<B CEPLAY3A>
<Q E3 XX COME VANBR>
<N RELAPSE>
<A VANBRUGH JOHN>
<C E3>
<O 1640-1710>
<M X>
<K X>
<D ENGLISH>
<V PROSE>
<T DRAMA COMEDY>
<G X>
<F X>
<W SCRIPT>
<X MALE>
<Y 20-40>
<H PROF HIGH>
<U X>
<E X>
<J INTERACTIVE>
<I INFORMAL>
<Z X>
<S SAMPLE X>


[^VANBRUGH, JOHN.
TEXT:  THE RELAPSE.
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF SIR JOHN VANBRUGH,
VOL. I.
ED. B. DOBREE AND G. WEBB.
BLOOMSBURY: THE NONESUCH PRESS, 1927.
PP. 32.12 - 41.6    (SAMPLE 1)
PP. 57.12 - 64.43   (SAMPLE 2)^]

<S SAMPLE 1>
<P I,32>
[}ACT II. SCENE I.}]

( (^London. A Room in^) Loveless's (^Lodgings^) .)

(^Enter^) Loveless (^and^) Amanda.

(^Lov.^) How do you like these Lodgings, my Dear? For my part,  #
I am
so well pleas'd with 'em, I shall hardly remove whilst we stay
in Town, if you are satisfy'd.
(^Aman.^) I am satisfy'd with every thing that pleases you;     #
else I had not
come to Town at all.
(^Lov.^) O, a little of the noise and bussle of the World,      #
sweetens the
Pleasures of Retreat: We shall find the Charms of our           #
Retirement doubled,
when we return to it.
(^Aman.^) That pleasing Prospect will be my chiefest            #
Entertainment, whilst
(much against my Will) I am oblig'd to stand surrounded with    #
these empty
Pleasures, which 'tis so much the fashion to be fond of.
(^Lov.^) I own most of 'em are indeed but empty: nay so empty,  #
that one
wou'd wonder by what Magick Power they act, when they induce    #
us to
be vicious for their sakes.
   Yet some there are we may speak kindlier of: There are       #
Delights, (of
which a private Life is destitute) which may divert an honest   #
Man, and
be a harmless Entertainment to a virtuous Woman. The            #
Conversation of
the Town is one; and truly, (with some small Allowances) the    #
Plays, I
think, may be esteem'd another.
(^Aman.^) The Plays, I must confess, have some small Charms,    #
and wou'd
have more, wou'd they restrain that loose obscene               #
encouragement to Vice,
which shocks, if not the Virtue of some Women, at least the     #
Modesty of all.
<P I,33>
(^Lov.^) But till that Reformation can be made, I wou'd not     #
leave the
whol'some Corn, for some intruding Tares that grow amongst it.  #
Doubtless,
the Moral of a well-wrought Scene is of prevailing Force. -     #
Last
Night there happen'd one that mov'd me strangely.
(^Aman.^) Pray, what was that?
(^Lov.^) Why 'twas about - but 'tis not worth repeating.
(^Aman.^) Yes, pray let me know it.
(^Lov.^) No, I think 'tis as well let alone.
(^Aman.^) Nay, now you make me have a mind to know.
(^Lov.^) 'Twas a foolish thing: You'd perhaps grow jealous      #
shou'd I tell
it you, tho` without a cause Heaven knows.
(^Aman.^) I shall begin to think I have Cause, if you persist   #
in making it
a secret.
(^Lov.^) I'll then convince you, you have none by making it no  #
longer so.
Know then, I happen'd in the Play to find my very Character,    #
only with
the Addition of a (^Relapse^) ; which struck me so, I put a     #
suddain stop to
a most harmless Entertainment, which till then, diverted me     #
between the
Acts. 'Twas to admire the workmanship of Nature, in the Face    #
of a young
Lady, that sat some distance from me, she was so exquisitely    #
handsome.
(^Aman.^) So exquisitely handsome!
(^Lov.^) Why do you repeat my words, my Dear?
(^Aman.^) Because you seem'd to speak 'em with such pleasure,   #
I thought
I might oblige you with their Eccho.
(^Lov.^) Then you are allarmed, (^Amanda^) ?
(^Aman.^) It is my Duty to be so, when you are in danger.
(^Lov.^) You are too quick in apprehending for me; all will be  #
well when
you have heard me out.
   I do confess I gaz'd upon her; nay, eagerly I gaz'd upon     #
her.
(^Aman.^) Eagerly? That's with desire.
(^Lov.^) No, I desir'd her not; I view'd her with a world of    #
admiration,
but not one glance of Love.
(^Aman.^) Take heed of trusting to such nice Distinctions.
(^Lov.^) I did take heed; for observing in the Play, That he    #
who seem'd
to represent me there, was by an Accident like this, unwarily   #
surpriz'd
into a Net, in which he lay a poor intangl'd Slave, and         #
brought a Train
of mischiefs on his Head; I snatcht my Eyes away: they pleaded  #
hard
for leave to look again, but I grew absolute, and they obey'd.
(^Aman.^) Were they the only things that were Inquisitive? Had  #
I been
in your place, my Tongue, I fancy, had been curious too; I      #
shou'd have
ask'd her Name, and where she liv'd, (yet still without         #
Design:) - Who
was she, pray?
(^Lov.^) Indeed I cannot tell.
(^Aman.^) You will not tell.
<P I,34>
(^Lov.^) By all that's Sacred then, I did not ask.
(^Aman.^) Nor do you know what company was with her?
(^Lov.^) I do not.
(^Aman.^) Then I am calm again.
(^Lov.^) Why were you disturb'd?
(^Aman.^) Had I then no Cause? 
(^Lov.^) None certainly.
(^Aman.^) I thought I had.
(^Lov.^) But you thought wrong, (^Amanda^) ; For turn the       #
Case, and let it
be your Story: shou'd you come home and tell me you had seen a  #
handsome
Man, shou'd I grow jealous, because you had Eyes?
(^Aman.^) But shou'd I tell you, he were exquisitely so: That   #
I had gaz'd
on him with Admiration: That I had look'd with eager Eyes upon  #
him,
shou'd you not think 'twere possible I might go one step        #
farther, and
enquire his Name?
(^Lov.^)
( (^aside^) )
She has Reason on her side: I have talk'd too much: But
I must turn it off another way.
( (^To Aman.^) )
Will you then make no difference, (^Amanda^) , between the
Language of our Sex and yours? There is a Modesty restrains     #
your
Tongues, which makes you speak by halves when you commend; but
roving Flattery gives a loose to ours, which makes us still     #
speak double
what we think: You shou'd not therefore, in so strict a sense,  #
take what
I said to her Advantage.
(^Aman.^) Those flights of Flattery, Sir, are to our Faces      #
only: When
Women once are out of hearing, you are as modest in your        #
Commendations
as we are. But I shan't put you to the trouble of farther       #
Excuses,
if you please this Business shall rest here. Only give me       #
leave to wish
both for your Peace and mine, that you may never meet this      #
Miracle of
Beauty more.
(^Lov.^) I am content.

