58 <p_><quote_>"You really believe that?"<quote/><p/>
K14  59 <p_><quote_>"Yes, I do."<quote/><p/>
K14  60 <p_><quote_>"Just because I don't want to be irradiated and 
K14  61 incinerated at the whim of some American president or general - 
K14  62 that makes me Moscow's dupe?"<quote/><p/>
K14  63 <p_><quote_>"Oh please!"<quote/> he said. <quote_>"I don't want to 
K14  64 be incinerated either. Nor do I want to lose the war we're already 
K14  65 fighting; the one we've found ourselves in."<quote/> He hesitated, 
K14  66 as if reluctant to go on; then took the plunge. <quote_>"People 
K14  67 aren't supposed to say that kind of thing, I know; but the hell 
K14  68 with it. We're finished if a real war breaks out, that's for sure. 
K14  69 But to surrender, to chuck our weapons away because we're so afraid 
K14  70 of a real, shooting war breaking out? That would be another way of 
K14  71 finishing ourselves off. What you and your friends - the 
K14  72 well-meaning ones - are doing is to make one of those things more 
K14  73 likely to happen; the latter especially. Your ill-meaning friends 
K14  74 know it, of course; that's why they're so keen on what you're 
K14  75 doing. And that's why the Russians support them so 
K14  76 eagerly."<quote/><p/>
K14  77 <p_><quote_>"Yeah-yeah. Them evil Commies coming to get 
K14  78 us."<quote/><p/>
K14  79 <p_><quote_>"That's just childishness. I'm not interested in 
K14  80 Commun<tf_>ists<tf/>, only in Commun<tf_>ism<tf/>. There is a 
K14  81 difference. People are pretty much the same everywhere - obviously. 
K14  82 The real issue is what their system permits them to do if they're 
K14  83 in positions of power, or what it compels them to do if they're 
K14  84 not. At bottom old - in the Home Office is the same human type as 
K14  85 his counterpart in the Kremlin: I have no doubt of it. Neither of 
K14  86 them would be sitting in his office if that weren't so. The same 
K14  87 would probably be true of their counterparts in Nazi Germany - let 
K14  88 alone the people at this demo compared with your average crowd in 
K14  89 Red Square, say. The difference between them lies in the systems 
K14  90 they live under, only there, nowhere else."<quote/><p/>
K14  91 <p_><quote_>"And what our system does in Vietnam isn't evil? Or in 
K14  92 South Africa? Or in the Argentine?"<quote/><p/>
K14  93 <p_><quote_>"Look, there might be a thousand things I loathe about 
K14  94 our side - right here in England, never mind what goes on in other 
K14  95 parts of the world. But there's nothing to love or admire or 
K14  96 believe to be of any human value whatever in the kind of Communism 
K14  97 that's in power in Russia and Eastern Europe. The entire apparatus 
K14  98 is based on nothing but lies and fear: not partially, mind you, as 
K14  99 any system is bound to be; but wholly, indivisibly. The result is 
K14 100 exactly what you'd expect. If there were peace in Vietnam tomorrow, 
K14 101 or if the South African blacks got the vote, or if the military had 
K14 102 been kicked out of the Argentine last week, we, us, the West, Nato, 
K14 103 etcetera, would actually be stronger than we are now. But if the 
K14 104 people of Poland or Czechoslovakia could go the way they wanted to 
K14 105 go, Communism would be finished. Dead. The Kremlin knows it, so do 
K14 106 the people in Eastern Europe. That's why the Russians are trying so 
K14 107 hard not to let them do it. And why the Kremlin values so much the 
K14 108 help that you people here are giving them."<quote/><p/>
K14 109 <p_>Ancient arguments, I admit; now settled pretty much in his 
K14 110 favour too, I must also admit; though he never lived to see it. At 
K14 111 the time I was greatly taken aback to hear such sentiments from an 
K14 112 old acquaintance, a friend of the family; a man who did not look or 
K14 113 talk like the parodic, reactionary dope I would have wished him to 
K14 114 be.<p/>
K14 115 <p_>We left the coffee-room in the National Gallery to which we had 
K14 116 retreated, and stood in the raised portico of the building, looking 
K14 117 down on the shabby, vainglorious square below, and on the throngs 
K14 118 of people now beginning to disperse from it. The speakers' platform 
K14 119 had been built up in front of the plinth of Nelson's Column, 
K14 120 between the attendant lions; it still bristled with loudspeakers 
K14 121 and was bedraped with banners, but was now silent and deserted. It 
K14 122 looked all the more dramatic, somehow, for having just been 
K14 123 abandoned. A multitude of banners and posters, red and white, black 
K14 124 and white, moved sluggishly above the demonstrators who held them; 
K14 125 some fluttered, yawned, tilted, collapsed suddenly as they were 
K14 126 lowered and furled. At ever corner people were streaming away; with 
K14 127 each pace they took they seemed visibly to transform themselves 
K14 128 from a shifting, drifting, collective entity into so many disparate 
K14 129 individuals, under the clouded sky. There was only one segment of 
K14 130 blue above the dusky roof-line of buildings to the west: it was as 
K14 131 if the world breathed through that blue space, so serene and empty 
K14 132 it looked. On one side it was edged with a smouldering ruddiness; 
K14 133 there the entire cloud would eventually ignite. Watching the crowd 
K14 134 make off, I was filled with pride at having been one of their 
K14 135 number. It was indistinguishable, this pride, from the conviction 
K14 136 of being utterly ignorant of what was going to happen to me and 
K14 137 caring not at all what that might turn out to be. The feeling was 
K14 138 so intense I could only feel sorry for anyone who did not share 
K14 139 it.<p/>
K14 140 <p_>Him, for instance. This man, met by chance, who had been a 
K14 141 figure of awe in my childhood, and whom I now saw to be nothing 
K14 142 more than a plump, solitary person entering middle<?_>-<?/>age (to 
K14 143 my eyes, at least), wearing his weekend sports jacket and 
K14 144 open-necked shirt. Once again, glancing at him, with his 
K14 145 grand-sounding and yet underhand reason for being there, I wondered 
K14 146 if he was nothing more than an idle fantasist. It was easy enough 
K14 147 to feel sorry for him, anyway: for being old, for looking forlorn, 
K14 148 for not being one of us, for cherishing such backward political 
K14 149 views.<p/>
K14 150 <p_><quote_>"I don't suppose there's any chance I'll find my 
K14 151 friends again,"<quote/> I said, looking at the people so full of 
K14 152 movement; the buildings so hard and inert; the skies so 
K14 153 indifferent.<p/>
K14 154 <p_><quote_>"I'm sorry I took you from them."<quote/><p/>
K14 155 <p_><quote_>"No - no - it doesn't matter."<quote/><p/>
K14 156 <p_>Anyway, shortly afterwards I did find them. There they were, on 
K14 157 the pavement below us: Andy among them - Andy who was and sometimes 
K14 158 was not my boyfriend in those days. Looking at him in the throng I 
K14 159 thought: he would stand out anywhere. Even his skin, let alone his 
K14 160 tousled hair and pale brown eyes, seemed to me to shine with golden 
K14 161 glints. Like the others, he was a fellow-student of mine at 
K14 162 Edinburgh University. We had come down together for the 
K14 163 demonstration; among them I was the foreigner, for they were all 
K14 164 Scots.<p/>
K14 165 <p_>I introduced them to my mature friend. I was longing to tell 
K14 166 them what he was doing there - partly to discomfit him, partly in 
K14 167 order to impress them - but restrained myself from doing so. Then 
K14 168 off he went. When they asked me who he was, this chap I had sloped 
K14 169 off with, I answered, <quote_>"Oh, nobody. An old friend of my 
K14 170 brother's."<quote/><p/>
K14 171 <p_>Still, I wrote him a letter a few days later. I addressed it to 
K14 172 him care of the Home Office, Whitehall, London SW1. If he had been 
K14 173 telling me the truth, it would find him there; if he had not, he 
K14 174 did not deserve to get my letter anyway.<p/>
K14 175 <p_>The letter was an attempt to make up for what had later seemed 
K14 176 to me my cowardly silence in the face of the attack he had made on 
K14 177 me and my fellow-demonstrators. Also an attempt, of course, to make 
K14 178 him take notice of me; to make him see what a serious and 
K14 179 thoughtful young person I was. I wrote that I did not want him to 
K14 180 think I was simply following the crowd in supporting unilateral 
K14 181 disarmament. Nor was I foolishly optimistic, as he seemed to think, 
K14 182 about human beings and how they behaved. Nor was it that talking 
K14 183 about incineration and radiation gave me an illicit, unadmitted 
K14 184 thrill, as it certainly did to some of the people at the 
K14 185 demonstration, both in the audience and on the platform. Nothing of 
K14 186 the kind.<p/>
K14 187 <p_>It was the thought of the last war, the one that had ended 
K14 188 years before I had been born, that had made a unilateralist of me. 
K14 189 And it was not even my feelings about the direct suffering it had 
K14 190 caused - the devastation of Europe, the destruction of the Jews, 
K14 191 the slaughters in Russia and China and Japan, the bombs falling 
K14 192 around the house in which I had grown up - that had bewildered me 
K14 193 as a child, and bewildered me still. It was, rather, the belief 
K14 194 that all of it had been preventable. None of it, not the sufferings 
K14 195 of one mutilated soldier or murdered civilian, had been inevitable. 
K14 196 None of it needed to have happened. Hitler and Mussolini could have 
K14 197 been stopped long before. The Japanese too. If different decisions 
K14 198 had been taken at this stage and at that, in this place and in 
K14 199 that; if different conclusions had been drawn from events and 
K14 200 spoken words; if - ! if - ! if - !<p/>
K14 201 
K15   1 <#FLOB:K15\>Well, she'd soon put this one right. It was amazing 
K15   2 what a little extra soul could do to a marriage.<p/>
K15   3 <p_>A single light burned in a tall office block in Victoria. In 
K15   4 the luxuriously appointed suite leased by Wiseman and Partners 
K15   5 (Chartered Accountants), there was a last-minute panic to complete 
K15   6 the annual accounts of a prestigious client. Mr Wiseman, now the 
K15   7 revered senior partner, had asked a fresh-faced articled clerk to 
K15   8 stay on and help him.<p/>
K15   9 <p_><quote_>"I'd be most appreciative Ronald,"<quote/> he'd said. 
K15  10 <quote_>"You see, it's my daughter's birthday and we're having a 
K15  11 slight - er - family do. And I'd like to get home as soon as 
K15  12 possible."<quote/><p/>
K15  13 <p_><quote_>"Of course sir,"<quote/> had been the obliging 
K15  14 response. Ronald was ambitious - and anyway he had rather a crush 
K15  15 on Clive Wiseman. He'd always had a soft spot for older men, had 
K15  16 Ronald.<p/>
K15  17 <p_>And so when the angel flew in, exhausted from her earnest 
K15  18 do-gooding, her quarry was seated at his desk, deep in the profit 
K15  19 and loss figures of Smith & Son Ltd.<p/>
K15  20 <p_><quote_>"What is it?"<quote/> he asked absent-mindedly. 
K15  21 <quote_>"A soul? Free? You mean I'd owe you nothing? Go ahead then, 
K15  22 quickly. I have to get home."<quote/><p/>
K15  23 <p_>That was easy. A cinch. The angel was hugely relieved - and in 
K15  24 a flush of euphoria she offered a soul to young Ronald as well. 
K15  25 What the hell. And Ronald, eager as always for the main chance, 
K15  26 accepted with alacrity.<p/>
K15  27 <p_>And the angel flew off, rather pleased with herself. She turned 
K15  28 back for a last look at two satisfied customers thinking there's 
K15  29 nothing in the world like making a good sale when ... oh dear. This 
K15  30 was not what she'd planned. Not at all. She didn't even know such 
K15  31 things were possible. What was she to do?<p/>
K15  32 <p_>For the four souls and two bodies of the respected accountant 
K15  33 and his fresh-faced clerk were no longer focused on money matters. 
K15  34 They'd locked together amongst the ledgers, clung passionately to 
K15  35 one another between a multitude of sheets and bills and, balanced 
K15  36 precariously atop piles of books, they swore eternal devotion.<p/>
K15  37 <p_>Shocked beyond measure, the angel watched as Clive repaired to 
K15  38 the Gents to - collect himself for the evening ahead. He looked at 
K15  39 his watch anxiously. Gosh, he was terribly late and his mother was 
K15  40 coming. Well, she'd have to wait a few minutes longer. When a man 
K15  41 had to go ...<p/>
K15  42 <p_>Ten minutes later, she watched him emerge with an exalted 
K15  43 smile.<p/>
K15  44 <p_><quote_>"Ronald my dear fellow,"<quote/> he was saying, 
K15  45 <quote_>"this is a momentous occasion. I've just achieved a 
K15  46 lifelong ambition. At last, at long long last, I managed to produce 
K15  47 a natural and perfectly formed motion. Ronald, tonight I am a happy 
K15  48 man."<quote/><p/>
K15  49 <p_><quote_>"I don't get it - and I don't like it. Not one 
K15  50 bit,"<quote/> whispered the angel as she prepared for take-off and 
K15  51 wondered how it would feel to fall and fall and fall.<p/>
K15  52 <p_>Vanessa's birthday dinner was a disaster from start to finish. 
K15  53 Bee burnt the lokshen pudding. Then Mia phoned to say Mum wasn't 
K15  54 well and they were waiting for the doctor. Then Clive called to 
K15  55 announce he'd be late. Then the birthday girl barricaded herself in 
K15  56 her bedroom and refused to come out and I had to contend with 
K15  57 Bernice's mounting irritation (the child is completely without 
K15  58 gratitude, she kept saying) and Eli's sinking blood sugar (he'd 
K15  59 developed diabetes).<p/>
K15  60 <p_>Then Mia called again to say that Mum seemed worse and there 
K15  61 was still no sign of the doctor.<p/>
K15  62 <p_>Then Clive: <quote_>"I'm ready to leave the office now Gabby 
K15  63 darling. The work took much longer than I expected."<quote/><p/>
K15  64 <p_>Me: <quote_>"Fine, fine. Come as soon as you can."<quote/> Why 
K15  65 had he suddenly called me darling?<p/>
K15  66 <p_>Mia again: <quote_>"The doctor's finally here. Mum seems to be 
K15  67 unconscious. Oh, Gabby. It's awful."<quote/><p/>
K15  68 <p_>Me: <quote_>"I don't know what to say ... ring me again when 
K15  69 the doctor says what's wrong."<quote/><p/>
K15  70 <p_>Bernice: <quote_>"What's happening? What's going on? Where's 
K15  71 Clive? He's never been this late before. Do you think we ought to 
K15  72 notify the police?"<quote/><p/>
K15  73 <p_>Me: <quote_>"No, no, Bee. He's on his way. He told me 
K15  74 so."<quote/><p/>
K15  75 <p_>At last, at last, the sound of the key in the door. Never have 
K15  76 I been so happy to see him. He seemed happy too. Unusually 
K15  77 happy.<p/>
K15  78 <p_>But the moment of contentment came and went. Clive went 
K15  79 upstairs to deal (unsuccessfully) with his rebellious daughter. Mia 
K15  80 phoned for the fourth time to say that Mum had been medicated and 
K15  81 the doctor would return in the morning. <quote_>"He thinks she's 
K15  82 had a stroke,"<quote/> she sobbed.<p/>
K15  83 <p_><quote_>"Don't cry Mims,"<quote/> I said, feeling helpless. 
K15  84 <quote_>"People do recover from strokes you know."<quote/><p/>
K15  85 <p_>And I put down the phone and burst into tears. And Clive ate 
K15  86 supper with his parents. And Vanessa went to sleep.<p/>
K15  87 <p_>A few days later another framed quotation appeared beside the 
K15  88 hallowed words of Hippocrates on the lavatory wall. This time it 
K15  89 was taken from the Song of Solomon: <quote_>"My beloved put in his 
K15  90 hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for 
K15  91 him."<quote/><p/>
K15  92 <p_>I didn't quite understand it and was about to ask Clive what it 
K15  93 meant. But then Mum became worse and was taken to hospital and 
K15  94 Vanessa took it into her head to leave home and - well, Solomon's 
K15  95 song on our lavatory wall seemed somewhat irrelevant. Especially 
K15  96 after I'd answered the phone to Mia's hysterical voice late one 
K15  97 night about a week later. Clive was working overtime again.<p/>
K15  98 <p_><quote|>"Gabby," she was saying, <quote_>"I've just had a call 
K15  99 from the hospital. Mum's dying. We'd better get there 
K15 100 fast."<quote/><p/>
K15 101 <h|>16
K15 102 <p_><quote_>"Miss Marks? Is that Miss Mia Marks?"<quote/> A voice 
K15 103 that never slept. It waited, cool and businesslike and ever alert, 
K15 104 to bring bad news into the dark of night. I'd heard the telephone 
K15 105 and dreamt it was a dream but it rang and rang relentlessly and I 
K15 106 knew and woke and, heart pounding, lifted the receiver to let out 
K15 107 the voice. There was no stopping the messenger of death.<p/>
K15 108 <p_><quote_>"Yes, it's me."<quote/><p/>
K15 109 <p_><quote_>"This is the sister speaking. Your mother seems to have 
K15 110 taken a turn for the worse. We - don't think she has long to - 
K15 111 live. Perhaps you'd better come here - as soon as you 
K15 112 can."<quote/><p/>
K15 113 <p_><quote_>"Oh - yes - I will. Thank you."<quote/><p/>
K15 114 <p_>I'd thanked her. She'd tinkled a death bell in my ear and I'd 
K15 115 said thank you. Ever, ever grateful Mia - to the man who'd deserted 
K15 116 her because he'd shown her paradise, to the world that was taking 
K15 117 her son because it was giving him belief, to the mother who'd done 
K15 118 nothing - for being there. But not for long, the brisk voice in the 
K15 119 night had said. Not for long. Thank you. Thank you so much for 
K15 120 telling me, sister.<p/>
K15 121 <p_><quote_>"You don't have to thank me,"<quote/> she might have 
K15 122 said. <quote_>"Isn't this what a sister is for - to tell you the 
K15 123 things that you'd rather not hear?"<quote/><p/>
K15 124 <p_>Was that it? If so my sister Gabriella had been slipping of 
K15 125 late. She'd almost stopped telling me anything, and I suppose I'd 
K15 126 done the same. But now I'd have to fulfil my duty. Would she rather 
K15 127 not hear? Would she care? Would the self-consciously sociable and 
K15 128 stylishly unconscious Mrs Wiseman mind that her mother was drawing 
K15 129 her final breaths? I hardly knew any more.<p/>
K15 130 <p_><quote_>"Gabby, it's Mum. She's dying. We'd better get there 
K15 131 fast."<quote/><p/>
K15 132 <p_><quote_>"I'm coming Mims. I'll meet you at the 
K15 133 hospital."<quote/><p/>
K15 134 <p_>She minded. She wiped away a tear as we stood on either side of 
K15 135 the bed looking down on the wraithlike figure of the woman who'd 
K15 136 borne us. With the sister, we'd walked quietly through grey shapes 
K15 137 and deep groans in the darkened ward to a far corner where her bed 
K15 138 was curtained like a shroud. White light blanched the last touch of 
K15 139 colour from a face that had always looked faded. Her pale eyes were 
K15 140 open but seemed to see nothing.<p/>
K15 141 <p_><quote_>"We've done all we can. Her breathing's very weak. The 
K15 142 doctor said there's nothing more ..."<quote/><p/>
K15 143 <p_>I touched the sister's arm. <quote_>"It's OK,"<quote/> I 
K15 144 whispered (why was <tf|>I comforting <tf|>her?) <quote_>"Can you 
K15 145 leave us with her - for a while?"<quote/><p/>
K15 146 <p_>She slipped out soundlessly and Gabby moved round the bed and 
K15 147 we watched over her side by side, hand in hand. Breathing together 
K15 148 and waiting for each breath of hers.<p/>
K15 149 <p_><quote|>"Mum," I said, <quote_>"Mum, it's us. Mia and 
K15 150 Gabby."<quote/> I put a tentative hand on her cheek, stroked it 
K15 151 gently, afraid that her flesh would crumble at my touch. It looked 
K15 152 as though it had been carved out of fine white powder.<p/>
K15 153 <p_><quote|>"Mum," said Gabby in a little voice. A small lost 
K15 154 child. <quote_>"Mum, don't die, I don't want you to die."<quote/> 
K15 155 She pulled me towards her, burying her head in my shoulder and 
K15 156 crying, and I suddenly saw that my mother's eyes were shut.<p/>
K15 157 <p_><quote|>"Gabs." We held our breath. But hers continued. In ... 
K15 158 out ... in ... out. She seemed to be sleeping. Perhaps she'd get 
K15 159 better. Maybe she'd live. <quote_>"I'll call sister."<quote/><p/>
K15 160 <p_><quote_>"No, wait."<quote/> Gabby held me back. <quote|>"Look." 
K15 161 Mum's eyes were opening. She was frowning, trying to lift her head, 
K15 162 gazing intently at me as though she were about to say something. We 
K15 163 waited, afraid to breathe, to move. But the words wouldn't come and 
K15 164 her frown went away and a shadow seemed to cross her face as she 
K15 165 surrendered to her final helplessness.<p/>
K15 166 <p_><quote_>"What - d'you think she was trying to say?"<quote/> 
K15 167 asked Gabby, holding on to me, trembling at this soundless snuffing 
K15 168 of a life. Already Mum had joined the past tense.<p/>
K15 169 <p_><quote_>"I don't know,"<quote/> I said, looking at my mother 
K15 170 now resting in her last-ever bed. <quote_>"Perhaps she was wanting 
K15 171 a piece of toast."<quote/><p/>
K15 172 <p_>There was a small shocked silence. Then my sister flung her 
K15 173 arms round me and we laughed and cried and our tears splashed over 
K15 174 our poor dead mother who would never ask me for the thinnest slice 
K15 175 of anything again.<p/>
K15 176 <p_><quote_>"It was the end,"<quote/> I said, sitting at the edge 
K15 177 of his bed as dawn broke on my first motherless day. I hadn't 
K15 178 slept. All the things I'd never said to her ran through my head. 
K15 179 The truths I'd never told her, those I'd never demanded from her. 
K15 180 Why? Why?<p/>
K15 181 <p_><quote|>"Joseph," I told my son, averting my head to hide the 
K15 182 ravages of my grief, protecting him as ever and suddenly sad about 
K15 183 the truths I'd hidden from him, <quote_>"your grandma is 
K15 184 dead."<quote/><p/>
K15 185 <p_>He took my hand and held it and his seemed solid and strong. 
K15 186 Not a boy's hand any more. <quote_>"I'm sorry Mum. I'm so terribly 
K15 187 sorry."<quote/><p/>
K15 188 <p_>Rays of morning light slid in between the curtains and under 
K15 189 the door and melted together and the room that had once been 
K15 190 Gabriella's was no longer dark. But Joseph and I didn't move. I 
K15 191 wanted to stay there for ever, sitting at the edge of his bed with 
K15 192 my hand in his.<p/>
K15 193 <p_><quote_>"Do you remember?"<quote/> I wanted to ask, <quote_>"do 
K15 194 you remember the day we came here to live with Grandma? Do you 
K15 195 remember - before? Do you remember Utopia?"<quote/><p/>
K15 196 <p_>But of course he didn't. How could he? He'd arrived in my arms, 
K15 197 four months old, with his world in the soft warm neck and breasts 
K15 198 of his mother. I'd been his Utopia and he'd been my memory, his 
K15 199 navy-blue eyes my memento. That night, that first night of the rest 
K15 200 of my life when I'd brought my Joseph to Hendon, I'd sat alongside 
K15 201 his small crib and mourned the drabness of the life I was offering 
K15 202 him. Streets that were ever treeless, an arid house devoid of 
K15 203 cheer. Such emptiness.<p/>
K15 204 <p_><quote_>"I'll make it up to you my darling Joseph,"<quote/> I 
K15 205 promised my son. <quote_>"I'll make you a multicoloured dreamcoat 
K15 206 even finer than the one worn by your namesake in the Bible. I'll 
K15 207 cut it out of the rainbow, weave into it the richest legends I can 
K15 208 find, the most fantastic fairy-tales, knights in search of truth 
K15 209 and honour, glorious stories of love and conquest. It will be my 
K15 210 gift to you, my favourite, one and only son."<quote/><p/>
K15 211 <p_>And there, in the very room that had once been Gabriella's, I'd 
K15 212 drawn close to Joseph night after night after month after year and 
K15 213 wrapped him in dreams of every imaginable hue.
K15 214 
K16   1 <#FLOB:K16\><p_>He feared he was, but picked up the pieces and 
K16   2 dropped them in the grate, he and the others watching as they 
K16   3 twisted in the heat. Then he put on his jacket under their silence 
K16   4 and walked out of the house, only Harry calling for him to come 
K16   5 back and burn some more.<p/>
K16   6 <p_><h|>THIRTY-FIVE<p/>
K16   7 <p_>An invisible blade of frosty coal smoke from trains and house 
K16   8 chimneys cut familiarly at his nostrils as he strode along wanting 
K16   9 to damn them all yet knowing that, even so, there was no guarantee 
K16  10 of them vanishing this side of hell or heaven, and they would be 
K16  11 there when he got back.<p/>
K16  12 <p_>He drew his collar up and went along Glasshouse Street. At the 
K16  13 Central Market wartime business was slack, a few handcarts forlorn 
K16  14 along the pavement, and a couple of tall soldiers in purple berets 
K16  15 buying at a fruit stall.<p/>
K16  16 <p_>The same thoroughfare became Broad Street (not broad enough) 
K16  17 and Stoney Street (merely cobbled); house doors opening onto 
K16  18 pavements, and children playing warily, shouts drowning the flick 
K16  19 of marbles before they dropped into winning holes.<p/>
K16  20 <p_>Among lace workshops and warehouses vans were collecting 
K16  21 camouflage netting or parachute material. Every place worked night 
K16  22 and day, women and girls keeping the machines going. Hosiery firms 
K16  23 turned out uniforms to clothe the serviceman in all climates. 
K16  24 Raleigh made shellcases by the million. John Player produced 
K16  25 tobacco and fags so that everyone could have a puff in a tight 
K16  26 corner, or relaxing drag in a pub. Boots' concocted medicines for 
K16  27 dosing the wounded and ailing. Cammell Lairds made artillery. Tanks 
K16  28 were assembled at Chilwell. Something definitely hush-hush went on 
K16  29 at Ruddington Moor. Ericssons did telephones and wireless sets. 
