P01 0010  1       They neither liked nor disliked the Old Man. To
P01 0010 10    them he could have been the broken bell in the church
P01 0020  9    tower which rang before and after Mass, and at noon,
P01 0030  6    and at six each evening- its tone, repetitive, monotonous,
P01 0040  2    never breaking the boredom of the streets. The Old
P01 0050  1    Man was unimportant.
P01 0050  4       Yet if he were not there, they would have missed
P01 0060  2    him, as they would have missed the sounds of bees buzzing
P01 0060 13    against the screen door in early June; or the smell
P01 0070 10    of thick tomato paste- the ripe smell that was both
P01 0080  9    sweet and sour- rising up from aluminum trays wrapped
P01 0090  4    in fly-dotted cheesecloth. Or the surging whirling
P01 0100  1    sounds of bats at night, when their black bodies dived
P01 0100 11    into the blackness above and below the amber street
P01 0110  7    lights. Or the bay of female dogs in heat.
P01 0120  4       They never called him by name, although he had one.
P01 0130  2    Filippo Rossi, that's what he was called in the old
P01 0130 12    country; but here he was just Signore or the Old Man.
P01 0140 11    But this was not unusual, because youth in these quarters
P01 0150  8    was always pushed at a distance from its elders. Youth
P01 0160  5    obeyed when commanded. It went to church on Sunday
P01 0170  3    and one Saturday a month went to confession. But youth
P01 0180  1    asked nothing of its parents- not a touch of the hand
P01 0180 12    or a kiss given in passing.
P01 0190  3       The only thing unusual about the Old Man had long
P01 0200  2    since happened. But the past was dead here as the present
P01 0200 13    was dead. Once the Old Man had had a wife. And once
P01 0210 11    she, too, ignored him. With a tiny fur-piece wrapped
P01 0220  7    around her shoulders, she wiggled her satin-covered
P01 0230  3    buttocks down the street before him and didn't stop.
P01 0240  1    In one hand she clutched a hundred dollar bill and
P01 0240 11    in the other a straw suitcase. The way she strutted
P01 0250  6    down the street, the Old Man would have been blind
P01 0260  4    not to have noticed both. Without looking at him, without
P01 0270  2    looking at anything except Drexel Street directly in
P01 0270 10    front of her, she climbed up into one of those orange
P01 0280 10    streetcars, rode away in it, and never came back.
P01 0290  6       "But she shouldn't have come here in the first place",
P01 0300  5    the women had said.
P01 0300  9       "No, no. Not that one. She thought she was bigger
P01 0310  8    than we are because she came from Torino".
P01 0320  2       "Eh, Torino! She gave herself fancy airs! Just because
P01 0330  3    she had a part on the stage in the old country, she
P01 0330 15    thought she could carry her head higher than ours".
P01 0340  9    They had slapped their thighs.
P01 0350  3       "It's not for making pretty speeches about Dante
P01 0360  1    those actresses get paid so good".
P01 0360  7       "Henh"! Calloused fingers, caressed only by the
P01 0370  6    smoothness of polished rosaries, had swayed excitedly
P01 0380  3    beneath puckered chins where tiny black hairs sprouted,
P01 0390  1    never to be tweezed away. Mauve-colored mouths that
P01 0390 10    had never known anything sweeter than the taste of
P01 0400  7    new wine and the passion of man's tongue had not smiled,
P01 0410  5    but had condemned again and again. "Puttana"!
P01 0420  1       But if the Old Man even thought about his wife now,
P01 0430  2    nobody cared a fig. It was enough for people to know
P01 0430 13    that at one time he had looked down the street at the
P01 0440 11    fleshy suppleness of a woman he had consumed- watching
P01 0450  5    her become thinner and thinner in the distance, as
P01 0460  3    thin as the seams on her stockings, and still thinner.
P01 0460 13    His voice had not commanded her to stop. It had not
P01 0470 11    questioned why. The women said they had seen him wave
P01 0480  8    an exhausted farewell; but he might have been shooing
P01 0490  5    away the fleas that hopped from his yellow dog onto
P01 0500  2    him. (He was never without that dog.) And his eyes-
P01 0500 12    those miniature sundials of variegated yellow- had
P01 0510  6    not altered their expression or direction. The Old
P01 0520  5    Man's very soul could have left him and flown down
P01 0530  3    that street, but he wouldn't have had anyone know it.
P01 0530 13       Perhaps he had known then where that hundred dollar
P01 0540 10    bill had come from and where it was taking his wife.
P01 0550  9    But when he called for his withered, wrinkled sister
P01 0560  4    Rose to care for him and the children, had he guessed
P01 0570  3    that all he would remember of his woman was the memory
P01 0570 14    of her climbing into that streetcar?
P01 0580  6       There seemed to be a contemptuous purpose in the
P01 0590  4    way he sat there with his eyes glued to Drexel Street
P01 0600  2    and his back in opposition to the church behind him.
P01 0600 12    For all he saw or cared to see, this could have been
P01 0610 11    a town in Italy, not the outskirts of Philadelphia.
P01 0620  4    It could have been Bari or Chieti for the way it smelled.
P01 0630  5    What did it matter to him that the park at the foot
P01 0640  1    of Ash Road stretched beneath elevated trains that
P01 0640  9    roared from the stucco station into the city's center
P01 0650  7    at half-hour intervals? Or that the tiny creek spun
P01 0660  6    its silent course toward the Schuylkill? This place
P01 0670  3    was hatred to him, just as hatred was his only companion
P01 0680  1    in his aloneness. To him they were one and the same.
P01 0680 12       Sameness for the Old Man was framed in by a wall
P01 0690 11    of ginkgo trees which divided these quarters from the
P01 0700  5    city. Sameness lined the streets with two-story houses
P01 0710  2    the color of ash. It slashed the sloping manure-scented
P01 0720  1    lawns with concrete steps which climbed upward to white
P01 0720 10    wooden porches. It swayed with the wicker swings and
P01 0730  8    screeched with the rusted hinges of screen doors.
P01 0740  4       Even the stable-garage, which housed nothing now
P01 0750  2    but the scent of rot, had a lawn before it. And the
P01 0750 14    coffee shop on Drexel Street, where the men spent their
P01 0760  9    evenings and Sundays playing cards, had a rose hedge
P01 0770  7    beneath its window. The hedge reeked of coffee dregs
P01 0780  4    thrown against it.
P01 0780  7       Only one house on the street had no lawn before
P01 0790  5    it. It squatted low and square upon the sidewalk with
P01 0800  2    a heavy iron grating supporting a glass facade. That
P01 0800 11    was Bartoli's shop. Above it, from a second-story showroom,
P01 0810  9    wooden angels surveyed the neighborhood. Did the Old
P01 0820  6    Man remember them there?
P01 0830  1       Yet everywhere else sameness was stucco and wood
P01 0830  9    in square blocks- like fortresses perched against the
P01 0840  8    slant of the hill, rising with the hill to the top
P01 0850  6    where the church was and beyond that to the cemetery.
P01 0860  1    Only paved alleyways tunneled through the walls of
P01 0860  9    those fortresses into the mysterious core of intimacy
P01 0870  7    behind the houses where backyards owned no fences,
P01 0880  4    where one man's property blended with the next to form
P01 0890  3    courtyards in which no one knew privacy. Love and hatred
P01 0890 13    and fear were one here, shaded only by fig trees and
P01 0900 11    grape vines. And the forked tongue of gossip licked
P01 0910  6    its sinister way from back porch to back porch.
P01 0920  3       The Old Man silently fed upon these streets. They
P01 0930  1    kept him alive, waiting. Waiting for what and for whom,
P01 0930 11    only he could tell and would not. It was as though
P01 0940  9    he had made a pact with the devil himself, but it was
P01 0950  6    not yet time to pay the price. He was holding out for
P01 0960  3    something. He was determined to hold out.
P01 0960 10    #2#
P01 0960 11    The Old Man's son threw himself down, belly first,
P01 0970  8    upon a concrete step, taking in the coolness of it,
P01 0980  7    and dreaming of the day he would be rich. At fifteen
P01 0990  3    he didn't care that he had no mother, that he couldn't
P01 1000  1    remember her face or her touch; neither did he care
P01 1000 11    that Aunt Rose provided for him.
P01 1010  4       He was named Pompeii as a tribute to his heritage,
P01 1020  2    and he couldn't have cared less about that either.
P01 1020 11    To him life was a restless boredom that began with
P01 1030  9    the rising sun and ended only with sleep.
P01 1040  4       When he would be a man, he would be a rich man.
P01 1050  2    He would not be like the "rich Americans" who lived
P01 1050 12    in white-columned houses on the other side of the park.
P01 1060  9    He would not ride the eight-thirty local to the city
P01 1070  7    each morning. He would not carry a brief case. Nor
P01 1080  3    would he work at all. He would square his shoulders
P01 1080 13    and carry a cane before each step. He would sit inside
P01 1090 11    the coffee shop and pound a gloved fist upon the table
P01 1100  9    and a girl would hear him and come running, bowing
P01 1110  4    with her running, calling out in her bowing, "At your
P01 1120  2    service". He would order her to bring coffee, and would
P01 1120 12    take from his vest pocket a thin black pipe which he
P01 1130 11    would stuff- he would not remove his gloves- and light
P01 1140  7    and smoke. He could do that when he would be a man.
P01 1150  6       "Hey, Laura"! he called to his sister on the porch
P01 1160  4    above the steps. She was only ten months older than
P01 1170  1    he. "Laura, what would you say if I smoked a pipe"?
P01 1170 12       Laura did not answer him. She leaned unconcerned
P01 1180  8    against the broken porch fence, brushing and drying
P01 1190  5    her wet, gilded hair in the sun. One lithe leg straddled
P01 1200  3    the railing and swung loosely before the creaking,
P01 1210  1    torn pales. Her tanned foot, whose arch swept high
P01 1210 10    and white, pointed artfully toward tapering toes- toes
P01 1220  6    like fingers, whose tips glowed white. All the while
P01 1240  5    she sat there, her sinewy arms swirled before her chest.
P01 1250  2       Her face showed no sign of having heard Pompeii.
P01 1250 11    It was a face that had lost its childlike softness
P01 1260 10    and was beginning to fold within its fragile features
P01 1270  6    a harshness that belied the lyric lines of its contours.
P01 1280  4    The eyes, blue and always somewhat downcast, possessed
P01 1290  1    a sullen quality. Even though the boy could not see
P01 1290 11    them, he knew they were clouded by distance. He was
P01 1300  8    never sure they fully took him in.
P01 1310  3       Pompeii called again, "Laura"! But the only answer
P01 1320  1    that reached him was the screeching of the porch rail
P01 1320 11    from her leg moving against it.
P01 1330  4       "She's in a mood", he thought "There's not a month
P01 1340  4    she doesn't get herself in a mood".
P01 1340 11       Well, what did that matter when the sun was shining
P01 1350 10    and there were dreams to dream about? And as for his
P01 1360  8    pipe, if he wanted to smoke one, nobody would stop
P01 1370  4    him. Not even Laura.
P01 1370  8       Suddenly he was interrupted in his daydreaming by
P01 1380  5    a warm wetness lapping against his chin, and his eyes
P01 1390  4    opened wide and long at the sight of a goat's claret
P01 1390 15    tongue, feasting against the salt taste of him. Above
P01 1400  9    the tongue, an aged yellow eye, sallow and time-cast,
P01 1410  7    encrusted within a sphere of marbleized pink skin,
P01 1420  3    stared unfalteringly at him.
P01 1420  7       "Christ sake, goat, git"! But the goat would not.
P01 1430  8       "You're boiling milk, ain't you"? soothing it with
P01 1440  7    his hand, knowing the whiskered jowls and the swollen
P01 1450  5    smoothness of teats that wrinkled expectantly to his
P01 1460  3    touch. Pompeii rolled over. His head undulated gradually,
P01 1460 11    covering space, to come straining beneath the taut
P01 1470  8    belly within the warmth of those teats. With his mouth
P01 1480  7    opened wide, he squirted the warm white milk against
P01 1490  4    the roof of his mouth and his tongue savored the light,
P01 1500  1    earthy taste of it. The boy's fingers and mouth operated
P01 1500 11    with the skilled unity of a bagpipe player, pressing
P01 1510  9    and pulling, delighting in what he did.
P01 1520  5       Above him slid the evasive shadow of a storm cloud.
P01 1530  2    Its form was a heavy figure in a fluttering soutane.
P01 1530 12    But the boy could see only the goat's belly.
P01 1540  8       The Old Man near the corner let the shadow pass
P01 1550  6    over him, sensing something portentous in it. He knew
P01 1560  4    it was there, knew also what it was about, but he wouldn't
P01 1570  1    raise a finger except to smooth his yellow dog's back.
P01 1570 11    There would be time enough, perhaps the Old Man reassured
P01 1580  9    himself, to pay the devil his due. Time enough to give
P01 1590  8    up his soul.
P01 1590 11       In the meantime, six sandals, stained an ocher,
P01 1600  6    the same color as Pompeii's shaved hair, edged up close
P01 1610  5    to him. The clapping they made on the concrete interrupted
P01 1620  2    him in the ecstatic pleasure he knew, so that he quickly
P01 1630  1    released his hold on the goat and pretended to be examining
P01 1630 12    its haunches for ticks.
P01 1640  3       He knew at a glance that the biggest sandals belonged
P01 1650  2    to Niobe, the neatest ones to Concetta, and the laced
P01 1650 12    ones to Romeo, Concetta's idiot brother. Pompeii expected
P01 1660  8    Romeo's small body to sink closer and closer to the
P01 1670 10    ground. He expected Concetta's thin hand to reach down
P01 1680  6    to grasp the boy, and her shrill, impetuous voice to
P01 1690  3    sound against the rotundity of his disfigured flesh
P01 1690 11    that was never sure of hearing anything.
P02 0010  1       People came in and out all evening to see the baby
P02 0010 12    and hold it. The room filled with smoke, and Maggie's
P02 0020  8    head throbbed with excitement and fatigue, but Stuart
P02 0030  5    had such a happy, earnest look of proud possession
P02 0040  2    on his face that Maggie couldn't bear to do anything
P02 0040 12    to quench it.
P02 0050  3       Little Anne rapidly outdistanced her mother in recovery.
P02 0060  1    In two months she became a fat highly social baby,
P02 0060 11    with a fuzz of flaxen hair all over her head. She stopped
P02 0070 10    flying into rages and started digesting her food; she
P02 0080  6    developed a peaches and cream complexion and a sunny
P02 0090  4    disposition, and she asked for nothing more of life
P02 0100  1    than that she be kept dry and comfortable and fed huge
P02 0100 12    amounts of food at stated intervals and be carried
P02 0110  7    to where she could watch activity going on around her.
P02 0120  5       She was so heavy that Maggie's arms shook from lifting
P02 0130  3    her and taking care of her. Maggie couldn't seem to
P02 0140  1    get her strength back or catch up with herself with
P02 0140 11    all she had to do: there was the big basket of clothes
P02 0150  8    to be coaxed through the rackety old washer and lugged
P02 0160  5    out and lugged back; there was the daily round of household
P02 0170  3    chores in which Maggie insisted on participating. Worry
P02 0180  1    had a great deal to do with it; Stuart had been laid
P02 0180 13    off at the produce company and had to go back to sitting
P02 0190 10    in his father's office, taking what salary his father
P02 0200  6    could hand out to him. Mr& Clifton would have preferred
P02 0210  4    death and bankruptcy to having his son stay with his
P02 0220  2    wife's people without contributing to his and his family's
P02 0230  1    upkeep, and besides that there were the things that
P02 0230 10    had to be bought for the baby, milk and orange juice
P02 0240  5    and vitamins and soap, just plain soap. Maggie and
P02 0250  3    Stuart pored over figures every night, trying to find
P02 0250 12    how they could squeeze out a few pennies more.
P02 0260  9       In desperation Maggie consulted Eugenia one afternoon:
P02 0270  5    "Do you think you could find me something I could do
P02 0280  7    here at home to make some money, so I could still watch
P02 0290  3    the baby and do the rest of the things"?
P02 0300  1       "It seems to me you have enough to do as it is",
P02 0300 12    Eugenia said. She had been watching Maggie go from
P02 0310  7    the washing machine to the baby to the stove and back
P02 0320  5    again.
P02 0320  6       "I have plenty of odd moments when I could be doing
P02 0330  5    something", Maggie said. "It would make me feel a lot
P02 0340  4    better, but the Woman's Exchange isn't taking baked
P02 0340 12    goods any more and I can't leave the baby with Grandma
P02 0350 11    because she isn't strong enough and the baby's too
P02 0360  8    young to be put in a nursery".
P02 0370  1       "I should think so", Eugenia said. "For one thing
P02 0380  1    you can stop keeping that child in starched dresses
P02 0380 10    and changed from the skin out nineteen times a day".
P02 0390  7       "She's so beautiful, and I do like to keep her looking
P02 0400  9    nice". Maggie said. She picked up the baby and nuzzled
P02 0410  6    her fat warm little neck.
P02 0410 11       "She'll be just as beautiful in something that doesn't
P02 0420  9    have to be ironed", Eugenia said. "Evadna Mae Evans
P02 0430  6    said she didn't put a thing on her child but a flannel
P02 0440  6    wrapper until it was nine months old".
P02 0450  1       "Evadna Mae Evans got all her baby clothes from
P02 0450 10    Best's Liliputian Bazaar in New York, and I'm sick
P02 0460  8    and tired of hearing about Evadna Mae Evans".
P02 0470  4       "Well now, Maggie, you don't have to snap at me",
P02 0480  6    Eugenia said. "I'm just thinking of a way for you to
P02 0490  4    be sensible".
P02 0490  6       "I'm sorry. I do seem to snap at everybody these
P02 0500  4    days, but I would like to think of a way to make a
P02 0510  2    little extra money".
P02 0510  5       "Well, let's see. Let's make a list of your assets".
P02 0520  6       Maggie started laughing, and she laughed so hard
P02 0530  3    she couldn't stop, and she kept on laughing while she
P02 0530 13    lugged the clothes out to the yard to hang them up
P02 0540 11    while the sun was still shining. When she came back
P02 0550  6    Eugenia was sitting at the kitchen table with a pencil
P02 0560  4    and envelope jotting down words and figures.
P02 0570  1       "I have here that you could run a nursery of your
P02 0570 11    own for working mothers", Eugenia said. "We could put
P02 0590  6    up cribs on the second floor sleeping porch and turn
P02 0600  5    the front bedroom into a playroom where it's nice and
P02 0610  3    sunny, but of course it would entail quite a bit of
P02 0610 14    running up and down stairs and Chris said you were
P02 0620 10    to be careful about that".
P02 0630  1       "What else"?
P02 0630  3       "You might set up a dress shop in the living room".
P02 0640  3       "Every woman in the block has tried that".
P02 0650  1       "What about a tea room, then? You could set up tables
P02 0660  1    in the front room and serve salads and your baked beans
P02 0660 12    and brown bread and Grandma could dress like a gypsy
P02 0670  8    and tell fortunes".
P02 0680  1       "It's too elaborate. And Grandma isn't strong enough
P02 0680  9    to take on something like that, and to tell you the
P02 0690 10    truth neither am I".
P02 0700  1       Eugenia sighed. She said, "Well, those are the really
P02 0700 10    interesting things, but if you don't like any of those
P02 0710 10    I can turn over some of my extra typing jobs to you,
P02 0720  8    if you think you can type well enough".
P02 0730  1       "Oh, I'm sure I could do that", Maggie said. "But
P02 0740  1    it really wouldn't be fair, taking your jobs away from
P02 0740 11    you".
P02 0750  1       "Don't worry, I can get plenty more", Eugenia said,
P02 0750 10    wondering where in the world she could. Maggie was
P02 0760  9    looking much happier already, clearing a space on the
P02 0770  7    table and chattering about how she could put up a typewriter
P02 0780  5    right there, and be brushing up on her typing so Eugenia
P02 0790  3    wouldn't be ashamed of it. "And then whenever I have
P02 0800  1    a minute I can be working at it, and keep an eye on
P02 0800 14    the baby and the stove at the same time. And I can
P02 0810  9    go back to my contests and be thinking while I'm doing
P02 0820  4    the washing".
P02 0820  6       "What are you going to do with your feet so you
P02 0830  8    don't waste anything"?
P02 0830 11       Maggie laughed. She said, "Oh Eugenia, I wish **h"
P02 0840  9       "What"?
P02 0850  1       "I wish I had three wishes", Maggie said. "All of
P02 0860  2    them for you".
P02 0860  5    ##
P02 0860  6    It grew bitterly cold toward the end of November, contributing
P02 0870  2    to the miseries of countless numbers of people. The
P02 0880  2    temperature dropped to twenty below at night and stood
P02 0880 11    at zero during the days. The cold settled like a tangible
P02 0890  9    pall over the Mile High City, locking it in an icy
P02 0900  8    grip that harshened its outlines and altered its physical
P02 0910  4    appearance; it had a look of grim stark realism, resembling
P02 0920  2    other cities whose habitual climate was cold, instead
P02 0920 10    of the sprawling bumptious open-handed greedy Western
P02 0930  8    city basking in eternal sunshine at the foot of mountains
P02 0940  7    stored with endless riches and resources.
P02 0950  2       The jobless huddled in the streets outside of employment
P02 0960  1    offices, outside newspaper buildings, in parks, in
P02 0960  8    relief lines, outside government agencies. There weren't
P02 0970  6    facilities to take care of them; there never had been
P02 0980  7    a need felt for such facilities. That kind of poverty
P02 0990  4    was regarded as the exclusive property of the East,
P02 1000  1    which created depressions with their stock markets
P02 1000  8    and their congested populations and their greedy centralization
P02 1010  6    of industries, protected by discriminatory freight
P02 1020  4    rates. The East was popularly supposed to have got
P02 1030  4    the country into war and into depression, dragging
P02 1030 12    the west along; and now the East was creating government
P02 1040  9    agencies for which the West doubtless would have to
P02 1050  7    pay.
P02 1050  8       The government offices were being opened but they
P02 1060  6    weren't being opened fast enough and meanwhile the
P02 1070  2    cold penetrated everything. Shivering, people talked
P02 1070  8    and argued; all this government spending would have
P02 1080  8    to be paid for somehow, but on the other hand desperate
P02 1090  7    circumstances called for desperate remedies and something
P02 1100  4    had to be done.
P02 1100  8       Something had to be done; it was the theme song
P02 1110  6    of millions of American people, their personal problems
P02 1120  2    no less urgent than those of the government. Something
P02 1130  1    had to be done. The Abernathys said it to each other
P02 1130 12    a dozen times a day.
P02 1140  3       Something had to be done about the furnace, the
P02 1140 12    fuel bills, the washing machine, the doctor and dentist
P02 1150  8    bills, about making money stretch for food, for the
P02 1160  7    mortgage, for taxes, for shoes, for half soles, for
P02 1161  3    overshoes, for clothes, for the new leaks in the roof,
P02 1170 10    for gas and light bills; about keeping warm, about
P02 1180  8    keeping well, about meeting the minor emergencies that
P02 1190  5    came up once, twice, fifty times a day. Just dropping
P02 1200  3    the baby's bottle and breaking it became a catastrophe,
P02 1210  1    and Stuart wore out his shoes so fast that he was termed
P02 1210 13    a major disaster.
P02 1220  2       The Abernathy furnace consumed fuel like a giant
P02 1230  1    ravenous maw that had to be appeased by hurling tons
P02 1230 11    of coal into its evil red depths, and no matter how
P02 1240  8    much coal they put in the house remained cold. Cold
P02 1250  3    came in the innumerable cracks that seemed to have
P02 1250 12    sprung up, under doors, around loosened window frames,
P02 1260  8    from the sleeping porches, the attic, from the widened
P02 1270  7    cracks between shingles on the roof. Presently they
P02 1280  4    had to give up running the furnace at full capacity
P02 1290  1    and depend on the old coal range in the kitchen, which
P02 1290 12    had never been removed when the new gas range was installed,
P02 1300  9    and the fireplaces and an electric heater in Grandma's
P02 1310  6    room. It was so cold and so wretched that a sort of
P02 1320  5    desperate gaiety infected all of them, like people
P02 1330  1    stormbound or shipwrecked or caught in some other freak
P02 1330 10    of circumstance so that time stood still and minor
P02 1340  8    anxieties fell away and the only important thing was
P02 1350  4    to cling together and survive.
P02 1350  9       The pipes burst and they all laughed and stood in
P02 1360  9    ice water to their ankles while they swabbed the bathrooms.
P02 1370  5    They lived mainly in the kitchen; they moved Maggie's
P02 1380  3    bed and the baby's basket there, and the rest of them
P02 1390  2    undressed by the stove and ran groaning and shivering
P02 1390 11    to the upper polar regions and plunged into icy beds.
P02 1400  8    Grandma said it was just like the early mining camp
P02 1410  6    days, and it was the way people ought to live, only
P02 1420  2    she was getting too old to take the pleasure from it
P02 1420 13    that she used to.
P02 1430  3       "You said a mouthful", Eugenia said grimly. Eugenia
P02 1440  1    hated being cold worse than anything, and she was beginning
P02 1440 11    to find the joys of poverty wearing thin. She said
P02 1450 10    to Maggie that it was one thing to meet an emergency
P02 1460  7    and another to wallow in it, and it was beginning to
P02 1470  3    look at if this one was going to last forever.
P02 1480  1       "Plenty of people are poor all their lives".
P02 1480  9       "Plenty of people haven't our brains and talent".
P02 1490  7       "I know you when you start talking about brains
P02 1500  6    and talent", Maggie said. "You're working up to something,
P02 1510  5    and if you don't watch out you'll ruin your whole life
P02 1520  4    one of these days just to prove that the Abernathy
P02 1530  1    family is superior to everything, even a depression".
P02 1530  9       "The only thing that worries me is how I'm going
P02 1540 10    to prove it", Eugenia said.
P02 1550  2       They begged Grandma to let them put a bed in the
P02 1550 13    kitchen for her, but Grandma said she was getting too
P02 1560 10    old to sleep in strange beds and be seen with her teeth
P02 1570  8    out, and that she hoped to die in privacy like a Christian
P02 1580  5    and if the Lord willed it to be of pneumonia than it
P02 1590  3    would have to be that way. She didn't want to be the
P02 1590 15    only one with a stove in her room, especially as her
P02 1600 11    life span was nearly run out anyway, and she insisted
P02 1610  7    that Hope have the heater. Hope wouldn't hear of it,
P02 1620  4    and she took the heater back to Grandma's room, and
P02 1630  2    Grandma took it back to Hope's room, and the two of
P02 1630 13    them dragged it back and forth until Grandma tipped
P02 1640  8    it over and almost set her bedspread on fire. She said
P02 1650  6    that proved she wasn't to be trusted with a fire in
P02 1670  5    her room, and she could be burned to a crisp without
P02 1670 16    anybody knowing it. Eugenia suspected her of deliberately
P02 1680  8    overturning the heater because she was getting tired
P02 1690  7    of dragging it back and forth and still wanted her
P02 1700  5    own way, but Hope said if Grandma wouldn't have the
P02 1710  2    heater nobody would have it, so Grandma had to give
P02 1710 12    in.
P03 0010  1       "Thrifty of her to use it up. Unusual in a case
P03 0010 12    like this, but"-
P03 0020  1       "You can joke! Didn't you read it? She's married
P03 0030  2    that tenant!"
P03 0030  4       "I read it, yes. This ought to simplify Tolley's
P03 0040  4    life".
P03 0040  5       Laban had more to say. Tolley had gone to live in
P03 0050  6    California. He'd mentioned it, himself, at church and
P03 0060  2    everybody seemed to have the idea that Tolley had left
P03 0060 12    because Jenny had jilted him for Roy robards. "It was
P03 0070  9    plain as the nose on your face that they're laughing
P03 0080  7    about it, Mamma. Zion stayed to get my pin, but it'll
P03 0090  7    be a cold day in June when I go back".
P03 0110  1       "We will both go back, Laban"! Kizzie turned to
P03 0110 10    go inside. "Let me stay and take the pictures you wanted,
P03 0120 10    Mamma. The sun's right"-
P03 0130  1       "Pictures"? She swung around. "What pictures"?
P03 0140  2       "In Brace's room! You told me to bring my camera.
P03 0150  4    I'm not going back"-
P03 0150  8       "Indeed you are! Why should I want pictures of an
P03 0160  8    empty room now? Tolley had no idea of marrying that
P03 0170  7    sneaky little Jenny! This- trip of his had nothing
P03 0180  4    to do with her consorting with tenants, and I am going
P03 0190  1    to see that everybody at Mt& Pleasant understands that
P03 0190 10    simple fact. Wait for me, Laban, I'll be dressed in
P03 0200  9    half a second"!
P03 0210  1       Frank followed her into the bedroom, hooked her
P03 0210  9    dress up the back.
P03 0220  1       "Hurry, Frank! They're not going to laugh at the
P03 0230  1    Fairbrothers and Labans very long! Tolley's going is
P03 0230  9    my fault. I drove him away. You know it and I'll tell
P03 0240 12    everybody exactly how it happened".
P03 0250  5       She was so beautiful, so valiant, so pitiable. He
P03 0260  4    kissed her. "Make your confession to God, Kizzie dear,
P03 0270  2    not to the congregation".
P03 0270  6       "I'll decide that when I get there. I was so cruel
P03 0280  8    to Tolley, so unfair. But I'll be fair now! He is coming
P03 0290  7    back, isn't he, Frank"?
P03 0300  1       Yes, oh yes. What else was there to say? Returning
P03 0300 10    to the log-house he found some favorite lines from
P03 0310  7    Jonathan Swift on his lips:
P03 0320  1       "Under the window in stormy weather
P03 0320  7       I marry this man and woman together.
P03 0330  4       Let none but Him who rules the thunder
P03 0340  1       Put this man and woman asunder".
P03 0340  7       Absolution for his lie? He questioned God's taking
P03 0350  5    time to telegraph the message, but he felt better about
P03 0360  5    Kizzie, and he took the sealed envelope from its pigeonhole,
P03 0370  2    wondering why he had preserved it. If he died before
P03 0370 12    she did, she would never be unable to resist opening
P03 0380 10    it. In any case he would be thrusting a burden on his
P03 0390  8    remaining sons, making them parties to a deception
P03 0400  4    peculiarly his own. It was simply his necessity to
P03 0410  2    confess which had made him write and keep this thing.
P03 0410 12    "You've told God, Frank", he said. "Why lacerate the-
P03 0420  9    congregation"?
P03 0430  1       Reaching for an old clay pot, relic of pioneer days,
P03 0430 11    he tore the envelope in pieces, dropping them into
P03 0440  8    it, touching the little pyre to flame, watching it
P03 0450  6    curl, the red sealing wax melting and bubbling in the
P03 0460  3    feathery ash. Surely now his beloved son could rest
P03 0460 12    in peace.
P03 0470  1       "'And let me go, for the night gathers me, and in
P03 0470 12    the night shall no man gather fruit'". A beautiful
P03 0480  3    and haunting line, a subtle genius, Swinburne, difficult
P03 0490  6    not to envy a gifted man, and perhaps he did **h.
P03 0500  5       But there were great satisfactions, even for a small
P03 0510  3    man. Beyond his window were the greening trees, new
P03 0510 12    spring, eternal hope, eternal life. There lay Grand
P03 0520  8    Fair's Quinzaine, his own young parents' graves, but
P03 0530  7    new life and promise for his sons, grandsons. He poured
P03 0540  4    his thimble of wine for the toast he'd made so often.
P03 0550  3    "To absent loved ones". But this last time he drank
P03 0550 13    not to Brace but "To Tolley"!
P03 0560  6    #42#
P03 0560  7    MR& ROBARDS- Jenny was the only person she knew of
P03 0570  8    in the Mt& Pleasant neighborhood who called him that-
P03 0580  5    was kind but too easygoing. It didn't bother him for
P03 0590  3    everybody from the blacksmith to the preacher to say,
P03 0590 12    "Howdy, Miss Jenny", adding a careless "Roy", but it
P03 0600  9    did her.
P03 0610  1       He could put a stop to it, she told him again and
P03 0610 13    again. Simply call Mr& Whipsnade Oscar, and Dr& Dunne
P03 0620  8    P&G&, and C'un Major Frank. Mr& Robards laughed, said
P03 0630  9    he'd feel a damn fool, plain-out couldn't do that even
P03 0640 11    to please her.
P03 0650  1       "You could try. And if I ever hear you say 'Mist
P03 0660  1    Laban' again I'll scream. And don't tell me you didn't
P03 0670  1    at church Sunday. I heard you"!
P03 0670  7       He really hadn't meant to, he assured her, but it
P03 0680  8    was plain to her that the importance of these small
P03 0690  4    things was lost on Mr& Robards. How strange it was
P03 0700  1    that he could give her this handsome house and carte
P03 0700 11    blanche as to its beautiful furnishings, and fail her
P03 0710  6    in- spiritual ways.
P03 0710  9       Another weakness- far more irritating than his manner
P03 0720  7    of speaking, which he made only token effort to change-
P03 0730  8    was his devotion to that old horse of Tolley's. Her
P03 0740  4    horse, rather. But Mr& Robards' now, oh my yes, indeed,
P03 0750  5    yes! He called her "the Mare" much as Mrs& Whipsnade
P03 0760  2    spoke of "the Queen, God bless her". **h He, with fifteen
P03 0770  2    or twenty horses or mares or geldings or what-nots
P03 0770 12    out there in the barn, was reverent only of "the Mare",
P03 0780 10    "the Racin' Mare", the revolting Gunny.
P03 0790  5       For the first few months of their marriage she had
P03 0800  4    tried to be nice about Gunny, going out with him to
P03 0810  2    watch this pearl without price stamp imperiously around
P03 0810 10    in her stall. And what had happened? Gunny invariably
P03 0820  7    tried to bite her. Nerves, Mr& Robards said, just a
P03 0830  6    nip anyway. "Stand back, Miss Jen, she's oneasy of
P03 0840  4    your scarf". Never, "Quit that, you sor'l devil"! Never
P03 0850  3    concern for his wife's nerves, or the danger that the
P03 0860  3    curled lip and big teeth might mark their own dear
P03 0860 13    baby due in January. She musn't annoy Gunny whose foal
P03 0870  8    was due then too!
P03 0880  2       Listening for hours to his laments that the war
P03 0880 11    and "Mist Fair's" poverty afterwards had robbed the
P03 0890  7    mare of many a racing triumph, and to his predictions
P03 0900  6    of greatness for the procession of foals to come, Jenny
P03 0910  6    could look forward to years of conflict with an animal
P03 0920  3    who disliked her intensely and showed it. Gunny symbolized
P03 0930  1    so much that was unpleasant- Tolley, the indifference
P03 0930  9    with which the Fairbrothers and indeed the whole neighborhood
P03 0940  8    now treated her and which she would die rather than
P03 0950  8    acknowledge to her husband, his lack of understanding
P03 0960  3    and sympathy in her present condition, her disgusting
P03 0970  1    swollen stomach.
P03 0970  3       Human birth was no novelty to Mr& Robards. Tillie
P03 0980  2    was a fine midwife and could get here quick, he suggested.
P03 0990  1    Jenny's aversion to having Dr& Dunne, a former admirer,
P03 0990 10    seemed silly to him, but he would humor her, get anybody
P03 1000 11    she wanted, the best never being too good for her.
P03 1010  7       The chances were against his being here to humor
P03 1020  5    her when her time came, she was sure. He would be in
P03 1030  2    the barn, or riding for the veterinarian! Night after
P03 1030 11    night he stayed with Gunny in the dead of winter, rubbing
P03 1040 10    her with quarts of expensive liniment, fussing over
P03 1050  5    her bran mash as the cook did over charlotte russe,
P03 1060  2    tracking manure on the pretty new carpet when he did
P03 1060 12    come to the house. Yet when the dear baby came, he
P03 1070 11    had Tillie over here in a jiffy, and was as attentive
P03 1080  8    and sweet and worried and happy when it was all over
P03 1090  5    as any husband could have been.
P03 1090 11       Jenny wished now that she had had Dr& Dunne, feeling
P03 1100  9    that somehow he wouldn't have allowed the dear baby
P03 1110  6    to turn into triplets. There was something not nice
P03 1120  3    about triplets, though their father seemed pleased,
P03 1120 10    showing no disappointment that they hadn't been the
P03 1130  8    son he wanted, saying, "You don't see triplets trippin'
P03 1140  6    down the pike ever' day, Miss Jen, hon. Rhyme 'em up
P03 1150  7    cute- Arcilla, Flotilla **h"
P03 1170  1       Edmonia for her mother, she said firmly, Jennifer,
P03 1170  9    for herself, and-
P03 1180  1       "Kezziah, for Miss Kizzie", he suggested. "She was
P03 1190  2    mighty good to you past times, an' this'll fetch her".
P03 1190 12    Now she must be thinking of a boy-name, something special.
P03 1200 11    Just wait till she saw the Mare's foal. Handsomest
P03 1210  7    colt in all Kentucky. Strong too, up on his legs when
P03 1220  7    he was an hour old. What about Royal Robards?
P03 1230  1       "Why don't you name him Jesus Christ!" She burst
P03 1240  3    into tears.
P03 1240  5       Roy was deeply distressed. He'd had no idea how
P03 1250  4    unhappy his sweet peach had been. Of course she wasn't
P03 1260  1    herself right now, but as her strength came back her
P03 1260 11    spirits didn't seem to rise with it. He had a good
P03 1270 10    idea why not. Those elegant "At Home" cards she sent
P03 1280  5    out, now she could wear her pretty clothes again, and
P03 1290  3    had the house all trimmed up, hadn't brought many callers
P03 1300  1    in two whole months.
P03 1300  5       Doc Dunne and Miss Sis had come. So had Miss Shawnee
P03 1310  4    Rakestraw, full of criticisms about the changes here,
P03 1320  1    giving thanks that her dear old father had gone to
P03 1320 11    his Heavenly Rest last year, saying how much she enjoyed
P03 1330  9    her boarding house in town in inclement weather, was
P03 1340  5    looking forward to Quinzaine Spa this summer.
P03 1350  1       There was an idea. Miss Kizzie had been right snippy
P03 1360  1    ever since they were married, though you'd have thought
P03 1360 10    a namesake would have brought her round. Oh, she'd
P03 1370  7    come to see them once, left silver teething rings for
P03 1380  4    all of the trips. But when Miss Jen went over right
P03 1390  2    away to return the call, Miss Kiz couldn't have been
P03 1390 12    very cordial, for she'd come back before she hardly
P03 1400  9    had time to get there. More and more, these days, she'd
P03 1410  7    been driving that pretty little mare that looked like
P03 1420  5    her, over to Tillie's and Nick's- his own old square
P03 1430  3    frame box on posts, chickens and cats and pups under
P03 1430 13    the house, everybody friendly inside, making a to-do
P03 1440  9    over the babies dressed like dollies. Though he was
P03 1450  6    glad she got on well with his young folks, she ought
P03 1460  3    to be welcome at the finest house in the land, too.
P03 1460 14       It made him pretty hot under the collar, after the
P03 1470 11    idea Miss Sis had given him, to be told by Miss Kiz
P03 1480 10    that her holy spa was all reserved for this summer
P03 1490  4    and next, if you please, and that much as she regretted
P03 1500  3    it, they would be unable to entertain Mrs& Robards
P03 1500 12    and the children. She hoped they were well.
P03 1510  8       He didn't tell Miss Jen, but she must have got word
P03 1520  8    from the cook or nurse, who of course knew those Quinzaine
P03 1530  4    nigs, and she really took a fit. If he ever did such
P03 1540  3    a thing again she'd die of shame.
P03 1540 10       "Have a party an' leave 'em out, hon", he suggested.
P03 1550  9    "A swell party, send an invite to ever'body but them-
P03 1560  8    those folks you met at the Galt House, the ones I've
P03 1570  8    got to know in this new Jockey Club affair, the whole
P03 1580  5    dang neighborhood. We'll have oystchers- couple bar'l
P03 1590  3    oystchers'll fetch in a crowd any time. I'll see word
P03 1600  2    gets round".
P03 1600  4       "Don't you dare!"
P03 1600  7       Miss Jen was funny that way, funny that she didn't
P03 1610  8    seem to take to his ideas and perk up. He was downright
P03 1620  6    worried about her, but there was one more thing he
P03 1630  3    could try **h.
P03 1630  6       Zion was surprised when Roy's buggy stopped beside
P03 1640  3    her on the pike one early summer day as she was walking
P03 1660  1    home from the country school where she was teaching
P03 1660 10    now that Eph Showers had had a call to preach in some
P03 1670  9    mountain town.
P03 1670 11       Roy smiled- he did have a nice smile- took off his
P03 1680 12    hat most politely, told her to hop in, and he'd give
P03 1690  9    her a lift to Quinzaine. Her hesitation was only momentary
P03 1700  4    and she hoped he didn't notice it, as she settled herself,
P03 1710  3    asked quickly how Miss Jenny and the babies were getting
P03 1720  2    on.
P03 1720  3       "See for yourself, Miss Zion. It won't take a minute".
P03 1730  3    He swung in through his own wide gateway. "Them's the
P03 1740  2    purtiest babes you ever did see, but Miss Jen gets
P03 1740 12    mighty lonesome. She'll relish the sight of a friendly
P03 1750  8    face. Miss Kiz won't care your comin', will she"?
P03 1760  6       "Why of course not", Zion said uncomfortably.
P04 0010  1       "He must have forgiven me", Henrietta murmured to
P04 0010  9    the room. The absolution of Doaty's last will and testament
P04 0020  9    was proof enough of that; Doaty would never have left
P04 0030  8    her house to a godless woman.
P04 0040  1       She found herself wishing an old wish, that she
P04 0040 10    had told Doaty she was running away, that she had left
P04 0050  9    something more behind her than the loving, sorry note
P04 0060  6    and her best garnet pin. Perhaps Doaty had guessed
P04 0070  3    already and kept her counsel.
P04 0070  8       Henrietta thought, It's extraordinary how much she
P04 0080  5    always knew about both of us. There had been more to
P04 0090  5    know about Hetty, inevitably, and most of it unfavorable.
P04 0100  1    Adelia was the good one, or, if not always good, less
P04 0100 12    frequently tempted. Their childhood would have been
P04 0110  7    quite circumspect without Hetty's flair for drama,
P04 0120  5    especially through the long summers. In winter, in
P04 0130  3    the city, there had been the Maneret School, which
P04 0130 12    taught excellently with a kind of austere passion for
P04 0140  9    knowledge; there had been lessons in French from a
P04 0150  7    small Polish nobleman with a really profound distaste
P04 0160  3    for his pupils; there had been the dancing class- Miss
P04 0170  4    Craddock, thin and tireless, with her supervising wand
P04 0170 12    and her everlasting one-two-three, one-two-three. There
P04 0180  9    had been supper parties and teas, fetes and little
P04 0190  7    balls, Mama small and pretty and gay and Papa enormously
P04 0200  6    jocular, enormously possessive, the sun around which
P04 0210  2    the Blackwell planets revolved.
P04 0210  6       Mama had died before the corruption of the family
P04 0220  6    circle, the interruption of Charles. It was safe to
P04 0230  5    assume that Papa, sighing heavily, had said many times
P04 0240  1    to his remaining daughter, "Thank God your poor mother
P04 0240 10    was spared this", and indeed it might be true that
P04 0250  9    it had been easier for Henrietta to leave, with her
P04 0260  5    hand in Charles' hand, just because her "poor mother"
P04 0270  2    was gone already and would never know. Mama was vulnerable;
P04 0280  1    one had always felt the need to make a safe world around
P04 0280 13    her.
P04 0290  1       But I would have gone anyway, thought Henrietta.
P04 0290  9    She had always been able to ignore the moral question
P04 0300  8    because there had been no choice. Only at this moment-
P04 0310  6    perhaps because it was before dawn and she was lying
P04 0320  4    in Doaty's bed- she found herself examining how others
P04 0330  1    might regard her. Perhaps they would argue that morality
P04 0330 10    consisted just of that ability to see a choice.
P04 0340  9       She turned on her side, finding the idea oppressive.
P04 0350  5    If Adelia had felt about someone as Henrietta felt
P04 0360  3    about Charles, would she have run away with him?
P04 0370  1       Impossible to imagine Adelia feeling so about anyone.
P04 0370  9    No temptation, no sin.
P04 0380  3       No temptation, no virtue?
P04 0380  7       A curious thought to end a curious night. The birds
P04 0390  9    were really awake now in a colloquy of music, and light
P04 0400  6    was beginning to creep across the room, touching sill
P04 0410  3    and door, table and chair and all of Doaty's flowers
P04 0420  1    in their artificial blossom and leaf.
P04 0420  7       Before anything else, she would go to Doaty's grave
P04 0430  6    with flowers from Doaty's forgotten garden. Everything
P04 0440  3    must wait upon this mission, this sentimental duty
P04 0450  1    of a pilgrim whose nature avoided graveyards. She closed
P04 0450 10    her eyes, remembering the small French cemetery, enclosed
P04 0460  6    by stone walls. It had always seemed to rain there,
P04 0470  6    and even the grass was gray.
P04 0470 12       After the sad impatient moment, waiting for comfort
P04 0480  8    which could not come, she slipped out of bed and went
P04 0490  8    to the open window. The garden below was lacy with
P04 0500  4    dew and enchanting in its small wildness. Leaning out,
P04 0520  1    she could see a tangle of rosebush and honeysuckle,
P04 0520 10    one not quite come to bloom, one just beyond it. On
P04 0530  8    a thrusting spray thick with thorns and dewdrops and
P04 0540  4    swelling pink buds, like a summer Valentine, a bird
P04 0550  1    balanced and sang, nondescriptly brown and alive with
P04 0550  9    its own music, a little engine of song.