(^Enter Servant.^)

(^Serv.^) Madam, there's a young Lady at the Door in a Chair,   #
desires to
know whether your Ladyship sees Company. I think her Name is    #
(^Berinthia^) .
(^Aman.^) O dear! 'tis a Relation I have not seen this five     #
Years. Pray
her to walk in.
( (^Exit Servant.
To Lov.^) )
Here's another Beauty for you. She was young when I saw
her last; but I hear she's grown extremely handsome.
(^Lov.^) Don't you be jealous now; for I shall gaze upon her    #
too.

(^Enter^) Berinthia.

(^Lov.^)
( (^aside^) )
Ha! By Heavens the very Woman.
(^Ber.^)
( (^saluting Aman.^) )
Dear (^Amanda^) , I did not expect to meet with you
in Town.
<P I,35>
(^Aman.^) Sweet Cousin, I'm over-joy'd to see you.
( (^To Lov.^) )
Mr. (^Loveless^) ,
here's a Relation and a Friend of mine, I desire you'll be      #
better
acquainted with.
(^Lov.^)
( (^saluting Ber.^) )
If my Wife never desires a harder thing, Madam,
her Request will be easily granted.
(^Ber.^)
( (^to Aman.^) )
I think, Madam, I ought to wish you Joy.
(^Aman.^) Joy! Upon what?
(^Ber.^) Upon your Marriage: You were a Widow when I saw you    #
last.
(^Lov.^) You ought rather, Madam, to wish me Joy upon that,     #
since I am
the only Gainer.
(^Ber.^) If she has got so good a Husband as the World          #
reports, she has    
gain'd enough to expect the Complements of her Friends upon it.
(^Lov.^) If the World is so favourable to me, to allow I        #
deserve that Title,
I hope 'tis so just to my Wife to own I derive it from her.
(^Ber.^) Sir, it is so just to you both, to own you are, (and   #
deserve to be,)
the happiest Pair that live in it.
(^Lov.^) I'm afraid we shall lose that Character, Madam,        #
whenever you 
happen to change your Condition.

(^Enter Servant.^)

(^Ser.^) Sir, my Lord (^Foppington^) presents his humble        #
Service to you, and
desires to know how you do. He but just now heard you were in   #
Town.
He's at the next door; and if it be not inconvenient, he'll     #
come and wait
upon you.
(^Lov.^) Lord (^Foppington^) ! - I know him not.
(^Ber.^) Not his Dignity, perhaps, but you do his Person. 'Tis  #
Sir (^Novelty^) ;
he has bought a Barony in order to marry a great Fortune: His   #
Patent
has not been pass'd eight-and-forty Hours, and he has already   #
sent How-do-ye's
to all the Town, to make 'em acquainted with his Title.
(^Lov.^) Give my Service to his Lordship, and let him know, I   #
am proud
of the Honour he intends me.
( (^Ex. Ser.^) )
Sure this Addition of Quality,
must have so improv'd this Coxcomb, he can't but be very good   #
Company
for a quarter of an Hour.
(^Aman.^) Now it moves my Pity more than my Mirth, to see a     #
Man whom
Nature has made no Fool, be so very industrious to pass for an  #
Ass.
(^Lov.^) No, there you are wrong, (^Amanda^) ; you shou'd       #
never bestow your
pity upon those who take pains for your Contempt. Pity those    #
whom
Nature abuses but never those who abuse Nature.
(^Ber.^) Besides, the Town wou'd be robb'd of one of its chief  #
Diversions,
if it shou'd become a Crime to laugh at a Fool.
(^Aman.^) I cou'd never yet perceive the Town inclin'd to part  #
with any
of its diversions, for the sake of their being Crimes; but I    #
have seen it
very fond of some, I think, had little else to recommend 'em.
<P I,36>
(^Ber.^) I doubt, (^Amanda^) , you are grown its Enemy, you     #
speak with so
much warmth against it.
(^Aman.^) I must confess I am not much its Friend.
(^Ber.^) Then give me leave to make you mine, by not engaging   #
in its
Quarrel.
(^Aman.^) You have many stronger Claims than that,              #
(^Berinthia^) , whenever
you think fit to plead your Title.
(^Lov.^) You have done well to engage a Second, my Dear; for    #
he comes
one will be apt to call you to an account for your              #
Country-Principles.

(^Enter Lord^) Foppington.