K16  30 Scores of other factories were subcontracting for bigger firms, the 
K16  31 whole city and environs labouring flat-out to help win the war.<p/>
K16  32 <p_>Nobody was idle, from fourteen-year-olds to men and women in 
K16  33 their seventies. Not since the last big do had there been such 
K16  34 scope, and he wondered why everyone couldn't be so employed in 
K16  35 peacetime. They might occasionally moan at not having much to buy 
K16  36 with their hard-gained pay packets, but there were fairer shares of 
K16  37 food which hadn't been possible till then. Pubs had beer, picture 
K16  38 houses did top trade, and there was a wireless in nearly every 
K16  39 house so that they could even listen to Lord Haw-Haw if they cared 
K16  40 to. The country wouldn't go back to what it had been like before, 
K16  41 and that was a fact.<p/>
K16  42 <p_>Broadway was a short throughway of redbricked factories with 
K16  43 their grand entrances up steps, looms busy behind rows of tall 
K16  44 windows, sky visible only on bending backwards to see a 
K16  45 four-engined plane flying across. A young boy pushing a handcart of 
K16  46 planks brushed his shin. <quote_>"You want somebody walking in 
K16  47 front of you waving a red flag,"<quote/> Leonard called out merrily 
K16  48 enough.<p/>
K16  49 <p_><quote|>"Bollocks!" - a flash of pale and lively face as his 
K16  50 barrow rattled at a greater rate over the cobbles.<p/>
K16  51 <p_><quote_>"I'll put your bollocks where your batchy head should 
K16  52 be."<quote/> Leonard, half into a run, struck air with his fists: 
K16  53 <quote_>"You cheeky little bastard!"<quote/><p/>
K16  54 <p_>A girl walking by, with a pinched face and hands deep in 
K16  55 overall pockets, looked as if he was ready for a straitjacket. He 
K16  56 lowered his hands, thinking he could well be, face heated with 
K16  57 shame, turmoil, chagrin, fierce heartbeats saying he might be about 
K16  58 to bend over the gutter and throw his stomach up.<p/>
K16  59 <p_>He quietened such unwarrantable rage, thinking that if he 
K16  60 didn't teach the kid manners, someone surely would. Youngsters were 
K16  61 like that because they worked hard and earned money. Every evening 
K16  62 they came home exhausted out of the factories, joshing in the 
K16  63 streets before the twenty-mile bus ride home. Up at six in the 
K16  64 morning, they caught the bus again, rather than work in the 
K16  65 colliery at the end of their garden.<p/>
K16  66 <p_>He walked the slippery cobbles wondering where he was going and 
K16  67 why, but only heading as far as the next turning, which was the 
K16  68 same with Life, because you could never see beyond the limits of 
K16  69 your sight, while only God, if such he was, was able to view the 
K16  70 pattern from above.<p/>
K16  71 <p_>He had a home to go to but couldn't stop walking, waited for an 
K16  72 old man on a bike to pass before crossing the road. He didn't know 
K16  73 whether he loved Sophie, but you lived with a woman for better or 
K16  74 worse, and worse was better than nothing if you loved her and 
K16  75 didn't want her to leave. Looking back, she had fallen into his bed 
K16  76 so quickly he hadn't known her for what she was. The only way they 
K16  77 could be intimate nowadays was for him to imagine she was someone 
K16  78 else.<p/>
K16  79 <p_>He couldn't put up with her going off with other men, though he 
K16  80 didn't know how to end it unless to hang himself. But he was too 
K16  81 tenacious of life, or too cowardly, or too aware that such an act 
K16  82 might make certain people happy, or an equal number unhappy, and he 
K16  83 didn't see why he should disturb either sort to that extent. And 
K16  84 above all, to do such a thing would be the worst sin he could think 
K16  85 of.<p/>
K16  86 <p_>A few years ago such calculating thoughts had been no part of 
K16  87 his nature. It was surely a matter of <tf_>know thyself<tf/>, in 
K16  88 which case you must make the effort to do so more and more, 
K16  89 otherwise you ended up at the mercy of those who thought they knew 
K16  90 you better than you did yourself, and there was no fate worse than 
K16  91 that.<p/>
K16  92 <p_><h|>THIRTY-SIX<p/>
K16  93 <p_>From a bomb-blasted gap in the houses he looked at a train 
K16  94 ploughing boisterously through the marshalling yards under a rudder 
K16  95 of smoke, lines of carriages and wagons as if in a shop window of 
K16  96 toys before the war. On the edge of the city a power station threw 
K16  97 up cloths of steam. The town closed you in, though maybe there was 
K16  98 a better life in the wooded hills beyond.<p/>
K16  99 <p_>A few feet apart, decrepit fa<*_>c-cedille<*/>ades had curtains 
K16 100 across their windows, the glass cracked, brown paint bubbled, putty 
K16 101 broken, since there was nothing to sell. He walked down a stepped 
K16 102 footway to a street of bombed houses: destruction brought change, 
K16 103 though people were killed who had done nothing to deserve it.<p/>
K16 104 <p_>On Long Row, women made-up to the nines (some so young you 
K16 105 would think they were still at school) strolled up and down calling 
K16 106 at any man or soldier going by. One even had a toddler with her, 
K16 107 and Leonard couldn't think why. He made a bridgehead at the counter 
K16 108 of Yates's Wine Lodge.<p/>
K16 109 <p_><quote_>"I'd know that thirsty voice anywhere,"<quote/> Albert 
K16 110 said. <quote_>"Even if it was in the middle of <tf_>The Hallelujah 
K16 111 Chorus<tf/>."<quote/><p/>
K16 112 <p_><quote_>"Why aren't you on your allotment digging for 
K16 113 victory?"<quote/> He opened his jacket, at the heat from so many 
K16 114 people. <quote_>"It's just the right raw day for it."<quote/><p/>
K16 115 <p_><quote_>"You can't get the spade in - and if you do it weighs 
K16 116 half a ton. Mind you, it's lovely to see all them fat worms 
K16 117 wriggling about."<quote/><p/>
K16 118 <p_><quote_>"You could do a bit of fishing."<quote/><p/>
K16 119 <p_>Albert detected that something wasn't right, while pressing 
K16 120 tobacco into his pipe. <quote_>"Life treating you well, 
K16 121 Leonard?"<quote/><p/>
K16 122 <p_><quote_>"I'm in the pink. Never felt better."<quote/><p/>
K16 123 <p_><quote_>"Well, that's all right, then. Mind you, I have thought 
K16 124 of a bit of fishing. My youngest lad's just been called up, so I 
K16 125 might take his tackle out and see if I can't pull a few tiddlers 
K16 126 out of the Trent. They say it's good by the power station, but I 
K16 127 reckon there's too many at it. People are bleddy locusts these 
K16 128 days. You'd think it was the Siege of Mafeking."<quote/> He drew a 
K16 129 long suck of his pint. <quote_>"Last September me and the missis 
K16 130 thought we would go blackberrying. She remembered a lovely spot 
K16 131 from years ago near Beeston. Used to get her bloomers caught in the 
K16 132 brambles, I expect, when she was courting the bloke she packed in 
K16 133 to take up with me. But there wasn't a blackberry to be seen. We 
K16 134 ended up with six green 'uns in the bottom of a tin, hands all 
K16 135 scratched to boggery. So no jam, even supposing we could get the 
K16 136 sugar to make it. It's the same with mushrooms. And the wild 
K16 137 rabbits have all been eaten. They'd start on the moggies if they 
K16 138 weren't all skin and bone. Still, they feed the lads in the army, 
K16 139 so my lot are all right. I've got three serving now. 'This is going 
K16 140 to be the war to end wars, Dad,' my eldest said, 'not like the one 
K16 141 you pansied about in last time.' I nearly knocked his block off, 
K16 142 except he's bigger than me. And now my only daughter's hopped it as 
K16 143 well, into the Land Army. A glorified muckraker, I told her. She 
K16 144 nearly chucked the teapot at me."<quote/><p/>
K16 145 <p_>Leonard called for another. <quote_>"The house must seem a bit 
K16 146 empty."<quote/><p/>
K16 147 <p_><quote_>"Seem? Me and Gwen rattle around like French pennies in 
K16 148 a gas meter. Whenever she wants to shout at me I'm not there. Mind 
K16 149 you, when I want to give her a kiss, she is. We might take a couple 
K16 150 of lodgers, and make a bob or two. It'd be company. No use getting 
K16 151 a smaller house, either, because my mob'll be back when they've won 
K16 152 the war."<quote/><p/>
K16 153 <p_><quote_>"If you aren't careful,"<quote/> Leonard said, 
K16 154 <quote_>"you'll get some soldiers billeted on you."<quote/><p/>
K16 155 <p_><quote_>"Not likely. If the Council people come snooping I'll 
K16 156 grab a few kids off the street and chuck'em in the beds. God knows, 
K16 157 there's enough around our way, and most of 'em don't know who their 
K16 158 fathers are. One or two darkies, as well."<quote/><p/>
K16 159 <p_><quote_>"How many rooms have you got empty, then?"<quote/><p/>
K16 160 <p_>Albert laughed. <quote_>"You want one?"<quote/><p/>
K16 161 <p_>He wondered, for a moment.<quote_>"Have the next jar on 
K16 162 me."<quote/><p/>
K16 163 <p_><quote_>"I thought you was serious for a minute. I've got two, 
K16 164 if you know anybody respectable. That'll leave one for when my lot 
K16 165 comes on leave, and if they all show their clocks at the same time 
K16 166 they can fight for it. They would, too. They're demons when they're 
K16 167 together. Yes, I will have another. I like the ale in this place. 
K16 168 Even Gwen don't mind me coming here, though I think she'd like it a 
K16 169 lot less if she saw all these tarts."<quote/><p/>
K16 170 <p_>Leonard felt better with a couple of pints in him. 
K16 171 <quote_>"Where do they go when they pick somebody up?"<quote/><p/>
K16 172 <p_>Handsome ebullient Americans filled the place with their 
K16 173 accents. Albert joked: <quote_>"I didn't think you was like 
K16 174 that,"<quote/> and saw his mistake. <quote_>"Well, I suppose they 
K16 175 take 'em home. The parents don't care these days, being partial to 
K16 176 some Yankee fags or a tin of their posh snap. Or there's all them 
K16 177 bed-and-breakfast places up Mansfield Road. Six-and-a-tanner a 
K16 178 night, or so I heard."<quote/><p/>
K16 179 <p_>Leonard walked tall and upright towards home, mended somewhat 
K16 180 at knowing he had a few pounds in his Post Office book and could 
K16 181 lodge with Albert while looking for a place - if he had to.<p/>
K16 182 <p_><h|>THIRTY-SEVEN<p/>
K16 183 <p_>Sophie was in the scullery cooking dinner. <quote_>"I thought 
K16 184 you was never going to come back."<quote/><p/>
K16 185 <p_>He was jovial. <quote_>"You missed me?"<quote/><p/>
K16 186 <p_><quote_>"I always do, you know that."<quote/><p/>
K16 187 <p_>He kissed her. <quote_>"That's good news."<quote/><p/>
K16 188 <p_><quote_>"It didn't come from <tf_>The Daily Liar<tf/>, 
K16 189 either."<quote/><p/>
K16 190 <p_><quote_>"I'm glad you say so."<quote/><p/>
K16 191 <p_>She smiled. <quote_>"It wouldn't pay me to believe anything 
K16 192 else, would it?"<quote/><p/>
K16 193 <p_>He hung his scarf on the back of the door. <quote_>"Wouldn't 
K16 194 it?"<quote/><p/>
K16 195 <p_>Sophie was two women, but he lived with one at a time, and the 
K16 196 one he didn't like could not be turned out of the house without 
K16 197 taking the half he was in love with, which he was sure loved him. 
K16 198 Because of this she made him feel he was two different men, and if 
K16 199 he was, neither of them could manage the part of her that he could 
K16 200 not endure.<p/>
K16 201 <p_>She stood up from the oven. When she stayed home she cooked, 
K16 202 and looked after things, so what more did he want?
K16 203 
K16 204 
K17   1 <#FLOB:K17\><quote_>"He says he's going to try to string it to a 
K17   2 national."<quote/><p/>
K17   3 <p_>Daisy sat down heavily on the bed. <quote_>"Why, for God's 
K17   4 sake?"<quote/><p/>
K17   5 <p_>She could almost see Alan shrugging at the other end of the 
K17   6 line. <quote_>"Finally got to her?"<quote/> he suggested. 
K17   7 <quote_>"Flipped her lid?"<quote/><p/>
K17   8 <p_><quote_>"Don't even mention it."<quote/> But the thought had 
K17   9 already occurred to her. Alice Knowles was under intolerable 
K17  10 pressure; many lesser people would have cracked before now. 
K17  11 <quote_>"When's this meant to be happening?"<quote/> she asked.<p/>
K17  12 <p_><quote_>"At three this afternoon."<quote/><p/>
K17  13 <p_>Inevitably. End of quiet Saturday.<p/>
K17  14 <p_>Daisy tried calling Alice Knowles, but there was no reply. 
K17  15 Already left for the show, perhaps. Or lying low, avoiding the 
K17  16 phone.<p/>
K17  17 <p_>There was nothing for it then, not if all the work wasn't going 
K17  18 to go up the spout. Quite apart from anything else, she rather 
K17  19 liked Mrs Knowles; it would be dreadful to see her disappointed, 
K17  20 maybe even humiliated.<p/>
K17  21 <p_>Nothing, however, was going to rob Daisy of her breakfast, not 
K17  22 even Alice Knowles, and she sat cross-legged on the floor and 
K17  23 consumed a large bowl of Coco Pops and milk, followed by several 
K17  24 slices of toast and jam, which tasted marvellously of white sugar 
K17  25 and processed flour. As she ate she started to go through the 
K17  26 newspapers, looking for cuttings, but soon broke off and stared 
K17  27 through the window, thinking of Alice Knowles.<p/>
K17  28 <p_>The case was typical of many that came Catch's way. The 
K17  29 Knowleses were a farming family with seven hundred acres of good 
K17  30 arable land not far from Newbury. Nice hard-working people, 
K17  31 reasonably prosperous, distinctly law-abiding. Like most farmers, 
K17  32 they worked with large quantities of chemicals. But unlike most 
K17  33 other families they had been unlucky or not careful enough, or 
K17  34 both, and now things had gone wrong.<p/>
K17  35 <p_>But was a demonstration going to help? Daisy tried to imagine 
K17  36 what sort of protest Alice Knowles might be planning. Handing out 
K17  37 leaflets, setting up a stall? Not so bad. Banner waving, shouting, 
K17  38 speech making? Not so good. In the minds of much of the press any 
K17  39 sort of jumping up and down was still firmly associated with 
K17  40 weirdos and political agitators, and while they might print a 
K17  41 two-line protest story, they were unlikely to give the item the 
K17  42 space it deserved. Alice would be written off as an isolated old 
K17  43 woman with a grievance, and Daisy's chances of getting a serious 
K17  44 investigative piece would be that much reduced.<p/>
K17  45 <p_>But there might still be time to pre-empt things. Leafing 
K17  46 through her address book, she found the number of Simon Calthrop, a 
K17  47 <tf_>Sunday Times<tf/> journalist she'd just met. Simon belonged to 
K17  48 that relatively new species of writer, the environment 
K17  49 correspondent, of whom from a count of six or seven five years ago 
K17  50 there were now so many that you couldn't count them for green lapel 
K17  51 stickers. Simon was a committed environmental reporter, just as 
K17  52 he'd been a committed consumer affairs correspondent two years 
K17  53 before, and a dedicated investigative reporter the year before 
K17  54 that.<p/>
K17  55 <p_>She'd last seen him a week before at a party for the launch of 
K17  56 yet another rain forest appeal in which consumers were being asked, 
K17  57 among other things, to boycott mahogany lavatory seats. As one man 
K17  58 had said in a loud voice, did that mean having to raise the seat 
K17  59 before sitting down? This had met with the sort of stony silence 
K17  60 usually reserved for nuclear power promoters and toxic waste 
K17  61 apologists. Daisy felt for the poor man. Nobody'd told him you 
K17  62 weren't allowed to have a sense of humour.<p/>
K17  63 <p_>Simon hadn't smiled, he was too busy looking detached. She'd 
K17  64 invited him to take her on to dinner, to see if the detachment 
K17  65 survived a candlelit evening. Rather to her surprise it did. 
K17  66 Writing for the <tf_>Sunday Times<tf/> was, for Simon, an onerous 
K17  67 experience. But there were definite chinks in his armour and, 
K17  68 having squeezed the odd smile out of him, she liked to think she'd 
K17  69 levered some of them open.<p/>
K17  70 <p_>He sounded grumpy when he answered the phone. <quote_>"Can't do 
K17  71 anything this week,"<quote/> he began unpromisingly.<p/>
K17  72 <p_><quote_>"As a human interest story then,"<quote/> Daisy 
K17  73 suggested. <quote_>"You know, how ordinary people are driven to 
K17  74 desperate acts. It could make a good photo feature."<quote/><p/>
K17  75 <p_><quote_>"Mmm."<quote/> He sounded unconvinced. <quote_>"So tell 
K17  76 me about it."<quote/><p/>
K17  77 <p_>Daisy told him about the family and how the medical tests had 
K17  78 shown them to have high levels of pesticide residues in their 
K17  79 bodies - the residue of several pesticides unfortunately, and not 
K17  80 just one or two, so that it was impossible to know which particular 
K17  81 chemical or cocktail of chemicals might have caused their troubles. 
K17  82 But Daisy had her suspicions. For years the Knowleses had been 
K17  83 using the pesticide Aldeb on their potato crop. She reminded Simon 
K17  84 that Aldeb was under notice of withdrawal in the US because of 
K17  85 fears that it was carcinogenic.<p/>
K17  86 <p_><quote_>"And in Britain?"<quote/> he asked.<p/>
K17  87 <p_><quote_>"Here?"<quote/> Daisy gave a derisive laugh. 
K17  88 <quote_>"You know how it is - everything takes a little longer. The 
K17  89 ministry did their usual trick and rejected the US research on the 
K17  90 grounds that it was inconclusive. Aldeb's still heading the 
K17  91 best-sellers' list."<quote/><p/>
K17  92 <p_><quote_>"Mmm."<quote/> He wasn't sounding enthralled by the 
K17  93 story so far. <quote_>"Aldeb's who, remind me?"<quote/><p/>
K17  94 <p_><quote_>"Morton-Kreiger. They've just announced their results. 
K17  95 Worldwide profits of three hundred million, give or take the odd 
K17  96 million. Pounds, that is."<quote/><p/>
K17  97 <p_><quote_>"And what's their response been? You've contacted them, 
K17  98 presumably."<quote/><p/>
K17  99 <p_>Daisy was beginning to realise that, for all his erudite 
K17 100 environmental articles, Simon still didn't know everything about 
K17 101 the workings of agrochemical companies. <quote_>"What 
K17 102 response?"<quote/> she replied caustically. <quote_>"You must be 
K17 103 joking. I'm always referred to their legal department."<quote/><p/>
K17 104 <p_>He took the point, though she could sense that he didn't 
K17 105 appreciate it being made so forcefully. Tactlessness - and instant 
K17 106 regret - were such a regular feature of her life that she 
K17 107 automatically backtracked, adding quickly: <quote_>"What I mean is, 
K17 108 they've been less helpful than they could have been."<quote/><p/>
K17 109 <p_><quote_>"Listen, this isn't exactly straightforward,"<quote/> 
K17 110 Simon said. <quote_>"If there's a story, it could take weeks to dig 
K17 111 out. I really don't think there'd be much point in covering this 
K17 112 woman and her demonstration this afternoon, not at this stage 
K17 113 -"<quote/><p/>
K17 114 <p_><quote_>"Maybe not, but let me come over with the 
K17 115 file,"<quote/> Daisy urged. <quote_>"It's impressive, I promise 
K17 116 you. The story could be an important one. At least we think so. And 
K17 117 if we're right, then a lot of farmers could be at risk."<quote/> He 
K17 118 was silent, but Daisy could sense a flicker of interest. 
K17 119 <quote_>"Needless to say,"<quote/> she added, <quote_>"you'd have 
K17 120 full access to all our material."<quote/><p/>
K17 121 <p_>Another pause. She'd almost got him, she felt it.<p/>
K17 122 <p_><quote_>"Where do you live?"<quote/> she asked.<p/>
K17 123 <p_>He lived in Islington. After a detour to the office at King's 
K17 124 Cross to pick up the Knowles file and the draft press releases, she 
K17 125 made it in forty minutes. His flat was on the third floor of a tall 
K17 126 house in a rubbish-strewn street off the Pentonville Road. The main 
K17 127 room was basic but comfortable, with a couple of deep sofas, a 
K17 128 Habitat dining-table and chair set, and an expensive-looking 
K17 129 Scandinavian hi-fi system. There were a few good etchings on the 
K17 130 walls, a dying fig tree in the window, and on the floor several 
K17 131 piles of magazines and newspapers stacked high enough to reach the 
K17 132 sofa arms. A functional if untidy kitchen was visible through a 
K17 133 half-open door.<p/>
K17 134 <p_>A typical bachelor flat - or was it? She found herself casting 
K17 135 around for signs of female occupation, and was surprised at 
K17 136 herself. Was she making room for a new man in her life? More to the 
K17 137 point, was she considering the rather dry, unemotional Simon?<p/>
K17 138 <p_>He emerged from the kitchen with two mugs of coffee. He was 
K17 139 wearing the rumpled but carefully-assembled uniform of the north 
K17 140 London intellectual: well-worn jeans, open-necked safari-style 
K17 141 shirt which, if it had encountered an iron at all, had met it only 
K17 142 briefly, and old tennis shoes. He had a pale face, glasses with 
K17 143 minimal gold frames, dark eyebrows that feathered over the bridge 
K17 144 of his nose, and heavy black hair which kept falling over his eyes. 
K17 145 He was slim, although she noticed the first signs of the badge of 
K17 146 office of the true journalist, the drinking paunch, showing beneath 
K17 147 the shirt.<p/>
K17 148 <p_>She took him through the file, item by item. Eventually he said 
K17 149 wearily: <quote_>"It could make a small item, I suppose... Or a 
K17 150 major investigative piece. But I can't see anything in 
K17 151 between."<quote/><p/>
K17 152 <p_><quote_>"Okay then,"<quote/> Daisy said immediately. 
K17 153 <quote_>"Make it a major investigative piece."<quote/><p/>
K17 154 <p_>His heavy brows lowered until they formed a solid black line. 
K17 155 He gave a weighty sigh. <quote_>"I've got two big features on the 
K17 156 go at the moment... I couldn't possibly start on anything yet. Not 
K17 157 for some time, in fact."<quote/><p/>
K17 158 <p_><quote_>"But soonish?"<quote/> She was pressing him, she knew 
K17 159 it, but it was vital to screw some sort of commitment out of him, 
K17 160 however tenuous. <quote_>"We could get more data, I'm sure of 
K17 161 it,"<quote/> she said more out of hope than certainty. 
K17 162 <quote_>"Other victims and that sort of thing."<quote/><p/>
K17 163 <p_><quote_>"Oh? Where from?"<quote/><p/>
K17 164 <p_>She had to think quickly. <quote_>"Umm, the unions. The NFU, 
K17 165 the Transport and General Workers."<quote/> She had in fact already 
K17 166 spent long hours with the health-and-safety officers of the two 
K17 167 unions, combing their files. The National Farmers' Union had 
K17 168 produced a number of cases which might be traceable to Aldeb, but 
K17 169 the evidence had been sketchy even by Daisy's undemanding 
K17 170 standards. There were hundreds of cases out there, Daisy was sure 
K17 171 of it; the victims just didn't know what had hit them.<p/>
K17 172 <p_><quote_>"Okay."<quote/> Simon gave another, sharper sigh. 
K17 173 <quote_>"Find what you can and when I've got the time I'll have a 
K17 174 look at it."<p/>
K17 175 <p_>She had to settle for that. She took another coffee off him all 
K17 176 the same, partly to satisfy her curiosity about him, partly to 
K17 177 argue her case again should the chance arise, which it soon did. If 
K17 178 she was being dogged, it was because in this line of work 
K17 179 opportunities had to be grabbed as they arose and then shaken into 
K17 180 life. It wasn't enough to have right on your side; that never got 
K17 181 anyone anywhere.<p/>
K17 182 <p_><quote_>"Of course it <tf|>has been known for the Americans to 
K17 183 get it wrong,"<quote/> Simon said. <quote_>"They can 
K17 184 over-react."<quote/><p/>
K17 185 <p_><quote_>"What, on Aldeb?"<quote/> Daisy exclaimed. 
K17 186 <quote_>"Have you seen the evidence?"<quote/><p/>
K17 187 <p_>He shrugged, as if nobody of any sense could seriously believe 
K17 188 that anything, even scientific evidence, could be taken at face 
K17 189 value. <quote_>"To provide balance I'd have to interview 
K17 190 Morton-Kreiger. Get their side of things."<quote/><p/>
K17 191 <p_><quote_>"I wish you luck,"<quote/> she said drily. <quote_>"I'd 
K17 192 be interested to know what they have to say."<quote/><p/>
K17 193 <p_>He got up and, going to the stereo system, put on a CD. Early 
K17 194 music. A concerto of some sort. She tried to guess. 
K17 195 <quote_>"Bach?"<quote/> <quote_>"Haydn,"<quote/> he said. 
K17 196 <quote_>"On original instruments. I think it sounds rather more 
K17 197 interesting, don't you?"<quote/><p/>
K17 198 <p_><quote_>"Sure,"<quote/> she said, though she wasn't certain she 
K17 199 could tell a wire string from a piece of eighteenth-century catgut 
K17 200 if it was sounded in her ear. She couldn't help thinking that Simon 
K17 201 was just the type to go for original instruments.<p/>
K17 202 <p_>Simon, making an obvious effort to be sociable, asked about her 
K17 203 background. Daisy seemed to remember that they'd been over this at 
K17 204 dinner the previous week. Had he simply forgotten? Giving him the 
K17 205 benefit of the doubt, she went through it again. She told him about 
K17 206 being brought up in Catford, famous for the greyhound stadium, for 
K17 207 being somewhere beyond the South Circular, and for being impossible 
K17 208 to find without an Ordnance Survey map of south London. How her 
K17 209 father had encouraged her to get some A-levels and try for a law 
K17 210 scholarship to Birmingham, which she didn't get. Her parents had 
K17 211 sent her all the same, though it was a strain financially. 
K17 212 <quote_>"They thought education set you apart. It did, in Catford 
K17 213 at least. None of my school friends ever spoke to me again. I had a 
K17 214 best friend called Samantha who thought I'd got totally above 
K17 215 myself. The last I heard, she was earning a thousand quid a week as 
K17 216 a nude model."<quote/> She gave a chuckle, as she always did when 
K17 217 she came to this part of the story.