P04 0560  6       It was so pretty and artless that she felt like
P04 0570  4    a child again and would have enjoyed running out barefoot
P04 0580  1    to play on the wet grass with all the growing things,
P04 0580 12    but Doaty never permitted bare feet and she was decidedly
P04 0590  8    not a child but une femme d'un certain age. Feeling
P04 0600  5    suddenly neat and subdued, she dressed quite soberly
P04 0610  3    and went downstairs.
P04 0610  6       Rosa, unbelievably, was not yet up and about, reassurance
P04 0620  7    that Rosa was human. Feeling protective toward this
P04 0630  3    sleeping being, Henrietta found a yesterday bun and
P04 0640  1    milk in a white jug, a breakfast which was somewhat
P04 0640 11    the equivalent of going barefoot.
P04 0650  3       Outside, the garden, the tame wilderness, yielded
P04 0660  1    a patchwork bouquet of daisies, sweet william, scented
P04 0660  9    stock and lady's bedstraw, which she tied with long
P04 0670  7    grasses and took back to show Rosa, who was now stirring
P04 0680  6    about the kitchen and haranguing Folly. The poodle
P04 0690  3    came gleefully to Henrietta and begged for the flowers,
P04 0700  1    supplicating the air with prayerful forepaws.
P04 0700  7       Henrietta held her bouquet out of reach and said
P04 0710  8    it was for Doaty. "Rummaging in the dew", said Rosa
P04 0720  5    coldly. "Go change your shoes before you turn around".
P04 0730  2    She sounded so exactly like Doaty that Henrietta obeyed
P04 0740  1    her under the clear impression that she could either
P04 0740 10    comply or stay home. Folly danced, eager for whatever
P04 0750  7    lay beyond the door.
P04 0750 11       To a Blackwell, there was only one church. The cemetery
P04 0760 10    slumbered just behind it, and the way lay through the
P04 0770  9    village and close to the sea. For the first time in
P04 0780  6    thirty years, Henrietta walked down the narrow street
P04 0790  2    with its shuttered shops just stirring and its inhabitants
P04 0790 11    eying her with the frankest curiosity. She smiled and
P04 0800  9    bowed, recalling the princess-in-a-carriage feeling
P04 0810  7    she had enjoyed when she was a child. Now, some of
P04 0820  4    the acknowledgments were cautious, but all were interested.
P04 0830  1       An old man, sitting against the wall of a cottage
P04 0830 11    and waiting for the sun to find him, gave her a more
P04 0840 12    than reflective look as she passed, the sap still plainly
P04 0850  8    rising in his branches. On an impulse, she turned back
P04 0860  4    and said good morning.
P04 0860  8       He cupped his ear and shook his head at her repetition,
P04 0870  8    announcing in a nettled way that he had heard her the
P04 0880  6    first time. He then offered his own estimate of the
P04 0890  3    weather, which was unenthusiastic. "Summer's been slow
P04 0890 10    to come", he said. "It's my dryin' out time". He scowled
P04 0900 11    at her flowers.
P04 0910  2       "I'm taking them to the cemetery", said Henrietta,
P04 0920  1    out of a vague feeling of hospitality.
P04 0920  8       "They'll be takin' me next", he said pleasantly,
P04 0930  7    "but not so soon's they plan. See half of 'em in their
P04 0940  8    graves before I choose my own coffin. It's dryin' myself
P04 0950  4    out that does it". He regarded her with rising hope.
P04 0960  3    "You'd like to hear how I go about it".
P04 0970  1       "It's nice of you", Henrietta said doubtfully.
P04 0970  7       "Y're welcome". He straightened himself, soldierly
P04 0980  6    against the wall, and pulled his sprawled feet together
P04 0990  6    so they stood side by side in their old boots. His
P04 1000  4    stick ceased to be a thing to rest his chin on and
P04 1000 16    became a pointer for emphasizing the finer aspects
P04 1010  8    of his text. "Every month, f'r three days", he said
P04 1030  7    happily, "I take no water into my system, no water
P04 1040  5    whatsoever. It rests the tissues".
P04 1040 10       Henrietta murmured that she could quite see how
P04 1050  8    it would, and he nodded approval of her womanly good
P04 1060  5    sense. "Rests the tissues", he said, "and pacifies
P04 1070  2    the system. My dad did it, and he lived to a great
P04 1070 14    age". He looked up at her sharply. "Don't remember,
P04 1080  9    do you"?
P04 1090  1       She did suddenly, through the link of memory with
P04 1090 10    his father, old Titus, who must have been in his nineties
P04 1100 10    when Henrietta ran away. Next to the Blackwells, Titus
P04 1110  6    had owned the island most, and she and Adelia had often
P04 1120  5    stood in front of him, silenced by his terrible years-
P04 1130  1    a scanty man with a thin beard and very deep-set blue
P04 1130 13    eyes like a mariner, more aged than possible. He had
P04 1140  9    never spoken once to the awed sisters, but his son
P04 1150  6    had been friendly, a big fellow of fifty or more, a
P04 1160  4    fishing-boat captain and powerful like the sea. It
P04 1160 13    must be that son who sat before her now, shriveled
P04 1170  9    to half his size and half his senses.
P04 1180  3       She said gently, "Of course I remember you".
P04 1190  1       "Not so well's I remember you", he said. "Y're the
P04 1200  1    young Blackwell woman. Ran away on a black night with
P04 1200 11    a lawful wedded man. I know all about you".
P04 1210  7       "You do seem to", said Henrietta, impressed.
P04 1220  3       "Can't blame a man for leavin' his wife", he said
P04 1230  4    quite cheerfully. "Left mine many a time, only she
P04 1240  1    never knew it. Man in a boat, there's a lot of places
P04 1240 13    he can put in at and a lot of reasons he can be away
P04 1250 12    for a bit. Any harm in that"?
P04 1260  1       "Probably", said Henrietta dryly.
P04 1260  5       He gave a short hard laugh and looked at her knowingly.
P04 1270 10    "You'd be the one to say", he observed, and she found
P04 1280  8    herself liking his approval none too well, but she
P04 1290  5    could not defend herself and say that her actions were
P04 1300  2    "different", since all actions had their own laws.
P04 1300 10    Only, this old man's connivance was even less to her
P04 1310  9    taste than Selma Cotter's open censure. Well, she had
P04 1320  6    not come back to Great Island to be understood, praised
P04 1330  4    or condemned. She had come to make her peace with the
P04 1340  3    past, and of that past this ancient of the earth was
P04 1340 14    only a kind of shadow.
P04 1350  3       She started to move away, just as a woman came out
P04 1360  1    of the cottage, a big-boned, drab-haired figure with
P04 1360 11    a clean apron tied over her limp print dress. She smiled
P04 1370  9    vaguely at Henrietta and spoke to the old man. "You've
P04 1380  7    not had your breakfast yet, gran'dad".
P04 1390  1       "Y'r dam' porridge is no breakfast", he said. "Milk
P04 1400  2    and sops"! He beat the air with his stick, and it fell
P04 1400 14    from his claws and clattered on the stones.
P04 1410  8       "He's owly today", his grand-daughter said wearily,
P04 1420  6    and bent to pick it up. "He's got this idea about drying
P04 1430  6    out **h"
P04 1430  8       "It ain't an idea"!
P04 1440  1       "If it ain't an idea", she said, "how comes it you
P04 1450  2    can drink beer but not water"?
P04 1450  8       He looked piously to heaven and said, "Beer don't
P04 1460  5    affect the tissues none", and the ingenious hypocrisy
P04 1470  2    of this defense pleased Henrietta so that she forgave
P04 1480  1    him his stint of malevolence.
P04 1490  4       His grand-daughter sighed. "Come on, do. The children
P04 1500  5    are eating, and Miss Blackwell's on her way somewheres".
P04 1510  2       "To the graveyard. Who ain't"?
P04 1520  1       "Not me. I've got a day's work to do.- You'll be
P04 1520 12    visiting Miss Doaty, ma'am"?
P04 1530  4       Henrietta nodded. How much they knew about her!
P04 1540  4       The woman (she must have been a tiny baby when Hetty
P04 1550  2    and Delia had stood arm in arm, watching great age
P04 1550 12    grow small) answered the nod with her own. "God rest
P04 1560  9    her soul, she was a sweet one. Come on now". She put
P04 1570  7    a strong hand under the old man's arm and lifted him
P04 1580  5    up, patiently, with the gentle cruelty and necessary
P04 1590  1    tyranny that the young show toward the very old. He
P04 1590 11    mumbled at her but let himself be led off inside the
P04 1600  9    house, shuffling mightily to make it clear how weak
P04 1610  5    and aged he was and how he was buffeted about by those
P04 1620  2    who still had their wicked strength.
P04 1620  8       There was a gabble of voices from indoors, young
P04 1630  6    hungry sounds like cats after fish, and a burst of
P04 1640  4    swearing from the old man. Henrietta looked down at
P04 1640 13    her bouquet, still lively with its color and scent,
P04 1650  9    and set her feet on their journey's way again, leaving
P04 1660  5    the village street and crossing the first field, Folly
P04 1670  4    dancing ahead of her.
P04 1670  8       At the edge of the field, the wild rolling land
P04 1680  6    took over, dotted with fat round bushes like sheep.
P04 1690  2    They were covered with tiny white blossoms, their scant
P04 1690 11    roots clawing at the stony ground, and wild birds darted
P04 1700 10    in and about and through them so they were nearly alive
P04 1710  8    with the rustle and cry.
P04 1720  1       The air was full of sounds too but placid ones,
P04 1720 11    a terrestrial humming as much out of the earth as out
P04 1730  9    of the blue sky. She felt mindless, walking, and almost
P04 1740  4    easy until the church spire told her she was near the
P04 1750  2    cemetery, and she caught herself wondering what she
P04 1750 10    would say to Doaty.
P04 1760  2       Both church and graveyard were smaller than she
P04 1760 10    remembered them (how many things had lessened while
P04 1770  8    she was gone away) but the headstones had grown so
P04 1780  6    thick in thirty years that to find one named "Dorothy
P04 1790  2    Tredding" seemed suddenly impossible.
P04 1790  6       She sat down on the nearest, fallen with age and
P04 1800  9    gray with sea-damp, her fingers tracing the indecipherable
P04 1810  4    carved letters padded with green moss. The day's sun
P04 1820  4    was gathering its strength in gold, and she wished
P04 1830  1    she had brought her parasol, if only to shade Doaty's
P04 1830 11    flowers. A small, rock-carved angel watched her from
P04 1840  7    a nearby tomb, the only angel in the cemetery.
P04 1850  4       She remembered, suddenly, a night of savage moonlight
P04 1860  2    and scudding clouds when she and Adelia, having dared
P04 1860 11    each other, had stolen out of their great safe house
P04 1870 10    and come here, hand in hand, hoping and fearing ghosts.
P05 0010  1       The Momoyama family had come from Miyagi Prefecture,
P05 0010  9    in the northeast of the main Japanese island of Honshu,
P05 0020  9    where there are still traces of the mysterious Ainu
P05 0030  6    strain. The Ainus were a primitive people, already
P05 0040  3    living on the island before the principal ancestors
P05 0050  1    of the Japanese came from Southern Asia. Apparently
P05 0050  9    they were of Caucasian blood. They had white skins
P05 0060  6    and blue eyes; all their men were bearded, and many
P05 0070  5    of their women were beautiful. A pitiful few of them
P05 0080  2    are left now, to subsist mainly on the tourist trade
P05 0080 12    and to sing their ancient tribal chants, which have
P05 0090  7    the same haunting sadness as the laments of the American
P05 0100  6    Indians. Most of them have been assimilated, but sometimes
P05 0110  3    a man in Miyagi or Akita prefectures is much more hairy
P05 0120  2    than the average Japanese, and occasionally a girl
P05 0120 10    will be strikingly lovely, her coloring warmed and
P05 0130  6    improved by a little of the tawny honey-in-the-sun
P05 0140  6    tint of the invaders from the South.
P05 0140 13       Tommy Momoyama was one of these fortunate occasions.
P05 0150  8    She was taller than most Japanese girls, and had the
P05 0160  7    exquisitely willowy form of the Japanese girl who is
P05 0170  5    lucky enough to be tall. Her nose was higher of bridge,
P05 0180  2    her complexion so pale as to be quite susceptible to
P05 0180 12    sunburn, and the fish and vegetable diet of her forebears
P05 0190 10    had given her teeth that were white and regular and
P05 0200  7    strong. Her mouth, soft and full, was something for
P05 0210  3    any man to dream about. She had black eyes, long and
P05 0220  1    intriguingly tilted, and the way she walked was melody.
P05 0220 10       She had been in Japan just one week. It was an alien
P05 0230 11    land, and she hated it intensely; she was already considering
P05 0240  6    putting in rebellious requests for duty at San Diego,
P05 0250  6    Bremerton, the Great Lakes, Pensacola- any place the
P05 0270  6    Navy had a hospital- with a threat to resign her commission
P05 0280  1    if the request were not granted. Anywhere would be
P05 0280 10    better than the land of her ancestors.
P05 0290  6       There was nothing wrong with her job. Tommy had
P05 0300  4    been assigned to the psychopathic ward. There were
P05 0310  1    no depressingly serious cases: the ward doctor sometimes
P05 0310  9    teamed up with the chaplain to serve as a marriage
P05 0320  8    counselor- sometimes the Navy sent people back to the
P05 0330  6    States to preserve a marriage- but mental health as
P05 0340  3    a rule was very high. At present the doctor's main
P05 0340 13    concern was in seeing to it that Japanese salvage firms
P05 0350 10    were not permitted to operate on the hulks of warships
P05 0360  8    sunk too close inshore, because the work involved setting
P05 0370  5    off nerve-shattering blasts at all hours. Tommy was
P05 0380  2    interested in psychiatry, because there was much an
P05 0380 10    understanding nurse could do to help the patients.
P05 0390  8       But she suffered in her off-duty hours. Such as
P05 0400  6    now, when she sat at a table in the coffee shop at
P05 0410  2    the Officers' Club, having coffee and a hamburger to
P05 0410 11    sustain her until dinnertime. She had changed into
P05 0420  8    a cocktail dress, and the whole evening should have
P05 0430  5    been before her, but already she was beginning to get
P05 0440  3    a tight feeling at the back of her neck. This was one
P05 0440 15    of the Navy's crossroads- you find them all around
P05 0450  6    the world. Ships from the West Coast rotated on six-month
P05 0460  8    tours of duty with the Seventh Fleet, and Yokosuka
P05 0470  4    was the Seventh Fleet's principal port for maintenance,
P05 0480  2    upkeep and shore liberty. Sooner or later, all the
P05 0480 11    gray Navy ships came in here; if Tommy sat long enough,
P05 0490 11    she would be sure to see all the young officers she
P05 0500  8    had met in San Diego and Long Beach. And she wanted
P05 0510  5    desperately to see someone she had known back there.
P05 0520  2       She felt, rather than saw, the approach of the good-looking
P05 0530  1    young man. He came through from the Fleet Bar, which
P05 0530 11    was stag, with the ice cubes tinkling in a glass he
P05 0540 10    carried. When he saw Tommy sitting alone, the tinkling
P05 0550  5    sound stopped. He was perhaps a trifle tipsy, having
P05 0560  3    been long at sea where drinking is not permitted, and
P05 0560 13    consequently out of practice; he wore a brown tweed
P05 0570  9    sports jacket obviously tailored in Hong Kong, and
P05 0580  6    he was of an age that marked him as a lieutenant. Probably
P05 0590  4    off one of the carriers- an aviator. There was a fifty-fifty
P05 0600  5    chance, perhaps, that he would be unmarried, and an
P05 0610  1    even more slender chance that his approach would be
P05 0610 10    different. Japan did something to a man- and it wasn't
P05 0620  9    just Japan, either, because the same thing applied
P05 0630  5    anywhere overseas. It was as if foreign duty implied
P05 0640  2    and excused license; it intimated that the folks at
P05 0640 11    home would never know about it, and, therefore, why
P05 0650  8    not?
P05 0650  9       Then the young man in the brown sports jacket spoke,
P05 0660  8    and it was no different.
P05 0670  1       "Harro, girl-san"! he said, turning on what was
P05 0670 10    meant to be charm. "You catchee boy-furiendo? Maybe
P05 0680  7    you likee date with me"?
P05 0690  1       "I beg your pardon"! Tommy said out of her cold
P05 0691  1    rage. "I don't believe I know you, and I can't understand
P05 0700 11    your quaint brand of English- it was meant to be English,
P05 0710 11    wasn't it"?
P05 0720  2       The nice-looking young officer fell back on his
P05 0720 11    heels, open-mouthed and blushing. At least, he had
P05 0730  9    the decency to blush, she thought.
P05 0740  3       "Oh- I'm sorry! You see, I thought- I mean I really
P05 0750  5    had no idea"-
P05 0750  8       "Oh, yes- you had ideas"! Tommy interrupted furiously.
P05 0760  4    "All wrong ones"! Then she jerked her thumb toward
P05 0770  5    the door in a very American gesture, and dropped into
P05 0780  2    Navy slang. "Take off, fly-boy"!
P05 0780  8       "Uh- sorry"! he muttered, and took off, obviously
P05 0790  8    feeling like a fool. The trouble was that there was
P05 0800  7    no lasting satisfaction in this for Tommy. She felt
P05 0810  3    like a fool, too.
P05 0810  7       It hadn't been this way in college, or in nurses'
P05 0820  5    training; it wasn't this way in the hospital at San
P05 0830  3    Diego. Everybody had accepted her for what she was-
P05 0830 12    a very charming girl. Nobody had addressed her in broken
P05 0840 10    English at any of those places, nobody had suggested
P05 0850  7    that she wasn't American. There are Spanish girls who
P05 0860  6    look like Tommy Momoyama, brunettes with a Moorish
P05 0870  3    hint of the Orient in their faces; there are beauties
P05 0880  1    from the Balkan states who are similarly endowed, and-
P05 0880 10    back in the blessed United States- they were regarded
P05 0890  7    simply as pretty women. Now, having been sent halfway
P05 0900  6    around the world on a job she had not asked for, Tommy
P05 0910  4    was being humiliated at every turn.
P05 0910 10       She looked around, self-consciously. Four little
P05 0920  6    Japanese waitresses were murdering the English language
P05 0930  4    at the counter- Yuki Kobayashi happened to be one of
P05 0940  5    them. Everybody but Tommy seemed to think it was charming
P05 0950  1    when they called, "Bifutek-san"! for a steak sandwich,
P05 0950 10    or "Kohi futotsu"! for one cup of coffee. Two other
P05 0960 10    Japanese girls were sitting at the tables, both quite
P05 0970  8    pretty and well groomed. One was with a whitehaired
P05 0980  5    and doting lieutenant commander; the other was with
P05 0990  3    her American husband and their exceptionally appealing
P05 0990 10    children. Seeing these did nothing for Tommy's mood.
P05 1000  8    She told herself rebelliously, and with pride, I am
P05 1010  7    an American!
P05 1010  9       And so she was, and would remain. But she was learning
P05 1020 11    that so long as she was in this country, and wore civilian
P05 1030  8    dress in the Club, there would always be transient
P05 1040  4    young men who would approach her with broken English.
P05 1050  1    There had been occasions when some of the more experienced
P05 1050 11    had even addressed her in what might have been perfectly
P05 1060 10    good Japanese. Tommy wouldn't know; after coming to
P05 1070  7    America, her parents had spoken only English.
P05 1080  3       One thing was becoming increasingly sure. She had
P05 1090  3    been sent to the wrong place for duty. There was more
P05 1090 14    to service in the Navy Nurse Corps than the hours in
P05 1100 10    the ward. One had to have friends, and a congenial
P05 1110  7    life in after-duty hours **h.
P05 1120  1       Now there was raucous male singing from the Fleet
P05 1120 10    Bar. It was terribly off key, and poorly done, and
P05 1130  7    Tommy could never admit to herself that male companionship
P05 1140  4    was a very natural and important thing, but all at
P05 1150  2    once she felt lonesome and put-upon. She finished her
P05 1150 12    hamburger and drank her coffee and paid her check;
P05 1160  9    she got out of the coffee shop before the incident
P05 1170  5    could be repeated. Eating while angry had given her
P05 1180  2    a slight indigestion. Back in her living quarters at
P05 1180 11    the hospital she took bicarbonate of soda, and sulked.
P05 1190  8       Then, after a while, she went to her mirror. It
P05 1200  7    was all true. She certainly looked Japanese, and perhaps
P05 1210  4    she could not really blame the young men. And, still,
P05 1220  2    they did not have to be so crude in their approach
P05 1220 13    **h.
P05 1230  1       There was a letter to write to her mother, and she
P05 1230 11    tried to make its tone cheerful. She promised that
P05 1240  6    she would soon take a few day's leave and visit the
P05 1250  4    uncle she had never seen, on the island of Oyajima-
P05 1260  3    which was not very far from Yokusuka. And tomorrow
P05 1260 12    she would take time to shop for the kimono her mother
P05 1270  9    wanted to present to the young wife of a faculty member
P05 1280  6    as a hostess gown.
P05 1280 10       Tommy, of course, had never heard of a kotowaza,
P05 1290  7    or Japanese proverb, which says, "Tanin yori miuchi",
P05 1300  3    and is literally translated as "Relatives are better
P05 1310  2    than strangers".
P05 1310  4       Actually, this is only another way of saying that
P05 1320  4    blood is thicker than water.
P05 1320  9    #/2,#
P05 1320 10    Doc Doolittle's scheduled appearance at captain's mast
P05 1330  6    was a very unusual thing, because the discipline dispensed
P05 1340  5    there is ordinarily for the young and immature, and
P05 1360  4    a chief is naturally expected to stay off the report.
P05 1370  1    But the beer hall riot in Subic had been unusual, too,
P05 1370 12    and Walt Perry was convinced that Doc had started it
P05 1380  8    through some expert tactics in rabble rousing. Just
P05 1390  5    why anybody should wish to start a riot the executive
P05 1400  2    officer didn't know. In his opinion, Doc had not grown
P05 1410  1    up.
P05 1410  2       The lieutenant was not entirely wrong in the belief.
P05 1410 11    There had never been a good reason for Doc Doolittle
P05 1420 10    to grow up. He had come into the Navy too young, with
P05 1430  8    the image of the fun-loving Guns Appleby before him.
P05 1440  4    The war found him much too early, and its perils- and
P05 1450  4    especially its awful boredom- were best forgotten in
P05 1450 12    horseplay and elaborate practical jokes, and even now
P05 1460  8    Doc had never found any stabilizing, sobering influence.
P05 1470  5    He remained young at heart, with an overdeveloped sense
P05 1480  4    of humor. He wisecracked about the captain's indoctrination
P05 1490  2    of new men, took great delight in slaughtering cockroaches
P05 1500  1    with ethyl chloride, and gave no thought for tomorrow.
P05 1500 10    He was doing thirty years, and the Navy would take
P05 1510  8    care of him. The job security enjoyed by Doc Doolittle,
P05 1520  5    and nearly all members of the Armed Forces, is a wonderful
P05 1530  5    thing. Actually, all a man in uniform has to do is
P05 1540  3    to get by. He may not rise to the heights, but he can
P05 1540 16    get by, and eventually be retired.
P05 1550  4       Doc had been under restriction to the ship since
P05 1560  3    the Bustard left Subic. This deprived him of liberty
P05 1570  1    in Hong Kong, but he told Boats McCafferty that Hong
P05 1570 11    Kong was a book he had read before, and the Navy would
P05 1580 11    always bring him there again, some day. At Yokosuka
P05 1590  6    he was restricted to the confines of the Base because
P05 1600  4    Walt Perry, being thoughtful, knew that Doc might have
P05 1610  2    to draw some medical supplies from the hospital or
P05 1610 11    the Supply Base. This gave Doc the whole range of the
P05 1620 10    naval establishment, and suited him quite well. There
P05 1630  6    were two things he wanted to do: inspect one of the
P05 1640  4    many caves that had been dug into the hills on the
P05 1640 15    Naval Base, and visit an old shipmate.
P05 1650  7       A telephone line had been hooked up to connect the
P05 1660  6    ship with the Base exchange. After supper, Doc called
P05 1670  3    Whitey Gresham, who was now a lieutenant and had a
P05 1670 13    family.
P05 1680  1       "Well, Doc, you old sonofabitch"! Whitey exclaimed,
P05 1690  1    with true affection. "Come over and have a drink. We
P05 1690 11    live down by the Base commissary. Grab a taxi".
P05 1700  7       "I'll be there, but I'll walk", Doc said. "I've
P05 1710  6    got to run an errand on the way. See you in about an
P05 1720  7    hour".
P05 1720  8       He threw a smart salute at the gangway, went up
P05 1730  5    the dock, and turned down the wide street in front
P05 1740  1    of the Petty Officers' Club.
P06 0010  1       How, he wondered, does one enjoy one's spare time?
P06 0010 10    He considered some interesting excursion but he was
P06 0020  7    on the road every day from dawn to dusk. Then there
P06 0030  6    was exercise, boating and hiking, which was not only
P06 0040  3    good for you but also made you more virile: the thought
P06 0050  1    of strenuous activity left him exhausted. Perhaps golf,
P06 0050  9    with a fashionable companion- but he'd lost his clubs,
P06 0060  6    hadn't played in years. There was swimming over at
P06 0070  6    the Riverside Hotel, but his skin was so white he looked
P06 0080  5    like the bottom of a frog. Perhaps a packing trip into
P06 0090  2    the Sierras, let his beard grow- but that was too stark.
P06 0090 13    I could, he thought, take a long walk- but where?
P06 0100  9       The telephone rang.
P06 0110  2       "You missed it", Buzz's voice said, "You should
P06 0120  1    have gone over to the Pagan Room with us. Wow. Strippers,
P06 0120 12    but scrumptious, and Toodle Williams and her all-lesbian
P06 0130  9    band".
P06 0140  1       "Hi, Buzz", Owen said. "I went over to the Willows
P06 0140 11    and dropped two notes".
P06 0150  3       "Tough", Buzz said, "Listen, we're having a stag
P06 0160  4    dinner over at the Pagan Room on Friday. Imagine a
P06 0170  2    stag dinner with Toodle Williams". He laughed and laughed.
P06 0180  1       Owen wanted to be pleasant because Buzz worked the
P06 0180 10    territory next to his, but he hadn't come to Reno for
P06 0190 10    stag dinners. "Thanks", Owen said, "but Friday is a
P06 0200  7    long way off and anything can happen".
P06 0210  1       Buzz was a tireless instigator who never let his
P06 0210 10    victims rest. When Owen was finally rid of him, there
P06 0220 10    was a timid rap at the door.
P06 0230  2       "Yes", Owen called out. "Yes"?
P06 0230  7       "I'm Mrs& Gertrude Parker", a soft voice explained,
P06 0240  8    "And I'd like to talk to you for a few minutes, please".
P06 0250 11       Ahah, he thought, a lush divorcee at last. Probably
P06 0260  8    saw me in the lobby. He was disappointed to find a
P06 0270  6    nervous, scrawny woman with a big hat standing at the
P06 0280  3    door. She frowned at his green pajamas with the yellow
P06 0280 13    moons.
P06 0290  1       "How do you do"? she said, semi-professionally.
P06 0290  9    "Our church is sponsoring a group of very courageous
P06 0300  9    women up in Alaska. We call them lay-sisters and they
P06 0310  8    go among the Eskimos making friends and bringing the
P06 0320  4    light. They're up there in that freezing climate and
P06 0330  2    all of us have to try and help them".
P06 0330 11       "Oh"?
P06 0340  1       "You see", she said, looking past him into the room,
P06 0340 11    where the highball glasses sparkled dully in the bright
P06 0350  9    light, "you and I can't understand the many hardships
P06 0360  6    they have to undergo".
P06 0370  1       "Why is that"?
P06 0370  3       She apparently wasn't satisfied with his reaction.
P06 0380  3    Smug, Owen thought, smug and sappy. There was a slight
P06 0390  1    nervous twitch in the region of her left eye. It gave
P06 0390 12    her a lewd, winking effect.
P06 0400  2       "Have you ever tried to reason with an Eskimo"?
P06 0410  1    she asked, winking wildly. "They are a very difficult
P06 0410 10    group of people".
P06 0420  3       "I don't know much about them", Owen admitted, "but
P06 0430  2    I suppose they have their own religion and they probably
P06 0440  1    resent outsiders coming in and telling them what to
P06 0440 10    do and what not to do".
P06 0450  3       She smiled in a sickly-tolerant fashion. "You know,
P06 0460  1    that's very interesting. People don't know how much
P06 0460  9    they give away about themselves by remarks like that.
P06 0470  8    The more canvassing I do, the more I note how far most
P06 0480  8    people are from their personal God".
P06 0490  1       Forebearing, Owen kept his peace. What would happen
P06 0490  9    next? That she was out for a touch was certain, but
P06 0500 11    when did she get to the pitch? Several people passed
P06 0510  5    in the hall and stared as he slowly retreated, trying
P06 0520  3    to close the door a little, and she slowly leaned toward
P06 0530  1    him and raised her voice.
P06 0530  6       "How did you get by the desk"? he asked curiously.
P06 0540  4    "I'm sure the hotel doesn't know you're wandering around
P06 0550  3    the corridors, knocking on strangers' doors and talking
P06 0560  2    down Eskimos".
P06 0560  4       "Oh, I just come once a week. Every day I visit
P06 0570  5    a different hotel. I feel it's my duty. I do this work
P06 0580  2    all on my own, because I understand the difficulties
P06 0580 11    and I want to help these lay-sisters. Do you know these
P06 0590 11    women go all through Alaska, and they don't have the
P06 0600  7    proper facilities? They travel in pairs as much as
P06 0610  6    a hundred-and-fifty miles a day".
P06 0610 13       "Do you have any idea how far I travel every day?
P06 0620 11    I have the whole Pacific Northwest". Owen was aware
P06 0630  5    he was getting overexcited but he couldn't help himself.
P06 0640  4       Mrs& gertrude Parker drew back. "That's hardly a
P06 0650  4    Christian approach", she remonstrated. "You're in the
P06 0660  3    secular world".
P06 0660  5       "I didn't say it was Christian. I don't think you'll
P06 0670  5    find many active Christian salesmen. Not that religion
P06 0680  4    isn't big business; those bibles and prayer books make
P06 0690  2    a lot of money for publishing houses, but they don't
P06 0690 12    get top personnel. Our key salesmen are in appliances
P06 0700  8    and cosmetics".
P06 0710  1       "God, I take it, plays no part in this", she said
P06 0710 12    waspishly.
P06 0720  1       "God doesn't have any appliance or cosmetics", he
P06 0720  9    said heatedly before he caught himself. It sounded
P06 0730  8    silly; why go on? More people were passing; he had
P06 0740  7    to find some way to close this impossible conversation.
P06 0750  2       "And whiskey", she said, smiling and blinking at
P06 0760  3    the highball glasses. "Don't forget whiskey; it's such
P06 0770  2    a big seller".
P06 0770  5       "You know", he said, getting a grip on himself,
P06 0780  3    "I think you're going to have to excuse me. I have
P06 0790  1    an appointment".
P06 0790  3       "I can imagine", she said. "Probably down at the
P06 0800  4    bar. But what do you want to do about the lay-sisters?
P06 0810  1    They must be freezing up there now. Can't you help
P06 0810 11    them"?
P06 0820  1       "Leave a card or something. I'll think it over".
P06 0830  1       "I have no card", she said bitterly. "You haven't
P06 0830  9    been listening to what I've been telling you. I only
P06 0840  9    hope my talking to you has helped you a little, anyway,
P06 0850  6    because you need spiritual bucking-up". She looked
P06 0860  3    crestfallen, as if he had somehow disappointed the
P06 0860 11    whole human race. She stood indecisively for a moment,
P06 0870  9    then walked down the hall; he heard her knocking on
P06 0880  8    another door.
P06 0880 10       It took him about fifteen minutes to calm himself;
P06 0890  7    then he realized he was hungry. He showered, shaved,
P06 0900  4    dressed and went down to the dining room for breakfast.
P06 0910  2    On the way he stopped at the desk to receive his mail.
P06 0910 14    There was a check from his company, and the usual enthusiastic
P06 0920 11    bulletins on new lines they always issued. His lawyer
P06 0930  9    had sent him a statement on his overdue alimony, and
P06 0940  6    there was a letter from the Collector of Internal Revenue
P06 0950  4    asking him to stop in his office and explain last year's
P06 0960  2    exemptions.
P06 0960  3       He ate breakfast in a sullen mood, but afterwards,
P06 0970  2    when he walked out onto Virginia Street, he felt braced.
P06 0980  1    He looked off to the crest of the Sierras, still white-topped;
P06 0980 13    the glisten of the Truckee River made a wide spangle.
P06 0990 10    He felt suddenly elated, adventurous. With any luck
P06 1000  6    at all he could easily find a flowerpot.
P06 1010  1       Although it was only three o'clock, he stopped in
P06 1020  1    at the Golden Calf. The tables were all spinning, the
P06 1020 11    dice rattling, the bar crowded. Just to test himself,
P06 1030  8    he played roulette for quarters on his old combination,
P06 1040  5    five and seventeen, and within an hour, he had won,
P06 1050  3    surprisingly, twenty dollars. The way was opening up;
P06 1050 11    when the management brought around champagne, the breakfast
P06 1060  8    settled its whirling around in his stomach.
P06 1070  6       The Golden Calf was dimly lit with shaded neon.
P06 1080  4    There were more women than men in the place, but he
P06 1090  2    couldn't find a flowerpot. They all had the hard look
P06 1090 12    of gamblers who had stopped dreaming, who automatically
P06 1100  7    turned the cards, hardly caring what showed up. The
P06 1110  6    mural around the wall depicted early settlers in covered
P06 1120  3    wagons, who appeared much more animated than the gamblers.
P06 1130  1    The women had a bright shining expectancy as they leaned
P06 1130 11    out from the wall and gazed splendidly into the distance,
P06 1140  9    while the men were stern but hopeful. All, of course,
P06 1150  7    except the Donner party who were bent on starving to
P06 1160  5    death.
P06 1160  6       "I wonder if they did eat each other at the end",
P06 1170  5    Owen mused.
P06 1170  7       He sat down next to a heavily-upholstered blonde,
P06 1180  2    but she was cleaned out in twenty minutes. She sighed
P06 1190  2    a dirty word and left. Owen was surprised to see Mrs&
P06 1190 13    Gertrude Parker playing the one-arm bandits that were
P06 1200  9    cunningly arranged by the entrance. She sat down and
P06 1210  8    played two slots at once, looking grim, as if bested
P06 1220  4    by mechanical devices, and Owen felt sorry for the
P06 1230  1    lay-sisters depending on her support.
P06 1230  7       A dried-up cowboy sat down next to him in the blonde's
P06 1240  7    place. He was a little more authentic than usual because
P06 1250  4    he smelled slightly of the stables. "What you need
P06 1260  2    is a steady martingale", the cowboy announced after
P06 1260 10    watching Owen play. "You can't build on your hit-and-miss
P06 1270 10    five-seventeen".
P06 1280  1       "What are you playing"? Owen asked.
P06 1280  7       "I'm just logging", the cowboy explained. "I keep
P06 1290  8    all these plays in this little black book, and I watch
P06 1300  7    over a twelve-hour period to find out what numbers
P06 1310  4    are repeating. But roulette's not my game. I'm always
P06 1320  1    trying to find a breaking table in blackjack. Incidentally,
P06 1320 10    I'm pretty famous in these parts: I'm called The Wrangler".
P06 1340  1       "Nice to know you. Don't you have to spend any time
P06 1340 12    on your ranch"?
P06 1350  2       "Well, of course I do. I'm with the Bar-~H, pushing
P06 1360  2    a horse called Sparky. He's my own horse, and what
P06 1370  1    I collect from him I use on blackjack. This Sparky
P06 1370 11    can rack and single-foot and he's the fastest thing
P06 1380  6    in Washoe County. I figure if I can get any kind of
P06 1390  7    publicity campaign going, I'll land him on ~TV- you
P06 1400  2    know, one of those favorite horses for some Western
P06 1400 11    hero. I once trained a horse for Hoot Gibson, but nothing
P06 1410 11    like Sparky. He's a pinto and he photographs wonderfully".
P06 1420  8       Five came up while Owen was listening to The Wrangler
P06 1430  9    and he neglected to play, a loss of ten dollars. This
P06 1440  8    proved conclusively that The Wrangler was a jinx, so
P06 1450  5    he walked on down to Hurrays, an even more glorified
P06 1460  1    gambling den than the Golden Calf. When he looked in
P06 1460 11    the back, Mrs& Gertrude Parker was marking keno cards.
P06 1470  8       His adventurous spirit had waned; he studied the
P06 1480  7    pistol exhibition that Hurrays featured as an added
P06 1490  5    attraction. He ogled a long redhead with green eyes,
P06 1500  2    but she was a shill with her money in front of her.
P06 1500 14    He had no great prejudice against shills; it just seemed
P06 1520  7    such a dry run.
P06 1530  1       There was no cash around; everyone was flipping
P06 1530  9    silver dollars. The management discreetly withdrew
P06 1540  4    the green stuff into the office and gave the customers
P06 1550  3    chips or checks or premium points. He read a special
P06 1560  1    announcement whereby Hurrays would feature a special
P06 1560  8    floorshow at three a&m& starring Adele (The Body) Brenner
P06 1570  7    and fourteen glamorous schoolgirls.
P06 1580  2       He wondered if he might bag a tourist, but they
P06 1590  2    looked frightened of him. He passed two brides, both
P06 1590 11    wearing orchids, and they made him feel a little sad.
P06 1600  9       Owen found Buzz watching chuck-a-luck. Buzz had
P06 1610  6    on a Hawaiian shirt and was carrying some sun-tan oil
P06 1620  4    and dark glasses. He was shorter and fatter than Owen,
P06 1630  1    who felt good standing next to him. "We're all going
P06 1630 11    over to Lake Tahoe and try our luck at Cal-Neva", Buzz
P06 1640 10    explained, still instigating. "We ran into a guy at
P06 1650  8    the Pagan Room who guarantees we can beat the wheel.
P06 1660  6    He started out as a stickman, then became a pit boss
P06 1670  2    until the Club found him crossroading. He was knocking
P06 1670 11    down checks at faro".
P06 1680  3       "I'm allergic to Tahoe", Owen explained. "Something
P06 1690  2    about the pollen".
P06 1690  5       "Well, okay", Buzz said. "We'll see you around later".
P06 1700  7       Owen went over to the crap table and the dice were
P06 1710  8    hot, but he couldn't pyramid with any consecutive success.
P06 1720  4       "How's your luck, honey"? A short platinum blonde
P06 1730  4    in a bursting sun-suit addressed him. She looked well-fed
P06 1740  3    and prosperous, but he didn't get the impression he
P06 1740 12    was being propositioned the way he'd been hoping.
P06 1750  7       "I haven't had any luck since I was a baby".
P06 1760  9       "Stake me", she said, "and let me at those dice.
P06 1770  7    I'll make them dance the tango. We'll get it in a hurry
P06 1780  6    and get it out".
P06 1780 10       "Let's have a drink and discuss a merger".
P06 1790  5       "If you go broke", she said, smiling up at him,
P06 1800  4    "I'll leave you".
P06 1800  7       "Sounds like real love", Owen said. "It sort of
P06 1810  7    brings a lump to my throat".
P06 1820  1       "My name's Gisele", the blonde said after she ordered
P06 1820 10    a Scotch. "Named after the ballet. My mother wanted
P06 1830  9    to call me Sylphide, but it sounded too affected".
P07 0010  1       Spencer said nothing.
P07 0010  4       "Is there any word you would like to offer in your
P07 0020  5    own defense"?
P07 0020  7       Spencer shook his head.
P07 0030  1       Alexander said, "Answer me properly, Spencer".
P07 0040  1       Spencer was quiet for a moment longer, then he said,
P07 0040 10    "There is nothing I want to say, Captain".
P07 0050  6       "Very well". Alexander walked away. Naval procedure,
P07 0060  4    he thought, had its moments of grim humor. Philip Spencer
P07 0070  3    had cold-bloodedly planned the murder of his captain,
P07 0080  1    yet it seemed in order to chide him for a lapse of
P07 0080 13    proper address.
P07 0090  1       During the morning hours, it became clear that the
P07 0090 10    arrest of Spencer was having no sobering effect upon
P07 0100  8    the men of the Somers. Those named in the Greek paper
P07 0110  7    were manufacturing reasons to steal aft under pretence
P07 0120  4    of some call of duty, so as to be near Spencer, watching
P07 0130  1    an opportunity to communicate with him. Hostile glances
P07 0130  9    were flashed at both Alexander and Gansevoort. The
P07 0140  8    two met in the Captain's cabin.
P07 0150  2       "What is the next step, Captain"?
P07 0160  1       "More arrests, I fear".
P07 0160  5       In your opinion, who is this E& Andrews on the 'certain'
P07 0170  5    list"?
P07 0170  6       "Cromwell, of course. He is the oldest and most
P07 0180  7    experienced of the lot. He saw the dangers, not the
P07 0190  3    glories of being identified as a mutineer. Somehow
P07 0190 11    he talked Spencer into letting him use another name".
P07 0200  9       There was a tap at the door and Oliver entered with
P07 0210 10    the word that Heiser wished to see the Captain.
P07 0220  5       "Have him come in".
P07 0220  9       Heiser, breathless and wild-eyed, brought the chilling
P07 0230  8    news that the handspikes, heavers and holystones had
P07 0240  5    been mysteriously removed from their customary places.
P07 0250  3       "And also, sir, two articles which were considered
P07 0260  1    souvenirs now must be regarded in another light entirely.
P07 0260 10    An African knife and battle-ax are at this moment being
P07 0270 11    sharpened by McKinley and Green. McKinley was overheard
P07 0280  6    to say that he would like to get the knife into Spencer's
P07 0290  7    possession and that"-
P07 0300  1       "Where did you gather all this information, Heiser?
P07 0300  8    Who reported to you the disappearance of handspikes
P07 0310  7    and heavers and who"-
P07 0320  1       He was interrupted by a crash from the deck and
P07 0320 11    sprang toward the ladder, with Gansevoort and Heiser
P07 0330  6    behind him. A glance revealed that the main topgallant
P07 0340  5    mast had been carried away. The aimless milling about
P07 0350  2    of what had been a well-trained, well-organized crew
P07 0350 12    struck Alexander with horror. He bellowed orders and
P07 0360  8    watched the alert response of some of his men and watched,
P07 0370  8    too, the way a dozen or more turned their heads questioningly
P07 0380  4    toward the shackled figure as though for further instruction.
P07 0390  3       Adrien Deslonde hastened to Alexander's side. "Small
P07 0400  3    violently jerked the weather-royal brace with full
P07 0410  1    intention to carry away the mast. I saw him myself
P07 0410 11    and it was done after consultation with Cromwell. I
P07 0420  5    swear it, sir".
P07 0420  8       And it was clear that Adrien was not mistaken, for
P07 0430  8    both Small and Cromwell took no step toward aiding
P07 0440  6    in the sending up of the new topgallant mast till Philip
P07 0450  3    Spencer had given the signal to obey. Then, with disappointment
P07 0460  1    evident upon their faces, they moved to the work. Alexander
P07 0470  1    guessed that they had planned confusion and turmoil,
P07 0470  9    thinking it the ideal climate in which to begin battle
P07 0480  8    and bloodshed. Their strategy was sound enough and,
P07 0490  5    he reasoned, had been defeated only by Philip Spencer's
P07 0500  2    unwillingness to sanction an idea he had not originated.
P07 0510  1       When the mast was raised, Alexander gave the order
P07 0510 10    for Small and Cromwell to be placed under arrest, and
P07 0520  9    now three figures in irons sprawled upon the open deck
P07 0530  6    and terror stalked the Somers.
P07 0540  1       Spencer's potential followers were openly sullen
P07 0540  7    and morose, missing muster without excuse, expressing
P07 0550  5    in ominous tones their displeasure at the prisoners
P07 0560  4    being kept in irons, communicating with the three by
P07 0570  2    glance and signal. One of the missing handspikes came
P07 0570 11    out of its hiding place after Midshipman Tillotson
P07 0580  6    had been insolently disobeyed by Seaman Wilson. Tillotson
P07 0590  5    had reported the man to Gansevoort and an hour later,
P07 0600  5    with back turned, had been attacked by Wilson, brandishing
P07 0610  1    the weapon. Wilson, shackled and snarling, was thrown
P07 0610  9    with the other prisoners and was soon joined by Green,
P07 0620  9    McKee and McKinley. Not a man on the brig, loyal or
P07 0630  9    villainous, could be unaffected by the sight of seven
P07 0640  5    men involved in the crime of mutiny.
P07 0640 12       In the tiny cabin, Alexander met with Gansevoort,
P07 0650  7    Heiser and Wales to speak and to listen. Three days
P07 0660  7    had passed since Spencer's arrest and each day had
P07 0670  5    brought new dangers, new fears.
P07 0670 10       Gansevoort said, "It requires an omniscient eye
P07 0680  6    to select those if any on whom we can now rely. To
P07 0690  5    have the Greek paper is not the great help that at
P07 0700  1    first flush it seemed. From actions aboard, it is easy
P07 0700 11    to guess that Spencer's boast of twenty staunch followers
P07 0710  7    was a modest estimate".
P07 0720  1       "Well", Heiser ventured, "why don't we hold an investigation
P07 0730  1    with questioning and"-
P07 0730  4       "That would be worse than useless", Alexander broke
P07 0740  5    in. "There is not space to hold or force to guard any
P07 0750  6    increased number of prisoners. Besides, suppose we
P07 0760  2    hold a court of inquiry, then what? Then we have informed
P07 0760 13    a large number of our crew that when they reach the
P07 0770 10    United States, they will be punished but that in the
P07 0780  7    meanwhile, they may run loose and are expected to perform
P07 0790  4    their jobs in good order. Mr& Heiser, does this sound
P07 0800  2    like a truly workable plan to you? Do you not think
P07 0800 13    these men might choose the black flag here and now"?