(^Lord Fop.^)
( (^to Lov.^) )
Sir, I am your most humble Servant.
(^Lov.^) I wish you Joy, my Lord.
(^Lord Fop.^) O Lard, Sir - Madam, your Ladyship's welcome to
Tawn.
(^Aman.^) I wish your Lordship Joy.
(^Lord Fop.^) O Heavens, Madam - 
(^Lov.^) My Lord, this young Lady is a Relation of my Wives.
(^Lord Fop.^)
( (^saluting her.^) )
The beautifull'st Race of People upon Earth:
Rat me. Dear (^Loveless^) , I am overjoy'd to see you have      #
braught your
Family to Tawn again; I am, stap my Vitals - 
( (^Aside.^) )
Far I design
to lye with your Wife.
( (^To Aman.^) )
Far Gad's sake, Madam, haw has
your Ladyship been able to subsist thus long, under the         #
Fatigue of a
Country Life?
(^Aman.^) My Life has been very far from that, my Lord; it has  #
been a
very quiet one.
(^Lord Fop.^) Why, that's the Fatigue I speak of, Madam: For    #
'tis impossible
to be quiet, without thinking: Now thinking is to me, the       #
greatest
Fatigue in the World.
(^Aman.^) Does not your Lordship love reading then?
(^Lord Fop.^) Oh, passionately, Madam - But I never think of    #
what
I read.
(^Ber.^) Why, can your Lordship read without thinking?
(^Lord Fop.^) O Lard - Can your Ladyship pray without Devotion  #
- 
Madam?
(^Aman.^) Well, I must own I think Books the best               #
Entertainment in the
World.
(^Lord Fop.^) I am so much of your Ladyship's Mind, Madam;      #
that I have
a private Gallery (where I walk sometimes) is furnish'd with    #
nothing but
Books and Looking-glasses. Madam, I have guilded 'em, and       #
rang'd 'em,
so prettily, before Gad, it is the most entertaining thing in   #
the World to
walk and look upon 'em.
<P I,37>
(^Aman.^) Nay, I love a neat Library too; but 'tis, I think,    #
the Inside of
a Book shou'd recommend it most to us.
(^Lord Fop.^) That, I must confess, I am nat altogether so      #
fand of. Far
to mind the inside of a Book, is to entertain ones self with    #
the forc'd
Product of another Man's Brain. Naw I think a Man of Quality    #
and
Breeding may be much diverted with the Natural Sprauts of his   #
own. But
to say the truth, Madam, let a Man love reading never so well,  #
when once
he comes to know this Tawn, he finds so many better ways of     #
passing away
the Four and Twenty Hours, that 'twere Ten Thousand pities he   #
shou'd
consume his time in that. Far example, Madam, my Life; my Life,
Madam, is a perpetual Stream of Pleasure, that glides thro'     #
such a Variety
of Entertainments, I believe the wisest of our Ancestors never  #
had the least
Conception of any of 'em.
   I rise, Madam, about Ten a-Clock. I don't rise sooner,       #
because 'tis the
worst thing in the World for the Complexion; nat that I         #
pretend to be
a Beau; but a Man must endeavour to look wholesome, lest he     #
makes so
nauseous a Figure in the Side-bax, the Ladies shou'd be         #
compell'd to turn
their Eyes upon the Play. So at Ten o'clock I say I rise. Naw   #
if I find
'tis a good Day, I resalve to take a Turn in the Park, and see  #
the fine
Women; so huddle on my Cloaths, and get dress'd by One. If it   #
be nasty
Weather, I take a Turn in the Chocolate-hause; where, as you    #
walk,
Madam, you have the prettiest Prospect in the World; you have   #
Looking-glasses
all round you - But I'm afraid I tire the Company.
(^Ber.^) Not at all. Pray go on.
(^Lord Fop.^) Why then, Ladies, from thence I go to Dinner at   #
(^Lacket's^) ,
and there you are so nicely and delicately serv'd, that, stap   #
my Vitals, they
shall compose you a Dish, no bigger than a Saucer, shall come   #
to fifty
Shillings.
   Between eating my Dinner, (and washing my Mauth, Ladies) I   #
spend
my time, till I go to the Play; where, till Nine a-Clack, I     #
entertain my self
with looking upon the Company; and usually dispose of one Hour  #
more
in leading them aut. So there's twelve of the Four-and-Twenty   #
pretty
well over.
   The other Twelve, Madam, are dispos'd of in Two Articles:    #
In the
first Four, I toast my self drunk, and in t'other Eight I       #
sleep my self sober
again. Thus, Ladies, you see my Life is an eternal raund O of   #
Delights.
(^Lov.^) 'Tis a heavenly one, indeed!
(^Aman.^) But, my Lord, you (^Beaux^) spend a great deal of     #
your Time in
Intrigues: You have given us no Account of them yet.
(^Lord Fop.^)
( (^aside.^) )
Soh, she wou'd enquire into my Amours - That's
Jealousie - She begins to be in love with me.