K17 218 
K18   1 <#FLOB:K18\><p_>And the terror struck again. She closed her eyes 
K18   2 with the unmanageability of all she had to do without noticing that 
K18   3 her terror, only moments before, had been because she had nothing 
K18   4 to do.<p/>
K18   5 <p_>She was hungry. Well, it was practically lunchtime. She had 
K18   6 noticed, on her way here yesterday, a fish and chip shop on the 
K18   7 main road. She decided she needed something to eat before she began 
K18   8 the awful tasks that lay ahead of her.<p/>
K18   9 <p_>Sylvie returned with her parcel of fish and chips. The curtains 
K18  10 were still drawn. She left them that way and turned on the lights, 
K18  11 declaring it night, although the day was bright and sunny outside. 
K18  12 As far as she was concerned, it would be night. She wanted its 
K18  13 safety and comfort. It was no more than a hope, some atavistic 
K18  14 memory of rolling a stone across a cave entrance and watching the 
K18  15 fire spring to life. Safe at last.<p/>
K18  16 <p_>Not so for Sylvie. The electrical brightness and the imagined 
K18  17 darkness outside threw their own fearful shadow over her as she 
K18  18 piled her fish and double portion of chips on to a plate and 
K18  19 slumped with it into the armchair.<p/>
K18  20 <p_>The emptiness grew inside her in spite of the food she stuffed 
K18  21 into her mouth. The void expanded and offered her a vista, once 
K18  22 again, of a lifetime, an eternity, of nothing. That was the fear; 
K18  23 but, in truth, she knew she coped with that daily. There were ways 
K18  24 of facing time. There was another fear, which combined with its 
K18  25 impossible opposite, made <tf|>everything intolerable, utterly 
K18  26 insoluble. It was the terror of living, of doing anything, of 
K18  27 filling the awful-enough void with activity. Between Sylvie's 
K18  28 aversion to life and its doings, and her horror of what seemed an 
K18  29 endless emptiness, there was no room for living at all. There was 
K18  30 only panic that flickered madly between the one unspeakable option 
K18  31 and the other. Somehow, the space between, which was where other 
K18  32 people seemed to exist and get on with their lives, had been 
K18  33 annihilated by the two monsters that fought for control.<p/>
K18  34 <p_>This was how it was for Sylvie.<p/>
K18  35 <p_>She had begun her day fearing the emptiness of the rest of her 
K18  36 life. Now, the fear reversed. The thought of actually achieving the 
K18  37 where<?_>-<?/>withal of a normal existence filled her with terror. 
K18  38 What if they gave her the rent, a job, the child? Having got those 
K18  39 things she needed to lead an independent life, she would then be 
K18  40 obliged to get on with it, to cope like everyone else. She knew she 
K18  41 couldn't.<p/>
K18  42 <p_>Her head filled with images of things breaking down, or needing 
K18  43 constant renewal   - machines stopped working, sinks blocked and 
K18  44 flooded, clothes needed repair and replacement, food ran out, a 
K18  45 mouth that had to be fed every day, a body that grew and grew, to 
K18  46 be clothed and cleaned, a voice that wanted things, stories, a 
K18  47 cuddle, to know where something was. She wouldn't know where it 
K18  48 was. Things would have to be put away in the right place so that 
K18  49 they could be found again. Simple, practical activities that made 
K18  50 life, in the long run, easier. But so many of them, so much, for so 
K18  51 long. Day after day of being in charge of not letting things get 
K18  52 out of hand. Daily routines, pushing the shopping trolley to the 
K18  53 shops, school every morning if she got up in time, fetching every 
K18  54 afternoon, in between sorting out, tidying up, renewing, going to 
K18  55 work ... For ever and ever, or until she was so old that there 
K18  56 would be nothing left but waiting to die.<p/>
K18  57 <p_>Sylvie looked around the room. Clothes, towels, sheets, most of 
K18  58 them, so far, clean; things waiting to be put away lay on every 
K18  59 surface. And she saw how it would be in just a few days' time. 
K18  60 Newspapers to be thrown out, broken toys, dirty plates, overflowing 
K18  61 ashtrays, empty wine and beer bottles, quarter-filled cups of cold 
K18  62 tea or coffee. It wasn't that she wouldn't notice, at least some of 
K18  63 the time, but she knew she wouldn't be able to do anything about 
K18  64 it. Wouldn't know where to begin. And as it got worse, it would 
K18  65 become all the more impossible. She had held off this nightmare by 
K18  66 living a temporary life in other people's houses. They cleared up, 
K18  67 paid the bills and kept everything going because they knew how to 
K18  68 do it.<p/>
K18  69 <p_><tf_>She didn't.<tf/><p/>
K18  70 <p_>She wanted her independence, and her child, in an abstract sort 
K18  71 of way, but she didn't want the reality of a flat for which she was 
K18  72 responsible, or a six-year-old who needed ... and needed ... and 
K18  73 needed. She told herself that she feared these things because she 
K18  74 just couldn't cope with the practical attention they required. She 
K18  75 hadn't the experience. She was ready to admit that, it was clearly 
K18  76 true. But in her guts, where she didn't have to think or give names 
K18  77 to the feeling, she just didn't <tf|>want them. She wanted only to 
K18  78 be left alone and not to have to do or think about anything. That 
K18  79 was what the juices inside her screamed, when faced with the 
K18  80 prospect of getting what every adult was supposed to want.<p/>
K18  81 <p_>Fully inside her terror of a normal life, she shook with the 
K18  82 horror of it, and knew what she really wanted: nothing, no plans, 
K18  83 just a day-to-day vacuity. Until, of course, the thing came full 
K18  84 circle and the horror of <tf|>that overtook her to rack her with 
K18  85 the other misery.<p/>
K18  86 <p_>She put the empty plate on the floor. Not possible to be like 
K18  87 this, to live like this. Not possible, at any rate, to allow the 
K18  88 day to continue. She had no idea of the time, but she went to the 
K18  89 bedroom, dragging herself slowly, like a wounded creature, and 
K18  90 pulled off her clothes, dropping them on the floor and picking up 
K18  91 the nightie she had discarded an hour and a half before. She 
K18  92 crawled into bed, huddling beneath the blankets.<p/>
K18  93 <p_><quote_>"Bastards. Bastards,"<quote/> she whispered into her 
K18  94 pillow. <quote_>"They're all bastards."<quote/><p/>
K18  95 <p_>And in seconds she was asleep. The rent, the job, the child 
K18  96 would have to wait.<p/>
K18  97 <p_>Sylvie fought her way through hours of excessive sleep. 
K18  98 Sometime in the early hours of the next day she came fully awake, 
K18  99 her body at least refreshed by fourteen hours of inactivity. Her 
K18 100 mind howled, however, and demanded more unconsciousness. For a 
K18 101 while Sylvie tossed and turned in the dark like a threatened rabbit 
K18 102 desperately digging for a lost burrow. She gave up finally, and 
K18 103 pushed back the covers to go in search of a bottle of Mogadon that 
K18 104 she knew she had last seen in the bathroom, or possibly on the sofa 
K18 105 under some clothes. In the living room, the bathroom proving 
K18 106 fruitless, she heard the sound of pacing above her head. Slow 
K18 107 footsteps moving up and down across the room upstairs. There were 
K18 108 two floorboards that creaked each time a foot fell on them. Creak, 
K18 109 creak. Creak, creak. The rhythm held. Six, seven, eight crossings 
K18 110 and recrossings of the room.<p/>
K18 111 <p_>She wasn't the only one awake, then. Liam couldn't sleep 
K18 112 either. Well, serve him right for waking her up this morning, 
K18 113 Sylvie thought. Maybe she ought to go and offer him a Mog. That 
K18 114 would be neighbourly. What's he got to worry about, she grumbled to 
K18 115 herself, spilling a tablet, and then, thinking about it, a second, 
K18 116 into her palm and heading for the bathroom. But there was an 
K18 117 unacknowledged comfort in the sound of the regular padding 
K18 118 upstairs. The evidence of another life warmed Sylvie slightly, 
K18 119 though she hardly realized it. The sound of human footsteps 
K18 120 signalled that she was not totally alone in the world, and everyone 
K18 121 else dead in their sleep, or gone away suddenly. She wouldn't wake 
K18 122 to an empty planet where some cataclysm had happened and no one 
K18 123 thought to tell her. Even for Sylvie, for whom other people 
K18 124 represented most of what made her life insufferable, something was 
K18 125 better than nothing at all, and footsteps in the early hours of the 
K18 126 morning provided solace of a sort.<p/>
K18 127 <p_>At last, Sylvie's pills began to take effect, so that in spite 
K18 128 of her subversive anxiety (<quote_>"they're not working ... they're 
K18 129 not working ... I'll never get to sleep ... never ... never 
K18 130 sleep"<quote/>), she realized her body and mind had grown heavy, as 
K18 131 if soft, warm mist had descended, and she headed, semi-conscious 
K18 132 and grateful, towards the tumbled haven of her bed.<p/>
K18 133 <p_>Finally, Liam felt the stunning weariness of his unrequited 
K18 134 middle-aged lust fall on him with the suddenness of a lift coming 
K18 135 to a stop at the basement of a high building. He stopped pacing, 
K18 136 drank a long draught of water and barely had time to get into bed 
K18 137 before blessed unconsciousness brought an end to another of his 
K18 138 days.<p/>
K18 139 <p_>It took three days for Sylvie to gather the inner resources to 
K18 140 go out and do what had to be done. Or rather to create the 
K18 141 necessity. She was running out of money, and she had promised Liam 
K18 142 that he could have the first week's rent before the weekend. 
K18 143 Promises were easily broken, but she had to have money for food 
K18 144 anyway. To get that she had to do everything else: tell social 
K18 145 security that she was in permanent accommodation, get Divya back so 
K18 146 that her social security benefit would increase, find a job so that 
K18 147 she could have Divya back. Round and round. There was no way out of 
K18 148 it, unless she could find another sofa to sleep on. But she 
K18 149 discovered after a few phone calls that Sophie had rung people and 
K18 150 told them she had organized a flat for her. Instead of offering her 
K18 151 a bed, everybody congratulated Sylvie on having a place of her own. 
K18 152 So there was nothing else for it, since she didn't have the energy 
K18 153 to go away for long enough to be welcomed back to the sofas, she 
K18 154 had to get on with her tasks.<p/>
K18 155 <p_>Sylvie marched down the road, her thick black curls bobbing 
K18 156 against her hunched shoulders as if set in motion by an excess of 
K18 157 the furious energy that pushed her forward along the street. She 
K18 158 had worked this energy up for a whole morning, pacing up and down, 
K18 159 playing music as loud as it would go, banging drawers shut, before 
K18 160 setting out and slamming the front door as hard as she could to 
K18 161 give herself a final spurt that would last until she reached her 
K18 162 destination. It was either that or slouch, drop shouldered and 
K18 163 leaden, through the streets to occasional male cries of 
K18 164 <quote_>"Cheer up, love, it may never happen!"<quote/> These 
K18 165 wouldn't be enticing calls. They were sneers from men who, having 
K18 166 been rejected by or not daring to offer themselves to those they 
K18 167 fancied on the street, could get their own back on a female too low 
K18 168 in spirits to lift a haughty head and stare at them with contempt. 
K18 169 The <quote_>"it may never happen"<quote/> meant, in reality, 
K18 170 <quote_>"it has happened, whatever brings a confident bitch down a 
K18 171 peg or two, and we're delighted to see it"<quote/>.<p/>
K18 172 <p_>But protection against the cries of men in the street was only 
K18 173 a side<?_>-<?/>effect, the build-up of anger and energy was needed 
K18 174 for when she got to where she was going.<p/>
K18 175 <p_><quote_>"Take a seat. We'll call you when it's your 
K18 176 turn."<quote/><p/>
K18 177 <p_>It took an hour. Sylvie used the time to rehearse what she 
K18 178 would say, over and over, and each time, as she imagined the 
K18 179 answers, off-putting, downright rejection, the fury increased. By 
K18 180 the time she was called, she had, in her imagination, been refused 
K18 181 a dozen times in succession.<p/>
K18 182 <p_>The social security clerk behind the glass booth, listening to 
K18 183 her demands and tone of voice for the first time, registered that 
K18 184 the woman was unreasonable, hysterical, and altered his manner and 
K18 185 decisions accordingly. For Sylvie, however, this was not only the 
K18 186 culmination of her fantasy rejections over the last hour, but, 
K18 187 realistically, the latest in a long series of such scenes that went 
K18 188 back years.<p/>
K18 189 
K19   1 <#FLOB:K19\><p_><quote_>"But you didn't laugh..."<quote/><p/>
K19   2 <p_><quote_>"I didn't laugh but who are you?"<quote/><p/>
K19   3 <p_><quote_>"Tim Harding"<quote/><p/>
K19   4 <p_><quote_>"Cecelia Sloan. I haven't much time, my father has a 
K19   5 bad flu. I work in London. I only came this weekend because he 
K19   6 sounded so bad on the phone even though my aunt is there but I just 
K19   7 had to tell you, I've thought of you every day for the past two 
K19   8 weeks..."<quote/><p/>
K19   9 <p_><quote_>"I've thought of you every day."<quote/><p/>
K19  10 <p_><quote_>"No you haven't, buster, you were looking for an easy 
K19  11 lay and when it didn't work you forgot about me. This isn't patter, 
K19  12 I'm sincere and telling you simply because I can't help 
K19  13 myself."<quote/><p/>
K19  14 <p_>What sort of gimmick was this? I put my glass on the 
K19  15 counter.<p/>
K19  16 <p_><quote_>"Listen to me for a change. I said I thought of you 
K19  17 every day and I did. If you don't believe it then goodbye. And 
K19  18 you're right, I was looking for a ride. This is Charlie's for God's 
K19  19 sake. But now, now it's different. Please believe that."<quote/><p/>
K19  20 <p_>She looked at Charlie's clock - which had stopped, then at her 
K19  21 watch. <quote_>"I have to go. Walk me home."<quote/> She looked 
K19  22 down the counter for attention and drew Charlie.<p/>
K19  23 <p_><quote_>"May I have a whiskey to go, please."<quote/> To me she 
K19  24 said: <quote_>"For my father."<quote/> Charlie wrapped up the small 
K19  25 bottle - in a piece of newspaper rescued from the waste bin - took 
K19  26 her money and gave her the change without a comment. So unlike 
K19  27 Charlie. I had known all sorts of women since I started at sixteen 
K19  28 with one of the bingo hall girls in Fulham Broadway yet when I 
K19  29 tried to lift my glass for a last drop my hand shook. She put the 
K19  30 whiskey in her shoulder bag, landed from the stool and walked to 
K19  31 the door. Where she stopped and waited. Until I copped on and 
K19  32 opened the door for her. <quote_>"And who is Tim Harding, Tim 
K19  33 Harding?"<quote/> She pulled my sleeve to make me walk on the 
K19  34 outside of the footpath.<p/>
K19  35 <p_><quote_>"Tim Harding is a twenty-eight year old Fulham man, 
K19  36 graduate of Trinity, Dublin, and presently chief executive of the 
K19  37 one-man business, Fagend - that's my office across there, overhead 
K19  38 the auctioneers."<quote/><p/>
K19  39 <p_><quote_>"Fagend?"<quote/><p/>
K19  40 <p_><quote_>"I help people stop smoking."<quote/><p/>
K19  41 <p_><quote_>"Oh Gawd!"<quote/><p/>
K19  42 <p_><quote_>"Hold on, I'm really a maths teacher. But I got into 
K19  43 this racket by accident and it beats work."<quote/><p/>
K19  44 <p_><quote_>"If you're a maths teacher you should be teaching 
K19  45 maths, Tim Harding."<quote/><p/>
K19  46 <p_><quote_>"I know. I will. Teaching jobs are scarce here. I 
K19  47 suppose I should go back to London, they can't get enough teachers 
K19  48 there, all the good ones are dead, dying or cashiered for 
K19  49 pederasty."<quote/><p/>
K19  50 <p_><quote_>"Cross here. That's where my father worked all his 
K19  51 life. It used to be a Montague's. Now look at it."<quote/><p/>
K19  52 <p_><quote_>"I know. All I have to do is walk down town with 
K19  53 Charlie. 'There's Mr Sloan... look at Yendall coming alone... would 
K19  54 you look at the face of Simpson...' Charlie expresses it more 
K19  55 colourfully."<quote/><p/>
K19  56 <p_><quote_>"I can imagine."<quote/> I stopped to look at the 
K19  57 building where her father had worked all his life. To do the same 
K19  58 thing all your life. Charlie climbed into my head with his myriad 
K19  59 vocations.<p/>
K19  60 <p_><quote_>"...since I was ten collecting slops from the lanes at 
K19  61 a ha'penny a bucket..."<quote/><p/>
K19  62 <p_><quote_>"...Tim Harding, you may hold my hand..."<quote/> And 
K19  63 so our love affair began. The throat dry I turned away from Old 
K19  64 Sloan's prison to the smiling Cecelia with her hand down by her 
K19  65 side. I held her hand tightly and went to lean towards her to kiss 
K19  66 her.<p/>
K19  67 <p_><quote_>"No. That comes much later. Keep walking."<quote/><p/>
K19  68 <p_>We walked across the bridge. I could wait for later. I could 
K19  69 count my blessings. I was holding her hand. It was an autumn night. 
K19  70 I was in love. I was in heaven.<p/>
K19  71 <p_>Apart from Donat's Sexton Square across the bridge was the most 
K19  72 fashionable part of the city. This was so simply because it once 
K19  73 was and old blood still lived there. We squeezed hands in silence 
K19  74 until we reached the large wrought-iron gate, hundred yards' gravel 
K19  75 driveway, garden with four oak trees and leaf covered lawn, the 
K19  76 three storey red brick desirable residence of Sloan, Esquire. She 
K19  77 let my hand go and folded her arms. <quote_>"This is it, Tim 
K19  78 Harding."<quote/><p/>
K19  79 <p_><quote_>"You must be rich,"<quote/> I pointed out.<p/>
K19  80 <p_><quote_>"We haven't a bob. My father lived prudently. His own 
K19  81 word. Goodnight."<quote/><p/>
K19  82 <p_><quote_>"Heeey... hold on there. Don't I at least get my 
K19  83 goodnight kiss?"<quote/><p/>
K19  84 <p_><quote_>"That comes much later. As it is I've knocked off six 
K19  85 months to hold your hand. What was good enough for my father and 
K19  86 mother will be good enough for us."<quote/><p/>
K19  87 <p_><quote_>"What do you mean?"<quote/><p/>
K19  88 <p_><quote_>"My father walked out with my mother for six months. 
K19  89 When he brought her home at night he raised his hat and thanked her 
K19  90 for the evening. Then they held hands for three months. Then he 
K19  91 proposed. She was wearing an engagement ring when they kissed. And 
K19  92 a wedding ring when they made love. I think it was so wonderful, 
K19  93 absolutely divine, don't you?"<quote/><p/>
K19  94 <p_><quote_>"You're kidding?"<quote/><p/>
K19  95 <p_><quote_>"Am I?"<quote/><p/>
K19  96 <p_><quote_>"You're not kidding. But when will I see you again? 
K19  97 When are you going back?"<quote/><p/>
K19  98 <p_><quote_>"In the morning."<quote/><p/>
K19  99 <p_><quote_>"I'll go with you to the airport."<quote/><p/>
K19 100 <p_><quote_>"No you won't. My father will."<quote/><p/>
K19 101 <p_><quote_>"I'll ring you. Charlie said you're with a publisher, 
K19 102 what publisher?"<quote/><p/>
K19 103 <p_><quote_>"You won't ring me. I'm with William Drake."<quote/><p/>
K19 104 <p_><quote_>"Here's my card, you ring me."<quote/><p/>
K19 105 <p_><quote_>"Ha! You don't know William Drake, I'm afraid. I 
K19 106 couldn't make a cross-channel call to James Joyce."<quote/><p/>
K19 107 <p_><quote_>"I know, I'll fly over to London, take you out to 
K19 108 dinner..."<quote/><p/>
K19 109 <p_><quote_>"No. Goodnight. I love you."<quote/><p/>
K19 110 <p_>She high-heeled it in the gravel.<p/>
K19 111 <p_>I didn't go back to the Statue of Liberty for half an hour. 
K19 112 After crossing over the bridge I went down the steps and walked 
K19 113 along the quay thinking like a Fagender, counting my blessings. No 
K19 114 more could I indulge the grievance of my beautiful mother taken 
K19 115 from me when I was seventeen and the discovery that Dr Bollix was 
K19 116 my father. I had Cecelia Sloan.<p/>
K19 117 <p_>I reached Charlie's in time for one drink. Charlie is strict. 
K19 118 Nobody is served after hours unless it is someone he thinks will 
K19 119 give him the ride or Sam or myself. Sam was there. I congratulated 
K19 120 him. Serving the drink, Charlie leered at me.<p/>
K19 121 <p_><quote_>"Harding, you black English Protestant, I told you, 
K19 122 Sloan's daughter? You'd have a better chance with Mother Mary 
K19 123 fuckin' Aikenhead."<quote/><p/>
K19 124 <p_><quote_>"You cleaned his clock, Sam."<quote/> Sam started to 
K19 125 tell me about the game but I don't think I caught a word. I was 
K19 126 listening to the music. Cecelia, Cecelia, Cecelia. Charlie cleared 
K19 127 the bar, stood Sam and me a drink, and came out to sit by the fire, 
K19 128 drinking Ballygowan water by the neck.<p/>
K19 129 <p_><quote_>"What about the bollixes, what do they talk 
K19 130 about?"<quote/><p/>
K19 131 <p_><quote_>"Loss of faith. Father Brock woke up one day and it was 
K19 132 gone. Donat objects to ecumenism. Is there some part of the mass 
K19 133 when people shake hands with each other, Sam?"<quote/><p/>
K19 134 <p_><quote_>"The priest says: Let us all offer each other the sign 
K19 135 of peace."<quote/><p/>
K19 136 <p_><quote_>"Donat won't go along with that so I gather he stays 
K19 137 away from mass which I must say is news to me."<quote/><p/>
K19 138 <p_><quote_>"It's news to me. I just assumed he went to the 
K19 139 Jesuits. He never did go to the Redemptorists as long as I know 
K19 140 him. I'm sad to hear that, Tim. And Father Brock too?<p/>
K19 141 <p_><quote_>"It's funny. He 'Fucks' away like Charlie there. If his 
K19 142 faith comes back he won't be able to swear so he sins now while the 
K19 143 going is good."<quote/><p/>
K19 144 <p_><quote_>"Sin, my bollix. I'll tell you a sin story. Listen to 
K19 145 this, Harding. And you too, Sam, 'twill do you good. When I was Tex 
K19 146 with Paschal Larkin in Hank Larkin and the Hoedowners. It's about 
K19 147 half past two on a Sunday morning, we've been playing about five 
K19 148 hours straight - we didn't have a relief band, we were a fucking 
K19 149 relief band. We pack away all the equipment and we're sitting in 
K19 150 the back of the unheated van somewhere in the arsehole of Kerry 
K19 151 waiting to start the three hour drive home. Bitterly cold. We knew 
K19 152 how cold it got in the van so we're all sitting there wrapped in a 
K19 153 blanket and muttering to each other like dispossessed fucking 
K19 154 Indians. And the cause of our misery: Paschal has scored. Paschal 
K19 155 did the Elvis bit, he used to have a French letter full of sand 
K19 156 strapped to his leg so 'twould bulge out of his jeans even though 
K19 157 his prick wasn't the size of my thumb. But he had this foolproof 
K19 158 way of clicking. He'd scour the hall during the break until he'd 
K19 159 find the ugliest, filthiest, scrapeist<&|>sic! woman in the hall. 
K19 160 This night he's gone to fucking town altogether. Grossly fat, this 
K19 161 woman has encased herself in the tightest black dress you could 
K19 162 imagine, great bands of flesh encircle her like fucking car tyres. 
K19 163 Her hair is a bee-hive job that hasn't been dismantled in years and 
K19 164 her face is one big splodge of sweaty make up. Now the rule of the 
K19 165 band was that anyone who clicked took the shortest time to get the 
K19 166 job done - usually in the nearest field - so we could all get home. 
K19 167 But it's so cold that even Paschal's knob would shrivel, so he 
K19 168 shoves her into the long seat in the front of the van and dives on 
K19 169 her. Sound of clothes being yanked off and then: 'You can't, you 
K19 170 can't, it's me period.' Grunts of disapproval from Paschal and then 
K19 171 whispered instructions. Followed by a rhythmic rocking in the front 
K19 172 seat. Then: 'Me hand is tired, you're never goin' a come.' Further 
K19 173 whispered instructions from Paschal. 'No, I don't like doin' that.' 
K19 174 Paschal with the poetry again. 'Promise you won't come in me 
K19 175 mouth.' Paschal grunted his agreement. Then great slurping sounds 
K19 176 and little squeals of pleasure from Paschal. Progress is being 
K19 177 made. Her nibs trying to wrench out from under but Paschal just 
K19 178 gets there. Explodes into the poor bitch. The rest throw off their 
K19 179 blankets and cheer. And meanwhile, young Charlie, without manual 
K19 180 stimulation of any kind has shot his lot in his pants. And here's 
K19 181 the question, Harding, you black English Protestant, and Sam, you 
K19 182 statue licker, was what I did a sin? And if it was, how in the name 
K19 183 of fuck could I confess it?"<quote/><p/>
K19 184 <p_>Sam was nauseated. Charlie walking up and down, grinning, 
K19 185 clutching his bottle of Ballygowan. It was the type of story I 
K19 186 usually loved, typical Charlie iconoclasm but tonight Cecelia 
K19 187 obtruded. Holding her hand.<p/>
K19 188 <p_><quote_>"To think that you call people to church, you're a 
K19 189 disgrace to the tower. No wonder Dr Donat doesn't pick you when we 
K19 190 have eleven, I don't know how the tower isn't struck by 
K19 191 lightning."<quote/><p/>
K19 192 <p_><quote_>"You don't? I'll tell you why. Because there's a 
K19 193 lightning conductor up on it, you dumb prick. As for Dr Bollix 
K19 194 conductor I knew his doctor bollix of a father before him."<quote/> 
K19 195 Charlie's grin was gone. There was anger, bitterness in his face. 
