R01 0010 It was among these that Hinkle identified a photograph of Barco! R01 0020 For it seems that Barco, fancying himself a ladies' man (and why not, R01 0030 after seven marriages?), had listed himself for Mormon Beard roles R01 0040 at the instigation of his fourth murder victim who had said: "With R01 0050 your beard, dear, you ought to be in movies"! Mills R01 0060 secured Barco's photograph from the gentleman in charge, rushed to R01 0070 the Hollywood police station to report the theft, and less than five R01 0080 minutes later, detectives with his picture in hand were on the trail R01 0090 of Cal Barco. On their way, they stopped at every gas station R01 0100 along the main boulevards to question the attendants. Finally, at Ye R01 0110 Olde Gasse Filling Station on Avocado Avenue, they learned that R01 0120 their man, having paused to get oil for his car, had asked about the R01 0130 route to San Diego. They headed in that direction and, at San Juan R01 0140 Capistrano by-the-Sea came upon Barco sitting in the quaint old R01 0150 Spanish Mission Drive-in, eating a hot tamale. At the moment, Barco's R01 0160 back was to the road so he didn't see the detectives close in R01 0170 on his convertible which, in their quest for the stolen lap rug, they R01 0180 proceeded to search. The robe, however, was missing, for by that time R01 0190 Barco had disposed of it at a pawnshop in Glendale. The detectives R01 0200 placed Barco under arrest and, without informing him of the R01 0210 nature of the charge, took him back to Hollywood for questioning. R01 0220 Thus it was that Barco, apprehended for mere larceny, now began R01 0230 to suspect that one or another of his murders had been uncovered. During R01 0240 the return trip, Barco kept muttering to himself in meaningless R01 0250 phrases, such as: "They're under sand dunes **h They're better R01 0260 off, I tell you **h I saved their souls". The detective, commenting R01 0270 on Barco's behavior, felt that he merely belonged among the myriad R01 0280 citizens of our community who are mentally unhinged- that he was R01 0290 a more or less harmless "nut"! However while in his cell R01 0300 awaiting trial for theft, Barco, in a fit of apprehension, made an R01 0310 attempt to take his own life. The attempt had failed because, when R01 0320 endeavoring to cut his wrists, this murderer of seven women had fainted R01 0330 at the sight of blood. The jail authorities- attaching no particular R01 0340 significance to the episode- offered Barco whisky to revive him; R01 0350 but the old fellow, a lifelong teetotaler, refused it, and no more R01 0360 was thought of the matter. Then it was that District Attorney R01 0370 Welch entered the case. A man of vaulting ambition, with one eye R01 0380 on the mayorship of Los Angeles, nothing ever escaped him which might R01 0390 possibly lead to personal publicity. It was reported to Welch's R01 0400 office that a thief in the city jail had attempted suicide. Welch R01 0410 wanted to know why. No one knew. Now Welch had a pet theory that R01 0420 everyone is guilty of breaking more laws than he ever gets caught at. R01 0430 The suicide attempt looked to him like an opportunity to put his theory R01 0440 to the test. So he paid a call on Barco in his cell and began their R01 0450 chat by stating bluntly: "Barco, we've got the goods R01 0460 on you! It'll be a lot better if you come clean". At R01 0470 first Barco was evasive and shifty. But with Welch's relentless pursuit R01 0480 of the subject, Barco finally "broke" and started confessing R01 0490 to one murder after another. By the time Barco reached the count R01 0500 of three, the situation seemed to Welch almost too good to be true. But R01 0510 if true, it was the case of which he had dreamed, the case which would R01 0520 throw him into headlines all over America as the hero of a great R01 0530 murder trial. Welch summoned jail officials to Barco's cell. R01 0540 But to Welch's chagrin, the police captain pooh-poohed Welch's R01 0550 credulity in Barco's confession. Barco was clearly a "nut". R01 0560 It required strength, bravado, daring to commit murder. "That worm R01 0570 a murderer? Ridiculous"! Then, for the first time since his R01 0580 arrest, a glint of spirit lit Barco's eyes. His manhood had been attacked. R01 0590 He stiffened and rose to his feet. He'd show them! R01 0600 "Is that so"? he queried. "Well, for ten years I've been R01 0610 murdering women. I can lead you to every one of the bodies, and there R01 0620 ain't four, nor five, nor six of 'em- there's R01 0621 " R01 0630 The next day the police captain, in derision, organized what R01 0640 he termed "Welch's Wild Goose Chase". For indeed it seemed R01 0650 incredible that anyone could go on committing murder for ten years and R01 0660 not get caught at it, even in Hollywood. The searching party consisted R01 0670 of the police captain, Welch, Barco, policemen with shovels, newspaper R01 0680 reporters, and cameramen. Barco, his state of apprehension R01 0690 gone, never to return, had assumed a matter-of-factness which remained R01 0700 his principal attitude from that time on. He directed the cortege R01 0710 of autos to the sand dunes near Santa Monica. Stopping the cars at R01 0720 a fork in the road, he got out, paced off a certain distance to a spot R01 0730 between two shrub-covered sand hills, and indicated a location. R01 0740 Orders were given to dig. Nothing was found. Welch was worried. R01 0750 The police captain chortled. The newspaper boys cracked jokes and again R01 0760 Barco's pride was aroused. With greater precision he again paced R01 0770 off a location, this time a little more to the left. With R01 0780 quibs and gibes, the policemen again started digging. Welch was on edge. R01 0790 The captain was remarking that it was a nice day for a picnic when R01 0800 finally one of the shovels struck an object. "There's something R01 0810 here"! said the digger. Joking stopped and everyone gathered R01 0820 around. The digger, thrusting about with his shovel, now raised into R01 0830 view a package crudely wrapped in one of the murderer's Hollywood R01 0840 sport shirts. Although it was a mere fragment of the victim's remains, R01 0850 it was enough. Welch was wild with delight. His elation grew R01 0860 as Barco's seven disclosures brought to light one reward after another. R01 0870 Now did Welch truly become the man of the hour, and everything R01 0880 that followed in the procedure of Justice was a new triumph R01 0881 for R01 0890 him. It went to his head, and his ambition increased. It was R01 0900 apparent that Welch was in cahoots with Marshall and would use his power R01 0910 as D&A& to drag every possible sensation into the case. Every R01 0920 new scandal which would provide more "copy" for Marshall's R01 0930 pen would thus mean more publicity for Welch. I knew that both R01 0940 these cynics were waiting with impatience for the dramatic moment when R01 0950 Viola was called to the stand. Once there, the D&A& with devilish R01 0960 cleverness would provide Marshall with headlines: "Viola's R01 0970 Multiple Romances"**h "Viola Lake an Addict"**h "Downfall R01 0980 of Another Film Idol"! It would be fine publicity for the R01 0990 man who was willing to walk to the mayor's throne over the broken R01 1000 reputation of a helpless girl! I studied Welch closely as R01 1010 the trial progressed for any hint which might give me a lead as to how R01 1020 he might be thwarted. It wasn't long before I sensed that there was R01 1030 something deeper than overvaulting ambition back of his desire for R01 1040 Viola's destruction. He was bitter and resentful toward her, R01 1050 resentful. A dreadful fear entered my consciousness that perhaps R01 1060 he had entertained aspirations toward Viola's favors- or, even R01 1070 more serious perhaps, that he had attained a share of them and had R01 1080 then been superseded by some luckier chap. I did not rest until I had R01 1090 tracked the mystery down. Well, here it is. One day over a R01 1110 year before, there had been a cocktail party in an apartment of a downtown R01 1120 hotel. Viola had been urged to attend, by telephone, and not knowing R01 1130 the host or the character of the party, she had gone. She arrived R01 1140 late and as she entered the party, noted that gentlemen seemed to be R01 1150 in the majority; the air was thick with smoke, empty bottles were R01 1160 in evidence, and several of the guests were somewhat the worse for liquor. R01 1170 Naturally, Viola had no wish to remain, but she felt she R01 1180 couldn't leave so soon after her arrival, in all politeness to her R01 1190 host. And it so happened that adjacent to a couch on which she had taken R01 1200 refuge was a small table on which she noted a vase of red rosebuds; R01 1210 while projecting from beneath the couch were a pair of feet which, R01 1220 as Fate would have it, belonged to District Attorney Welch. R01 1230 As Viola sat there, a playful impulse overcame her to remove the shoes R01 1240 and socks from the unidentified feet and, as a prank, insert rosebuds R01 1250 between the toes. A little later the district attorney woke R01 1260 up, emerged from under the couch, looked at his watch, and realized R01 1270 he had an engagement that very hour to address a meeting of the Culture R01 1280 Forum on "The Civic Spirit of the Southland", in the Byzantine R01 1290 room of the hotel where his wife, as president of the forum, was R01 1300 to preside. He made his way to his host's bedroom where he carefully R01 1310 brushed himself off, neatly arranged his hair, and painstakingly selected R01 1320 his hat from the many on the bed. Then, noting neither the absence R01 1330 of his footwear nor the presence of the rosebuds, he made his way R01 1340 to the Byzantine room and, with his usual dignity, mounted the rostrum. R01 1350 The effect on the intellectuals among his audience may well be imagined. R01 1360 The incident, aside from reflecting on Welch's political R01 1370 career, had all but wrecked his home life. He never rested until R01 1380 he discovered who the culprit was, and when he did, he vowed vengeance R01 1390 on Viola Lake if ever the chance came his way. R01 1400 By such innocent actions are human tragedies sometimes set in R01 1410 motion. During these first days of the trial I didn't have R01 1420 as much time to commiserate with Viola as I should have liked. In the R01 1430 first place, it was difficult for us to meet. We couldn't be seen R01 1440 together, for the tongue of Scandal was ever ready to link our names, R01 1450 and the tongue of Scandal finds but one thing to say of the association R01 1460 of a man with a girl, no matter how innocent. I couldn't invite R01 1470 Viola to our house, for Mother snobbishly refused to receive her. R01 1480 Now the Czarship had not affected my own sense of social values, R01 1490 but Mother had attained a reflected glory through it, which had R01 1500 opened the doors of Los Angeles-Pasadena Society to her. There, Mother R01 1510 was received by the scions of aristocratic lines which are dominated R01 1520 by the Budweisers (of beer derivation), the Chalmers (of underwear R01 1530 origin), and the Heinzes (whose forbears founded a nationally famous R01 1540 trade in pickles). I hated being dragged into the salons of these R01 1550 aristocrats. But Mother insisted, for it is seldom indeed that anyone R01 1560 remotely connected with the cinema is ever received in their exclusive R01 1570 midsts. In fact, it was not until the King of Spain had visited R01 1580 at Pickfair that Mary and Doug were beckoned to cross the sacred R01 1590 barriers which separate Los Angeles and Pasadena from the . R01 1600 Mother even went so far as to trump up for me matrimonial R01 1610 opportunities with Pasadena debs who had been educated abroad, and R01 1620 with those of the more lenient Los Angeles area where a debutante was R01 1630 a girl who had been to high school. But at long last came a time when R01 1640 I broke away from Mother and her society "chi-chi" in order R01 1650 to spend a cosy evening with Viola and her chaperon at her home. R01 1660 However, such a hotbed of gossip had grown up during the trial, that R01 1670 every precaution had to be taken to keep my visit from being whispered R01 1680 to the world, Society, and even, alas, to my own mother. R01 1681 When I arrived at Viola's R01 1690 I was shown, to my surprise, into the . R01 1700 Viola greeted me, in checked apron, ladle in hand, and explained R01 1710 it was the cook's night out and that she herself was preparing R01 1720 dinner. I sat and watched proceedings. There was to be roast R01 1730 chicken with dressing, giblet gravy, asparagus, new peas with a sprig R01 1740 of mint, creamed onions, and mashed potatoes- all chosen, prepared, R01 1750 and cooked by Viola herself. R02 0010 I realized that Hamlet was faced with an entirely different problem, R02 0020 but his agony could have been no greater. The most that was accomplished R02 0030 was adding Mrs& Beige's tray to the dish pile, and by means R02 0040 of repeated threats, on an ascending scale, seeing that the girls dressed R02 0050 themselves, after a fashion. I was saved from making the R02 0060 decision as the phone rang, and the girls were upon me instantly. Here's R02 0070 a household hint: if you can't find your children, and get tired R02 0080 of calling them, pick up the phone. No matter if your children are R02 0090 at the movies, in school, visiting their grandmother, or on a field R02 0100 trip in some distant city, they will be upon you magically within seconds R02 0110 after you pick up the phone. Jennie and Miranda twined themselves R02 0120 around me, murmuring endearments. Louise climbed onto a stool R02 0130 and clutched the hand with which I was trying to hold the phone, claiming R02 0140 my immediate attention on grounds of extreme emergency. Somehow R02 0150 managing to get out a cool, poised, "Won't you hold on a second, R02 0160 please", I covered up the mouthpiece, and with more warmth and less R02 0170 poise, gave a quick lecture on crime and punishment, mostly the latter, R02 0180 including Devil's Island and the remoter reaches of Siberia. R02 0190 I promised to illustrate the lecture, if they so much as R02 0200 till after the call was completed. Speaking into the phone R02 0210 again and recognizing the caller, I resumed my everyday voice. Soon R02 0220 we were deep in a conversation that was interrupted many times by little R02 0230 things like Jennie's holding her breath and pretending to black R02 0240 out, Miranda's dumping the contents of the sugar bowl on the table, R02 0250 and various screeches, thuds, and