( (^To Aman.^) )
Why,
Madam - as to time for my Intrigues, I usually make             #
Detachments of
it from my other Pleasures, according to the Exigency: Far      #
your Ladyship
<P I,38>
may please to take notice, that those who intrigue with Women   #
of
Quality, have rarely occasion far above half an Hour at a       #
time: People of
that Rank being under those Decorums, they can seldom give you  #
a langer
View, than will just serve to shoot 'em flying. So that the     #
Course of my
other Pleasures is not very much interrupted by my Amours.
(^Lov.^) But your Lordship now is become a Pillar of the        #
State; you must
attend the weighty Affairs of the Nation.
(^Lord Fop.^) Sir - as to weighty Affairs - I leave them to     #
weighty
Heads. I never intend mine shall be a Burthen to my Body.
(^Lov.^) O, but you'll find the House will expect your          #
Attendance.
(^Lord Fop.^) Sir, you'll find the House will compound for my   #
Appearance.
(^Lov.^) But your Friends will take it ill if you don't attend  #
their particular
Causes.
(^Lord Fop.^) Not, Sir, if I come time enough to give 'em my    #
particular
Vote.
(^Ber.^) But pray, my Lord, how do you dispose of yourself on   #
(^Sundays^) ;
for that, methinks, shou'd hang wretchedly on your hands.
(^Lord Fop.^) Why, Faith, Madam - (^Sunday^) - is a vile day,   #
I must
confess. I intend to move for leave to bring in a Bill, That    #
the Players
may work upon it, as well as the Hackney Coaches. Tho' this I   #
must say
for the Government, it leaves us the Churches to entertain us   #
- But then
again, they begin so abominable early, a Man must rise by       #
Candle-light
to get dress'd by the Psalm.
(^Ber.^) Pray which Church does your Lordship most oblige with  #
your
Presence?
(^Lord Fop.^) Oh, St. (^James's^) , Madam - There's much the    #
best
Company.
(^Aman.^) Is there good Preaching too?
(^Lord Fop.^) Why, Faith, Madam - I can't tell. A Man must have
very little to do there, that can give an Account of the        #
Sermon.
(^Ber.^) You can give us an Account of the Ladies, at least.
(^Lord Fop.^) Or I deserve to be excommunicated - There is my   #
Lady
(^Tattle^) , my Lady (^Prate^) , my Lady (^Titter^) , my Lady   #
(^Leer^) , my Lady (^Giggle^) ,
and my Lady (^Grin^) . These sit in the Front of the Boxes,     #
and all Churchtime
are the prettiest Company in the World, stap my Vitals.
( (^To Aman.^) )
Mayn't we hope for the Honour to see your Ladyship added to     #
our Society,
Madam?
(^Aman.^) Alas, my Lord, I am the worst Company in the World at
Church: I'm apt to mind the Prayers, or the Sermon, or - 
(^Lord Fop.^) One is indeed strangely apt at Church to mind     #
what one 
should not do. But I hope, Madam, at one time or other, I       #
shall have
the Honour to lead your Ladyship to your Coach there.
( (^Aside^) )
Methinks
she seems strangely pleas'd with every thing I say to her -     #
'Tis a vast
<P I,39>
Pleasure to receive Encouragement from a Woman before her       #
Husband's
Face - I have a good mind to pursue my Conquest, and speak the  #
thing
plainly to her at once - I'gad, I'll do't, and that in so       #
Cavallier a manner,
she shall be surpriz'd at it - Ladies, I'll take my Leave; I'm  #
afraid I
begin to grow troublesome with the length of my Visit.
(^Aman.^) Your Lordship's too entertaining to grow troublesome  #
any where.
(^Lord Fop.^)
( (^aside.^) )
That now was as much as if she had said - Pray
lie with me. I'll let her see I'm quick of Apprehension.
( (^To Aman.^) )
O Lard, Madam, I had like to have forgot a Secret, I must       #
needs tell your
Ladyship.
( (^To Lov.^) )
(^Ned^) , you must not be so jealous now as to listen.
(^Lov.^) Not I, my Lord; I'm too fashionable a Husband to pry   #
into the
Secrets of my Wife.
(^Lord Fop.^)
( (^to^) Aman. (^squeezing her Hand^) )
I am in love with you to
Desperation, strike me speechless.
(^Aman.^)
( (^giving him a Box o' th' Ear.^) )
Then thus I return your Passion;
An impudent Fool!
(^Lord Fop.^) Gad's Curse, Madam, I'm a Peer of the Realm.
(^Lov.^) Hey; what the Devil do you affront my Wife, Sir? Nay   #
then - 
( (^They draw and fight. The Women run shrieking for Help.^) )
(^Aman.^) Ah! What has my Folly done? Help; Murder, help: Part
'em for Heaven's sake.
(^Lord Fop.^)
( (^falling back, and leaning upon his Sword.^) )
Ah - quite thro'
the Body - Stap my Vitals.