K19 196 <quote_>"Old Dr Cagney - Dr fucking John - with the usual bullshit 
K19 197 reputation for being kind to the poor. You'd have had to get 
K19 198 yourself a fucking underground shelter to escape from the poor in 
K19 199 those days. Everyone was the poor then except for the likes of the 
K19 200 Cagneys and a few more like bollix Yendall in the office in 
K19 201 Montague's, and that shower of drapers looking down their noses at 
K19 202 carpenters for Jayses sake. Drink up that there, ye pair of 
K19 203 bollixes, I had to give it up myself, couldn't handle it. When you 
K19 204 find yourself in a hotel room for a month and having the booze and 
K19 205 the dock whores sent up to you and only putting on a vest to be 
K19 206 formal answering the door, 'tis time to give up. I know their 
K19 207 history, you see. Farmers. Farming stock. But for an Irish farmer 
K19 208 'twas as necessary to have a doctor in the family as a fucking 
K19 209 silver-laden mahogany sideboard in the parlour. His people set him 
K19 210 up in Sexton Square after he got his doctorate.<p/>
K19 211 
K20   1 <#FLOB:K20\><h_><p_>Younger Chaps<p/><h/>
K20   2 <p_>There was another colour slide, a companion to the one of me as 
K20   3 a tearaway on the beach at Westward Ho. This one was of Edward in 
K20   4 baggy shorts and funny hat and I had taken it. There had been no 
K20   5 nonsense with a timer; we had taken pictures of each other. On the 
K20   6 evening I returned from my visit to the Bungalow, after I had 
K20   7 thanked Lynn for looking after him, I brought him downstairs to sit 
K20   8 before the fire as usual. I placed the slide in the viewer, and 
K20   9 held it up to his right eye, which is stronger, I think, than his 
K20  10 left. I gave him a little time to take in that first slide, then I 
K20  11 showed him the one of me.<p/>
K20  12 <p_>I'm not sure what I expected, or if I expected anything at all. 
K20  13 Just as well really, since what I got were the words <quote_>"Blue 
K20  14 Grass"<quote/> several times, and a gesture indicating that he was 
K20  15 thirsty. After I'd made him a milky drink, I tried to explain to 
K20  16 him why I'd shown him the colour slides.<p/>
K20  17 <p_><quote_>"Mother was in Scotland, do you remember, looking after 
K20  18 a sick great-aunt, who, it was thought, might bequeath her a few 
K20  19 hundred pounds. In the end she got a silver-plated tea service with 
K20  20 thistles all over it."<quote/> Then I waited, watching him use the 
K20  21 good side of his mouth to sip at the drinking chocolate.<p/>
K20  22 <p_>I lied a moment ago. I had expected something. I'd expected him 
K20  23 either to look at me properly or to turn his head completely away 
K20  24 from me. But neither happened. Instead he continued to look into 
K20  25 the fire and sip his drink. I waited for this turn of the head for 
K20  26 about three minutes before going on. What's an extra three minutes 
K20  27 after almost thirty years?<p/>
K20  28 <p_><quote_>"You were never happy behind the counter, were you? 
K20  29 Panicked by mental arithmetic, always forgetting what pepole had 
K20  30 asked for. When mother was there, your role was to fetch and carry, 
K20  31 chat to the customers, and see off any unwelcome travellers. You 
K20  32 always used to say that mother was the brains and you the brawn, 
K20  33 with a modicum of public relations thrown in. What happened to 
K20  34 personal relations, dad?"<quote/><p/>
K20  35 <p_>From where I was sitting, I could just see his eyes, see the 
K20  36 fire reflected in them, could, if I'd wanted to, have imagined a 
K20  37 reaction and made of it whatever I wanted to make. Only somehow I 
K20  38 didn't feel like playing both parts any more.<p/>
K20  39 <p_><quote_>"Ten-year-olds aren't supposed to sell stamps, fill out 
K20  40 official forms, or stand behind a counter all day paying out large 
K20  41 sums of money, but no one reported us to the NSPCC or reminded us 
K20  42 of the Child Labour Laws. Then, one morning, you woke me up at the 
K20  43 usual time, only you hadn't taken in the post or swept out the 
K20  44 shop, because a Miss Johnson had arrived to take over as our 
K20  45 holiday relief.<p/>
K20  46 <p_>"When I got downstairs, you were reading a road map, and our 
K20  47 suitcases were packed. The idea of us taking a holiday without 
K20  48 mother had never occurred to me. Nor to you, until that morning. 
K20  49 But I'd noticed how uncomfortable you'd looked standing beside me 
K20  50 behind the counter, watching the customers watch me do all the 
K20  51 adding and subtracting, while the jokes about my possible future as 
K20  52 a Chancellor of the Exchequer wore thinner and thinner.<p/>
K20  53 <p_>"Nothing had been booked, and it was high summer. You didn't 
K20  54 care, you said; if we had to, we could always sleep in the car. And 
K20  55 you didn't telephone mother to let her know what we were up to 
K20  56 until we reached Barnstaple. When you came off the phone, you were 
K20  57 all smiles. You said, 'We were in luck. She was busy, so we got 
K20  58 away with just leaving a message.'<p/>
K20  59 <p_>"For a whole week, it was as if you were a different person, 
K20  60 almost as though you were happy for the first time in your life, 
K20  61 and you have no idea how good that made me feel. We sang all the 
K20  62 way in the car, driving down. We'd sit in pub gardens, with you 
K20  63 wearing a handkerchief on your head tied with knots at the corners, 
K20  64 and you'd talk to me, telling me things about your own childhood 
K20  65 I'd never heard, and using phrases I've never forgotten. 'Innocent 
K20  66 as a new-laid egg, and no more chance of escape than a sheep being 
K20  67 driven to the butcher's back premises' - that was you being dragged 
K20  68 to school on your first day.<p/>
K20  69 <p_>"You told me about your travels to find work between the wars, 
K20  70 cycling from one job prospect to another, with your only suit 
K20  71 rolled up in your saddle-bag. The common lodging houses you stayed 
K20  72 in, where fleas came up from the bottom of the bed and everyone had 
K20  73 to get threepennyworth of Blue Unction, a strong ointment of 
K20  74 mercury, to smear around their ankles, to hold back the mid-night 
K20  75 invasion - lodging houses where, to save on heating, they only 
K20  76 opened the windows once a year in March to let out those staggering 
K20  77 and bloated fleas.<p/>
K20  78 <p_>"You told me about the time you were a drug pusher in Bilston, 
K20  79 working as an assistant in a chemist's shop, selling people four 
K20  80 ha'porth of laudanum to tide them over the Bank Holiday. About the 
K20  81 regulars, old women who looked like pollarded oaks, you said, old 
K20  82 women who claimed to have everything wrong with them but who 
K20  83 lingered year after year and finally fell from sheer decay. You 
K20  84 told me about the grubby pencilled notes handed over the counter by 
K20  85 urchin children - 2d Grossmith Face powder, 2d Parma Violets (in a 
K20  86 bottle) and 1d Carmine. 'Somebody's going out tonight to earn next 
K20  87 week's rent.'<p/>
K20  88 <p_>"I remember the names of the people you talked about, the 
K20  89 'characters' who were your customers, some of them opium addicts, 
K20  90 others just heavily constipated drudges. The cobbler, Mr 
K20  91 Bullworthy; Ira Bodfish, the tinker; Shem Allit, the wheelwright; 
K20  92 Noah Cooknell, Myrtle Amos, Ronald Blythman. You told me how much 
K20  93 jalap, aloes, and hiera picra (called 'hirapike' by the customers), 
K20  94 all in penny and twopenny packets. How on market day they stood 
K20  95 along the counter three deep, waiting for their purgatives. You 
K20  96 would sell Epsom or Glauber Salts, bicarbonate of soda, cream of 
K20  97 tartar, tartaric acid, linseed oil, turpentine, pickle spice, 
K20  98 turmeric, vinegar and methylated spirits, all to the one customer. 
K20  99 You were lucky if you got ten minutes to grab a sandwich or dash to 
K20 100 the toilet yourself. You said, 'Best purgative in the world is a 
K20 101 war. Nothing like it to unblock the system.'<p/>
K20 102 <p_>"You'd strike up conversations with complete strangers on that 
K20 103 holiday, and then, with an arm over my shoulders and hugging me to 
K20 104 you, you'd tell them, 'This is my son. We're on the loose,' and 
K20 105 you'd giggle. We laughed a lot that week. I suppose it was the 
K20 106 feeling that we were doing something secret and slightly wicked. 
K20 107 Hence my tearaway expression in the slide I just showed you. I felt 
K20 108 important, wanted, almost needed. You'd ask my opinion about 
K20 109 things, and really listen to my answers.<p/>
K20 110 <p_>"Every ride I went on at the fun fair, you came on it with me. 
K20 111 By then you'd won a cowboy hat on a side stall, and you wore that. 
K20 112 'You younger chaps' became your new favourite phrase. 'In my day, 
K20 113 younger chaps like yourself would always have run out of funds by 
K20 114 now. The bank's open, if you'd like to apply for a non-returnable, 
K20 115 interest-free loan.'<p/>
K20 116 <p_>"We'd found a twin-bedded room overlooking the sea in a small 
K20 117 hotel. We got up early and, tired and sunburned, we went to bed 
K20 118 early and just lay there talking until we fell asleep. Every night 
K20 119 I was given a goodnight kiss, and then you'd lie on your back, 
K20 120 looking up at the ceiling and just talk, while I listened and 
K20 121 watched you.<p/>
K20 122 <p_>"You told me about the men you'd known in the army, described 
K20 123 them in detail so I could visualize them. Before that holiday, I'd 
K20 124 never known you describe people so vividly. 'Len came from 
K20 125 Tyneside. Short feller, red haired - that blond red - had a 
K20 126 funny-shaped mole on his hip, just here,' and you pointed to where 
K20 127 the mole had been, remembering Len and involving me. That was what 
K20 128 I had always wanted, to be involved with you. 'If he did anything 
K20 129 wrong, he'd claim he'd been so poor in Civvy Street that his brains 
K20 130 had leaked through a hole in his boots. Or he'd say he'd been born 
K20 131 stupid, and had greatly increased his birthright, and then he'd 
K20 132 just stand there, grinning at you like something from the Funny 
K20 133 Farm.' You remembered so much of what it had been like - the 
K20 134 closeness of the other men, the friendships and grievances, the 
K20 135 skiving off and the fear. You said, 'Then there was Bill, hell of a 
K20 136 big man, six foot four, covered from head to toe in thick glossy 
K20 137 hair like a Grizzly, and stammered something chronic whenever the 
K20 138 Sergeant went near him. It was another world, the only world as far 
K20 139 as we were concerned. If we thought about home it upset us, and 
K20 140 being upset brought everyone else down, so what would have been the 
K20 141 point of that? We had to try to live as though that was our home, a 
K20 142 different kind of home, as though we were a large family - 
K20 143 brothers, cousins - husbands and wives sometimes. We were thrown 
K20 144 together too close in some ways. That's what happens when you don't 
K20 145 know if your time on earth is going to be limited or not. You take 
K20 146 what you can get to make some kind, any kind, of contact. Human 
K20 147 beings adapt in the most extraordinary ways, you know, to crisis. 
K20 148 And if that crisis goes on for years, it's hard for them to 
K20 149 recollect what they were like before. I would have done almost 
K20 150 anything then to improve my chances of staying alive.'<p/>
K20 151 <p_>"I wanted to ask why you never wrote to the men you'd known in 
K20 152 the army, why you never tried to see any of them, but for some 
K20 153 reason I didn't ask. Perhaps I sensed that the reason was there in 
K20 154 what you'd told me, and that some day I'd know what that reason 
K20 155 was.<p/>
K20 156 <p_>"Every morning I was asked, 'What shall we younger chaps do 
K20 157 today? Come on! I didn't spend four years fighting Corporal 
K20 158 Turner's smelly feet so you could lie in bed like Lady Muck.'<p/>
K20 159 <p_>"We found a conch shell in a junk shop. 'Probably from the West 
K20 160 Indies,' you said, 'never been near a British beach. Never mind, 
K20 161 we'll take it to remind us of the fun we had getting to know each 
K20 162 other.' And we sat side by side on the shingle of the beach at 
K20 163 Westward Ho, passing that conch from one to the other, trying to 
K20 164 hear in its depths the far-away West Indian sea, while the real sea 
K20 165 was just in front of us, sucking up the pebbles and spewing them 
K20 166 out again, drowning the sound in the conch shell altogether.<p/>
K20 167 <p_>"It was the best time of my life. I was the happiest I've ever 
K20 168 been.<p/>
K20 169 <p_>"When the week ended, we came back here, but almost before we'd 
K20 170 reached home the closeness we'd achieved on holiday had gone, as 
K20 171 though it would have been embarrassing and out of place in front of 
K20 172 your wife, my mother; she'd not been pleased at our going off 
K20 173 without her. And a few days later I overheard you telling her that 
K20 174 it hadn't been much fun. Poor food and lumpy beds. You told her. 
K20 175 'Not much of a holiday for me,' you said, 'having to keep the lad 
K20 176 occupied. You know how difficult it is to amuse him. But he'd 
K20 177 worked hard in the shop, and I felt I had to do something.'<p/>
K20 178 <p_>"I was ten years old then. It was another ten years before I 
K20 179 realized why you'd found it necessary to say that about our 
K20 180 holiday, ten years of very mixed feelings.
K20 181 
K21   1 <#FLOB:K21\><h_><p_>ADAM MARS-JONES<p/>
K21   2 <p_>BEARS IN MOURNING<p/><h/>
K21   3 <p_>When I think about it, it was terrible the way we behaved when 
K21   4 Victor died. We behaved as if we were ashamed of him, or angry. It 
K21   5 didn't show us at our best -  we didn't cope at all well. We all 
K21   6 knew Victor was 'ill', obviously, but none of us really took on 
K21   7 board how bad things had got.<p/>
K21   8 <p_>He was in the middle of our little group, our sect, but somehow 
K21   9 he got lost all the same. I suppose each of us paid him some token 
K21  10 attention -  his conversation tended to go round in circles, 
K21  11 particularly with the drink -  and then left it to somebody else to 
K21  12 do the real work: supporting him and talking him through the dark 
K21  13 days. He was our brother Bear, but the fraternity didn't do well by 
K21  14 him.<p/>
K21  15 <p_>We Bears are a varied crowd. There's an organist, a social 
K21  16 worker, a travel agent, an osteopath. That's not the full list, of 
K21  17 course, that's off the top of my head. If it wasn't for membership 
K21  18 of the Bear nation we would have nothing in common. Somehow we 
K21  19 always thought that would be enough.<p/>
K21  20 <p_>It's amazing that Victor was able to hold down his job for as 
K21  21 long as he did, but then he'd done it for a long time. He was 
K21  22 working with friends, people who would make allowances. In any case 
K21  23 there was a structure set up, and within limits it ran itself. 
K21  24 Every few months Victor, or rather the company that employed him, 
K21  25 put out the first issue of a magazine devoted to some sure-fire 
K21  26 subject -  French cookery, classic cars, sixties pop. When I say 
K21  27 the first issue, I mean of course Parts One and Two, Part Two 
K21  28 coming free.<p/>
K21  29 <p_>It doesn't take long, with a half-way decent picture 
K21  30 researcher, to get enough stuff from reference books to fill a few 
K21  31 magazine pages. Tasters for future issues take care of the rest. 
K21  32 Part Three never arrives, and maybe people wonder why not. Maybe 
K21  33 they think, shame nobody bought Parts One and Two -  it was such a 
K21  34 good idea. Pity it didn't catch on.<p/>
K21  35 <p_>I used to wonder what would have happened if one of Victor's 
K21  36 magazines had really taken off, had sold and sold off the 
K21  37 news-stands. Would there have come a time when Part Three became 
K21  38 inevitable? I don't think so. I think Victor's employers would have 
K21  39 carried on repackaging their little stack of ideas for ever. With a 
K21  40 little redesign, they could put out the same Parts One and Two 
K21  41 every two years or so. Which they did.<p/>
K21  42 <p_>Victor was prime Bear, Bear absolute. I know I haven't 
K21  43 explained just what a Bear is, and it's not an easy thing to 
K21  44 define. There have always been tubby men, but I can't think they 
K21  45 ever formed a little self-conscious tribe before. <tf|>Tubby isn't 
K21  46 even the right word, but at least it's better than <tf|>chubby. 
K21  47 <tf|>Chubby is hopeless, and <tf|>chubby-chaser is a joke 
K21  48 category.<p/>
K21  49 <p_>To be a Bear you need, let's see, two essential 
K21  50 characteristics, a beard and a bit of flesh to spare, preferably 
K21  51 some body hair. But it's a more mysterious business than that. Some 
K21  52 men will never be Bears however hairy they are, however much 
K21  53 surplus weight they carry. They just look like hairy thin guys 
K21  54 who've let themselves run to seed, thin men who could stand to lose 
K21  55 a few pounds. A true Bear has a wholeness you can't miss -  at 
K21  56 least if you're looking for it.<p/>
K21  57 <p_>It's a great thing to watch a Bear become aware of himself. All 
K21  58 his life he's been made to feel like a lump, and then he meets a 
K21  59 person, and then a whole group, that thinks he's heaven on legs. On 
K21  60 tree-trunk legs. He's been struggling all his life against his 
K21  61 body, and suddenly it's perfect. There have been quite a few lapsed 
K21  62 health-club memberships in our little circle, I can tell you.<p/>
K21  63 <p_>One of them was mine. I remember the first time I was hugged by 
K21  64 a Bear, as a Bear. We were Bear to Bear. I remember how his hand 
K21  65 squeezed my tummy -  <tf|>tummy's a childish word but the others 
K21  66 are worse - and I realized I didn't need to hold it in. He wasn't 
K21  67 looking for a wash-board stomach, the sort you can see in the 
K21  68 magazines. He was happy with a wash-tub stomach like mine. He liked 
K21  69 me just the way I was.<p/>
K21  70 <p_>And Aids, Aids. Where does Aids come into this?<p/>
K21  71 <p_>All of us were involved in the epidemic in some way, socially, 
K21  72 politically, rattling collection buckets at benefit shows if 
K21  73 nothing else. And of course we were all terrified of getting sick. 
K21  74 But that's not what I'm getting at.<p/>
K21  75 <p_>Aids is like the weather. It doesn't cause everything, but the 
K21  76 things it doesn't cause it causes the causes of. So, yes, you'd 
K21  77 think there'd be a link between a group of men who like their 
K21  78 lovers to have a bit of meat on their bones, who like men with 
K21  79 curves, and a disease that makes people shrivel away into a 
K21  80 straight line up and down.<p/>
K21  81 <p_>But I don't really think so. The Bear idea would have happened 
K21  82 with or without Aids. The English language had a hand in it, by 
K21  83 putting the words <tf|>bear and <tf|>beard so close to each other 
K21  84 in the dictionary. Perhaps it's a sexual style that works 
K21  85 differently in other languages. Has anyone in history ever really 
K21  86 enjoyed beards, let alone based a little erotic religion around 
K21  87 them? I suppose Victorian wives were the people in history most 
K21  88 exposed to facial hair, and they weren't in much of a position to 
K21  89 shop around or compare notes.<p/>
K21  90 <p_>The beard is a mystery worn on the face. There are beards of 
K21  91 silk and beards of wire, each with its charge of static, and it 
K21  92 isn't easy to tell them apart without a nuzzle, or at least a touch 
K21  93 of the hand.<p/>
K21  94 <p_>We in our group are great observers of the way a beard shows up 
K21  95 different pigments from the rest of the head hair. Ginger tints are 
K21  96 common; less often, we see magical combinations of darkness and 
K21  97 blondness. Beards age unpredictably, sometimes greying before the 
K21  98 head hair, sometimes retaining a strong shade when all colour has 
K21  99 drained from the scalp. The first frost may appear evenly across 
K21 100 the beard, or locally in the sideboards, or on the chin, or at the 
K21 101 corners of the mouth.<p/>
K21 102 <p_>We in our group are tolerant of tufty beards, wispy beards, 
K21 103 beards with asymmetrical holes. There are beards that Nature more 
K21 104 or less insists on, to cover up her botches. Only a few bearers of 
K21 105 the beard, we feel, positively bring it into disrepute, usually by 
K21 106 reason of fancy razorwork. The beard to us is more than a sexual 
K21 107 trigger, not far short of a sexual organ. Some of us even defend 
K21 108 jazzman beards, goatees, beards that look like a few eyebrows stuck 
K21 109 together. As a group, we particularly admire a beard that rides 
K21 110 high on the cheeks, or one that runs down the neck unshaven.<p/>
K21 111 <p_>Bears don't discriminate against age. It's just the other way 
K21 112 about. We often say that someone is too young for his beard - he'll 
K21 113 have to grow into it.<p/>
K21 114 <p_>A man with a pure-white beard can expect as many looks of 
K21 115 appreciation, still tinged with lust, as someone twenty, thirty 
K21 116 years younger. There are many couples in our group, though few of 
K21 117 them even try to be monogamous, and some of them are made up of 
K21 118 figures who we might describe as Bear and Cub, Daddy Bear and Baby 
K21 119 Bear - but even they don't take their roles very seriously. Neither 
K21 120 of them tries too hard to play the grown-up.<p/>
K21 121 <p_>It's as if in every generation of boy children there are a few 
K21 122 who put their fingers in their ears during tellings of 
K21 123 <tf|>Goldilocks, filtering out the female elements in the story, 
K21 124 until what they are left with is a fuzzy fable of furry sleepers, 
K21 125 of rumpled beds and porridge.<p/>
K21 126 <p_>Every happy period is a sort of childhood, and the last ten 
K21 127 years have been a happy period for the Bears, in spite of 
K21 128 everything.<p/>
K21 129 <p_>So when I say that Victor was an absolute Bear, I meant that he 
K21 130 had pale skin, heavy eyebrows and a startlingly dark beard, full 
K21 131 but trimmed. No human hair is black, even Chinese or Japanese, and 
K21 132 Raven Black hair dye is sold as a cruel joke to people who know no 
K21 133 better, but Victor's came close. He was forty-two or three then, I 
K21 134 suppose, and five foot eight, ideal Bear height. He pointed his 
K21 135 feet out a bit, as if his tummy was a new thing and needed a new 
K21 136 arrangement of posture to balance it.<p/>
K21 137 <p_>We met in a bar. Under artificial light the drama of his 
K21 138 colouring wasn't immediately obvious, and I mistook him for a 
K21 139 German who had been rude to me in another bar a couple of months 
K21 140 before. I suppose my body language expressed a pre-emptive 
K21 141 rejection, which in the event Victor found attractive. After a 
K21 142 while he came over to me and said, <quote_>"You win. You've stared 
K21 143 me down. Let me buy you a drink."<quote/><p/>
K21 144 <p_>I went home with him in his old Rover to Bromley, an 
K21 145 unexpectedly long journey, and a suburban setting that didn't seem 
K21 146 to fit with the man who took me there. Later I learned that this 
K21 147 had been his childhood home. When his mother died, Victor had let 
K21 148 go a West End flat so as to keep his father company. It was a 
K21 149 doomed gesture, as things turned out - one of a series - because 
K21 150 his father soon found some company of his own. The companion may in 
K21 151 fact have dated back to days before Victor's mother died.<p/>
K21 152 <p_>It was late when we arrived at Bromley. I assumed we were alone 
K21 153 in the house, in which case Victor's father was stopping out with 
K21 154 his lady friend, but perhaps he was asleep in a bedroom I didn't 
K21 155 see. If so, he slept soundly, and got up either before or after we 
K21 156 did.<p/>
K21 157 <p_>The bedroom was in chaos, but not knowing Victor it didn't 
K21 158 occur to me to wonder whether it was an ebullient chaos or a 
K21 159 despairing one. There was a big bulletin board on the mantelpiece, 
K21 160 with photographs, letters and business cards pinned up on it, but 
K21 161 there was still an overflow of paper and magazines. There was the 
K21 162 inevitable shelf of Paddingtons, Poohs and koalas, and a single 
K21 163 Snoopy to show breadth of mind.<p/>
K21 164 <p_>Victor wanted first to be hugged and then fucked. He mentioned 
K21 165 that this second desire was a rarity with him, and I could believe 
K21 166 him. He was vague about the location of condoms. Eventually I found 
K21 167 a single protective in a bedside drawer, of an unfamiliar brand 
K21 168 (the writing on the packet seemed to be Dutch) and elderly 
K21 169 appearance. I could find no lubricant that wouldn't dissolve it. I 
K21 170 put it on anyway, to show willing, and lay down on top of Victor. I 
K21 171 enjoyed the heat and mass of the man beneath me; I made only the 
K21 172 most tentative pelvic movements, just vigorous enough to tear the 
K21 173 dry condom. Then Victor remembered that he had some lubricant after 
K21 174 all, under the bed.<p/>
K21 175 <p_>Victor was apologetic about the confusion of our sexual 
K21 176 transaction, but looking back I find it appropriate. He was both in 
K21 177 and out of the world, even then, and he could summon up separately 
K21 178 the elements of love-making, desire, caution, tenderness, but not 
K21 179 string them together.<p/>
K21 180 <p_>At some stage I noticed he was crying, and he went on for over 
K21 181 an hour before he stopped. I hugged him some more, but I cant' say 
K21 182 that I took his distress very seriously. I didn't make anything of 
K21 183 the fact that we didn't have a particularly good time in bed. Good 
K21 184 sex isn't very Bear, somehow. I was already well used to 
K21 185 awkwardness, lapses of concentration, sudden emotional outpourings.