P07 0810  9       Wales said, "Of course they would. They are about
P07 0830  7    to do so at any moment as it is. All that is needed
P07 0840  6    is for one man to feel self-confident enough to take
P07 0850  2    the lead. As soon as that one man is appointed by himself
P07 0850 14    or the others or by a signal from Spencer, we are going
P07 0860 11    to be rushed. We are going to be rushed and murdered".
P07 0870  8       "That is extravagant language, Mr& Wales. We are
P07 0880  6    not going to be rushed and murdered", Alexander said.
P07 0890  3    "We are going to bring the Somers into New York harbor
P07 0900  3    safe and sound".
P07 0900  6       "Of course, I agree with the Captain", Gansevoort
P07 0910  4    said thoughtfully, "but the conspiracy is ferocious
P07 0920  3    and desperate. The instinct of discipline has been
P07 0920 11    lost. Anything is possible when anarchy has the upper
P07 0930  9    hand". He paused, then added, "Everything on a ship
P07 0940  7    is a weapon. Implements of wood and iron are available
P07 0950  5    for close and hasty combat no matter where a man stands.
P07 0960  4    And we are positive of so few and suspicious of so
P07 0960 15    many".
P07 0970  1       "We ourselves must stand sentinel". Alexander said.
P07 0980  1    "Under arms day and night, watch and watch about. Those
P07 0980 11    of us present, the Perry brothers, Deslonde and the
P07 0990  7    other midshipmen now have the responsibility of the
P07 1000  5    Somers. A great deal of labor we have as well, for
P07 1010  4    we are too uncertain of where trust may be placed".
P07 1020  1       And when he was alone again in the cabin, Alexander
P07 1020 11    lowered his head into his arms and wept, for he knew
P07 1030 10    full well what must be done, what in the end would
P07 1040  6    be done. With all his heart he had loved the Navy and
P07 1050  2    now he must act in accordance with the Navy's implacable
P07 1050 12    laws. And when he did, when he gave to his ship that
P07 1060 12    protection necessary to preserve her honor, he knew
P07 1070  7    he would lose forever the Navy to which he had dedicated
P07 1080  5    his soul.
P07 1080  7       Where had he failed? How had he failed? He who had
P07 1090  7    tried so hard, who had yearned so passionately to be
P07 1100  3    a great officer. It came to him as he wept there aboard
P07 1100 15    the Somers that it was as foolish to strive for greatness
P07 1110 11    as to seek to storm the gates of heaven. It was given
P07 1120 10    or it was not given. One did one's best and if fortune
P07 1130  7    smiled, there was a reward. One did one's best and
P07 1140  4    if fortune frowned, an eighteen-year-old boy with murder
P07 1150  1    in his heart sailed aboard one's ship. And Alexander
P07 1150 10    sobbed like a girl for the dreams he had had, and he
P07 1160 12    felt no shame. God knew his tears were his to shed
P07 1170  7    if he so desired, for it had not been with an egotist's
P07 1180  3    rage for fame that he had held precious his naval career.
P07 1190  1    Another field had given him fame enough to satisfy
P07 1190 10    any egotist. It was for love that he had served the
P07 1200  9    Navy. To have someday that love returned was what he
P07 1210  5    had lived for. Now the hope was gone. Yes, he would
P07 1220  2    bring the Somers safely into New York harbor but at
P07 1220 12    a price. Dear God, at what a price.
P07 1230  7       And after a while, he dried his tears and walked
P07 1240  5    the deck as a captain should with assurance and dignity.
P07 1250  2    Stern-faced, he inspected the prisoners, satisfying
P07 1250  9    himself that they were clean, well fed and comfortable
P07 1260  9    within reason. The prisoners averted their eyes but
P07 1270  5    not before he had glimpsed hatred and anger. Only Cromwell,
P07 1280  3    the giant boatswain, was mild-mannered and respectful.
P07 1290  1       He said, "Captain, may I speak, please? Captain,
P07 1300  1    I am innocent of any plot against you or the ship".
P07 1300 12       "Are you, Cromwell"?
P07 1310  3       "Yes, sir. Before God I swear I am innocent. I know
P07 1320  4    nothing of any plot, if there is such a thing".
P07 1330  1       "You are the only man aboard who can be in doubt".
P07 1340  1       "I cannot speak for others, sir, but I am innocent".
P07 1340 11    He leaned closer to Alexander, squinting up at him
P07 1350  8    from the deck. "Surely, Captain, you did not find my
P07 1360  6    name on any suspicious paper or anything".
P07 1370  1       "No, Cromwell, I did not find your name. You were
P07 1370 11    careful about that".
P07 1380  3       Now Spencer, seeming with effort to shake himself
P07 1390  2    from lethargy, spoke. He said, "Cromwell is telling
P07 1390 10    you the truth. He is innocent".
P07 1400  5       Alexander shifted his gaze to Spencer. The calmness
P07 1410  3    and detachment of his tone suggested unawareness of
P07 1420  2    how implicit was his own guilt in the words he had
P07 1420 13    used to defend Cromwell. Alexander knew Spencer too
P07 1430  6    well to think him nai^ve or thick-skulled. And in a
P07 1440  6    sudden wave of painful clarity, Alexander recognized
P07 1450  1    a kinship with Spencer. Here was another human who
P07 1450 10    understood the stupidity of quarreling with the inevitable.
P07 1460  8    There was good fortune and there was bad and Philip
P07 1470  7    Spencer, in handcuffs and ankle irons, knew it to be
P07 1480  5    a truth. He expected nothing for himself but that which
P07 1490  2    naturally follows those marked for misfortune. The
P07 1490  9    red-haired captain, towering above the prisoner as
P07 1500  7    a symbol of decency and authority, was shocked to find
P07 1510  5    himself looking with sympathy upon Philip Spencer.
P07 1520  1    This tragic lad had forged his own shackles. But he
P07 1520 11    could not have done so, could not have found the way,
P07 1530 10    had fortune favored him. And because fortune had favored
P07 1540  6    neither the prisoner nor the red-haired captain, they
P07 1550  3    would be each other's undoing.
P07 1550  8       "Spencer, if there is guilt, if you do not deny
P07 1560 10    your own, how is it possible for Cromwell to be innocent?
P07 1570  5    He was your constant companion".
P07 1580  1       The hazel eyes met Alexander's. "I tell you he is
P07 1580 11    innocent".
P07 1590  1       "And do you think there is a reason why I should
P07 1590 12    accept your word"?
P07 1600  3       "Yes. I have nothing to gain by defending Cromwell".
P07 1610  1       "Nothing to lose, either, Spencer".
P07 1620  1       "That's true", Spencer agreed and withdrew himself
P07 1620  7    from the conversation. His eyes went back to contemplation
P07 1630  7    of the sea.
P07 1630 10       "I am innocent, Captain", Cromwell said again. "Before
P07 1640  8    God, Captain, I am innocent".
P07 1650  4       And though it was logical that a man who could plot
P07 1660  4    mass murder would not hesitate to speak an untruth,
P07 1660 13    still it was difficult to understand why Spencer spoke
P07 1670  9    only for Cromwell. The boatswain was as guilty as any.
P07 1680  8    No action of his could be interpreted in his favor
P07 1690  4    and four midshipmen, prior to their knowing the significance
P07 1700  2    of the Greek paper, had seen it in Cromwell's hands
P07 1710  1    while Spencer whispered explanations.
P07 1710  5       "I thought", Midshipman Rogers had told Alexander,
P07 1720  5    "that Spencer was teaching him geometry".
P07 1730  2       It was fantastic to turn from the seven men in shackles
P07 1740  1    to the wardroom, where a class of apprentices awaited
P07 1740 10    him. This was a training ship and the training would
P07 1750  9    continue, but there was an element of frightful absurdity
P07 1760  5    here which Alexander recognized. Some of these apprentices
P07 1770  4    were, in physical strength, already men and doubtless
P07 1780  1    a percentage of them were Spencer's followers.
P08 0010  1    Rachel steered me along toward a school for young boys
P08 0010 11    beginning to study the Torah. Bits of trash lay in
P08 0020  9    the roadway. The air smelled warmish and foul.
P08 0030  4       A young man appeared out of a side alley and walked
P08 0040  2    toward us with quick strides. He wore a long double-breasted
P08 0050  1    coat of a heavy material, dark trousers, and black
P08 0050 10    boots with buckles. His black hat with its wide brim,
P08 0060  8    high crown, and fur trim rode high. With his head erect,
P08 0070  5    he approached, not glancing at us, and passed by with
P08 0080  3    his clear eyes raised and fixed straight ahead. He
P08 0080 12    had a pinkish-white complexion, a small straight nose,
P08 0090  6    a short black beard, and tightly curled paot. I was
P08 0100  6    suddenly conscious of my bare arms. The girls in the
P08 0110  4    market place wore long-sleeved dresses and covered
P08 0110 12    their legs with cloth stockings. I turned and watched
P08 0120  9    him stride down the center of the road. His hands were
P08 0130  8    swinging at his sides, and he passed through the dingy
P08 0140  4    market place with his back straight and, pivoting on
P08 0150  2    his heel, he entered an old stone building.
P08 0150 10       Rachel had seen me watching the young man. She smiled.
P08 0160  8    "When your mother was here he must have been a young
P08 0170  7    boy. Like the ones you will see now".
P08 0180  1       I swallowed hard and looked down at my feet plodding
P08 0180 11    along beside Rachel. She led me into a twisting side
P08 0190  9    alley. The dirty, discolored buildings looked boarded
P08 0200  4    up, and their few windows stood high above our heads.
P08 0210  3    Rachel said that schools and synagogues occupied most
P08 0220  1    of the buildings. We entered one where the front door
P08 0220 11    stood ajar and climbed a flight of steep steps to the
P08 0230  9    main floor. An old man with a white beard and dressed
P08 0240  5    in a long shabby coat, baggy trousers, and a black
P08 0250  2    skullcap greeted us. Rachel talked to him. He nodded,
P08 0250 11    clasping and unclasping his hands over his paunch,
P08 0260  8    and flicked glances at me. I thought he would ask us
P08 0270  7    to leave because Rachel and I were bare-armed, but
P08 0280  2    he looked down into his beard and preceded us down
P08 0280 12    the corridor. His toes pointed out toward the walls.
P08 0290  8    He stopped in front of a door, placed a finger on his
P08 0300  7    lips, and, still peering down into his beard, pushed
P08 0310  2    open the door to a classroom. We stepped inside. He
P08 0310 12    left us.
P08 0320  2       Little boys crowded together on long wooden benches,
P08 0320 10    and in the center of the room sat the teacher. His
P08 0330 11    black beard dripped down over the front of his coat.
P08 0340  7    One white hand poised a stick above his desk. He turned
P08 0350  4    his surly, half-closed eyes toward us, stared for a
P08 0360  2    second, then shouted in Yiddish, "One, two, three"!
P08 0360 10    rapping the stick against the desk. The little boys
P08 0370  9    shrilled out a Yiddish translation or interpretation
P08 0380  3    of the Five Books of Moses, which they had previously
P08 0390  3    chanted in Hebrew. They chanted a fixed tune in time
P08 0400  1    to the report of the stick. Each boy opened his small
P08 0400 12    mouth wide and rocked back and forth on the bench in
P08 0410  9    the way his grandfather and great-grandfather had studied
P08 0420  3    and prayed in the ghettos of Europe. The boys were
P08 0430  3    tiny. They had large bright eyes, the small upturned
P08 0430 12    noses of all babies everywhere, and hair cropped short
P08 0440  9    except for the long ringlets of paot framing their
P08 0450  5    little white faces. They bent over yellowed prayerbooks
P08 0460  3    and looked up only to watch the teacher. Since they
P08 0470  1    did not glance curiously at us once, I guessed that
P08 0470 11    there was a penalty for distraction. The guttural language
P08 0480  6    from the ghetto stopped. The teacher plunged the children
P08 0490  6    into a new portion, this time in Hebrew, rapping the
P08 0500  3    stick incessantly.
P08 0500  5       One boy who rocked back and forth over his worn
P08 0510  6    book had bright red hair and freckles. His tightly
P08 0520  1    curled paot hung down to his narrow shoulders. In the
P08 0520 11    center of his brilliant curls sat a small black skullcap.
P08 0530 10    His head barely rose above the table. I stared at him
P08 0540  9    for a long time. He did not return my interest. My
P08 0550  4    eyes traveled over the bare walls and up to the one
P08 0560  2    partially open window high above the little figures
P08 0560 10    and back to the boys. Some of them ignored the texts
P08 0580  8    and had apparently memorized the words long ago. They
P08 0590  5    singsonged the portion at the teacher, who accompanied
P08 0600  1    them in an off-key baritone and spurred them on with
P08 0600 12    the stick. The tapping defined the rhythm and kept
P08 0610  8    the boys awake. I could not keep my eyes away from
P08 0620  7    the boy with the red hair. His body pitched back and
P08 0630  3    forth on the bench. His front teeth were missing.
P08 0640  1       I shuddered and backed out of the room. Rachel followed,
P08 0640 10    looked at me, and clucked with her tongue. We walked
P08 0650  8    down the cool hall silently. From behind us came the
P08 0660  6    rapping of the stick and the high-pitched voices of
P08 0670  2    the boys who would grow to devote their lives to rigid
P08 0670 13    study and prayer.
P08 0680  2       I said, "How long do they keep that up"?
P08 0690  1       "All day", she said. "Except for Shabbat, when they
P08 0690 10    are praying all day".
P08 0700  3       I rubbed my hands together. They had turned numb
P08 0710  2    and prickly in the classroom. The old man in the baggy
P08 0710 13    clothes waited at the foot of the steps. He glanced
P08 0720 10    down into his beard and muttered something in Yiddish.
P08 0730  5       Rachel said, "He asks for money".
P08 0740  1       She passed by him. I reached into the pocket of
P08 0740 11    my skirt, fingered ten pruta, and dropped the coin.
P08 0750  8    Then I picked it up again and handed it to the old
P08 0760  8    man. He thanked me. I didn't look at him.
P08 0770  2       I grinned at Rachel. "Does this bother you"? I said.
P08 0780  2       She smiled to herself. "Most of our Sabras think
P08 0780 11    it's horrible. When we were fighting, a few of our
P08 0790 10    orthodox people were lying down in the roads so we
P08 0800  8    could not pass. They said that we must not fight but
P08 0810  4    wait for the Messiah".
P08 0810  8       I was amazed. You had to have convictions to lie
P08 0820  7    down in the road in all those clothes and appear as
P08 0830  3    though you might wish to turn yourself out of your
P08 0830 13    own home. You had to be stupid or crazy or immortal.
P08 0840 10    And I wasn't. I was American. You had to know, also,
P08 0850  7    that you were going to fail. All of it might have been
P08 0860  6    heroic, but they had done it in the wrong place. I
P08 0870  2    resented them.
P08 0870  4       Rachel faced me. Her bright eyes were twinkling.
P08 0880  1    She said, "Sometimes I think they are keeping religion
P08 0880 10    for us while we play around. Your mother hated this
P08 0890 10    way of life. She wished to change much for the children
P08 0900  8    here".
P08 0900  9       I said quietly, respectfully, "What did she do here?
P08 0910  7    In this section"?
P08 0920  1       Rachel clicked her tongue behind her teeth. "Here,
P08 0930  8    nothing. But when she saw the children you have just
P08 0940  8    visited, she wanted to take them away and put them
P08 0950  4    out in the country, in the kibbutzim. She loved the
P08 0950 14    children. She was a strange woman, your mother. When
P08 0960  9    she loved, it was with a passion that drove her along
P08 0970  8    and carried along with her those things she loved.
P08 0980  4    Nothing was too impossible for her to do when she wanted.
P08 0990  2    She stayed here to work for Aliah. For many immigrants,
P08 0990 12    for many children, the first thing they knew of Israel
P08 1000 10    and freedom was your mother. Sometimes it was dangerous
P08 1010  6    for her". Rachel grinned slyly. "But she loved danger.
P08 1020  5    She took it with her wherever she went; she chose it.
P08 1030  4    And I think she sought out danger as much as she sought
P08 1040  1    out helping other people. She was most strange woman.
P08 1040 10    Ready to follow her impulse. It was an impulse when
P08 1050  9    she was here in Me'a She'arim- I was with her- that
P08 1060  8    led her to stay in Israel. Your mother wanted to bring
P08 1070  5    children to Israel so that they could leave their ghettos.
P08 1080  3    Here they did not need to be in ghettos. If she could
P08 1090  1    not take the children out of this section, at least
P08 1090 11    she could take other children out of their countries
P08 1100  6    and put them on the farms. She set out to make sure
P08 1110  5    that no Jewish child anyplace in the world had to live
P08 1120  2    in a place such as this".
P08 1120  8       I said quietly, gaining nerve, ready to ask any
P08 1130  5    question at all, no matter how intimate, ready to be
P08 1140  2    rebuffed, "Then why did she leave Israel? I'd like
P08 1140 11    to know that very much".
P08 1150  4       Rachel clasped her hands together and slowed her
P08 1160  2    pace. The soles of her sandals reported sharply on
P08 1160 11    the cobblestones. She pursed her lips, then clamped
P08 1170  7    them together so tightly that I thought she was angry
P08 1180  6    with me. But she sighed and her face relaxed. "Trouble
P08 1190  2    came into her life. She had good friends here, people
P08 1200  1    who liked her. Who loved her. But she had to go out
P08 1200 13    and hurt herself. There was a man here in town. He
P08 1210  9    helped her meet people so she could go out and do the
P08 1230  6    work she wanted. She worked very hard. There was a
P08 1240  2    refugee who was able to come here because of her. He
P08 1240 13    came with his son. At first I thought they were relatives
P08 1250  9    of your mother, but it was not so. This refugee was
P08 1260  7    a middle-aged man, a big, handsome man with a strut
P08 1270  4    to his walk as I have never before seen. He had the
P08 1270 16    black numerals on his arm, so he had been branded in
P08 1280 11    a concentration camp. Yet he walked like a young man.
P08 1290  8    Often he was terribly despondent and talked to no one.
P08 1300  6    Then he would walk off for a few days alone in the
P08 1310  2    direction of Europe. All his family was dead, except
P08 1310 11    for his son. Your mother would always retrieve him
P08 1320  7    when he wandered off, and she would send him home to
P08 1330  6    his son. He loved the son and was always glad to be
P08 1340  3    sent back to him. Then his son did something"- Rachel
P08 1340 13    threw up her hands- "I don't know what, but something,
P08 1350 10    to an official here- it was during the Mandate- and
P08 1360  7    the son was imprisoned. A few hours after the son was
P08 1370  7    arrested, your mother was informed. She ran from a
P08 1380  4    little group of us. We were sitting together, talking.
P08 1380 13    She went to the father and found he had hanged himself".
P08 1390 11    Rachel paused. It was silent in the stone alley. Then
P08 1400  9    she continued with energy, "I myself did not see her
P08 1410  7    until a week after she had run off to find the father.
P08 1420  3    No one saw her except the man Reuveni".
P08 1420 11       "Yes", I said. "I know him".
P08 1430  4       Rachel gave me a direct, bright-eyed look. She said,
P08 1440  4    "Reuveni wanted your mother to give up her deep interest
P08 1450  2    in this refugee. He said she would only hurt herself.
P08 1450 12    He complained to me once that I must talk to her. When
P08 1460 11    I did, she shrugged her shoulders and said that Reuveni
P08 1470  7    wanted her to marry him. I asked her if she would,
P08 1480  5    and she said she would not. He had known when he first
P08 1490  3    helped her to meet the right people and work with them
P08 1490 14    that she did not intend to marry him. Anyway, I did
P08 1500 10    not see her until two weeks after the refugee hanged
P08 1510  6    himself. She came to me one day. She was pale and skinny;
P08 1520  5    she was terribly alone. And she said that after this
P08 1530  2    man had been dead for a week she had gone to Reuveni
P08 1530 14    and accepted his proposal. He shouted at her and told
P08 1540  9    her he loved her and couldn't understand why she had
P08 1550  5    upset herself. But now he was happy she would let him
P08 1560  4    straighten out her life and take care of her. He would
P08 1570  1    never let her harm herself again. For one whole week
P08 1570 11    he never let her stay alone. She let him lead her around.
P08 1580  9    He took her to a doctor, for she was run down, nervous,
P08 1590  7    did not care where she was. Reuveni took her with him
P08 1600  4    wherever he went. He did not let her talk to people;
P08 1610  1    he did not let her choose her own food. She was limp
P08 1610 13    and beaten from her loss; she did not care.
P09 0010  1    "And I'll take you with me". The two of them against
P09 0010 12    the world. That had been how she imagined it. For when
P09 0020 10    he began to talk and dream all at the same time, making
P09 0030  8    his plans as he went, she had begun dreaming too. But
P09 0040  4    now the dream was over. The big waking up had happened.
P09 0050  1       "What did I imagine"? she thought. "Did I see him
P09 0060  2    about to swing low in a chariot? Or maybe poling up
P09 0060 13    the south fork of the Forked Deer River braving the
P09 0070  9    wastes dumped in it? Maybe I saw him on a barge with
P09 0080  8    a gang of Ethiopians poling it".
P09 0090  1       And I'll take you with me. He had taken her all
P09 0090 12    right. Wednesday nights after youth fellowship. Out
P09 0100  7    of the church and into his big car, it tooling over
P09 0110  7    the road with him driving and the headlights sweeping
P09 0120  2    the pike ahead and after he hit college, his expansiveness,
P09 0130  1    the quaint little pine board tourist courts, cabins
P09 0130  9    really, with a cute naked light bulb in the ceiling
P09 0140  8    (unfrosted and naked as a streetlight, like the one
P09 0150  4    on the corner where you used to play when you were
P09 0160  1    a kid, where you watched the bats swooping in after
P09 0160 11    the bugs, watching in between your bouts at hopscotch),
P09 0170  7    a room complete with moths pinging the light and the
P09 0180  5    few casual cockroaches cruising the walls, an insect
P09 0190  1    Highway Patrol with feelers waving. And the bed that
P09 0190 10    sagged in a certain place where all the weight had
P09 0200  9    been put too many times before and the walls fine and
P09 0210  6    thin for overhearing talk in the next room when Gratt
P09 0220  2    went out for ice, the sound coming through the walls
P09 0220 12    like something on the other side of the curtain, so
P09 0230  9    you knew they heard you when they were quiet and while
P09 0240  7    you lay wondering what they had heard you listened.
P09 0250  4       And Gratt Shafer would be in Memphis today for the
P09 0260  3    wedding rehearsal and then tomorrow he would marry
P09 0260 11    just like everybody knew he would, just like everybody
P09 0270  8    knew all along. Like Mattie and the mayor up there
P09 0280  7    gripping the microphone and Toonker Burkette back in
P09 0290  3    his office yanking out teeth, like they all knew he
P09 0290 13    would. Just like the balloon would go up and you could
P09 0300 11    sit all day and wish it would spring a leak or blow
P09 0310  9    to hell up and burn and nothing like that would happen.
P09 0320  4    Or you could hope the parachute wouldn't open just
P09 0330  2    so you could say you saw it not open, not because you
P09 0330 14    meant any harm to Starkey Poe in his suit of red underwear,
P09 0340  8    but mainly because you were tired of being an old maid-
P09 0350  9    a thing which cannot admit when it thinks it might
P09 0360  5    be pregnant, but must stand the dizzy feeling all alone
P09 0370  2    and go on like everything is all right instead of being
P09 0370 13    able to say to somebody in a normal voice: "I think
P09 0380 10    I'm pregnant". You could wish that. Or you could wish
P09 0390  9    your daddy would really do it- kill Gratt Shafer like
P09 0400  7    he said when you all the time, all along, could feel
P09 0410  3    the nerve draining out of him like air out of a punctured
P09 0420  1    tire when you are on a muddy road alone and it is raining
P09 0420 14    and at night. So you sit in the car and listen to the
P09 0430 11    air run out and listen to the rain and see the mud
P09 0440  7    in front of the headlights, waiting for you, for your
P09 0450  3    new spectator pumps, waiting for you to squat by yourself
P09 0450 13    out there in your tight skirt, crying and afraid and
P09 0460 10    trying to get that damned son-of-a-bitch tire off,
P09 0470  7    because that is being an old maid too, if you happen
P09 0480  4    to drive a car, it is changing the tire yourself in
P09 0480 15    the night, and in the mud and the rain, hating to get
P09 0490 12    out in it but afraid to stay and afraid to try to walk
P09 0500  9    out for help. And every sound that might be the rain
P09 0510  5    also might be the man who thinks after he has raped
P09 0520  1    you he has to beat your brains out with a tire tool
P09 0520 13    so you won't tell, a combination like ham and eggs,
P09 0530  7    rape her and kill her, and that is being an old maid
P09 0540  6    too. It is not having his baby nestled warm and fat
P09 0550  3    against your breast and it is not having somebody that
P09 0550 13    really gives a damn whether some tramp cracks your
P09 0560  9    skull. And most of all it is not having the only man
P09 0570  7    you could love, whether he drives a bread truck or
P09 0580  3    delivers the mail or checks the berry crates down at
P09 0580 13    the sheds, or owns seventeen oil wells and six diamond
P09 0590  9    mines, for if you are anybody what he is or does makes
P09 0600  8    no difference if he is the one. He can even be a mild-voiced
P09 0610  9    little-town guy with big-town ideas and level gray
P09 0620  5    eyes and a heart even Houdini couldn't figure out,
P09 0630  2    how it is unlocked. And he can be on the way to Memphis,
P09 0630 15    your Gratt Shafer can, and you discover you can stay
P09 0640 10    alive and hate him and love him and want him even if
P09 0650  8    it means you want him- really want him- dead. Because
P09 0660  3    if you can't then nobody else can either, nobody else
P09 0670  3    can have him. For you don't share him, not even with
P09 0670 14    God. If it is love, you don't.
P09 0680  7       And I'll take you with me. Even if that's all the
P09 0690  6    promise he ever gave or ever will give, the giving
P09 0700  3    of it once was enough and you believed it then and
P09 0700 14    you will always believe it, even when it is finally
P09 0710  9    the only thing in the world you have left to believe,
P09 0720  6    and the whole world is telling you that one was a lie.
P09 0730  4    Even when he is on the way to Memphis you will still
P09 0740  1    have the promise resting inside you like a gift, and
P09 0740 11    it is he inside of you. And in a way the promise works
P09 0750 10    out true, for whether he wants you or not, you go with
P09 0760  7    him in your heart. You feel him every mile further
P09 0780  2    away. You feel where he is and what he sees, and at
P09 0780 14    night you feel when he is asleep or with the other
P09 0790 10    woman, the one that never could love him the way you
P09 0800  6    do, the one who got him because she didn't particularly
P09 0810  2    give a damn whether she got him or didn't. And you
P09 0810 13    know you will always wonder all of your life whether
P09 0820 10    it was because you wanted him so bad that you didn't
P09 0830  7    get him, and you can feel nearly sorry enough to cry
P09 0840  4    when you think of that other guy, the chump who begged
P09 0850  1    you to marry him, the one with the plastered hair and
P09 0850 12    the car he couldn't afford and the too-shiny shoes.
P09 0860  7    You think: "Did he feel that way about me"? It comes
P09 0870  7    to you that probably he did feel that way to let you
P09 0880  4    use him like you did when you couldn't have Gratt Shafer;
P09 0890  1    that he must have since he was there like the radio
P09 0890 12    for you to turn on or snap off when you got tired of
P09 0900 11    him, that other guy. It dawns on you that instead of
P09 0910  6    a lump to fill the seat across the bridge table from
P09 0920  2    you, he was a man, and that because Gratt Shafer was
P09 0920 13    making you miserable, you were passing it down to him,
P09 0930 10    to Gratt Shafer's substitute, that other guy. And you
P09 0940  7    wonder if that is why the little man lost his job and
P09 0950  6    his car and stayed drunk about a year before he straightened
P09 0960  2    out and moved to St& Louis, where he got to be a big
P09 0970  1    unhappy success. You wonder if he looks at his wife
P09 0970 11    now and thinks of you. You wonder about the Christmas
P09 0980  7    card with no name on it, and it comes to you that maybe
P09 0990  6    it would have been better to have made somebody else
P09 1000  2    happy if you couldn't be happy yourself, to give somebody
P09 1000 12    else the one they wanted- to give them you.
P09 1010  9       "Damn the world", she thought. She looked out at
P09 1020  7    the corn field, the great green deep acres of it rolled
P09 1030  5    out like the sea in the field beyond the whitewashed
P09 1040  1    fence bordering the grounds. The mayor envisioned factories
P09 1040  9    there. Homes and factories and schools and a big wide
P09 1050 10    federal highway, instead of peaceful corn to rest your
P09 1060  7    eyes on while you tried to rest your heart, while you
P09 1070  4    tried not to look at the balloon and the bandstand
P09 1080  1    and the uniforms and the flash of the instruments.
P09 1080 10    The bands were impatient, but they were the only ones.
P09 1090  7    The others, the ones in the stands, were spellbound,
P09 1100  3    for hearing the mayor was for them like listening to
P09 1110  2    a symphony was for sophisticated folks in New York
P09 1110 11    City. It was like being in the concert hall in the
P09 1120  9    afternoon and hearing the piano virtuoso rehearsing.
P09 1130  3    He was good and they knew that what he was doing for
P09 1140  2    them he would do all over the United States some day.
P09 1140 13    So they stayed quiet and hung not on what he said but
P09 1150 11    on how he said it, not listening exactly, but rather,
P09 1160  5    feeling. If a man was good, if he was going to be governor,
P09 1170  6    you felt it and you wanted him to go on forever. You
P09 1180  2    were sorry when he finished talking because while he
P09 1180 11    was up there you were someone else and the world was
P09 1190 10    something else too. It was a place full of courage
P09 1200  7    and hope and you were part of it. You laughed and then
P09 1210  4    your chest swelled and you felt you could cry for a
P09 1210 15    little bit, and then a feeling hit you like a chill
P09 1220 11    in your stomach and the goose bumps rippled along your
P09 1230  7    arm. He hit the theme about dying to defend your country,
P09 1240  5    and you were ready to do it right then, without a second
P09 1250  3    thought. While he talked you wouldn't trade being a
P09 1250 12    West Tennessee farmer for being anything else in the
P09 1260  9    whole damned world, no matter if it hadn't, in six
P09 1270  8    weeks, rained enough to wet a rat's ass.
P09 1280  2       She glanced at the man nodding beside her, a man
P09 1280 12    with weather cracks furrowed into his lean cheeks,
P09 1290  8    with powdery pale eyes reflecting all the droughts
P09 1300  4    he had seen, reflecting the sky and the drought which
P09 1310  2    must follow now in August- yes, with eyes predicting
P09 1310 11    the drought and here it was only June, only festival
P09 1320 10    time again and thoughts of Gratt Shafer would not leave
P09 1330  7    her. "I should have stayed at the store", she thought.
P09 1340  5       Back at the Factory-to-You with the other old maids,
P09 1350  5    back there she was the youngest clerk and she was thirty-four,
P09 1360  3    which made her young enough to resent the usual ideal
P09 1360 13    working conditions, like the unventilated toilet with
P09 1370  7    the door you had to hold shut while you sat down. There
P09 1380  9    was no lock because Herman didn't allow a lock. A lock
P09 1390  6    on the toilet would encourage malingering and primping.
P09 1400  3    The toilet hadn't had a sincere scrubbing in years
P09 1400 12    and there were things written on the walls of the little
P09 1410 11    boxed-in place because you couldn't keep the public
P09 1420  7    out- entirely. She could not count the times Herman
P09 1430  5    had rapped on the door, just a couple of bangs that
P09 1440  2    shook the whole damned closet and might, someday, break
P09 1440 11    away the pipe connections from the wall. The two little
P09 1450  9    bangs meant that he was getting impatient to have a
P09 1460  7    crowd of customers waited on and that if he had to
P09 1470  5    he would jerk open the door and drag out, by the opposite
P09 1480  1    door handle which she would be clutching, whichever-the-hell
P09 1480 11    clerk it was who thought she could waste so much store
P09 1490 10    time on the pot.
P09 1500  1       And the hours were six-thirty in the morning until
P09 1500 11    eleven at night on Saturdays and during sales, and
P09 1510  7    there were no chairs and you couldn't smoke and the
P09 1520  4    cooling was overhead fans and there was no porter or
P09 1530  2    janitor.
P10 0010  1       Among us, we three handled quite a few small commissions,
P10 0010 11    from spot drawings for advertising agencies uptown
P10 0020  7    to magazine work and quick lettering jobs. Each of
P10 0030  5    us had his own specialty besides. George did wonderful
P10 0040  3    complicated pen-and-ink drawings like something out
P10 0040 11    of a medieval miniature: hundreds of delicate details
P10 0050  6    crammed into an eight-by-ten sheet and looking as if
P10 0060  6    they had been done under a jeweler's glass. He also
P10 0070  4    drew precise crisp spots, which he sold to various
P10 0070 13    literary and artistic journals, The New Yorker, for
P10 0080  8    instance, or Esquire. I did book jackets and covers
P10 0090  8    for paperback reprints: naked girls huddling in corners
P10 0100  6    of dingy furnished rooms while at the doorway, daring
P10 0110  3    the cops to take him, is the guy in shirt sleeves clutching
P10 0120  1    a revolver. The book could be The Brothers Karamazov,
P10 0120 10    but it would still have the same jacket illustration.
P10 0130  9    I remember once I did a jacket for Magpie Press; the
P10 0140  8    book was a fine historical novel about Edward /3,,
P10 0150  4    and I did a week of research to get the details just
P10 0160  2    right: the fifteenth-century armor, furnishings, clothes.
P10 0160  9    I even ferreted out the materials from which shields
P10 0170  9    were made- linden wood covered with leather- so I'd
P10 0180  7    get the light reflections accurate. McKenzie, the art
P10 0190  4    editor, took one look at my finished sketch and said,
P10 0200  3    "Nothing doing, Rufus. In the first place, it's static;
P10 0210  1    in the second place, it doesn't look authentic; and
P10 0210 10    in the third place, it would cost a fortune to reproduce
P10 0220  9    in the first place- you've got six colors there including
P10 0230  7    gold". I said, "Mr& McKenzie, it is as authentic as
P10 0240  6    careful research can make it". He said, "That may be,
P10 0250  5    but it isn't authentic the way readers think. They
P10 0260  2    know from their researches into television and the
P10 0260 10    movies that knights in the middle ages had beautiful
P10 0270  8    flowing haircuts like Little Lord Fauntleroy, and only
P10 0280  5    the villains had beards. And girls couldn't have dressed
P10 0290  3    like that- it isn't transparent enough". In the end,
P10 0300  4    I did the same old picture, the naked girl and the
P10 0300 15    guy in the doorway, only I put a Lord Byron shirt on
P10 0310 11    the guy, gave him a sword instead of a pistol, and
P10 0320  7    painted in furniture from the stills of a costume movie.
P10 0330  4    McKenzie was as happy as a clam. "That's authenticity",
P10 0340  2    he said.
P10 0340  4       As for Donald, he actually sold paintings. We all
P10 0350  3    painted in our spare time, and we had all started as
P10 0360  1    easel painters with scholarships, but he was the only
P10 0360 10    one of us who made any regular money at it. Not much;
P10 0370  8    he sold perhaps three or four a year, and usually all
P10 0380  6    to Joyce Monmouth or her friends. He had style, a real
P10 0390  3    inner vision of his very own. It was strange stuff-
P10 0390 13    it reminded me of the pictures of a child, but a child
P10 0400 12    who has never played with other kids and has lived
P10 0410  7    all its life with adults. There was the freshness of
P10 0420  4    color, the freedom of perception, the lack of self-consciousness,
P10 0430  1    but with a twist that made the forms leap from the
P10 0430 12    page and smack you in the eye. We used to kid him by
P10 0440 12    saying he only painted that way because he was so nearsighted.
P10 0450  8    It may have been true for all I know, because his glasses
P10 0460  6    were like the bottoms of milk bottles, but it didn't
P10 0470  4    prevent the paintings from being exciting. He also
P10 0470 12    had, at times, an uncanny absent-minded air like a
P10 0480 10    sleepwalker; he would look right through you while
P10 0490  6    you were talking to him, and if you said, "For Christ's
P10 0500  3    sake, Donald, you've got Prussian blue all over your
P10 0510  3    shirt", he would smile, and nod, and an hour later
P10 0510 13    the paint would be all over his pants as well. Mrs&
P10 0520 10    Monmouth thought of him as her discovery, and she paid
P10 0530  8    two to three hundred dollars for a painting. It was
P10 0540  4    all gravy, and Donald didn't need much to live on;
P10 0550  1    none of us did. We shared the expenses of the studio,
P10 0550 12    and we all lived within walking distance of it, in
P10 0560  8    cheap lodgings of one kind or another.
P10 0570  2       Attending the life class was my idea- or rather,
P10 0570 11    Askington's idea, but I was ripe for it, and the other
P10 0580 11    two wouldn't have gone if I hadn't talked them into
P10 0590  9    it. I wanted to paint again. I hadn't done a serious
P10 0600  6    picture in almost a year. It wasn't just the pressure
P10 0610  4    of work, although that was the excuse I often used,
P10 0620  1    even to myself. It was the kind of work I was doing,
P10 0620 13    the quality of the ambition it awoke in me, that kept
P10 0630  9    me from painting. I kept saying, "If I could just build
P10 0640  6    up a reputation for myself, make some real money, get
P10 0650  3    to be well known as an illustrator- like Peter Askington,
P10 0660  1    for instance- then I could take some time off and paint".
P10 0670  1    Askington was a kind of goal I set myself; I had admired
P10 0670 13    him long before I talked to him. It looked to me as
P10 0680 12    though he had everything an artist could want, joy
P10 0690  6    in his work, standing in the profession, a large and
P10 0700  4    steady income. The night we first met, at one of Mrs&
P10 0710  1    Monmouth's giant parties, he was wearing a brown cashmere
P10 0710 10    jacket with silver buttons and a soft pink Viyella
P10 0720  9    shirt; instead of a necktie he wore a leather bolo
P10 0730  6    drawn through a golden ring in which was set a lump
P10 0740  3    of pale pure jade. This set his tone: richness of texture
P10 0750  1    and color, and another kind of richness as well, for
P10 0750 11    his clothing and decorations would have paid the Brush-off's
P10 0760  8    rent for a year. He was fifteen years older than I-
P10 0770  6    forty-four- but full of spring and sparkle. He didn't
P10 0780  4    look like what I thought of as an old man, and his
P10 0790  2    lively and erudite speech made him seem even younger.
P10 0790 11    He was one of the most prominent magazine illustrators
P10 0800  7    in America; you saw one of his paintings on the cover
P10 0810  7    of one or another of the slick national magazines every
P10 0820  3    month. Life had included him in its "Modern American
P10 0830  1    Artists" series and had photographed him at his studio
P10 0830 10    in the East Sixties; the corner of it you could see
P10 0840 11    in the photograph looked as though it ought to have
P10 0850  8    Velasquez in it painting the royalty of Spain.
P10 0860  3       I had a long talk with him. We went into Mrs& Monmouth's
P10 0870  2    library, which had low bookshelves all along the walls,
P10 0880  1    and above them a Modigliani portrait, a Jackson Pollock
P10 0880 10    twelve feet long, and a gorgeous Miro with a yellow
P10 0890  9    background, that looked like an inscription from a
P10 0900  5    Martian tomb. The fireplace had tiles made for Mrs&
P10 0910  3    Monmouth by Picasso himself. Like certain expensive
P10 0910 10    restaurants, just sitting there gave you the illusion
P10 0920  8    of being wealthy yourself.
P10 0930  1       In the course of our talk, Askington mentioned that
P10 0930 10    he spent part of each week studying. "By yourself"?
P10 0940  9    I asked. "No, I take classes with different people",
P10 0950  7    he said. "I don't think I've reached the point, yet,
P10 0960  7    where I can say I know everything I ought to know about
P10 0970  6    the craft. Besides, it's important to the way a painter
P10 0980  4    thinks that he should move in a certain atmosphere,
P10 0980 13    an atmosphere in which he may absorb the ideas of other
P10 0990 11    masters, as Du^rer went to Italy to meet Bellini and
P10 1000  8    Mantegna".
P10 1000  9       He made a circle with his thumb and fingers. "Painting
P10 1010  9    isn't this big, you know. It doesn't embrace only the
P10 1020  8    artist, alone before his easel. It is as large as all
P10 1030  7    of art, interdependent, varied, multitudinous". He
P10 1040  2    threw his arms wide, his face shining. "The artist
P10 1040 11    is like a fragment of a mosaic- no, he is more than
P10 1050 11    that, a virtuoso performer in some vast philharmonic.
P10 1060  5    One of these days, I'm going to organize a gigantic
P10 1070  3    exhibition that will span everything that's being painted
P10 1080  2    these days, from extreme abstract expressionism to
P10 1080  9    extreme photorealism, and then you'll be able to see
P10 1090  8    at a glance how much artists have in common with each
P10 1100  6    other. The eye is all, inward or outward. Ah, what
P10 1110  3    a title for the exhibition: The Eye is All"!
P10 1120  1       "What do you study"? I asked. I was fascinated;
P10 1120 10    just listening to him made me feel intelligent.
P10 1130  7       "I'm studying anatomy with Burns", he replied. "Maybe
P10 1140  6    you know him. He teaches at the Manhattan School of
P10 1150  5    Art". I nodded. I had studied with Burns ten years
P10 1160  3    before, during the scholarship year the Manhattan gave
P10 1160 11    me, along with the five-hundred-dollar prize for my
P10 1170 10    paintings of bums on Hudson Street. Burns and I had
P10 1180  7    not loved each other. "I'm also studying enameling
P10 1190  3    with Hajime Iijima", he went on, "and twice a week
P10 1200  3    I go to a life class taught by Pendleton".
P10 1200 12       "Osric Pendleton"? I said. "My God, is he still
P10 1210  9    alive? He must be a million years old. I went to a
P10 1220 10    retrospective of his work when I was eighteen, and
P10 1230  5    I thought he was a contemporary of Cezanne's".
P10 1240  1       "Not quite". Askington laughed. "He's about sixty,
P10 1250  1    now. Still painting, still a kind of modern impressionist,
P10 1250 10    beautiful canvases of mountains and farms. He even
P10 1260  8    makes the city look like one of Thoreau's hangouts.
P10 1270  5    I've always admired him, and when I heard he was taking
P10 1280  5    a few pupils, I went to him and joined his class".
P10 1290  1       "Yes, it sounds great", I said, "but suppose you
P10 1300  1    don't think of yourself as an impressionist painter"?
P10 1300  9       "You're missing the point", he said. "He has the
P10 1310  9    magical eye. And he is a great man. Contact with him
P10 1320  9    is stimulating. And that's the trouble with so many
P10 1330  6    artists today. They lack stimulation. They sit alone
P10 1340  2    in their rooms and try to paint, and only succeed in
P10 1340 13    isolating themselves still farther from life. That's
P10 1350  7    one of the reasons art is becoming a useless occupation.
P10 1360  6    In the Middle Ages, in the Renaissance, right up to
P10 1370  4    the early nineteenth century, the painter was a giant
P10 1380  1    in the world. He was an artisan, a man who studied
P10 1380 12    his trade and developed his craftsmanship the way a
P10 1390  7    goldsmith or a wood carver did. He filled a real need,
P10 1400  6    showing society what it looked like, turning it inside
P10 1410  3    out, portraying its wars and its leaders, its ugliness
P10 1410 12    and its beauties, reflecting its profound religious
P10 1420  6    impulses. He was a propagandist- they weren't afraid
P10 1430  6    of the word, then- satirist, nature lover, philosopher,
P10 1440  3    scientist, what you will, a member of every party and
P10 1450  2    of no party. But look at us today! We hold safe little
P10 1450 14    jobs illustrating tooth-paste ads or the salacious
P10 1460  8    incidents in trivial novels, and most of our easel
P10 1470  6    painting is nothing but picking the fluff out of the
P10 1480  3    navel so it can be contemplated in greater purity.
P10 1480 12    A bunch of amateur dervishes! What we need is to get
P10 1490 10    back to the group, to learning and apprenticeship,
P10 1500  4    to the cafe and the school".
P10 1500 10       He could certainly talk. The upshot of the evening
P10 1510  9    was that I got the address of Pendleton's studio- or
P10 1520  6    rather, of the studio in which he gave his classes,
P10 1530  5    for he didn't work there himself- and joined the life
P10 1540  3    class, which met every Tuesday and Thursday from ten
P10 1540 12    to twelve in the morning. It was an awkward hour, but
P10 1550 10    I didn't have to punch any time clock, and it only
P10 1560  8    meant that sometimes I had to stay a couple of hours
P10 1580  4    later at the drawing board to finish up a job. After
P10 1590  1    a short time, both George and Donald joined the class
P10 1590 11    with me so they wouldn't feel lonely, and we used to
P10 1610  8    hang a sign on the door of the Brush-off reading OUT
P10 1620  5    TO WORK. It was mostly for the benefit of the mailman,
P10 1630  3    because hardly anybody else ever visited us.
P10 1630 10       In a way, Askington was right. "Stimulating" was
P10 1640  8    the word for it. I don't know that it was always as
P10 1650  9    rewarding as I had expected it to be. Partly, it was
P10 1660  6    because Pendleton himself wasn't what I anticipated.
P10 1670  1    I had come prepared to worship at the feet of this
P10 1670 12    classic, and he turned out to be a rather bitter old
P10 1680 11    man who smelled of dead cigars.