(^Enter Servants.^)

(^Lov.^)
( (^running to him.^) )
I hope I han't kill'd the Fool however - Bear
him up! Where's your Wound?
(^Lord Fop.^) Just thro' the Guts.
(^Lov.^) Call a Surgeon there: Unbutton him quickly.
(^Lord Fop.^) Ay, pray make haste.
(^Lov.^) This Mischief you may thank your self for.
(^Lord Fop.^) I may so - Love's the Devil indeed, (^Ned^) .

(^Enter^) Serringe (^and Servant^) .

(^Serv.^) Here's Mr (^Serringe^) , Sir, was just going by the   #
Door.
(^Lord Fop.^) He's the welcom'st Man alive.
(^Ser.^) Stand by, stand by, stand by. Pray, Gentlemen stand    #
by. Lord
have mercy upon us, did you never see a Man run thro' the Body  #
before?
Pray stand by.
(^Lord Fop.^) Ah, Mr. (^Serringe^) - I'm a dead Man.
(^Ser.^) A dead Man, and I by - I shou'd laugh to see that,     #
I'gad.   
(^Lov.^) Prithee don't stand prating, but look upon his Wound.
(^Ser.^) Why, what if I won't look upon his Wound this Hour,    #
Sir?
(^Lov.^) Why then he'll bleed to Death, Sir.
<P I,40>
(^Ser.^) Why, then I'll fetch him to Life again, Sir.
(^Lov.^) 'Slife, he's run thro' the Guts, I tell thee.
(^Ser.^) Wou'd he were run thro' the Heart, I shou'd get the    #
more Credit
by his Cure. Now I hope you are satisfy'd? - Come, now let me   #
come
at him; now let me come at him.
( (^Viewing his Wound.^) )
Oons, what a
Gash is here? - Why, Sir, a Man may drive a Coach and Six       #
Horses
into your Body.
(^Lord Fop.^) Ho - 
(^Ser.^) Why, what the Devil, have you run the Gentleman thro'  #
with a
Sythe - 
( (^Aside.^) )
A little Prick between the Skin and the Ribs,
that's all.
(^Lov.^) Let me see his Wound.
(^Ser.^) Then you shall dress it, Sir; for if any body looks    #
upon it, I won't.
(^Lov.^) Why, thou art the veriest Coxcomb I ever saw.
(^Ser.^) Sir, I am not Master of my Trade for nothing.
(^Lord Fop.^) Surgeon.
(^Ser.^) Well, Sir.
(^Lord Fop.^) Is there any Hopes?
(^Ser.^) Hopes? - I can't tell - What are you willing to give   #
for your
Cure?
(^Lord Fop.^) Five hundred Paunds with Pleasure.
(^Ser.^) Why then, perhaps there may be Hopes. But we must      #
avoid
farther Delay. Here; help the Gentleman into a Chair, and       #
carry him to
my House presently, that's the properest place
( (^Aside.^) )
to bubble him out
of his Money. Come, a Chair, a Chair quickly - there, in with   #
him.
( (^They put him into a Chair.^) )
(^Lord Fop.^) Dear (^Loveless^) - Adieu. If I die - I forgive   #
thee; and
if I live - I hope thou'lt do as much by me. I am very sorry    #
you and
I shou'd quarrel; but I hope here's an end on't, for if you     #
are satisfy'd - 
I am.
(^Lov.^) I shall hardly think it worth my prosecuting any       #
farther, so you
may be at rest, Sir.
(^Lord Fop.^) Thou art a generous Fellow, strike me Dumb. 
( (^Aside.^) )
But
thou hast an impertinent Wife, stap my Vitals.
(^Ser.^) So, carry him off, carry him off, we shall have him    #
prate himself
into a Fever by and by; carry him off. 
( (^Ex.^) Serv. (^with Lord Fop^) .)
(^Aman.^) Now on my Knees, my Dear, let me ask your pardon for  #
my
Indiscretion, my own I never shall obtain.
(^Lov.^) O! there's no harm done: You serv'd him well.
(^Aman.^) He did indeed deserve it. But I tremble to think how  #
dear my
indiscreet Resentment might have cost you.
(^Lov.^) O no matter; never trouble your-self about that.
(^Ber.^) For Heaven's sake, what was't he did to you?
<P I,41>
(^Aman.^) O nothing; he only squeez'd me kindly by the Hand,    #
and
frankly offer'd me a Coxcomb's Heart. I know I was to blame to  #
resent
it as I did, since nothing but a Quarrel cou'd ensue. But the   #
Fool so
surpriz'd me with his Insolence, I was not Mistress of my       #
Fingers.
(^Ber.^) Now I dare swear, he thinks you had 'em at great       #
Command, they
obey'd you so readily.

<S SAMPLE 2>
<P I,57>
[}SCENE III, A COUNTRY-HOUSE.}]

(^Enter^) Young Fashion (^and^) Lory.

(^Y. Fash.^) So, here's our Inheritance, (^Lory^) , if we can   #
but get into Possession.
But methinks, the Seat of our Family looks like
(^Noah's^) Ark, as if the chief part on't were design'd for     #
the Fowls of the
Air, and the Beasts of the Field.
(^Lo.^) Pray, Sir, don't let your Head run upon the Orders of   #
Building
here; get but the Heiress, let the Devil take the House.
(^Y. Fash.^) Get but the House, let the Devil take the          #
Heiress, I say; at
least if she be as old (^Coupler^) describes her. But come, we  #
have no time
to squander. Knock at the Door.
(Lory (^knocks two or three times^) .)
What
the Devil, have they got no Ears in this House? Knock harder.
(^Lo.^) Igad, Sir, this will prove some Inchanted Castle; we    #
shall have
the Gyant come out by and by with his Club, and beat our        #
Brains out.
( (^Knocks again.^) )
(^Y. Fash.^) Hush; they come.
( (^From within.^) )
Who is there?
(^Lo.^) Open the Door and see: Is that your Country Breeding?
(^Within.^)
Ay, but two Words to a Bargain: (^Tummas^) , is the Blunderbus
prim'd?
(^Y. Fash.^) Oons, give 'em good Words, (^Lory^) ; we shall be  #
shot here a
Fortune catching.
(^Lo.^) Igad, Sir, I think y'are in the right on't. Ho, Mr.     #
What d'ye
call 'um. - 
( (^Servant appears at the Window with a Blunderbus^) )
Weall, naw what's
yare business?
(^Y. Fash.^) Nothing, Sir, but to wait upon Sir (^Tunbelly^) ,  #
with your leave.
<P I,58>
(^Ser.^) To weat upon Sir (^Tunbelly^) ? Why, you'll find       #
that's just as Sir
(^Tunbelly^) pleases.
(^Y. Fash.^) But will you do me the Favour, Sir, to know        #
whether Sir
(^Tunbelly^) pleases or not?
(^Ser.^) Why, look you, do you see, with good words much may    #
be done.
(^Ralph^) , go thy weas, and ask Sir (^Tunbelly^) if he         #
pleases to be waited upon.
And, do'st hear? call to Nurse, that she may lock up Miss       #
(^Hoyden^) before
the Geats open.
(^Y. Fash.^) D'ye hear that, (^Lory^) ?
(^Lo.^) Ay, Sir, I'm afraid we shall find a difficult Job       #
on't. Pray Heaven
that Old Rogue (^Coupler^) han't sent us to fetch Milk out of   #
the Gunroom.
(^Y. Fash.^) I'll warrant thee all will go well: See; the Door  #
opens.