K21 186 
K22   1 <#FLOB:K22\><h_><p_>The notebooks<p/><h/>
K22   2 <p_>She would tell him about the swish of black gaberdine along the 
K22   3 cold flagstones; you could barely see it, she said, except by the 
K22   4 candles, or when the daylight happened through the little arched 
K22   5 leaded windows. Somehow one never looked at the faces of the 
K22   6 sisters, she had said, one always looked down, down at the swishing 
K22   7 habits, often glimpsed rather than seen, in shadowy corners as they 
K22   8 spied upon their charges and then hurried on. Sometimes, alone in 
K22   9 the chapel, you only knew afterwards that you had been seen, as you 
K22  10 became aware of the swirl of heavy fabric against the stone of a 
K22  11 pillar, but looking up, it would have gone.<p/>
K22  12 <p_>When he knew her better, and saw the dresses she made, he felt 
K22  13 that she had translated that dark swishing of her past into 
K22  14 something bright, something you could look at square on instead of 
K22  15 glancing at through lowered eyelashes. These confident wide skirts 
K22  16 that swirled at her shins, she owed them to the nuns, that and the 
K22  17 way she looked up through her eyelashes and never square on. He 
K22  18 found it charming, but never told her so.<p/>
K22  19 <p_>Yesterday, he had suggested that he sleep in the spare room 
K22  20 from now on. Perhaps he had hoped for some response other than her 
K22  21 tacit agreement, but in any case it had not surprised him when she 
K22  22 busied herself in finding fresh sheets and clean blankets. It was 
K22  23 left to him, however, to prepare the room, and it was in moving the 
K22  24 old chest of drawers that had been in the children's playroom, that 
K22  25 he discovered her notebooks.<p/>
K22  26 <p_>At first, he thought they were diaries, dated as they were year 
K22  27 by year, but as he examined them, he realised, with a sort of 
K22  28 shock, that they were of a peculiar kind. For all they contained 
K22  29 was a record of his speech over the years, and only his speech as 
K22  30 it described her. Any passing comment on her looks, her clothes, 
K22  31 her hairstyle had been carefully noted and written down here: 
K22  32 thirty years of marriage summarised in his words, and nothing of 
K22  33 any wit or passion, for he was not given to great expression of 
K22  34 emotion.<p/>
K22  35 <p_>He opened the notebook for 1954, the year they met. They both 
K22  36 worked for one of the big London department stores. He was a junior 
K22  37 manager in ladies' fashions, and she did the alterations, and 
K22  38 sometimes made dresses for private customers. His eyes fell upon: 
K22  39 '6th July. <quote_>"You look nice"<quote/>.' Later, <quote_>"Did 
K22  40 you make that dress yourself?"<quote/> and flicking through he 
K22  41 found '31st October. <quote_>"Your hair looks nice like 
K22  42 that"<quote/>.'<p/>
K22  43 <p_>He replaced the book. His overwhelming feeling was one of 
K22  44 embarrassment, firstly, for having read something so private, even 
K22  45 if it was his wife's, but secondly because ... To find his 
K22  46 awkwardness scrawled across a page like that and to find his 
K22  47 memories of those early courting days, that summer when they would 
K22  48 go out after work and he would watch her emerge from the grime of 
K22  49 the Underground station in a whirl of colour, and it was as if all 
K22  50 the hope that people felt, with no rationing any more, and the 
K22  51 shops being full again, and you didn't have to scrimp and save, and 
K22  52 there she was swathed in some creation that she had sewed herself 
K22  53 with masses of heavy fabric - it was all summed up in this vision, 
K22  54 and he wanted to say she was beautiful, that she was his new life, 
K22  55 their new life together ...<p/>
K22  56 <p_>He had said only You Look Nice, and he couldn't now remember 
K22  57 even saying that; and yet she had written it down, treasured it, 
K22  58 clutched it to herself. Or had she done so simply out of a need for 
K22  59 order, to chart and classify the course of their courting, all 
K22  60 those magic moments encased in utterances of pure banality?<p/>
K22  61 <p_>Or worse, a sense of irony. Perhaps she knew she was beautiful, 
K22  62 she knew the effect of her appearance, perhaps she felt she 
K22  63 deserved to be told a hundred times that she was magnificent, 
K22  64 glorious, and so his painful You Look Nice had been cruelly 
K22  65 recorded for posterity? Yet there was nothing of this about her, 
K22  66 and even the slow decline in their marriage was without malice. He 
K22  67 suspected that she thought he had been unfaithful; he hadn't, but 
K22  68 how could he tell her so without arousing suspicion? In silence 
K22  69 they had become strangers.<p/>
K22  70 <p_>The notebooks, however, were eloquent. Bare of all descriptions 
K22  71 (it was left to him to remember the contest and location of his 
K22  72 utterances which seemed, as he read, to grow in confidence), they 
K22  73 continued:<p/>
K22  74 <p_>14th March 1956 (they had been married ten months): 
K22  75 <quote_>"You're lovely"<quote/>. 18th August 1956: <quote_>"You 
K22  76 look smashing in pink"<quote/>. Later, <quote_>"Are you a little 
K22  77 thinner these days?"<quote/> - and as the years passed, 
K22  78 <quote_>"You look good enough to eat"<quote_>; <quote_>"You look 
K22  79 all tousled"<quote/>; <quote_>"Pregnancy suits you"<quote/>; 
K22  80 <quote_>"I love you"<quote/>; <quote_>"You do look funny like 
K22  81 that"<quote/>; <quote_>"You're my life"<quote/>; <quote_>"You're a 
K22  82 beautiful mother"<quote/>; <quote_>"She's as pretty as her 
K22  83 mum"<quote/>; and at some point, on holiday: <quote_>"You ought to 
K22  84 wear that swimsuit every day ..."<quote/><p/>
K22  85 <p_>Reading it now, this catalogue of everyday intimacy, he lost 
K22  86 his unease. This rose-tinted summary of their early married life, 
K22  87 although devoid of any context, gave him a voice that he'd never 
K22  88 had. These funny little sayings strung together became a whole, a 
K22  89 charm bracelet of his feeling for her.<p/>
K22  90 <p_>Then she began to write the painful things; he described her as 
K22  91 blowzy (he couldn't remember that either, though he thought of it 
K22  92 as one of her words). <quote_>"You neglect your 
K22  93 appearance"<quote/>; <quote_>"Why can't you look like 
K22  94 that?"<quote/>; <quote_>"No one would believe you're only 
K22  95 35"<quote/>. It recalled to him this era in their life together. 
K22  96 Having withstood the holy sisters for so many years, having been 
K22  97 joyful and pretty, revelling in the clothes she made for herself 
K22  98 just like those she made for her customers and for the children, it 
K22  99 was as if that heavy black drapery had caught up with her. She 
K22 100 appeared weighted down, her eyes lowered, no longer daring even to 
K22 101 peek upwards. She had atrophied under his gaze.<p/>
K22 102 <p_>It was strange to feel remorse for something he had not done, 
K22 103 but here was his crime. Her growing silence in their marriage had 
K22 104 been accompanied, it seemed, by an ever-increasing torrent of words 
K22 105 from him. <quote_>"Why don't you try a bit harder?"<quote/>; 
K22 106 <quote_>"You could go out more"<quote/>; <quote_>"You look funny 
K22 107 like that"<quote/>; <quote_>"What about all those lovely clothes 
K22 108 you used to make? You could do that again."<quote/> Each comment 
K22 109 was dutifully transcribed; and finally, here we were in 1976, a few 
K22 110 years ago, <quote_>"Doesn't anything mean anything to you any 
K22 111 more?"<quote/><p/>
K22 112 <p_>That was the last comment of the last notebook; and it was one 
K22 113 he remembered. He realised, at last, that this had all been said in 
K22 114 an urge to help, and what seemed like a tirade against a worthless 
K22 115 woman to him had been careful, if awkward attempts to bring her 
K22 116 back to the world, back to him; failed attempts. The notebook for 
K22 117 1977 was blank. There were none at all for subsequent years; over 
K22 118 ten years of silence.<p/>
K22 119 <p_>He felt angry. He found himself returning once more to the 
K22 120 books which recorded the middle years of their marriage, when their 
K22 121 two children were growing up, and when, it seemed, his comments had 
K22 122 become negative. Here was one, January 1969. <quote_>"You could 
K22 123 make an effort, you know, you could look much younger than you 
K22 124 do."<quote/> How differently he remembered that time, their boy had 
K22 125 won a place at the grammar school, their daughter was learning the 
K22 126 piano, and they were happy, he knew they had been happy then. Yet 
K22 127 the only record she kept was an odd comment that he probably didn't 
K22 128 even mean. These passing references to her hairstyle, her clothes, 
K22 129 conveyed nothing. He recalled her gracefulness; another thing 
K22 130 bequeathed by the nuns, and uprightness of posture that comes from 
K22 131 being clad in black from top to toe. He knew he had never seen her 
K22 132 the way she described and was angry with her for her selfishness, 
K22 133 for being so wrong.<p/>
K22 134 <p_>They had been happy, and even in their silence there had been a 
K22 135 companionship. It was her fault if it had changed; her fault if he 
K22 136 had to sleep in the spare room from now on.<p/>
K22 137 <p_>He put the book into his pocket, then packed all the others 
K22 138 carefully away, and went downstairs to where she was watching the 
K22 139 television news. He placed the book on the table in front of her, 
K22 140 looking hard at her. She glanced at it, then back to the screen.<p/>
K22 141 <p_><quote_>"I found them,"<quote/> he said.<p/>
K22 142 <p_>She said nothing. His anger took him by surprise, and he turned 
K22 143 down the sound on the television.<p/>
K22 144 <p_><quote_>"I said, I found them. What were you thinking 
K22 145 of?"<quote/><p/>
K22 146 <p_><quote_>"They're only my notebooks,"<quote/> she said 
K22 147 defensively. <quote_>"And anyway, you shouldn't have read 
K22 148 them."<quote/><p/>
K22 149 <p_>A jumble of words came to him, but he was unaccustomed to such 
K22 150 feelings of resentment, and all he could say was, <quote_>"You just 
K22 151 didn't listen, did you?"<quote/><p/>
K22 152 <p_>The bitterness behind his voice surprised her. She looked at 
K22 153 him, but could think of nothing to say, and after a while turned 
K22 154 the sound up again. He stood awkwardly by the window looking out 
K22 155 onto the blackness of their patio, he could see nothing beyond. 
K22 156 Once he turned towards her, wanting to say <quote_>"If only I could 
K22 157 have said the right things"<quote/> ... something like that. But 
K22 158 the silence defeated him, and eventually he went upstairs to 
K22 159 bed.<p/>
K22 160 <p_>She switched off the television and seeing the notebook he had 
K22 161 left, picked it up. It occurred to her that she had never re-read 
K22 162 the later ones. The early ones were well thumbed, and she liked to 
K22 163 read the things he had said. But these critical comments, on her 
K22 164 ageing, on her appearance, seemed to chart too well the decline of 
K22 165 her marriage. Once the children had grown up it was as if she no 
K22 166 longer knew what she was for any more. It was clear that he too 
K22 167 thought she had nothing more to offer, and he would say she looked 
K22 168 old, or she looked funny, or how she could do more with her 
K22 169 life.<p/>
K22 170 <p_>Her eye fell on an entry: 'You've grown into yourself, you 
K22 171 know.' She wondered what he had meant, and checked the date on the 
K22 172 notebook. What had he seen when he looked at her then? Were they 
K22 173 doing the garden? Was it one evening when the children were in bed, 
K22 174 and did he look up suddenly and see her, a woman of nearly 40, 
K22 175 looking dowdy and blowzy and familiar? She had feared the 
K22 176 familiarity most of all, in case it meant that rather than see her 
K22 177 and judge her he would cease to see her altogether. Yet he had 
K22 178 said, she had grown into herself; and perhaps he had always seen 
K22 179 her, all this time, perhaps his comments had never been judgments 
K22 180 but simply what he saw.<p/>
K22 181 <p_>A wave passed over her, some feeling that had no name. It felt 
K22 182 like an ending, but they would continue as they were, she supposed, 
K22 183 in this silence that people called companionable, yet which to her 
K22 184 now appeared unbearable. In a rush of feeling she went upstairs to 
K22 185 pack away the book once and for all, and was over the threshold 
K22 186 before she remembered that this was now his room. She paused, 
K22 187 standing in the doorway, imagining him seeing her now, a familiar 
K22 188 shadow against the lighted doorway, and was reminded of 
K22 189 something.<p/>
K22 190 <p_>She ventured to the chest of drawers, and taking up the very 
K22 191 last notebook, which contained no words at all, she turned to the 
K22 192 back page. There, taped inside, were two small squares of material. 
K22 193 One was black gaberdine; the other was a bright floral cotton. She 
K22 194 stood, remembering the dress in the sunshine, aware of him awake in 
K22 195 the room behind her now.<p/>
K22 196 
K23   1 <#FLOB:K23\><h_><p_>Baby Love<p/>
K23   2 <p_>JULIE BURCHILL<p/><h/>
K23   3 <p_><quote_>"THERE THERE,"<quote/> SHE said, as she stroked his 
K23   4 bulging brow. <quote_>"Poor baby. Brave little soldier. Who's a 
K23   5 brave little soldier for Mama?"<quote/><p/>
K23   6 <p_>Baby pointed a wobbly finger at his chest, not trusting his 
K23   7 quivering lips to transmit the message. He lay across the bed, damp 
K23   8 and distressed, a casualty of his own luxuriant daring.<p/>
K23   9 <p_>Baby had been showing off when disaster struck; bouncing on the 
K23  10 bed before attempting a death-defying leap on to the sofa. He had 
K23  11 slipped and hurt his ankle; she had bestowed a magic-mend kiss. 
K23  12 Baby had been well pleased.<p/>
K23  13 <p_><quote_>"Baby have new hurt,"<quote/> he announced now. 
K23  14 <quote_>"Kiss better."<quote/><p/>
K23  15 <p_><quote_>"Oh? Where?"<quote/><p/>
K23  16 <p_>Baby laughed; not his normal shrill squeal but a deep, dirty 
K23  17 cackle, a dead ringer for that of Sid James contemplating Barbara 
K23  18 Windsor's bosom. He lowered his pyjama bottoms to display a fully 
K23  19 erect nine-inch penis, looking like something matrons from Montana 
K23  20 would ooh and ahh over at Stonehenge.<p/>
K23  21 <p_><quote|>"There!" Baby cackled, grabbing her head and thrusting 
K23  22 it up against his groin.<p/>
K23  23 <p_>Maria awoke to <tf_>The Wonderful World of Disney<tf/> blaring 
K23  24 from the cable channel. Daniel lay on the sofa on his stomach, 
K23  25 naked, a joint dangling from his lips and a can of cola fizzing in 
K23  26 his hand, sniggering at the antics of a posse of unlikely mice.<p/>
K23  27 <p_>She groaned, pulling the pillow over her head. Then peeping 
K23  28 out, she cased the room in one short guilty sweep, like a 
K23  29 shoplifter sizing up her prey. My God, she thought, what a 
K23  30 <tf|>mess.<p/>
K23  31 <p_>Now they were on the point of packing up and checking out, she 
K23  32 could visualise the room as it had been the day they arrived; with 
K23  33 cleanliness crackling like static from its fittings and fixtures, a 
K23  34 room which seemed to hum, smug with satisfaction, at its ersatz 
K23  35 elegance. It now looked as if a legion of Roman emperors, pursued 
K23  36 by a package tour of heavy metal groups, had passed through it.<p/>
K23  37 <p_>It had been a whole seven days ago when Maria and Daniel 
K23  38 arrived in Brighton; it now seemed like nothing more than a slice 
K23  39 of morning, a scoop of afternoon and a creamy dream<?_>-<?/>topping 
K23  40 of night. They had dropped their suitcases and sat bouncing on the 
K23  41 big bed, inarticulate with glee at having escaped London - she 
K23  42 exclaiming over the delights of a room service, he in ecstasy over 
K23  43 the offerings of the 24-hour cable TV. Soon two separate tables 
K23  44 groaned <quote|>"Enough!" under the weight of their very different 
K23  45 KP rations; champagne and cola, smoked salmon and Smarties, 
K23  46 Camembert and crisps, Rioja and Ribena, hot black coffee in silver 
K23  47 pots and a rainbow of Italian ice cream in silver dishes. The TV 
K23  48 stared blankly at the food.<p/>
K23  49 <p_>Out came the cocaine; on went the Do Not Disturb sign; off came 
K23  50 their clothes. Everything else could wait.<p/>
K23  51 <p_>On the train back to London he was silent. Sulkiness thickened 
K23  52 the air like pollen, making her feel sleepy. He sighed ceaselessly 
K23  53 and kicked his feet against the opposite seat. She didn't ask what 
K23  54 the matter was; she knew the answer.<p/>
K23  55 <p_>Last night, as they had walked back from the Palace Pier to the 
K23  56 Grand, he had said, <quote_>"Maria - I don't want to go home. Let's 
K23  57 stay here. We could, you know. Just stay. Just carry on having fun. 
K23  58 There's a million things we haven't done yet."<quote/><p/>
K23  59 <p_>She hugged him. She had always adored his enthusiasm.<p/>
K23  60 <p_><quote_>"I'm not joking. We could have a brilliant 
K23  61 time."<quote/><p/>
K23  62 <p_>This was Daniel's Holy Grail; the ultimate Brilliant Time. She 
K23  63 felt like a wet blanket damping the bonfire of his hedonism as she 
K23  64 recited the rules and regulations of adulthood - work, money and 
K23  65 mortgage. Daniel considered her answer thoughtfully. Then he 
K23  66 puckered up the lips that had made grown men plead and beg on two 
K23  67 continents, and, having carefully weighed the two viewpoints, he 
K23  68 replied with a measured, moist raspberry.<p/>
K23  69 <p_>On the mat Maria found a welcome-home present; a letter 
K23  70 confirming her promotion to the post of editorial director of Metro 
K23  71 Books plc. Gotcha! she snickered to herself, not wanting to flaunt 
K23  72 her triumph in mixed company. For she was successful, and Daniel 
K23  73 was unsuccessful; and that was about as mixed as it got these 
K23  74 days.<p/>
K23  75 <p_>Her success could so easily remind him of his latest failure. 
K23  76 Only a month ago he had auditioned for a part in a primetime 
K23  77 hospital drama that could have taken his career off the critical 
K23  78 list once and for all. When the bad news came, he simply shrugged 
K23  79 and said, <quote_>"That's cool. Something will turn up."<quote/><p/>
K23  80 <p_>It did; a demand from the Inland Revenue for pounds40,000 in 
K23  81 back taxes. Daniel's past was forever on his trail, like David 
K23  82 Janssen chasing the one-armed man in <tf_>The Fugitive<tf/>. It 
K23  83 sniffed after him like a bloodhound after a bitch or a burglar. 
K23  84 After many false leads, letters were constantly scratching at the 
K23  85 door of Maria's flat, addressed to Daniel: unpaid parking tickets, 
K23  86 library-book reminders, determinedly cheerful postcards from old 
K23  87 girlfriends. He looked at them all with the same absent-minded 
K23  88 frown; as though someone else should have taken care of it.<p/>
K23  89 <p_><quote_>"You're the most babyish man I know,"<quote/> she 
K23  90 teased him one night in bed.<p/>
K23  91 <p_><quote_>"Babyish, <foreign|>moi?"<quote/> he said, taking her 
K23  92 nipple into his mouth.<p/>
K23  93 <p_>In the beginning it had been part of his charm. But now she 
K23  94 couldn't help wondering if it had all gone a bit too far.<p/>
K23  95 <p_>It was she who had started it, calling him Bad Baby in 
K23  96 affectionate recognition of his inability to function outside the 
K23  97 plush playpen of her apartment. The way the label always hung out 
K23  98 of his sweater; the way she couldn't take him out to dinner without 
K23  99 taking his clothes to the dry cleaner the morning after; the way 
K23 100 his attempts at DIY turned the air blue and his thumbs purple. He 
K23 101 called her Mama because of the effortless efficiency with which she 
K23 102 did everything; she made life look like ice-dancing, a smooth glide 
K23 103 to a full-marks finish. She was the grown-up he would never be; 
K23 104 even though he was 31 and she was 26.<p/>
K23 105 <p_>Mama and Baby games became a way of erasing their separate 
K23 106 pasts. It also smoothed out the differences between them in the 
K23 107 here and now. Only by shedding their old selves could they be born 
K23 108 again with each other, tender enough to touch.<p/>
K23 109 <p_>Men were all big babies anyway, reasoned Maria as they went 
K23 110 deeper into their private world. But Daniel was more honest than 
K23 111 most. He could laugh at himself.<p/>
K23 112 <p_>Soon after he moved in with her, they stopped seeing people. 
K23 113 Every night when she got home from work at seven, he'd be in bed. 
K23 114 She would drop her clothes on the floor and join him. After three 
K23 115 hours of sex they would order in pizza, open a good red, play 
K23 116 boardgames, watch TV with the sound off and the Velvet Underground 
K23 117 blasting, smoke dope and snort coke till around three, all the 
K23 118 while singing their own songs and speaking their own language. 
K23 119 Maria was mystified as to why everyone didn't live this way, just 
K23 120 pigging out on pure pleasure; mystified as to why she had spent so 
K23 121 many evenings standing up in crowded rooms with a glass of cheap 
K23 122 white wine in her hand, being bored by masters of the art, when she 
K23 123 could have been staying in, enjoying herself. But then, how could 
K23 124 she have done it before she had Daniel? He had given her back her 
K23 125 youth; helped her shut out the dreary adult world of dinner 
K23 126 parties, blind dates, barbecues, house prices and holiday plans - 
K23 127 all those sad adult pleasures, all those envious adult 
K23 128 responsibilities which tried to make their love sit up straight, 
K23 129 stop playing with itself and <tf|>behave.<p/>
K23 130 <p_>On her first day at her new job, he called her at work. 
K23 131 <quote_>"I just called to say I love you,"<quote/> he sang.<p/>
K23 132 <p_><quote_>"Okay baby, that's enough,"<quote/> she said on the 
K23 133 third call.<p/>
K23 134 <p_>When he called again, demanding that she sing him his favourite 
K23 135 song, <tf_>You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby<tf/>, she hung up. 
K23 136 When she returned from lunch, her secretary Jill said, <quote_>"Oh, 
K23 137 Maria - you had six calls. From a Mr Bad Baby."<quote/><p/>
K23 138 <p_><quote_>"Oh? And did Mr Bad Baby leave any message?"<quote/> 
K23 139 Maria asked, trying to sound as cool and casual as was humanly 
K23 140 possible for one covered from head to toe in a scalding red stain 
K23 141 of agony.<p/>
K23 142 <p_><quote_>"Yes. He said ..."<quote/> Jill consulted her note pad, 
K23 143 making no attempt to hide the relish she took in her boss's acute 
K23 144 embarrassment. <quote_>"Ah, here it is. He said, 'Tell Mommy Bunny 
K23 145 that Bad Baby doesn't love her any more.'"<quote/><p/>
K23 146 <p_><quote_>"Thank you, Jill,"<quote/> said Maria calmly. She was 
K23 147 just about to gain sanctuary behind the safety of her own door when 
K23 148 Jill said clearly, <quote_>"If Mr Bad Baby phones again, should I 
K23 149 give him a message from Mommy Bunny?"<quote/><p/>
K23 150 <p_><quote|>"Yes," said Maria, turning to her tormentor. 
K23 151 <quote_>"Tell Mr Bad Baby to grow up."<quote/><p/>
K23 152 <p_>At her desk, Maria tossed a coin to decide between sobbing and 
K23 153 screaming. She should have pretended that Mr Bad Baby was just some 
K23 154 unknown pervert! In ten minutes, the story would plummet down from 
K23 155 her penthouse through the building like an elevator out of 
K23 156 control.<p/>
K23 157 <p_>As it happened, she was wrong. The coin fell to the floor and 
K23 158 she was on her knees under her desk peering at it when Suzy from 
K23 159 Publicity popped her head round the door, only five minutes later. 
K23 160 <quote_>"Hi. Has Mommy Bunny got a minute to discuss publication 
K23 161 scheduling?"<quote/><p/>
K23 162 <p_>Daniel was in bed when she got home. The room was strewn with 
K23 163 cola cans, sweet wrappers and comics. <quote|>"Mama!" he cried, 
K23 164 holding his arms out for a hug.<p/>
K23 165 <p_><quote_>"Don't ever do that to me again!"<quote/><p/>
K23 166 <p_><quote|>"Why?" he squealed, panic pinging across his face and 
K23 167 voice like a ping pong ball across a table.<p/>
K23 168 <p_><quote_>"Because it's bloody embarrassing!"<quote/><p/>
K23 169 <p_><quote|>"But ..." He burst into tears. She was horrified. 
K23 170 <quote_>"Can't you take a joke anymore? Can't you?"<quote/> he 
K23 171 shouted defiantly.<p/>
K23 172 <p_><quote_>"Yes. But not in public. Do you understand that there 
K23 173 is a difference?"<quote/><p/>
K23 174 <p_><quote|>"Yes!" he snapped back, and went into the sitting room 
K23 175 to play with his train set.<p/>
K23 176 <p_>Sometimes Maria wondered whether he was waving or drowning. It 
K23 177 was so very hard to tell. He didn't <tf|>seem to be worried about 
K23 178 his life; that he was now grid-locked in the outer suburbs of 
K23 179 youth, that his trust fund was drier than a good martini and that 
K23 180 he hadn't worked in six months.<p/>
K23 181 <p_>He'd been born into a minor showbiz dynasty and been a hot 
K23 182 child movie star for a season during one of their temporary moves 
K23 183 to Los Angeles. After a string of flops, his family returned to 
K23 184 England.<p/>
K23 185 <p_>In the mid-seventies, the teenage Daniel was considered by the 
K23 186 demimonde to be 'the most beautiful boy in London'. The capital was 
K23 187 a soft city then, and a boy with his beauty and charm could ride 
K23 188 the perfect pleasure wave of parties, premieres and people for a 
K23 189 thousand and one crazy nights, working now and then - a play on the 
K23 190 fringe one year, a film on the Riviera the next. For years he was 
K23 191 considered 'a promising actor' - though one jealous wag said this 
K23 192 was <quote_>"because he's always promising to sleep with 
K23 193 directors"<quote/>. Some also muttered that he was <quote_>"a fag 
K23 194 of convenience"<quote/>. But his beauty and charm were enough to 
K23 195 lift him up above such pettiness. Until the eighties, that is. In 
K23 196 the eighties, something happened.<p/>
K23 197 <p_>Slowly but surely, all his crazy actor friends were cleaning up 
K23 198 their acts; quitting drugs, drinking spritzers, marrying Born Again 
K23 199 Christians, having children, moving to smallholdings in Surrey - 
K23 200 <tf_>working hard<tf/>. They gave him big hugs, but little time. 
K23 201 Only the unemployed had time to play these days.<p/>
K23 202 <p_>He had never been a fireball of blind ambition, and Maria liked 
K23 203 that. Men on the make repelled her; their passion went into their 
K23 204 projects, rendering them humourless and diminishing their capacity 
K23 205 for extra-curricular fun. She was ambitious - but only because of 
K23 206 the freedom success could buy.<p/>
K23 207 
K24   1 <#FLOB:K24\><h_><p_>BAD CONNECTION<p/>
K24   2 <p_>Linda Waterman<p/><h/>
K24   3 <p_>Prologue<p/>
K24   4 <p_>10th May, 1941<p/>
K24   5 <p_>THE MESSERSCHMIDT 110 wheeled and the man who was pretending to 
K24   6 be Rudolf Hess found himself looking down on Renfrewshire. He 
K24   7 repeated the difficult word conscientiously several times. Although 
K24   8 his English was good, there had always been few opportunities to 
K24   9 practise of late; besides, he must remember that he had finished 
K24  10 his education at Landsberg of all places, not at Oxford as had 
K24  11 originally been intended.<p/>
K24  12 <p_>There was very little fuel left now and the gauge flickered 
K24  13 around empty. He had lost his pursuers some time ago. They had 
K24  14 never been so concerned to follow him as to endanger themselves in 
K24  15 any way. It was obvious his was a suicide mission. He was relieved 
K24  16 to have given them the slip. He knew that soon he would have to 
K24  17 bale out and now he would not have to worry about being 
K24  18 machine-gunned from above.<p/>
K24  19 <p_>He did not remember the actual jump. He must have gone through 
K24  20 the preparations in a daze. He lost consciousness at least once on 
K24  21 the way down. When he came to again he could see flames somewhere 
K24  22 off to his left. A few seconds later he hit the ground. It was a 
K24  23 bad fall. A stab of pain went through his ankle. It must be broken. 