giggles. Under the circumstances, R02 0260 I had difficulty keeping up with the conversation on the phone, but when R02 0270 I hung up I was reasonably certain that Francesca had wanted to R02 0280 remind me of our town meeting the next evening, and how important it R02 0290 was that Hank and I be there. I discovered that the girls had R02 0300 shrewdly vacated the kitchen, and were playing quietly in the living R02 0310 room. It seemed that I would be the gainer if I accepted the peace R02 0320 and quiet, instead of carrying out my threats. Resolving to get R02 0330 something done, I started in on the dishes. No. I'm not saying R02 0340 it right. What I meant to say was that I started to start in on the R02 0350 dishes by gathering them all together in the kitchen sink. They looked R02 0360 so formidable, however, so , that I found myself staring R02 0370 at them in dismay and starting to woolgather again, this time about R02 0380 Francesca and her husband. How about them, I thought. Francesca R02 0390 and Herbert were among the few people we knew in Catatonia. R02 0400 We didn't even know them till about a month after we moved- at that R02 0410 time, they had called on us, after I met Fran at a ~PTA meeting, R02 0420 and had taken us in hand socially. They had been kind to us and R02 0430 we were indebted to them for one or two pleasant dinners, and for information R02 0440 as to where to shop, which dentist, doctor, plumber, and sitter R02 0450 to call (not that there was much of a choice, since Catatonia was R02 0460 just a village; the yellow pages of the telephone book were amazingly R02 0470 thin). They were "personalities". Herb, an expert on narrow R02 0480 ties, thin lapels, and swatches, was men's fashion editor of , R02 0490 the weekly magazine with the tremendous circulation. Fran R02 0500 and he had met about two years after she had arrived in Manhattan from R02 0510 Nebraska, or was it Wyoming? She was the daughter and sole heiress R02 0520 of either a cattle baron or an oil millionaire and, having arrived R02 0530 in New York with a big bank roll, became a dabbler in various fields. R02 0540 She patronized Greenwich Village artists for awhile, then put some R02 0550 money into a Broadway show which was successful (terrible, but successful). R02 0560 It was during her "writing" period that she and Herb R02 0570 met and decided that they were in love. They were married at a lavish R02 0580 ceremony which was duly recorded in and all other magazines R02 0590 and newspapers, and then they honeymooned in Bermuda. No, not Bermuda. R02 0600 Bermuda was not in style that year. They had honeymooned in R02 0610 Rome; everyone was very high on Rome that year. They had bought R02 0620 their house in Catatonia after investigating all the regions of R02 0630 suburbia surrounding New York; they had chosen Catatonia because R02 0640 of its reputation for excellent schools, beaches, and abundance of names. R02 0650 "You are bound to get involved with people when you have R02 0660 children", Fran had told me at our first meeting, "so it is good R02 0670 to know that those with whom you get involved are not just dreary little R02 0680 housewives and dull husbands, but People Who Do Things". R02 0690 I admired their easy way of doing things but I couldn't escape R02 0700 an uneasiness at their way of doing the things. R02 0710 Their house was a centuries-old Colonial which they had had restored R02 0720 (guided by an eminent architect) and updated, and added on to. It had R02 0730 a gourmet's corner (instead of a kitchen), a breakfast room, a luncheon R02 0740 room, a dining room, a sitting room, a room for standing up, a R02 0750 party room, dressing rooms for everybody, even a room for mud. It was R02 0760 all set up so there would be no dust anywhere and so that their children R02 0770 would color in the coloring room, paint in the painting room, play R02 0780 with R02 0790 blocks in the block house, and do all the other things in the proper R02 0800 rooms at exactly the right time. Their two boys were "well adjusted" R02 0810 and, like their parents, always did the right thing at the right R02 0820 time and damn the consequences. Francesca and Herbert considered R02 0830 themselves violently nonconformist and showed the world they were R02 0840 by filling their Colonial house with contemporary furniture and paintings R02 0850 and other art objects (expensive, but not necessarily valuable, contemporary R02 0860 things). Fran flaunted her independence by rebelling against R02 0870 the Catatonia uniform of Bermuda shorts and knee-length socks by R02 0880 wearing Bermuda shorts and knee-length socks in ; bright R02 0890 pinks and plaids and vivid stripes. Sometimes she even wore the uniform R02 0900 in solid, unrelieved black, and with her blonde hair cut so closely, R02 0910 wearing this uniform, she strongly resembled a member of the R02 0915 SS&. R02 0920 No one could dislike them, I thought. Sometimes, though, they R02 0930 did not seem quite human. It seemed, indeed, that their house was R02 0940 not so much a home, but rather a perfect stage set, and that they were R02 0950 actors who had been handed fat roles in a successful play, and had talent R02 0960 enough to fill the roles competently, with nice understatement. Practically R02 0970 the only enthusiasm they showed was when they were discussing R02 0980 "names"; even brand names. You should hear the reverence in R02 0990 Fran's voice when she said "Baccarat" or "Steuben" or "Madame R02 1000 Alexander". She always let it be known that there was wine R02 1010 in the pot roast or that the chicken had been marinated in brandy, and R02 1020 that Koussevitzky's second cousin was an intimate of theirs. R02 1030 I wouldn't have wasted time puzzling over this couple were it not R02 1040 for my fear that all the other inhabitants of Catatonia were equally R02 1050 unreal. I couldn't feel at home among them. Besides Francesca, R02 1060 there was Blanche. Francesca was pleasant and charming, but Blanche R02 1070 was sweet. Yes, Blanche was very, very sweet- being in her company R02 1080 was like being drowned in warm, melted marshmallows. I had once been R02 1090 a witness when Blanche had smiled and said with only minimum ruefulness, R02 1100 "Oh, my souffle has collapsed". knows how a real, R02 1110 red-blooded woman would react to such a catastrophe! If Blanche R02 1120 had been honest, she would have yelled, slammed at least a couple of R02 1130 doors, and thrown a few little, valueless things. But dear me, no; R02 1140 not Blanche. After five minutes with Blanche, one might welcome R02 1150 the astringency R02 1160 of Grazie, who was a sort of Gwen Cafritz to Francesca's R02 1170 Perle Mesta. Francesca and Grazie were habitual committee R02 1180 chairmen and they usually managed to be elected co-chairmen, equal R02 1190 bosses, of whatever ~PTA or civic project was being launched. They R02 1200 were inseparable, not because they were fond of each other, but because R02 1210 they wanted to keep an eye on each other, as they were keen rivals R02 1220 for social leadership. Grazie was mean: quietly mean, and bitterly, R02 1230 unfunnily sarcastic. She it was who had looked to see if I was R02 1240 wearing shoes upon learning that I couldn't drive. Grazie had a small, R02 1250 slick head and her hair and skin were the color of golden toast. R02 1260 She lived in an ultra-modern house whose decoration, appointments, paint, R02 1270 and even pets were chosen to complement her coloring; the pets R02 1280 were a couple of Siamese cats. Her uniform was of rich, raw silk, in R02 1290 a shade which matched her hair, skin, housepaint, and cats, and since R02 1300 she was so thin as to be almost shapeless, she rather resembled a frozen R02 1310 fish stick. The husbands of these women and others I had R02 1320 met in Catatonia were distinguished only in that they were, to me at R02 1330 least, indistinguishable. I couldn't tell one from the other. Like R02 1340 Herbert, they were all in communications: radio, television, magazines, R02 1350 and advertising. One or two were writers of books; all were fellows R02 1360 of finite charm. Each had developed a hair-trigger chuckle and R02 1370 the habit of saying "zounds"! in deference to country-squirehood. R02 1380 I never thought I'd live to hear people chuckle and say "zounds"! R02 1390 in real life. I wouldn't have missed it for anything. They R02 1400 were "sincere"- men of the too-hearty handclasp and the urgent R02 1410 smile. These boys acknowledged an introduction to anybody by gently R02 1420 pressing one of his hands in both of theirs, while they gazed, misty-eyed R02 1430 with care, into the eyes of the person they were meeting. Could such R02 1440 unadulterated love, for a total stranger, be credited? They were R02 1450 always leaping to light cigarettes, open car doors, fill plates or glasses, R02 1460 and I mistrusted the whole lot of them to the same degree that R02 1470 I mistrusted bake shops that called themselves "Sanitary Bake Shops". R02 1480 "" I thought, and wondered what R02 1490 kind of homesteads such odd pioneers would establish in this suburban R02 1500 frontier; pioneers who looked like off-duty gardeners even at parent-teacher R02 1510 conferences and who never called the school principal "Mister". R02 1520 I sighed, thinking that among other things, people here seemed R02 1530 to be those who would have to cut down if they earned less than $85,000 R02 1540 yearly; people who would give their teeth for a chance to get R02 1550 on "Person to Person"; people who thought it was nice to be important, R02 1560 but not important to be nice; who were more ingratiating than R02 1570 gracious, more personalities than persons. In my estimation, they R02 1580 were people who read Daphne du Maurier, and discussed Kafka; well, R02 1590 not him exactly, but said, "Kafka"! reverently R02 1600 and raised their eyes, as if they were at a loss to describe how they R02 1610 felt about Kafka, which they were, because they had no opinions about R02 1620 Kafka, not having read Kafka. They were, I felt, people invariably R02 1630 trying to prove not who, but what they were, and trying to determine R02 1640 what, not who, others were. Becoming aware that it was nearly R02 1650 lunchtime, I brought myself back to the tasks at hand. I made plans R02 1660 for the afternoon- doing the breakfast and luncheon dishes all at R02 1670 once, making the beds, and then maybe painting the kitchen. Then, I R02 1680 remembered that the girls had had a banana for dessert every day for the R02 1690 last week. "BANANAS"! Jennie had shouted each time. "They're R02 1700 not dessert! They're not even food. They're just something R02 1710 you're supposed to put on cereal for breakfast". I dug around R02 1720 and found a mix, and was able to surprise them with a devil's-food R02 1730 cake with chocolate icing. (Sometimes I think you need only one R02 1740 rule for cooking: if you can't put garlic in it, put chocolate in R02 1750 it.) The cake was received in a stunned silence that was evidence R02 1760 in itself of the dearth of taste thrills Mama had been providing. R02 1770 Then Jennie closed her eyes, stretched forth her arms, and said: R02 1780 "Take my hand, Louise; I'm a stranger in paradise". R03 0010 Needless to say, I was furious at this unparalleled intrusion R03 0020 upon free enterprise. How dared they demand to "snoop" in private R03 0030 financial records, disbursements, confidential contracts and agreements? R03 0040 "It is as though", I said on the historic three-hour, coast-to-coast R03 0050 radio broadcast which I bought (following Father Coughlin R03 0060 and pre-empting the Eddie Cantor, Manhattan Merry-go-round and R03 0070 Major Bowes shows) "That Man in the White House, like some despot R03 0080 of yore, insisted on reading my diary, raiding my larder and ransacking R03 0090 my " My impassioned plea for civil rights created R03 0100 a landslide of correspondence and one sponsor even asked me to consider R03 0110 replacing the Eddie Cantor comedy hour on a permanent basis. But R03 0120 what quarter could a poor defenseless woman expect from a dictator R03 0130 who would even make so bold as to close all of the banks in our great R03 0140 nation? The savage barbarian hordes of red Russian Communism descended R03 0150 on the Athens that was mighty Metronome, sacking and despoiling R03 0160 with their Bolshevistic battle cry of "Soak the rich'! After R03 0170 an unspeakable siege, lasting the better part of two months, it was R03 0180 announced that the studio "owed" the government a tax debt in excess R03 0190 of eight million dollars while I, who had always remained aloof from R03 0200 such iniquitous practices as paying taxes on the salary I had earned R03 0210 and the little I legally inherited as Morris' helpless relict, R03 0220 was "stung" with a personal bill of such astronomical proportions R03 0230 as to "wipe out" all but a fraction of my poor, hard-come-by savings. R03 0240 I was also publicly reprimanded, dragged through the mud by the R03 0250 radical press and made a figure of fun by such leftist publications as R03 0260 and the . It was then that I availed myself of the R03 0280 rights of a citizen and declared the income tax unconstitutional. The R03 0290 litigation was costly and seemingly endless. I fought like a tigress R03 0300 but by the time I appealed my case to the Supreme Court (1937), R03 0310 Mr& Roosevelt and his "henchmen" had done their "dirty work" R03 0320 all too well, even going so far as to attempt to "pack" the highest R03 0330 tribunal in the land in order to defeat little me. Presidential R03 0340 coercion had succeeded not only in poisoning the courtiers, "toadies" R03 0350 and sycophants of the "bench" against me, but it had been so far-reaching R03 0360 as to discourage any lawyer in the nation from representing R03 0370 me! I was ready, like Portia, to present my own brief. But the R03 0380 Supreme Court wouldn't even my case! My plea was unanimously R03 0390 voted down and "thrown out". Again, my name was on all the R03 0400 front pages. I was, it seemed, in every quarter, R03 0410 but not entirely without a staunch following of noted political thinkers R03 0420 and students of jurisprudence. As Charles Evans Hughes said, R03 0430 "Miss Poitrine's limitations as an actress are exceeded only by R03 0440 her logic as a litigant". Albert Einstein was quoted as saying: R03 0450 "The workings of the woman's mind amaze me". Henry Ford spoke R03 0460 of me as "utterly astounding". Heywood Broun wrote: "Belle R03 0470 Poitrine is the most original thinker since Caligula", and even R03 0480 F&D&R& had to concede that "if the rest of this