P10 1690  1       No, that isn't quite fair. Actually, there was a
P10 1690 10    lot of force in him, which is why I kept on in that
P10 1700 13    class instead of quitting after a week.
P11 0010  1    ##
P11 0010  2    SUCH a little thing to start with- the car registration.
P11 0020  1       "Ida, where is the car license"? she asked. "I can't
P11 0030  1    find it in the glove compartment".
P11 0030  7       "Via must have it", I answered readily enough, recalling
P11 0040  6    her last visit.
P11 0040  9       "Via", she was frowning. "Why should Via have it"?
P11 0050  9       Had she forgotten she had signed the car away, that
P11 0060 10    whatever they mutually owned had been divided among
P11 0070  6    the children?
P11 0070  8       I was silent. I didn't want to stir things up.
P11 0080  7       "I drive my own car by courtesy of Via"?
P11 0090  3       "I'm sure she'd turn it over to you, if you'd rather.
P11 0100  4    You know that".
P11 0100  7       She looked as if she were accusing me of some fraud.
P11 0110  6       "She must have taken the registration when she went
P11 0120  4    to Walter's. I'll call her".
P11 0120  9       "No, thank you. I want nothing of Via's".
P11 0130  8       Why should this suddenly assail her? Walter was
P11 0140  6    giving me checks for my pay, the household bills. Had
P11 0150  4    she been in such a turmoil that this had slipped her
P11 0160  2    mind?
P11 0160  3       "What a fool I've been", she said quietly. "I knew
P11 0170  3    all this, but I paid no attention. I don't even own
P11 0170 14    the house I'm standing in. I was so sure it was all
P11 0180 12    temporary **h that we would all embrace, and then the
P11 0190  8    lawyer would tear up all those things **h
P11 0200  2       "It narrows down down down and finally there is
P11 0200 11    no way out. If I am not to be Mrs& Salter I am nothing".
P11 0220  1       I suppose I should have paid attention to that half-murmured
P11 0220 11    remark, but it seemed one of those extreme statements
P11 0230  9    women under stress indulge in. I love you, I hate you,
P11 0240  8    I feel like killing you and myself, and in the same
P11 0250  5    sequence I love you I think you're the most wonderful
P11 0260  1    the most noble and so on and on, meanwhile eating a
P11 0260 12    good breakfast and dinner and enjoying living. So I
P11 0270  8    went about my business. I made a lemon sponge, a light
P11 0280  6    dessert, roasted a chicken, parboiled some frozen vegetables,
P11 0290  3    so there would be something nice in the icebox for
P11 0300  1    the weekend. "Don't bother, Ida", she said. "I have
P11 0300 10    these appointments in town for Saturday, and I'll probably
P11 0310  9    spend Sunday with Dolly or the Thaxters".
P11 0320  6       At last, I thought, she's recovering her spirits.
P11 0330  4    With this movie-to-be in London, and new faces about
P11 0340  2    her there, she would soon be a more tranquil, a wiser
P11 0340 13    person, all the better for her stay out here. I felt
P11 0350 11    more cheerful, as if I had had a part in bringing her
P11 0360  8    through to a greater tolerance of herself. And I went
P11 0370  4    back to my own cottage to live my own little patch
P11 0380  1    of life.
P11 0380  3       It was foggy that evening, but the path to my house
P11 0380 14    was so well grooved that I could feel my way, accustomed
P11 0390 11    as I was to the dense mists that rise from the sun-warmed
P11 0400 10    palisades of the river and sometimes last for days.
P11 0410  6    In the morning the fog was still thick so that to go
P11 0420  5    to the village I crept along with my headlights full
P11 0420 15    on.
P11 0430  1       I did notice a twinkle of light from the big house
P11 0430 12    through the woods but as I had left a light on in my
P11 0440 12    own house because of the fog I assumed Mrs& Salter
P11 0450  6    had done the same before she left for town. I did my
P11 0460  5    shopping, had my dentist appointment, and from there
P11 0460 13    I went to the women's lunch at our parish church where
P11 0470 11    we discussed plans for the annual Christmas bazaar,
P11 0480  7    so that dusk was beginning to gather when I drove home
P11 0490  6    in the late afternoon.
P11 0490 10       But the next day- Sunday. Why, when I drove down
P11 0500  7    to church, didn't it speak to me, seeing the lights
P11 0510  6    still on and the day crisp and clear? Prisoners brought
P11 0520  2    to the dock accused of murder or accident say they
P11 0520 12    cannot remember, and reading the accounts of their
P11 0530  8    testimony you cannot believe that the mind can remove,
P11 0540  6    absent itself, unsee. When I came back from church
P11 0550  3    at noon Mrs& Thaxter was turning into the Salter driveway.
P11 0560  1    Even at a car's length I could sense that something
P11 0560 11    was wrong, and so I followed her up to the turnaround
P11 0570 10    in front of the house.
P11 0580  1       Dolly Engisch was waiting there on the steps and
P11 0580 10    she came running toward us.
P11 0590  4       "She's nowhere, nowhere"! she screamed, and both
P11 0600  3    women ran up to the house, and I followed.
P11 0600 12       The search began, in all the rooms, running upstairs,
P11 0610  9    down, opening closets, talking, exclaiming in rushes
P11 0620  5    and gasps.
P11 0620  7       Everything was as I had left it the night before
P11 0630  8    last- her portfolio and bag for town, her lingerie
P11 0640  3    and dress and shoes laid out **h only her mink coat
P11 0640 14    was missing. And she.
P11 0650  4       Then the telephoning began. I, who until that day
P11 0660  3    before had been Mrs& Salter's friend, her equal, was
P11 0660 12    the servant now. It was Dolly and Mrs& Thaxter who
P11 0670 10    were calling Via, everybody. And when they spoke they
P11 0680  7    spoke to each other and not to me. And after I brought
P11 0690  7    them sandwiches and coffee I had to go back to my place
P11 0700  4    in the kitchen and wait.
P11 0700  9       Sitting in the kitchen I recalled every word Mrs&
P11 0710  6    Salter said that could have been a sign to me. "If
P11 0720  4    I am not to be Mrs& Salter then I am nothing". Why
P11 0730  2    didn't that alarm me then? And when she returned from
P11 0730 12    taking her guests back to New York she had said, "All
P11 0740 11    they talked about was Harvie **h Harvie this, Harvie
P11 0750  7    that **h When they know the truth will they drop away
P11 0760  6    from me, will I become a nothing"? And then I remembered
P11 0770  4    a few years before after their return from a short
P11 0780  1    trip to Rome I had heard her boast, over and over again,
P11 0780 13    "On the boat people liked me for myself".
P11 0790  7       I had made a habit of calling her at night from
P11 0800  5    my cottage, just to check. The last night I had called,
P11 0810  3    but the line was always busy and it reassured me. I
P11 0810 14    assumed it was one of those hour-long conversations
P11 0820  9    with Dolly or Constance, she comfortable in bed. But
P11 0830  6    it seemed not from what they were saying. Then was
P11 0840  3    it a final desperate plea from her, to whom? **h hanging
P11 0850  1    on and on past any man's patience **h some final stab
P11 0850 12    of conclusion? @
P11 0860  2       She was found the day after at the bottom of the
P11 0860 13    cliff. I tried to believe that what must have happened
P11 0870 10    was that, restless, disturbed by this telephone call
P11 0880  6    or whatever, she walked out in the night, as she had
P11 0890  5    a habit of doing. Sometimes she took the path that
P11 0900  1    winds up around my cottage to the walk at the edge
P11 0900 12    of the cliff. It's so romantic up there, she used to
P11 0910  8    say, with the broad river gleaming in its moontrack
P11 0920  4    like an enormous dark mirror and all the sounds of
P11 0930  1    the night, so poetic. With all that warm rain and the
P11 0930 12    fog it might have been as simple as a loosened rock,
P11 0940  8    a misstep.
P11 0940 10       But I didn't really think it was as simple as that,
P11 0950  9    nor did anyone else. When a fisherman brought her up
P11 0960  5    in his arms, still, small, as if she were a child asleep,
P11 0970  3    I began to shudder with a terrible excitement, almost
P11 0970 12    triumphant, that I still cannot account for. Was it
P11 0980  9    a hysterical release from the long strain of vigilance
P11 0990  7    of those weeks? that at last the vigilance, the will
P11 1000  4    gives way? Or what was it that, before Via, Sonny,
P11 1010  2    Walter and all, I began almost to dance with shuddering
P11 1010 12    and cry out, "I knew she'd do it! I knew"!
P11 1020 10       Everyone stared at me and drew back. Their eyes
P11 1030  8    turned cold and accusing, even Via's. And they have
P11 1040  5    never changed.
P11 1040  7       At the same time that I thought I understood her
P11 1050  4    at long last and pitied her, underneath this knowing
P11 1060  1    had there burned unquenched by my pity a fire of hate,
P11 1060 12    an enduring envy that burst out in that ghastly outcry?
P11 1070  9    Was that what had given way in me? Even now I am appalled
P11 1080  9    at how little anyone knows of what they really are.
P11 1090  6    It is absurd of course to say that that one exclamation
P11 1100  2    estranged me from the family I considered my very own,
P11 1100 12    but there it hangs, a cooling void that broke our close
P11 1110 11    connection with each other. At the time I was filled
P11 1120  9    with self-pity at this separation, but in the years
P11 1130  5    since I have come to understand that the sight of me
P11 1140  3    was painful to them after that outcry. In my person
P11 1140 13    they would always remember that last long time of me
P11 1150  9    alone with her, so if they told themselves that I could
P11 1160  6    have prevented it, I can understand that by now and
P11 1170  4    love them still, because everyone must justify, have
P11 1170 12    a scapegoat for what is not to be borne.
P11 1180  8       It is not their avoidance that rankles; it is when
P11 1190  6    I meet someone who was a close friend of the family,
P11 1210  2    and therefore of mine, and they nod to me so coolly
P11 1210 13    and walk away, that it hurts. I could tell them, but
P11 1220  9    no one ever asked, why I had cried out so triumphantly
P11 1230  5    at the sight of her body. No, I forget Mrs& Mathias,
P11 1240  3    who had been away visiting a married daughter when
P11 1250  1    it happened. She haunted me; she persisted in explaining
P11 1250 10    how and why she had advised Mrs& Salter to return to
P11 1260  9    the country.
P11 1260 11       "We all feel guilty", I turned away from her coldly.
P11 1270 10    "It was nobody's fault. She overplayed her hand".
P11 1280  6       "What do you mean"? she frowned.
P11 1290  3       "Why put such a high value on being top dog"? I
P11 1300  3    added. It was coarse, almost insulting, this harsh
P11 1300 11    appraisal, and she has never come to see me since.
P11 1310 10       But suppose she had not taken Mrs& Mathias' advice
P11 1320  7    and lived on like thousands of women in towns, dispossessed
P11 1330  6    of love, hanging on to makeshifts, and altogether and
P11 1340  3    finally arid. If she chose, and in that final decision
P11 1350  1    discarded, what, above all, all of us value, life itself,
P11 1350 11    must she not have risen to her fullest height, and
P11 1360  9    transcending her murky self, felt at last the passion
P11 1370  6    of a great moral decision? If they say I could have
P11 1380  3    stopped her it is because they are ignorant of her
P11 1380 13    last weeks of self-examination, her search into herself
P11 1390  8    and its conclusions.
P11 1400  1       Yes, I had cried out that I knew she'd do it, but
P11 1400 13    without my fully realizing it at the time, it was a
P11 1410 11    cry of triumph for her, praise at her deliverance from
P11 1420  5    pettiness and greed- and guilt. She was finally at
P11 1430  3    rest in truth, of her own proud free choice. At rest
P11 1430 14    with my darling Ellen, the first Mrs& Salter.
P11 1440  8    ##
P11 1440  9    MR& SALTER came home. The funeral service was in the
P11 1450  9    house, the Methodist minister, how clean and glistening
P11 1460  5    his eyeglasses and his neat body standing beside that
P11 1470  3    coffin with that doll inside, a stranger speaking to
P11 1480  1    strangers the old sacred words, and the rain drumming
P11 1480 10    incessantly in accompaniment, seven days of relentless
P11 1490  6    rain that turned the ground to mud so the burial had
P11 1500  6    to be postponed. I waited. Then Via called to say they
P11 1510  3    had decided to cremate her- as they had Ellen, the
P11 1510 13    thought leaped to my mind- and did I want to meet her
P11 1520 12    at the funeral home the next morning.
P11 1530  4       The coffin stood on trestles in a corner of the
P11 1540  2    long low dimly lit funeral parlor, on its dark shining
P11 1540 12    surface the sheaf of white roses I had ordered. I knelt,
P11 1550 10    just for decency I thought at the time, but found myself
P11 1560  8    whispering, "Our Father which Art in Heaven **h" And
P11 1570  6    it was only after that that something unlocked in me
P11 1580  3    and I felt a grief.
P11 1580  8       Via was in the parking lot when I went outside.
P11 1590  4    Together we waited in her car until the hearse moved
P11 1600  1    out and we followed it down into the heavy traffic
P11 1600 11    of New Jersey.
P11 1610  1       By the time we arrived and entered the building
P11 1610 10    sacred music was already swelling out into the chapel-like
P11 1620  9    auditorium with its discreet symbols of religious faiths.
P11 1630  5    Again I felt impelled to kneel, and reached back and
P11 1640  5    pulled Via down. Something would come into her heart
P11 1650  2    **h if nothing else the sounds of Bach would give her
P11 1650 13    some healing.
P12 0010  1    "I had a rather small place of my own. A nice bachelor
P12 0010 13    apartment in a place called the Lancaster Arms".
P12 0020  7       "Uhhu", she said, hardly listening as she studied
P12 0030  6    her left eyelid.
P12 0030  9       "And then I had another place farther downtown I
P12 0040  8    used as a studio".
P12 0050  1       "Uhhu".
P12 0050  2       "I'm not a man who has many close intimate friends,
P12 0060  1    Carla", he said, wanting her to know all about him.
P12 0060 11    "Oh, I'd drink with newspaper people. I think I was
P12 0070 10    what you might call a convivial man, and yet it was
P12 0080  8    when I was alone in my studio, doing my work, that
P12 0090  4    I really felt alive. But I think a man needs at least
P12 0100  1    one intimate friend to communicate with". Pausing,
P12 0100  8    he waited for her to turn, to ask a question. She showed
P12 0110 10    no interest at all in the life he had led back home,
P12 0120  7    and it hurt him a little. "Well, what about you, Carla"?
P12 0130  4       "Me"? she asked, turning slowly. "What about me"?
P12 0140  4       "Did you make friends easily"?
P12 0150  1       "Umm, uhhu".
P12 0150  3       "Somehow I imagine that as you grew up you were
P12 0160  4    alone a lot. How about it"?
P12 0160 10       "I guess so", she said taking a Kleenex from her
P12 0170  8    purse. When she had wiped some of the lipstick from
P12 0180  5    her mouth, she stared solemnly at her image in the
P12 0190  1    mirror.
P12 0190  2       "Are your people still alive"? he asked, trying
P12 0200  1    to touch a part of her life Alberto hadn't discussed;
P12 0200 11    so he could have something of her for himself. "You
P12 0210  8    talk so well, Carla", he went on. "You seem to have
P12 0220  8    read so much, you have a natural gift for words", he
P12 0230  4    added, trying to flatter her vanity. "You must have
P12 0240  1    been good at history at school. Where did you go to
P12 0240 12    school"?
P12 0250  1       "What is this"? she asked, turning suddenly. "Don't
P12 0260  1    you know all about me by this time? My name's Carla
P12 0260 12    Caneli. This is my town. I sleep with you. You know
P12 0270 10    something more about me every day, don't you? Would
P12 0280  5    you be happier if I made up some stories about my life,
P12 0290  4    told you some lies? Why are you trying to worry me"?
P12 0300  2       "I'm not trying to worry you".
P12 0300  8       "Well, all right then".
P12 0310  4       The cleansing tissues she had been using had been
P12 0320  2    falling on the floor, and he got up and picked up one,
P12 0320 14    then another, hoping she would notice what he was doing.
P12 0330  9    At home he had been a clean orderly man, and now he
P12 0340  8    had to hide his annoyance. Was she just naturally sloppy
P12 0350  3    about everything but her physical appearance? he wondered.
P12 0360  2    Would he have to clean up after her every day, clean
P12 0360 13    the kitchen, the bathroom, and get down on his knees
P12 0370 10    and scrub the kitchen floor, then hang up her dresses,
P12 0380  7    pick up her stockings, make the bed while she lay around?
P12 0390  5    He straightened up, ready to vent his exasperation,
P12 0400  1    then grew afraid. If he dwelt on the indignities he
P12 0400 11    suffered he would lose all respect for her, and without
P12 0410 10    the respect he might lose his view of her, too.
P12 0420  6       "What's the matter"? she asked suddenly.
P12 0430  2       "Nothing. Nothing at all", he said quietly. "Let's
P12 0440  1    go out".
P12 0440  3       "Are those the only shoes you have, Sam"?
P12 0450  1       "What's the matter with them"?
P12 0450  6       "The heavy thick soles. Look at them".
P12 0460  7       "They're an expensive English shoe for walking around
P12 0470  6    a lot. I like them".
P12 0470 11       "Sam, no one around here wears such heavy soles.
P12 0480  9    Can't you get another pair"?
P12 0490  2       "Maybe I could", he said, surprised that she could
P12 0500  2    turn from herself and notice anything about him. "I'll
P12 0500 11    get an elegant pair of thin-soled Italian shoes tomorrow,
P12 0510 10    Carla".
P12 0520  1       "And I don't know why you want to go on wearing
P12 0520 12    that outfit", she said, making a face.
P12 0530  6       "What's the matter with it"? He had put on the gray
P12 0540  7    jacket and the dark-gray slacks and the fawn-colored
P12 0550  3    shirt he had worn that first night in Rome when he
P12 0550 14    had encountered her on the street.
P12 0560  6       "Oh, Sam. You look like a tweedy Englishman. Can't
P12 0570  3    you wear something else and look a little more as though
P12 0580  4    you belonged"?
P12 0580  6       "I don't mind at all", he said, delighted with her
P12 0590  6    attention. Changing his clothes, he put on his dark-blue
P12 0600  5    flannel suit, and laid away the gray jacket with the
P12 0610  1    feeling that he might be putting it aside for good.
P12 0610 11    But it was a hopeful sign, he told himself. She no
P12 0620  7    longer wanted anything about him to remind her of the
P12 0630  5    circumstances of their meeting that first night in
P12 0640  1    Parioli.
P12 0640  2       That day they loafed around, just getting the feel
P12 0650  1    of the city. They looked at the ruins of the old Roman
P12 0650 13    wall on the lower Via Veneto, then they went to the
P12 0660  8    Farnese Gardens. She had some amusing scandal about
P12 0670  4    the Farneses in the old days. Then they took a taxi
P12 0680  3    to Trastevere. "There's a church you should see", she
P12 0690  1    said. And when they stood by the fountain in the piazza
P12 0690 12    looking at Santa Maria he had to keep a straight face,
P12 0700 10    not letting on he had been there with Alberto. He let
P12 0710  6    her tell him all about the church. Then they had dinner.
P12 0720  4    All evening she was eloquent and pleased with herself.
P12 0730  1    When they got home at midnight she was tired out. And
P12 0730 12    in the morning when he woke up at ten the church bells
P12 0740 10    were ringing.
P12 0740 12       He had never heard so many bells, and as he lay
P12 0750 11    there listening, he thought of her scolding him for
P12 0760  6    his remarks when he had looked up at the obelisk and
P12 0770  3    the church at the top of the Spanish Steps. It was
P12 0770 14    a good thing that she clung to her religion, he thought.
P12 0780 10    She might like to take him to St& Peter's.
P12 0790  6       "Carla, wake up", he said shaking her. "It's ten
P12 0800  5    o'clock. Aren't you going out to mass? You could take
P12 0810  4    me to St& Peter's".
P12 0810  8       "Uhhu", she muttered.
P12 0820  2       "Come on, you'll be late".
P12 0820  7       "I think I'll sleep in this morning", she said drowsily,
P12 0830  9    and as she snuggled against him, he wondered if she
P12 0840  7    ever went to church. Why did he want her to go to church?
P12 0850  7    he wondered **h Probably because it was a place where
P12 0860  4    she might get a feeling of certainty and security.
P12 0860 13    It would be good for her. It was too bad he had no
P12 0870 12    feeling himself for church. Not his poor mother's fault.
P12 0880  6    She would have been better off if she had stuck to
P12 0890  6    her Bible. As for himself, he just didn't have the
P12 0900  2    temperament for it. From the time he had been at college
P12 0900 13    he had achieved a certain tranquility and composure
P12 0910  7    by accepting the fact that there were certain things
P12 0920  5    he could never know. Then he thought of those Old Testament
P12 0930  3    figures on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Just
P12 0940  1    figures out of a tribal folklore. Could he honestly
P12 0940 10    believe it would be good for Carla to have those old
P12 0950  9    prophets gripping her imagination now? Being a woman
P12 0960  5    though, she would take only what she needed from church.
P12 0970  3    It was too bad he wasn't a Catholic himself. Or a Protestant,
P12 0980  2    or one of those amusing dogmatic atheists, or a strict
P12 0980 12    orthodox Communist. What was the matter with him that
P12 0990  9    they all wearied him? It was the times, he was sure.
P12 1000  9    All the ideologies changing from day to day, right
P12 1010  5    under his eyes, so how could a man look to any one
P12 1020  1    of them for an enlargement of his freedom? It was all
P12 1020 12    too wearying. Look somewhere else. But where? Just
P12 1030  7    the same, he thought, pondering over it, it would be
P12 1040  6    a good thing for a girl like Carla if she got up and
P12 1050  4    went to church.
P12 1050  7       A half hour later he got her up to go out for breakfast
P12 1060  5    so the Ferraros, hearing them hurrying down the stairs,
P12 1070  2    would think they were going to a late mass. It seemed
P12 1070 13    to him that if the Ferraros felt sure of them, could
P12 1080 10    place them, it would help him to feel more sure of
P12 1090  8    himself with Carla.
P12 1090 11       "Since we're having coffee with them this afternoon",
P12 1100  7    he said, "I think I'll ask the daughter if we can pay
P12 1110  9    her to come in every day to clean for us". And he waited
P12 1120  6    for her to say, "Oh, no, I can do it, Sam. There's
P12 1130  3    so little to do".
P12 1130  7       "Why not"? she said. "I'm not good at that kind
P12 1140  7    of thing".
P12 1140  9       "This afternoon let's take an air with them. Let's
P12 1150  8    be fine superior people of great dignity", he said
P12 1160  5    as if he were joking.
P12 1160 10       "If you find it necessary, Sam, go ahead", she said,
P12 1170  9    turning on the stair. "I am what I am. I can't help
P12 1180  9    it". Her words remained with him, worrying him for
P12 1190  5    hours. He didn't know how she would behave with other
P12 1200  2    people.
P12 1200  3       When they walked into the Ferraro apartment, the
P12 1210  2    old lady, bowing and smiling, said softly. "Ciao,"
P12 1210 10    and put out her hand. Her little brown face wrinkled
P12 1220  9    up, her brown eyes gleamed, and with her little gestures
P12 1230  6    she said all the courteous things. Agnese, smiling
P12 1240  2    too, said, "'Ello", and then more slowly, "I am happy".
P12 1250  3    And they sat down and began their little coffee party.
P12 1260  1    The Ferraros offered them biscuits with the coffee.
P12 1260  9    Acting only as interpreter Carla, her hands folded
P12 1270  6    on her lap, was utterly impersonal. She would turn
P12 1280  4    to them, then turn to him, then turn again. Watching
P12 1290  1    her, he felt like a spectator at a tennis game, with
P12 1290 12    the ball being bounced back and forth. Signora Ferraro,
P12 1300  7    bobbing her head encouragingly, asked Sam about Canada,
P12 1310  5    having a special interest. Carla translated. The old
P12 1320  3    woman had a nephew from North Italy, a poor boy from
P12 1330  1    a lumber mill who had got tired of the seasonal unemployment,
P12 1330 12    and who had migrated to Canada to work on the railway.
P12 1340 10    For a year the boy had lived in the bush in a boxcar.
P12 1350  9    Did many of Sam's countrymen live in boxcars in the
P12 1360  5    bush? Had Sam ever lived in a boxcar? she wanted to
P12 1370  3    know. Regretfully Sam explained that he had no experience
P12 1380  1    with boxcars. Just the same, the old woman said, she
P12 1380 11    would write to her nephew in his boxcar and tell him
P12 1390  8    she had met a nice man from his adopted country. And
P12 1400  3    Sam thanked her, and hoped he might meet her nephew
P12 1410  1    back home, and asked her if she had any further news
P12 1410 12    of the Pope.
P12 1420  1       A very great Pope, this one, the old woman explained,
P12 1420 11    her black eyes sparkling. An intellectual. But very
P12 1430  7    mystical too. It was said that he had had a vision.
P12 1440  8    Just as thousands that day in Portugal had seen the
P12 1450  4    sun dancing in the sky, he had seen the same thing
P12 1450 15    later in his own garden, and she turned to Agnese for
P12 1460 11    confirmation. Agnese had been sitting quietly, listening
P12 1470  6    with the serenity of the unaware. Now a little flush
P12 1480  5    came on her pale homely face and enchantment in her
P12 1490  2    eyes. The Holy Father would die soon, she said to Carla,
P12 1490 13    so she could translate for Sam, although he had a brilliant
P12 1500 10    doctor, a man who did not need the assistance of those
P12 1510  9    doctors offered by the great rulers of the world. Yes,
P12 1520  6    the Pope could die and quickly be made a saint. No,
P12 1530  3    he was indeed a saint now. Nodding approvingly and
P12 1530 12    swelling with importance, the old lady whispered confidentially.
P12 1540  8    There was a certain discontent among the cardinals.
P12 1550  7    The Pope, in the splendor of his great intellect, had
P12 1560  6    neglected them a little. There would be changes made,
P12 1570  2    and Signor Raymond should understand that when the
P12 1570 10    Pope died it was like the end of a regime in Rome.
P12 1580 12    Jobs would be lost and new faces would become prominent.
P12 1590  6       Did Signor Raymond understand? Indeed he did, Sam
P12 1600  5    said solemnly, trying to get Carla's eye. Surely she
P12 1610  4    could see that these women were her Italians, too,
P12 1620  1    he thought. Devout, orthodox and plain like a family
P12 1620 10    she might meet in Brooklyn or Malta or Ireland. But
P12 1630  7    Carla; eyes were on Agnese whose glowing face and softening
P12 1640  6    eyes gave her a look of warmth and happiness. And Carla,
P12 1650  3    watching in wonder, turned to Sam. "It means so much
P12 1660  3    to her. It's like a flame, I guess", she said in a
P12 1660 15    dreamy tone.
P13 0010  1       But one night Dookiyoon moved in the direction of
P13 0010 10    the women's lodge, where Shades of Night had gone to
P13 0020  9    purify herself.
P13 0030  1       With the blue flesh of night touching him he stood
P13 0030 10    under a gentle hill caressing the flageolet with his
P13 0040  6    lips, making it whisper. He saw her emerge suddenly,
P13 0050  3    coming in her unhesitant fashion, her back stiff, her
P13 0060  1    head erect, facing with contempt the night and whatever
P13 0060 10    she would encounter, as if in her extreme disdain and
P13 0070  8    indifference she would pass by all the outraged looks
P13 0080  6    of those whom she might approach. In her dark, scornful
P13 0090  2    fashion she proceeded to her destination, afraid of
P13 0090 10    nothing, not even the evil spirits which kept her company
P13 0100 10    in her time of bleeding.
P13 0110  1       Seeing her come, he caught his breath, feeling his
P13 0110 10    heart bounce in him, and turned away, afraid now. Even
P13 0120 10    he, wanting her, afraid of her and not knowing how
P13 0130  8    to press his suit, feared the evil presences in her
P13 0140  3    metabolism more. His breath caught, and, trembling,
P13 0140 10    he closed his eyes and stumbled off. Going, he saw
P13 0150 10    as often before some queer, hideous yellow face over
P13 0160  6    his head, shining and weird like the old images which
P13 0170  2    had invested him at other times like those that appear
P13 0180  1    sometimes near the eyeballs when they are perhaps pressed
P13 0180 10    by the thumbs.
P13 0190  1       He cried out to her, his back turned. Then he fled,
P13 0190 12    not waiting to see if she minded him or took notice
P13 0200 11    of his cry.
P13 0200 14       But she heard him go. Yet she did not hesitate and
P13 0210 11    only turned slightly, her neck tall as she looked in
P13 0220  8    his direction, and continued on her way toward the
P13 0230  3    end of the camp.
P13 0230  7       Elsewhere others heard and stopped and waited, the
P13 0240  4    women peering from their lodges then gathering in small,
P13 0250  2    curious clusters. Early Spring came from her bed, from
P13 0250 11    beside her half-drunk husband, Walitzee, and stood
P13 0260  8    at the entrance way to her lodge hearing the mild commotion,
P13 0270  7    the sound of hushed voices. Standing there she saw
P13 0280  4    Shades of Night come through the trees and stop beside
P13 0290  2    the lodge, silent, almost imperious, her body taut,
P13 0290 10    simply standing without speaking or moving while the
P13 0300  7    wife of Walitzee waited, perhaps denying the dread
P13 0310  4    that moved in her. When at last she could suffer the
P13 0320  2    insult no longer, nor face the girl's scorn, she said
P13 0320 12    in a voice overloud:
P13 0330  3       "I shall call your father! Go back where you can
P13 0340  3    bring no harm, or I will go and get the old man from
P13 0340 16    his bed so he can see your shame"!
P13 0350  7       But the girl said only, "Tell him I am here, that
P13 0360  6    I have come". And it was not Pile of Clouds she meant.
P13 0370  3       But now with real anger at last, something proud
P13 0380  1    and indignant, Early Spring stood like a she wolf before
P13 0380 11    her den and cried, "I will not shriek at you! I will
P13 0390 11    tell you to go, not begging. Telling you"! And unsheathing
P13 0400  6    the knife she used for curing hides she stepped away
P13 0410  6    from the lodge, holding the knife at her side.
P13 0420  2       "You bring only wickedness", she said and it was
P13 0420 11    not to a child any longer but to another woman who
P13 0430 11    had come to skirt her lodge with the cunning hunger
P13 0440  6    of a wild animal. Speaking in a low voice of loathing
P13 0450  3    she went up to the girl, who stood with the same upright,
P13 0460  1    scornful bearing and did not even look at the knife.
P13 0460 11       "Go take helsq'iyokom, your evil spirit, to the
P13 0470  8    young boys", the woman said. "They do not have to face
P13 0480  9    battle. I will not let your evil in. I will simply
P13 0490  6    kill you first. Now go"!
P13 0490 11       The other women had come close now, their voices
P13 0500  8    murmuring together until they stood buzzing in an angry
P13 0510  6    knot, their threats mingling, rising, nagging at each
P13 0520  3    other, each trying to make her indignation and anger
P13 0520 12    felt. They picked up sticks and hurled them at the
P13 0530 10    girl. The sticks fell like a shower around her and
P13 0540  7    she felt them sting her flesh and send tiny points
P13 0550  2    of pain along her thighs. They were all shouting at
P13 0550 12    her as if she were the embodiment of the evil she brought.
P13 0560 11    But she did not move, taking the words and the sticks
P13 0570  8    in that old defiance of her extreme youth until suddenly
P13 0580  4    Pile of Clouds came howling among them, swinging a
P13 0600  2    great bullhide whip.
P13 0600  5       "Go back to your lodges"! he shouted. "A pack of
P13 0610  5    dogs makes less noise"! He made the long whip sing
P13 0620  3    and snap around their heads so that they ran screaming,
P13 0620 13    some tripping over themselves in their flight. And
P13 0630  8    Early Spring seized the whip and said:
P13 0640  5       "If you must flog someone, let it be her, your daughter.
P13 0650  3    Drive the demons out of her and teach her to stay away
P13 0660  2    from my husband"! But the old man turned on her, jerking
P13 0660 13    the whip from her hand.
P13 0670  5       "Get into your hovel"! he spat. "Go back to that
P13 0680  4    double-married man of yours who so parades his fine
P13 0680 14    body among the young women. Keep him back, if you must
P13 0690 11    tell me what to do. I will be the one to confront my
P13 0700 10    daughter, not the wife of him who leads her to sin"!
P13 0710  5       She retreated before the naked shame in the old
P13 0720  4    man and the fury beyond it and sank into the darkness
P13 0720 15    of her lodge where Walitzee stirred, mumbling, sitting
P13 0730  7    up in a half stupor to say:
P13 0740  3       "What worrisome thing happens? I thought I dreamed
P13 0750  2    of wolves fighting". But she went to him and pressed
P13 0750 12    herself against his nakedness, smelling the stale odor
P13 0760  8    of the whisky he had stolen from TuHulHulZote.
P13 0770  4       She said, "There is nothing that concerns you here.
P13 0780  5    Lie back and go to sleep. But do not dream. Do not
P13 0790  3    let the wicked spirits enter your brain".
P13 0790 10       He sank back, sighing, and was soon asleep again.
P13 0800  7       Outside, the old man, beyond all the curses of the
P13 0810  7    spirits his daughter bore, went to her and twisted
P13 0820  2    the gnarled talons of his fingers in her hair and turned
P13 0820 13    her and pushed her rudely ahead of him into the trees
P13 0830 11    where the moon sent out a thousand arms. And, shoving
P13 0840  7    her against a spruce, her back to him, he retreated
P13 0850  4    with the whip and made it whine and crack in the damp
P13 0860  1    air, shortening its arc until it narrowed to her flesh
P13 0860 11    and the sound of it snarled and cracked, settling its
P13 0870  8    own cruel demons on her shoulders while she stood as
P13 0880  5    unchanged, as dark and motionless as ever, her eyes
P13 0890  2    open and staring at the pale delineaments of the bark
P13 0890 12    so close to her face.
P13 0900  4       She said to him, her father, "How was I begotten,
P13 0910  1    in pain or joy? Is it for me to be forbidden the flesh
P13 0910 14    you made grow on me? They all know your foolish name"!
P13 0920 10       She stared at the pale tracings on the tree, hearing
P13 0930  9    her breath refracted from it, her face close and touching
P13 0940  7    at time the rough edges of the bark. She felt the lash
P13 0950  5    bite and heard her father say in crazed monosyllables
P13 0960  1    words which had no meaning, like, "unnnt! **h sssshoo"!
P13 0960 10    The sounds of an animal in rage and despair.
P13 0970  9       Suddenly the lash stopped fighting the air and she
P13 0980  7    heard Pile of Clouds say in his high, quavering voice:
P13 0990  3       "Did you follow me to see my shame? Move from the
P13 1000  4    line or I will settle the whip on you **h. Move! Do
P13 1010  1    you hear the anger of the whip's whine"?
P13 1010  9       Turning, the girl saw Dookiyoon standing between,
P13 1020  6    his narrow shoulders unbent, his arms hanging long
P13 1030  4    and resigned. He said, "Let me take her blows, for
P13 1040  2    there are demons in me too".
P13 1040  8       Then, without knowing why, she found herself running
P13 1050  5    from them, fleeing wildly through the trees, dodging
P13 1060  2    her own shadows until she came to a little hollow in
P13 1060 13    the rocky ground with a big stone in the center behind
P13 1070 10    which she knelt and hid, listening to the madness of
P13 1080  6    her heart and wanting for once to cry.
P13 1090  1    #/2,#
P13 1090  2    For a while the young men waited outside the lodge
P13 1090 12    of Tu Hul Hul Zote, glorying in his harsh language
P13 1100  9    as he talked with himself. He shouted like a hoarse
P13 1110  6    old mastiff, his hair stiff and bristling. He ranted
P13 1120  3    and prophesied the doom of his enemies, walking in
P13 1120 12    circles in and out of his living place, drinking stolen
P13 1130 10    whisky in great, gasping draughts until finally, incoherent
P13 1140  6    and sick, he fell into his own oblivion. He amused
P13 1150  5    the young men who had been silent long enough. But
P13 1160  2    they could taste the appeasement of violence and retribution
P13 1170  1    through his antics. Now they moved, rubbing their flesh
P13 1170 10    alive again, disdaining the gloom they saw in the faces
P13 1180  9    around them.
P13 1180 11       They came out and held their games and races. It
P13 1190 10    was they who held the future in their hands. They went
P13 1200  7    into the sun together and paraded grandly in their
P13 1210  3    war clothes, painting their faces with the sacred attis
P13 1220  1    dug far off in the cave of skeletons. They danced the
P13 1220 12    paxam wildly at night, the war dance, and dipped their
P13 1230 10    arrowheads in the venom of rattlesnakes and rode their
P13 1240  6    horses in swift maneuvers, firing their few guns in
P13 1250  4    unison at some indeterminate signal.
P13 1250  9       Walitzee was among them, and Sarpsis, and they wore
P13 1260  9    red blankets which flew like broad wings in the air
P13 1270  6    of their passing. And a very young one, Swan Necklace,
P13 1280  2    tried to emulate them and followed timidly. Yellow
P13 1280 10    Wolf was there, nephew of the young chief by an older
P13 1290 11    brother long dead, in whom also the disordered chemistries
P13 1300  7    of youth worked. He would spring bolt upright suddenly
P13 1310  4    after sitting quietly with inaction, because something
P13 1320  2    had boiled over in his fermenting juices.
P13 1320  9       All the young men, Alokut among them, challenged
P13 1330  7    them in matched racing. They raced and maneuvered for
P13 1340  5    war, swinging their horses in single file and then
P13 1350  3    abreast like cavalry. At times they would ride frenziedly
P13 1350 12    through the camp, letting the women see their courage,
P13 1360  9    how handsome they were in their regalia. Then again
P13 1370  7    they would stand in circles making other preparations.
P13 1380  3    They combed their hair and streaked it at the part
P13 1390  1    and greased the bangs so that the hair above their
P13 1390 11    foreheads stood rigid like the tails of sage hens making
P13 1400  9    love.
P13 1400 10       Walitzee whitened his leggings with clay, knowing
P13 1410  6    the girl watched from her place in the trees. He saw
P13 1420  5    himself in a superior reflection, and he was as a speeding
P13 1430  2    arrow from the taut bow, hurtling with a mad grace,
P13 1430 12    his maleness shining and scented with meadow rue. He
P13 1440  8    was always aware of the women's eyes which followed
P13 1450  4    him, admiring him. And the suspicious, envenomed eyes
P13 1460  2    of Pile of Clouds. And those of Early Spring, haunted
P13 1470  1    and now full of hurt and envy. He felt so much like
P13 1480 11    laughing; even like shouting and crying out from the
P13 1490  8    hilltops from which he could descend as an eagle in
P13 1500  5    a mad caper from the cliffs.
P13 1500 11       He and Sarpsis planned a great parade with the young
P13 1510  8    men. They would give one final testimony of their challenge
P13 1520  5    to let the people see their arrogance. They would ride
P13 1530  4    with streaming amulets, their colors ripening in the
P13 1540  1    sun, shouting the last bellicosity of a nation in the
P13 1540 11    throes of death.
P13 1550  1       And so the sun came up again and for a moment its
P13 1550 13    color was the young men's blood, shifting then into
P13 1560  8    the full heat and outcry which ran with their hearts.
P13 1570  6    They mounted their horses and rode off into the hills.
P13 1580  4    #/3,#
P13 1580  5    The young chief stared at the wall of his lodge, listening.
P13 1590  3    The sound rose on the other side of the hills, vanished
P13 1600  1    and rose again and he could imagine the mad, disheveled
P13 1600 11    hoofs of the Appaloosas, horses the white men once
P13 1610  8    had called the Dogs of Hell. He saw them in fleet images
P13 1620  7    as they came rolling and now burst across the ridge.
P13 1630  3    Standing then with the others, peering into the sun,
P13 1640  1    he saw the bright, multicolored legion, their hair
P13 1640  9    flying like dark banners, only the thunder, the roll
P13 1650  6    of drums, the mad cacophony of the hoofs accompanying
P13 1660  3    them. They leaned into the wind and seemed like one
P13 1670  1    thousand-legged monster hurtling and plunging until
P13 1670  8    suddenly they rose straight in their saddles and in
P13 1680  7    one terrifying voice shouted, ejaculated their grotesque
P13 1690  3    cry of war.
P14 0010  1       She was moving through a screen of hemlocks, in
P14 0010 10    among the white birch and maples. The sounds from the
P14 0020  8    quarry began to pulse in her ears. She stood, once
P14 0030  2    more listening. She had never been here at this hour.
P14 0040  2    She felt as if some dark, totally unfamiliar shape
P14 0040 11    would clutch at her arm; but she found the path she
P14 0050 10    always used, the stubs of branches she had broken,
P14 0060  4    those she had pushed aside; and she walked easily now,
P14 0070  2    and more slowly, until she could see the dark glisten
P14 0070 12    of water beneath her.
P14 0080  3       If I ever committed suicide, she thought, I would
P14 0090  2    dive straight down from here- and no one would find
P14 0090 12    me for days. She smiled, and expertly let herself downward,
P14 0100  8    holding this known root or that, her sneakers sliding
P14 0110  7    in the leaves.
P14 0110 10       She jumped out onto the flat expanse of rock and,
P14 0120  9    seating herself, shook her short-cut brown hair and
P14 0130  4    tilted her chin far upward. The reedy music of the
P14 0140  1    frogs had faded, but presently it began again, growing
P14 0140 10    in volume until it was vibrant. Julia felt at peace
P14 0150  8    and drew her legs up and clasped her hands tightly
P14 0160  4    around the bent knees. She had accomplished a miracle.
P14 0170  1    This was her place. The hour couldn't change it **h.
P14 0170 11    Only- only- her thoughts were a little strange. They
P14 0180 11    were becoming confused. Perhaps it was because it was
P14 0190  8    so late, and because she had no business to be here
P14 0200  6    now.
P14 0200  7       She was thinking of Paul a few weeks ago, in the
P14 0210  5    Easter holidays, with her at one of those awful Friday
P14 0220  1    Evening Dancing Class parties her mother had made her
P14 0220 10    attend. "Hello, Julie, how are you"? **h And then off
P14 0230 10    he went so casually, to someone else with breasts better
P14 0240  7    developed, more obvious in a lower-cut dress, someone
P14 0250  5    without a mouthful of wire bands and an inability to
P14 0260  2    find words that would hold him. I wish he was with
P14 0260 13    me now, she thought, and that we were both the ages
P14 0270  9    we are and doing what was once only pretense and acute
P14 0280  5    embarrassment. Oh God! I wish I were older or younger,
P14 0290  4    Julia Bentley thought. I wish so much someone loved
P14 0300  1    me.
P14 0300  2    #CHAPTER 7#
P14 0300  4    George Rawlings remembered seeing the door open sometime
P14 0310  3    during the night- Millie, in a white robe, standing
P14 0320  1    like a ghost at the threshold. She had vanished; he
P14 0320 11    must have slept again. He was staring at the blue china
P14 0330  9    lamp left on beside him. It seemed too much trouble
P14 0340  6    even to reach for the switch; but of course the impossible
P14 0350  3    effort of leaving would have to be made on this Monday
P14 0360  1    morning. This room was like a prison. He would not
P14 0360 11    be indebted to Sam! Below him, as if at the end of
P14 0370 11    some remote tunnel, he heard the humming of a vacuum
P14 0380  6    cleaner. His fingers fumbled across the bandages. They
P14 0390  2    had left both of his eyes uncovered **h. Well, he told
P14 0390 13    himself, let's put the show on the road.
P14 0400  8       He was walking across to the bathroom. He drank
P14 0410  6    a glass of water and gripped the sink with both hands.
P14 0420  3    A fearful pain had come from his head, as if the water
P14 0430  1    were coursing up through the blood vessels and expanding
P14 0430 10    them **h. He recognized his jacket and trousers. The
P14 0450  6    fabric was dark; the stains weren't too apparent; and
P14 0460  4    there were his shoes, thank God, but his shirt was
P14 0470  2    one terrible mess.
P14 0470  5       He shivered, and then tore away the blood-soaked
P14 0480  3    parts and wound the rest around his neck like a scarf.
P14 0490  1    Sam would be amazed to find him gone. Millie would
P14 0490 11    have to understand. She must have put his clothes in
P14 0500  8    the closet. He found a lump rising in his throat because
P14 0510  5    of that one simple act of tidiness. He was on the verge
P14 0520  3    of tears. Alex Poldowski- in a fashion he owed a debt
P14 0530  1    to that effete gentleman. At least Alex had told him
P14 0530 11    he wasn't dying. Perhaps George Rawlings would be better
P14 0540  7    off dead.
P14 0540  9       What time was it? He peered at his wristwatch. Strange,
P14 0550 10    it was still running. A quarter to seven. Too early
P14 0560  7    for a vacuum cleaner, but probably Sam wanted the whole
P14 0570  5    house in order before he came downstairs. He was kneeling
P14 0580  3    to tie his shoelaces. His fingers felt absurdly thick
P14 0590  1    and clumsy. He rose slowly and looked into the mirror
P14 0590 11    on the inside of the closet door. He barely knew himself.
P14 0600  8    This was some freak, two strands of adhesive tape across
P14 0610  6    his nose, like ugly roots from the mass of gauze, suddenly
P14 0620  4    moist over his cheekbones. The surface, however, was
P14 0630  2    perfectly white.
P14 0630  4       He was drinking another glass of water. It was after
P14 0640  4    seven o'clock. He was supposed to be in court this
P14 0640 14    afternoon, at City Hall. Who would take over? He'd
P14 0650  9    have to think, but the main thing, the imperative necessity,
P14 0660  8    was to leave before Sam Bentley was up and about, and
P14 0670  7    before Millie detained him with sympathy.