K24  24 <foreign_>Alles in ordnung.<foreign/><p/>
K24  25 <p_>He was not sorry to see the farmer, even though he was carrying 
K24  26 a pitchfork. It was not part of the plan to remain undetected for 
K24  27 long. He got to his feet and began to draw from his inside breast 
K24  28 pocket the photographs he had brought. He called something friendly 
K24  29 and, limping forward reached out a steady hand.<p/>
K24  30 <p_><quote_>"I have come today from Augsburg, via Munich. I have no 
K24  31 weapons."<quote/> He spoke slowly and clearly as he had been 
K24  32 taught. His bearing was haughty.<p/>
K24  33 <p_><quote_>"Or bombs."<quote/> He spread his arms wide and tried 
K24  34 to look self-deprecating.<p/>
K24  35 <p_>The farmer stared at him, or rather at a place slightly to the 
K24  36 right of his eyes, as if expecting dozens of airborne troops to 
K24  37 emerge from behind him.<p/>
K24  38 <p_><quote_>"My name is Alfred Horn."<quote/> the pilot said, 
K24  39 nodding vigorously several times, as if to allay the farmer's 
K24  40 doubts. They began to walk slowly, in Indian file, back towards the 
K24  41 low, whitewashed farmhouse. The parachutist did not have to 
K24  42 exaggerate his limp.<p/>
K24  43 <p_><quote_>"Would you like a cup of tea?"<quote/> the farmer 
K24  44 asked.<p/>
K24  45 <p_><quote_>"I would enjoy water." Horn replied.<p/>
K24  46 
K24  47 <p_>Forty years later<p/>
K24  48 
K24  49 <p_>Rudolf was dreaming that he was in England. Well, not in 
K24  50 England, so much as over it. The plane had banked steeply and he 
K24  51 had his first glimpse of the English coast. Were those the White 
K24  52 Cliffs? Even from a window seat he couldn't have been sure. He 
K24  53 tried to stretch his stiff legs out into the aisle without moving 
K24  54 his torso. They ached but there was no room to flex the muscles. He 
K24  55 was half awake now and he allowed his mind to wander. Planes, he 
K24  56 thought crossly, were built for one legged travellers. They could 
K24  57 sit on either side of the gangway in comfort in matching pairs. And 
K24  58 the legless ones would be assigned the window seats as a 
K24  59 consolation. That was only fair. The plane's engines were making a 
K24  60 strange, repetitive noise. Maybe they were going to land soon.<p/>
K24  61 <p_><tf_>Rudolf wakes but does not open his eyes immediately. It 
K24  62 was the rhythm of the train that had sent him off to sleep in the 
K24  63 first place. Teresa is lying across his legs, calm and relaxed but 
K24  64 watchful. He notices that her skirt is drawn up immodestly high. He 
K24  65 reaches over and smoothes it down across her thin thighs. She 
K24  66 laughs and immediately pulls it higher, coquettishly. He does not 
K24  67 push it back. Otherwise it would become a game. He closes his eyes 
K24  68 to signify that he will not play.<tf/><p/>
K24  69 <p_>It was strange how even in dreams he never got into England. 
K24  70 He'd been many times to France and after all it wasn't far across 
K24  71 the Channel. But he'd gone in completely the opposite direction, 
K24  72 flying half way round the world, and staying longer than anyone 
K24  73 could have predicted. Even after all this time he could clearly 
K24  74 remember his arrival in Peru. He had left Europe for a new world 
K24  75 and found a clean, new Rudolf. It had seemed like the best day of 
K24  76 his whole life.<p/>
K24  77 <p_>Outside the airport the air had been like hot flannels. There 
K24  78 was a small boy on the sidewalk selling melons. He'd cut one into 
K24  79 sections, and held a piece up to the European traveller. Rudolf was 
K24  80 moved. The child could have no idea who he was and still, 
K24  81 spontaneously, he was giving him something for nothing. The sweet 
K24  82 smell made Rudolf feel lightheaded, almost faint. He had never 
K24  83 tasted anything like it. The boy had looked up at him showing his 
K24  84 teeth, confident, assured, happy. People in Europe didn't look like 
K24  85 that any more. Rudolf could still see his face in his mind's eye. 
K24  86 Or was that some other boy? He discovered now that what he really 
K24  87 remembered from then was not the boy or the place but his own 
K24  88 extraordinary sense of well-being; pure joy welling up, running 
K24  89 down his chin like sweet juice.<p/>
K24  90 <p_>He calculated the years that separated him from that day, 
K24  91 moving his lips silently. A. had always teased him about that 
K24  92 counting. Peasant's reckoning he had called it. Out of caution, 
K24  93 even when he talked to himself, Rudolf still referred to him as A. 
K24  94 What he had felt for A. had been love. But that word was never 
K24  95 mentioned. Instead they had talked of Cameraderie. Brotherhood. 
K24  96 Loyalty. That was more the sort of thing really. And he hadn't been 
K24  97 the only one. Far from it. A. had drawn young men about him, like 
K24  98 lemmings. Of course many had come later, for the glory. But Rudolf 
K24  99 had been his from the First War. They were David and Jonathan, 
K24 100 Hagen and Gunther. He'd thought at the time that this would be the 
K24 101 love of his life. Not that you could say such things then. Today's 
K24 102 men wore bracelets and grew their hair as long as they liked. It 
K24 103 was ironic that now, when it didn't matter to him any more, it 
K24 104 seemed that it no longer mattered to anyone else either. In those 
K24 105 days everything had been different. They'd been so stiff - arms, 
K24 106 legs, and thoughts moving rigidly in sections like an old jerky 
K24 107 film, all in sepia tones, with brown the predominant colour. Even 
K24 108 his car had been brown he remembered. Had that been deliberate? He 
K24 109 couldn't be sure now. All he knew was that the Mercedes had been 
K24 110 his only indulgence.<p/>
K24 111 <p_>Later, he was all for indulgence. The southern warmth relaxed 
K24 112 him, reminding him of his Egyptian childhood. But it wasn't just 
K24 113 that he felt young again. It had to do with personalities too. A. 
K24 114 had made it impossible really to love anyone else. He was all too 
K24 115 pervasive. There was nothing of Rudolf left over. Like Montaigne 
K24 116 after La Bo<*_>e-acute<*/>tie, he'd discovered that life went on, 
K24 117 with or without the loved one. As time went by he had been 
K24 118 surprised to realise that to an outsider other things in his life 
K24 119 seem as important as the all-consuming passion with A.<p/>
K24 120 <p_><tf_>Rudolf knows he should feel safe in the train. He is 
K24 121 making food his escape after all. Every mile they travel takes him 
K24 122 that much further away from retribution, recrimination, 
K24 123 repatriation. But instead the train seems to echo those very words 
K24 124 over and over again and he has the impression that wherever it 
K24 125 stops it will deliver him straight into the waiting arms of his 
K24 126 pursuers. Which is ridiculous because aren't they behind 
K24 127 him?<tf/><p/>
K24 128 <p_>Maria had been a continuation of his story as well as a new 
K24 129 beginning. He'd met her in a mountain town in Ecuador where the 
K24 130 buildings looked like blocks of pink and vanilla ice cream melting 
K24 131 in the sun and the air was so thin it made you gasp. He'd been 
K24 132 fascinated by her boyish plainness. She reminded him of the Indians 
K24 133 he'd seen from the train, wrapped in brightly coloured blankets, 
K24 134 placid and self-absorbed. There was an air of stillness, almost of 
K24 135 tiredness about her large, brown face and heavy eyelids. In her 
K24 136 room she had love stories translated from the American, where the 
K24 137 central characters said things like <quote_>"Hello you."<quote/> 
K24 138 when they were alone together and the men were always tilting the 
K24 139 women's chins up to kiss them. By now Rudolf's Spanish was quite 
K24 140 good enough to allow him to understand all this. Over the bed there 
K24 141 hung a set of wind chimes, unvarnished clay bells arranged in a 
K24 142 simple spiral with plain white pot beads for clappers. Like a child 
K24 143 he lay and looked at them and when the breeze stirred he waited 
K24 144 breathlessly for their music to begin.<p/>
K24 145 <p_>She got herself pregnant almost immediately. Neither spoke of 
K24 146 it, as if the child had nothing to do with them but to his surprise 
K24 147 her thickening waist and stately, straight-backed walk began to 
K24 148 give him a real pleasure.<p/>
K24 149 <p_><tf_>He supposes the guard will come round soon to check on his 
K24 150 guests. His prisoners more like. You couldn't trust these people. 
K24 151 Not an inch. How humiliating to ride like this <}_><-|>is<+|>in<}/> 
K24 152 a cattle truck. They didn't have access to even the most basic 
K24 153 facilities. Maria had noticed the bucket in the corner when they 
K24 154 first climbed up into the wagon and with a reproachful look to 
K24 155 Rudolf, had wordlessly steered the children into the corner 
K24 156 furthest away from it.<tf/><p/>
K24 157 <p_>Meanwhile, his compatriots had found him a job as a Security 
K24 158 Consultant. He knew very little about security work but then he 
K24 159 didn't actually have to do much. His status seemed to be enough for 
K24 160 the Company. Of course, he was using a different name but they 
K24 161 dropped hints now and again to important clients about his ranking. 
K24 162 Word was put around, discreetly, to trusted friends here and there. 
K24 163 It was quite safe. He was assured that the Company's standing had 
K24 164 risen considerably since his recruitment. It was a big 
K24 165 international with branches in many countries. Someone had once 
K24 166 told him that they had six million customers, worldwide. Six 
K24 167 million! It seemed incredible. For himself, he didn't believe 
K24 168 it.<p/>
K24 169 <p_>In the office everyone spoke German. Everywhere was painted in 
K24 170 gleaming white. It almost hurt his eyes. And they had the most up 
K24 171 to date office equipment. It could just as well have been 
K24 172 M<*_>u-umlaut<*/>nchen. Natives guarded the street doors, and 
K24 173 stopped other natives coming in, except on business or first thing 
K24 174 in the mornings to sweep up and empty the wastepaper baskets. All 
K24 175 the employees were German.<p/>
K24 176 <p_><tf_>Maria is asleep now, her heads<&|>sic! nodding on her 
K24 177 bosom in the time to the rocking motion of the train. Behind her 
K24 178 the foothills are a patchwork of fields littered with corrugated 
K24 179 iron shacks.<tf/><p/>
K24 180 <p_>She had had two children in quick succession. Neither of them 
K24 181 seemed to resemble him in the slightest with their brown eyes and 
K24 182 broad, flattish noses. Yet they were good natured and bright and 
K24 183 from the start he'd been closer to them than to his eldest son back 
K24 184 home. Their lithe, olive bodies delighted him. They were not like 
K24 185 the children of an old man at all. Sometimes he even bathed them. 
K24 186 He wondered about A.'s reaction to that. He had so often laughed at 
K24 187 the <foreign_>Kinder, Kirche, K<*_>u-umlaut<*/>che<foreign/> 
K24 188 mentality of the good burghers. How far he and Rudolf had been 
K24 189 above that! If Rudolf didn't yet go to church, still his new life 
K24 190 revolved around the family.<p/>
K24 191 <p_>In those days they would all eat together in the kitchen. While 
K24 192 the serving woman made enchiladas at the stove, Maria would feed 
K24 193 the baby with a spoon. After a few mouthfuls from Rudolf the older 
K24 194 boy would climb down and play on the floor, jumping up sometimes to 
K24 195 snatch another titbit from the table.<p/>
K24 196 <p_>How surprised his wife would have been to see him eating like 
K24 197 that.
K24 198 
K25   1 <#FLOB:K25\><h_><p_>Christine Mc Neill<p/>
K25   2 <p_>The Lesson<p/><h/>
K25   3 <p_>A tap on the letter slot. <p/>
K25   4 <p_>He hangs his leather jacket up in the hall. She makes a gesture 
K25   5 towards the front room. He follows, sits down on the sofa.<p/>
K25   6 <p_>She insisted on the direct method. Introducing the vocabulary, 
K25   7 repeating each word three times, pausing, if necessary standing up 
K25   8 and performing a mime.<p/>
K25   9 <p_>Purpose of wanting to learn German? To take up an army post in 
K25  10 Heidelberg.<p/>
K25  11 <p_>She smiled, and said: <quote_>"<foreign_>Der Vater.<foreign/> 
K25  12 The V pronounced like an F."<quote/><p/>
K25  13 <p_>She listened to his creative endeavours: <quote_>"<foreign_>Der 
K25  14 Vater geht ...<foreign/>"<quote/> - The father goes ... 
K25  15 <quote_>"<foreign_>Der Vater wohnt ...<foreign/>"<quote/> - The 
K25  16 father lives ...<p/>
K25  17 <p_><quote_>"<foreign_>Sehr gut,<foreign/>"<quote/> she 
K25  18 complimented him. Then nodded at his pages of script. 
K25  19 <quote_>"<foreign_>Der Vater ist tot.<foreign/>"<quote/> She leant 
K25  20 back. Enjoying his struggle in trying to grasp the last word.<p/>
K25  21 <p_><quote|>"<foreign|>Tot." She let her head go slack. Then drew a 
K25  22 large black cross on a piece of paper.<p/>
K25  23 <p_>Her own father, <foreign|>Herr Johann Genz, had been an 
K25  24 ordinary bank clerk, belonging to an ordinary political group in 
K25  25 Vienna. She was a child, when one day the neighbours told her: 
K25  26 <quote_>"Your father has been hanged!"<quote/><p/>
K25  27 <p_>At night she imagined it. That rope attached to the bedroom 
K25  28 curtain. Moving towards the shadow cast by the chair near her bed. 
K25  29 The weave was thick and methodical. Above her bed it went limp, 
K25  30 then looped itself. <quote_>"<foreign_>Der Vater ist 
K25  31 tot.<foreign/>"<quote/> In the morning, the rope hung again at the 
K25  32 side of the curtain.<p/>
K25  33 <p_><quote|>"Ah." Eagerly he consigned the word <foreign|>tot to 
K25  34 his memory.<p/>
K25  35 <p_>She watched him. Remembering 1947. Next door lived a friend by 
K25  36 the name of Karl. She, Miri, in those days, used to give him half 
K25  37 her bread. <p/>
K25  38 <p_>One day, after the defeat of the Austrian and German army, a 
K25  39 Russian had come to her mother's flat. He had returned the 
K25  40 following day with a giant loaf. Her mother and she had shared it, 
K25  41 and offered some to Karl's mother. But Karl's mother had refected 
K25  42 it, and also told Kark not to take any. Why, she'd asked. Karl had 
K25  43 looked at the ground. Then he had said: <quote_>"There is a rumour 
K25  44 that your mother didn't get the bread just for allowing the Russian 
K25  45 to wash his hands."<quote/><p/>
K25  46 <p_><quote_>"He was so grateful,"<quote/> she'd said.<p/>
K25  47 <p_>Karl had looked at her with fierce eyes. <quote_>"Miri, he was 
K25  48 a Russian! One can't let an enemy into one's home. All the other 
K25  49 tenants were mad about it."<quote/><p/>
K25  50 <p_><quote_>"They didn't say anything."<quote/><p/>
K25  51 <p_><quote_>"They were mad at your mother."<quote/><p/>
K25  52 <p_><quote_>"Mother didn't tell me."<quote/><p/>
K25  53 <p_><quote_>"Then I will tell you: my mother said your mother 
K25  54 didn't get the bread just for the water."<quote/><p/>
K25  55 <p_><quote_>"What do you mean?"<quote/><p/>
K25  56 <p_><quote_>"My mother said  your mother took her clothes 
K25  57 off."<quote/><p/>
K25  58 <p_><quote_>"Took her clothes off? I don't understand."<quote/><p/>
K25  59 <p_><quote_>"She was naked!"<quote/><p/>
K25  60 <p_><quote|>"Why?"<p/>
K25  61 <p_><quote_>"Ask your mother."<quote/><p/>
K25  62 <p_>The student looked at her, expectant for the next word.<p/>
K25  63 <p_><quote|>"<foreign|>Mutter,<foreign/><quote/> she said. 
K25  64 <quote_>"The u pronounced like the English double o."<quote/><p/>
K25  65 <p_>She rather liked him. She asked him to stand up. She wanted him 
K25  66 to look in the mirror and describe his appearance.<p/>
K25  67 <p_>Gossip. People talked, telling a story over and over, and by 
K25  68 the time it had traversed three or four months, a Rabelaisian story 
K25  69 came out.<p/>
K25  70 <p_><quote_>"You didn't take your clothes off for him?"<quote/><p/>
K25  71 <p_><quote_>"Of course not,"<quote/> her mother said.<p/>
K25  72 <p_><quote_>"Then why do people say it?"<quote/><p/>
K25  73 <p_><quote_>"They say it because they do not trust us."<quote/><p/>
K25  74 <p_><quote_>"That's no reason to tell lies."<quote/><p/>
K25  75 <p_>Her mother had brushed breadcrumbs from the table. 
K25  76 <quote_>"People tell lies, when they're afraid of their own 
K25  77 truth."<quote/><p/>
K25  78 <p_><quote_>"<foreign_>Verstehen Sie?<foreign/>"<quote/><p/>
K25  79 <p_>The student nodded.<p/>
K25  80 <p_>She thought of her husband Joe. United States. An executive 
K25  81 family had advertised for a nanny in an Austrian newspaper. She'd 
K25  82 met Joe, dainty moustache and holed jeans, in a downtown bar. 
K25  83 Rockaby days and Big Nothings. Joe liked living with foreign women 
K25  84 who spoke English as though it were an heroic language.<p/>
K25  85 <p_>Sunday morning lying in bed, they crossed possibilities via 
K25  86 complicated silences.<p/>
K25  87 <p_><quote_>"Will you marry me?"<quote/> she asked.<p/>
K25  88 <p_>He moved his arm towards the wall. Shadow-played. A cat, a 
K25  89 rabbit. <quote|>"Yes," he said.<p/>
K25  90 <p_>A simple wedding. Two witnesses off the street, and a registrar 
K25  91 loudly proclaiming the sanctity of children, church, kitchen.<p/>
K25  92 <p_>The following morning. Joe had got out of bed, and straight to 
K25  93 the bread-pin. It was empty.<p/>
K25  94 <p_><quote_>"A nightmare,"<quote/> she'd explained. <quote_>"I got 
K25  95 up while you were sleeping and ate the last slice."<quote/><p/>
K25  96 <p_><quote|>"Damn!" Joe had stamped his foot, and she, still in her 
K25  97 dressing-gown, had grapped the purse and rushed out to the 
K25  98 delicatessen.<p/>
K25  99 <p_>The man behind the counter had reached to the bottom shelf and 
K25 100 brought out a white loaf. She had pinched it with her thumb and 
K25 101 forefinger. <quote_>"It's stale,"<quote/> she'd said.<p/>
K25 102 <p_>The man had looket at her with murder in his eyes, and started 
K25 103 talking about love thy neighbour and thou shall and shall not.<p/>
K25 104 <p_><quote_>"Do you realise,"<quote/> she told Joe afterwards, 
K25 105 <quote_>"that people are mad here?"<quote/><p/>
K25 106 <p_><quote_>"<foreign_>Ich mchte Tee und 
K25 107 Brot.<foreign/>"<quote/><p/>
K25 108 <p_>Miracle - a mistake-free sentence. She encouraged him to an 
K25 109 ingenious touch: he must surely be capable of linking butter with 
K25 110 bread and thus form the compound noun 
K25 111 <quote|>"<foreign|>Butterbrot"<p/>
K25 112 <p_>She brushed the edge of her right hand along her outstretched 
K25 113 left palm.<p/>
K25 114 <p_>He looked puzzled.<p/>
K25 115 <p_>She repeated the movement, then realised that it was rather 
K25 116 inadequate since it would only elicit the verb 'to spread' which 
K25 117 was not what she wanted.<p/>
K25 118 <p_>Nonetheless, tenderly, he raised his hand, and let it come down 
K25 119 on his left palm.<p/>
K25 120 <p_>She remembered his wish to become a sergeant.<p/>
K25 121 <p_>Right, left, under cover! Advance into position A-D-Zero!<p/>
K25 122 <p_>That day Joe was called up for service in Vietnam. The cheers, 
K25 123 the waves, the noisy <quote_>"Bon Voyage!"<quote/><p/>
K25 124 <p_>Months later searching the tree, the grass, the sky.<p/>
K25 125 <p_><quote_>"Remember the snow, honey?"<quote/> Joe's hand had 
K25 126 zigzagged across the crumpled page. <quote_>"In this place the 
K25 127 blind lead the blind, and some blow their heads off."<quote/><p/>
K25 128 <p_>No military honours for a coward who had gone insane.<p/>
K25 129 <p_>(Joe, love - remember the United States stars, coming out all 
K25 130 huge and dazzling, and falling, one by one, into your hands?)<p/>
K25 131 <p_>He had chosen a day of pouring rain, the commanding officer 
K25 132 told her. Shot his brains out while everyone had breakfast. (If you 
K25 133 can call it breakfast with mosquitoes doing the work of 
K25 134 surgeons.)<p/>
K25 135 <p_>Joe, my love, the snowflakes fell on the sidewalk. I opened my 
K25 136 mouth. I tilted my head back. The slivers of snow fell on my 
K25 137 tongue. A man with a fur collar stepped in front of me. I heard him 
K25 138 say that underneath the snow the grass was green, and  how about 
K25 139 it, doll?<p/>
K25 140 <p_>I threw my head back. The snowflakes fell deeper into my 
K25 141 throat. Was it Israel you mentioned once, where burying the dead 
K25 142 would have been a useful job?<p/>
K25 143 <p_>My coat slipped to the ground.<p/>
K25 144 <p_>The last time. Calling the lesson 'personal assessment'.<p/>
K25 145 <p_>She moved the chair closer to his sofa and looked into his 
K25 146 eyes. <p/>
K25 147 <p_>Journey into the past. In particular his opinion of it.<p/>
K25 148 <p_>It transpired that it was neither strong nor clear. The latter 
K25 149 due to the fact that even after several lessons his command of the 
K25 150 language was still limited.<p/>
K25 151 <p_>She montioned him to kneel.<p/>
K25 152 <p_>Seeing herself reflected in his pupils, she launched into a 
K25 153 symbolic tale.<p/>
K25 154 <p_>Two beggars standing at opposite ends of a long road.<p/>
K25 155 <p_>She mimicked her part by getting up, hunching her shoulders and 
K25 156 using the ash-tray as a bowl of alms.<p/>
K25 157 <p_>She asked him to do the same, but he declined.<p/>
K25 158 <p_>She closed her eyes, and stepped towards him. 
K25 159 <quote|>"<foreign|>Bitte!" - please. Her knees trembled. At convent 
K25 160 school the priest's mellow thumb had drawn the ash-cross on her 
K25 161 forehead. <quote_>"Your name, child?"<quote/> She'd clenched her 
K25 162 fist. <quote_>"Miriam."<quote/> <quote_>"That is a Jewish name. 
K25 163 What faith has your father?"<quote/> She'd breathed deeply. 
K25 164 <quote_>"Jewish. But my mother is a Catholic."<quote/><p/>
K25 165 <p_>The priest had stared at her. So she'd pinched his purple 
K25 166 sleeve, remembering that in his sermon he'd said that purple was 
K25 167 the colour of mercy.<p/>
K25 168 <p_>But he'd wrenched himself free. <quote_>"Let's go child! God 
K25 169 will punish you."<quote/><p/>
K25 170 <p_>Golden tabernacle. Her hand at the altar-rail, falling. She'd 
K25 171 thought of the world's mysteries. God, the ocean, those sparrows 
K25 172 caught in brilliant sunlight behind the stained glass window. The 
K25 173 church was dynamically still, as all the children got up to receive 
K25 174 absolution.<p/>
K25 175 <p_>In the name of the Father, the Son, and the - 
K25 176 <quote|>"<foreign|>Tot!" She'd screamed. Wiping the ash-cross from 
K25 177 her forehead, and raising her fist in the air - 
K25 178 <quote_>"<foreign_>Er ist tot!"<foreign/>"<quote/><p/>
K25 179 <p_>She opened her eyes. Where the student had been kneeling, there 
K25 180 was only the carpet.<p/>
K25 181 <p_>Twenty past two. He has never been this late.<p/>
K25 182 <p_>She paces the room. Suddenly, footsteps. At her door they 
K25 183 pause.<p/>
K25 184 <p_>She listens for the familiar tap on the letter-slot. It 
K25 185 happens. Then there is a second tap. With a start she realises the 
K25 186 slot has been lifted and, with the minimum of noese, been pushed 
K25 187 back into place.<p/>
K25 188 <p_>The footsteps recede, hurriedly, down the stairs.<p/>
K25 189 <p_>On the mat she finds a sheet ripped from a note-pad. It begins 
K25 190 with <quote|>"I" and ends with his name - <quote|>"Jamie".<p/>
K25 191 <p_>She stares at the words in between. <quote_>"... won't be able 
K25 192 to continue with the lessons any longer, but do appreciate your 
K25 193 trouble."<quote/><p/>
K25 194 <p_>In the kitchen there are fuchsias in a window-box. They have 
K25 195 not been pruned for years, and climb, in conquest of that elusive 
K25 196 sun.<p/>
K25 197 <p_>What can she expect? He knows the genders and the four cases, 
K25 198 and is now able to read the captions to nude pictures in German 
K25 199 magazines.<p/>
K25 200 <p_>His <quote_>"<foreign_>Ich verstehe<foreign/>"<quote/> - 
K25 201 <quote_>"I understand" was just a clinical response.<p/>
K25 202 <p_>She lifts the lid of the breadbin. A last slice. She butters it 
K25 203 and cuts it into 'soldiers'.<p/>
K25 204 <p_>The view beyond the fuchsias is of a grey drainpipe. She thinks 
K25 205 of a rope, the word 'hanged' swinging between past and present.<p/>
K25 206 <p_>Britain, where things are civilised.<p/>
K25 207 <p_>With the edge of her right hand she brushes dead blossoms into 
K25 208 her left palm.<p/>
K25 209 <p_>On her ageing skin they reveal their inner voice, while staying 
K25 210 purely external.<p/>
K25 211 <p_>Christine McNeill<p/>
K25 212 
K25 213 <h_><p_>High Risk Tenement<p/>
K25 214 <p_>Mary McCabe<p/><h/>
K25 215 <p_>Top Right:<p/>
K25 216 <p_>Original panelling, brass handles which still turn, dented 
K25 217 snibs which still snib. To the right, the kitchen, black range with 
K25 218 gas taps, press with plates, swan-necked wooden sink. Curtained 
K25 219 bed-recess. To the left, the room. Floral yellow wallpaper, worn 
K25 220 red mat. Recess with Jenny's wardrobe. Above the dressing table, 
K25 221 china ducks fly towards the bow window; opposite is the fifties' 
K25 222 fawn fireplace with the coal-effect electric fire. Near the window 
K25 223 is a built-in display cabinet with willow-pattern plates, Delft 
K25 224 china clogs, a Dresden dancer. At the window Jenny peered over the 
K25 225 wire curtain rail.<p/>
K25 226 <p_><quote_>"Here she comes, Miss O'Flaherty, back from the chapel. 