nation showed R03 0490 the foresight and patriotism of Miss Poitrine, America would rapidly R03 0500 resemble ancient Babylon and Nineveh". Not only were R03 0510 the court costs prohibitive, but I was subjected to crippling fines, R03 0520 in addition to usurious interest on the unpaid "debts" which the governmen R03 0530 claimed that Metronome and I owed- a severe financial blow. R03 0540 Nor, as Manny said, had the notoriety done my career "any good". R03 0550 My enemies were only too anxious to level against me such charges R03 0560 as "reactionary", "robber baroness", and even "traitor"! R03 0570 Traitor indeed! I point now with pride to the fact that, long ere R03 0580 the Committee on Un-American Activities, the Minute Women, the R03 0590 Economic Council and other such notable "watchdog" organizations R03 0600 were so much as heard of, I was Hollywood's leading bulwark against R03 0610 communism, fighting single-handedly "creeping socialism" against R03 0620 such insuperable odds as the Fascio-Communist troops of the ~NRA, R03 0630 ~PWA, ~WPA, ~CCC and an army of more than twenty-two R03 0640 million mercenaries whom F&D&R& employed secretly, through R03 0650 the transparent ruse of regular "relief" checks. Needless R03 0660 to say, my art suffered drastically during this turbulent period. Could R03 0670 it do otherwise? Even though I have always had a genius for R03 0680 "throwing myself" into every role and "playing it for all it's R03 0690 worth", no actress can be expected to do her best work when her fortune, R03 0700 her reputation, her livelihood, her home and her nation itself are R03 0710 all imperilled. Such sweeping distractions are hardly conducive to R03 0720 "Oscar" winning performances. I tried my hardest, with little help, R03 0730 may I say, from my husband and leading man, but somehow the outside R03 0740 pressures were too severe. Having (through unflagging R03 0750 effort and devotion) achieved stardom, a fortune and a world-renowned R03 0760 wife at an age when most young men are casting their first vote, Letch R03 0770 proceeded to neglect them all. Never a "quick study", he now R03 0780 made no attempt to learn his "lines" and many a mile of film was R03 0790 wasted, many a scene- sometimes involving as many as a thousand fellow R03 0800 thespians- was taken thirty, forty, fifty times because Miss Poitrine's R03 0810 co-star and "helpmate" had never learned his part. Each R03 0820 time Letch "went up" in his "lines", was the one to R03 0830 be patient, helpful and apologetic while indulged in outbursts R03 0840 of temperament, profanity and abuse, blaming others, going into "sulks" R03 0850 and, on more occasions than I care to count, storming off the "set" R03 0860 for the rest of the day. As for his finances, I was never privileged R03 0870 to know exactly how much money Letch had "salted away". R03 0880 It was I who paid for our little home, the food, the liquor, the servants- R03 0890 even Letch's bills at his tailor and the Los Angeles Athletic R03 0900 Club. Never once did he buy me a single gift and for our third R03 0910 anniversary he gave me a dislocated jaw. (But that is another story.) R03 0920 As for his private monies, they were rapidly dissipated in drinking, R03 0930 gaming and carousing. More than once I was confronted by professional R03 0940 gamblers, "bookies", loan "sharks", gangsters, "thugs" R03 0950 and "finger men"- people of a class I did not even know existed- R03 0960 to repay my husband's staggering losses, "or else **h" I R03 0970 shuddered to think that someone so dear to me could even associate with R03 0980 such a sinister . And at three different times during our R03 0990 turbulent marriage strange girls, with the commonest of accents, telephoned R03 1000 to announce to me that Letch had sired their unborn children! R03 1010 Having the deepest of maternal instincts, my heart fairly bled when R03 1020 I thought of the darling pink and white "bundles from heaven" I R03 1030 would have proudly given my husband. "Ah, you're too old", was R03 1040 invariably his ungallant and untrue retort whenever I suggested "starting R03 1050 a family". Letch had made it abundantly clear that he did R03 1060 not care for the company of my own precious daughter. I now felt it wiser R03 1070 to keep Baby-dear in school and- during the summers- at a camp R03 1080 run by the Society of Friends all year around. Her presence only R03 1090 made Letch more distant and irritable and, in the hurry of buying Chateau R03 1100 Belletch, I had neglected to consider a room for Baby-dear, R03 1110 so there was no place to put her, anyhow. (I sometimes feel that God, R03 1120 in His infinite wisdom, us to have these inexplicable little R03 1130 lapses of memory. It almost always works out for the best.) R03 1140 Yet I adored this man, Letch Feeley, why, I cannot say. With R03 1145 faint R03 1150 heart and a brave smile, I endured his long absences from Chateau R03 1160 Belletch, his coldness, his indifference, his slights and his abuse. R03 1170 The times I can recall when I was publicly humiliated by him- lovely R03 1180 dinner parties in our Trianon Suite where the collation was postponed R03 1190 and postponed and postponed, only to be served dry and overcooked R03 1200 at a table where the host's chair was vacant; a "splash party" R03 1210 at the new pool, which I had built in the hope of keeping Letch R03 1220 away from public beaches, when Letch and a certain Aquacutie stayed R03 1230 underwater together for the better part of an hour; a lovely Epiphany R03 1240 party at Errol Flynn's, on which sacred occasion Letch stole R03 1250 away with an unknown "starlet", leaving me "high and dry" to R03 1260 get home as best I could. These are but a sampling of the insults I R03 1270 endured. As Mrs& Letch Feeley, was it any wonder that I, once R03 1280 social arbiter of Filmdom, was excluded from the smart entertainments R03 1290 given by the Astaires, the Coopers, the Gables, the Colmans, R03 1300 the Rathbones, the Taylors, the Thalbergs and such devout, closely R03 1310 knit families as the Barrymores and the Crosbys? As Letch's R03 1320 antisocial conduct increased, our invitations decreased and my heart R03 1330 was in my mouth whenever I played hostess at a fashionable "screenland" R03 1340 gathering. Between 1935 and 1939 Letch and I made ten R03 1350 films together, each less successful, both artistically and commercially, R03 1360 than the one before it. Our last joint venture, , R03 1370 a deeply religious film based on the life of Mother Cabrini, and R03 1380 timed so that its release date would coincide with the beatification R03 1390 of America's first saint in November, 1938, was a fiasco from start R03 1400 to finish. As I was playing Mother Cabrini, the picture was actually R03 1410 "all mine", with nearly every scene built around me. But in R03 1420 order to keep Letch in the public eye and out of trouble, I wrote R03 1430 in a part especially for him- that of a dashing ruffian who "sees R03 1440 the light" and is saved by the inspiring example of Mother Cabrini. R03 1450 And did he appreciate my efforts on his behalf? Did he trouble to R03 1460 memorize the very small part which I had "tailor-made" to his specifications, R03 1470 a role eventually cut down to three short speeches? Did R03 1480 he show the rest of the cast- numbering four thousand- the consideration R03 1490 of arriving at the studio punctually- or even at all? The "shooting" went on for eight months! Most R03 1510 of our working days were spent on the telephone calling "bookies", R03 1520 illegal gambling dens, a certain "residential club for young actresses", R03 1530 more than a hundred different bars or the steam room of the R03 1540 athletic club. Whenever he deigned to appear at the studio he was "hung R03 1550 over", uncooperative, rude and insulting. He made many tasteless, R03 1560 irreverent and funny remarks, not only about me in the title R03 1570 role, but about religion in general. By the time the film was released R03 1580 we were three million dollars over-spent, war was imminent and the R03 1590 public apparently had forgotten all about Mother Cabrini. Thanks to R03 1600 Letch Feeley and the terrible strain he imposed on me, the notices R03 1610 were few and unfavorable. Only George Santayana seemed to understand R03 1620 and appreciate the film when he wrote: "Miss Poitrine has perpetrated R03 1630 the most eloquent argument for the Protestant faith yet unleashed R03 1640 by Hollywood". But it was small consolation. In a rare R03 1650 fit of anger and spite, I "farmed out" my own husband to a small R03 1660 and most undistinguished studio to make one picture as a form of punishment. R03 1670 (An actor must have discipline.) The film was called , which I felt was just what Letch deserved. It R03 1690 turned out to be a life of Martin Luther, of all things! It was R03 1700 a disaster! In clothes, Letch simply did not project. He was laughed R03 1710 off the screen. At the same time, however, I availed myself of the R03 1720 services of that great English actor and master of make-up, Sir Gauntley R03 1730 Pratt, to do a "quickie" called , in which I played a young American girl who inherits R03 1750 a haunted castle on the English moors which is filled with secret passages R03 1760 and sliding panels and, unbeknownst to anyone, is still occupied R03 1770 by an eccentric maniac. It was a "potboiler" made on a "shoestring" R03 1780 and not the sort of film I like, as all I had to do was look R03 1790 blank and scream a great deal. My heart was not in it, but, oddly R03 1800 enough, it remains the most financially successful picture of my career. R03 1810 (I watched it on television late one night last week and it "stands R03 1820 up" remarkably well, even twenty years later.) Letch had R03 1830 returned from his unrepentant and more badly behaved than R03 1840 before. I really loved that boy, and, in a feverish attempt to preserve R03 1850 our marriage and to try to revive the wonderful, wonderful person R03 1860 Letch had once been, I took my troubles to Momma, hoping that her earthy R03 1870 advice would help me. "If I could only think of something R03 1880 at the studio, near me, to absorb his boundless energy", I said. R03 1890 "What is Letch interested in"? "Bookies, booze and R03 1900 babes", Momma said bluntly. Her reply stung me, but this R03 1910 was too important to let my hurt make any difference. "I can't turn R03 1920 the studio into a gambling hell or a saloon", I said. R04 0010 Up to date, however, his garden was still more or less of a mess, R04 0020 he hadn't even started his workshop and if there was a meadow pond R04 0030 in the neighborhood he hadn't found it. It wasn't his fault R04 0040 that these things were so. The difficulty was that each day seemed R04 0050 to produce its quota of details which must be cleaned up immediately. R04 0060 As a result, life had become a kind of continuous make-ready. R04 0070 Once he disposed of these items which screamed so harshly for attention, R04 0080 he could undertake the things which really counted. Then, at last, R04 0090 his day would fall into an ordered pattern and he would be free to R04 0100 read, or garden or just wander through the woods in the late afternoon, R04 0110 accompanied by his dogs. His dogs? He had almost forgotten R04 0120 them, although they had played such an important part in his early R04 0130 dreams. Then they had always been romping around him on these walks, R04 0140 yelping with delight, dashing off into the bushes on fruitless hunting R04 0150 expeditions, returning to jump up on him triumphantly with muddy paws. R04 0160 Dogs did something to one's ego. They were constantly assuring R04 0170 you that you were one of the world's great guys. Regardless of how R04 0180 much of a slob you knew yourself to be, you could be certain they would R04 0190 never find out- and even if they did it would make no difference. R04 0200 Now it became increasingly apparent that there were to be no dogs R04 0210 in the picture. What in the world were you going to do with a lot R04 0220 of dogs when you left for town on Monday afternoons? You certainly R04 0230 couldn't take them into the little apartment and if you tried to farm R04 0240 them out for two or three days every week they would become so confused R04 0250 that they would have nervous breakdowns. Why in the world couldn't R04 0260 he live in one place the way everyone else seemed to? It R04 0280 worried him, this inability to get the simplest things done in the course R04 0290 of a day. He would wake up in the middle of the night and fret about R04 0300 it. How in the world had he formerly found time to build up a business, R04 0310 raise a family, be on half a dozen boards, work actively on committees R04 0320 and either go out in the evening or plow through the contents R04 0330 of a bulging brief case? Was it possible that as people grow R04 0340 older the nature of time changed? Could it be that it speeded up for R04 0350 the aged in some mysterious way, as if a bored universe were skipping R04 0360 through the end of the chapter just to get it over with? Or was R04 0370 the answer less metaphysical? Did older people work more slowly? R04 0380 Did it take a man of sixty-five longer to write a letter, shave, clean R04 0390 out a barn, read a newspaper, than a man of thirty? Did men become R04 0400 perfectionists as they grew older, polishing, polishing, reluctant to R04 0410 let go? It might be that certain people were born with a compulsion R04 0420 to complicate their lives, while others could live blissfully R04 0430 motionless almost indefinitely, like lizards in the sun, too indolent R04 0440 to blink their eyes. Perhaps it was his misfortune, or good fortune, R04 0450 whichever way one looked at it, to belong to the former group, and he R04 0460 was struggling unconsciously to build up pressure in a world which demanded R04 0470 none, which was positively antagonistic to it. And then R04 0480 again perhaps the reason why he couldn't find time to do any of the R04 0490 things he had planned to do after retirement: reading, roaming, gardening, R04 0500 lying on his back and watching the clouds go by, was because R04 0510 he didn't want to do them. There was no compulsion behind them. They R04 0520 could be done or left undone and nobody really gave a damn. During R04 0530 all his busy life he had only done things which had to be done. This R04 0540 habit had become so fixed over the years that it seemed futile to do R04 0550 anything for which no one was waiting. He looked at the luminous R04 0560 dial of his wrist watch. It was five minutes after four. On some R04 0570 distant farm a rooster