P14 0680  1       He entered the hallway. He was actually walking
P14 0680  9    down the stairs. A plane up in the sky, above the clouds,
P14 0690 11    and this freakish wreck of a man desperately trying
P14 0700  7    to get away.
P14 0700 10       "Father, is that you"? The voice issued from the
P14 0710  8    cavern of the hall below. George did not reply. "Is
P14 0720  5    that you, Father? **h Who's there"?
P14 0730  1       For a moment he felt like a thief discovered. Then
P14 0730 11    Julia appeared under the arch leading to the dining
P14 0740  9    room. She stood gazing at him.
P14 0750  3       "Uncle George"!
P14 0750  5       He was trying to smile at her.
P14 0760  3       "Gosh! You shouldn't be up, should you"?
P14 0770  1       "I- I was just leaving here, Julie **h. I'm all
P14 0770 10    set. Just about to call a taxi".
P14 0780  6       She was wearing some sort of gray blazer. She seemed
P14 0790  4    overly tall, her brow knitted in concern. "Well, at
P14 0800  2    least you won't have to do that", she was saying. "I'm
P14 0810  1    about to leave myself. I'll drop you off".
P14 0810  9       "You're leaving"?
P14 0820  2       "I'm going back to school", she answered. "Pietro's
P14 0830  2    driving me. I'm just finishing breakfast **h. But have
P14 0840  2    you told Mother you were going"? she asked him.
P14 0840 11       "No **h. I just don't want anyone disturbed, Julie.
P14 0850  9    That's my wish. It's quite a big one", he added.
P14 0860  8       Her face seemed to float in an implausibly bright
P14 0870  6    shaft of sunlight. "Well, won't you come in then, have
P14 0880  5    a cup of coffee- or something? **h Or maybe a drink"?
P14 0890  3    she asked, in a way that seemed oddly sophisticated,
P14 0890 12    considerate, and yet perhaps partly scornful. He tried
P14 0900  8    to see her face more clearly.
P14 0910  3       "No- nothing at all", he said after a moment's hesitation.
P14 0920  2    "I'll just wait for you here".
P14 0920  8       He leaned his head against the wood paneling behind
P14 0930  8    him, but the vivid red images of pain inserted themselves
P14 0940  6    against his eyelids. He raised them. Julia moved past.
P14 0950  4       "I have to say good-by upstairs. I won't be long".
P14 0960  3       "As a great favor, Julie", he said, "please don't
P14 0970  2    mention you've seen me".
P14 0970  6       "Not to anyone"?
P14 0980  1       "No- please **h. "I'll call your mother as soon
P14 0980  9    as I get home. It'll be so much easier".
P14 0990  9       "All right **h" She was staring at him.
P14 1000  6       "I'm fine, Julie **h. Please, you just go ahead".
P14 1010  5       She had disappeared. He could feel a pulse pounding
P14 1020  3    against the bandages. He imagined Sam's voice: "George,
P14 1030  1    what the hell goes on"? I wouldn't have the strength
P14 1040  1    to answer, he thought. Maybe I couldn't have called
P14 1040 10    a taxi.
P14 1050  1       He could hear the footsteps overhead. He saw the
P14 1050 10    suitcase, which Julia was holding. He stood up.
P14 1060  7       "I'll take that, Julie- for you".
P14 1070  5       "Oh no", she said. "I can manage".
P14 1080  1       She went ahead of him. Outside the Lincoln was parked.
P14 1080 11    He could hardly believe he was getting in. Pietro was
P14 1090  9    gazing at him in an insolent, disdainful fashion; but
P14 1100  4    that didn't matter.
P14 1100  7       We'll drop Mr& Rawlings off in Ardmore", Julia said,
P14 1110  9    and for the merest second George was reminded of her
P14 1120  7    father's tone with servants. To the manner born- odd
P14 1130  6    to have such a thought at a time like this; yet her
P14 1140  3    inflection seemed forced or rehearsed. He could not
P14 1140 11    stop to analyze. He had never felt particularly close
P14 1150  9    to her. Carrie seemed more affectionate, but obviously
P14 1160  5    Julia had respected his request. He took her hand.
P14 1170  5       "I wish I didn't have to go back to school", she
P14 1180  2    said, and then, "I wish you lived in New York. That's
P14 1190  1    in the opposite direction".
P14 1190  5       "I wish I did", he responded. "I wish I wasn't wearing
P14 1200  6    this ridiculous costume, and that we could go to a
P14 1210  6    theater together, or a nice restaurant, forget we knew
P14 1220  2    **h" He stopped speaking.
P14 1220  6       "Forget we ever knew what"?
P14 1230  1       "Oh, just sort of everything in general".
P14 1240  1       She said nothing until Pietro had slackened their
P14 1240  8    pace. "I know you feel badly, but that sounds like
P14 1250  7    such a queer thing for you to say".
P14 1260  1       "Does it"? he asked. "Yes, perhaps. I'm supposed
P14 1270  1    to joke about things, aren't I? **h But sometimes life
P14 1275  1    can be rather a disappointing business".
P14 1280  6       His voice seemed thick and purposeless. He relinquished
P14 1290  5    her hand. He could see the stone building where he
P14 1300  3    lived. Just a few more steps **h. Abruptly he reached
P14 1310  1    into his pocket. Yes, there was the key.
P14 1310  9       "Are you positive you'll be all right by yourself"?
P14 1320  7    she asked him.
P14 1320 10       For a moment he smiled. "Yes, Julie dear. You've
P14 1330  8    done me the greatest possible service. By myself I'll
P14 1340  6    be fine".
P14 1340  8       "Take care of yourself then".
P14 1350  4       "I will **h. you, also **h. don't work too hard".
P14 1360  3       It was an automatic phrase; as he crossed through
P14 1370  1    the courtyard he regretted it. He should have discovered
P14 1370 10    a more tender farewell. Someone shouted at him, "Well!
P14 1380  8    Will you look at George Rawlings! What happened to
P14 1390  7    you"?
P14 1390  8       "I bumped into a door handle", George said.
P14 1400  7       Someone laughed. George walked steadily ahead into
P14 1410  5    his entry. His bandages seemed on fire. He had shut
P14 1420  4    his door with the brass number screwed to it. In the
P14 1420 15    kitchenette the raw whiskey made him gasp. Just one
P14 1430  9    or two swallows, he told himself, enough to lessen
P14 1440  6    some of the pain.
P14 1440 10       He was telephoning. "No, Millie, I'm home **h. No,
P14 1450  7    really, right as rain **h. Tell Sam not to worry about
P14 1460  8    the car. I'll get it hauled away **h. No, please- no
P14 1470  4    visit today- I'll be asleep **h. For God's sake, don't
P14 1480  3    worry. That upsets me more than anything **h. Yes,
P14 1485  1    sure, I'll see the doctor- this evening, if you insist
P14 1490 10    **h".
P14 1500  1       There was one more call to make.
P14 1500  8       "Joan, did I wake you"? he asked. "Yes, I thought
P14 1510  6    you'd probably be up **h. Look, sweetheart, some fool
P14 1520  3    was **h. happened to be driving somewhat intoxicated
P14 1530  1    last night. Unfortunately it turned out to be me, but
P14 1530 11    I wouldn't quite put it that way to the boss **h. Oh
P14 1540 11    hell no, I'm not in a hospital. I won't be in town
P14 1550  6    for a couple of days, though, and there's that case
P14 1560  3    I was supposed to handle this afternoon. Too bad a
P14 1560 13    jury isn't involved. I might struggle in for a jury.
P14 1570 10    I'd win hands down. But I thought maybe Tony Elliott
P14 1580  7    could pinch-hit for me. He'll understand- you might
P14 1590  3    give him sort of a tactful nudge. He's got all the
P14 1600  4    facts. I wouldn't want to ask for a postponement- it's
P14 1610  1    really just a routine thing **h. What? **h No, darling
P14 1610 11    I'd rather you didn't come out". A smile pulled at
P14 1620  9    the lower strip of adhesive tape. "Don't even send
P14 1630  6    flowers. I'll see you Wednesday. I'll bribe you with
P14 1640  5    a nice"- He was about to say "double martini" but thought
P14 1650  4    better of it. "I'll take you out to dinner. Okay? **h"
P14 1660  1       He had put down the receiver. A strange relationship
P14 1670  1    between Joan Fulbright and himself. Who knew about
P14 1670  9    it? She lived alone in the older part of the city,
P14 1680 11    in one of those renovated houses whose brick facade
P14 1690  5    some early settler had constructed. She had two tiny
P14 1700  4    rooms on the second floor. She was a clever girl, a
P14 1700 15    most efficient secretary. She let him come and go as
P14 1710 10    he pleased, or as it pleased her. In the office you
P14 1720  8    might have thought them only casual friends; yet if
P14 1730  2    he said: Make an excuse yourself, come out here today,
P14 1740  1    she would have been on the next train- and, similarly,
P14 1740 11    if she had been in need, he would have gone to her.
P15 0010  1    "They make us conformists look good".
P15 0010  7       "That's a peculiar way to think". It wasn't just
P15 0020  7    the obnoxious birds that had ruffled her own feathers,
P15 0030  4    of course; she knew that. It was Jim's "little" sister
P15 0040  2    Myra, the unreliable, irresponsible, forever flyaway,
P15 0050  1    Myra. She's a year older than I am, Lucy told herself.
P15 0060  1       "Come, come", Jim said, jollying Lucy a little.
P15 0060  9    "I love you. Susan ready"?
P15 0070  3       Lucy listened. Obviously, Susan was not. Upstairs,
P15 0080  2    busy feet, showering like raindrops, pattered around
P15 0080  9    her room. Susan would be visiting her grandmother for
P15 0090  9    only a few days, but even at seven she was a prudent
P15 0100  8    soul; she always packed for a lifetime, just in case.
P15 0110  4    "Not yet. Every doll in the house must be going with
P15 0120  2    her".
P15 0120  3       "She'd better step on it. It's a long way to Websterville".
P15 0130  3    Jim's fine young face was an expressive one, too; as
P15 0140  3    he looked at her, it registered anxiety. "You know",
P15 0150  1    he said. "Myra wanted me to thank you for taking Cathy.
P15 0150 12    It'll be only a couple of weeks before she finds a
P15 0160 10    home for them in Paris- but even so, she wants you
P15 0170  7    to know that she's awfully grateful".
P15 0180  1       Lucy did not believe him; Myra appreciated nothing.
P15 0180  9    Jim had put the thanks in his sister's mouth.
P15 0190  8       "Darling"- she said, and the single word mingled
P15 0200  7    love and exasperation in an equal blend. "She should
P15 0210  3    have told me herself. And will it be only a couple
P15 0220  2    of weeks? Remember what happened the last time"?
P15 0230  1       Leaving Cathy with them, Myra had gone out to the
P15 0230 11    Coast for a supposedly brief visit; but she had stayed
P15 0240  7    all winter, and Cathy had stayed all winter too- with
P15 0250  5    them. Lucy suspected that Myra would never have come
P15 0260  3    home if Gregg, Myra's husband, hadn't gone out to fetch
P15 0270  2    her. "That was an awfully long two weeks".
P15 0270 10    ##
P15 0270 11    FOR an otherwise silent moment, Jim's keys jingled
P15 0280  8    nervously in his pocket. "But she promised- This will
P15 0290  7    be different", he said at last. "You've got to admit
P15 0300  7    she was smart to scare up this fine government job
P15 0310  3    over there- she'll get a home for herself and Cathy
P15 0320  1    in no time. You'll see, Myra's settling down". On the
P15 0320 11    defensive, he added, "I wish you'd think what it must
P15 0330 10    be like for her to be without Greg, to be a new widow,
P15 0340 10    a young widow".
P15 0340 13       "It depends on the widow". Lucy had an idea that
P15 0350 10    Myra loved it. And not for one moment did she believe
P15 0360  8    that Myra had settled down. It seemed to Lucy that
P15 0370  5    all their married life, she and Jim had been doing
P15 0380  1    nothing but rescue his sister from the constant crises
P15 0380 10    that were her way of life. Remembering that succession
P15 0390  7    of disasters, she now considered Cathy, an ominous
P15 0400  4    child-cloud on her horizon.
P15 0400  9       It was not that she disliked Cathy. The youngster
P15 0410  8    drew her, troubled her depths; whenever Lucy saw her,
P15 0420  5    she tried, without noise or fuss, to give her the warmth
P15 0430  4    she had never had from Myra. But Cathy was Myra's responsibility,
P15 0440  2    not hers.
P15 0440  4       "I wouldn't even be surprised", she said unhappily,
P15 0450  4    "if Myra tried to leave her with us forever". Myra
P15 0460  2    loved big cities; thousands of miles away- in Paris,
P15 0470  1    of all places- she might forget she had ever been a
P15 0470 12    mother. Lucy knew her too well to find it impossible.
P15 0480  9       "That's a horrible thing to accuse her of"! Jim
P15 0490  7    was so indignant it was obvious that no matter what
P15 0500  4    he said, he too had seen the looming specter of a forever-Cathy.
P15 0510  1    He went to the foot of the stairs and shouted up, fiercely,
P15 0520  1    "Susan! Susan! Get moving"!
P15 0520  5       A startled piping sound returned.
P15 0530  3       "Don't yell at us", Lucy said. Was it only a few
P15 0540  5    nights ago that they had been standing together in
P15 0540 14    front of the house looking at the moon-washed river?
P15 0550 10    Their arms around each other, they had been talking
P15 0560  7    of the present and the future; their talk and their
P15 0570  5    feeling had been as deep and warm, as steeped in light,
P15 0580  2    as the air around them. Then, from within the still,
P15 0580 12    sleeping house, the telephone had rung; Myra, with
P15 0590  8    her news, was on the other end of the line.
P15 0600  5       Jim turned back from the stairway and looked at
P15 0610  2    her. His dark brows, which had been lowered in anger,
P15 0610 12    smoothed. "Please", he said. "There isn't a chance
P15 0620  8    of Myra's letting anything like that happen. Let's
P15 0630  6    stay friends".
P15 0630  8       But they weren't just friends, Lucy thought; they
P15 0640  7    were husband and wife, and Myra had no right muddling
P15 0650  7    and chilling their marriage. The only thing that had
P15 0660  4    ever come between them was that worthless, selfish
P15 0660 12    sister of his. Lucy was sick of it.
P15 0670  8       "Well, at last", she said, because Susan was clattering
P15 0680  5    down the stairs.
P15 0680  8    ##
P15 0680  9    SUSAN looked like an overwhelmed baby nurse; her arms
P15 0690  9    were straining with a burden of dolls. "I'm ready",
P15 0700  7    she announced.
P15 0700  9       "Do you need that big bundle"? Jim said. His voice
P15 0710  9    had sharp edges, as though he knew very well Lucy and
P15 0720  8    he were not friends at the moment. "All that junk"?
P15 0730  4       Susan stared at him with hurt blue eyes that gushed
P15 0740  3    an instant grief; to her, each of her dolls was a real
P15 0750  1    person with a living heart.
P15 0750  6       "Now, now", Lucy said, approaching Susan with a
P15 0760  4    handkerchief, mopping skillfully. "Your father didn't
P15 0770  2    mean it, Susan". She gave Jim a quick, shape-up look
P15 0770 13    of warning. "He'll take every one of them".
P15 0780  8       Jim groaned, but he lifted Susan's suitcase and
P15 0790  7    said, in a gentler tone, "Sure- the entire thousand.
P15 0800  6    And when you get back from Grandma's, Cathy will be
P15 0810  3    here to play with you. Nice"?
P15 0810  9       "No", Susan said, grappling with her outsized armload
P15 0820  7    of dolls with a Scrooge-like effect.
P15 0830  2       And at this point, Lucy thought, there should be
P15 0840  1    a lecture on little cousins' sharing dolls- but she
P15 0840 10    could sympathize with Susan; there ought to be a limit
P15 0850  9    to sharing, too.
P15 0860  1       That was one more reason she didn't look forward
P15 0860 10    to Cathy's visit, short or long; the last one had been
P15 0870  9    a Lilliputian war. She suspected that Cathy had been
P15 0880  5    competing with Susan for attention that she had never
P15 0890  3    had.
P15 0890  4       "Well", Jim said, out of the silence, "let's get
P15 0900  2    going, dolls and all".
P15 0900  6       When the car, with Susan's hands waving wildly from
P15 0910  5    the rear window, disappeared down the driveway, Lucy
P15 0920  3    stood looking after its pale dust. The day was brilliant
P15 0930  1    around her- flower-scented, crisp with breeze- yet
P15 0930  9    her inner turmoil darkened it. She had let Jim go with
P15 0940  9    a chilly good-by, a chillier kiss. She was sorry, and
P15 0950  6    angry at herself, because never in their life together
P15 0960  3    had she done that. She turned and began to walk toward
P15 0970  1    the house.
P15 0970  3       At the feeding station, the raffish group of cowbirds
P15 0980  1    again bobbed and gobbled over the ground, but now,
P15 0980 10    gorgeous among them, was a beautiful red cardinal,
P15 0990  7    radiant in its feathered vestments. The handsome bird
P15 1000  4    was solitary; its mate must be at home, silently guarding
P15 1010  2    their nest. She had better stay there, Lucy thought;
P15 1010 11    the sly female cowbirds took instant advantage of nests
P15 1020  9    without sentinels.
P15 1030  1       Well, Lucy? she said to herself, abandoning the
P15 1030  9    cardinals and the cowbirds. She had a day of things
P15 1040 10    to do; among them, she had to prepare the guest room.
P15 1050  7    How long would it be occupied? she wondered, with a
P15 1060  4    baffled feeling of helplessness. As long as the unscrupulous
P15 1070  1    Myra chose? For a moment, her mind returned again to
P15 1070 11    the strange, flying world of birds, and she said to
P15 1080 10    herself. It isn't only birds that dump their children
P15 1090  7    in other people's nests **h.
P15 1100  1       In the sunshine of late afternoon, Lucy stood looking
P15 1100 10    at the ready guest room. There were new yellow curtains,
P15 1110  8    bright as a child's life ought to be, a new bedspread,
P15 1120  8    lively with hopping rabbits, and hanging from the ceiling
P15 1130  4    was an airy Mother Goose Mobile, spinning slowly in
P15 1140  2    the breeze. A row of little hangers waited for a child's
P15 1140 13    clothes in the neatly empty closet; since Myra had
P15 1150  9    always put most of Greg's money on her own back, Lucy
P15 1160  8    suspected that no more than a few of that long row
P15 1170  6    would be needed. The closet was faintly fragrant with
P15 1180  2    lavender, and as Lucy shut the door an unhappy memory
P15 1180 12    slipped into her mind, like a lavender ghost: Greg's
P15 1190  8    house, on the day he was buried, and the child, pale,
P15 1200  7    silent, baffled, watching the funeral guests with panicky
P15 1210  4    eyes. Many times since his death that memory had worried
P15 1220  2    and troubled her.
P15 1220  5       Out in the hall, the upstairs phone shrilled, and
P15 1230  3    the small ghost vanished. When she picked up the receiver,
P15 1240  1    her mother's cheerful voice was there.
P15 1240  7       "Websterville Junction calling", she said. "I just
P15 1250  7    thought I'd let you know. Myra dropped Cathy this morning,
P15 1260  6    and Jim picked Cathy up and left Susan a few hours
P15 1270  5    ago. I'd have phoned sooner but I've been busy".
P15 1280  2       "I can imagine"! Susan was an active character;
P15 1290  1    for Mother to be able to call, Susan must be napping
P15 1290 12    now, surrounded by her multitude of dolls. Lucy drew
P15 1300  8    out the chair and sat down; she relaxed a little, and
P15 1310  6    some of the tension went out of her. You could think
P15 1320  3    yourself as grown up as Methuselah, yet the maternal
P15 1320 12    voice still kept its comforting magic. "How was Cathy"?
P15 1340  1       "Subdued. But Myra was the merriest widow I ever
P15 1340  9    saw".
P15 1340 10       On her way to the airport, on her way to Paris-
P15 1350 11    you bet, Lucy said to herself. "I've been fixing up
P15 1360  7    the guest room for Cathy".
P15 1370  1       There was a momentary pause, and then her mother
P15 1370 10    said, "How long is she supposed to stay"?
P15 1380  6       "Just for a couple of weeks, till Myra finds a place
P15 1390  6    for them".
P15 1390  8       "Well"- This time there was a long silence, while
P15 1400  7    the telephone hummed faintly with a voiceless life.
P15 1410  4       Puzzled, Lucy stared at the flowered wallpaper;
P15 1420  1    her mother was forthright; she was not usually given
P15 1420 10    to mysterious silences. Was she thinking along the
P15 1430  7    same lines Lucy was- that it was quite possible Cathy
P15 1440  6    might be left with her for good? "You mean once Myra
P15 1450  4    gets to Paris"? Once the soft, pretty moth found the
P15 1460  3    bright light she had always wanted?
P15 1460  9       Suddenly, seekingly, Lucy asked, "Mother, do you
P15 1470  6    know something I don't know"?
P15 1480  1       Again there was that curious pause, and then her
P15 1480 10    mother said, "I guess I do. Just before Myra left-
P15 1490 10    She was saying good-by to Cathy, and she didn't realize
P15 1500  7    I was near". She hesitated, as though hunting over
P15 1510  5    words and ways of putting them. "Cathy was in tears,
P15 1520  3    of course, and I heard Myra say, 'Now be good, and
P15 1520 14    at Christmastime I'll send you a wonderful present
P15 1530  8    from Paris'".
P15 1540  1       Shocked speechless, Lucy sat there. Then she jumped
P15 1540  9    to her feet, the elastic phone cord uncoiling like
P15 1550  8    a black snake. "Christmastime!" Then it was no bogey
P15 1560  6    she had dreamed up; it was only too true. Myra had
P15 1570  6    no intention whatever of sending for Cathy in two weeks.
P15 1580  3       For a moment, anger darkened the hallway about her,
P15 1590  1    and when she found her voice, anger thickened it. "That
P15 1590 11    does it"! she said. "I'll keep Cathy for two weeks.
P15 1600  9    Then, if Myra does nothing about fetching her, I'll
P15 1610  7    pack her right back to her mother- if I have to take
P15 1620  8    her myself"! Her hand tightened on the receiver. "And
P15 1630  3    that's what I'm going to tell Jim". For Lucy, the day's
P15 1640  4    nagging to-and-fro had come to an abrupt end.
P15 1650  1       As she hung up, she saw through the hall's open
P15 1650 11    window the purple-black flying of the cowbirds' wings,
P15 1660  6    and heard their grotesque singing. Cowbird Myra! She's
P15 1670  4    not going to get away with it.
P15 1670 11    ##
P15 1680  1    CATHY is tired, Lucy thought, watching them come slowly
P15 1680 10    up the path. The child's thin legs were plodding. She
P15 1690  9    trudged along slowly, both hands clutching a tired
P15 1700  6    teddy bear. She was at the moment just a small, walking
P15 1710  4    package, being delivered to her aunt's and uncle's
P15 1720  1    house. Unlike Susan, she was traveling light; the worn
P15 1720 10    teddy bear, a tiny suitcase that Jim carried, and the
P15 1730 10    clothes she wore, were all she had. Lucy glancing at
P15 1740  7    the miniature case, knew there would not be enough
P15 1750  4    in it for the shortest of stays; they would have to
P15 1760  2    buy things for her. She opened the door.
P16 0010  1       Unimpressed, the dog plopped on the sand. Quint
P16 0010  9    couldn't blame Maggie for disbelieving. For eleven
P16 0020  6    days they'd done the same thing, leaving the cottage
P16 0030  5    quietly before breakfast, before Esperanza Beach got
P16 0040  3    jammed with tourists and beach balls and show-offy
P16 0040 12    lifeguards. The swirling sand made Quint's limp more
P16 0050  8    pronounced. They walked slowly past the sherbet-colored
P16 0060  6    cottages- eleven lemon, nine mint, seven orange- around
P16 0070  4    the curve to a deserted stand with an "Eats" sign jiggling
P16 0080  3    in the wind.
P16 0080  6       Now they were in friendly territory. Nobody around.
P16 0090  3    Nothing but sand and a ridge of rocks sloping jaggedly
P16 0100  2    to the water's edge. His rock was to the right of a
P16 0110  1    ~V-shaped inlet, a big, brown, lumpy rock trailing
P16 0110 10    seaweed whiskers. His rock was special because no one
P16 0120  8    on the beach could see him here. Here he was enclosed
P16 0130  5    and safe. (If a dragon or a sea monster came along,
P16 0140  2    didn't he have a red Swiss hunting knife on his belt-
P16 0140 13    ten blades and a corkscrew?)
P16 0150  5       Here was a perfect place to lie down and make believe.
P16 0160  5    He was Canute controlling the waves. He was a knight
P16 0170  3    of the Round Table, "Sir Quintus the Brave", slaying
P16 0180  1    evil spirits and banshees and vampires and witches
P16 0180  9    with warty noses. (One good thing about a suit of armor,
P16 0190  9    his leg wouldn't show.) He was the first astronaut
P16 0200  5    on the moon, chosen because of his small size and intrepid
P16 0210  3    nature. He was six feet one like his father, with big
P16 0220  1    hands and a hairy chest, a man the weak and persecuted
P16 0220 12    would turn to. Fearless. Every night when he wanted
P16 0230  7    a drink of water, didn't he practice being fearless
P16 0240  3    by not turning on the bathroom light? A dark bathroom
P16 0250  2    can be pretty scary, and he'd creep back to bed, proud
P16 0250 13    of himself, thinking: Tomorrow, for sure, I'll go down
P16 0260  9    to the rock and keep my promise to Dad.
P16 0270  7       He hadn't intended to make the promise. It happened
P16 0280  4    two weeks ago, the night before his father left on
P16 0290  2    a business trip to South America. Every piece of the
P16 0290 12    nightmare was clear, in place; and when he woke up,
P16 0300  9    his father was saying, "Stop screaming, Quint. It's
P16 0310  4    all right. Stop shaking".
P16 0320  1       He could remember the feel of his father's big hands,
P16 0320 10    the thump of his father's heart sending out signals-
P16 0330  6    regular, like radar. "Let's talk about the beach. Son.
P16 0340  6    While I'm gone you get brown and fat as a pig, hear?
P16 0350  6    Look, I can put two fingers between the cords in the
P16 0360  3    back of your neck. Dr& Fortman says swimming would
P16 0360 12    help your leg. He says you're limping more than you
P16 0370  9    need to".
P16 0370 11       "How does he know? Big dumb nut. He never had polio".
P16 0380 11       In the light from the bedside table his father looked
P16 0390 10    so worried that the promise spilled out. "You just
P16 0400  6    wait, Dad. When you get back I'll probly be swimming
P16 0410  4    better than Victoria. Wait and see, Dad".
P16 0420  1       Victoria was fourteen months younger than Quint,
P16 0420  8    a head taller, and could lick any boy or girl on the
P16 0430 10    beach. He called her "Fatso". She called him "Stuck-up-
P16 0440  6    that's why nobody plays with you, Mister Stuck-up".
P16 0450  5    Or, what was worse, she prayed for him out loud at
P16 0460  3    bedtime: "Please, Lord Gord, please give my brother
P16 0460 11    the strength to go swimming like he promised".
P16 0470  8       "She's got a nerve". Quint said now to the clouds.
P16 0480 10    Strength began to zip up and down his chest. He felt
P16 0490  8    strong as a giant. He unlaced his high brown shoes
P16 0500  3    and took off the metal brace on his leg. He wadded
P16 0500 14    his sweat shirt into a ball and stripped down to his
P16 0510 11    swimming trunks.
P16 0520  1       "Goolick, goooolick", creaked a sea gull.
P16 0520  7       "Aw, shut up", he said.
P16 0530  4       He stood on the rock, a skinny, dignified boy surrounded
P16 0540  2    by the ocean. The wind bored a hole between his shoulder
P16 0540 13    blades, and when he looked at the choppy waves coming
P16 0550 10    and going and crossing each other he could see his
P16 0560  7    head down there, bleeding, wedged between the rocks
P16 0570  3    and the waves.
P16 0570  6       I can't go in. I'm scared of the nightmare.
P16 0580  4    ##
P16 0580  5    Shivering, he put on his clothes. And shivering with
P16 0590  2    shame, he crawled to the narrow end of the rock and
P16 0590 13    spat into the water.
P16 0600  4       "Watch it, big shot", a hoarse voice yelled back.
P16 0610  2    She was holding on to his rock with one hand. She smelled
P16 0610 14    of peppermints. She wore a bathing suit like his mother's,
P16 0620 10    no straps on the shouders.
P16 0630  4       "Why didn't you duck"? he snapped. "This is my rock".
P16 0640  5       "Isn't".
P16 0640  6       "Is".
P16 0650  1       "Isn't".
P16 0650  2       "Is".
P16 0650  3       She was sore as a boil. "Ever hear of squatter's
P16 0660  4    rights"?
P16 0660  5       "Sure. They started with the Kansas-Nebraska Bill
P16 0670  6    of eighteen"-
P16 0670  8       "Mister Big Britches, aren't you"?
P16 0680  5       "I'm Mark Gordon Peters the Fifth. They call me
P16 0690  6    Quint".
P16 0690  7       "Then why don't you stop squinting"?
P16 0700  4       "I said Quint. That's short for Quintus. Quintus
P16 0710  3    in Latin means"-
P16 0710  6       "I can speak both kinds of Latin, smart aleck".
P16 0720  6    Her cough sounded like cloth ripping.
P16 0730  1       "You shouldn't smoke so much", he said, unconsciously
P16 0740  1    imitating Victoria's holier-than-thou voice.
P16 0740  7       "I don't smoke". She was horrified. "Do you"?
P16 0750  7       "Hell, yes". Not having said "hell" before, he stumbled
P16 0760  8    a bit before gathering momentum. "Sometimes eleven,
P16 0770  4    fourteen a day".
P16 0770  7       "If I was your mama, I'd wop your tail off".
P16 0780  9       "My mother never wops me. I've got this leg brace".
P16 0790  8       She seemed so unimpressed that he was obliged to
P16 0800  6    roll up his blue jeans so she could see his brace.
P16 0810  3       "Dingy-looking", was what she said. "Why don't you
P16 0820  2    paint it red and white like a barber pole"?
P16 0820 11       "Because maybe I won't have to wear it always. Dr&
P16 0830 10    Fortman says if I exercise my leg more, maybe I can
P16 0840  9    use a cane when I'm big".
P16 0850  1       She spouted a mouthful of water into the air. "A
P16 0850 11    cane's mighty handy. Someone's walking past, you want
P16 0860  7    to stop him, zoooop, snag him around the neck with
P16 0870  7    the crook in your cane. Or say a waiter brings you
P16 0880  3    a bowl of soup with a dead fly in it- all you got to
P16 0890  1    do is bannnnnng, stooooomp your cane on the floor **h.
P16 0900  8    Hey, will you look at that"?
P16 0910  5       Maggie had shaken himself awake and was licking
P16 0920  2    the sand off his stubby whiskers and his long plume
P16 0920 12    of a tail.
P16 0930  1       "That's some dog. What kind"?
P16 0930  6       "Part collie, part wire-haired terrier". Quint glared.
P16 0940  7    He always did when people asked.
P16 0950  2       "Holy mackerel, that's the most unique dog I ever
P16 0960  2    saw", she said firmly.
P16 0960  6       "His real name's DiMaggio, only we call him Maggie
P16 0970  6    because he has to take tranquilizers. He's braver than
P16 0980  3    he looks. He's been sick lately. Last Tuesday he went
P16 0990  2    on a ham jag".
P16 0990  6       "A what"?
P16 0990  8       He would have told her, but Victoria was yodeling.
P16 1000  6    That meant "Mama wants you Quint. Come home or I'll
P16 1010  5    come find you".
P16 1010  8       "I gotta go. Even though this is my rock, you can
P16 1020  9    use it sometimes. I come early in the morning".
P16 1030  4       "So do I. See you around, Mister Squint".
P16 1040  1    ##
P16 1040  2    That was how they started being friends. They met next
P16 1050  1    morning and all the mornings thereafter. Same time,
P16 1050  9    early, before the fog burned off, because she didn't
P16 1060  8    like the sun; it made her blister. Her name was Sabella,
P16 1070  6    and the strip of seaweed around her neck was an emerald
P16 1080  4    necklace the King gave her as a token of his undying
P16 1090  1    love.
P16 1090  2       "You going to marry the King"? "No. He's got a long
P16 1100  4    beard and picks his teeth with a fork. My hair is what
P16 1100 16    he's nuts about. Naturally curly hair runs in my family.
P16 1110 10    Personally, I prefer straight hair like yours, but
P16 1120  8    as they say on the Continent, 'What can one do'"?
P16 1130  1       "Which continent"?
P16 1140  1       "Name one, I been there". Japan, she said, smelled
P16 1140 10    pugh because people let dead fish lie on the beaches
P16 1150  9    till the fish got hard as rocks; then they scraped
P16 1160  5    off the mold and made fish soup. Pugh. Camels in Tripoli
P16 1170  4    had harelips. Near Galway the tinkers drove their caravans
P16 1180  2    down to the beach and sang and drank and fought all
P16 1180 13    night. As for dancing- holy mackerel, he ought to see
P16 1190 10    the gypsies in Jerez; they danced on the sand till
P16 1200  7    your blood got hot and danced with them.
P16 1210  2       "Really". Quint smothered a yawn. She made better
P16 1220  1    pictures than any book he'd read, but he didn't say
P16 1220 11    so. Artfully, as the days went by, he found occasion
P16 1230  9    to tell her that his father had won the Navy Cross
P16 1240  5    in the Korean War; that his baby sister could spit
P16 1250  2    up through her nose when she felt like it; that he
P16 1250 13    personally had an ~IQ of 141 and was currently reading
P16 1260 10    the Mushr to Ozon volume of the encyclopedia.
P16 1270  5       "Books are for schnooks". She skipped a piece of
P16 1280  5    water at him and laughed, a funny, hoarse laugh he
P16 1290  1    liked to hear.
P16 1290  4       Nobody ever appreciated his jokes as much as Sabella.
P16 1300  2    ("What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? Let's
P16 1310  1    get dressed up- the doctor's taking us out tonight".
P16 1310 10    And "What time did the Chinaman go to the dentist?
P16 1320  9    Tooth-hurty".) Encouraged by her giggles he imitated
P16 1330  6    Maggie who was crazy about ham. He described the ham
P16 1340  4    decorated with pineapple and cherries, cooling on the
P16 1350  2    porch. He snuck up on the ham like Maggie, gumming
P16 1350 12    it with soft, stumpy teeth, then panting with thirst,
P16 1360  7    lapping up the water in the lagoon, swelling up like
P16 1370  4    a balloon, staggering home to be sick, while his mother
P16 1380  2    said, "That does it. That dog has to go".
P16 1390  1       "Say, you're quite a comic", Sabella said admiringly.
P16 1390  9    "Ever thought about going on the stage"?
P16 1400  7       He hadn't. But it was such a nice thought that he
P16 1410  8    nodded his head. "Either that or a veterinarian".
P16 1420  3       "Better make up your mind, son", Sabella said. "You
P16 1430  3    can't serve cod and salmon".
P16 1430  8       Sometimes they argued. She said sharks have no bones
P16 1440  8    and shrimp swam backward. His encylopedia agreed with
P16 1450  4    Sabella. Next morning he tied a bunch of sea daisies
P16 1460  3    with string and threw them across the ~V-shaped inlet
P16 1460 13    to the rock where she was swimming around. Boy, could
P16 1470 10    she catch! Like Willie Mays in the outfield.
P16 1480  6       "Nobody gave me flowers before. Thank you, Quint".
P16 1490  4    Her face turned pink with pleasure and a smothered
P16 1500  2    cough. "You can always tell a real gentleman- they
P16 1500 11    got a certain je ne say quok".
P16 1510  7       Sometimes they didn't talk at all. He daydreamed
P16 1520  5    on the rock while she swam and splashed around. Once
P16 1530  2    when she asked why he never went swimming and he answered,
P16 1530 13    "Don't feel like it", he was tempted to tell her about
P16 1540 11    being scared. But Victoria began yodeling just then
P16 1550  7    and he went home, carrying Sabella in the back of his
P16 1560  7    head, not thinking about her, just knowing she was
P16 1570  3    there, smiling, smelling of peppermints. As for his
P16 1570 11    promise- oh, he had plenty of time, buckets of time.
P16 1580 12    ##
P16 1580 13    Wednesday morning it happened. They were eating breakfast.
P16 1590  7    "We beseech thee, Lord Gord, to bless this food"- that
P16 1600  7    was Victoria saying grace while the baby sprayed raisin
P16 1610  5    toast on her plastic bib. Same old breakfast till the
P16 1620  3    phone rang, making his mother's voice shake with excitement.
P16 1630  1       "Your Daddy's in San Francisco", she told them.
P16 1640  2    "He says he'll be here on the one-o'clock plane. Fifteen
P16 1650  1    days early- isn't that wonderful"?
P16 1650  6       "Yeah, keen". A cave seemed to be opening in Quint's
P16 1660  9    stomach.
P16 1660 10       "Children, we'll have to get organized. The baby
P16 1670  8    can have an early nap. Victoria, I want you to **h"
P16 1680  6       Quint closed the screen door quietly so Maggie wouldn't
P16 1700  1    be scared. "Hurry up, we're late", he said, noticing
P16 1710  3    with a chill how gray the sky was this morning, the
P16 1710 14    fog like a rope along the horizon, the choppy waves
P16 1720 10    sending off sheets of blue and Kool-Aid green.
P16 1730  6       The cave in his stomach hurt. He had to go into
P16 1740  5    the water. He'd tell Sabella about the nightmare. It
P16 1750  1    had started two years ago when he was in an iron lung.
P16 1750 13    What caused it, he didn't know. The metal collar gagging
P16 1760  9    his neck? Sweating so much? The unbearable weight on
P16 1770  7    his chest? All of it together meant drowning. The first
P16 1780  5    time the nurse took him out of the lung, she said if
P16 1790  3    he got frightened, she'd put him back for a second.
P17 0010  1    ##
P17 0010  2    When Bobbie Evans smashed up his car, the Jaguar his
P17 0010 12    wife Linda had given him for his last birthday, and
P17 0020  9    himself quite thoroughly with it, driving back from
P17 0030  6    an afternoon's golf at Oakmont, it seemed to mark the
P17 0040  4    end of a long, miswritten chapter in the social life
P17 0040 14    of the community. Linda looked remote yet lovely in
P17 0050  9    black, and everyone held his or her breath.
P17 0060  6       Not that Linda was heartless, not that she would
P17 0070  3    do anything prematurely or in bad taste any more than
P17 0070 13    John Cooper would. Hadn't Linda been a perfect wife
P17 0080  9    to Bobbie, who was the least bit of a disappointment
P17 0090  8    all these years?
P17 0090 11       Wasn't John Cooper even more attractive at forty-seven
P17 0100  9    than he had been twenty-five years earlier? And wasn't
P17 0110  7    John's wife, Edythe, even more appalling, if possible?
P17 0120  6    Didn't John Cooper, after all this time, deserve something
P17 0130  5    better of life? Wasn't it adult and realistic to look
P17 0140  4    at it that way? And romantic?
P17 0140 10       Everybody knew that John Cooper had married Edythe
P17 0150  8    on the rebound. It was the kind of thing that could
P17 0160  7    ruin a man's life, and it was a tribute to John's strength
P17 0170  4    of character and very real business ability that it
P17 0180  2    hadn't ruined his. "Of course, there was nothing you
P17 0180 11    could do, but you still ought to be ashamed of yourself
P17 0190 11    for letting it happen", Mousie Chandler said to Linda
P17 0200  6    Stuart. "Poor John"! Linda accepted the reproach, which
P17 0210  5    was something she did rarely in all her life and most
P17 0220  5    rarely in that summer of 1936 when she was by all odds
P17 0230  1    the prettiest and brightest young woman west of the
P17 0230 10    Allegheny Mountains, and John was surely one of the
P17 0240  8    handsomer and brighter young men around Pittsburgh.
P17 0250  4       For it had been John and Linda ever since she had
P17 0260  4    come out two seasons before at the Golf Club to the
P17 0260 15    goggle-eyed admiration not only of the stag line but
P17 0270  9    even of her fellow debs. John had claimed her from
P17 0280  7    the stag line, a young man a year out of Dartmouth
P17 0290  3    with skiing crinkles still around his eyes.
P17 0290 10       You saw them always together those years. You talked
P17 0300  9    about John-and-Linda as an entity. John-and-Linda were
P17 0310  8    at Longue Vue last night; John-and-Linda drove to Conneaut
P17 0320  7    in three and a half hours. Then there was a spat over
P17 0330  5    something, as there had been lovers' spats before;
P17 0340  1    only this one didn't heal.
P17 0340  6       You still said "John-and-Linda", but as if you were
P17 0350  6    speaking of a national catastrophe such as the depression
P17 0360  4    or Dillinger. It got worse instead of better. First,
P17 0370  1    it came out after Mr& Cooper's will was settled- he
P17 0370 11    had died the year before- that John and his mother
P17 0380  9    weren't rich any more. And then there was Linda's engagement
P17 0390  7    to Bobbie Evans.
P17 0400  1       There was no connection between the two events,
P17 0400  9    because Bobbie wasn't rich, either, though he was more
P17 0410  7    aggressive than John. He was a bright and handsome
P17 0420  5    young man from New York, who worked for the same steel
P17 0430  2    company as John did.
P17 0430  6       Some people said Linda had just announced the engagement
P17 0440  4    to jolt John into some action, but when John came home
P17 0450  3    from a business trip to Cleveland with Edythe, with
P17 0450 12    Edythe his bride, it could no longer be John-and-Linda
P17 0460 11    even to sentimental wishful thinkers. It wasn't even
P17 0470  6    John and Edythe. It was simply Poor John.
P17 0480  3       There was nothing specifically wrong with Edythe,
P17 0490  1    but there was absolutely nothing right about her either.
P17 0490 10    Mousie Chandler had been to school with her someplace
P17 0500  9    near Baltimore and tried to explain rather than defend
P17 0510  7    her to the gang having lunch at Horne's.
P17 0520  1       "Well, you shouldn't underestimate Edythe", Mousie
P17 0530  2    said. "I know she gives the impression of being shallow
P17 0530 12    and frivolous and scatterbrained. She is frivolous
P17 0540  7    and scatterbrained, but she really isn't shallow"**h.
P17 0550  5       Bobbie and Linda looked magnificent at their wedding.
P17 0560  5    John was at the church with Edythe. She giggled during
P17 0570  3    the ceremony, and Mousie Chandler, who was one of Linda's
P17 0580  2    bridesmaids, said John glared black as death at her.
P17 0580 11    "As if he were choking", she said. "Poor John"!
P17 0590  9       Edythe settled down to become a social myth and
P17 0600  9    a horrible example. Her hair never seemed to be in
P17 0610  6    place and her skirts were never quite the correct length.
P17 0620  2    She didn't have a bad shape when you caught her at
P17 0620 13    the pool at Longue Vue, but her bathing suits were
P17 0630 10    far from smart. And you didn't see her much at Longue
P17 0640  8    Vue or anywhere, for John had drifted away from the
P17 0650  4    gang. Mousie said it was because he was too proud to
P17 0660  2    stand pity. Others thought he couldn't stand seeing
P17 0660 10    Linda, Mrs& Bobbie Evans, still so beautiful, so much
P17 0670  8    in command of everything.
P17 0680  1       There were less-dramatic reasons too. John's mother
P17 0690  1    died not long after his marriage, and there was even
P17 0690 11    less Cooper money left. John sold the big old place
P17 0700  8    in Sewickley and bought a smaller house in Fox Chapel.
P17 0710  5    He was not reduced to poverty, but his job at the steel
P17 0720  4    company had become a real job and not a method of passing
P17 0730  1    the day.
P17 0730  3       John was good at his job. It probably wasn't hard
P17 0740  1    for him to keep his nose to the grindstone with nothing
P17 0740 12    but Edythe to come home to. Though that may be unfair
P17 0750 10    since Ben Cooper, John's first son, came along early
P17 0760  6    in 1938, the cutest baby you ever saw and a blessing
P17 0770  4    that he looked all Cooper from fontanel to pink toes,
P17 0780  1    nary a trace of Edythe.
P17 0780  6       But the continuing charm of the other children-
P17 0790  1    Sally in 1940 and Jack in 1944- and all John's success
P17 0800  1    at his work only made Edythe's dizziness and general
P17 0800 10    uselessness more glaring. She never could fit into
P17 0810  8    a crowd which had known, which still knew and admired
P17 0820  5    Linda.
P17 0820  6       When there was bridge at Edythe's house, the cards
P17 0830  4    shuffled like wet graham crackers and the food probably
P17 0840  2    was wet graham crackers. She managed a missionary drive
P17 0850  1    for the church once and got the books so confused that
P17 0850 12    old Mr& Webber, the eldest elder, who'd never donated
P17 0860  8    more than five dollars to anything, had to cough up
P17 0870  7    five hundred dollars to avoid a scandal in what Edythe
P17 0880  4    called "the bosoms of the church". John did find the
P17 0890  2    missing checks and money afterward, and the drive was
P17 0890 11    actually oversubscribed, which was a real bit of luck
P17 0900  8    for the missionaries.
P17 0900 11    ##
P17 0910  1    Being an intelligent man, John must have guessed what
P17 0910 10    everyone thought about Edythe, but he never let on
P17 0920  8    by so much as a brave smile. Poor John was the kind
P17 0930  5    of stock that keeps a bargain without whimpering and
P17 0940  2    maybe bends over backward to keep a bad one. He was
P17 0940 13    an attentive and generous husband, overgenerous, a
P17 0950  6    lot of people felt, because they knew that money must
P17 0960  5    be a problem to him. But he got ahead in business:
P17 0970  1    on leave from his job to an important Washington assignment
P17 0980  1    during the war; after the war back to the heir apparency
P17 0980 12    of the steel company.