K25 227 Whit's this she's oan? Pair sowel, I doot she's got it oot a jumble 
K25 228 sale. Aw thon prayin - whit's she goat tae show fur it? ... An 
K25 229 here's Fanny Allen, decked oot like a Christmas tree, skirt half up 
K25 230 her backside. Yet another fancy man. Dirty dog. Honest tae God, 
K25 231 whit a wey tae bring up lassies."<quote/><p/>
K25 232 <p_><quote_>"There's the Pakistanis pittin up their shutters 
K25 233 already. Used tae be open aw hoors. Doot they're gettin lazy an 
K25 234 Scottified. Wantin their telly at night like everybody 
K25 235 else."<quote/><p/>
K25 236 <p_>One up, Right:<p/>
K25 237 <p_>Plate steel on the door, shutters on the windows. Darkness in 
K25 238 the air and rubble on the floor. The patches of streetlighting that 
K25 239 pass through the holes in the shutters show graffiti on the walls 
K25 240 of the ruined front room.<p/>
K25 241 <p_>In the kitchen, a hole where the range was now houses rustling 
K25 242 nests. The shelves are out of the press, and in the recess are 
K25 243 sticky crisp packets.<p/>
K25 244 <p_>Top Left:<p/>
K25 245 <p_>Kitchen units in avocado, stainless steel sink, lowered ceiling 
K25 246 with polystyrene tiles. Black vinyl suite, lamps with metal shades. 
K25 247 In the recess, yellow formica table and chairs. Cassette recorder 
K25 248 blaring.<p/>
K25 249 <p_><quote_>"Gonny you shut up that racket?"<quote/> said Michelle. 
K25 250 <quote_>"Ah've goat French words tae learn fur the 
K25 251 morra."<quote/><p/>
K25 252 <p_><quote_>"Efter 'Simple Minds',"<quote/> moaned Michelle. 
K25 253 <quote_>She's goat tae ask me aw thae words."<quote/><p/>
K25 254 <p_>The front door opened and closed. The kitchen door opened and a 
K25 255 strange man looked in.<p/>
K25 256 
K26   1 <#FLOB:K26\><h_><p_>A FIZZLE OF FAT MEN<p/>
K26   2 <p_>Hilary Patel<p/><h/>
K26   3 <p_>The Honourable Winston Mulembo is a man of many roles. With two 
K26   4 wives and, at the last count, thirteen children, he can consider 
K26   5 himself to be a family man. He is also a cabinet minister and has 
K26   6 responded to the government's call to return to agriculture by 
K26   7 buying a piece of land and calling himself a farmer. He does not 
K26   8 call himself a businessman, though he is. Owning premises for that 
K26   9 role is not necessary. Instead, he performs 'favours' for people 
K26  10 who, in return, 'help' him.<p/>
K26  11 <p_>His official ministerial duties have, this weekend, brought him 
K26  12 to Mkushi. Even by African standards, it's a dreary little town, 
K26  13 wilting in the midst of a vast nowhere. He's visited the Member of 
K26  14 Central Committee, the Permanent Political Secretary and the 
K26  15 District Governor. He's delivered all his favourite speeches, done 
K26  16 his duty, and now we should leave. But we're not going till 
K26  17 tomorrow, he says. I can't imagine why that should be.<p/>
K26  18 <p_>Sunday afternoon, and the town is sleeping. A couple of bars 
K26  19 are open but there's no beer in town and a bar without beer is a 
K26  20 bar without customers. He's not picked up by a prostitute so I know 
K26  21 he's not staying for that. The habits of the Honourable Mulembo are 
K26  22 well known to me. They should be; we've travelled all over the 
K26  23 country together during the last ten years. I'm his driver. You'd 
K26  24 call me a chauffeur. But here, I'm a driver, and a comrade too. 
K26  25 We're all comrades here. Winston Mulembo is an Honourable comrade. 
K26  26 I'm a driver, and a comrade too. We're all comrades here. Winston 
K26  27 Mulembo is an Honourable comrade and about all those duties which 
K26  28 are not official.<p/>
K26  29 <p_>Now he's calling me and asking if I'm ready to go. That 
K26  30 surprises me.<p/>
K26  31 <p_><quote_>"Back to Lusaka, Sir?"<quote/> I ask.<p/>
K26  32 <p_><quote_>"No," says he. But he wants the flag put on. Since it's 
K26  33 not an official visit, he must want to impress someone. Anyway, I'm 
K26  34 spruced up and ready as I always am. And the car, a Mercedes, is 
K26  35 spick and span. That's the reason I like driving for the Honourable 
K26  36 Mulembo. Driving a Land Rover over long distances on dirt road is 
K26  37 extremely uncomfortable.<p/>
K26  38 <p_>But, I tell you, it's hot today. It always is, in October, just 
K26  39 before the rains.<p/>
K26  40 <p_>Here he comes, wearing one of his tailored suits. He won't 
K26  41 allow the oppressive heat to stint his style. He's a man who 
K26  42 believes in the importance of setting standards of respectability. 
K26  43 He squeezes himself into the car - he's a big man, is the 
K26  44 Honourable Mulembo, and squashes himself into the left-hand 
K26  45 corner.<p/>
K26  46 <p_><quote_>"The filling station,"<quote/> he says. I feel a little 
K26  47 peeved. He should know that I've already filled up. Then the coin 
K26  48 drops. The heat must have dulled my senses. Now I realise what it's 
K26  49 all about. Chatterjee. Chirak Chatterjee. The Honourable has had 
K26  50 dealings before with comrade Chirak. It's been quite a while since 
K26  51 he visited him here, but they've met several times in Lusaka since 
K26  52 then. A deal up their sleeves? Possibly. And a chance too for the 
K26  53 Honourable to kill two birds with one stone. Where else in this 
K26  54 barren hole would he find free booze on a Sunday afternoon? And he 
K26  55 does get very thirsty on hot afternoons in dreary little towns 
K26  56 after promoting the message of the party and instilling the spirit 
K26  57 of humanism.<p/>
K26  58 <p_>He's a tricky character is Chirak Chatterjee. The Honourable 
K26  59 comrade must know he runs a risk of being drawn into promises he 
K26  60 won't be able to keep, but must consider a few drinks to be worth 
K26  61 that risk. Besides, promises can always be revoked, and the 
K26  62 Honourable Mulembo is as voluble with his excuses as he is with his 
K26  63 promises - almost as clever a crook as Chatterjee.<p/>
K26  64 <p_>I glide away from the government rest house (you'd call it a 
K26  65 sleazy motel, perhaps) and drive along the dusty roads of the 
K26  66 deserted town. Without even a murmur of a breeze, the flag with its 
K26  67 green background hangs limply on the bonnet as I turn towards the 
K26  68 filling station.<p/>
K26  69 <p_>It must be somebody important; the security guards are in a 
K26  70 dilemma. Bwana Chirak is sleeping. He doesn't like to be disturbed 
K26  71 when he is sleeping, unless it's somebody very important. They're 
K26  72 taking the chance. One of them is pressing the button to the 
K26  73 intercom system in the bwana's bedroom.<p/>
K26  74 <p_>It's like a fortress in here with the great stone wall and the 
K26  75 heavy metal gates. It's the highest wall in the country. Everybody 
K26  76 says so. Even the President doesn't have such a high wall around 
K26  77 State House.<p/>
K26  78 <p_>The filling station is on the other side. That's Bwana Chirak's 
K26  79 official business. It doesn't look very important and it isn't, 
K26  80 except for people needing fuel. It isn't from the filling station 
K26  81 that Bwana Chirak makes his money. The important deals are done at 
K26  82 home, mostly on the phone and mostly in his pyjamas.<p/>
K26  83 <p_>The wall was built less to protect his wealth, most of which is 
K26  84 out of the country anyway, than to defend the man's privacy and 
K26  85 keep out those whom he no longer considers useful. Bwana Chirak can 
K26  86 be a generous man with those currently in favour - those whom he 
K26  87 terms his friends; his <tf|>personal friends. He can be very 
K26  88 charming when he wants something for nothing, but can be equally 
K26  89 nasty when he has to pay.<p/>
K26  90 <p_>They've got permission. They're opening the gates. It's a 
K26  91 cabinet minister. I can see the flag. But I can't be sure yet who 
K26  92 it is. Ah, yes, it's Winston Mulembo, the Minister of Transport. Of 
K26  93 course, he's in town this weekend. And the driver? Yes, David, 
K26  94 that's his name.<p/>
K26  95 <p_>They were here some time back, only he wasn't Minister of 
K26  96 Transport then; Minister of Lands and Natural Resources, I think. 
K26  97 That was around the time when the tusks arrived. Yes, they've been 
K26  98 here quite a while now. Look at this yard - it's a mess. You'd 
K26  99 hardly think that, amongst the jumble of junk, there are items of 
K26 100 value. It's easy not to notice the elephant tusks over there, under 
K26 101 the tarpaulins. They're valuable though, those tusks, and they 
K26 102 quite legally belong to Bwana Chirak. With a little help from 
K26 103 friends in high places, <tf|>personal friends, mind you, he's got 
K26 104 the documents, authorised and stamped, declaring him the legal 
K26 105 owner of that ivory. I know. I've seen the papers.<p/>
K26 106 <p/>I know quite a lot about what goes on in this house. I keep 
K26 107 quiet though. So does Momma Chirak. We both keep quiet.<p/>
K26 108 <p_>It's unfinished business - those tusks, and it's giving him 
K26 109 headaches. He's got those tusks and they're his, but he's still not 
K26 110 got the export licenses to get them out of the country. It all 
K26 111 depends on who's up there, you see. I wouldn't have thought that a 
K26 112 transport minister would be able to help with licenses. That would 
K26 113 be for the department of trade, wouldn't it? Although I don't know; 
K26 114 with these people anything is possible. They can wangle most 
K26 115 things. Or maybe it's something completely different this time. You 
K26 116 never know.<p/>
K26 117 <p_>Anyway, it's not my problem. My problem is all this ginger I've 
K26 118 got to peel. But sitting here, doing my jobs, I see a lot of 
K26 119 things. I know quite a lot about what goes on.<p/>
K26 120 <p_>The cabinet minister has gone inside. David's coming over. I'll 
K26 121 get a chair for him - one of the folding canvas ones. He'll expect 
K26 122 that. He greets me, and thanks me, and sits down.<p/>
K26 123 <p_>Bwana Chirak won't be in a good mood. He's calling his wife, so 
K26 124 she's calling me to take over the roasting of the pappadoms.<p/>
K26 125 <p_>Basically he's a simple man, is Chirak Chatterjee. He doesn't 
K26 126 drink, doesn't smoke and doesn't have any girlfriends. And, being a 
K26 127 devout Hindu, he doesn't eat meat. The thing he likes best is 
K26 128 making money and he's very good at that.<p/>
K26 129 <p_>The house is as shoddy as the yard. He doesn't intend to stay 
K26 130 here forever. He's always telling people that. Once he's made 
K26 131 enough, he'll leave. But he stays. He might be a big fish here, but 
K26 132 it's going to take a long time to make 'enough' to survive in a 
K26 133 bigger pond somewhere else. He keeps trying though.<p/>
K26 134 <p_>He's got lots of gadgets in his living room, even an electric 
K26 135 organ. He doesn't play it, of course; uses instead as a shelf on 
K26 136 which to display some of the ugly ornaments he likes picking up. 
K26 137 There's an enormous lampshade there too, made from an elephant's 
K26 138 tusk. These things are a comfort to Chirak Chatterjee and these, I 
K26 139 suppose, he can take with him, or sell, if he ever leaves. But he 
K26 140 won't be able to do that with the paint on the walls. So he doesn't 
K26 141 bother with paint and the peeling patches don't bother him.<p/>
K26 142 <p_>He's just told Momma Chirak to make some tea for him and to 
K26 143 bring some milk for their guest. So now she's telling me to make 
K26 144 the tea. I must leave the pappadoms. Momma's pouring the milk and 
K26 145 yes, she's spilt some on the floor. She always does. And of course 
K26 146 I'm supposed to mop it up.<p/>
K26 147 <p_>Momma's taking in several different varieties of spiced snacks 
K26 148 and the bwana's telling her to bring a bottle of whisky. 
K26 149 <quote_>"Local, not imported,"<quote/> I hear him cluck at her in 
K26 150 Hindi. I've learnt a lot of Hindi working here. He's still 
K26 151 crotchety at having been woken.<p/>
K26 152 <p_>The tea's ready now. Momma's bringing the snacks back out 
K26 153 again. I remember now, and Momma should have remembered too: 
K26 154 Winston Mulembo always has an ulcer. Hot, spicy food irritates it. 
K26 155 So does whisky, but then milk is there to be offset the effects of 
K26 156 that.<p/>
K26 157 <p_>I'm clearing up now before I go back outside to the ginger. 
K26 158 That's a shame - I would have liked to stay and listen. I have a 
K26 159 quick glance before I go. Winston Mulembo is happily gulping down 
K26 160 his whisky laced with milk. Bwana Chirak is smiling. He must be 
K26 161 awake now, and scheming.<p/>
K26 162 <p_>It might look as if my husband cares about me - insisting that 
K26 163 I come along, but I know Gerald better than that. Bringing the wife 
K26 164 along provides a veneer of respectability - makes it look as if we 
K26 165 are indeed indulging ourselves in nothing more than a pleasant 
K26 166 Sunday afternoon jaunt and a little light socialising. I can assure 
K26 167 you though, it's not that straightforward. It never is with my 
K26 168 husband.<p/>
K26 169 <p_><quote_>"Judith, I think we'll visit Mr Chatterjee this 
K26 170 afternoon."<quote/> he said. Not: <quote_>"What do you 
K26 171 think?"<quote/>Not: <quote_>"Would you like to?"<quote/> But: 
K26 172 <quote_>"We will."<quote/> I will and you will.<p/>
K26 173 <p_>So here we are bouncing unmerrily along: Mr Road Engineer and 
K26 174 his wife, couped up inside a stuffy Land Rover in the stifling heat 
K26 175 of the afternoon, and believe you me, it's horribly hot. And the 
K26 176 pot-bellied pink blob in the driver's seat is sweating badly and it 
K26 177 stinks.<p/>
K26 178 <p_>This is our third contract and Gerald's pushing for a fourth. 
K26 179 We did the first one for the money: expatriate allowance, 
K26 180 re-settlement bonus and all that. And we did make quite a bit. 
K26 181 Enough, I thought. But Gerald found he likes the life out here. He 
K26 182 likes acting out the big white bwana stuff.<p/>
K26 183 <p_>So we've stayed, and live in a caravan. It's a luxury caravan, 
K26 184 mind you and we live in it rent-free, with a lot of other things 
K26 185 thrown in free as well. There are many perks to be picked up on a 
K26 186 foreign aid scheme.<p/>
K26 187 <p_>They're all doing it: the Canadians, the Italians, the Swedes, 
K26 188 and even the Chinese. They're all busy building roads to transport 
K26 189 food which isn't being grown. Infrastructure's so important for a 
K26 190 developing country, don't you know?<p/>
K26 191 <p_>Now the World Bank is offering a loan to the Government for the 
K26 192 construction of another road in some other, faraway forgotten 
K26 193 corner of the country, and interested groups are tendering for the 
K26 194 contract. I don't care who gets it as long as it isn't the British 
K26 195 contingent and my husband Gerald.<p/>
K26 196 
K27   1 <#FLOB:K27\>Up to then she'd felt okay, but away from her bed, in 
K27   2 the strange room, sitting in her father's favourite chair, she felt 
K27   3 lonely and cried. She kicked out at the policemen as they 
K27   4 approached.<p/>
K27   5 <p_><quote_>"How did it happen?"<quote/> one of them asked. 
K27   6 <quote_>"Did you push him, love? Is that what happened?"<quote/><p/>
K27   7 <p_>Stella blew her nose. <quote_>"He fell, I think."<quote/><p/>
K27   8 <p_><quote_>"You think. But you're not sure?"<quote/><p/>
K27   9 <p_>She shook her head. One of them fetched her coat from the hall 
K27  10 and draped it across her shoulders. Then he touched her on the 
K27  11 sleeve and said, <quote_>"Come on, love, we're going for a 
K27  12 drive."<quote/><p/>
K27  13 <p_>They led her to a waiting car and drove her through the town. 
K27  14 And she still remembered that journey, even more vividly than the 
K27  15 arrest of her father or the death of the policeman; the smell of 
K27  16 walnut veneer and red leather that drenched the interior, and the 
K27  17 genial bell which rang each time they approached a junction. At the 
K27  18 police station she was taken to a small room where an elderly lady 
K27  19 sat at a broad desk. She offered Stella milk and digestive 
K27  20 biscuits, spoke imperiously about the weather and the state of her 
K27  21 roses, and between gaps in the small talk threw in questions of 
K27  22 pertinence and tact, like little darts. Where was her mummy? What 
K27  23 did her daddy do for a living? Where were they both last Friday?<p/>
K27  24 <p_>But Stella sensed a trap. Back then she had a nose for those 
K27  25 things. And so she sipped her milk, chewed a biscuit, and lied 
K27  26 beautifully, effortlessly, rubbing her eyes for emphasis.<p/>
K27  27 <p_><quote_>"Last Friday we went to the park. Dad bought me ice 
K27  28 cream and a bag of crumbs and we fed the ducks."<quote/><p/>
K27  29 <p_><quote|>"Dooks?"<p/>
K27  30 <p_>Stella laughed and rubbed her nose. <quote_>"Don't be daft. 
K27  31 Ducks."<quote/><p/>
K27  32 <p_>The elderly lady returned the smile and fingered her necklace. 
K27  33 She asked Stella to wait and left the room. It seemed colder when 
K27  34 she'd gone, darker, and Stella imagined that she saw malignant 
K27  35 faces in the patterns on the tiled walls. The old lady had helped 
K27  36 her to forget, but alone the true horror of what had happened 
K27  37 rushed in on her like a wave. She began to cry, crashing her fists 
K27  38 on the table until the biscuits and orange juice fell to the floor. 
K27  39 The last thing she remembered was being pinned to the table by a 
K27  40 burly policeman and someone plunging a needle into her arm. She 
K27  41 kicked out feebly, and then fell into a deep sleep, dreaming of 
K27  42 dolphins skimming the surface of a wide grey sea.<p/>
K27  43 <p_>Her mind always drifted to the sea in times of trouble. Clear, 
K27  44 warm shallows with fine white sand, snug cabins inside a safe old 
K27  45 steamer, swimming with the dolphins, sleek, sweet, good-natured. On 
K27  46 childhood holidays she would stand on a cliff and watch them, 
K27  47 plunging in schools through the surf. And the sight of them always 
K27  48 brought on other memories, of other holidays at other resorts, when 
K27  49 her father still had two good legs and chased her along the beach. 
K27  50 Sea, sand and childhood. The holy trinity. Cucumber sandwiches and 
K27  51 chocolate flakes, liver and onions, a dirty face scrubbed clean by 
K27  52 a damp handkerchief. Then home on the train, smelling of sand and 
K27  53 saliva.<p/>
K27  54 <p_>But then someone brushes against her and the memories dissolve. 
K27  55 She sees the corridor, the stained walls, the parkland that 
K27  56 stretches from sight beyond the tall french windows. In an hour she 
K27  57 will meet the doctor, who will shake her hand, take her pulse, and 
K27  58 tell her not to worry. And Stella will slip into the offered chair 
K27  59 and do her best to remember. Memories, the doctor tells her, are 
K27  60 the best cure of all. Better than pills, warm baths or massage. He 
K27  61 points to a shambling figure at the end of the corridor. Take 
K27  62 Annie. Why, only last year she was in a terrible state, close to 
K27  63 the end. But now the power of memory has healed her, or at least 
K27  64 eased her condition. Once, it was all she could do to wash her own 
K27  65 face. But now she takes a bath on her own, without help, writes 
K27  66 letters to a sister in Southport, and twice a year she visits her 
K27  67 husband's grave. Only the other day she went with Stephen here to 
K27  68 the coast, and together they won a cutlery set on the bingo.<p/>
K27  69 <p_>He laughs, and Stella bites her nails. It's not that she is 
K27  70 being unhelpful, but how else can she prove to them her health, her 
K27  71 innocence? After all, Annie is ill, deeply, stubbornly ill, ill 
K27  72 beyond a cure. Her sick mind has cooked up a thousand ways to 
K27  73 insinuate itself into the patterns of their expectations. And what 
K27  74 is wrong with Stella that a couple of aspirin can't fix? A cough, a 
K27  75 headache, a touch of frayed nerves. In the old days they would have 
K27  76 given her a spoonful of medicine and told her to go home. Now 
K27  77 everyone went too far. They killed you with their concern. 
K27  78 Operating when a few pills would do, stuffing you with chemicals 
K27  79 and radioactive drinks. She would smile at the nurses when they 
K27  80 handed her the pills, and then spit them out when their backs were 
K27  81 turned. Sometimes they checked, but there was a hollow under her 
K27  82 tongue in which she hid them with ease. <quote_>"Anything 
K27  83 wrong?"<quote/> she'd ask, smiling and narrowing her eyes. And 
K27  84 they'd look sheepish and carry on with their rounds. That was one 
K27  85 thing that approaching old age hadn't stolen from her; the ability 
K27  86 to lie and be believed.<p/>
K27  87 <p_>But other things had gone. Taken, treacherously, while her back 
K27  88 was turned. The clear skin and auburn hair, the set of strong white 
K27  89 teeth that had turned yellow and weak and simply rotted in her 
K27  90 mouth one year. When she was first admitted to the hospital she 
K27  91 lost her voice with the awfulness of the place. The stained carpets 
K27  92 and green walls, the winnowed screams from adjacent wards. A doctor 
K27  93 called her into his office and asked impertinent questions about 
K27  94 her childhood and early marriage, but she couldn't answer. Every 
K27  95 time she tried to speak her lips turned rigid and cold. When the 
K27  96 doctor answered the phone she glanced down at the notes he'd 
K27  97 written. Much of it was indecipherable, but two words were fixed in 
K27  98 her memory. One was <quote|>"stubborn" the other <quote|>"naive". 
K27  99 Naive? Maybe. But stubborn? And after she'd spent the balance of 
K27 100 her life obeying orders. She looked at the doctor with a fresh 
K27 101 contempt. That was the problem with silence. It was loaded with 
K27 102 unconscious motives.<p/>
K27 103 <p_>But the other hospital, the one they took her to as a child, 
K27 104 was quite different. It welcomed the young, lived for them. And 
K27 105 young she was, back then. Too young maybe. Half done. She awoke 
K27 106 with a searing pain in her arm and a bubbling nausea. Sunlight 
K27 107 slanted through the blinds above her head and a fat nurse sat at 
K27 108 her side. Stella coughed and moved her arm, and the nurse took her 
K27 109 pulse and called for a doctor. She was given something to drink and 
K27 110 then she fell asleep once more. A week later she was strong enough 
K27 111 to sit up in bed. The needle was taken from her arm and a watery 
K27 112 breakfast brought. Within a fortnight she was receiving visitors in 
K27 113 style, propped up against a bank of pillows. The grey lady from the 
K27 114 police station, and an earnest young man who asked endless 
K27 115 questions about her home life. But no sign of her father or mother, 
K27 116 or the big policeman whose hand she'd bitten. Yet all the nurses 
K27 117 would say was, <quote_>"Forget about them. They've gone for a trip. 
K27 118 Just concentrate on making yourself well again."<quote/><p/>
K27 119 <p_><quote_>"Gone where?"<quote/><p/>
K27 120 <p_><quote_>"Abroad. A long way away."<quote/><p/>
K27 121 <p_><quote_>"Then where will I live? Who will look after 
K27 122 me?"<quote/><p/>
K27 123 <p_><quote_>"Don't worry. Soon you'll be well enough to go to 
K27 124 school. See your old friends and teachers again. You'd like that, 
K27 125 wouldn't you?"<quote/><p/>
K27 126 <p_><quote|>"No." said Stella stubbornly. <quote_>"I 
K27 127 wouldn't."<quote/><p/>
K27 128 <p_>But her recovery was slow. Much slower, she heard the doctors 
K27 129 say, than they had expected. One day she would feel fine and 
K27 130 strong, ready to face the world and all it could throw at her, and 
K27 131 the next all her hope and strength seemed to have drained away in 
K27 132 the night. If she tried to get up on such a day she would faint 
K27 133 before her feet had touched the floor, or vomit into one of the 
K27 134 zinc buckets that the nurses kept at her side. On the good days she 
K27 135 made friends with the children in the adjacent beds. But no sooner 
K27 136 had she learnt their names, exchanged addresses and favourite 
K27 137 colours, than they had gone, transferred to another hospital, or 
K27 138 made well and taken away by their parents while she was asleep. So 
K27 139 the nurses became her friends, and the little dramas she saw played 
K27 140 out through the window above her head; swollen flocks of migrating 
K27 141 birds, high, attenuated clouds strewn like tissue across the sky, 
K27 142 and the ruddy splendour of the sunsets through the trees. At night, 
K27 143 when the ward slept, she would carefully pull back the blinds and 
K27 144 stare out at the sky, trying to remember the names of the stars and 
K27 145 planets that the dead policeman had fixed in her mind. Neptune, 
K27 146 Leo, The Great Bear. On a clear night she watched the moon rise 
K27 147 above the trees, breathless, impatient, as a shadow covered its 
K27 148 face and she saw her first eclipse. A dog barked in the distance, 
K27 149 and she slipped beneath the sheets, shivering, exhilarated. The 
K27 150 next day she was dying to tell someone. But the adjacent beds were 
K27 151 empty, and to tell the nurses would have been self-defeating, they 
K27 152 would have given her sleeping pills, or else lashed the blinds more 
K27 153 firmly to the window. So she said nothing. Kept the encounters 
K27 154 hidden, like a little book of experiences that grew fatter by the 
K27 155 night. The darkness gave her strength and hope. But in the daylight 
K27 156 she would listen to the laughter of the children playing in a 
K27 157 nearby school, and cry at the thought of the world she'd lost. The 
K27 158 other world, outside the margins of the window.<p/>
K27 159 <p_>Then one day her mother appeared in the ward. Stella didn't 
K27 160 recognize her at first, it had been so long since she'd seen her, 
K27 161 and her face was lined and drawn where once it had been smooth and 
K27 162 full. But her voice hadn't changed. She sat at the side of the bed, 
K27 163 clutching another baby and sucking pear-drops. <quote_>"So, you're 
K27 164 all right, then?"<quote/> she kept saying. <quote_>"There's nothing 
K27 165 that you want?"<quote/><p/>
K27 166 <p_><quote_>"I want to go home."<quote/><p/>
K27 167 <p_>Her mother pulled the pear-drop from her mouth and looked at 
K27 168 it. <quote_>"Well, you can't. You're ill. The doctor says you must 
K27 169 stay."<quote/><p/>
K27 170 <p_><quote_>"Where's dad?"<quote/><p/>
K27 171 <p_><quote_>"Abroad. He's gone abroad."<quote/><p/>
K27 172 <p_>She made one last visit, and then stopped coming. Now Stella's 
K27 173 memories are confined to those two brief encounters and the last 
K27 174 few days before her father's arrest. She can picture her mother 
K27 175 quite clearly then, in a scarve<&|>sic! and pinafore, 
K27 176 breast-feeding the baby at the kitchen table. Stella often wondered 
K27 177 what became of her younger sister. She had dreams in which she 
K27 178 appeared as a rich widow, to pluck her from penury and the 
K27 179 hospital. She did try once to contact her, but the man in the 
K27 180 council offices said it was too long ago, there weren't enough 
K27 181 details. She was ashamed now to think about it, but when he'd asked 
K27 182 her sister's name she couldn't remember.<p/>
K27 183 <p_>And memory is everything. It determines who we are. Without it 
K27 184 we might as well be dead. And each year a little more is chipped 
K27 185 away, like a spit of land eroded by the sea. Stella glances across 
K27 186 at Annie, and with a shiver sees herself in ten years time. Once 
K27 187 she was young, pretty perhaps, with boyfriends and fond memories. 