crowed and, far down the valley, an associate answered. R04 0580 He turned over impatiently and pulled the sheet over his head R04 0590 against the treacherous encroachment of the dawn. #24# AT LEAST R04 0600 HE COULD BUY THE equipment for his workshop. Thus committed, action R04 0610 might follow. He went down to Mills and Bradley's Hardware Store R04 0620 and bought a full set of carpenter's tools, including a rotary R04 0630 power saw and several other pieces of power machinery that Mr& Mills R04 0640 said were essential for babbiting and doweling, whatever R04 0650 were. He also bought a huge square of pegboard for hanging up his tools, R04 0660 and lumber for his workbench, sandpaper and glue and assorted nails, R04 0670 levels and ~T squares and plumb lines and several gadgets that he R04 0671 had R04 0680 no idea how to use or what they were for. "There", said R04 0690 Mr& Mills. "That'll get you started. Best not to get everything R04 0700 at once. Add things as you find you need 'em". He didn't R04 0710 even ask the cost of this collection. After all, if you were going R04 0720 to set up a workshop you had to have the proper equipment and that R04 0730 was that. When he returned home, the station wagon loaded with tools, R04 0740 Jinny had gone with a friend to some meeting in the village, using R04 0750 the recently purchased second car. He was glad. It gave him a chance R04 0760 to unload the stuff and get it down to the cellar without a barrage R04 0770 of acid comments. He had made such a fuss about buying that second car R04 0780 that he knew he was vulnerable. He piled everything neatly in R04 0790 a corner of the cellar and turned to stare at the blank stone wall. R04 0800 That was where the pegboard would go on which he would hang his hand R04 0810 tools. In front of it would be his workbench. The old nightmare R04 0820 which had caused him so many wakeful hours came charging in on him R04 0830 once more, only this time he couldn't pacify it with a sleeping pill R04 0840 and R04 0850 send it away. How in the world did one attach a pegboard to a stone wall? R04 0860 How did one attach anything to a stone wall, for that matter? R04 0870 After the pegboard there would be the paneling. He sat down on an R04 0880 old box and focused on the problem. Perhaps one bored holes in the stone R04 0890 with some kind of an electric gadget. But then, when you stuck things R04 0900 into the holes, why didn't they come right out again? It all R04 0910 seemed rather hopeless. He turned his attention to the workbench. R04 0920 Perhaps that was the first thing to do. A workbench had a heavy R04 0930 top and sturdy legs, but how did you attach sturdy legs to a heavy top R04 0940 so that the whole thing didn't wobble like a newborn calf and ultimately R04 0950 collapse when you leaned on it? Mr& Mills had done R04 0960 some figuring on a scrap of paper and given him the various kinds of R04 0970 boards and two-by-fours which, properly handled, would, he had assured R04 0980 him, turn into a workbench. They lay on the cellar floor in a disorderly R04 0990 pile. Mr& Crombie poked at it gingerly with his foot. How could R04 1000 anyone know what to do with an assortment like that? Perhaps he R04 1010 had better have someone help him put up the pegboard and build the workbench- R04 1020 someone who knew what he was about. Then at least he would R04 1030 have a place to hang his tools and something to work on. After that R04 1040 everything should be simpler. He went upstairs to phone Crumb. R04 1050 To his amazement he reached him. Mr& Crumb was laid up with a R04 1060 bad cold. He didn't seem to think that attaching a pegboard to a stone R04 1070 wall was much of a problem and he tossed off the building of the worktable R04 1080 equally lightly. The only trouble was that he himself was tied R04 1090 up on the school job. That was why he hadn't been able to finish R04 1100 the porch. No, he didn't know of any handyman-carpenter. There R04 1110 wasn't any such thing any more. Carpenters all wanted steady work and R04 1120 at the moment every mother's son for twenty miles around that could R04 1130 hammer nails for twenty-five dollars a day was working on the school R04 1140 job. There was a fellow named Blatz over Smithtown way. Nobody R04 1150 liked to hire him because you never could tell when he was going R04 1160 to be taken drunk. Mr& Crumb would probably see him at Lodge Meeting R04 1170 the next night. If he was sober, which was doubtful, he'd have R04 1180 him get in touch with Mr& Crombie. Mr& Blatz had been R04 1190 at least sober enough to remember to telephone and he turned out to R04 1200 be the greatest boon that had come into Mr& Crombie's life since R04 1210 he moved to Highfield, in spite of the fact that he didn't work very R04 1230 fast or very long at a time, and he didn't like to work at all unless R04 1240 Mr& Crombie hung around and talked to him. He said he was the lonely R04 1250 type and working in a cellar you saw funny things coming out of R04 1260 the cracks in the wall if they wasn't nobody with you. So Mr& Crombie R04 1270 sat on a wooden box and talked in order to keep Mr& Blatz's R04 1280 mind from funny things. At the same time he watched carefully to see R04 1290 how one attached pegboards to stone walls, but Mr& Blatz was usually R04 1300 standing in his line of vision and it all seemed so simple that he R04 1310 didn't like to disclose his ignorance. While Mr& Blatz R04 1320 was putting up the pegboards and starting the workbench, Mr& Crombie R04 1330 told him of this idea about paneling the whole end of the cellar. R04 1340 Mr& Blatz agreed that this would be pretty. Without further discussion R04 1350 he appeared the next morning with a pile of boards sticking over R04 1360 the end of his light truck and proceeded with the paneling, which he R04 1370 then stained and waxed according to his taste. "Now", he said, R04 1380 "we got to put in some outlets for them power tools; then a couple R04 1390 of fluorescent lamps over the workbench an' I guess we're about R04 1400 through down here". It all did look very efficient and R04 1410 shipshape. There was no question of that. "By the way", said Mr& R04 1420 Blatz, packing his tools into a battered carrier, "them power tools R04 1430 needs extra voltage. I guess you know about that. Before you use R04 1440 'em the light company's got to run in a heavy line and you'll need R04 1450 a new fuse box for the extra circuits. That ain't too bad 'ceptin' R04 1460 the light company's so busy you can't ever get 'em to do R04 1470 nothin'". Instead of being depressed by this news, Mr& R04 1480 Crombie was actually relieved. At least the moment was postponed when R04 1490 he had to face the mystery of the power tools. He followed Mr& R04 1500 Blatz up the cellar stairs. As usual, Mrs& Crombie was standing R04 1510 in the midst of a confusion of cooking utensils. Mr& Blatz sat down R04 1520 in the only unoccupied kitchen chair. "Well", he said, "got R04 1530 your man fixed up nice down there. He oughta be able to build a R04 1540 new house with all them contraptions". Mr& Crombie watched his R04 1550 wife with an anxious expression. "I was just sayin' to him that I'm R04 1560 all ready now for anything else you want done". Mr& Crombie R04 1570 couldn't remember his saying any such thing. "Oh, that's R04 1580 wonderful", cried Mrs& Crombie. "I have a thousand things R04 1590 for you to do. Doors that won't open, and doors that won't close R04 1600 and shelves and broken **h" "But those are the things I built R04 1610 the for", protested Mr& Crombie. "Those are R04 1620 the things can do, now that I'm set up". "I've R04 1630 been waiting to get these things done for months", she said. "We R04 1640 won't live long enough if I wait for you, besides which you don't R04 1650 need to worry- there'll be plenty more". But the discussion was R04 1660 academic. Mr& Blatz was already taking measurements for a shelf R04 1670 above the kitchen sink. R05 0010 #AMBIGUITY# Nothing in English has been ridiculed as much as the R05 0020 ambiguous use of words, unless it be the ambiguous use of sentences. R05 0030 Ben Franklin said, "Clearly spoken, Mr& Fogg. You explain English R05 0040 by Greek". Richard Brinsley Sheridan said, "I think the R05 0050 interpreter is the hardest to be understood of the two". And a witty R05 0060 American journalist remarked over a century ago what is even more R05 0070 true today, "Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except R05 0080 when he can't understand his own meaning". There are many R05 0090 types of ambiguity and many of them have been described by rhetoricians R05 0100 under such names as amphibology, parisology, and other ologies. R05 0110 In common parlance they would be described as misses- misinterpreters, R05 0120 misunderstanders, misdirectors and kindred misdeeds. One species R05 0130 of ambiguity tries to baffle by interweaving repetition. "Did R05 0140 you or did you not say what I said you said, because Jane said you R05 0150 never said what I said"? Another woman, addressing Christmas R05 0160 cards, said to her husband: "We sent them one last year but R05 0170 they didn't send us one, so they probably won't send us one this R05 0180 year because they'll think we won't send them one because they didn't R05 0190 last year, don't you think, or shall we"? Such ambiguous R05 0200 exercises compound confusion by making it worse compounded, and R05 0210 they are sometimes expanded until the cream of the jest sours. Ambiguity R05 0220 of a non-repetitious kind describes the dilemma one girl found herself R05 0230 in. "I'm terribly upset", she told a girl-friend. "I wrote R05 0240 Bill in my last letter to forget that I had told him that I didn't R05 0250 mean to reconsider my decision not to change my mind- and he R05 0260 seems to have misunderstood me". Evidently Bill was another of those R05 0270 men who simply don't understand women. Another case involves R05 0280 a newspaper reporter who tripped up a politician. "Mr& Jones, R05 0290 you may recall that we printed last week your denial of having retracted R05 0300 the contradiction of your original statement. Now would you care R05 0310 to have us say that you were misquoted in regard to it"? Questions R05 0320 like this, framed in verbal fog, are perhaps the only kind that R05 0330 have ever stumped an experienced politician. They recall Byron's R05 0340 classic comment: "I wish he would explain his explanation". R05 0350 Similarly, when a reporter once questioned Lincoln in cryptic fashion, R05 0360 Lincoln refused to make any further statement. "I fear explanations R05 0370 explanatory of things explained", he said, leaving the biter bit- R05 0380 and bitter. The obscurity of politicians may not always be R05 0390 as innocent as it looks. "Senator", said an interviewer, "your R05 0400 constituents can't understand from your speech last night just how R05 0410 you stand on the question". "Good"! replied the Senator. "It R05 0420 took me five hours to write it that way". The is another species more honored in the observance of obscurity R05 0440 than in the breach. This creates an amusing effect because its R05 0450 position in a sentence seems to make it apply to the wrong word. A verse R05 0460 familiar to all grammarians is the quatrain: "I saw a man once R05 0470 beat R05 0480 his wife When on a drunken spree. Now can you tell me who was R05 0490 drunk- The man, his wife, or me"? The "wooden-leg" R05 0500 gag of vaudeville, another standby of this sort, had endless variations. R05 0510 ""There's a man outside with a wooden leg named Smith". R05 0520 "What's the name of his other leg""? Another R05 0530 stock vaudeville gag ran: "Mother is home sick in bed with the R05 0540 doctor". When radio came in, it continued the misplaced modifier R05 0550 in its routines as a standard device. ""Do you see that R05 0560 pretty girl standing next to the car with slacks on"? "I see R05 0570 the girl but I don't see the car with slacks on"". In R05 0580 recent years gagwriters have discovered this brand of blunder and thus R05 0590 the misplaced modifier has acquired a new habitat in the gagline. R05 0600 In one cartoon a family is shown outside a theater with the head of the R05 0610 family addressing the doorman: "Excuse me, but when we came out R05 0620 we found that we had left my daughter's handbag and my wife's behind". R05 0630 Journalism supplies us with an endless run of such slips. R05 0640 Not long ago a newspaper advised those taking part in a contest R05 0650 that "snapshots must be of a person not larger than **f inches". R05 0660 Classified ads are also chockfull of . R05 0670 Readers of the are familiar with such R05 0680 items which often appear in its lists of verbal slips, like the ad in R05 0690 a California paper that advertised "House for rent. View takes in R05 0700 five counties, two bedrooms". Since brevity is the soul of R05 0710 ambiguity as well as wit, newspaper continually provide R05 0720 us with amusing samples. "Officials Meet on Rubbish. Many Shapes R05 0730 in Bathtubs. Son and Daughter of Local Couple Married". R05 0740 Apart from misplaced modifiers and headlinese, journalism contributes R05 0750 a wide variety of comic ambiguities in both editorial and advertising R05 0760 matter. A weekly newspaper reported a local romance: R05 0770 "**h and the couple were married last Saturday, thus ending a friendship R05 0780 which began in their schooldays". An item in the letters R05 0790 column of a newspaper renewed a subscription, adding: "I personally R05 0800 enjoy your newspaper as much as my husband". Then there R05 0810 was the caterer's ad which read: "ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED R05 0820 OR HAVING AN AFFAIR? We have complete facilities to accommodate R05 0830 200 people". The newspaper too is the favorite habitat of the R05 0840 . This slip is so-called because its semi-ambiguous R05 0850 English always seems to refer to a person's anatomy but never quite R05 0860 means what it seems to say. Samples: He walked in upon her invitation. R05 0870 She kissed him passionately upon his reappearance. He kissed her R05 0880 back. Not without good reason has the anatomical been called R05 0890 jocular journalese. In news items a man is less often shot in the body R05 0900 or head than in the suburbs. "While Henry Morgan was escorting R05 0910 Miss Vera Green from the church social last Saturday night, a savage R05 0920 dog attacked them and bit Mr& Morgan on the public square". R05 0930 Such items recall the California journalist who reported an R05 0940 accident involving a movie star: "The area in which Miss N- was R05 0950 injured is spectacularly