(^Enter Sir^) Tunbelly, (^with his Servants, Arm'd with
Guns, Clubs, Pitchforks, Sythes, &c.^)

(^Lo.^)
( (^running behind his Master.^) )
O Lord, O Lord, O Lord, we are both
dead Men.
(^Y. Fash.^) Take heed, Fool, thy Fear will ruine us.
(^Lo.^) My Fear, Sir; 'Sdeath, Sir, I fear nothing.
( (^aside.^) )
Wou'd I were
well up to the Chin in a Horse-Pond.
(^Sir Tun.^) Who is it here has any business with me?
(^Y. Fash.^) Sir, 'tis I, if your Name be Sir (^Tunbelly        #
Clumsey^) .
(^Sir Tun.^) Sir, my name is Sir (^Tunbelly Clumsey^) ,         #
whither you have any
business with me or not. So you see I am not asham'd of my      #
Name - 
nor my Face neither.
(^Y. Fash.^) Sir, you have no Cause, that I know of.
(^Sir Tun.^) Sir, if you have no Cause neither, I desire to     #
know who you
are; for till I know your Name, I shall not ask you to come     #
into my
House; and when I know your Name - 'tis six to four I don't     #
ask you
neither.
(^Y. Fash.^)
( (^giving him a Letter.^) )
Sir, I hope you'll find this Letter an
Authentick Passport.
(^Sir Tun.^) Cod's my life I ask your Lordship's Pardon Ten     #
Thousand 
times.
( (^To his Servants.^) )
Here run in a-doors quickly: Get a Scotch Coal
Fire in the Great Parlour; set all the Turkey-work Chairs in    #
their places;     
get the great Brass Candlesticks out, and be sure stick the     #
Sockets full
of Laurel, run.
( (^Turning to^) Young Fash.)
My Lord, I ask your Lordship's
Pardon.
( (^To other Servants.^) )
And do you hear, run away to Nurse,
bid her let Miss (^Hoyden^) loose again, and if it was not      #
shifting Day, let
her put on a clean Tucker, quick.
( (^Exeunt Servants confusedly.
To^) Young Fash.)
I hope your Honour will excuse the disorder of my
Family, we are not us'd to receive Men of your Lordship's great #
Quality
every day; pray where are your Coaches and Servants, my Lord?
<P I,59>
(^Y. Fash.^) Sir, that I might give you and your fair Daughter  #
a proof how    
impatient I am to be nearer a kin to you, I left my Equipage    #
to follow
me, and came away Post, with only one Servant.
(^Sir Tun.^) Your Lordship does me too much honour, it was      #
exposing
your Person to too much Fatigue and Danger, I protest it was;   #
but my
Daughter shall endeavour to make you what amends she can; and   #
tho'
I say it, that shou'd not say it - (^Hoyden^) has Charms.
(^Y. Fash.^) Sir, I am not a Stranger to them, tho' I am to     #
her. Common
Fame has done her Justice.
(^Sir Tun.^) My Lord, I am Common Fame's very grateful humble   #
Servant.
My Lord - my Girl's young, (^Hoyden^) is young, my Lord; but
this I must say for her, what she wants in Art, she has by      #
Nature; what
she wants in Experience, she has in Breeding; and what's        #
wanting in her
Age, is made good in her Constitution. So pray, my Lord, walk   #
in; pray 
my Lord, walk in.
(^Y. Fash.^) Sir, I wait upon you.
( (\Exeunt.\) )

[}SCENE IV. A ROOM IN THE SAME.}]

(^Miss Hoyden^) sola.

   Sure never no body was us'd as I am. I know well enough      #
what other
Girls do, for all they think to make a Fool of me: It's well I  #
have a
Husband a coming, or Icod, I'd marry the Baker, I wou'd so. No  #
body
can knock at the Gate, but presently I must be lockt up; and    #
here's the
young Greyhound Bitch can run loose about the House all the     #
day long,
she can; 'tis very well.

Nurse (^without, opening the Door^) .

Miss (^Hoyden^) , Miss, Miss, Miss; Miss (^Hoyden^) .

(^Enter^) Nurse.

(^Miss.^) Well, what do you make such a Noise for, ha? What do  #
you
din a Bodies Ears for? Can't one be at quiet for you?
(^Nurse.^) What do I din your Ears for? Here's one come will    #
din your
Ears for you.
(^Miss.^) What care I who's come; I care not a Fig who comes,   #
nor who
goes, as long as I must be lock'd up like the Ale-Cellar.
(^Nurse.^) That, Miss, is for fear you shou'd be drank before   #
you are Ripe.
(^Miss.^) O, don't you trouble your Head about that; I'm as     #
Ripe as you,
tho' not so Mellow.
<P I,60>
(^Nurse.^) Very well; now I have a good mind to lock you up     #
again, and
not let you see my Lord to-night.
(^Miss.^) My Lord? Why is my Husband come?
(^Nurse.^) Yes, marry is he, and a goodly Person, too.
(^Miss.^)
( (^hugging Nurse.^) )
O my dear (^Nurse^) , forgive me this once, and 
I'll
never misuse you again; no, if I do, you shall give me three    #
thumps on
the Back, and a great pinch by the Cheek.
(^Nurse.^) Ah the poor Thing, see how it melts; it's as full    #
of good Nature
as an Egg's full of Meat.
(^Miss.^) But, my dear (^Nurse^) , don't lie now; is he come    #
by your troth?
(^Nurse.^) Yes, by my truly, is he.
(^Miss.^) O Lord! I'll go and put on my Lac'd Smock, tho' I am  #
whipt
till the Blood run down my Heels for't.
( (^Exit running.^) )
(^Nurse.^) Eh - the Lord succour thee, how thou art delighted.
( (^Exit after her.^) )

[}SCENE V. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.}]

(^Enter Sir^) Tunbelly (^and^) Young Fashion. (^A Servant
with Wine.^)