K27 188 But now everything she has known has been fragmented into a 
K27 189 desultory jumble, like a recording type, broken and reassembled at 
K27 190 random.
K27 191 
K28   1 <#FLOB:K28\><h_><p_>A Mistake<p/><h/>
K28   2 <p_>It was not my door in the long corridor that I opened and, 
K28   3 seeing a woman's blue camel-hair coat on the stand, and catching a 
K28   4 faint whiff of hyacinth, I muttered <quote_>"a mistake"<quote/> and 
K28   5 began to withdraw. But I had no time to retreat across the 
K28   6 threshold before a familiar shy voice said <quote_>"No, not a 
K28   7 mistake. I've been waiting for you."<quote/><p/>
K28   8 <p_><quote_>"Mother!"<quote/> I cried, and with a joyful impulse I 
K28   9 stepped into the room and closed the door behind me. She was 
K28  10 sitting at the desk, dressed for work in a short-sleeved blouse. On 
K28  11 her face was the slightly enigmatic, though on the whole kindly, 
K28  12 expression with which she greeted my little bids for independence. 
K28  13 She was without her glasses, and her wide-open browless eyes were 
K28  14 of an intense, almost unnatural blue, as though painted over by 
K28  15 someone wishing to emphasise her better features. It was not my 
K28  16 office in which she sat, but a bigger, brighter place, higher up 
K28  17 the building, and the typewriter on which her fingers rested was of 
K28  18 an older model that we no longer used downstairs.<p/>
K28  19 <p_><quote_>"Sit down,"<quote/> she said, pointing to the visitor's 
K28  20 chair. <quote_>"No, don't kiss me. It won't be 
K28  21 necessary."<quote/><p/>
K28  22 <p_>And she laughed, her old raucous laugh, of a woman who believes 
K28  23 that she alone of all the world is risible. The chair was warm, as 
K28  24 though someone had just vacated it, and the arm-rests seemed to 
K28  25 cradle my arms like the hands of a rescuer. How agreeable 
K28  26 everything was in this room! The spaces seemed larger, the 
K28  27 furniture more comfortable and better arranged than in the corridor 
K28  28 below. And the little reminders of the world outside - the prints 
K28  29 of Oxford Colleges on the wall, the gay Venetian vase before her, 
K28  30 in which a few pale tulips stood, the bookcase with its Edwardian 
K28  31 Volumes of poetry - all bore the mark of her anxious good nature, 
K28  32 which could settle itself in any place, and fill it with a fragile 
K28  33 sense of home. Impulsively I jumped up again, and began to pace on 
K28  34 the Turkey carpet.<p/>
K28  35 <p_>The view from this floor was especially harmonious. It seemed 
K28  36 as though our little town had been designed precisely to be viewed 
K28  37 from such a height, and was at last able to offer me (who had lived 
K28  38 in it grudgingly for forty years) a pleasing prospect of ivy-clad 
K28  39 houses, busy courtyard and churches of yellow stone. I seemed to 
K28  40 recall the prospect too, perhaps from an old postcard - though how 
K28  41 on earth it could have been captured in those days, before the 
K28  42 office tower existed (a tower, I should add, which has spoiled the 
K28  43 harmony of our townscape for ever) I had no idea.<p/>
K28  44 <p_><quote_>"How extraordinary to find you here," I said; 
K28  45 <quote_>"though come to think of it, I heard a rumour that you 
K28  46 might move in, now the firm has expanded, and we have acquired the 
K28  47 floors above. Of course, it is typical that you didn't bother to 
K28  48 tell me. I suppose you were afraid of seeming pushy, afraid of 
K28  49 encroaching, as you put it, on my independence. Honestly Mother!" 
K28  50 As though that mattered now! But then you were waiting for me, you 
K28  51 say, in the very room into which I have strayed, suffering from 
K28  52 some post<?_>-<?/>prandial confusion not unconnected with my habit 
K28  53 (I regret to say it Mother) of drinking far too much at lunch-time. 
K28  54 Well, you don't really expect me to believe you! On the other hand, 
K28  55 it is just possible that you have been following my movements 
K28  56 today. I must admit that it wouldn't have been difficult, me being 
K28  57 so sluggish, and - to be quite frank Mother - somewhat depressed of 
K28  58 late, taking such a long time to make even the smallest decision, 
K28  59 like for instance whether to have lunch at the George, or whether 
K28  60 to go instead to the Coach and Horses which you have never cared 
K28  61 for. No, it wouldn't have been difficult to keep track of me today, 
K28  62 nor to rush ahead without my knowledge, to install yourself in the 
K28  63 office into which I was about to blunder - just the kind of impish 
K28  64 trick you always play on me. And no doubt with some fantastic plan, 
K28  65 to tempt me away form work - maybe to the bookshop at Haysborough, 
K28  66 though as you know it's rather a sorry affair these days, with 
K28  67 nothing but biographies of yesterday's men. Or maybe - for I can 
K28  68 see a mischievous twinkle in your eye - you are planning something 
K28  69 rather more ambitious: one of those jaunts to Oxford or Woodstock, 
K28  70 to get a breath of old stone as you say, though how you imagine we 
K28  71 could get there now that the Morris has gone to the Great Car Park 
K28  72 in the Sky I don't for the life of me know ..."<quote/><p/>
K28  73 <p_>All this and more came out in a rush. And while the words were 
K28  74 far beyond anything I had meant to say, constituting indeed a 
K28  75 breach of the longstanding rule of silence between us, I felt them 
K28  76 to be entirely natural. How often does it happen, meeting a 
K28  77 familiar person by chance, and in circumstances which do not lend 
K28  78 themselves to conversation, that you suddenly give way to the 
K28  79 impulse to say everything in your heart? There had been so much I 
K28  80 had wanted to express to her, and which, for one reason or another, 
K28  81 I had never dared to say: not the great things (for who can say 
K28  82 great things to his mother?) but all the little, gentle, joyful 
K28  83 things which would cause her such pleasure, which she mutely begged 
K28  84 to hear from me and which in my embarrassment I had always 
K28  85 withheld. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, how beautiful 
K28  86 she had always been, how secretly proud of her I felt - and not 
K28  87 only of her beauty; of her intelligence too. For really, when she 
K28  88 puts her mind to it, there is no one better than Mother at finding 
K28  89 solutions. Take any problem - how to buy chicken giblets, for 
K28  90 instance, how to get the best price in curtain material, how to 
K28  91 write a business letter, how to resolve a labour dispute, how to 
K28  92 conduct the symphonies of Beethoven (for Mother knows those 
K28  93 wonderful scores by heart) - and she will give her queer, hesitant 
K28  94 and impeccably conservative answer to it, utterly indifferent as 
K28  95 she has always been to the world's temporary opinion. And I was 
K28  96 proud of that too: her conviction, come down from recusant 
K28  97 forefathers, that the good sense of the present may be in every 
K28  98 particular the exact opposite of the truth, and that we had no 
K28  99 better guide, when all was said and done, than the secretly 
K28 100 enduring things, in which God has concealed his will. Not that she 
K28 101 believes in God, any more that I do - at least, not in any literal 
K28 102 sense. And that is a remarkable thing too, the almost religious 
K28 103 vision we share, of a world entirely fallen, ourselves striving for 
K28 104 righteousness, at odds with our times, and capable in our isolation 
K28 105 of a kind of crazy joy, like the joy of the Credo, a private 
K28 106 hallelujah, and neither of us believers!<p/>
K28 107 <p_>I knew instinctively that this thought, which had just occurred 
K28 108 to me, was running through her mind as well, that she even 
K28 109 associated it with the very images which came tumbling into my 
K28 110 consciousness: the sea at Brancombe, pouring green over blue, and 
K28 111 rushing at the pebbles like a kitten at play; the little boarding 
K28 112 house with the smell of magnolias, and its sepulchral suppers when 
K28 113 we whispered and giggled like children under the stony eyes of the 
K28 114 guests; and the long walk that day over the moors, the farmstead 
K28 115 which was our assumed destination (though we needed none); the old 
K28 116 couple, brother and sister, who welcomed us into the kitchen, who 
K28 117 fed us from the dishcloth-flavoured bacon which hung in flitches 
K28 118 from the beams, and who sang with us at the harmonium, hymns and 
K28 119 parlour songs, our lungs straining in cheerful rivalry, until the 
K28 120 sun began to slope towards the near horizon, and we stalked it home 
K28 121 to the sea - how wonderful it was to remember this together, and to 
K28 122 be once more enfolded in the oneness of the world!<p/>
K28 123 <p_>I had sat down, but was so excited that I again leapt up before 
K28 124 she could reply to my stream of questions at all, but invitations 
K28 125 to the deeper silence that lay beyond this necessary flood of 
K28 126 words. The view from her office delighted me. It showed the town as 
K28 127 we had known it, every detail still in place, and I gestured to her 
K28 128 vigorously as I described the scene. I had the impression that she 
K28 129 rose slightly in her chair, as though tempted to join me at the 
K28 130 window, but then thought better of it and sat quietly, enjoying my 
K28 131 words. There was Hapgoods the grocers, with the Regency shop whose 
K28 132 torn canvas awnings were often carried away by the breeze. There 
K28 133 were the churches: the Parish church of sandstone, with lancet 
K28 134 windows, surrounded by its audience of graves; the Methodist 
K28 135 church, upright, classical, with yellow half-columns strapping its 
K28 136 walls; and the Catholic church, our church, in Victorian freestone 
K28 137 and flint, jabbing its stubby tower like a self-satisfied thumb 
K28 138 into the skyblue waistcoat of the heavens, claiming discrete but 
K28 139 exclusive ownership. And there was Pelham Street, with our old 
K28 140 house still standing, so clearly visible from this angle that I 
K28 141 could count every tile on the roof and even, it seemed to me, peer 
K28 142 through the windows and guess at the life inside - for instance 
K28 143 there was a woman, combing her hair before Mother's lacquer 
K28 144 dressing table.<p/>
K28 145 <p_>I could make out the little paddock with Bill Maidstone's 
K28 146 ponies, a white fence surrounding it, and the shed painted in 
K28 147 circus colours as it always was. In fact, it seemed to me that I 
K28 148 saw the old pony, Scamp, who pulled Bill's rag-and-bone cart around 
K28 149 our street all those years ago - Scamp with his neolithic neck, his 
K28 150 vast bony indented head like a rhinoceros, and three white socks on 
K28 151 his dung-coloured legs. But of course Scamp was dead: the pony was 
K28 152 evidently another from the same stock, a mortal instance of the 
K28 153 eternal Form of Scamp. I beckoned Mother over to comment on this 
K28 154 interesting fact. Before I had finished explaining, however, my eye 
K28 155 was caught by another detail - the allotment, our allotment, right 
K28 156 there behind St Hilda's Church of England Primary School, with the 
K28 157 rhubarb patch still sprouting and the cucumber cloches laid out 
K28 158 neatly in rows.<p/>
K28 159 <p_><quote_>"Who do you think is working it now? No, don't tell me: 
K28 160 it is Jack Baines, who took it over when - when it happened and we 
K28 161 were rid of Father for ever. He had been wanting our allotment for 
K28 162 some time, I remember, on account of its being the sunniest spot, 
K28 163 just that little bit lighter, and less damp too, than the patches 
K28 164 along the road, and blessed, as you would say, with those 
K28 165 elder-bushes at the top, they're still there I notice, from which 
K28 166 old Jack could gather fruit for his home-made wine ..."<quote/><p/>
K28 167 <p_>Of course, it was a mistake to mention Father, however 
K28 168 obliquely, and I was not surprised when, having several times made 
K28 169 as if to speak, she now remained silent, her eyes turned down to 
K28 170 the typewriter, and her fingers playing sadly and distractedly over 
K28 171 the keys. I wanted to embrace her, to stroke her grey hair, to 
K28 172 smooth her still youthful brow, to tell her how little those 
K28 173 painful years mattered, how the good things were always with us, 
K28 174 shining through the temporary clouds, and warming our spirits into 
K28 175 joy. I took a step towards her, talking still, though God knows 
K28 176 why, of Jack Baines, his vinegary wine and vinegary opinions (for 
K28 177 Jack had been a Baptist preacher before his wife's death, and still 
K28 178 retained, in his despair, a belief that God should be instantly 
K28 179 informed of every wickedness), and with my heart full of tenderness 
K28 180 and concern for her, of a desire above all to wipe away the memory 
K28 181 of those suffering to which I had been so helpless a witness - when 
K28 182 suddenly my eye was caught by the Mickey-Mouse transfer on the 
K28 183 black enamel side of the typewriter.<p/>
K28 184 
K29   1 <#FLOB:K29\><p_>I had left a baking tray in the oven that morning 
K29   2 and by now it should have become a miniature Death Valley of 
K29   3 hard-baked morphine granules. I opened the oven door to find a dark 
K29   4 brown ruckled surface, gratifyingly broken here and there into 
K29   5 regular patterns of scales, like the skin of some moribund lizard. 
K29   6 I used a steel spatula to scrape the material up and placed it 
K29   7 carefully in a small plastic bowl (the one decorated with a 
K29   8 sequence of leaping bunny rabbits; after the divorce, my wife 
K29   9 divided the chattels: she took the adult-sized plates and cutlery, 
K29  10 leaving me with our children's diminutive ware).<p/>
K29  11 <p_>Although I've had no formal training in chemistry, I have, by a 
K29  12 process of hit and miss, developed a method that allows me to 
K29  13 precipitate a soluble tartrate from raw morphine granules. But 
K29  14 there's a problem. Because I obtain my morphine supplies from 
K29  15 bottles of kaolin purchased in sundry chemists (if the bottles sit 
K29  16 for long enough most of the morphine rises to the top), the stuff 
K29  17 still contains an appreciable amount of chalk. Months of injecting 
K29  18 have given my body an odd aspect. With every shot, more chalk has 
K29  19 been deposited along the walls of my veins, much in the manner of 
K29  20 earth being piled up to form an embankment or a cutting around a 
K29  21 roadway, mapping out the history of my addiction. Having 
K29  22 methodically worked my way through the veins in my arms and legs, 
K29  23 turning them the tan colour of drover's paths, then the darker 
K29  24 brown of cart tracks, until eventually they've become macadamized, 
K29  25 blackened, by my abuse. I can now stand on my broken bathroom 
K29  26 scales and see a network of calcified conduits radiating from my 
K29  27 groin. Some have been scored into my flesh like underpasses; others 
K29  28 are raised up on hardened revetments of flesh: bloody flyovers.<p/>
K29  29 <p_>I have been driven to using huge five millilitre barrels, each 
K29  30 one fitted with the long, blue-collared needles necessary for 
K29  31 hitting the arteries. Should I miss, the consequences for my 
K29  32 circulatory system could be disastrous. I might lose a limb; there 
K29  33 could be tailbacks. I wonder sometimes if I may be losing my 
K29  34 incident room.<p/>
K29  35 <p_>And can you blame me? There is, moreover, the matter of the 
K29  36 thesis. Not only is the subject obscure (some might say risible), 
K29  37 but I have no grant or commission. Why am I doing it? It would be 
K29  38 all right if I were some dilettante, privately endowed, who could 
K29  39 afford to toy with such things, but I am not. Rather, I have both 
K29  40 myself to support and the maintenance to keep up. If the 
K29  41 maintenance isn't kept up my ex-wife will become as obdurate as any 
K29  42 consulting civil engineer. She has it within her power to arrange 
K29  43 bollards around me, even to insist on tolls. There could be 
K29  44 questions in the bungalow - something I cannot abide.<p/>
K29  45 <p_>But last night none of this troubled me. I was lost in the arms 
K29  46 of Morphia. Around I swept, pinned by g-force into the tight 
K29  47 circularity of history. In my reverie I saw the M40 as it will be 
K29  48 (still no services; all six carriageways and the hard shoulder are 
K29  49 grassed over; only shallow depressions visible from the air), 
K29  50 perhaps some twenty thousand years from now, when the second 
K29  51 neolithic age has dawned over Europe.<p/>
K29  52 <h|>Relative
K29  53 <p_><quote_>"Can I pay for these?"<quote/><p/>
K29  54 <p_><quote|>"Whassat?"<p/>
K29  55 <p_><quote_>"Can I pay for these - these de-scalers?"<quote/> Time 
K29  56 is standing still in the hardware store. It is dark and scented 
K29  57 with nails and resinous timber. I had no idea that the transaction 
K29  58 was going to prove so gruelling. The proprietor is looking at me 
K29  59 the same way that the pharmacist does when I go to buy my 
K29  60 kaolin.<p/>
K29  61 <p_><quote_>"Why d'you want three?"<quote/> Is it my imagination, 
K29  62 or does his voice really have an edge of suspicion?<p/>
K29  63 <p_><quote_>"I've got an incredible amount of scale in my kettle, 
K29  64 that's why."<quote/> I muster an insouciance I don't feel. Since I 
K29  65 have been accused, I know that I am guilty. I know that I lure 
K29  66 young children away from the precincts of the model village and 
K29  67 subject them to appalling, brutal, intercrural sex. I abrade their 
K29  68 armpits, their knee pits, the juncture of their thighs, with my 
K29  69 spun mini-rolls of wire. That's why I need three.<p/>
K29  70 <p_>Guilt dogs me as I struggle to ascent the High Street. Guilt 
K29  71 about my children. Ever since my loss of sense of scale, I have 
K29  72 found it difficult to relate to my children. They no longer feel 
K29  73 comfortable visiting me here in Beaconsfield. They say they would 
K29  74 rather stay with their mother. The model village, which used to 
K29  75 entrance them, now bores them.<p/>
K29  76 <p_>It was the boy who blew the whistle on me, grassed me up to his 
K29  77 mother. At seven, he is old enough to know the difference between 
K29  78 the smell of tobacco and the smell that comes from my pipe. 
K29  79 Naturally he told his mother, and she realized immediately that I 
K29  80 was back on the M.<p/>
K29  81 <p_>In a way I don't blame him - it is a filthy habit. And the 
K29  82 business of siphoning off the morphine from the bottles and then 
K29  83 baking it in the oven until it forms a smokable paste - well, I 
K29  84 mean, it's pathetic, the DIY addiction. No wonder that there are no 
K29  85 pleasure domes for me, in my briccolage reverie. Instead I see 
K29  86 twice five yards of fertile ground, with sheds and raspberry canes 
K29  87 girded round. In a word: an allotment.<p/>
K29  88 <p_>When my father died he subdivided his allotment and left a 
K29  89 fifth of it to each of his children. The Association wouldn't allow 
K29  90 it. They said that allotments were only leased rather than owned. 
K29  91 It's a great pity, because what with the subsidies available and 
K29  92 the new intensive agricultural methods, I could have probably made 
K29  93 a reasonable living out of my fifth. I can see myself: making hay 
K29  94 with a kitchen fork; spreading silage with a tea spoon; bringing in 
K29  95 the harvest with a wheelbarrow; ploughing with a trowel tied to a 
K29  96 two-by-four. Bonsai cattle wend o'er the lee of the compost heap as 
K29  97 I recline in the pet cemetery ...<p/>
K29  98 <p_>It was not to be.<p/>
K29  99 <p_>Returning home from High Wycombe, I add the contents of my two, 
K29 100 new bottles of kaolin and morphine to the plant. Other people have 
K29 101 ginger beer plants; I have a morphine plant. I made my morphine 
K29 102 plant out of a plastic sterilizing unit. It would be a nice irony, 
K29 103 this transmogrification of taboo, were it not for the fact that 
K29 104 every time I clap eyes on the thing I remember with startling 
K29 105 accuracy what it looked like, full of teats and bottles, when the 
K29 106 children were babies and I was a happier man.<p/>
K29 107 <p_>I mentioned the dividing of chattels following the divorce. 
K29 108 This explains why I ended up, here in Beaconsfield, with the 
K29 109 decorative Tupperware, the baby bouncer, sundry activity centres 
K29 110 and the aforementioned sterilizing unit. Whereas my ex-wife resides 
K29 111 in St John's Wood, reclining on an emperor-sized 
K29 112 <foreign|>bateaulit; my vessel, when I cast off and head out on to 
K29 113 the sea of sleep, is a plastic changing mat, decorated with a 
K29 114 regular pattern of Fred Flintstones and Barney Rubbles.<p/>
K29 115 <p_>It's fortunate that the five 'police procedurals' that I wrote 
K29 116 during my marriage are still selling well. Without the royalties I 
K29 117 don't think I would be able to keep the members of my ex-family in 
K29 118 the manner to which they have become accustomed. I cannot imagine 
K29 119 that the book I am currently working on, <tf_>Murder on the Median 
K29 120 Strip<tf/>, will do a fraction as well. (I say that confidently but 
K29 121 what fraction do I mean? Certainly not a half or a quarter, but why 
K29 122 not a two hundredth or a four hundredth? This is certainly 
K29 123 conceivable. I must try and be more accurate with my figures of 
K29 124 speech. I must use them as steel rulers to delimit thought. 
K29 125 Wooliness will be my undoing.)<p/>
K29 126 <p_>In <tf_>Murder on the Median Strip<tf/> (or <tf_>M on the 
K29 127 MS<tf/> as I refer to it), a young woman is raped, murdered and 
K29 128 buried on the median strip of the M40, in between Junction 2 
K29 129 (Beaconsfield) and Junction 3 (High Wycombe): a howdunnit, rather 
K29 130 than a  whodunnit. The murder occurs late on a Friday evening when 
K29 131 the motorway is still crowded with ex-urbanites heading for home. 
K29 132 The police are patrolling, looking for speeders. Indeed, they have 
K29 133 set up a radar trap between the two principal bridges on this 
K29 134 section of road. And yet no one notices a thing.<p/>
K29 135 <p_>When the shallow, bitumen-encrusted grave is discovered, the 
K29 136 police, indulging in their penchant for overkill, decide to 
K29 137 reconstruct the entire incident. They put out a call on 
K29 138 <tf_>Crimewatch UK<tf/> for all those who were on the motorway in 
K29 139 that place, at that time, to re-assemble at Junction 2. The public 
K29 140 response is overwhelming and by virtue of careful interviewing - 
K29 141 the recollection of number-plates, makes of car, children making 
K29 142 faces and so forth - they establish that they have managed to net 
K29 143 all the cars and drivers that could have been there. The logistics 
K29 144 are immensely complicated, but eventually, by dint of 
K29 145 computer-aided visualizations, the police are able to re-enact the 
K29 146 whole incident. The cars set off at staggered intervals; the police 
K29 147 hover overhead in helicopters; patrol cars and officers on foot 
K29 148 question any passers-by. But, horror of horrors, while the 
K29 149 reconstruction is actually taking place, the killer strikes again. 
K29 150 This time between Junction 6 (Watlington) and Junction 7 (Thame). 
K29 151 Once more his victim is a young woman, who he sexually assaults, 
K29 152 strangles and then crudely inters beneath the static, steel fender 
K29 153 of the crash barrier.<p/>
K29 154 <p_>That's as far as I've got with <tf_>M on the MS<tf/>. 
K29 155 Sometimes, contemplating the MS, I begin to feel that I've painted 
K29 156 myself into a corner with this convoluted plot. I realize that I 
K29 157 may have tried to stretch the credulity of my potential readers too 
K29 158 far.<p/>
K29 159 <p_>In a way the difficulties of the plot mirror my own 
K29 160 difficulties as a writer. In creating such an unworkable and 
K29 161 fantastic scenario I have managed, at least, to fulfil my father's 
K29 162 expectations of my craft.<p/>
K29 163 <p_><quote_>"There's no sense of scale in your books,"<quote/> he 
K29 164 said to me, shortly before he died. At that time I had only written 
K29 165 two procedurals, both featuring Inspector Archimedes, my 
K29 166 idiosyncratic Greek Cypriot detective. <quote_>"You can have 
K29 167 limited success,"<quote/> he went on, <quote_>"chipping away like 
K29 168 this at the edges of society, chiselling off microscopic fragments 
K29 169 of observation. But really important writing provides some sense of 
K29 170 the relation between individual psychology and social change, of 
K29 171 the scale of things in general. You can see that if you look at the 
K29 172 great nineteenth-century novels."<quote/> He puffed on his pipe as 
K29 173 he spoke; observing his wrinkled, scaly hide, his red lips and the 
K29 174 yellow teeth masticating the black stem, I was reminded of a 
K29 175 basking lizard, sticking its tongue out at the world.<p/>
K29 176 <p_>A letter arrived this morning from the Municipality, demanding 
K29 177 payment of their head tax. When I first moved here a man came from 
K29 178 the borough valuer's to assess the rateable value of the property. 
K29 179 By dint of quick work with the trellises, I managed to make it look 
K29 180 as if Number 50, Crendon Road, was in fact one of the houses in the 
K29 181 model village.<p/>
K29 182 <p_>To begin with the official disputed the idea that I could 
K29 183 possibly be living in this pocket-sized manse, but I managed to 
K29 184 convince him that I was a doctoral student writing a thesis on 'The 
K29 185 Apprehension of Scale in <tf_>Gulliver's Travels<tf/>, with special 
K29 186 reference to Lilliput'; and that the operators of the model village 
K29 187 had leased the house to me so that I could gain first-hand 
K29 188 experience of Gulliver's state of mind. I even entered the house 
K29 189 and adopted some attitudes - head on the kitchen table, left leg 
K29 190 rammed through the french windows - in order to persuade him.<p/>
K29 191 <p_>The result of this clever charade was that for two years my 
K29 192 rates were assessed on the basis of seven feet, eight inches square 
K29 193 of living space.
K29 194 
K29 195 
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