scenic". The double meaning in the R05 0960 anatomical made it a familiar vaudeville device, as in the gags of R05 0970 Weber and Fields. When a witness at court was asked if he had been R05 0980 kicked in the ensuing rumpus, he replied, "No, it was in the stomach". R05 0990 Strangely enough, this always brought the house down. Apart R05 1000 from journalese and vaudeville gags, the anatomical is also found R05 1010 in jocular literature. A conscientious girl became the secretary of R05 1020 a doctor. Her first day at work she was puzzled by an entry in the doctor's R05 1030 notes on an emergency case. It read: "Shot in the lumbar R05 1040 region". After a moment of thought, her mind cleared and, in the R05 1050 interest of clarity, she typed into the record: "Shot in the woods". R05 1060 There are many grammatical misconstructions other than dangling R05 1070 modifiers and anatomicals which permit two different interpretations. R05 1080 At the home of a gourmet the new maid was instructed in the fine R05 1090 points of serving. "I want the fish served whole, with head and R05 1100 tail", the epicure explained, "and serve it with lemon in mouth". R05 1110 The maid demurred. "That's silly- lemon in mouth", she said. R05 1120 But since the gourmet insisted that it is done that way at the most R05 1130 fashionable dinners, the girl reluctantly agreed. So she brought the R05 1140 fish in whole, and she carried a lemon in her mouth. Another R05 1150 specimen of such double-entendre is illustrated by a woman in a department R05 1160 store. She said to the saleslady, "I want a dress to put on R05 1170 around the house". The puzzled saleslady inquired, "How large is R05 1180 your house, Madam"? This saleslady was a failure in the R05 1190 dress department and was transferred to the shoe department. When a R05 1200 customer asked for alligator shoes, she said, "What size is your alligator"? R05 1210 The comprises an extensive R05 1220 class of comedy. One species is restricted to statements which are neither R05 1230 explicit nor precise regarding a particular person, place, time R05 1240 or thing. A woman met a famous author at a literary tea. "Oh, I'm R05 1250 so delighted to meet you", she gushed. "It was only the other R05 1260 day that I saw something of yours, about something or other, in some R05 1270 magazine". This baffling lack of distinct details recalls the R05 1280 secretary whose employer was leaving the office and told her what to R05 1290 answer if anyone called in his absence. "I may be back", he explained, R05 1300 "and then again, I may not". The girl nodded understandingly. R05 1310 "Yes, sir", she said, "is that definite"? An R05 1315 old-fashioned R05 1320 mother said to her modern daughter, "You must have gotten R05 1330 in quite late last night, dear. Where were you"? The daughter replied, R05 1340 "Oh, I had dinner with- well, you don't know him but he's R05 1350 awfully nice- and we went to a couple of places- I don't R05 1360 suppose you've heard of them- and we finished up at a cute little R05 1370 night club- I forget the name of it. Why, it's all right, isn't R05 1380 it, Mother"? Her woolly-minded parent agreed. "Of course, dear", R05 1390 she said. "It's only that I like to know where you go". R05 1400 No less ambiguous was the indefinity of a certain clergyman's R05 1410 sermon. "Dearly beloved", he preached, "unless you repent of R05 1420 your sins in a measure, and become converted to a degree, you will, R05 1430 I regret to say, be damned to a more or less extent". This clergyman R05 1440 should have referred to Shakespeare's dictum: "So-so is a good, R05 1450 very good, very excellent maxim. And yet it is not. It is but so-so". R05 1460 also carries double-meaning R05 1470 where an allusion to one person or thing seems to refer to another. A R05 1480 news item described the launching of a ship: "Completing the ceremony, R05 1490 the beautiful movie star smashed a bottle of champagne over her R05 1500 stern as she slid gracefully down the ways into the sea". This R05 1510 is not unlike the order received by the sergeant of an army motor R05 1520 pool: "Four trucks to Fort Mason gym, 7:30 tonight, for hauling R05 1530 girls to dance. The bodies must be cleaned and seats wiped off". R05 1540 A politician was approached by a man seeking the office of a R05 1550 minor public official who had just died. "What are my chances for taking R05 1560 Joe's place"? he asked. "If you can fix it up with the R05 1570 undertaker", returned the politician, "it's all right with me". R05 1580 The manager of a movie theater received a telephone call from R05 1590 a woman who was equally indefinite. "What have you got on today"? R05 1600 she inquired. "A blue suit", he answered. "Who's in it"? R05 1610 she continued. "I am", he said. There was a short pause for R05 1620 reflection. "Oh", said the woman, "I've seen that picture R05 1625 already". R05 1630 Another brand of indefinite reference arises out of R05 1640 the use of the . When a question contains two verbs, the R05 1650 response does not make clear which of them is being answered. R05 1660 The moonlit night was made for romance, and he had been looking at R05 1670 her soulfully for some time. Finally he asked, "Do you object to petting"? R05 1680 "That's one thing I've never done", she said promptly. R05 1690 He thought a moment, then inquired, "You mean petted"? R05 1700 "No", she smiled, "objected". Replies to requests for R05 1710 character reference are notorious for their evasive double-entendre. R05 1720 It would be hard to find anything more equivocal than: "I cannot R05 1730 recommend him too highly". Another less ambiguous case read R05 1740 as follows: "The bearer of this letter has served me for two years R05 1750 to his complete satisfaction. If you are thinking of giving him a R05 1760 berth, be sure to make it a wide one". In the comedy of indefinite R05 1770 reference, occupies a prominent place because of its R05 1780 frequent occurrence. Ambiguity arises when the pronoun carries R05 1790 a twofold reference. Two friends were talking. One said, "When R05 1800 I get a cold I buy a bottle of whiskey for it, and within a R05 1810 few hours it's gone". The speaker referred to the whiskey but his R05 1820 friend thought he meant the cold. It-wit is a misnomer because R05 1830 it covers slips as well as wit. An excited woman was making an emergency R05 1840 call over the phone: "Doctor, please come over right away. My R05 1850 husband is in great pain. R06 0010 I CALLED the other afternoon on my old friend, Graves Moreland, R06 0020 the Anglo-American literary critic- his mother was born in R06 0030 Ohio- who lives alone in a fairy-tale cottage on the Upson Downs, R06 0040 raising hell and peacocks, the former only when the venerable gentleman R06 0050 becomes an angry old man about the state of literature or something R06 0060 else that is dwindling and diminishing, such as human stature, hope, R06 0070 and humor. My unscientific friend does not believe that human R06 0080 stature is measurable in terms of speed, momentum, weightlessness, or R06 0090 distance from earth, but is a matter of the development of the human R06 0100 mind. After Gagarin became the Greatest Man in the World, for a R06 0110 nation that does not believe in the cult of personality or in careerism, R06 0120 Moreland wrote me a letter in which he said: "I am not interested R06 0130 in how long a bee can live in a vacuum, or how far it can fly. A R06 0140 bee's place is in the hive". "I have come to talk with R06 0150 you about the future of humor and comedy", I told him, at which he R06 0160 started slightly, and then made us each a stiff drink, with a trembling R06 0170 hand. "I seem to remember", he said, "that in an interview R06 0180 ten years ago you gave humor and comedy five years to live. Did R06 0190 you go to their funeral"? "I was wrong", I admitted. R06 0200 "Comedy didn't die, it just went crazy. It has identified itself R06 0210 with the very tension and terror it once did so much to alleviate. We R06 0220 now have not only what has been called over here the comedy of menace R06 0230 but we also have horror jokes, magazines known as Horror Comics, R06 0240 and sick comedians. There are even publications called and R06 0250 . The is not crazy as a loon or mad as a March R06 0260 hare; it is manic as a man". "I woke up this morning", R06 0270 Moreland said, "paraphrasing Lewis Carroll. Do you want to hear R06 0280 the paraphrase"? "Can I bear it"? I asked, taking R06 0290 a final gulp of my drink, and handing him the empty glass. R06 0300 "Just barely", he said, and repeated his paraphrase: "The R06 0310 time has come", the walrus said, "To speak of manic things, R06 0320 Of shots and shouts, and sealing dooms Of commoners and kings". R06 0330 Moreland fixed us each another drink, and said, "For R06 0340 God's sake, tell me something truly amusing". "I'll R06 0350 try", I said, and sat for a moment thinking. "Oh yes, the other R06 0360 day I reread some of Emerson's and there R06 0370 was an anecdote about a group of English and Americans visiting Germany, R06 0380 more than a hundred years ago. In the railway station at Berlin, R06 0390 a uniformed attendant was chanting, 'Foreigners this way! Foreigners R06 0400 this way'! One woman- she could have been either English R06 0410 or American- went up to him and said, 'But are the foreigners'". R06 0420 I took a deep breath and an even deeper swallow of my R06 0430 drink, and said, "I admit that going back to Ralph Waldo Emerson R06 0440 for humor is like going to a modern musical comedy for music and comedy". R06 0450 "What's the matter with the music"? Moreland R06 0460 asked. "It doesn't drown out the dialogue", I explained. R06 0470 "Let's talk about books", Moreland said. "I am told R06 0480 that in America you have non-books by non-writers, brought out by R06 0490 non-publishers for non-readers. Is it all non-fiction"? "There R06 0500 is non-fiction and non non-fiction", I said. "Speaking R06 0510 of nonism: the other day, in a story about a sit-down demonstration, R06 0520 the Paris wrote, 'The non-violence became noisier'. R06 0530 And then Eichmann was quoted as saying, in non-English, that R06 0540 Hitler's plan to exterminate the Jews was nonsense". R06 0550 "If we cannot tell evil, horror, and insanity from nonsense, what is R06 0560 the future of humor and comedy"? Moreland asked, grimly. R06 0570 "Cryptic", I said. "They require, for existence, a brave spirit R06 0580 and a high heart, and where do you find these? In our present era R06 0590 of Science and the heart has been downgraded, to use one R06 0600 of our popular retrogressive verbs". "I know what you mean", R06 0610 Moreland sighed. "Last year your Tennessee Williams told R06 0620 our Dilys Powell, in a television program, that it is the task of the R06 0630 playwright to throw light into the dark corners of the human heart. R06 0640 Like almost everybody else, he confused the heart, both as organ and R06 0650 as symbol, with the disturbed psyche, the deranged glands, and the jumpy R06 0660 central nervous system. I'm not pleading for the heart that leaps R06 0670 up when it beholds a rainbow in the sky, or for the heart that with R06 0680 rapture fills and dances with the daffodils. The sentimental pure heart R06 0690 of Galahad is gone with the knightly years, but I still believe R06 0700 in the heart of the George Meredith character that was not made of the R06 0710 stuff that breaks". "We no longer have Tom Moore's R06 0720 and Longfellow's 'heart for any fate', either", I said. R06 0730 "Moore and Longfellow didn't have the fate that faces us", Moreland R06 0740 said. "One day our species promises co-existence, and the next R06 0750 day it threatens co-extinction". We sat for a while drinking in R06 0760 silence. "The heart", I said finally, "is now either in R06 0770 the throat or the mouth or the stomach or the shoes. When it was worn R06 0780 in the breast, or even on the sleeve, we at least knew where it was". R06 0790 There was a long silence. "You have visited England five R06 0800 times in the past quarter-century, I believe", my host said. "What R06 0810 has impressed you most on your present visit"? "I R06 0820 would say depressed, not impressed", I told him. "I should say it R06 0830 is the turning of courts of law into veritable theatres for sex dramas, R06 0840 involving clergymen and parishioners, psychiatrists and patients. R06 0850 It is becoming harder and harder to tell law courts and political arenas R06 0860 from the modern theatre". "Do you think we need a new R06 0870 Henry James to re-explore the Anglo-American scene"? he asked. R06 0880 "Or perhaps a new Noe^l Coward"? "But you must have R06 0890 heard it said that the drawing-room disappeared forever with the somnolent R06 0900 years of James and the antic heyday of Coward. I myself hear R06 0910 it said constantly- in drawing-rooms. In them, there is usually R06 0920 a group of Anglo-Americans with tragicomic problems, worthy of being R06 0930 explored either in the novel or in the play or in comedy and satire". R06 0940 I stood up and began pacing. "If you are trying to get R06 0950 us out of the brothel, the dustbin, the kitchen sink, and the tawdry living-room, R06 0960 you are probably wasting your time", Moreland told me. R06 0970 "Too many of our writers seem to be interested only in creatures that R06 0980 crawl out of the woodwork or from under the rock". "Furiouser R06 0990 and furiouser", I said. "I am worried about the current R06 1000 meanings of the word 'funny'. It now means ominous, as when one speaks R06 1010 of a funny sound in the motor; disturbing, as when one says that R06 1020 a friend is acting funny; and frightening, as when a wife tells R06 1030 the police that it is funny, but her husband hasn't been home for two R06 1040 days and nights". Moreland sat brooding for a full minute, R06 1050 during which I made each of us a new drink. He took his glass, clinked R06 1060 it against mine, and said, <"Toujours gai,> what the hell"! R06 1070 borrowing a line from Don Marquis' Mehitabel. "Be careful R06 1080 of the word 'gay', for it, too, has undergone a change. It R06 1090 now means, in my country, homosexual", I said. "Oh, I forgot to R06 1100 say that if one is taken to the funny house in the funny wagon, he is R06 1110 removed to a mental institution in an ambulance. Recently, by the way, R06 1120 I received a questionnaire in which I was asked whether or not I R06 1130 was non-institutionalized". ## MY HOST went over and stared R06 1140 out the window at his peacocks; then he turned to me. "Is R06 1150 it true that you believe the other animals are saner than the human species"? R06 1160 "Oh, that is demonstrable", I told him. "Do R06 1170 you remember the woman in the French Alps who was all alone with her R06 1180 sheep one day when the sun darkened ominously? She told the sheep, R06 1190 'The world is coming to an end'! And the sheep said- all R06 1200 in unison, I have no doubt- 'Ba-a-a'! The sound mockery of R06 1210 sheep is like the salubrious horse laugh". "That is only partly R06 1220 non-nonsense", he began. "If you saw the drama called R06 1230 I said, "think of the effect it would have on R06 1240 an audience of rhinos when the actor on stage suddenly begins turning R06 1250 into a rhinoceros. The rhinos would panic, screaming 'Help'!