(^Sir Tun.^) My Lord, I am proud of the Honour to see your      #
Lordship
within my Doors; and I humbly crave leave to bid you welcome    #
in a Cup
of Sack Wine.
(^Y. Fash.^) Sir, to your Daughter's Health.
( (^Drinks.^) )
(^Sir Tun.^) Ah poor Girl, she'll be scar'd out of her Wits on  #
her Wedding
Night; for, honestly speaking, she does not know a Man from a 
Woman, but by his Beard, and his Britches.
(^Y. Fash.^) Sir, I don't doubt she has a Vertuous Education,   #
which with
the rest of her Merit, makes me long to see her mine. I wish    #
you wou'd
dispense with the Canonical Hour, and let it be this very       #
Night.
(^Sir Tun.^) O not so soon neither; that's shooting my Girl     #
before you
bid her stand. No, give her fair warning; we'll Sign and Seal   #
to Night
if you please; and this Day seven-night - let the Jade look to  #
her
Quarters.
(^Y. Fash.^) This Day Sennight - Why, what do you take me for a
Ghost, Sir?
(^Aside^) [^IN THE EDITION THE WORD Aside APPEARS AFTER THE     #
WORDS a month with her^]   
'Slife, Sir, I'm made of Flesh and Blood, and Bones and         #
Sinews, and can
no more live a Week without your Daughter - Than I can live a   #
Month
with her.
(^Sir Tun.^) Oh, I'll warrant you my Hero, young Men are hot I  #
know,
<P I,61>
but they don't boyl over at that rate, neither; besides, my     #
Wenches
Wedding Gown is not come home yet.
(^Y. Fash.^) O, no matter, Sir, I'll take her in her Shift.
( (^Aside.^) )
A Pox 
of this Old Fellow, he'll delay the business till my damn'd     #
Star finds me
out, and discovers me.
(To (^Sir^) Tun.)
Pray, Sir, let it be done without a Ceremony, 'twill save
Money.
(^Sir Tun.^) Money - Save Money when (^Hoyden's^) to be         #
married? Udswoons
I'll give my Wench a Wedding-Dinner, tho' I go to Grass with
the King of (^Assyria^) for't, and such a Dinner it shall be,   #
as is not to be
Cook'd in the Poaching of an Egg. Therefore, my Noble Lord,     #
have a
little Patience, we'll go and look over our Deeds and           #
Settlements immediately;
and as for your Bride, tho' you may be sharp set before she's
quite ready, I'll engage for my Girl, she stays your Stomach    #
at last.
( (\Exeunt.\) )

[}ACT IV. SCENE I.}]

(^A Room in^) Sir Tunbelly Clumsey's (^Country House^) .

(^Enter Miss^) Hoyden (^and^) Nurse.

(^Nurse.^) Well (^Miss^) , how do you like your Husband that    #
is to be?
(^Miss.^) O Lord, (^Nurse^) , I'm so overjoy'd, I can scarce
contain my self.
(^Nurse.^) O, but you must have a care of being too fond, for   #
Men now
a days hate a Woman that loves 'em.
(^Miss.^) Love him? Why do you think I love him, (^Nurse^) ?    #
ICod, I would
not care if he were hang'd, so I were but once Married to him   #
- No
- that which pleases me, is to think what work I'll make when   #
I get
to (^London^) ; for when I am a Wife and a Lady both            #
(^Nurse^) , ICod, I'll
flant it with the best of 'em.
(^Nurse.^) Look, look, if his Honour be not a coming to you;    #
now if I
were sure you wou'd behave yourself handsomely, and not         #
disgrace me
that have brought you up, I'd leave you alone together.
(^Miss.^) That's my best Nurse, do as you wou'd be done by;     #
trust us
together this once; and if I don't shew my Breeding from the    #
head to
the foot of me, may I be twice Married, and die a Maid.
(^Nurse.^) Well, this once I'll venture you; but if you         #
disparage me - 
(^Miss.^) Never fear, I'll shew him my Parts, I'll warrant him.
( (^Exit Nurse.^) )

(^Sola.^)

These old women are so wise when they get a poor Girl in their
<P I,62>
Clutches; but e'er it be long, I shall know what's what, as     #
well as
the best of 'em.

(^Enter^) Young Fashion.

(^Y. Fash.^) Your Servant, Madam, I'm glad to find you alone,   #
for I have
something of Importance to speak to you about.
(^Miss.^) Sir, (my Lord, I meant) you may speak to me about     #
what you
please, I shall give you a Civil Answer.
(^Y. Fash.^) You give me so obliging a one, it encourages me    #
to tell you
in few words, what I think both for your interest and mine.     #
Your Father,
I suppose you know, has resolv'd to make me happy in being your
Husband, and I hope I may depend upon your Consent, to perform  #
what
he desires.
(^Miss.^) Sir, I never disobey my Father in any thing, but      #
eating of green
Gooseberries.
(^Y. Fash.^) So good a Daughter must needs be an admirable      #
Wife; I am
therefore impatient 'till you are mine; and hope you will so    #
far consider
the violence of my Love, that you won't have the Cruelty to     #
defer my
Happiness so long as your Father designs it.
(^Miss.^) Pray, my Lord, how long is it?
(^Y. Fash.^) Madam, a thousand year - a whole Week.
(^Miss.^) A week - why, I shall be an old Woman by that time.
(^Y. Fash.^) And I an old Man, which you'll find a greater      #
Misfortune
than t'other.
(^Miss.^) Why I thought 'twas to be to morrow morning, as soon  #
as I was
up; I'm sure Nurse told me so.
(^Y. Fash.^) And it shall be to morrow Morning still, if        #
you'll consent?
(^Miss.^) If I'll consent? Why I thought I was to obey you as   #
my
Husband?
(^Y. Fash.^) That's when we are Married; 'till then, I am to    #
obey you.
(^Miss.^) Why then if we are to take it by turns, it's the      #
same thing; I'll
obey you now, and when we are Married, you shall obey me.
(^Y. Fash.^) With all my heart, but I doubt we must get Nurse   #
on our side,
or we shall hardly prevail with the Chaplain.
(^Miss.^) No more we shan't indeed, for he loves her better     #
than he loves
his Pulpit, and wou'd always be a preaching to her, by his      #
good will.
(^Y. Fash.^) Why then my dear little Bedfellow, if you'll call  #
her hither,
we'll try to perswade her presently.
(^Miss.^) O Lord, I can tell you a way how to perswade her to   #
any thing.
(^Y. Fash.^) How's that?
(^Miss.^) Why tell her she's a wholesom, Comely Woman - and     #
give
her Half a Crown.
(^Y. Fash.^) Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score  #
of 'em.
<P I,63>
(^Miss.^) O Gemini, for half that she'd Marry you herself:      #
I'll run and
call her.
( (^Exit^) Miss.)