P17 0990  2       The Coopers saw Bobbie and Linda socially, but no
P17 1000  2    more than was necessary. Bobbie had been successful,
P17 1000 10    too, though he didn't match John's pace, and after
P17 1010  7    all he didn't need to, with all the Stuart money. He
P17 1020  6    and Linda settled down to being social leaders, and
P17 1030  3    Linda managed to look a little more beautiful each
P17 1030 12    year.
P17 1040  1       And then came the hairpin turn, the smashed Jaguar
P17 1040 10    and Linda, mourning alone and lovely.
P17 1050  5       Everyone held his or her breath.
P17 1060  1       "Don't think Linda couldn't have got John back any
P17 1060 10    time, if she'd tried", Mousie Gordon, who had been
P17 1070  9    Mousie Chandler, said between bites of a chicken sandwich
P17 1080  8    at a luncheon table at Le Mont. "Now you know she could've,
P17 1090  7    but she isn't that kind of girl. But now- well, it
P17 1100  6    would be a blessing, I think. Poor John".
P17 1110  1       Linda Evans felt more wretched than she had ever
P17 1110 10    dreamed Bobbie's death could move her to feeling. What
P17 1120  9    she felt was a bone-deep loss with a sense of waste
P17 1130  7    to it, not so much sorrow for handsome, ambitious Bobbie,
P17 1140  3    but for the lost years that had been brought into high
P17 1150  2    relief by his death.
P17 1150  6       She knew what people were thinking; it was what
P17 1160  4    she had been thinking herself. It was up to her to
P17 1160 15    save Poor John, dear John, to undo the wrong she had
P17 1170 11    done, but she trembled at the decision as at the brink
P17 1180  8    of a cold stream.
P17 1180 12       There was no one who would blame her or John; she
P17 1190 11    could be sure of that. It might be rough on Edythe
P17 1200  7    at first, but Linda and John between them could make
P17 1210  4    a settlement handsome enough to soothe her, to send
P17 1210 13    her back to Cleveland or anywhere. And Linda felt capable
P17 1220 10    of capturing the affection of the children, anxious
P17 1230  7    even, since she and Bobbie had had none of their own.
P17 1240  7    It would be good for them to have a mother they need
P17 1250  3    not be ashamed of.
P17 1250  7       Linda would have to wait, she knew. But what was
P17 1260  4    a decent six months or so after the more than twenty
P17 1270  1    years gone by? Years of watching while Poor John struggled
P17 1270 11    without the help and understanding of the kind of wife
P17 1280 10    a man needed to get ahead. Of course, he had done wonders
P17 1290  8    **h.
P17 1290  9    ##
P17 1290 10    Alloy steels and regular steels had different sales
P17 1300  6    departments at Smith + MacIsaacs, where John and Bobbie
P17 1310  5    both worked. Bobbie had been head of the alloy division,
P17 1320  3    while John was just another good salesman in the regular
P17 1330  1    branch. So when old Mr& Lovejoy, the company president,
P17 1330 10    talked about putting in a single sales manager for
P17 1340  9    both branches after the head of the regular steels
P17 1350  6    had gone with Carnegie-Illinois, it looked like the
P17 1360  3    perfect chance for Bobbie. For Linda knew how to help
P17 1360 13    her husband, not just the Stuart-family contacts but
P17 1370  9    also the little dinners for Reuben Lovejoy.
P17 1380  4       She was almost sick when Bobbie came home with the
P17 1390  5    news that Poor John had won the job. "What did you
P17 1400  2    do"? she asked Bobbie. "You must have done something,
P17 1400 11    something wrong. Lord knows I had everything set for
P17 1410  9    you".
P17 1410 10       Bobbie said something about damned Pittsburghers
P17 1420  6    sticking together, and Linda got angry at him. They
P17 1430  7    had their first real fight, and Bobbie went off to
P17 1440  4    get drunk.
P17 1440  6       Linda dragooned her uncle, Donald Murkland, into
P17 1450  2    a lunch the next day to find out what had happened.
P17 1450 13    He was a director of S& + M& and must have been in
P17 1460 13    on the decision. But jolly old Uncle Donald would tell
P17 1470  8    her no more than that Bobbie had certainly been considered
P17 1480  5    for the job, but there were factors in a large company
P17 1490  4    which outsiders and even some insiders couldn't understand.
P17 1500  1       He didn't tell her of the long board meeting where
P17 1510  1    Bobbie and John were weighed one against the other.
P17 1510 10       "I'm behind John Cooper", Mr& Lovejoy said finally.
P17 1520  8    "I think we're agreed that he and Evans are equal in
P17 1530  9    ability, so we have to look at the thing in terms of
P17 1540  7    incentive.
P17 1540  8       "Now, I believe Poor John'll work just a little
P17 1550  6    harder. With that wife of his, I think he feels every
P17 1560  4    chance he gets is his big chance. Bobbie, with Linda
P17 1570  1    behind him, will have plenty of other opportunities.
P17 1570  9    And also, the money can't mean as much to Bobbie.
P17 1580  8       "Bobbie will take the job as his just reward and
P17 1590  7    work hard at it; Poor John will take it as a miracle
P17 1600  5    and have every other independent steel company sitting
P17 1610  1    up nights worrying about us".
P17 1610  6       Most of the directors nodded. Uncle Donald Murkland
P17 1620  4    found himself nodding agreement too.
P17 1630  1       After the surprise was over, Linda was almost as
P17 1630  9    pleased as anyone with John's good luck, though she
P17 1640  7    agreed with Bobbie's decision some months later to
P17 1650  5    move to Funk Furnaces. The job at Funk wasn't particularly
P17 1660  2    better, but it got him away from being subordinate
P17 1660 11    to John and assured him steady advancement, since Funk
P17 1670  9    was owned to a large degree by various branches of
P17 1680  7    Linda's family.
P17 1680  9       Poor John's rise continued to be meteoric. When
P17 1690  7    he was made a vice president only a year after the
P17 1700  6    new sales job, a leading business magazine ran his
P17 1710  2    photograph with a brief biography in a series on NATIONAL
P17 1710 12    BUSINESS LEADERS OF THE FUTURE.
P18 0010  1    She called then to say she had a baby-sitter for that
P18 0010 13    night. "Shirley appreciated the chance to make some
P18 0020  7    money. Such a nice little thing- lives right in the
P18 0030  7    building".
P18 0030  8       "That's swell", I said sweetly. I could get along
P18 0040  7    without that three dollars. In some ways it was worth
P18 0050  5    being out the money- just knowing I was no longer obligated
P18 0060  2    to Nadine!
P18 0060  4       It was past midnight and we were in bed when the
P18 0070  4    phone rang. I stumbled through the hall, wondering
P18 0070 12    who would be calling at this hour. I answered to find
P18 0080 10    Nadine at the other end. "You scared me half to death",
P18 0090  8    I said shakily. "What's wrong"?
P18 0100  2       "Janice, nobody answers at the apartment"! Her voice
P18 0110  3    came shrill. "I'm absolutely frantic! That stupid girl
P18 0120  1    might have gone off and left Francie"!
P18 0120  8       "Oh, she wouldn't do that", I said. "She's probably
P18 0130  7    fallen asleep and doesn't hear the phone. But if you're
P18 0140  7    worried you can go home and check"-
P18 0150  3       "I can't leave the party! We're at Ken Thom's apartment,
P18 0160  2    and when one couple leaves early everything falls flat!
P18 0170  1    Old Mr& Thom is already down on Wally, and we simply
P18 0170 12    can't afford to get Ken mad at us"-
P18 0180  8       I was all set for what came next. "Janice, could
P18 0190  5    you possibly go over and make sure everything's all
P18 0200  2    right? I'll call you there in ten minutes"-
P18 0210  1       "I can't make it in ten minutes"- Wondering, as
P18 0210 10    I said it, why I should make it at all. Why should
P18 0220 10    I go over at midnight to check on Francie, when her
P18 0230  6    parents didn't care enough to leave a party?
P18 0240  1       "Fifteen minutes, then! Please, Janice. I'll be
P18 0250  2    glad to pay you"-
P18 0250  6       So sure that money could do anything! "All right",
P18 0260  3    I said. I'd do it. Not for the dollar or so Nadine
P18 0270  2    would give me. But because there was the chance that
P18 0270 12    something had gone wrong at the apartment, and if I
P18 0280 10    didn't go over, who would?
P18 0290  1    ##
P18 0290  2    @ CHRIS WAS sound asleep, and I didn't see any sense
P18 0300  2    in waking him. I dressed in the kitchen, then left
P18 0300 12    a note on the table telling him what had happened.
P18 0310  7    I drove off through the cool darkness to Nadine's apartment
P18 0320  5    and rang the bell, and in a few seconds a young girl
P18 0330  4    opened the door. Her face was flushed from sleep. "It's
P18 0340  1    all right", I said, as she started to look scared.
P18 0340 11    "Mrs& Roberts had called, and couldn't wake you. I
P18 0350  9    just came over to make sure everything was all right".
P18 0360  7       "I'm- hard to wake up", she faltered. She didn't
P18 0370  6    look over thirteen. And Nadine insisted that her sitters
P18 0380  5    be reliable! "I have to get up early for church tomorrow",
P18 0390  4    she went on. "I didn't know it was going to be this
P18 0400  4    late"!
P18 0400  5       The phone started ringing. "That's Mrs& Roberts
P18 0410  3    again", I said. "I'll answer it". I crossed the beautifully
P18 0420  3    furnished living room to the pale yellow phone. I told
P18 0430  1    Nadine everything was fine, and that I'd be getting
P18 0430 10    on home.
P18 0440  1       "Janice, would you mind staying"? There was a ragged
P18 0440 10    edge to her voice now, as if she'd been crying. "Wally's
P18 0450 11    drunk- I'll get him out of here as soon as I possibly
P18 0460 12    can, but I don't want Shirley to see him like this.
P18 0470  8    You know how gossip of that sort spreads through an
P18 0480  4    apartment building"-
P18 0480  6       Not a word of thanks for what I'd already done.
P18 0490  6    The receiver clicked in my ear. She didn't even give
P18 0500  4    me a chance to refuse. Well, there wasn't any law that
P18 0510  3    said I had to stay! But then I looked at Shirley and
P18 0510 15    thought that I might as well- the child needed her
P18 0520 10    sleep, and Heaven knew what kind of a mess it would
P18 0530  9    be, with Wally coming home drunk. So I told her Mrs&
P18 0540  6    Roberts would pay her in the morning, and she scooted
P18 0550  2    off to her own apartment.
P18 0550  7       After I looked in at Francie, I went into the living
P18 0560  6    room and waited. I must have dozed off, because I came
P18 0570  4    to with a start at the sound of voices. Nadine's, shrill
P18 0580  1    with anger- Wally's loud and thick- As I went to the
P18 0580 12    door I heard the clock strike two. I opened the door,
P18 0590 11    and Wally stumbled in- fast- as if Nadine had pushed
P18 0600  6    him.
P18 0600  7       I had always thought she was so beautiful. But now
P18 0610  7    she looked ugly. Her skin was stretched so tight that
P18 0620  4    her cheekbones stuck out, and if looks could kill,
P18 0630  1    Wally would have been dead. "Pack your clothes", she
P18 0630 10    hissed. "Pack- and get out"!
P18 0640  4       "You're crazy", Wally said thickly. He lurched and
P18 0650  5    stumbled to the davenport and sank down on it, and
P18 0660  3    was instantly asleep. Nadine strode over to him, and
P18 0660 12    her pointed nails raked across his face. I grabbed
P18 0670  8    her arm and she turned on me and for a scared second
P18 0680  7    I thought that maybe Wally was right, and she was crazy.
P18 0690  4       "You stay out of this", she spat at me. "He's ruined
P18 0700  3    us- do you hear me- he's ruined us! He insulted Ken
P18 0710  2    Thom"! Her eyes were wild. "He told Ken to his face
P18 0720  1    that he doesn't have what it takes to get a woman!
P18 0720 12    And the other people there were listening! We're ruined
P18 0730  7    and he's going to get out if I have to throw him down
P18 0740 10    the stairs"-
P18 0740 12    ##
P18 0740 13    @ "YOU'D BETTER simmer down", I said nervously. I was
P18 0750  9    plenty scared. In the state she was in, she could actually
P18 0760 10    kill him! "Now you just take it easy, and I'll make
P18 0770  9    you some tea"-
P18 0780  1       "Tea," Nadine screeched. "How can you be so damn
P18 0780  9    stupid? Wally's lost his job! Ken will never forgive
P18 0790  9    him- never! And we don't have any money- we don't have
P18 0810  8    a dime! All we own is Francie's bedroom set and the
P18 0820  5    televison-record player and we even owe on them. And
P18 0830  4    we'll be poor and have to live in a grubby little house
P18 0840  1    like yours- and all because of that"-
P18 0840  8       I clamped my hand over her mouth to stop the stream
P18 0850  8    of filth. "Stop that! You'll wake up the whole building.
P18 0860  6    Wally can't go any place at this hour"-
P18 0870  3       "Well then, I'll get out"- But she looked uncertain.
P18 0880  2    She was coming to her senses enough to realize that
P18 0880 12    you don't go traipsing off anywhere at two in the morning.
P18 0890 10       "You go to bed", I said curtly. "In the morning
P18 0900 10    you and Wally can talk things out"-
P18 0910  3       She collapsed against me, as if everything inside
P18 0920  2    her snapped. I got her into bed, and sat with her until
P18 0920 14    she had sobbed herself out. It was three o'clock before
P18 0930  9    I figured it was all right to go. I left her, a limp
P18 0940 10    bundle of self-pity, shivering with terror because
P18 0950  4    her bubble had burst around her. Wally was snoring
P18 0960  1    on the davenport. I had done all I could. I had done
P18 0960 13    all I was going to do. Whether or not Wally lost his
P18 0970  9    job was no concern of mine. I drove home, found Chris
P18 0980  6    still asleep. I snuggled up close to him- loving him-
P18 0990  5    thankful for a man like him. Thankful I wasn't Nadine.
P18 1000  2       I kept on being thankful. In the afternoon Nadine
P18 1000 11    and Wally came over with Francie. Wally sat in our
P18 1010 10    big chair, his hands between his knees, looking ready
P18 1020  6    to cry. "I'd had all this trouble with the old man,
P18 1030  5    that's why I drank so much. I- got fired yesterday
P18 1040  2    for not attending to business"-
P18 1040  7       Old Mr& Thom himself had stopped at the service
P18 1050  7    station for a grease job, Wally confessed, and couldn't
P18 1060  4    get one because there were cars on the pits waiting
P18 1070  2    to be repaired. Seems that the kid Wally had hired
P18 1070 12    had a repair business of his own going on the side.
P18 1080  9    Mr& Thom had gotten Wally on the phone, and fired him.
P18 1090  7    "I thought I'd smooth things over through Ken", Wally
P18 1100  4    said miserably. "But Ken got coy and wouldn't make
P18 1110  2    any promises. And I was plastered and I blew my stack"-
P18 1120  3       "And told him right to his face he'd never slept
P18 1120 13    with a woman"! I tried to quiet Nadine because the
P18 1130 10    children were there. But she was beyond caring what
P18 1140  7    she said.
P18 1140  9       "Things may smooth over yet", Chris said, his nice
P18 1150  8    lean face grave with honest concern. But I couldn't
P18 1160  5    help thinking that Nadine and Wally were getting just
P18 1170  3    what they deserved. Now maybe they'd realize that life
P18 1180  1    can be tough.
P18 1180  4    ##
P18 1180  5    @ WHEN A bubble breaks, there's nothing. Little by
P18 1190  3    little, during the week, Chris and I discovered the
P18 1190 12    crazy unbelievable way Nadine and Wally had lived.
P18 1200  8    They had not only spent every cent- they were in debt
P18 1210  8    up to their necks, owing on everything they owned.
P18 1220  3       On top of everything else they were two months behind
P18 1230  2    on their apartment rent, and the day Wally received
P18 1230 11    written notice that he was fired, they were evicted.
P18 1240  9       Worst of all, Wally had no training for any kind
P18 1250  8    of work. He had fallen into a soft job, and now the
P18 1260  5    job was gone and he was stranded.
P18 1260 12       Chris fretted. "I wish we were in a position to
P18 1270  9    offer a little money to tide them over".
P18 1280  3       I said I wished we were, too. It was easy enough
P18 1290  1    to say it, because of course we couldn't spare a cent.
P18 1290 12    But Chris brightened up like a candle. "I'm glad you
P18 1300  9    feel that way, honey. There is one big way we can help
P18 1310  9    them. We can let them move in with us"-
P18 1320  3       Something I had simply never thought of. Something
P18 1330  1    so incredible-
P18 1330  3       I just stared at him. It was incredible- He gave
P18 1340  5    me an embarrassed, pleading look. "I know we'd be pretty
P18 1350  2    crowded. But it would only be for a couple of weeks-
P18 1350 13    until they get straightened out".
P18 1360  4       Straightened out- They'd had years of making all
P18 1370  5    that money! "I won't do it", I said flatly. "Nadine
P18 1380  2    was always too good to live in a little house like
P18 1380 13    this! Well, now she can sleep in the street for all
P18 1390 11    I care"!
P18 1400  1       "That isn't like you, Janice", Chris said uncomfortably.
P18 1410  1    Then I felt uncomfortable, too. I didn't want to be
P18 1410 11    like that, mean and bitter. But, darn it all, why should
P18 1420  9    we help a couple of spoiled snobs who had looked down
P18 1430  6    their noses at us?
P18 1430 10       But, in the end, we did. It just seemed as if there
P18 1440 11    was nothing else to do. The finance company took all
P18 1450  6    their furniture- and they didn't have a cent to their
P18 1460  6    name.
P18 1460  7       Then Wally got sick. To my way of thinking, he was
P18 1470  4    scared sick. His luck had failed him, and it was easier
P18 1480  1    to crawl off into bed than to get out and fight the
P18 1480 13    world.
P18 1490  1       Chris made trip after trip in our old car, moving
P18 1490 10    the clothes and dishes and the stock of groceries Nadine
P18 1500  7    had bought on special. At least we'll eat, I thought
P18 1510  5    grimly as I put all the food away.
P18 1520  1       While I worked, Nadine sat and cried. When she wasn't
P18 1520 11    crying, she was in our bedroom fighting with Wally.
P18 1530  8    "Virus infection nothing", she'd scream at him. "You're
P18 1540  5    too lazy to go out and look for another job. You're
P18 1550  4    just a no-good bum"!
P18 1550  9       It was a mess, all right. But it couldn't go on
P18 1560  8    forever- A couple of weeks, Chris had said. I figured
P18 1570  6    I could stand practically anything for a couple of
P18 1580  3    weeks.
P18 1580  4       But the two weeks dragged into three, and they were
P18 1590  2    still with us. Nadine's constant nagging had finally
P18 1590 10    gotten Wally out of bed. He set out every morning looking
P18 1600 11    for work, and come home around noon, full of alibis
P18 1610  7    and excuses. Wendell Thom had black-balled him. Nobody
P18 1620  3    would even take his application.
P18 1620  8       "You can get something," Nadine would snap. "You
P18 1630  8    can get a job working in a grocery store, if nothing
P18 1640  7    else".
P18 1640  8       "The high school kids have got everything sewed
P18 1650  6    up", he said, a whine in his voice. "Those damn punks-
P18 1660  4    taking work away from men who need it".
P18 1670  1    ##
P18 1670  1    @ "BY FALL they'll be back in school", I'd say, trying
P18 1680  2    to sound encouraging. But this was only the middle
P18 1680 11    of July **h.
P18 1690  1       And I couldn't take six more weeks of this. I mentioned
P18 1700  1    it to Chris one stifling hot night, when I had slipped
P18 1700 12    outside for a breath of fresh air.
P19 0010  1    #@#
P19 0010  2    I DON'T really believe in intuition. But I swear to
P19 0020  1    you from the moment I opened my eyes, I knew it was
P19 0020 13    going to be a bad day. Part of it was the weather,
P19 0030  9    so foggy it would take me twice as long to get to the
P19 0040  7    hospital. Part of it was being so tired- I'd not only
P19 0050  3    had my usual full day yesterday, but a dinner meeting
P19 0050 13    as well, that kept me up late. But the rest of it,
P19 0060 11    the main part, wasn't based on logic at all. It was
P19 0070  8    just going to be one of those days.
P19 0080  1       For the thousandth time, I wished I'd chosen some
P19 0080 10    nice, nine-to-five, five-days-a-week profession. And
P19 0090  7    for the thousandth time, I answered myself. I hadn't
P19 0100  5    chosen medicine- it had chosen me.
P19 0110  1       Actually, I shouldn't complain, I told myself in
P19 0110  9    the shaving mirror. I had a lot to be thankful for.
P19 0120 10    A profession that brought me as good an income as mine
P19 0130  8    wasn't to be sneezed at. Maybe I didn't see as much
P19 0140  5    of Gladdy as I'd like, but how much worse it would
P19 0150  2    have been if I'd had to board her out somewhere after
P19 0150 13    Alice went- send my daughter to an orphanage or a boarding-home.
P19 0160 11    At least, we were together and we had Mrs& Hodges,
P19 0170  9    bless her, to look after us- no mother could be fonder
P19 0180  6    of Gladdy than Mrs& Hodges was. I was lucky in lots
P19 0190  5    of ways, no doubt about it.
P19 0190 11       Especially in the way Gladdy had turned out. Growing
P19 0200  7    up without a mother from the time she was three- it
P19 0210  5    wasn't a good thing for a child, even knowing the kind
P19 0220  3    of mother Alice had been. But I mustn't start on Alice.
P19 0230  1    She is a closed book, a picture I keep on my bureau,
P19 0230 13    but never look at. If she'd kept on as she'd been going,
P19 0240 10    the story I'd told Gladdy would probably have been
P19 0250  6    true by now, anyhow **h
P19 0250 11       As usual, Gladdy's bright smile greeted me at the
P19 0260  8    breakfast table. Her first class wasn't until ten,
P19 0270  6    but she always got up to have breakfast with me. It
P19 0280  4    made me feel good and knowing that she'd decided, all
P19 0290  1    on her own, to go to college right here in town made
P19 0290 13    me feel good, too. Oh, I knew that I couldn't give
P19 0300  8    myself all the credit for her decision. I had a feeling
P19 0310  6    that young Pete Michelson, the most promising intern
P19 0320  2    at Fairview, had something to do with it, too.
P19 0320 11       She'd been out with Pete the night before and her
P19 0330 10    gay chatter about their date lightened my mood a little.
P19 0340  8    But once I was alone again, driving to the hospital,
P19 0360  4    the heaviness returned. If she and Pete were really
P19 0370  2    getting serious, I'd have to do some hard thinking.
P19 0370 11    Should I tell him the truth about Alice? Did he have
P19 0380 11    a right to know the secret I'd kept from Gladdy all
P19 0390  7    these years?
P19 0390  9       The boys were already waiting in the corridor outside
P19 0400  7    my office when I got to Fairview. Two interns and Dick
P19 0410  5    Ishii, the other resident. I'm Chief of Medicine here
P19 0420  4    and this morning would start like all others, with
P19 0430  1    me taking the boys on the rounds. Pete was down on
P19 0430 12    Seven, Dick told me, and he'd meet us there.
P19 0440  8       There wasn't anything of special interest that morning,
P19 0450  5    no one sicker than they should have been. Pete came
P19 0460  3    to meet us when we stepped out of the elevator on Seven-
P19 0470  3    he'd had a case of post-operative shock, but it was
P19 0470 14    all taken care of now. Seven is a women's floor and,
P19 0480  9    as it happened, not very busy right then. When we'd
P19 0490  5    finished our regular rounds, Pete pointed me toward
P19 0500  3    the small ward at the end of the floor.
P19 0500 12       "Got a new one in last night", he said. "I haven't
P19 0510  9    seen her yet, but I hear she's a lulu"!
P19 0520  5       I wasn't surprised. The ward was a small one, four
P19 0530  5    beds, kept reserved for female alcoholics. We didn't
P19 0540  1    get many at Fairview and they were never pretty sights.
P19 0540 11    It was thought wiser to keep them segregated from the
P19 0550  9    patients in the regular charity ward.
P19 0560  3       The moment I walked in, the whole miserable feeling
P19 0570  1    of the day seemed to focus on the woman in the bed.
P19 0570 13    They'd cleaned her up some, of course, and she'd pretty
P19 0580  9    much slept off her drunk. But there was something about
P19 0590  6    her- and I felt my lips forming a name. Alice **h But
P19 0610  6    this woman's name was Rose Bancroft!
P19 0620  1       I looked at the chart for reassurance. Yes, Rose
P19 0620 10    Bancroft, diagnosis: acute alcoholism. She looked about
P19 0630  7    sixty, though I recalled that the chart gave her age
P19 0640  7    as forty-four. An ugly scar disfigured the somewhat
P19 0650  3    familiar puffy face, already marred by the tell-tale
P19 0660  1    network of broken red veins that heavy drinkers carry.
P19 0660 10    Her coarse hair was two-colored- bleached blonde and
P19 0670  7    its real, dirty gray.
P19 0680  1       Oh, could it be? No, no **h it was an unfortunate
P19 0680 11    resemblance, that was all it was, and I turned to Dick,
P19 0690 11    forcing myself to put my disquiet out of my mind.
P19 0700  6       In a low voice, Dick filled us in **h
P19 0710  2    #@#
P19 0710  3    SHE'D BEEN picked up downtown, passed out in the doorway.
P19 0720  4    Although quiet when they brought her in, she'd suddenly
P19 0730  1    turned violent and had to be knocked out. It was the
P19 0730 12    old story. We'd keep her a day or two, and the ~AA
P19 0740 11    people would talk to her. But if she wasn't interested,
P19 0750  6    she'd just go back to the same life she'd left.
P19 0760  3       Turning toward the patient again, I- I can't describe
P19 0770  2    what happened to me then, except to say that I felt
P19 0770 13    sick. I tell you, it took every ounce of control I
P19 0780 11    had to be able to speak. "Now, Miss- or is it Mrs&
P19 0790  8    Bancroft"?
P19 0800  1       I never liked going straight into an examination
P19 0810  7    with patients- it relaxes them, I've always thought,
P19 0820  5    to chat first. This was one time I'd have gladly broken
P19 0830  4    my own rule, but habit was too strong.
P19 0840  1       "Hey"! Her voice was flat and dull. But those penetrating
P19 0840 11    eyes- I had to turn my head away. It was then that
P19 0850 14    I saw what the drawn-back covers revealed. There were
P19 0860  5    bloodspots on the sheet.
P19 0870  1       "What's this"? I asked. "Your period"?
P19 0870  7       She shook her head. "I been spotting a little now
P19 0890  9    and then", she said quietly, no emotion in her voice.
P19 0900  6       "Have you spoken to a doctor about it"?
P19 0910  3       Once again, there was a negative shake. I told Miss
P19 0920  2    Groggins to move her down the hall where we had an
P19 0920 13    examining table. "Better do a Papanicolaou", I told
P19 0930  8    Pete. It was only a few moments before Miss Groggins
P19 0940  6    had her in the proper position for a vaginal, but I
P19 0950  5    couldn't see anything wrong on gross examination. Pete
P19 0960  2    stood by with a slide and took the smear, sent it down
P19 0960 14    to the lab with a request for the test. That done,
P19 0970  9    I told Miss Groggins to take her patient back to bed
P19 0980  7    and again put her out of my mind.
P19 0990  1       I was busy the rest of the day. Late in the afternoon,
P19 0990 12    I was up on Seven again. One of my private patients
P19 1000  8    was being admitted and I went in to see her settled.
P19 1010  6    On my way to the elevator, I ran into Pete. "I've got
P19 1020  3    the results on the Bancroft smear test", he said. "There's
P19 1030  2    something there, all right. Class Three, they said.
P19 1040  1    Do you want to talk to her, doctor"?
P19 1040  9       "Well"- I didn't- I didn't ever want to see that
P19 1050 10    woman again. But that was ridiculous, of course. "All
P19 1060  5    right. We'll do a D& and C& and get her permission
P19 1070  4    for a hysterectomy. Maybe it's nothing, maybe it's
P19 1080  2    intraepithelial or in situ- can't take any chances".
P19 1090  1       "If you can keep her here that long", Pete said
P19 1090 11    wryly. "Groggins tells me she's started badgering already,
P19 1100  7    wants to get out. Wants to get to her booze, I guess".
P19 1120  9       I grimaced in distaste. "Well, better see what I
P19 1130  6    can do".
P19 1130  8       We'd been standing right outside Miss Bancroft's
P19 1140  5    door and as I went to turn the knob to enter, I was
P19 1150  6    surprised to find that the door was slightly ajar.
P19 1160  1    But she seemed to be dozing and in any case, we'd been
P19 1160 13    talking in low tones.
P19 1170  3       Her eyes opened as soon as she heard me, though,
P19 1180  1    and once again, I felt an inward shiver. "I sure can't
P19 1180 12    complain about the service in this place", she said.
P19 1190  9    "I just got through seeing one of you guys. What do
P19 1200  7    you want"? There was something almost insulting in
P19 1210  4    her tone, but I disregarded it.
P19 1210 10       "I've just been talking to Dr& Michelson", I said.
P19 1220  9    "We'd like you to have a dilatation and curettage.
P19 1230  8    That's quite minor, nothing to worry about. But we
P19 1240  6    would like your permission to do- that is, to go further
P19 1250  4    if it proves necessary".
P19 1250  8       "No". It was flat, definite.
P19 1260  2       "Suppose you let me explain. Actually, I rather
P19 1270  1    doubt that we'll have to do this. Even if we do, you'll
P19 1270 13    be out of here in a week, probably".
P19 1280  7       I was sure that was the difficulty- she just didn't
P19 1290  6    want to stay here, where she couldn't get to the liquor.
P19 1300  4       "No".
P19 1300  5       I looked at her in amazement. I'd had patients who'd
P19 1310  5    refused surgery before, of course, but never one who
P19 1320  4    didn't show, in one way or another, the reason why.
P19 1330  1    Mostly, it was fear, but this woman's voice didn't
P19 1330 10    tremble and her hands were still on the coverlet.
P19 1340  8       "Will you tell me why"? I asked.
P19 1350  3       She smiled, a smile without humor. "You shouldn't
P19 1360  1    tell your little secrets outside of the patient's door",
P19 1370  1    she said. "I've got cancer, haven't I"? She went on,
P19 1370 11    disregarding my protests. "I'm not going to be one
P19 1380  9    of your guinea pigs. Let your pupils learn on someone
P19 1390  7    else, doctor. Just let me die in peace".
P19 1400  2    #@#
P19 1400  3    I stared at her, almost speechless. Her little speech
P19 1410  2    was totally out of character with the sort of person
P19 1410 12    I thought she was. Even her voice had taken on a more
P19 1420 11    cultivated tone. This was someone who'd come down in
P19 1430  7    the world, I thought. A long, long way down. Again
P19 1440  5    there was something familiar about her, something **h
P19 1450  2       "You haven't got cancer", I said as strongly as
P19 1460  2    I could. "I don't know what you heard that would make
P19 1460 13    you think so, but I assure you I don't even know myself,
P19 1470 12    so how can you be so sure? And even if"-
P19 1480  8       "Don't give me a lot of talk, Joe".
P19 1490  4       I gaped at her. She could have found out my first
P19 1500  3    name, of course- that wouldn't be difficult. But there
P19 1510  1    was that something, some echo in the way she spoke
P19 1510 11    **h
P19 1510 12       She was watching me intently, a funny little half-smile
P19 1520  9    on her lips. "Surprised, baby? Guess I've changed,
P19 1530  5    haven't I? But you haven't changed much, Joe".
P19 1540  4       I knew then, knew with a heart-stopping shock. "Alice"-
P19 1550  3    I stammered through dry lips. "Alice, for goodness
P19 1560  3    sake"-
P19 1560  4       "Alice", she echoed mockingly. "What's the matter,
P19 1570  3    Joe, you scared of me? Think I'm going to make you
P19 1580  4    introduce a drunk as your wife? Well, don't worry.
P19 1580 13    Just let me outta here"-
P19 1590  5       "But why did you come back"? I'd found my voice.
P19 1600  5    "Where have you been all these years"?
P19 1610  1       She shrugged. "Here and there. As for coming back
P19 1610 10    here- well, I'll tell you the truth, I didn't even
P19 1620 10    know where I was when I came to. The last thing I remember
P19 1630  9    is a bar in San Diego"-
P19 1640  3       The way she spoke, her flat acceptance of her alcoholic
P19 1640 13    blackout, made me shudder. And this was Gladdy's mother!
P19 1660  1       "I never asked you for any favors, Joe", she went
P19 1660 10    on, "but I'm asking one now. Let me outta here! You
P19 1670  9    doctors are all alike- all you want is to cut up people
P19 1680  9    and what's the good? No, I want out, Joe"!
P19 1690  3       I looked at the pathetic wreck of a woman before
P19 1700  1    me. Let her out, let her out- that would be the solution,
P19 1700 13    wouldn't it? What she'd said was true- in all these
P19 1710 10    years, she'd never asked for anything from me. If I
P19 1720  9    let her go, she'd disappear once more. And Gladdy would
P19 1730  6    be safe!
P20 0010  1       I was slowly swimming down to the bottom of the
P20 0010 11    sea. She made me welcome. Her dark cool caresses were
P20 0020  8    sweeter than any woman's; the many little tricks she
P20 0030  6    knew made her embrace the ultimate one- the ever more
P20 0040  4    fantastic pressures deeper in her body squeezed not
P20 0040 12    me but the air I breathed into a nitrogen anesthetic.
P20 0050 10    Yielding-Mediterranean-woman-flesh-of-water, she soothed
P20 0060  3    me, and drew me deeper into her.
P20 0070  1       I no longer knew how deep I was, somewhere under
P20 0070 11    230 feet, getting drunker, happier and more contented
P20 0080  7    by the second. The reasons for this dive seemed foolish
P20 0090  6    now. Only the dive itself had any meaning. The metal-tasting
P20 0100  4    nitrogen made me wonder if I should remove the mouthpiece
P20 0110  1    and suck in the sweet water. Perhaps if I took off
P20 0110 12    the aqua-lung I could swim better, love my woman better.
P20 0120 11    I chuckled aloud, and the mouthpiece fell out.
P20 0130  6       While a hazy part of my mind concentrated on swimming
P20 0140  4    down, a clear part sorted over recent events, among
P20 0150  2    them my only positive act in a long time. It was when
P20 0150 14    I packed up what duds I had and went to Paris. It was
P20 0160 12    no vacation, just me getting out after a bellyfull.
P20 0170  6    I knew it wouldn't be the same. Wild kicks never are,
P20 0180  4    but I hoped to dig up a better frame of mind.
P20 0190  1       Once before I had been to Paris, long before I married
P20 0190 12    Valery. That first time was good and it stuck with
P20 0200 10    me. I was twenty-one back then, in the army, and fog
P20 0210  7    put our plane down at Orly instead of Rhine-Main. It
P20 0220  4    was a Saturday evening in April with a mist-like rain,
P20 0230  1    and I was a little high on the good taste of life.
P20 0230 13    I had a pocketful of money, which was unusual when
P20 0240  7    I was in the army, and the plane would be grounded
P20 0250  4    all night. In less than an hour I had gotten a hotel,
P20 0260  2    showered, shaved and was out on the Champs Elysees
P20 0260 11    in a fresh uniform. I felt like a Hun in Rome.
P20 0270  9       All the women were beautiful, and the men were equal
P20 0290  6    to them; everything was glamorous to my dazzled eyes.
P20 0300  4    There were some sweet machines other than women: an
P20 0310  2    old Bugatti, a lean Farina coachwork on an American
P20 0310 11    chassis, a Swallow, a type 540-~K Mercedes and lots
P20 0320  8    more. There was the Arc de Triomphe and the Tour d'Eiffel-
P20 0330  7    I was no yokel, but I was young, and this was Paris!
P20 0340  6       I had champagne at Maxim's, then went into a cafe
P20 0350  6    called the Jour et Nuit to ask the way to Montmartre.
P20 0360  1    I never got there. I met Claire, which was better.
P20 0360 11    She was eating bread and cheese just as fast as she
P20 0370 10    possibly could, and washing it down with red wine.
P20 0380  6    I stared. I didn't know a human could feed so fast
P20 0390  3    and still be beautiful. She was blonde, and young,
P20 0390 12    and nice and round in a tight white dress. Maybe her
P20 0400 10    ravenous eating wasn't grotesque because she was so
P20 0410  6    positive about it.
P20 0410  9       When she had drained the last of the bottle and
P20 0420  8    paid her bill, she came directly to my table and said:
P20 0430  6       "Handsome soldier, I have assuaged one hunger with
P20 0440  4    food. I feel another of terrible urgency. Is your evening
P20 0450  1    free"?
P20 0450  2       "Madame", I said with noblesse oblige because of
P20 0460  2    the "handsome"- "yeah".
P20 0460  5       And so off we went to her apartment. She was a nymphomaniac,
P20 0470  8    of course, the poor girl. Toward the break of day I
P20 0480  6    waxed philosophical, and drew analogies about her way
P20 0490  3    of eating bread and cheese.
P20 0490  8       Now it was nine years later, and it wasn't spring
P20 0500  5    but winter when I returned.
P20 0500 10       I got there on a Saturday evening. I made the mistake
P20 0510 10    of going to the Jour et Nuit. The place was busy but
P20 0520  8    I didn't feel like a Hun. I sat waiting for Life to
P20 0540  6    come along and sweep me up. I had part of a bottle
P20 0550  2    of French beer called Panther Pils (so help me), then
P20 0550 12    switched to Tuborg. After a few hours, Life hadn't
P20 0560  9    showed, and I was crocked. I went to my hotel and slept.
P20 0570  8    The next morning a little cognac made me feel better-
P20 0580  5    but what can you do in Paris on Sunday morning? So
P20 0590  2    I drank more cognac.
P20 0590  6       All that day and Monday I drank just enough to orbit
P20 0600  6    but not make deep space. I read the Tropic of Capricorn
P20 0610  3    and the Tropic of Cancer. Elemental, but sex. That's
P20 0620  2    what was on my mind. I was turning over the idea of
P20 0620 14    a good debauchery when I dozed off.
P20 0630  6       I felt better Tuesday evening when I woke up. My
P20 0640  6    head was clear, my thinking sober and I was reconciled
P20 0650  1    to this Paris idea as a flop on top of all my others.
P20 0650 14    A good binge has that kind of therapeutic value.
P20 0660  8       Sometime earlier the weather had turned cold and
P20 0670  7    it was snowing. I went out into it. I walked around
P20 0680  4    breathing the cold wine of the air until I found a
P20 0680 15    park, and I sat down on a snowy bench where the light
P20 0690 12    was dim and came from the sky. There was dignity and
P20 0700  8    beauty in the little white flakes falling through the
P20 0710  4    blue night. I had on only a topcoat, but I wasn't cold.
P20 0720  2    I was just miserable.
P20 0720  6       Pretty soon a woman came along carrying a folded
P20 0730  4    umbrella as a walking stick. She saw me and sat down
P20 0740  2    beside me, three feet away. Suddenly I understood why
P20 0740 11    she had the umbrella. It gave her poise and posture.
P20 0750  9    Without it she would have been drab and limp. It gave
P20 0760  7    her propriety. It gave her the right to sit down beside
P20 0770  5    me, back straight, one hand out on the handle. I couldn't
P20 0780  2    imagine her without it. I knew all about her. She was
P20 0780 13    another human being and happened to be a hustler. I
P20 0790 10    didn't much care if she were there or not.
P20 0800  6       After a while she said with sort of an unuttered
P20 0810  2    laugh, "You have snow in your hair and ears". (I didn't
P20 0820  1    have on a hat.)
P20 0820  5       Hardly glancing at her, I smiled a bleak one which
P20 0830  3    said, Thanks, baby, but I'd rather be alone.
P20 0830 11       She was silent for a while, then said, "Why are
P20 0840 10    you so unhappy"?
P20 0850  1       "I'm not unhappy", I lied, staring at the snow.
P20 0850 10    She was trying to make a hole in my armor, and I didn't
P20 0860 12    want it.
P20 0870  1       "Is it a woman"? she asked gently. She must have
P20 0870 11    seen the ring on my left hand.
P20 0880  5       "Well- women and unhappiness go together", I observed
P20 0890  3    profoundly, adding, "You can wager your derriere on
P20 0900  1    that".
P20 0900  2       "Ah, monsieur, it is not my business to wager it
P20 0910  1    **h"
P20 0910  2       This took me so funny I had to look at her. I felt
P20 0910 15    my frozen sad face crumble, and I grinned a silly one
P20 0920 11    I couldn't have helped. I even snorted a chuckle.
P20 0930  7       She smiled at me, but it was an awfully sad smile.
P20 0940  6    She was even more miserable than me. Her eyes were
P20 0950  2    smiling, too, but so sadly, and there was tiredness
P20 0950 11    and infinite wisdom in them. "Now isn't it better to
P20 0960  9    smile"? she asked.
P20 0970  1       Because I liked this sad person so much, I said,
P20 0970 11    "Will you have a drink with me"?
P20 0980  7       I could see the ancient cynicism reinforce itself
P20 0990  3    in her eyes, and I wondered how many men she had picked
P20 1000  1    up with this same gambit.
P20 1000  6       Anyway, I pulled a bottle of Remy Martin out of
P20 1010  5    my topcoat, drew the cork, and passed it to her.
P20 1020  1       I could see she was shocked.
P20 1020  7       "I'm sorry I haven't got a glass", I said.
P20 1030  6       "Non, non", she said, taking the bottle, "not for
P20 1040  4    that be sorry".
P20 1040  7       She tilted up and drank, and then I drank. It's
P20 1050  6    really rotten to drink good cognac like that, but I
P20 1060  4    hadn't cared before. I wasn't going to lug around a
P20 1070  1    glass.
P20 1070  2       There wasn't much light in the blue dark, but I
P20 1070 12    could see her well. No child, this tart, she must have
P20 1080 11    been thirty-five or even forty. I couldn't be sure.
P20 1090  7    Somehow she was attractive. Not good looking, but self-confident
P20 1100  6    and wise so that it made her attractive. I liked her,
P20 1110  4    and all at once I was glad she was there.
P20 1120  1       We finished the bottle- I hadn't had a lot out of
P20 1120 11    it earlier- not speaking much to each other, and we
P20 1130  8    stayed sober.
P20 1130 10       I suppose we were cold, but we didn't feel it. We
P20 1140 10    seemed to be drowsing, sadly, soberly, in the cold,
P20 1150  5    cold air while the snow fell. Then she said, "Allons",
P20 1160  2    and we got up and went to my hotel without another
P20 1160 13    word.
P20 1170  1       I sensed no stranger in her. We undressed and made
P20 1170 11    love with the comfortable acceptance I had once known
P20 1180  8    with Valery. I decided thirty-five was the best estimate
P20 1190  7    of her age. She had a funny little scar on her stomach,
P20 1200  5    on the left side.
P20 1200  9       I think we were very tired, for we awoke at the
P20 1210  7    same moment, deeply rested, surprised to see the late
P20 1220  4    morning sun on the windows, which were wet where the
P20 1220 14    rime had melted.
P20 1230  3       I felt wonderful, the absolute opposite of last
P20 1230 11    night's melancholy. My head was clear. I was hungry
P20 1240  9    as a wolf, and my body felt lean and vital.
P20 1250  7       "Bon jour", I said brightly, sitting up, which pulled
P20 1260  5    the covers to her hips. She looked good, with her short
P20 1270  3    tousled hair and no make-up. Maybe closer to thirty,
P20 1270 13    I thought.
P20 1280  2       "Bon jour"! she exclaimed, smiling. "J'ai faim"!
P20 1290  2    "Yeah, but breakfast first".
P20 1290  6       With a laugh she beat me to the bathroom. I called
P20 1300  8    downstairs for food and a toothbrush for her. She came
P20 1310  5    out pink from a hot bath, and I gave her my robe. I
P20 1320  2    had brushed my teeth, showered, shaved and dressed
P20 1320 10    by the time a waiter wheeled in breakfast.
P20 1330  5       "The toothbrush monsieur", he said, presenting it.
P20 1340  4    I gave it to the woman.
P20 1340 10       "What is this for"? she asked innocently.
P20 1350  5       "Why, to brush your teeth".
P20 1360  1       "But I already have! I used yours".
P20 1360  8       "Oh"? I said with round eyes. I wondered if I ought
P20 1370 11    to go use the new one myself. But I smelled the coffee,
P20 1380  8    and thinking, What the hell, live dangerously, I decided
P20 1390  5    I would scald my worries away. The coffee wasn't very
P20 1400  3    hot though, made in a filter pot, but it was good.
P20 1410  1    We sent the waiter away and ate a tremendous amount
P20 1410 11    of cold ham, hot hard-boiled eggs and hot garlic bread.
P20 1420  8    As we ate, we talked. Her name was Suzanne, and mine
P20 1430  5    Stephen.
P20 1430  6       We sat back comfortably on the bed with our last
P20 1440  6    cups of coffee.
P20 1440  9       "You are very tactful, do you know, Stephen", she
P20 1450  6    remarked.
P20 1450  7       "Um"? I grunted, sipping.
P20 1460  2       "Yes, because you didn't run off to use that new
P20 1470  2    toothbrush".
P20 1470  3       I raised my eyes to look at her in the mirror.
P20 1480  1       "I didn't really use yours", she went on. "I carry
P20 1490  1    one in my purse. I know men never kiss les putains".
P20 1500  1       To my immense relief, she changed the subject in
P20 1500  9    the next sentence: "Shall we go to the Louvre today"?