- R06 1260 if that can be screamed in their language". "You think R06 1270 the Russians are getting ahead of us in comedy"? Moreland demanded. R06 1280 "Non-God, no", I said. "The political and intellectual R06 1290 Left began fighting humor and comedy years ago, because they fear R06 1300 things they do not understand and cannot manage, such as satire and R06 1305 irony, such as R06 1310 humor and comedy. Nevertheless, like any other human being R06 1320 upon whom the spotlight of the world plays continually, Khrushchev, R06 1330 the anti-personality cultist, has become a comic actor, or thinks R06 1340 he has. In his famous meeting with Nixon a couple of years ago he seemed R06 1350 to believe that he was as funny as Ed Wynn. But, like Caesar, R06 1360 he has only one joke, so far as I can find out. It consists in saying, R06 1370 'That would be sending the goat to look after the cabbage'. Why R06 1380 in the name of his non-God doesn't he vary it a bit"? R06 1390 "Such as"? Moreland asked. "Such as 'sending the R06 1400 cat to guard the mice', or 'the falcon to protect the dove', or R06 1410 most terribly sharp of all, 'the human being to save humanity'". R06 1420 "You and I have fallen out of literature into politics", R06 1430 Moreland observed. "What a nasty fall was there"! I R06 1440 said. Moreland went over to stare at his peacocks again, and then R06 1450 came back and sat down, restively. "The world that was once foot-loose R06 1460 and fancy-free", he said, "has now become screw-loose and R06 1470 frenzy-free. In our age of Science and it seems to me more R06 1480 brave to stay on Earth and explore inner man than to fly far from the R06 1490 sphere of our sorrow and explore outer space". "The human R06 1500 ego being what it is", I put in, "science fiction has always assumed R06 1510 that the creatures on the planets of a thousand larger solar systems R06 1520 than ours must look like gigantic tube-nosed fruit bats. It seems R06 1530 to me that the first human being to reach one of these planets may R06 1540 well learn what it is to be a truly great and noble species". R06 1550 "Now we are leaving humor and comedy behind again", Moreland protested. R06 1560 "Not in the largest sense of the words", I said. R06 1570 "The other day Arnold Toynbee spoke against the inveterate tendency R06 1580 of our species to believe in the uniqueness of its religions, its R06 1590 ideologies, and its virtually everything else. Why do we not realize R06 1600 that no ideology believes so much in itself as it disbelieves in something R06 1610 else? Forty years ago an English writer, W& L& George, R06 1620 dealt with this subject in and said, as an example, R06 1630 that 'Saint George for Merry England' would not start R06 1640 a spirit half so quickly as 'Strike frog-eating Frenchmen dead'"! R06 1650 "There was also Moreland R06 1660 reminded me, "and or if you will, . It isn't what the ideologist believes in, R06 1680 but what he hates, that puts the world in jeopardy. This is the force, R06 1690 in our time and in every other time, that urges the paranoiac and the R06 1700 manic-depressive to become head of a state. Complete power not only R06 1710 corrupts but it also attracts the mad. There is a bitter satire for R06 1720 a future writer in that". "Great satire has always been clearly R06 1730 written and readily understandable", I said. "But we now R06 1740 find writers obsessed by the nooks and crannies of their ivory towers, R06 1750 and curiously devoted to the growing obscurity and complexity of poetry R06 1760 and non-poetry. I wrote a few years ago that one of the cardinal rules R06 1770 of writing is that the reader should be able to get some idea of R06 1780 what the story is about. R07 0010 One day, the children had wanted to get up onto General Burnside's R07 0020 horse. They wanted to see what his back felt like- the General's. R07 0030 He looked so comfortable being straight. They wanted to touch R07 0040 the mystery. Arlene was boosting them up when the policeman came R07 0050 by. He was very rude. Arlene had a hard voice, too, this R07 0060 time. The policeman's eyes rather popped for a second; but then R07 0070 Arlene got another tone in a hurry, and she said, "If it wasn't R07 0080 for these dear children"-. The policeman got a confused, R07 0090 funny look on his face, and he had answered kind of politely, "Now, R07 0100 look here, lady: I know you got to entertain these kids and all. R07 0110 But this is a public park and it's a city ordinance that the statues R07 0120 cannot be crawled on". Arlene was so ashamed that she hung R07 0130 her head when she said, "Yes, sir". The policeman walked R07 0140 on, but he looked back once. That had happened on the day when R07 0145 two R07 0150 other unusual things had occurred. Arlene had taught them a new way R07 0160 to have fun in their little private area; and they had told their R07 0170 mother about the tumbles. In matters of exact information, that kept R07 0180 her one step behind developments; and so they were consistently true R07 0190 to their principles. "Never mind", Arlene had said, after R07 0200 the policeman had left, having pursued the usual unco-operative course R07 0210 of grownups. "Never mind. I know something that is much more fun R07 0220 that we can do on our little lawn". "What is it"? asked R07 0230 the children, whose reflexes and replies were invariably so admirably R07 0240 normal and predictable. Maybe that was why they were cordial and R07 0250 loyal towards the unpredictability of Arlene. "Just you wait", R07 0260 advised Arlene, echoing the dialogue in a recent British movie. R07 0270 And when they had got to their little lawn, they had had a most R07 0280 twirlingly magnificent time. First, Arlene had put them through R07 0290 some rapid somersaults. They had protested that wasn't any R07 0300 surprise. "Just you wait", said Arlene again, as though R07 0310 she were discovering the pleasantly tingling insinuations of that handy R07 0320 little sturdy statement. "This is a warm-up". "Is it R07 0330 anything like cooked-over oatmeal"? asked one of the children. R07 0340 "Not the least bit", Arlene snapped. One of the many things R07 0350 that was so nice about her was that she always took your questions seriously, R07 0360 particularly your very, very serious questions. Those were R07 0370 especially the ones that all other grownups laughed at loudest. She would R07 0380 sometimes even get a little hard on you, she took you so seriously. R07 0390 But not hard for very long. Just long enough to make you feel important. R07 0400 "Now", said Arlene, eventually, making them both R07 0410 sit in formation on a big root of a live oak, the sort of root that divided R07 0420 itself and made their bottoms sag down and feel comfortable. "Now, R07 0430 we're going to be like what General Burnside and his horse make R07 0440 us think of". The children looked at each other and R07 0450 sagged their bottoms down even more comfortably than ever. Their curiosity R07 0460 went happily out of bounds. Then, Arlene threw herself R07 0470 backwards and wiggled in a way that was just wonderful. She held herself R07 0480 that way and turned her head towards them and laughed and winked. R07 0490 "Imagine being able to laugh and wink when you're like the top part R07 0500 of that picture frame at home", one of them said. They both laughed R07 0510 and winked back. "I'm General Burnside's horse, upside R07 0520 down", Arlene said, sort of gaspingly, for her: even she had R07 0530 to breathe kind of funny when she was in that position. She made General R07 0540 Burnside's horse's belly do so funny when it was upside down. R07 0550 Then, she was back on her feet, winking and smiling that enormous R07 0560 smile (she had lots of wonderful big teeth that you never would have suspected R07 0570 she had when she was not smiling). And she would wink and throw R07 0580 kisses. They both tried to keep smiling and winking for a long time, R07 0590 but it made lips and eyelids tremble. But they kept on R07 0600 clapping for a long, long time. "This time", Arlene said, R07 0610 and she even kept on wiggling a little bit while she was just talking, R07 0620 " going to tell me what I am and what I'm doing. It R07 0630 all has something to do with General Burnside and his horse". R07 0640 This time, it was so grand; they could tell exactly what it was. R07 0650 It was General Burnside's horse running in a circle. His legs R07 0660 shook, and the shaking went right on up his body through his hips to R07 0670 his shoulders. "That's the General's horse", one of them cried R07 0680 out. The other remarked, in a happy laughter, "That's R07 0690 a funny old horse". The first one said, "He sure does shake. R07 0700 ". Then there was the General kissing his R07 0710 wife. They had to be told that one. But it was even funnier after R07 0720 they had been told. Their father, when he came back from those many R07 0730 business trips, just bumped their mother on the forehead with his lips R07 0740 and asked if anybody had thought to mix the martinis and put them in R07 0750 the electric icebox. But not General Burnside. He was the funniest R07 0760 man. He never could keep still, even when he didn't move his feet. R07 0770 Then, had to get up and be General Burnside. Or his R07 0780 horse. All they could think of was to run around in circles, kicking R07 0790 their legs out. It wasn't very funny. Then, they said General R07 0800 Burnside was going to jump over his horse's head; and they did some R07 0810 somersaults. But that wasn't very funny, either. "You R07 0820 ought to shake", Arlene advised them. And Arlene showed them how R07 0830 to begin. She also taught them to sing "I wish I could shimmy like R07 0840 my sister Kate". That helped a lot. They were clumsy, but they R07 0850 were beginning to catch on. They also caught on a little bit on how to R07 0860 smile a lot without your lips trembling. "Imagine you won't get R07 0870 your allowance if you're caught not smiling- or smiling with your R07 0880 lips trembling too much", Arlene suggested. That helped a R07 0890 great deal. ## They were a little late in getting home. "I'm R07 0900 sorry, Mrs& Minks", Arlene said in a tone so low you could R07 0910 hardly hear it. My mother constituted herself the voice R07 0920 of all of us. "It's perfectly understandable, Arlene", my mother R07 0930 said in a friendly way. "I suppose you all were playing and forgot"? R07 0940 "Yes, ma'am", the children chorused heartily. R07 0950 We couldn't help laughing. The children rushed off to R07 0960 get rid of their sweaters; and Arlene began tapping the kitchen door R07 0970 open. "Arlene's a good girl", my uncle remarked to us; but R07 0980 he said it too soon, for it came out just before the tap to which the R07 0990 door responded. That tap had a slight bangish quality. "She R07 1000 really is a dear little thing", my mother agreed. Her upper lip R07 1005 lifted R07 1010 slightly. She was biting into a small red radish; and that action R07 1020 always caused her to lift her lip from the sting of the thing. Also, R07 1030 she lived in continual fear of finding a white worm curled up in R07 1040 a neat, mean little heap at the white center of the radish. She would R07 1050 try to see over the bulge of her cheeks and somewhat under her teeth R07 1060 to the place where she was biting. It never worked, naturally; but R07 1070 it made her look unusual. Also, when she had bitten off half of the small R07 1080 radish, she found the suspense unbearable; and she would snatch R07 1090 the finger-held half of the radish out to where she could inspect it. R07 1100 One could hear a very faint, ladylike sigh of relief. Actually, it R07 1110 was inaudible to anyone not expecting it. But the warm joy of her brown R07 1120 eyes was open to the general public. Later on, the children R07 1130 told her further about somersaulting. "It must be good R07 1140 for them. And kind of Arlene", she told us later. "But R07 1150 do you know something curious"? she added. "I reached into R07 1160 that funny little pocket that is high up on my dress. I have no notion R07 1170 why I reached. And I found a . Was it an omen? I thought R07 1180 for a second. But I would not pamper myself in that silly way. R07 1190 I opened the window and threw the radish out". Then, my mother R07 1200 blushed at this small lie; for she knew and we knew that it was R07 1210 cowardice that had made one more radish that night just too impossible R07 1220 a strain. ## Arlene became indispensable; nobody could have R07 1230 told why. But she was. It was in the air. A friend of my father's R07 1240 came to dinner. He was passing through town and phoned to say R07 1250 hello. As a result, he was persuaded out to dinner. As a matter of R07 1260 fact, this happened every four or five months. Sometimes, he coincided R07 1270 with my father's being at home. Sometimes, as at this juncture, he R07 1280 did not. But he was always persuaded out. he liked children, R07 1300 in a loathsome kind of way; the two youngest in our family always had R07 1310 to be R07 1320 brought in and put through tricks for his entertainment. When he R07 1330 had left, I could never remember whether he had poked them in their R07 1340 middles, laughingly, with a thick index finger or whether he was merely R07 1350 so much the sort of person who did this that one assumed the action, R07 1360 not bothering to look. The children loathed him, too. This evening, R07 1370 they were pushed in from the breakfast room, with odds and ends R07 1380 of dessert distributed over them. There had been some coconut in it, R07 1390 for I remember my mother's taking a quick glance at a stringy bit R07 1400 of this nut on the cheek of one of them and then putting down her radish R07 1410 with a shiver. They were pushed gently into the room by Arlene- R07 1420 whose only part appearing were hands that crept quickly back R07 1430 around to the kitchen side of the door. We had just sat down. R07 1440 "Tell Mr& Gorboduc