(^Young Fashion^) solus.

   So, Matters go swimmingly; this is a rare Girl, I'faith; I   #
shall have
a fine time on't with her at (^London^) ; I'm much mistaken,    #
if she don't
prove a (^March^) Hare all the year round. What a scamp'ring    #
Chace will
she make on't, when she finds the whole Kennel of Beaux at her  #
Tail!
Hey to the Park and the Play, and the Church, and the Devil;    #
she'll shew
'em sport I'll warrant 'em. But no matter, she brings an        #
Estate will afford
me a separate Maintenance.

(^Enter^) Miss (^and^) Nurse.

(^Y. Fash.^) How do you do, good Mistress Nurse; I desir'd      #
your young
Lady would give me leave to see you, that I might thank you     #
for your
extraordinary Care and Conduct in her Education; pray accept    #
of this
small Acknowledgement for it at present, and depend upon my     #
farther
kindness, when I shall be that happy thing her Husband.
(^Nurse.^)
( (^aside.^) )
Gold by makings, your Honour's goodness is too great;
alas, all I can boast of is, I gave her pure good Milk, and so  #
your Honour
wou'd have said, an you had seen how the poor thing suck't it   #
- Eh,
God's Blessing on the sweet Face on't; how it us'd to hang at   #
this poor
Tett, and suck and squeeze, and kick and sprawl it wou'd, till  #
the Belly 
on't was so full, it wou'd drop off like a Leech.
(Miss (^to^) Nurse, (^taking her angrily aside^) .)
   Pray one word with you; prithee Nurse don't stand ripping    #
up Old
Stories, to make one asham'd before one's Love; do you think    #
such a fine
proper Gentleman as he, cares for a fiddlecome Tale of a        #
draggle-tail'd
Girl; if you have a mind to make him have a good Opinion of a   #
Woman,
don't tell him what one did then, tell him what one can do now.
( (^To Y. Fash.^) )
I hope your Honour will excuse my mismanners to
whisper before you, it was only to give some Orders about the   #
Family.
(^Y. Fash.^) O every thing, Madam, is to give way to Business;  #
besides,
good Housewifery is a very commendable Quality in a young Lady.
(^Miss.^) Pray Sir, are the young Ladies good Housewives at     #
(^London^) Town?
Do they darn their own Linnen?
(^Y. Fash.^) O no, they study how to spend Money, not to save   #
it.
(^Miss.^) I'Cod, I don't know but that may be better Sport      #
than t'other,
ha, Nurse.
(^Y. Fash.^) Well, you shall have your Choice when you come     #
there.
(^Miss.^) Shall I? - then by my troth I'll get there as fast    #
as I can.
(To (^Nurse^) .)
His Honour desires you'll be so kind, as to let us be
Married to Morrow.
(^Nurse.^) To Morrow, my dear Madam?
<P I,64>
(^Y. Fash.^) Yes, to Morrow sweet Nurse; privately; young       #
Folks you
know are impatient, and Sir (^Tunbelly^) wou'd make us stay a   #
Week for a
Wedding-Dinner. Now all things being Sign'd, and Seal'd, and    #
Agreed,
I fancy there cou'd be no great harm in practising a Scene or   #
two of Matrimony
in private, if it were only to give us the better assurance     #
when we
come to play it in publick.
(^Nurse.^) Nay, I must confess stolen Pleasures are sweet; but  #
if you shou'd be
married now, what will you do when Sir (^Tunbelly^) calls for   #
you to be wedd?
(^Miss.^) Why then we will be married again.
(^Nurse.^) What, twice my Child?
(^Miss.^) ICod, I don't care how often I'm Married, not I.
(^Y. Fash.^) Pray Nurse don't you be against your young Lady's  #
good;
for by this means she'll have the pleasure of two Wedding-Days.
( (^Miss to Nurse softly.^) )
And of two Wedding-Nights too, Nurse.
(^Nurse.^) Well, I'm such a tender-hearted Fool, I find I can   #
refuse 
nothing; so you shall e'en follow your own Inventions.
(^Miss.^) Shall I?
( (^Aside.^) )
O Lord, I cou'd leap over the Moon.
(^Y. Fash.^) Dear Nurse, this goodness of yours shan't go       #
unrewarded;
but now you must employ your power with Mr. (^Bull^) the        #
Chaplain, that
he may do us his Friendly Office too, and then we shall all be  #
happy; do
you think you can prevail with him?
(^Nurse.^) Prevail with him - or he shall never prevail with    #
me, I can
tell him that.
(^Miss.^) My Lord, she has had him upon the hip this seven      #
year.
(^Y. Fash.^) I'm glad to hear it; however, to strengthen your   #
interest with
him, you may let him know I have several fat Livings in my      #
Gift, and
that the first that falls shall be in your disposal.
(^Nurse.^) Nay, then I'll make him Marry more Folks than one,   #
I'll
promise him.
(^Miss.^) Faith do Nurse, make him marry you too, I'm sure      #
he'll do't for
a fat Living; for he loves Eating more than he loves his        #
Bible; and I
have often heard him say, a fat Living was the best Meat in     #
the World.
(^Nurse.^) Ay, and I'll make him commend the Sauce too, or      #
I'll bring his
Gown to a Cassock, I will so.
(^Y. Fash.^) Well Nurse, whilst you go and settle Matters with  #
him, your
Lady and I will go take a walk in the Garden.
(^Nurse.^) I'll do your Honour's business in the catching up    #
of a Garter.
( (^Exit Nurse.^) )
(^Y. Fash.^)
( (^Giving her his Hand.^) )
Come, Madam, dare you venture your
self alone with me?
(^Miss.^) O dear, yes, Sir, I don't think you'll do any thing   #
to me I need
be afraid on.
( (\Exeunt.\) )