P20 1510  8       "All right". I said with enthusiasm at the idea.
P20 1520  7    "But not immediately". I put aside my empty cup. She
P20 1530  6    smiled all the way to her wise, sad eyes, and drained
P20 1540  2    her own.
P20 1540  4       We were not rushed.
P20 1540  8       "What is this from"? I asked, touching the scar
P20 1550  7    on her stomach. It was like a long thin line drawn
P20 1560  5    through a pink circle.
P20 1560  9       "A bullet", she answered. The cynicism was back
P20 1570  6    in her eyes, a bitter wisdom, and I wondered if forty
P20 1580  4    were not so far wrong after all. She understood sex
P20 1590  1    anyway, and played at it well.
P20 1590  7       We went to the Louvre for a few hours, then by Metro
P20 1600  6    to a cabaret in Montmartre.
P20 1600 11       It was a nice place, not filled with smoke. We had
P20 1610 10    champagne and steamed mussels. The sommelier brought
P20 1620  4    the wine first, a magnum instead of the bottle I had
P20 1630  5    ordered. He must have thought I was a tourist.
P20 1640  1       I fixed him with a steely eye and said, "What's
P20 1640 11    this for? I didn't ask for a Jeroboam of champagne".
P20 1650  9       I thought that was pretty humorous, but I didn't
P20 1660  7    laugh.
P21 0010  1       TWO LETTERS HAD ARRIVED FOR MISS THERESA STUBBLEFIELD:
P21 0010  9    SHE PUT them in her bag. She would not stop to read
P21 0020 12    them in American Express, as many were doing, sitting
P21 0030  7    on benches or leaning against the walls, but pushed
P21 0040  4    her way out into the street. This was her first day
P21 0050  2    in Rome and it was June.
P21 0050  8       An enormous sky of the most delicate blue arched
P21 0060  3    overhead. In her mind's eye- her imagination responding
P21 0070  1    fully, almost exhaustingly, to these shores' peculiar
P21 0070  8    powers of stimulation- she saw the city as from above,
P21 0080 10    telescoped on its great bare plains that the ruins
P21 0090  7    marked, aqueducts and tombs, here a cypress, there
P21 0100  2    a pine, and all around the low blue hills. Pictures
P21 0100 12    in old Latin books returned to her: the Appian Way
P21 0110 10    Today, the Colosseum, the Arch of Constantine. She
P21 0120  6    would see them, looking just as they had in the books,
P21 0130  6    and this would make up a part of her delight. Moreover,
P21 0140  2    nursing various Stubblefields- her aunt, then her mother,
P21 0150  1    then her father- through their lengthy illnesses (everybody
P21 0150  9    could tell you the Stubblefields were always sick),
P21 0160  8    Theresa had had a chance to read quite a lot. England,
P21 0170  7    France, Germany, Switzerland, and Italy had all been
P21 0180  5    rendered for her time and again, and between the prescribed
P21 0190  2    hours of pills and tonics, she had conceived a dreamy
P21 0190 12    passion by lamplight, to see all these places with
P21 0200  9    her own eyes. The very night after her father's funeral
P21 0210  6    she had thought, though never admitted to a soul: Now
P21 0220  5    I can go. There's nothing to stop me now. So here it
P21 0230  4    was, here was Italy, anyway, and terribly noisy.
P21 0240  1       In the street the traffic was really frightening.
P21 0240  8    Cars, taxis, buses, and motorscooters all went plunging
P21 0250  6    at once down the narrow length of it or swerving perilously
P21 0260  6    around a fountain. Shoals of tourists went by her in
P21 0270  4    national groups- English school girls in blue uniforms,
P21 0280  1    German boys with cameras attached, smartly dressed
P21 0280  8    Americans looking in shop windows. Glad to be alone,
P21 0290  8    Theresa climbed the splendid outdoor staircase that
P21 0300  3    opened to her left. The Spanish Steps.
P21 0310  1       Something special was going on here just now- the
P21 0310  9    annual display of azalea plants. She had heard about
P21 0320  7    it the night before at her hotel. It was not yet complete:
P21 0330  6    workmen were unloading the potted plants from a truck
P21 0350  3    and placing them in banked rows on the steps above.
P21 0350 13    The azaleas were as large as shrubs, and their myriad
P21 0360  9    blooms, many still tight in the bud, ranged in color
P21 0370  7    from purple through fuchsia and rose to the palest
P21 0380  3    pink, along with many white ones too. Marvelous, thought
P21 0390  1    Theresa, climbing in her portly, well-bred way, for
P21 0390 10    she was someone who had learned that if you only move
P21 0400  9    slowly enough you have time to notice everything. In
P21 0410  4    Rome, all over Europe, she intended to move very slowly
P21 0420  2    indeed.
P21 0420  3       Halfway up the staircase she stopped and sat down.
P21 0430  2    Other people were doing it, too, sitting all along
P21 0430 11    the wide banisters and leaning over the parapets above,
P21 0440  7    watching the azaleas mass, or just enjoying the sun.
P21 0450  6    Theresa sat with her letters in her lap, breathing
P21 0460  2    Mediterranean air. The sun warmed her, as it seemed
P21 0460 11    to be warming everything, perhaps even the underside
P21 0470  7    of stones or the chill insides of churches. She loosened
P21 0480  6    her tweed jacket and smoked a cigarette. Content **h
P21 0490  3    excited; how could you be both at once? Strange, but
P21 0500  2    she was. Presently, she picked up the first of the
P21 0500 12    letters.
P21 0510  1       A few moments later her hands were trembling and
P21 0510 10    her brow had contracted with anxiety and dismay. Of
P21 0520  6    course, one of them would have to go and do this! Poor
P21 0530  7    Cousin Elec, she thought, tears rising to sting in
P21 0540  4    the sun, but why couldn't he have arranged to live
P21 0550  1    through the summer? And how on earth did I ever get
P21 0550 12    this letter anyway?
P21 0560  1       She had reason indeed to wonder how the letter had
P21 0570  1    managed to find her. Her Cousin Emma Carraway had written
P21 0570 11    it, in her loose high old lady's script- ~t's carefully
P21 0580  8    crossed, but ~l's inclined to wobble like an old car
P21 0590  9    on the downward slope. Cousin Emma had simply put Miss
P21 0600  6    Theresa Stubblefield, Rome, Italy, on the envelope,
P21 0610  4    had walked up to the post office in Tuxapoka, Alabama,
P21 0620  1    and mailed it with as much confidence as if it had
P21 0620 12    been a birthday card to her next-door neighbor. No
P21 0630  8    return address whatsoever. Somebody had scrawled American
P21 0640  4    Express, Piazza di Spagna?, across the envelope, and
P21 0650  3    now Theresa had it, all as easily as if she had been
P21 0655  1    the President of the Republic or the Pope. Inside were
P21 0660 10    all the things they thought she ought to know concerning
P21 0670  8    the last illness, death, and burial of Cousin Alexander
P21 0690  5    Carraway.
P21 0690  6       Cousin Emma and Cousin Elec, brother and sister-
P21 0700  5    unmarried, devoted, aging- had lived next door to the
P21 0710  5    Stubblefields in Tuxapoka from time immemorial until
P21 0720  1    the Stubblefields had moved to Montgomery fifteen years
P21 0720  9    ago. Two days before he was taken sick, Cousin Elec
P21 0730 10    was out worrying about what too much rain might do
P21 0740  7    to his sweetpeas, and Cousin Elec had always preserved
P21 0750  3    in the top drawer of his secretary a mother-of-pearl
P21 0755  1    paper knife which Theresa had coveted as a child and
P21 0760 10    which he had promised she could have when he died.
P21 0770  7    I'm supposed to care as much now as then, as much here
P21 0780  6    as there, she realized, with a sigh. This letter would
P21 0790  2    have got to me if she hadn't even put Rome, Italy,
P21 0790 13    on it.
P21 0800  2       She refolded the letter, replaced it in its envelope,
P21 0810  1    and turned with relief to one from her brother George.
P21 0810 11       But alas George, when he had written, had only just
P21 0820  9    returned from going to Tuxapoka to Cousin Elec's funeral.
P21 0830  7    He was full of heavy family reminiscence. All the fine
P21 0840  5    old stock was dying out, look at the world today. His
P21 0850  3    own children had suffered from the weakening of those
P21 0860  1    values which he and Theresa had always taken for granted,
P21 0860 11    and as for his grandchildren (he had one so far, still
P21 0870  9    in diapers), he shuddered to think that the true meaning
P21 0880  7    of character might never dawn on them at all. A life
P21 0890  5    of gentility and principle such as Cousin Elec had
P21 0890 14    lived had to be known at first hand **h.
P21 0900  9       Poor George! The only boy, the family darling. Together
P21 0910  6    with her mother, both of them tense with worry lest
P21 0920  4    things should somehow go wrong. Theresa had seen him
P21 0930  2    through the right college, into the right fraternity,
P21 0930 10    and though pursued by various girls and various mammas
P21 0940  8    of girls, safely married to the right sort, however
P21 0950  5    much in the early years of that match his wife, Anne,
P21 0960  2    had not seemed to understand poor George. Could it
P21 0960 11    just be, Theresa wondered, that Anne had understood
P21 0970  7    only too well, and that George all along was extraordinary
P21 0980  6    only in the degree to which he was dull?
P21 0990  2       As for Cousin Alexander Carraway, the only thing
P21 1000  1    Theresa could remember at the moment about him (except
P21 1000 10    his paper knife) was that he had had exceptionally
P21 1010  7    long hands and feet and one night about one o'clock
P21 1020  4    in the morning the whole Stubblefield family had been
P21 1030  2    aroused to go next door at Cousin Emma's call- first
P21 1030 12    Papa, then Mother, then Theresa and George. There they
P21 1040  9    all did their uttermost to help Cousin Elec get a cramp
P21 1050  9    out of his foot. He had hobbled downstairs into the
P21 1060  5    parlor, in his agony, and was sitting, wrapped in his
P21 1070  3    bathrobe, on a footstool. He held his long clenched
P21 1070 12    foot in both hands, and this and his contorted face-
P21 1080 10    he was trying heroically not to cry out- made him look
P21 1090  8    like a large skinny old monkey. They all surrounded
P21 1100  3    him, the family circle, Theresa and George as solemn
P21 1110  1    as if they were watching the cat have kittens, and
P21 1110 11    Cousin Emma running back and forth with a kettle of
P21 1120  9    hot water which she poured steaming into a white enamelled
P21 1130  5    pan. "Can you think of anything to do"? she kept repeating.
P21 1140  4    "I hate to call the doctor but if this keeps up I'll
P21 1150  3    just have to! Can you think of anything to do"? "You
P21 1160  2    might treat it like the hiccups", said Papa. "Drop
P21 1160 11    a cold key down his back". "I just hope this happens
P21 1170 10    to you someday", said Cousin Elec, who was not at his
P21 1180  9    best. "Poor Cousin Elec", George said. He was younger
P21 1190  6    than Theresa: she remembered looking down and seeing
P21 1200  4    his great round eyes, while at the same time she was
P21 1210  1    dimly aware that her mother and father were not unamused.
P21 1210 11    "Poor Cousin Elec".
P21 1220  3       Now, here they both were, still the same, George
P21 1230  1    full of round-eyed woe, and Cousin Emma in despair.
P21 1230 11    Theresa shifted to a new page.
P21 1240  5       "Of course (George's letter continued), there are
P21 1250  3    practical problems to be considered. Cousin Emma is
P21 1250 11    alone in that big old house and won't hear to parting
P21 1260 11    from it. Robbie and Beryl tried their best to persuade
P21 1270  8    her to come and stay with them, and Anne and I have
P21 1280  6    told her she's more than welcome here, but I think
P21 1290  3    she feels that she might be an imposition, especially
P21 1290 12    as long as our Rosie is still in high school. The other
P21 1300 11    possibility is to make arrangements for her to let
P21 1310  7    out one or two of the rooms to some teacher of good
P21 1320  3    family or one of those solitary old ladies that Tuxapoka
P21 1330  1    is populated with- Miss Edna Whittaker, for example.
P21 1330  9    But there is more in this than meets the eye. A new
P21 1340 11    bathroom would certainly have to be put in. The wallpaper
P21 1350  8    in the back bedroom is literally crumbling off **h".
P21 1360  3    (Theresa skipped a page of details about the house.)
P21 1370  1    "I hope if you have any ideas along these lines you
P21 1370 12    will write me about them. I may settle on some makeshift
P21 1380 10    arrangements for the summer and wait until you return
P21 1390  6    in the fall so we can work out together the best **h".
P21 1400  4       I really shouldn't have smoked a cigarette so early
P21 1410  3    in the day, thought Theresa, it always makes me sick.
P21 1410 13    I'll start sneezing in a minute, sitting on these cold
P21 1420 10    steps. She got up, standing uncertainly for a moment,
P21 1430  7    then moving aside to let go past her, talking, a group
P21 1440  5    of young men. They wore shoes with pointed toes, odd
P21 1450  2    to American eyes, and narrow trousers, and their hair
P21 1450 11    looked unnaturally black and slick. Yet here they were
P21 1460  9    obviously thought to be handsome, and felt themselves
P21 1470  6    to be so. Just then a man approached her with a tray
P21 1480  5    of cheap cameos, Parker fountain pens, rosaries, papal
P21 1490  1    portraits. "No", said Theresa. "No, no"! she said.
P21 1490  9    The man did not wish to leave. He knew how to spread
P21 1500 12    himself against the borders of the space that had to
P21 1510  8    separate them. Carrozza rides in the park, the Colosseum
P21 1520  5    by moonlight, he specialized **h. Theresa turned away
P21 1530  2    to escape, and climbed to a higher landing where the
P21 1530 12    steps divided in two. There she walked to the far left
P21 1540 11    and leaned on a vacant section of banister, while the
P21 1550  6    vendor picked himself another well-dressed American
P21 1560  2    lady, carrying a camera and a handsome alligator bag,
P21 1570  1    ascending the steps alone. Was he ever successful,
P21 1570  9    Theresa wondered. The lady with the alligator bag registered
P21 1580  8    interest, doubt, then indignation; at last, alarm.
P21 1590  4    She cast about as though looking for a policeman: this
P21 1600  2    really shouldn't be allowed! Finally, she scurried
P21 1610  1    away up the steps.
P21 1610  5       Theresa Stubblefield, still holding the family letters
P21 1620  3    in one hand, realized that her whole trip to Europe
P21 1620 13    was viewed in family circles as an interlude between
P21 1630  9    Cousin Elec's death and "doing something" about Cousin
P21 1640  7    Emma. They were even, Anne and George, probably thinking
P21 1650  6    themselves very considerate in not hinting that she
P21 1660  4    really should cut out "one or two countries" and come
P21 1670  3    home in August to get Cousin Emma's house ready before
P21 1670 13    the teachers came to Tuxapoka in September. Of course,
P21 1680  9    it wasn't Anne and George's fault that one family crisis
P21 1690  8    seemed to follow another, and weren't they always emphasizing
P21 1700  6    that they really didn't know what they would do without
P21 1710  7    Theresa? The trouble is, Theresa thought, that while
P21 1720  4    everything that happens there is supposed to matter
P21 1730  2    supremely, nothing here is supposed even to exist.
P21 1730 10    They would not care if all of Europe were to sink into
P21 1740 11    the ocean tomorrow. It never registered with them that
P21 1750  6    I had time to real all of Balzac, Dickens, and Stendhal
P21 1760  3    while Papa was dying, not to mention everything in
P21 1770  2    the city library after Mother's operation. It would
P21 1770 10    have been exactly the same to them if I had read through
P21 1780 11    all twenty-six volumes of Elsie Dinsmore.
P21 1790  4       She arranged the letters carefully, one on top of
P21 1800  4    the other. Then, with a motion so suddenly violent
P21 1800 13    that she amazed herself, she tore them in two.
P21 1810  8       "Signora"?
P21 1820  1       She became aware that two Italian workmen, carrying
P21 1820  9    a large azalea pot, were standing before her and wanted
P21 1830  8    her to move so that they could begin arranging a new
P21 1840  5    row of the display.
P21 1840  9       "Mi diapiace, signora, ma **h insomma **h".
P21 1850  6       "Oh **h put it there"! She indicated a spot a little
P21 1860  7    distance away.
P22 0010  1    ##
P22 0010  2    I knew it as surely as everybody in Westfield- that
P22 0010 12    Lucille was a husband stealer. You can't keep that
P22 0020  9    kind of information quiet in a town of only 4000-plus.
P22 0030  8    And I've been told that just about every town, no matter
P22 0040  5    what its size, has its Lucille Warren.
P22 0050  1       Just as it has its Susan Dolan, though nobody'd
P22 0050 10    ever bothered to tell me that. Susan Dolan, that's
P22 0060  7    me.
P22 0060  8       They even talked about Lucille down at the Young
P22 0070  6    Christians' League where I spent a lot of time in Bible
P22 0080  7    classes and helping out with the office work for our
P22 0090  3    foreign mission. I never heard my folks talk about
P22 0090 12    her, though. They were good-living religious people,
P22 0100  7    and I can truthfully say I never heard them spread
P22 0110  6    any gossip about anybody. Even if they ever did say
P22 0120  3    anything about people like Lucille Warren, I know they
P22 0120 12    wouldn't have dreamed of saying it in front of me.
P22 0130 10    My folks and my faith protected me from things like
P22 0140  6    that.
P22 0140  7       And so I was really upset the first time I discovered
P22 0150  6    that my boy friend Johnnie was seeing Mrs& warren.
P22 0170  1    I asked him about it one night while we were sitting
P22 0180  1    in his truck. I asked him if it was true.
P22 0180 11       He gave me a straight, honest answer. "Look, Sue
P22 0190  5    baby", he'd said. Much as I love you- well, a guy's
P22 0200  6    a guy and Lucille's willing to- to come across. Honest,
P22 0210  5    kitten, that's all it is- I don't even like Lucille
P22 0220  3    much".
P22 0220  4       I guess it was at that moment that I realized what
P22 0230  3    I was up against in the person of Lucille Warren. But
P22 0240  1    it didn't seem fair. My love for Johnnie was young
P22 0240 11    and clean- how could I possibly compete with a woman
P22 0250  9    like that, who didn't hesitate to use her sex.
P22 0260  5       Johnnie was a trucker with a small lumber outfit
P22 0270  2    in a town about twenty miles away, and he was also
P22 0270 13    pretty good at anything in the carpentry line. It was
P22 0280  9    a vivid, sharp February morning that Johnnie first
P22 0290  5    made his appearance in my back yard, bringing some
P22 0300  2    stuff Dad had ordered. I wasn't in the habit of batting
P22 0310  1    my eyes at delivery men, but the moment I saw Johnnie,
P22 0310 12    I knew he was different. He wasn't only different-
P22 0320  6    he was it. He had an easy masculine grace about him,
P22 0330  6    the kind that kids don't have, but that I had sometimes
P22 0340  5    admired in other older men. His smile was quick, and
P22 0350  2    his eyes held some promised secret that made my knees
P22 0350 12    go limp.
P22 0360  1       The most unbelievable thing about the chance meeting
P22 0360  9    was that he seemed interested in me, too. I could hardly
P22 0370  9    believe such good luck was mine.
P22 0380  5       And now Lucille Warren had gotten a look at him.
P22 0390  3    I guess she was between affairs or something, but anyway,
P22 0390 13    she had set her sights on Johnnie, my Johnnie.
P22 0400  9       I didn't like it one bit. But what could I do? A
P22 0410 11    man had to have his release- at least that's what the
P22 0420  8    boys used to say in high school- and I wasn't providing
P22 0430  4    it for Johnnie. Neither was his wife. She wouldn't
P22 0431  2    have, even if he'd asked her.
P22 0431  8       But he wouldn't ask her- he wasn't the kind of man
P22 0432  9    who would force his wife to submit to him against her
P22 0433  5    will. And he wouldn't leave her either- he'd told me
P22 0434  3    that. He was too honorable to leave his wife penniless
P22 0434 13    and leave those helpless children without their daddy.
P22 0435  8       Johnnie loved me and wanted me. But the only love
P22 0436 10    I was giving him was the pure kind. It was weeks before
P22 0437  7    we even kissed for the first time.
P22 0440  1    ##
P22 0440  2    Against my folks' wishes, we'd been seeing each other
P22 0450  7    for short rides in the truck. The rides were tame enough-
P22 0460  6    mostly we talked. But by the time the first crackling
P22 0470  3    of spring came around, we both knew we were hopelessly
P22 0480  1    in love. Yet even then we did nothing much but talk,
P22 0480 12    and maybe neck a little.
P22 0490  3       "It's so crazy", I told him once. "I always imagined
P22 0500  2    I would probably end up marrying a minister or somebody
P22 0500 12    like that. Somebody with no vices. You know".
P22 0510  8       "And you fall for a lumber jockey".
P22 0520  6       "Who drinks far too much".
P22 0530  1       "And smokes too much".
P22 0530  5       "And", I was ticking off the items on my fingers,
P22 0540  6    "swears too much and goes out with the boys, whoever
P22 0550  2    they are, too much, and who never goes to church and
P22 0560  2    won't even listen when I try to persuade him to come
P22 0560 13    back to the fold".
P22 0570  2       He examined his nails carefully. "I could walk out
P22 0580  2    the door".
P22 0580  4       "Don't you dare".
P22 0580  7       "And never show my face or my truck around here
P22 0590  9    again". He still wasn't looking at me.
P22 0600  3       "You wouldn't".
P22 0600  5       "Or I could visit Lucille Warren".
P22 0610  3       "You wouldn't. Please! You wouldn't".
P22 0620  1       He shrugged noncommittally. "I might".
P22 0630  1       And now he was seeing her. He'd just admitted it
P22 0630 10    to me. I huddled miserably beside him in the truck.
P22 0640  7    It was all my doing- his seeing her. Johnnie and I
P22 0650  6    had been innocent in our love, and that was the way
P22 0660  3    I wanted to keep it. At first, Johnnie hadn't understood-
P22 0670  3    how could he, not being a religious person like me?
P22 0670 13    But then he had said, "All right, kid, if that's how
P22 0680 10    you want it, that's how it'll be".
P22 0690  4       But what had I done, trying to keep us pure? I had
P22 0700  3    driven him into the arms of that scheming woman. I
P22 0700 13    had just the same as delivered him into the hands of
P22 0710 10    the Devil!
P22 0720  1       So one week later, I surrendered to him in the little
P22 0720 11    motel on Route 10. My very first time. I was desperate
P22 0730  9    to hold him, to give him whatever in this world he
P22 0740  5    wanted or needed, and to keep him from the clutches
P22 0750  1    of Lucille Warren.
P22 0750  4       And, though at the time I blushed to admit it even
P22 0760  5    to myself, there was in me a growing desire, a sexual
P22 0770  1    awareness, that Johnnie had set in motion, an awareness
P22 0770 10    that no other man had ever triggered. I wanted him,
P22 0780  8    with a terrifying fierceness.
P22 0790  1       Astonishingly enough, it was my own voice I heard
P22 0790 10    there in the darkness, begging this man to make love
P22 0800  8    to me.
P22 0800 10       "Love me, Johnnie".
P22 0810  2       "I will, kitten"!
P22 0810  5       Outside, in the summertime fields behind the motel,
P22 0820  5    a thousand crickets serenaded us. "Will you always
P22 0830  3    love me this way"?
P22 0830  7       "Uh huh. Always".
P22 0840  1       "Mmm". And I snuggled closer to the man l loved.
P22 0850  1       It was as blissful and fulfilling a night as any
P22 0850 10    bride ever experienced. I had had no wedding ceremony,
P22 0860  7    no witnesses, no certificate of marriage, but I had
P22 0870  4    all the joy that goes with them.
P22 0870 11       "Johnnie **h?
P22 0880  2       "It can't be wrong, can it? Not really".
P22 0890  1       Johnnie rose on one elbow. "Stop worrying. It's
P22 0890  9    never wrong if love is real".
P22 0900  5       I took great comfort from his words, and smiled
P22 0910  3    to myself in the darkness. Infinite peace, complete
P22 0910 11    contentment. Idiot's delight, I later discovered.
P22 0920  6    ##
P22 0920  7    I felt no conflict between what I was doing and my
P22 0940  8    strict religious upbringing. I had always resisted
P22 0950  3    the passes made at me by other kids, and many times
P22 0960  1    I had thought about my love for Johnnie who, being
P22 0960 11    thirty, brought a maturity to love that the kids around
P22 0970  8    town could know nothing about. I had also thought a
P22 0980  6    lot about how God must look on true love, and so in
P22 0990  2    a way I was keeping my promise to God, my promise to
P22 0990 14    remain pure until I was married.
P22 1000  5       I was practically a bride, after all.
P22 1010  1       There would have been a ceremony if it had been
P22 1010 11    possible. Of this, I had no doubt. Wouldn't Johnnie
P22 1020  9    do practically anything in the world to insure my happiness?
P22 1030  8    Of course he would. He'd not only told me so, he'd
P22 1040  7    proved it. It wasn't Johnnie's fault that he was hopelessly
P22 1050  5    tied down to that frightful woman who did her best
P22 1060  3    to make his life unbearable. Just because he was honorable
P22 1070  1    enough to want to continue supporting his two children,
P22 1070 10    as any decent man would, that was no reason he should
P22 1080  9    be denied his own small share of happiness too. And
P22 1090  5    if I could contribute to that, I'd do it. The cost
P22 1100  2    didn't matter. No price is too high when true love
P22 1100 12    is at stake.
P22 1110  1       And I had no doubts about how true this love was.
P22 1110 12    I'd never even petted with a boy, and after I met Johnnie
P22 1120 12    he never touched me for the longest while, not until
P22 1130  8    I all but threw myself at him. He was plenty attentive,
P22 1140  5    all right, but he behaved like a gentleman, and I figured
P22 1150  4    that, emotionally, I was closer to his age than to
P22 1160  1    my own eighteen and a half. What could a mere twelve
P22 1160 12    years matter? It wasn't, I was sure, a difference in
P22 1170  9    age that came between people, but a difference in maturity.
P22 1180  6       And hadn't I rescued him from Lucille Warren? She'd
P22 1190  4    have gotten him, if I hadn't stopped her. After all,
P22 1200  4    Lucille Warren was a husband-stealer from way back.
P22 1210  2       But I'd been a good girl and now God was blessing
P22 1220  1    me with the gift of this magnificent man and the wondrous
P22 1220 12    love we shared. It was only fitting that we seek out
P22 1230 10    whatever joy our union might bring.
P22 1240  2       "Love me"?
P22 1240  4       "Uh-huh. Love you".
P22 1250  1       "Always and always, Johnnie"?
P22 1250  5       "Always".
P22 1260  1       "Mmm".
P22 1260  2       Convention time in Boston. A chill wind in the air
P22 1270  7    and the narrow streets packed with snow. From the entire
P22 1280  3    eastern half of the nation they'd be coming, members
P22 1290  1    of the Young Christians' League, and I'd been chosen
P22 1290 10    to represent our chapter.
P22 1300  3       I had mixed emotions about going. I'd been seeing
P22 1310  2    Johnnie almost a year now, but I still didn't want
P22 1310 12    to leave him for five whole days. But I had looked
P22 1320 10    forward so much to being with this church group. I
P22 1330  6    hadn't been doing as much work as I used to in Westfield
P22 1340  4    and I felt funny about that and wanted to work harder
P22 1350  1    than ever. I wanted to just throw myself into the good
P22 1350 12    works of this fine group. So I went to Boston.
P22 1360  8       The first meeting was held in Faneuil Hall, a great
P22 1370  7    big place where we were able to meet members from all
P22 1380  3    the other states. My cousin Alma, at whose home I was
P22 1390  1    staying during the convention, introduced me to a group
P22 1390 10    of young people from Rhode Island. One of them was
P22 1400  8    a very friendly, lovely fellow named Ronald, a boy
P22 1410  5    about my age with slick, blond hair and dancing blue
P22 1420  2    eyes. He looked very different from Johnnie- in fact,
P22 1420 11    he looked sort of like me. I thought so, and he mentioned
P22 1430 11    it, and Alma said so too.
P22 1440  3       After the meeting, there was going to be a party
P22 1440 13    at someone's house. I assumed Alma would get me there,
P22 1450 10    but in the confusion of the meeting breaking up, we
P22 1460  7    were separated. Outside the hall, I anxiously looked
P22 1470  4    around for her, then all at once there was a hand on
P22 1480  3    my elbow.
P22 1480  5       "Hey, there, beautiful twin of mine", Ronald said.
P22 1490  2    "Need a pumpkin to get to the party"?
P22 1490 10       I couldn't help laughing with him. "Well, I should
P22 1500  8    find Alma"- I began.
P22 1510  5       "Alma, Schmalma. Come along with me". I went.
P22 1520  1    ##
P22 1520  2    By the time we arrived, the party was already going
P22 1520 12    strong. A couple of the girls were laughing rather
P22 1530  9    shrilly and I realized they were drinking. My folks
P22 1540  6    wouldn't dream of having alcohol in the house, so my
P22 1550  4    first taste of it had been- of course- with Johnnie.
P22 1570  1    I hadn't liked it at first- it was bitter and burning.
P22 1570 12    But when Johnnie disguised the taste with ginger ale,
P22 1580  8    I enjoyed it. Of course I enjoyed 'most anything if
P22 1590  6    I did it with Johnnie. Johnnie **h I suddenly realized
P22 1600  5    he'd been totally out of my thoughts all evening. But
P22 1610  2    that was only natural, I decided; surely he was still
P22 1610 12    resting snugly in my heart.
P22 1620  5       "I don't see Alma anywhere", I said.
P22 1630  3       "She's invisible tonight. C'mon, let's find out
P22 1640  2    where they're keeping the glasses".
P22 1640  7       I drew back. "I- I don't think so, Ronald. Not for
P22 1650 10    me".
P22 1650 11       "Aw, come on".
P22 1660  2       "No- really".
P22 1660  4       He shrugged. "Okay. But at least come along while
P22 1670  6    I get lubricated".
P22 1670  9       The kitchen was jammed. Strange faces, most of them,
P22 1680  8    and I wasn't even sure all of them had come from the
P22 1690  8    League meeting.
P23 0010  1    Under normal circumstances, he had a certain bright-eyed
P23 0010 10    all-American-boy charm, with great appeal for young
P23 0020  6    ladies, old ladies, and dogs. Today, he looked like
P23 0030  5    an Astronaut who had left his vitamin pills on the
P23 0040  2    bureau and spent six months in space: hollow eyes,
P23 0040 11    hollow cheeks, hollow stomach. Breakfast, he thought.
P23 0050  6    A shot of orange juice would make everything seem better.
P23 0060  5    He looked around his little Eden: bureau, bed, table,
P23 0070  4    chair, two-burner stove. Then he remembered.
P23 0080  1       "You share a refrigerator", Mrs& Kirby had said,
P23 0080  9    and somehow, at midnight, after the long drive from
P23 0090  8    New York in pelting rain, that had sounded reasonable.
P23 0100  5    In the cold light of day, it seemed a lunatic arrangement.
P23 0110  2    Share bath, maybe- but share refrigerator? She had
P23 0120  2    explained it- something about summer people's eating
P23 0120  9    out and not enough space in the units. And where was
P23 0130 10    the thing? He remembered seeing it last night, when
P23 0140  6    he put away his small store of bachelor-type eatables.
P23 0150  2    Ah, yes- his half of a refrigerator stood outside,
P23 0160  1    on the "curving veranda" between Unit Number Three
P23 0160  9    and Unit Number Four.
P23 0170  2       It was still raining, and Mrs& Kirby's cottages
P23 0180  1    bloomed through the gray haze like the names they bore,
P23 0180 11    vivid blue and green and magenta. Charlie downed his
P23 0190  8    orange juice and one of the long, skinny green pills,
P23 0200  6    his spirits as damp as the day.
P23 0210  1       This vacation had seemed like a good idea last week,
P23 0210 10    when his doctor had prescribed it. "Take a full month",
P23 0220  7    the doctor had said. "Lots of sun, lots of rest. The
P23 0230  7    red pills are a vitamin-and-iron compound. This is
P23 0240  3    a sleeping capsule. The others will make you a little
P23 0240 13    more comfortable until you get it licked. You young
P23 0250  9    men get to be my age, you won't take flu so lightly".
P23 0260  7       Charlie had accepted the diagnosis without comment.
P23 0270  4    The doctor could call it anything from flu to beriberi;
P23 0280  3    but Charlie knew what was wrong with him and knew,
P23 0290  1    too, that there was no pill to cure it. He had loved
P23 0290 13    and lost Vivian Wayne to somebody else, had watched
P23 0300  7    her marry the somebody else, and had caught a bear
P23 0310  5    of a cold by kissing the bride good-by forever, which
P23 0320  1    was really piling it on. He had caught, too, like an
P23 0320 12    ailment, a confirmed distrust of women. Once burned-
P23 0330  6    scalded, really, because Vivian had given him every
P23 0340  5    encouragement- forever shy. From now on, his was going
P23 0350  4    to be a man's world: the North Woods, duck blinds at
P23 0360  2    dawning, beer and poker and male secretaries.
P23 0360  9       Meanwhile, he had this miserable cold, and as he
P23 0370  8    leaned against the refrigerator, watching the rain
P23 0380  3    make sandy puddles at his feet, the doctor's prescription
P23 0390  1    for lots of sun seemed like a hollow mockery. In these
P23 0390 12    damp circumstances, he was an odds-on bet to develop
P23 0400  9    pneumonia.
P23 0400 10       He looked up to see Mrs& Kirby, awesome in a black-and-yellow
P23 0410 12    polka-dotted slicker, bearing down on him. "Three-day
P23 0420  8    blow"! she bellowed triumphantly. He had noticed before
P23 0430  6    that the natives seemed to regard really filthy weather
P23 0440  4    as a kind of Pyhrric victory over the tourists. "Fine,
P23 0450  2    day after tomorrow", she added.
P23 0450  7       "I hope so", he said. "I've got this cold. Thought
P23 0460  8    I'd bake it out in the sun".
P23 0470  3       "Ah". She studied him briefly. "You've got a peaked
P23 0480  3    look. Better get in out of the wet".
P23 0480 11       Charlie forbore to mention that the wet was somewhat
P23 0490  8    universal, Peony being less than weatherproof. As for
P23 0500  5    its being fine, day after tomorrow, he had the unhappy
P23 0510  3    conviction that it would never be fine again, with
P23 0510 12    Vivian lost to him forever. He could imagine her at
P23 0520 10    this minute, honeymooning in Nassau with what's-his-name,
P23 0530  7    lounging on golden sands, looking forward to a life
P23 0540  5    of unalloyed bliss. All Charlie could look forward
P23 0550  1    to was a yellow pill at noon, a salami sandwich for
P23 0550 12    lunch, and a lonely old age- if he lived that long.
P23 0560  9       He leafed through the light reading provided by
P23 0570  5    Mrs& Kirby for her guests: four separate adventures
P23 0580  2    of the Bobbsey Twins (At the Seashore, At the Mountains,
P23 0590  1    On the Farm, and In Danger) and several agricultural
P23 0595  1    bulletins on the treatment of hoof-and-mouth disease
P23 0600  9    in cattle, hideously illustrated. He dozed, only to
P23 0610  6    dream of Vivian, and woke, only to crash into the night
P23 0620  5    table, bruising his other shin. He took a yellow pill,
P23 0630  2    only to choke on it, and went for the salami, only
P23 0630 13    to find something alive in the refrigerator- something
P23 0640  6    pink and fuzzy.
P23 0650  1       His first thought was that Mrs& Kirby, in her mania
P23 0650 11    for color, had dyed a cat and that cat had somehow
P23 0660  9    managed to open the refrigerator door and climb in;
P23 0670  5    but on further investigation, the thing proved to be
P23 0680  2    a sweater, of the long-hair variety that sheds onto
P23 0680 12    men's jackets- pale, pale pink and, according to the
P23 0690 10    label, size thirty-four. He thought about it for a
P23 0700  6    minute, could find no reasonable explanation for the
P23 0710  3    presence of a sweater in the refrigerator, got the
P23 0710 12    salami, bread, and a Bermuda onion, and put the whole
P23 0720  9    thing out of his mind.
P23 0730  1    ##
P23 0730  1    Next morning, he found a note in the refrigerator.
P23 0730 10    "Would you mind wrapping your onion"? said this note.
P23 0740  8    "The smell permeates everything"! Everything being
P23 0750  4    the sweater, a lipstick case, and a squirt bottle of
P23 0760  5    Kissin' Kare pink hand lotion. The note paper was pink,
P23 0770  3    too, and the handwriting small and dainty and utterly
P23 0770 12    feminine. Not that he had supposed, considering the
P23 0780  8    evidence, that he was sharing this refrigerator with
P23 0790  5    a member of the Beach Patrol. He scrawled "Sorry" across
P23 0800  3    the bottom of the note and then, against his better
P23 0810  2    judgment, added: "Don't you eat"? He didn't want to
P23 0820  2    encourage anything here; but on the other hand, he
P23 0820 11    didn't want her swiping his salami.
P23 0830  5       "Not onions", came the answer the following day.
P23 0840  3    "Ugh".
P23 0840  4       Must have really smelled up her sweater, he thought,
P23 0850  4    and wondered idly just why she kept the sweater fast-frozen.
P23 0860  1    But then, as he well knew, women are not guided by
P23 0860 12    logic or common sense. Take Vivian. Yes, take Vivian.
P23 0870  9    Somebody had.
P23 0880  1       Now, if this were Vivian next door to him and if,
P23 0880 12    for some obscure female reason, she kept her clothes
P23 0890  7    in the refrigerator, they would not be pink. They would
P23 0900  6    be black or white or horse-blanket plaid, chic and
P23 0910  2    splashy, like Vivian herself. Pink, Vivian once had
P23 0910 10    told him, was for baby girls, and grown-up girls who
P23 0930 10    wore pink were subconsciously clinging to their infancy.
P23 0940  5       "Why does this girl keep a sweater in the refrigerator"?
P23 0950  4    he mused aloud.
P23 0950  7    ##
P23 0950  8    Eh"? It was Mrs& Kirby, making her toilsome way along
P23 0960  8    the veranda, laden with a clattery collection of mops,
P23 0970  6    brushes, and pails. "What's that you say"?
P23 0980  3       "Oh, nothing. Just glad the rain's stopped".
P23 0990  1       "Oh, yes. Just look at that sky. Be a scorcher by
P23 0990 12    afternoon".
P23 1000  1       "I hope so. I've got this cold".
P23 1000  8       "So you said". She scrutinized him. "My, you're
P23 1010  8    peaked. You want to watch out that you don't get burned
P23 1020  9    to an ash, first sunny day. I must remember to warn
P23 1030  6    the girl next to you in Larkspur. That pale kind's
P23 1040  2    the worst".
P23 1040  4       That pale kind, Charlie thought. Hardly an inviting
P23 1050  3    description. But then, neither was peaked. He could
P23 1060  1    hear Mrs& Kirby now, warning her pale guest against
P23 1060 10    sunburn. "I spoke to the fellow next door, too", she
P23 1070  9    might say. "He's that peaked kind".
P23 1080  3       Surely there was a better word. Charlie looked in
P23 1090  2    the mirror. Run-down, iron-poor. He looked more closely.
P23 1090 12    Frail, feeble- peaked. Clearly, two damp days with
P23 1100  6    the Bobbsey Twins had done him no good.
P23 1110  6       The sun, blazing hot as prophesied, was far from
P23 1120  3    kind to Mrs& Kirby's varicolored properties. When Charlie
P23 1130  1    came up from the beach for his four-o'clock pill, the
P23 1130 12    whole establishment (gaudy enough when seen through
P23 1140  6    mist and fog) looked like a floodlit modern painting-
P23 1150  4    great blocks of dizzy color, punctuated at regular
P23 1160  2    intervals by the glaring white of five community refrigerators.
P23 1170  1    This weekend, he thought, he would look around for
P23 1170 10    some more subdued retreat, with Cape roses, maybe,
P23 1180  6    at the door. He could not imagine a flower's being
P23 1190  4    brave enough to grow beside Peony, Larkspur, and the
P23 1200  2    rest.
P23 1200  3       The sweater was gone from the refrigerator, and
P23 1200 11    in its place was a large plastic bag, full of wet pink
P23 1210 12    clothes. No wonder she was so pale, wearing all those
P23 1220  8    cold clothes.
P23 1220 10       He got a red pill and a beer and then, on impulse,
P23 1230 10    transferred the rest of his salami to her side of the
P23 1240  7    refrigerator and scrawled "Be my guest" on the wrapping.
P23 1250  4    It gave him a good feeling.
P23 1250 10       "M-m-m. Thanks", was her answer the next day. The
P23 1260  8    note was propped against his pill bottles and bore
P23 1270  5    a postscript: "You're not at all well, are you"?
P23 1280  2       "I've got this cold", he wrote. Not that it was
P23 1290  2    any of her business.
P23 1290  6       "It's none of my business", said the next note,
P23 1300  4    "but my aunt Elsie used to take lemon juice and honey
P23 1310  1    in hot water for a cold, and she lived to be ninety-six.
P23 1310 14    I mean, she's still living, and she's ninety-six. Why
P23 1320  9    don't you try that"?
P23 1330  1       "I don't have a lemon". He had to write very small
P23 1340  1    to get it on the bottom of the scrap of paper.
P23 1340 12       By the next morning, she had turned the paper over.
P23 1350  8    "Gee, neither do I".
P23 1360  1       Charlie grinned. She didn't sound like a pale girl.
P23 1360 10    She sounded a little like a redhead. But then, redheads
P23 1370 10    are often pale.
P23 1380  1       He stuck his head in Mrs& Kirby's little rental
P23 1380 10    office. "I guess that redhead next to me took your
P23 1390 10    advice. I haven't seen her on the beach".
P23 1400  5       "You won't, if you're looking for a redhead. She's
P23 1410  4    got browny hair".
P23 1410  7       He spent that afternoon on the beach, looking for
P23 1420  6    a pale, browny-haired girl in a pink bathing suit.
P23 1430  2    There were pink bathing suits on blondes, and browny-haired
P23 1440  1    girls in red or black or green bathing suits. There
P23 1440 11    were a sprinkling of daring bikinis and a preponderance
P23 1450  7    of glorified tank suits. Up on a dune, he saw a girl,
P23 1460  7    all by herself, sitting on a camp stool before an easel
P23 1470  3    and absorbed in her painting. He paid little attention
P23 1470 12    to her because she was a redhead and because she was
P23 1480 10    wearing white- one of those bulky, turtle-neck sweaters.
P23 1490  7    On the beach, there were pale girls and not-so-pale
P23 1500  5    girls. And he saw them all as he walked up and down.
P23 1510  1       At two that morning, he was still walking- up and
P23 1510 11    down Peony, up and down the veranda, up and down the
P23 1520 11    silent, moonlit beach. Finally, in desperation, he
P23 1530  5    opened the refrigerator, filched her hand lotion, and
P23 1540  3    left a note. "I've got this sunburn", said the note,
P23 1550  1    "and I used some of your hand lotion. Hope you don't
P23 1550 12    mind".
P23 1560  1       "Of course I don't mind", she answered. "You're
P23 1570  1    having a miserable time, aren't you? Use all the lotion
P23 1570 11    you want, and for goodness' sake, stay in out of the
P23 1580 10    sun for a couple of days".
P23 1590  1       This was a very warm, sympathetic girl, he decided.
P23 1590 10    Sympathy is a fine quality in a woman. Now Vivian,
P23 1600 10    for instance, was not too long on sympathy. She felt,
P23 1610  7    and said, that sympathy only made people feel sorry
P23 1620  3    for themselves; it was a tough world, and you had to
P23 1630  1    be tough to hold your own. He didn't know what was
P23 1630 12    so tough about Vivian's world, slopping around Nassau
P23 1640  6    with what's-his-name. Suppose what's-his-name got a
P23 1650  6    sunburn? Charlie couldn't see Vivian offering any hand
P23 1660  4    lotion. She might peel him, once the worst of the agony
P23 1670  2    was over.
P23 1670  4    ##
P23 1670  5    Charlie spent the next two days in his pajama bottoms,
P23 1680  2    waiting for the fire in his back to subside, and used
P23 1680 13    generous quantities of the hand lotion.
P23 1690  6       Correspondence passed back and forth.
P23 1700  3       "How's your sunburn now? The only thing, this lotion
P23 1710  2    has glycerin in it, and that whitens the skin, so if
P23 1710 13    you're so anxious to get a tan, you may not want to
P23 1720 12    use it".
P23 1720 14       "I'm not that anxious, but maybe that's why you're
P23 1730  9    so fair".
P23 1740  1       "That Mrs& Kirby! I'll bet she told you I was puny,
P23 1740 12    too. How's your cold"?
P23 1750  4       "Broiled out. She didn't say you were puny. Are
P23 1760  5    you? What's puny"?
P23 1760  8       "Puny goes with pale and peaked. Do you have anything
P23 1770  9    to read while you're shut up? There are two things
P23 1780  6    here about Surviving in the Wilderness, and a book
P23 1790  4    called 'Tom Swift and His Speedy Canoe'; but the picture
P23 1800  2    of Tom Swift is pretty sinister. Also the canoe".
P24 0010  1    There was a crowd in the stands for a change and the
P24 0010 13    sun was hot. The new Riverside pitcher turned out to
P24 0020  7    have an overhand fast ball that took a hop. For a few
P24 0030  7    innings the Anniston team couldn't figure him out.
P24 0040  2    Then, in the fifth, Anniston's kid catcher caught onto
P24 0040 11    a curve and smacked the ball into left center field.
P24 0050  9    @ Eddie Lee, Riverside's redheaded playing manager,
P24 0060  4    ran after the ball but it rolled past him. Phil Rossoff
P24 0070  5    cut over to center from left field to get the relay.