what you're doing these days", my mother R07 1450 advised the children, ceremonially. There was an air of revolt R07 1460 about the children- even irreverence for their own principles. This R07 1470 could be told chiefly from a sort of head-tossing and prancing, a R07 1480 horselike balkiness of demeanor. Possibly, the coconut-containing dessert R07 1490 had brought up bitter problems of administration. But, at the beginning, R07 1500 this stayed just in the air. "We go to the park with R07 1510 this nice lady", one of them said. "We have good times". R07 1520 This happy bulletin convulsed Mr& Gorboduc. "You "? R07 1530 he asked, between wheezes of laughter. He was forced to wipe his eyes. R07 1540 "You don't step on the flowers, do you? Eh"? One R07 1550 of the children maneuvered out of range of the poking index finger. R07 1560 "No", he said. "We don't". Mr& Gorboduc R07 1570 took a swig of his sherry. He was so long thinking that my mother had R07 1580 time to inspect her sherry for dregs. Usually, this was done when R07 1590 attention was diverted by someone else's long, boring story. But this R07 1600 time she was nervous: she was open. Mr& Gorboduc was finally R07 1610 in command of his mind again. "Tell me- what do you do at R07 1620 the park"? he asked. This was delivered in a forthright way, without R07 1630 coyness and over-pretended interest- an admirable way with children. R07 1640 Only, unfortunately, he could not remove from his voice a nagging R07 1650 insinuation of the direct command. This nettled the children into the R07 1660 revelation of exact truth, a sacrifice of their secret superiority R07 1670 over grown people, but a victory in the wide fields of perpetration and R07 1680 illegitimate accomplishment. "We bump", one said; and R07 1690 the other went on to development of the idea. "We grind, too", he R07 1700 said. My mother was beside herself with curiosity. "Say that R07 1710 again", she pleaded. She laughed a little and tossed the dregs rakishly R07 1720 around in her glass. "You what"? She could see that Mr& R07 1730 Gorboduc was intrigued; the hostess in her took over. She was R07 1740 rollickingly happy. "You what"? My uncle looked at Mr& R07 1750 Gorboduc. He read Henry James and used to pretend profundity R07 1760 through eye-beamings at people. Mr& Gorboduc looked down. He R07 1770 would not look up. He was very funny about the whole thing. R08 0010 #@# {PUERI AQUAM DE SILVAS AD AGRICOLAS PORTANT}, a delightful R08 0020 vignette set in the unforgettable epoch of pre-Punic War Rome. R08 0030 Marcellus, the hero, is beset from all sides by the problems of R08 0040 approaching manhood. The story opens on the eve of his fifty-third birthday, R08 0050 as he prepares for the two weeks of festivities that are to follow. R08 0060 Suddenly, a messenger arrives and, just before collapsing dead R08 0070 at his feet, informs him that the Saracens have invaded Silesia, the R08 0080 home province of his affianced. He at once cancels the celebrations R08 0090 and, buckling on his scimitar, stumbles blindly from the house, where R08 0100 he is hit and killed by a passing oxcart. #@# {THE ALBANY CIVIC R08 0110 OPERA's} presentation of Spumoni's immortal , with guest contralto Hattie Sforzt. An R08 0130 unusual, if not extraordinary, rendering of the classic myth that involves R08 0140 the rescue of Prometheus from the rock by the U&S& Cavalry R08 0150 was given last week in the warehouse of the Albany Leather Conduit R08 0160 Company amid cheers of "Hubba hubba" and "Yalagaloo pip pip"! R08 0170 After a "busy" overture, the curtain rises on a farm R08 0180 scene- the Ranavan Valley in northern Maine. A dead armadillo, R08 0190 the sole occupant of the stage, symbolizes the crisis and destruction R08 0200 of the Old Order. Old Order, acted and atonally sung by Grunnfeu R08 0210 Arapacis, the lovely Serbantian import, then entered and delivered R08 0220 the well-known invocation to the god Phineoppus, whereupon the stage R08 0230 is quite unexpectedly visited by a company of wandering Gorshek priests, R08 0240 symbolizing Love, Lust, Prudence and General Motors, respectively. R08 0250 According to the myth, Old Order then vanishes at stage left R08 0260 and reappears at extreme stage right, but director Shuz skillfully sidesteps R08 0270 the rather gooshey problem of stage effects by simply having R08 0280 Miss Arapacis walk across the stage. The night saw it, a rather R08 0290 unpleasant situation arose when the soloist refused to approach the R08 0300 armadillo, complaining- in ad-lib- that "it smelled". We caught R08 0310 the early train to New York. #@# {THE DHARMA DICTIONARY}, R08 0320 a list of highly unusual terms used in connection with Eurasian R08 0330 proto-senility cults. It's somewhat off the beaten track, to R08 0340 be sure, but therein lies its variety and charm. For example, probably R08 0350 very few people know that the word "visrhanik" that is bantered R08 0360 about so much today stems from the verb "bouanahsha": to salivate. R08 0370 Likewise, and equally fascinating, is the news that such unlikely R08 0380 synonyms as "pratakku", "sweathruna", and the tongue-twister R08 0385 "nnuolapertar-it-vuh-karti-biri-pitknoumen" R08 0390 all originated in the same R08 0395 village in Bathar-on-Walli R08 0400 Province and are all used to express R08 0410 sentiments concerning British "imperialism". The terms are fairly R08 0420 safe to use on this side of the ocean, but before you start spouting R08 0430 them to your date, it might be best to find out if he was a member of R08 0440 Major Pockmanster's Delhi Regiment, since resentment toward the R08 0450 natives was reportedly very high in that outfit. #@# {THE R08 0460 BREEZE AND CHANCELLOR NEITZBOHR}, a movie melodrama that concerns R08 0470 the attempts of a West German politician to woo a plaster cast of R08 0480 the Apollo Belvedere. As you have doubtless guessed already, the plot R08 0490 is plastered with Freudian, Jungian, and Meinckian theory. For R08 0500 example, when the film is only four minutes old, Neitzbohr refers to R08 0510 a small, Victorian piano stool as "Wilhelmina", and we are thereupon R08 0520 subjected to a flashback that informs us that this very piano stool R08 0530 was once used by an epileptic governess whose name, of course, was R08 0540 Doris (the English equivalent, when passed through middle-Gaelic derivations, R08 0550 of Wilhelmina). For the remainder of the movie, Chancellor R08 0560 Neitzbohr proceeds to lash the piano stool with a slat from a Venetian R08 0570 blind that used to hang in the pre-war Reichstag. In this manner, R08 0580 he seeks to expunge from his own soul the guilt pangs caused by his R08 0590 personal assaults against the English at Dunkirk. As we find out R08 0600 at the end, it is not the stool (symbolizing Doris, therefore the English) R08 0610 that he is punishing but the piece of Venetian blind. And, when R08 0620 the slat finally shatters, we see him count the fragments, all the R08 0630 while muttering, "He loves me, he loves me not". After a few tortuous R08 0640 moments of wondering who "he" is, the camera pans across the R08 0650 room to the plaster statue, and we realize that Neitzbohr is trying R08 0660 to redeem himself in the eyes of a mute piece of sculpture. The effect, R08 0670 needless to say, is almost terrifying, and though at times a bit obscure, R08 0680 the film is certainly a much-needed catharsis for the "repressed" R08 0690 movie-goer. #@# {THE MUSIC OF BINI SALFININISTAS, R08 0700 CAPITAL ~LP @63711-R}, one of the rare recordings of this R08 0705 titanic, R08 0710 yet unsung, composer. Those persons who were lucky enough to see R08 0720 and hear the performance of his work at the Brest-Silevniov Festival R08 0730 in August, 1916, will certainly welcome his return to public notice; R08 0740 and it is not unlikely that, even as the great Bach lay dormant R08 0750 for so many years, so has the erudite, ingenious SalFininistas passed R08 0760 through his "purgatory" of neglect. But now, under the guidance R08 0770 of the contemporary composer Marc Schlek, Jr&, a major revival R08 0780 is under way. As he leads the Neurenschatz Skolkau Orchestra, Schlek R08 0790 gives a tremendously inspired performance of both the Baslot and R08 0800 Rattzhenfuut concertos, including the controversial Tschilwyk cadenza, R08 0810 which was included at the conductor's insistence. A major portion R08 0820 of the credit should also go to flautist Haumd for his rendering of R08 0830 the almost impossible "Indianapolis" movement in the Baslot. Not R08 0840 only was Haumd's intonation and phrasing without flaw, but he seemed R08 0850 to take every tonal eccentricity in stride. For example, to move R08 0860 (as the score requires) from the lowest ~F-major register up to a R08 0870 barely audible ~N minor in four seconds, not skipping, at the same R08 0880 time, even of the 407 fingerings, seems a feat too absurd to consider, R08 0890 and it is to the flautist's credit that he remained silent R08 0900 throughout the passage. We would have preferred, however, to have had R08 0910 the rest of the orchestra refrain from laughing at this and other spots R08 0920 on the recording, since it mars an otherwise sober, if not lofty, R08 0930 performance. R08 0940 As Broadway itself becomes increasingly weighted down by trite, heavy-handed, R08 0950 commercially successful musicals and inspirational problem dramas, R08 0960 the American theatre is going through an inexorable renaissance R08 0970 in that nebulous area known as "off-Broadway". For the last two R08 0980 years, this frontier of the arts has produced a number of so-called R08 0990 "non-dramas" which have left indelible, bittersweet impressions on R08 1000 the psyche of this veteran theatregoer. The latest and, significantly, R08 1010 greatest fruit of this theatrical vine is , an adaptation of R08 1020 Basho's classic frog-haiku by Roger Entwhistle, a former University R08 1030 of Maryland chemistry instructor. Although the play does show R08 1040 a certain structural amateurishness (there are eleven acts varying in R08 1050 length from twenty-five seconds to an hour and a half), the statement R08 1060 it makes concerning the ceaseless yearning and searching of youth is profound R08 1070 and worthy of our attention. The action centers about a group R08 1080 of outspoken and offbeat students sitting around a table in a cafeteria R08 1090 and their collective and ultimately fruitless search for a cup of hot R08 1100 coffee. They are relentlessly rebuffed on all sides by a waitress, R08 1110 the police, and an intruding government tutor. The innocence that R08 1120 they tried to conceal at the beginning is clearly destroyed forever when R08 1130 one of them, asking for a piece of lemon-meringue pie, gets a plate R08 1140 of English muffins instead. Leaving the theatre after the performance, R08 1150 I had a flash of intuition that life, after all (as Rilke said), R08 1160 is just a search for the nonexistent cup of hot coffee, and that this R08 1170 unpretentious, moving, clever, bitter slice of life was the greatest R08 1180 thing to happen to the American theatre since Brooks Atkinson retired. R08 1190 Aging but still precocious, French feline R08 1200 Francoisette Lagoon has succeeded in shocking jaded old Paris R08 1210 again, this time with a sexy ballet scenario called , the story of a nymphomaniac trip-hammer operator who falls R08 1230 hopelessly in love with a middle-aged steam shovel. A biting, pithy R08 1240 parable of the all-pervading hollowness of modern life, the piece R08 1250 has been set by ~Mlle R08 1255 Lagoon to a sumptuous score (a single motif played R08 1260 over and over by four thousand French horns) by existentialist hot-shot R08 1270 Jean-Paul Sartre. Petite, lovely Yvette Chadroe plays the R08 1280 nymphomaniac engagingly. Ever since , and, more recently, R08 1290 , there have been a lot of books about animals, R08 1300 but few compare with Max Fink's wry, understated, charming, and immensely R08 1310 readable . Done in R08 1320 the modern style of a "confession", Fink tells in exquisite detail R08 1330 how he came to know, and, more important, love his mother's pet salamander, R08 1340 Alicia. It is not an entirely happy book, as Mrs& Fink R08 1350 soon becomes jealous of Alicia and, in retaliation, refuses to continue R08 1360 to scrape the algae off her glass. Max, in a fit of despair, takes R08 1370 Alicia and runs off for two marvelous weeks in Burbank (Fink calls R08 1380 it "the most wonderful and lovely fourteen days in my whole life"), R08 1390 at the end of which Alicia tragically contracts Parkinson's disease R08 1400 and dies. This brief resume hardly does the book justice, but R08 1410 I heartily recommend it to all those who are with the major R08 1420 problems of our time. Opera in the Grand Tradition, along R08 1430 with mah-jongg, seems to be staging a well-deserved comeback. In this R08 1440 country, the two guiding lights are, without doubt, Felix Fing and R08 1450 Anna Pulova. Fing, a lean, chiseled, impeccable gentleman of the old R08 1460 school who was once mistaken on the street for Sir Cedric Hardwicke, R08 1470 is responsible for the rediscovery of Verdi's earliest, most raucous R08 1475 opera, , R08 1480 a sumptuous with a haunting R08 1490 leitmotiv that struck me as being highly reminiscent of the Mudugno R08 1500 version of "Volare". Miss Pulova has a voice that Maria Callas R08 1510 once described as "like chipping teeth with a screw driver", R08 1520 and her round, opalescent face becomes fascinatingly reflective of the R08 1530 emotions demanded by the role of Rosalie. The Champs Elysees R08 1540 is literally littered this summer with the prostrate bodies of France's R08 1550 beat-up beatnik . Cause of all this commotion: R08 1560 squat, pug-nosed, balding, hopelessly ugly Jean-Pierre Bravado, R08 1570 a Bogartian figure, who plays a sadistic, amoral, philosophic Tasti-Freeze R08 1580 salesman in old New-Waver Fredrico de Mille Rossilini's R08 1590 endlessly provocative film, . Bravado has been R08 1600 alternately described as "a symbol of the new grandeur of France and R08 1605 myself" (De Gaulle) R08 1610 and "a decadent, disgusting slob"! (Norman R08 1620 Mailer), but no one can deny that the screen crackles with electricity R08 1630 whenever he is on it. Soaring to stardom along with him, Margo R08 1640 Felicity Brighetti, a luscious and curvaceously beguiling Italian R08 1650 starlet, turns in a creditable performance as an airplane mechanic. R08 1660 The battle of the drib-drool continues, but most of New York's R08 1670 knowing sophisticates of Abstract Expressionism are stamping their R08 1680 feet impatiently in expectation of ~V (for Vindication) Day, R08 1690 September first, when Augustus Quasimodo's first one-man show opens R08 1700 at the Guggenheim. We have heard that after seeing Mr& Quasimodo's R08 1710 work it will be virtually impossible to deny the artistic validity R08 1720 and importance of the whole abstract movement. And it is thought R08 1730 by many who think about such things that Quasimodo is the logical culmination R08 1740 of a school that started with Monet, progressed through Kandinsky R08 1750 and the cubist Picasso, and blossomed just recently in Pollock R08 1760 and De Kooning. Quasimodo defines his own art as "the search R08 1770 for what is not there". "I paint the nothing", he said R08 1780 once to Franz Kline and myself, "the nothing that is behind the something, R08 1790 the inexpressible, unpaintable 'tick' in the unconscious, R08 1800 the 'spirit' of the moment resting forever, suspended like a huge R08 1810 balloon, in non-time". It is his relentlessness and unwaivering adherence R08 1820 to this revolutionary artistic philosophy that has enabled him R08 1830 to paint such pictures as "The Invasion of Cuba". In this work, R08 1840 his use of non-color is startling and skillful. The sweep of space, R08 1850 the delicate counterbalance of the white masses, the over-all completeness R08 1860 and unity, the originality and imagination, all entitle it to be R08 1870 called an authentic masterpiece. I asked Quasimodo recently how he R08 1880 accomplished this, and he replied that he had painted his model "a beautiful R08 1890 shade of red and then had her breathe on the canvas", which R08 1900 was his typical tongue-in-cheek way of chiding me for my lack of sensitivity. R09 0010 DEAR SIRS: LET ME BEGIN by clearing up any possible misconception R09 0020 in your minds, wherever you are. The collective by which I R09 0030 address you in the title above is neither patronizing nor jocose but R09 0040 an exact industrial term in use among professional thieves. It is, I R09 0050 am reliably given to understand, the technical argot for those who engage R09 0060 in your particular branch of the boost; i&e&, burglars who R09 0070 rob while the tenants are absent, in contrast to hot-slough prowlers, R09 0080 those who work while the occupants are home. Since the latter obviously R09 0090 require an audacity you do not possess, you may perhaps suppose that R09 0100 I am taunting you as socially inferior. Far from it; I merely R09 0110 draw an etymological distinction, hoping that specialists and busy people R09 0120 like you will welcome such precision in a layman. Above all, disabuse R09 0130 yourselves of any thought that I propose to vent moral indignation R09 0140 at your rifling my residence, to whimper over the loss of a few objets R09 0150 d'art, or to shame you into rectitude. My object, rather, is to R09 0160 alert you to an aspect or two of the affair that could have the gravest R09 0170 implications for you, far beyond the legal sanctions society might R09 0180 inflict. You have unwittingly set in motion forces so malign, so vindictive, R09 0190 that it would be downright inhumane of me not to warn you about R09 0200 them. Quite candidly, fellows, I wouldn't be in your shoes for R09 0210 all the rice in China. As you've doubtless forgotten the circumstances R09 0220 in the press of more recent depredations, permit me to recapitulate R09 0230 them briefly. Sometime on Saturday evening, August 22nd, R09 0240 while my family and I were dining at the Hostaria dell' Orso, in R09 0250 Rome, you jimmied a window of our home in Bucks County, Pennsylvania, R09 0260 and let yourselves into the premises. Hastening to the attic, the R09 0270 temperature of which was easily hotter than the Gold Coast, you proceeded R09 0280 to mask the windows with a fancy wool coverlet, some khaki pants, R09 0290 and the like, and to ransack the innumerable boxes and barrels stored R09 0300 there. What you were looking for (unless you make a hobby of collecting R09 0310 old tennis rackets and fly screens) eludes me, but to judge from R09 0320 phonograph records scattered about a fumed-oak Victrola, you danced R09 0330 two tangos and a which must have been fairly enervating R09 0340 in that milieu. You then descended one story, glommed a television R09 0350 set from the music room- the only constructive feature of your visit, R09 0360 by the way- and, returning to the ground floor, entered the master R09 0370 bedroom. From the curio cabinet on its south wall and the bureaus R09 0380 beneath, you abstracted seventeen ivory, metal, wood, and stone sculptures R09 0390 of Oriental and African origin, two snuffboxes, and a jade-handled R09 0400 magnifying glass. Rummaging through a stack of drawers nearby, you R09 0410 unearthed an antique French chess set in ivory and sandalwood, which, R09 0420 along with two box Kodaks, you added to your haul. Then, having R09 0430 wrapped the lot in an afghan my dog customarily slept on, you lammed out R09 0440 the front door, considerately leaving it open for neighbors to discover. R09 0450 So much for the tiresome facts, as familiar to you, I'm R09 0460 sure, as to the constables and state troopers who followed in your wake. R09 0470 The foregoing, aided by several clues I'll withhold to keep you R09 0480 on your toes, will pursue you with a tenacity worthy of Inspector R09 0490 Javert, but before they close in, gird yourselves, I repeat, for a vengeance R09 0500 infinitely more pitiless. Fourteen of the sculptures you took R09 0510 posses properties of a most curious and terrifying nature, as you will R09 0520 observe when your limbs begin to wither and your hair falls out in R09 0530 patches. In time, these minor manifestations will multiply and effloresce, R09 0535 riddling R09 0540 you with frambesia, the king's evil, sheep rot, and clonic R09 0550 spasm, until your very existence becomes a burden and you cry out for R09 0560 release. All this, though, is simply a prelude, a curtain-raiser, R09 0570 for what ensues, and I doubt whether any Occidental could accurately R09 0580 forecast it. If, however, it would help to intensify your anguish, R09 0590 I can delimit the powers of a few of the divinities you've affronted R09 0600 and describe the punishment they meted out in one analogous instance. R09 0610 Hold on tight. First of all, the six figures of the Buddha R09 0620 you heisted- four Siamese heads, a black obsidian statuette in the R09 0630 earth-touching position, and a large brass figure of the Dying Buddha R09 0640 on a teakwood base. Now, you probably share the widespread Western R09 0650 belief that the Lord Buddha is the most compassionate of the gods, R09 0660 much more so than Jehovah and Allah and the rest. 'Fess up- don't R09 0670 you? Well, ordinarily he is, (as the Wheel of the R09 0680 Law specifies) toward impious folk who steal, disturb, or maltreat the R09 0690 Presence. Very peculiar retribution indeed seems to overtake such R09 0700 jokers. Eight or ten years ago, a couple of French hoods stole a priceless R09 0710 Khmer head from the Musee Guimet, in Paris, and a week later R09 0720 crawled into the Salpetriere with unmistakable symptoms of leprosy. R09 0730 Hell's own amount of chaulmoogra oil did nothing to alleviate R09 0740 their R09 0750 torment; they expired amid indescribable fantods, imploring the Blessed R09 0760 One to forgive their desecration. Any reputable French interne R09 0770 can supply you with a dozen similar instances, and I'll presently R09 0780 recount a case out of my own personal experience, but, for the moment, R09 0790 let's resume our catalogue. Whether the pair of Sudanese R09 0800 ivory carvings you lifted really possess the juju to turn your livers R09 0810 to lead, as a dealer in Khartoum assured me, I am not competent to R09 0820 say. Likewise the ivory Chinese female figure known as a "doctor R09 0830 lady" (provenance Honan); a friend of mine removing her from the R09 0840 curio cabinet for inspection was felled as if by a hammer, but he had R09 0850 previously drunk a quantity of applejack. The three Indian brass deities, R09 0860 though- Ganessa, Siva, and Krishna- are an altogether different R09 0870 cup of tea. They hail from Travancore, a state in the subcontinent R09 0880 where Kali, the goddess of death, is worshiped. Have you ever R09 0890 heard of thuggee? Nuf sed **h. But it is the wooden sculpture from R09 0900 Bali, the one representing two men with their heads bent backward and R09 0910 their bodies interlaced by a fish, that I particularly call to your R09 0920 attention. Oddly enough, this is an amulet against housebreakers, presented R09 0930 to the and me by a local rajah in 1949. Inscribed around R09 0940 its base is a charm in Balinese, a dialect I take it you don't R09 0950 comprehend. Neither do I, but the Tjokorda Agoeng was good enough R09 0960 to translate, and I'll do as much for you. Whosoever violates our R09 0970 rooftree, the legend states, can expect maximal sorrow. The teeth R09 0980 will rain from his mouth like pebbles, his wife will make him R09 0990 with fishmongers, and a trolley car will grow in his stomach. Furthermore- R09 1000 and this, to me, strikes an especially warming note- it shall R09 1010 avail the vandals naught to throw away or dispose of their loot. The R09 1020 cycle of disaster starts the moment they touch any belonging of ours, R09 1030 and dogs them unto the forty-fifth generation. Sort of remorseless, R09 1040 isn't it? Still, there it is. Now, you no doubt regard R09 1050 the preceding as pap; you're tooling around full of gage in your hot R09 1060 rods, gorging yourselves on pizza and playing pinball in the taverns R09 1070 and generally behaving like . In that case, listen R09 1080 to what befell another wisenheimer who tangled with our joss. A couple R09 1090 of years back, I occupied a Village apartment whose outer staircase R09 1100 contained the type of niche called a "coffin turn". In it was R09 1110 a stone Tibetan Buddha I had picked up in Bombay, and occasionally, R09 1120 to make merit, my wife and I garlanded it with flowers or laid a R09 1130 few pennies in its lap. After a while, we became aware that the money R09 1140 was disappearing as fast as we replenished it. Our suspicions eventually R09 1150 centered, by the process of elimination, on a grocer's boy, a R09 1160 thoroughly bad hat, who delivered cartons to the people overhead. The R09 1170 more I probed into this young man's activities and character, the R09 1180 less savory I found him. I learned, for example, that he made a practice R09 1190 of yapping at dogs he encountered and, in winter, of sprinkling R09 1200 salt on the icy pavement to scarify their feet. His energy was prodigious; R09 1210 sometimes he would be up before dawn, clad as a garbage collector R09 1220 and hurling pails into areaways to exasperate us, and thereafter would R09 1230 hurry to the Bronx Zoo to grimace at the lions and press cigar R09 1240 butts against their paws. Evenings, he was frequently to be seen at restaurants R09 1250 like Enrico + Paglieri's or Peter's Backyard drunkenly R09 1260 donning ladies' hats and singing "O Sole Mio". In short, R09 1270 and to borrow an arboreal phrase, slash timber. Well, the odious little R09 1280 toad went along chivying animals and humans who couldn't retaliate, R09 1290 and in due course, as was inevitable, overreached himself. One morning, R09 1300 we discovered not only that the pennies were missing from the R09 1310 idol but that a cigarette had been stubbed out in its lap. "Now he's R09 1320 bought it", said my wife contentedly. "No divinity will hold R09 1330 still for that. He's really asking for it". And how right she was. R09 1340 The next time we saw him, he was a changed person; he had aged R09 1350 thirty years, and his face, the color of tallow, was crisscrossed with R09 1360 wrinkles, R09 1365 as though it had been wrapped in chicken wire. Some sort of R09 1370 nemesis was haunting his footsteps, he told us in a quavering voice- R09 1380 either an ape specter or Abe Spector, a process-server, we couldn't R09 1390 determine which. His eyes had the same dreadful rigid stare as Dr& R09 1400 Grimesby Roylott's when he was found before his open safe wearing R09 1410 the speckled band. The grocery the youth worked for soon tired R09 1420 of his depressing effect on customers, most of whom were sufficiently R09 1430 neurotic without the threat of incubi, and let him go. The beautiful, R09 1440 the satisfying part of his disintegration, however, was the masterly R09 1450 way the Buddha polished him off. Reduced to beggary, he at last got R09 1460 a job as office boy to a television producer. His deficiency R09 1470 of taste, and sadism carried him straightaway to the top. He evolved R09 1480 programs that plumbed new depths of bathos and besmirched whole networks, R09 1490 and quickly superseded his boss. Not long ago, I rode down R09 1500 with him in an elevator in Radio City; he was talking to himself R09 1510 thirteen to the dozen and smoking two cigars at once, clearly a man . "See that guy"? the operator asked pityingly. "I R09 1530 wouldn't be in his shoes for all the rice in China. There's R09 1540 some kind of a nemesis haunting his footsteps". However one R09 1550 looks at it, therefore, I'd say that your horoscope for this autumn R09 1560 is the reverse of rosy. The inventory you acquired from me isn't R09 1570 going to be easy to move; you can't very well sidle up to people R09 1580 on the street and ask if they want to buy a hot Bodhisattva. Additionally, R09 1590 since you're going to be pretty soon with R09 1600 sprue, yaws, Delhi boil, the Granville wilt, liver fluke, bilharziasis, R09 1610 and a host of other complications of the hex you've aroused, you R09 1620 mustn't expect to be lionized socially. My advice, if you live long R09 1630 enough to continue your vocation, is that the next time you're attracted R09 1640 by the exotic, pass it up- it's nothing but a headache. As R09 1650 you can count on me to do the same. compassionately yours, R09 1660 S& J& PERELMAN #REVULSION IN THE DESERT# THE DOORS R09 1670 of the ~D train slid shut, and as I dropped into a seat and, R09 1680 exhaling, looked up across the aisle, the whole aviary in my head burst R09 1690 into song. She was a living doll and no mistake- the blue-black bang, R09 1700 the wide cheekbones, olive-flushed, that betrayed the Cherokee strain R09 1710 in her Midwestern lineage, and the mouth whose only fault, in the R09 1720 novelist's carping phrase, was that the lower lip was a trifle too R09 1730 voluptuous. From what I was able to gauge in a swift, greedy glance, R09 1740 the figure inside the coral-colored boucle dress was stupefying.