P24 0080  2    Eddie caught up with the ball near the fence and threw
P24 0080 13    it to Phil. @ "Third! Third base"! Eddie shouted. @
P24 0090  9    Phil spun around and made an accurate throw into Mike
P24 0100 10    Deegan's hands on third base. Mike caught the ball
P24 0110  7    just as the catcher slid into the bag. But the Anniston
P24 0120  4    boy had begun his slide too late. He came into the
P24 0130  2    bag with his body and Mike Deegan brought the ball
P24 0130 12    down full in his face. @ "You bastard"! the Anniston
P24 0150  5    catcher screamed. He jumped to his feet and started
P24 0160  7    to throw punches. Mike Deegan tossed his glove away
P24 0170  4    and began to swing at the catcher. This brought in
P24 0170 14    everybody from both sides, while the spectators stood
P24 0180  8    up and added to the uproar. @ The fighters were separated
P24 0190  7    in a few minutes. The game was resumed. But Mike Deegan
P24 0200  6    was boiling mad now. When the inning was over he cursed
P24 0210  5    the Anniston catcher all the way into the dugout. @
P24 0220  2    Phil Rossoff, coming in from left field, stopped at
P24 0220 11    the water fountain for a drink. Mike Deegan was standing
P24 0230  9    beside it, facing the field. He was eyeing the Anniston
P24 0240  7    catcher warming up his pitcher before the inning began.
P24 0250  4    @ "Keep your eyes open, sonny"! Mike yelled to the
P24 0260  4    catcher. "You're in for trouble". @ The Anniston catcher
P24 0280  2    did not reply with words. He simply turned to Mike
P24 0280 12    and smiled. This so infuriated Deegan that he spun
P24 0290  8    around and said: "I'll get that little bastard. So
P24 0300  6    help me God, I'll get him".
P24 0310  1       Phil Rossoff said: "Why don't you leave him alone"?
P24 0320  1       "Mind your own goddamn business", Mike Deegan said.
P24 0320  9       Phil shrugged. He stepped into the dugout, wondering
P24 0330  9    why Deegan was always looking for trouble. Maybe the
P24 0340  8    answer was in his eyes. When Deegan smiled his eyes
P24 0350  5    never fit in with his lips.
P24 0350 11       In the last of the sixth inning Mike Deegan got
P24 0360  9    up to bat and hit a fast ball over the left fielder's
P24 0370  6    head. By the time the fielder got his hands on the
P24 0380  4    ball Deegan was rounding third base and heading for
P24 0380 13    home. The left fielder threw and it was a good one.
P24 0390 11    But Mike had no chance of being tagged. The Anniston
P24 0400  6    catcher was straddling home plate. All Deegan had to
P24 0410  5    do was slide, fall away, but instead, he rammed into
P24 0420  1    the catcher.
P24 0420  3       Both fell heavily to the ground.
P24 0420  9       Only Mike got to his feet. He went back to touch
P24 0430 11    home plate, turned and walked to the dugout without
P24 0440  6    looking back.
P24 0440  8       The Anniston players and their manager ran out on
P24 0450  7    the field. They poured water over their catcher's face.
P24 0460  3    He did not move. Then the manager called for a doctor.
P24 0470  2    The Riverside physician came down to look over the
P24 0470 11    injured ballplayer. Then, quickly, and a little nervously,
P24 0480  8    the doctor ordered a couple of ballplayers to carry
P24 0490  7    the catcher into the dressing room.
P24 0500  1       Mike Deegan was sitting on the bench, watching.
P24 0500  9    When the ballplayers started to carry the catcher off
P24 0510  7    the field he said: "That ought to teach the sonofabitch".
P24 0520  6       Phil Rossoff, seated next to Deegan, got up and
P24 0530  6    moved to the other end of the bench.
P24 0540  1       The Anniston manager was coming over to the Riverside
P24 0540  9    dugout. He was followed by four of his men. It began
P24 0550  9    to look as if something was going to happen. Mike sat
P24 0560  5    quitely watching the manager come nearer. Eddie Lee
P24 0570  2    moved over to Mike Deegan's side. No one said a word.
P24 0570 13       The Anniston manager came right up to the dugout
P24 0580 10    in front of Mike. His face was flushed.
P24 0590  5       "Deegan", the manager said, his voice pitched low,
P24 0600  4    quivering. "That was a rotten thing to do".
P24 0610  1       "For God's sake", Mike said, waving the manager
P24 0610  9    away. "Stop it, will you? Tell your guys not to block
P24 0620 11    the plate".
P24 0630  1       "You didn't have to ram him".
P24 0630  7       "That's what you say".
P24 0640  2       The Anniston manager looked at Eddie Lee. It was
P24 0650  2    a cold and calculated look. He turned and went back
P24 0650 12    across the field to his dugout. He called in the pitcher
P24 0660  9    who had been pitching, and a big, heavy, powerfully
P24 0670  5    built right hander moved out to the mound for Anniston.
P24 0680  3       The game started again and in the eighth inning
P24 0690  1    Mike Deegan came up to bat. Everyone in the ball park
P24 0690 12    seemed to be standing and shouting.
P24 0700  4       The first ball the hefty pitcher threw came in for
P24 0710  4    Mike's head. Deegan fell into the dirt, the ball going
P24 0720  1    over him. He arose slowly and brushed himself off.
P24 0720 10    He got back into the batter's box and on the next pitch
P24 0730 10    dropped into the dirt again.
P24 0740  1       "Hit the bum"! somebody yelled from the Anniston
P24 0750  1    bench.
P24 0750  2       In the Riverside dugout Frankie Ricco, shortstop,
P24 0750  9    whispered into Phil's ear: "There's gonna be a fight".
P24 0770  1       "Look at those bastards"! Charlie Haydon, a pitcher,
P24 0770  9    said. "They're looking for trouble".
P24 0780  5       Mike was slow getting into the box this time. When
P24 0790  6    he finally did he had to duck his head quickly away
P24 0800  2    as the pitch came in.
P24 0800  7       "Listen"! he shouted to the pitcher. "One more and
P24 0810  6    I'm coming out there"!
P24 0820  1       "I'll be waiting"! the pitcher yelled back.
P24 0820  7       Mike Deegan pounded the rubber plate with the end
P24 0830  8    of his bat. He stood flat-footed in the box, but not
P24 0840  6    very close to the plate now. The pitcher wound up and
P24 0850  3    the ball came in straight for Mike's head. Deegan dropped,
P24 0860  1    got up, turned and, holding the bat with both hands
P24 0860 11    up against his chest, began to walk slowly out to the
P24 0870  9    mound. The pitcher tossed his glove away and came towards
P24 0880  6    Mike Deegan. They were both walking towards each other,
P24 0890  3    unhurried.
P24 0890  4       Riverside and Anniston players rushed out on the
P24 0900  4    field. In the next moment, it seemed, the infield was
P24 0910  1    crowded with spectators, ballplayers, cops, kids and
P24 0910  8    a dog. There was much shouting and screaming. Fights
P24 0920  6    sprang up and were quickly squelched. Mike and the
P24 0930  4    Anniston pitcher were pulled away before they even
P24 0940  1    came together.
P24 0940  3       Phil Rossoff and two other Riverside players did
P24 0950  2    not go out on the field when the fighting started.
P24 0950 12       After the game, Phil was taking off his sweatshirt
P24 0960  9    in the dressing room when Mike Deegan came in.
P24 0970  5       "It's a helluva thing", Mike said, looking at Phil,
P24 0980  5    "when a guy's own team-mate won't come out and help
P24 0990  4    him in a fight".
P24 0990  8       Phil sighed and pulled the wet sweatshirt over his
P24 1000  4    head. Frankie Ricco sat down on the bench near Phil.
P24 1010  2    The other players were undressing quietly. Eddie Lee
P24 1010 10    had not come in yet.
P24 1020  4       Mike went over to Phil and stood over him. "Why
P24 1030  1    the hell didn't you come out when you saw them gang
P24 1030 12    up on me"?
P24 1040  1       "I didn't think it was necessary".
P24 1040  7       "Well! Now that's just fine! You didn't think it
P24 1050  9    was necessary". Mike placed both his hands on his hips.
P24 1060  8    He pushed his jaw forward. "Listen, wise guy, if you
P24 1070  5    think I'm gonna do all the fighting for this ball club
P24 1080  5    you're crazy".
P24 1080  7       Mike had a good two inches over Phil and Phil had
P24 1090  6    to look up into Mike's face.
P24 1100  1       "I didn't ask you to fight for the ball club", Phil
P24 1100 11    said slowly. "Nobody else did, either".
P24 1110  5       "You trying to say I started the fight"?
P24 1120  3       "I'm not trying to say anything".
P24 1130  1       Phil turned away and opened his locker, and then
P24 1130 10    he heard Mike Deegan say: "You're yellow, Rossoff"!
P24 1140  6    and Phil banged his locker door shut and spun around.
P24 1150  8    But before anything could happen Frankie Ricco was
P24 1160  4    between them and Eddie Lee had come into the dressing
P24 1170  2    room.
P24 1170  3       "Phil, come into my office", Eddie said.
P24 1180  1       Phil followed Eddie into the office and shut the
P24 1180 10    door. He sat down before Eddie's desk.
P24 1190  5       "I'm doing you a favor", Eddie said quickly. "You
P24 1200  5    get your unconditional release as of today".
P24 1210  1       Phil's eyes widened just a trifle.
P24 1210  7       "The best thing for you to do", Eddie said, "is
P24 1220  9    go home. You don't belong in professional baseball".
P24 1230  4       Phil had to clear his throat. "Is this because of
P24 1240  5    what happened out there"?
P24 1240  9       "No", Eddie said. "But it does confirm what I've
P24 1250  9    suspected all along".
P24 1260  1       Phil stood up. "Listen! This is the second time
P24 1270  1    **h"
P24 1270  2       "Sit down, sit down", Eddie said. "I'm not saying
P24 1280  1    you're yellow. I am saying you're not a professional
P24 1280 10    ballplayer".
P24 1290  1       Eddie Lee leaned forward over the desk. "Now listen
P24 1300  1    to me, Phil. I'm not steering you wrong. You haven't
P24 1300 11    got the heart for baseball".
P24 1310  5       Phil shook his head and Eddie frowned. Suddenly
P24 1320  2    his voice grew hard. "What the hell do you think baseball
P24 1330  1    is? You're not in the big leagues, but if you can't
P24 1330 12    give and take down here what the hell do you think
P24 1340 11    it'll be like up there"?
P24 1350  1       Phil started to say something but Eddie cut him
P24 1350 10    short. "Now don't tell me what a good ball player you
P24 1360 11    are. I know you've got talent. But what you haven't
P24 1370  7    got is the heart to back up that talent with. The heart,
P24 1380  6    Phil. You just haven't got the heart for pro-ball,
P24 1390  4    and that's it".
P24 1390  7       Dazed, Phil said: "I don't get it. My batting average
P24 1400  7    **h"
P24 1400  8       Eddie stood up abruptly, then sat down just as abruptly.
P24 1410  7    "What difference does your batting average make? Or
P24 1420  5    your fielding average. Or even the way you run bases.
P24 1430  3    I tell you when it's necessary to hurt in order to
P24 1430 14    win- you won't do it. That's what I mean by no heart
P24 1440 14    for the game. Baseball's no cinch. Deegan had no business
P24 1450  9    ramming into that kid out there. He did it because
P24 1460  8    he knows for each guy he puts out of commission that's
P24 1470  4    one less who might take his job away later on. What
P24 1480  2    the hell do you think baseball is? A sport? It's a
P24 1480 13    way of life, goddamit! And you've got to be ready to
P24 1500  5    cut to ribbons anybody who want to take your way of
P24 1510  8    life away from you"!
P24 1510 12       He's wrong! Phil thought. It's only his opinion.
P24 1520  8    There were other clubs in this league. He stood up
P24 1530  9    slowly. He was a little pale and shaky. His lips felt
P24 1540  6    glued together.
P24 1540  8       "I think you're wrong, Eddie", he said finally.
P24 1550  6       Eddie nodded. "Okay. You'll get your pay in the
P24 1560  6    morning".
P24 1560  7       Phil turned and left the room, hearing Eddie say:
P24 1570  6    "Someday you'll see I was right".
P24 1580  1       Phil shut the door behind him. Outside in the dressing
P24 1580 11    room, Frankie Ricco sat on the bench dressed in his
P24 1595  9    street clothes.
P24 1600  1       "What happened"? Frankie asked.
P24 1600  5       Phil said: "I got my release".
P24 1610  4       "You crazy"?
P24 1610  6       Phil shrugged.
P24 1620  1       "What for"?
P24 1620  3       Phil sighed.
P24 1620  5       Frankie shook his head. "I don't get it".
P24 1630  6       "I don't know", Phil said.
P24 1640  2       They were silent for a few moments. Then Frankie
P24 1640 11    said: "What are you gonna do"?
P24 1650  6       Phil started to take his clothes off and Frankie
P24 1660  4    sat down on the bench again. Phil took off one shoe
P24 1670  2    and stared at it.
P24 1670  6       "Don't take it like this", Frankie said. "Hell,
P24 1680  3    plenty of guys get let out and come back later. The
P24 1690  1    leagues are full of guys like that".
P24 1690  8       Phil was very quiet.
P24 1700  1       "What are you gonna do, Phil"?
P24 1700  7       Phil did not answer.
P24 1710  1       "Why not try another club"?
P24 1710  6       Phil looked up. What the hell right did Eddie have
P24 1720  8    saying a thing like that?
P24 1730  1       "Springfield's in tomorrow", Frankie said. "Talk
P24 1730  7    to Whitey Jackson".
P24 1740  2       He just didn't know what he was talking about, saying
P24 1750  2    a thing like that.
P24 1750  6       "Will you do it, Phil"?
P24 1760  1       "Do what"?
P24 1760  3       "Ask Whitey for a job".
P24 1770  1       Phil nodded. "Sure", he said. "Springfield come
P24 1770  7    in tomorrow"?
P24 1780  1       Frankie nodded.
P24 1780  3       "I'll speak to Whitey".
P24 1790  1       "Atta boy".
P24 1790  3       "I'll talk to him, all right".
P24 1800  1       "Don't worry", Frankie said. "You'll get a job there.
P24 1810  1    He needs outfielders bad".
P24 1810  5       "I'm not worried about it", Phil said.
P24 1820  3       "That's the way to talk. What else did Eddie have
P24 1830  2    to say"?
P24 1830  4       "Nothing", Phil said.
P25 0010  1       Richard's next interest seemed the product of his
P25 0010  9    insularity. His broad reading took him into certain
P25 0020  8    by-ways of religion and the subject of religion began
P25 0030  5    to fascinate him. When he was twelve he took to reading
P25 0040  3    St& Augustine and Aquinas, then Lao-tse, Confucius,
P25 0050  1    Mencius, Suzuki, Hindu tomes by endless Krishnaists
P25 0050  8    and numerous socio-archaeological papers. For his birthday,
P25 0060  7    because Richard had seen them in a store and asked
P25 0070  8    for them, his mother bought him the Zend-Avesta and
P25 0080  2    a little image of the Indian god, Acala. And one day,
P25 0090  2    on her own, his mother came home with a present entitled
P25 0090 13    The Book of the Dead, which she suspected Richard would
P25 0100 10    enjoy. He was enormously happy with her gift and smiled,
P25 0110  8    then went to his room to read.
P25 0120  2       At dinner one night, when he was fourteen, Richard
P25 0120 11    announced, "There is only one god".
P25 0130  6       "Did you think there were two"? grinned his father.
P25 0140  5       "You don't understand", Richard said gloomily.
P25 0150  4       Through quiet laughter his mother said, "Don't speak
P25 0160  3    to your father like that, Richard".
P25 0160  9       Richard seldom spoke anyhow and he didn't speak
P25 0170  8    to his parents about religion again.
P25 0180  3       His interest in the formal study of religion waned
P25 0190  1    when he was sixteen and he substituted for it an interest
P25 0190 12    in Asian affairs. Although he still didn't speak to
P25 0200  8    anyone, he grew fond of saying, "The future lies in
P25 0210  7    Asia", when the opportunity arose, and when he graduated
P25 0220  5    from high school his parents sent him to New York to
P25 0230  3    give him a foundation, they said, for his life in Asian
P25 0230 14    studies.
P25 0240  1       Richard was a solitary student in New York and acquired,
P25 0250  1    in his remoteness, a thorough if bookish knowledge
P25 0250  9    of Asian lore, literature, life, politics and history.
P25 0260  6    He was awarded a fellowship to continue his studies
P25 0270  4    in Tokyo and he packed up his clothes, the biwa upon
P25 0280  2    which he had been practicing and his image of Acala,
P25 0280 12    and left to spend a week at home before leaving the
P25 0290 10    country.
P25 0290 11       The week at home was not comfortable. His mother,
P25 0300  7    who had seen little of him for four years, appeared
P25 0310  4    worried about his sailing off by himself for an Orient
P25 0320  2    which, she herself having slight knowledge of it, had
P25 0320 11    to be distrusted. She seemed to work to grow close
P25 0330  8    to her son in the few days he spent at home, talking
P25 0340  6    to him about some of the more pleasant moments of his
P25 0350  3    childhood and then trying to talk to him about those
P25 0350 13    things in which he alone was interested.
P25 0360  7       "Do you still have The Book of the Dead"? she asked
P25 0370  7    him and, laughing, she added, "I was nervous about
P25 0380  4    buying a book with a title like that, but I knew you'd
P25 0390  2    like it".
P25 0390  4       "Yes", he lied to shorten the conversation, "I still
P25 0400  3    have it". He was no longer able to relax in the presence
P25 0410  2    of his parents and found it difficult to keep up a
P25 0410 13    conversation with his mother or father, no matter the
P25 0420  9    subject. As for The Book of the Dead, it along with
P25 0430  8    his other books on religion had been incarcerated in
P25 0440  3    a furnace in the basement of the building in which
P25 0450  1    he had lived in New York. He had dusted each of the
P25 0450 13    books carefully and carried them all to the basement
P25 0460  8    and, trembling at having to open the big furnace, given
P25 0470  5    them up to the flames. Then he sped from the dark basement
P25 0480  3    and returned to his room and cried.
P25 0480 10       Richard left America with his clothes, his biwa
P25 0490  7    and his image of Acala and, on the freighter which
P25 0500  3    took him to Japan, he plucked at the biwa, trying to
P25 0510  2    make the sounds he wrought resemble an ancient Japanese
P25 0510 11    tune he had once heard. During his second week at sea
P25 0520  9    he brought the curious melody out of the instrument
P25 0530  5    and suddenly wanted to force the biwa to remain at
P25 0540  2    just that moment in its history when it had given him
P25 0540 13    pleasure. He stole from his cabin late that night and
P25 0550 10    crept out into a gusty North Pacific wind and dropped
P25 0560  6    the biwa into the water. It was so dark that he didn't
P25 0570  4    see it hit the water and the noisy rush of the ocean
P25 0580  1    kept him from hearing it. It was as though the biwa
P25 0580 12    had been eaten up by the wind.
P25 0600  4       In Tokyo Richard took up a life similar to that
P25 0610  2    which he had lived in New York, except that he had
P25 0610 13    replaced his biwa with a friend. An American student
P25 0620  8    named Charlotte Adams had refused to take notice of
P25 0630  6    his evident aversion to people and had at last succeeded
P25 0640  3    in getting him to talk to her. He had nothing much
P25 0640 14    to say to her but that he said anything seemed to please
P25 0650 12    her and he accompanied her on some of her unusually
P25 0660  7    searching tours of Tokyo. In Charlotte, Richard saw
P25 0670  3    a frankness and a zest for doing things which, after
P25 0680  2    a fashion, he envied. In time, he grew to depend upon
P25 0680 13    her occasional company and she at length was able to
P25 0690  9    encourage him to participate in more social activity.
P25 0700  5    She convinced him that he ought to be a member of some
P25 0710  3    of the small tea-drinking parties she held at her rooms
P25 0720  1    and in the end he complied with her wishes, although
P25 0720 11    it was only rarely that he added anything to the random
P25 0730  8    conversations.
P25 0730  9       At one such gathering Charlotte announced, "I was
P25 0740  6    at Ryusenji today. Have you ever been to Ryusenji"?
P25 0750  6    No one had. "Well, it's at Fudomae and there was a
P25 0760  5    tan young man, quite naked, taking a shower in the
P25 0770  2    pool. I was thoroughly startled".
P25 0770  7       Richard thought it a more promising remark than
P25 0780  5    any made during the last conversation, but Charlotte's
P25 0790  2    manner during the gatherings was more flippant and
P25 0790 10    superficial than when she was alone with him and he
P25 0800 10    was sure her remark would lead to nothing much better
P25 0810  6    than the pointless words which had preceded it. Three
P25 0820  3    of the four persons present, all foreign students in
P25 0830  1    Tokyo, had been playing a game of judging popular Japanese
P25 0830 11    foods by the In and Out system, an equation in which
P25 0840 10    Zen philosophy was used as the modifier. Soba, udon
P25 0850  6    and tea were In because they could be taken noisily.
P25 0860  3    Sushi was Out because it was pretentious. Sashimi was
P25 0870  1    In, Samuel Burns had suggested, because it was too
P25 0870 10    far Out to stay Out, even if it was a little pretentious.
P25 0890  9    Richard had kept his eyes down throughout the game,
P25 0900  5    the very sound of the chatter nearly painful to his
P25 0910  3    ears.
P25 0910  4       "He wasn't the least bit disturbed by my watching
P25 0920  2    him", said Charlotte.
P25 0920  5       "Did you watch him"? asked a red-haired girl named
P25 0930  6    Ceecee Witter. "I shouldn't have been able to do that".
P25 0940  5       "Well I was able to do it", Charlotte said with
P25 0950  3    no sign of irritation. "For a minute, anyhow. I'm surprised
P25 0960  2    no one has been there. I've been there a number of
P25 0960 13    times. Sam, I thought you knew everything about Tokyo.
P25 0970  9    You've never been to Ryusenji"?
P25 0980  4       "I've heard about it", Samuel Burns said. "There's
P25 0990  4    a little place there called Lovers Mound dedicated
P25 1000  2    to Gompachi and Komurasaki".
P25 1000  6       "Yes, a little parkish place", Charlotte said, and
P25 1010  5    concluded, "Anyhow, it's all very nice. And the man
P25 1020  6    who brought sweet potatoes into Kanto is buried there,
P25 1030  2    next to a beautiful seated statue of Fudo. Oh, that's
P25 1030 12    what I meant to tell you. This is the interesting part,
P25 1040 11    Richard", she had a bothersome habit of trying to pull
P25 1050 10    him into the talking. "There was that fellow out there
P25 1060  6    in the bitter cold"-
P25 1060 10       "My God, it was cold today", said Samuel Burns.
P25 1070  9    "Twenty-two or twenty-three".
P25 1080  4       "And the water would be still colder", Ceecee seemed
P25 1090  3    to shiver at the thought of it.
P25 1090 10       "And your golden god", said Samuel Burns, "probably
P25 1100  6    went right home and poured himself into a boiling bath.
P25 1110  6    It would kill one of us".
P25 1120  1       "But the point is", Charlotte said, "there he was,
P25 1120  9    freezing, naked in a little stream of water at Ryusenji,
P25 1130  9    all in worship of Fudo, the god of fire".
P25 1140  5       Richard's dark eyes came up and seemed for the tiniest
P25 1150  3    moment to reflect sharp light. It was true; Fudo, the
P25 1170  1    god of wisdom, was also thought of as the Japanese
P25 1170 11    version of Acala. The conversation went on but Richard
P25 1180  7    stopped listening. He found himself trying to remember
P25 1190  5    something, but he couldn't decide even the nature of
P25 1200  3    what it was he worked to recall. He had almost given
P25 1200 14    up when he realized that the dropping of his biwa into
P25 1210 11    the icy jowls of the black Pacific was the memory for
P25 1220  8    which he had been searching. Perhaps he sensed some
P25 1230  4    connection between the incident on the freighter and
P25 1240  2    the ascetic at Ryusenji, he was unable to put it together.
P25 1250  1       That night, after leaving Charlotte's apartment,
P25 1250  6    Richard walked about for a time before returning to
P25 1260  8    his room. When he at last did go to his room, he couldn't
P25 1270  6    sleep and instead paced up and down before his little
P25 1280  3    image of Acala, thinking first of Charlotte's tale
P25 1280 11    of the man at Ryusenji, then of his biwa and the invisible
P25 1290 12    Pacific waters. And the next morning, not sure of why
P25 1300  9    he went, he took the train to Fudomae and walked to
P25 1310  6    Ryusenji.
P25 1310  7       He was surprised by the sharp sensation he experienced
P25 1320  4    as he approached the pool which Charlotte had mentioned.
P25 1330  3    He went through a gate to stand at the edge of the
P25 1340  1    water and gazed at the two thin falls which dropped
P25 1340 11    from large spigots high at the back of the pool. On
P25 1350  9    the hillside above was caged what might have been an
P25 1360  4    incarnation of Fudo, or perhaps a demon. The strange
P25 1370  1    creature, housed in wire, made him shudder. The sensation
P25 1370 10    he so overwhelmingly realized was one which told him
P25 1380  7    he had been there before but he knew he had not, and
P25 1390  8    could not recall any place he had visited to be likened
P25 1400  4    to the limpid green water or the little fountain-falls
P25 1410  1    or the green demon imprisoned beyond his reach.
P25 1410  9       He left the pool and climbed the steep stone stairs
P25 1420  7    to the temple, and the sense of familiarity with the
P25 1430  4    place would not leave him. Into a little well before
P25 1440  1    the temple he dropped a hundred-yen coin and then he
P25 1440 12    had an urge to sound the bell before the temple, to
P25 1450  9    take hold of the rope and crash it against the circle
P25 1460  5    of bronze; but the spirit he wished to call out would
P25 1470  3    not, he knew, come in the person of the temple priest.
P25 1470 14    Instead, he walked around the temple and mounted still
P25 1480  9    another flight of stairs and stood before the seated
P25 1490  7    Fudo at their head. The black Fudo seemed to stare
P25 1500  4    rigidly back at him and Richard's eyes were caught
P25 1510  1    by the Fudo's in fascination, and then Richard was
P25 1510 10    shocked as, all at once, flames shot out from the sharp
P25 1520 10    features of Fudo's face and there was a terrible metallic
P25 1530  7    scraping sound, as if the large statue were about to
P25 1540  4    burst from some pressure within it. Then the flames
P25 1550  1    were gone, the stillness fell upon the severe black
P25 1550 10    face and Richard began to tremble violently. Suddenly
P25 1560  6    he emptied his pockets of all his coins and dropped
P25 1570  4    them into the box before the seated Fudo and hurried
P25 1580  1    back down both stairways and away from the temple,
P25 1580 10    never looking back. He walked all the miles back to
P25 1590  9    his room.
P25 1590 11       He seemed to have picked up a virus that day, because
P25 1600  9    the next morning he had a small cough and felt a bit
P25 1610  6    hot. He stayed home, reading and refusing to think
P25 1620  2    about his frightening experience at Ryusenji. But the
P25 1620 10    process of refusing to think about it was an active
P25 1630 10    reminder in itself and he couldn't rid himself of a
P25 1640  6    consciousness of it throughout the day. The cold lingered,
P25 1650  3    making sleep difficult that night, and he remained
P25 1660  1    in bed still the next morning, now unable to keep from
P25 1660 12    thinking about the inexplicable sight of burning metal,
P25 1670  7    the wretched sound, the unbearable feeling of having
P25 1680  4    been to a remote Tokyo temple at some earlier time
P25 1690  2    in his life. All of the elements of the experience
P25 1690 12    were impossible and yet the reality of them was heavy
P25 1700  9    upon him and he resolved never again to visit the temple
P25 1710  6    at Fudomae.
P26 0010  1    I was thinking of the heat and of water that morning
P26 0010 12    when I was plowing the stubble field far across the
P26 0020  7    hill from the farm buildings. It had grown hot early
P26 0030  5    that day, and I hoped that the boy, my brother's son,
P26 0040  2    would soon come across the broad black area of plowed
P26 0040 12    ground, carrying the jar of cool water. The boy usually
P26 0050 10    was sent out at about that time with the water, and
P26 0060  7    he always dragged an old snow-fence lath or a stick
P26 0070  4    along, to play with. He pretended that the lath was
P26 0070 14    a tractor and he would drag it through the dirt and
P26 0080 10    make buzzing, tractor sounds with his lips.
P26 0090  5       I almost ran over the snake before I could stop
P26 0100  2    the tractor in time. I had turned at the corner of
P26 0100 13    the field and I had to look back to raise the plow
P26 0110 11    and then to drop it again into the earth, and I was
P26 0120  6    thinking of the boy and the water anyway, and when
P26 0130  2    I looked again down the furrow, the snake was there.
P26 0130 12    It lay half in the furrow and half out, and the front
P26 0140 10    wheels had rolled nearly up to it when I put in the
P26 0150  9    clutch. The tractor was heavily loaded with the weight
P26 0160  3    of the plow turning the earth, and the tractor stopped
P26 0170  1    instantly.
P26 0170  2       The snake slid slowly and with great care from the
P26 0180  1    new ridge the plow had made, into the furrow and did
P26 0180 12    not go any further. I had never liked snakes much,
P26 0190  7    I still had that kind of quick panic that I'd had as
P26 0200  5    a child whenever I saw one, but this snake was clean
P26 0210  2    and bright and very beautiful. He was multi-colored
P26 0210 11    and graceful and he lay in the furrow and moved his
P26 0220 10    arched and tapered head only so slightly. Go out of
P26 0230  6    the furrow, snake, I said, but it did not move at all.
P26 0240  3    I pulled the throttle of the tractor in and out, hoping
P26 0240 14    to frighten him with the noise, but the snake only
P26 0250 10    flicked its black, forked tongue and faced the huge
P26 0260  6    tractor wheel, without fright or concern.
P26 0270  1       I let the engine idle then, and I got down and went
P26 0270 13    around the wheel and stood beside it. My movement did
P26 0280 10    frighten the snake and it raised its head and trailed
P26 0290  7    delicately a couple of feet and stopped again, and
P26 0300  3    its tongue was working very rapidly. I followed it,
P26 0300 12    looking at the brilliant colors on its tubular back,
P26 0310  9    the colors clear and sharp and perfect, in orange and
P26 0320  7    green and brown diamonds the size of a baby's fist
P26 0330  4    down its back, and the diamonds were set one within
P26 0330 14    the other and interlaced with glistening jet-black.
P26 0340  8    The colors were astonishing, clear and bright, and
P26 0350  5    it was as if the body held a fire of its own, and the
P26 0360  5    colors came through that transparent flesh and skin,
P26 0370  1    vivid and alive and warm. The eyes were clear and black
P26 0370 12    and the slender body was arched slightly. His flat
P26 0380  7    and gracefully tapered head lifted as I looked at him
P26 0390  6    and the black tongue slipped in and out of that solemn
P26 0400  2    mouth.
P26 0400  3       You beauty, I said, I couldn't kill you. You are
P26 0410  2    much too beautiful. I had killed snakes before, when
P26 0410 11    I was younger, but there had been no animal like this
P26 0420  9    one, and I knew it was unthinkable that an animal such
P26 0430  6    as that should die. I picked him up, and the length
P26 0440  4    of him arched very carefully and gracefully and only
P26 0440 13    a little wildly, and I could feel the coolness of that
P26 0450 11    radiant, fire-colored body, like splendid ice, and
P26 0460  6    I knew that he had eaten only recently because there
P26 0470  3    were two whole and solid little lumps in the forepart
P26 0480  1    of him, like fieldmice swallowed whole might make.
P26 0480  9       The body caressed through my hands like cool satin,
P26 0490  8    and my hands, usually tanned and dark, were pale beside
P26 0500  6    it, and I asked it where the fire colors could come
P26 0510  3    from the coolness of that body. I lowered him so he
P26 0510 14    would not fall and his body slid out onto the cool,
P26 0520 11    newly-plowed earth, from between my pale hands. The
P26 0530  6    snake worked away very slowly and delicately and with
P26 0540  3    a gorgeous kind of dignity and beauty, and he carried
P26 0550  1    his head a little above the rolled clods. The sharp,
P26 0550 11    burning colors of his body stood brilliant and plain
P26 0560  7    against the black soil, like a target.
P26 0570  1       I felt good and satisfied, looking at the snake.
P26 0570 10    It shone in its bright diamond color against the sun-burned
P26 0580 10    stubble and the crumbled black clods of soil and against
P26 0590  8    the paleness of myself. The color and beauty of it
P26 0600  6    were strange and wonderful and somehow alien, too,
P26 0610  1    in that dry and dusty and uncolored field.
P26 0610  9       I got on the tractor again and I had to watch the
P26 0620  8    plow closely because the field was drawn across the
P26 0630  4    long hillside and even in that good soil there was
P26 0630 14    a danger of rocks. I had my back to the corner of the
P26 0640 13    triangular field that pointed towards the house. The
P26 0650  7    earth was a little heavy and I had to stop once and
P26 0660  6    clean the plowshares because they were not scouring
P26 0670  1    properly, and I did not look back towards the place
P26 0670 11    until I had turned the corner and was plowing across
P26 0680  7    the upper line of the large field, a long way from
P26 0690  5    where I had stopped because of the snake.
P26 0700  1       I saw it all at a glance. The boy was there at the
P26 0700 13    lower corner of the field, and he was in the plowed
P26 0710  9    earth, stamping with ferocity and a kind of frenzied
P26 0720  5    impatience. Even at that distance, with no sound but
P26 0730  1    the sound of the tractor, I could tell the fierce mark
P26 0730 12    of brutality on the boy. I could see the hunched-up
P26 0740 10    shoulders, the savage determination, the dance of his
P26 0750  5    feet as he ground the snake with his heels, and the
P26 0760  3    pirouette of his arms as he whipped at it with the
P26 0760 14    stick.
P26 0770  1       Stop it, I shouted, but the lumbering and mighty
P26 0770 10    tractor roared on, above anything I could say. I stopped
P26 0780  8    the tractor and I shouted down to the boy, and I knew
P26 0790  8    he could hear me, for the morning was clear and still,
P26 0800  3    but he did not even hesitate in that brutal, murdering
P26 0810  1    dance. It was no use. I felt myself tremble, thinking
P26 0810 11    of the diamond light of that beauty I had held a few
P26 0820 10    moments before, and I wanted to run down there and
P26 0830  6    halt, if I could, that frenetic pirouette, catch the
P26 0840  2    boy in the moment of his savagery, and save a glimmer,
P26 0840 13    a remnant, of that which I remembered, but I knew it
P26 0850 10    was already too late. I drove the tractor on, not looking
P26 0860  7    down there; I was afraid to look for fear the evil
P26 0870  5    might still be going on. My head began to ache, and
P26 0880  1    the fumes of the tractor began to bother my eyes, and
P26 0880 12    I hated the job suddenly, and I thought, there are
P26 0890  7    only moments when one sees beautiful things, and these
P26 0900  4    are soon crushed, or they vanish. I felt the anger
P26 0910  2    mount within me.
P26 0910  5       The boy waited at the corner, with the jar of water
P26 0920  4    held up to me in his hands, and the water had grown
P26 0920 16    bubbly in the heat of the morning. I knew the boy well.
P26 0930 12    He was eleven and we had done many things together.
P26 0940  7    He was a beautiful boy, really, with finely-spun blonde
P26 0950  4    hair and a smooth and still effeminate face, and his
P26 0960  2    eyelashes were long and dark and brushlike, and his
P26 0960 11    eyes were blue. He waited there and he smiled as the
P26 0970  9    tractor came up, as he would smile on any other day.
P26 0980  6    He was my nephew, my brother's son, handsome and warm
P26 0990  3    and newly-scrubbed, with happiness upon his face and
P26 0990 12    his face resembled my brother's and mine as well.
P26 1000  8       I saw then, too, the stake driven straight and hard
P26 1010  7    into the plowed soil, through something there where
P26 1020  3    I had been not long before.
P26 1020  9       I stopped the tractor and climbed down and the boy
P26 1030  7    came eagerly up to me. "Can I ride around with you"?
P26 1040  5    he asked, as he often did, and I had as often let him
P26 1050  3    be on the tractor beside me. I looked closely at his
P26 1050 14    eyes, and he was already innocent; the killing was
P26 1060  9    already forgotten in that clear mind of his.
P26 1070  6       "No, you cannot", I said, pushing aside the water
P26 1080  4    jar he offered to me. I pointed to the splintered,
P26 1080 14    upright stake. "Did you do that"? I asked.
P26 1090  8       "Yes", he said, eagerly, beginning a kind of dance
P26 1100  8    of excitement. "I killed a snake; it was a big one".
P26 1110  8    He tried to take my hand to show me.
P26 1120  2       "Why did you kill it"?
P26 1120  7       "Snakes are ugly and bad".
P26 1130  2       "This snake was very beautiful. Didn't you see how
P26 1140  2    beautiful it was"?
P26 1140  5       "Snakes are ugly", he said again.
P26 1150  1       "You saw the colors of it, didn't you? Have you
P26 1150 11    ever seen anything like it around here"?
P26 1160  7       "Snakes are ugly and bad, and it might have bitten
P26 1170  7    somebody, and they would have died".
P26 1180  1       "You know there are no poisonous snakes in this
P26 1180 10    area. This snake could not harm anything".
P26 1190  6       "They eat chickens sometimes", the boy said. "They
P26 1200  5    are ugly and they eat chickens and I hate snakes".
P26 1210  3       "You are talking foolishly", I said. "You killed
P26 1220  2    it because you wanted to kill it, for no other reason".
P26 1220 13       "They're ugly and I hate them", the boy insisted.
P26 1230 10    "Nobody likes snakes".
P26 1240  3       "It was beautiful", I said, half to myself.
P26 1250  2       The boy skipped along beside me, and he was contented
P26 1260  1    with what he had done.
P26 1260  6       The fire of the colors was gone; there was a contorted
P26 1270  4    ugliness now; the colors of its back were dull and
P26 1280  1    gray-looking, torn and smashed in, and dirty from the
P26 1280 11    boy's shoes. The beautifully-tapered head, so delicate
P26 1290  7    and so cool, had been flattened as if in a vise, and
P26 1300  7    the forked tongue splayed out of the twisted, torn
P26 1310  2    mouth. The snake was hideous, and I remembered, even
P26 1310 11    then, the cool, bright fire of it only a little while
P26 1320 10    before, and I thought perhaps the boy had always seen
P26 1330  7    it dead and hideous like that, and had not even stopped
P26 1340  4    to see the beauty of it in its life.
P26 1340 13       I wrenched the stake out, that the boy had driven
P26 1350  9    through it in the thickest part of its body, between
P26 1360  6    the colored diamond crystals. I touched it and the
P26 1370  3    coolness, the ice-feeling, was gone, and even then
P26 1370 12    it moved a little, perhaps a tiny spasm of the dead
P26 1380  9    muscles, and I hoped that it was truly dead, so that
P26 1390  6    I would not have to kill it. And then it moved a little
P26 1400  3    more, and I knew the snake was dying, and I would have
P26 1410  1    to kill it there. The boy stood off a few feet and
P26 1410 13    he had the stake again and he was racing innocently
P26 1420  6    in circles, making the buzzing tractor sound with his
P26 1430  4    lips.
P26 1430  5       I'm sorry, I thought to the snake, for you were
P26 1440  4    beautiful. I took the broken length of it around the
P26 1440 14    tractor and I took one of the wrenches from the tool-kit
P26 1450 12    and I struck its head, not looking at it, to kill it
P26 1460  9    at last, for it could never live.
P26 1470  1       The boy came around behind me, dragging the stake.
P26 1470 10    "It's a big snake, isn't it"? he said. "I'm going to
P26 1480 11    tell everybody how big a snake I killed".
P26 1490  7       "Don't you see what you have done"? I said. "Don't
P26 1500  6    you see the difference now"?
P26 1510  1       "It's an ugly, terrible snake", he said. He came
P26 1510 10    up and was going to push at it with his heavy shoes.
P26 1520 11    I could see the happiness in the boy's eyes, the gleeful
P26 1530  7    brutality.
P26 1530  8       "Don't", I said. I could have slapped the boy. He
P26 1540 10    looked up at me, puzzled, and he swayed his head from
P26 1550  7    side to side. I thought, you little brute, you nasty,
P26 1560  3    selfish, little beast, with brutality already developed
P26 1570  1    within that brain and in those eyes. I wanted to slap
P26 1570 12    his face, to wipe forever the insolence and brutal
P26 1580  7    glee from his mouth, and I decided then, very suddenly,
P26 1590  4    what I would do.
P27 0010  1       Cady didn't come unglued easily, but this had not
P27 0010 10    been a day of glad tidings. Tax worries, production
P27 0020  7    worries, personnel worries, and the letter from Hanford
P27 0030  6    College, his own alma mater, a real snapper.
P27 0040  1       Hanford realized he had enrolled his son four years
P27 0040 10    ago. Yes, the boy's credentials were in order- scholastic
P27 0050  9    transcript, character references, picture, health record,
P27 0060  6    successful college boards. But due to the many applicants
P27 0070  7    on file, would he co-operate and write a personal letter
P27 0080  4    giving them his son's motivation, interests and his
P27 0090  2    qualifications for leadership?
P27 0090  5       Cady Partlow lit his pipe with no comfort. This
P27 0100  6    was it. This was the letter which would or would not
P27 0110  4    enroll his son, David, in Hanford. His son who had
P27 0110 14    never held an office in any organization in the eighteen
P27 0120 10    years of his life. His son who did not know whether
P27 0130  8    he wanted to be doctor, lawyer, merchant or chief.
P27 0140  3       He wondered if he had played it wrong. Maybe he
P27 0150  2    should have kept in touch. Gone back for reunions.
P27 0150 11    But he had been busy building a business, being a big
P27 0160  8    man in his own town just as he had been a big man at
P27 0170  8    Hanford, Class of 1935. Besides, Cady Partlow knew
P27 0180  2    he wasn't the old-grad-type.
P27 0180  8       It wouldn't help anyway. Look at Pete Alcorn, who
P27 0190  6    hadn't missed a Hanford ball game in fifteen years.
P27 0200  4    Pete's son was rejected. Hanford College, Little Ivy
P27 0220  2    League, had no room for football players with low grades.
P27 0230  1       Cady looked at his own son's scholastic record with
P27 0230 10    pride. Good solid ~B average with a sprinkling of ~A's
P27 0240  9    in math and science. Imagine his son being that good
P27 0250  7    in science! Mr& Partlow could still feel a cold sweat
P27 0260  6    on his slightly gray temples as he remembered what
P27 0270  2    a near thing chemistry had been for him at Hanford.
P27 0270 12    But then, he hadn't studied very hard. Getting elected
P27 0280  8    president of the student body took a lot of time and
P27 0290  8    politicking.
P27 0290  9    ##
P27 0290 10    He put down his pipe and started to type. "In response
P27 0310  3    to your letter, I can in good conscience recommend
P27 0320  3    my son, David, in the field of leadership".
P27 0330  1       He stopped and looked at the picture of his son,
P27 0330 11    the picture on his desk which had changed with the
P27 0340  8    years from a laughing baby to a candidate for Hanford
P27 0350  3    College. He didn't have to be told his son looked like
P27 0360  2    him. David had the same gray eyes, high cheekbones,
P27 0360 11    dark hair and a certain rugged ugliness. Height, 6'.
P27 0370  8    Weight, 160. Health, excellent.
P27 0380  2       He turned back to the typewriter with a little more
P27 0390  1    confidence. "His interests range from astronomy and
P27 0390  8    geology to electronics, tennis and swimming. His chief
P27 0400  6    motivation for enrolling at Hanford is the desire to"-
P27 0410  6       Mr& Partlow banged his fist on the keyboard, ruining
P27 0420  5    the letter. He paced to the window and looked at the
P27 0430  3    city he had helped to build.
P27 0430  9       How do you tell a college president that your son
P27 0440  5    doesn't know what he wants to do? That you have refused
P27 0450  4    to drive him into the family business or push him into
P27 0460  2    a profession so you can say at the club, "Of course
P27 0460 13    David has known since he was twelve he wanted to be
P27 0470 10    an engineer"- or a lawyer, or an editor?
P27 0480  4       How do you tell a college like Hanford that your
P27 0490  2    son has a vast potential, that he will find himself?
P27 0490 12    Just give him time, give him a chance.
P27 0500  7       Cady snapped the Venetian blind shut and slammed
P27 0510  4    himself down before the typewriter, rolled in a fresh
P27 0520  1    sheet, and gave his letter the same savage attention
P27 0520 10    he bestowed on a salesman who needed to have the bucket
P27 0530 10    taken off his thick head.
P27 0540  1       What a production to make of a letter commending
P27 0540 10    your own son! His eyebrow went up in amusement at his
P27 0550  9    soul-searching panic. He told Hanford his son wanted
P27 0560  6    to go into the field of electronics. He told Hanford
P27 0570  3    his son had participated in numerous high-school activities.
P27 0580  1    He belonged to a social club, a civic group, little
P27 0580 11    theater, swimming team, and had been president of the
P27 0590  8    student forum as well as treasurer of the science club.
P27 0600  5       He finished with a flurry of good wishes to Hanford
P27 0610  4    College and signed the letter. There, that did it.
P27 0620  1    Then he met the grave eyes of his wife, Anne, from
P27 0620 12    the photograph next to David's. He shoved the unsealed
P27 0630  8    letter into his coat pocket.
P27 0640  1       Better show it to Anne and see if he had omitted
P27 0640 12    anything. After all, his wife had written most of his
P27 0650 10    letters for him in those first lean days of Partlow
P27 0660  6    Products. Anne had a way with words. Half of it was
P27 0670  4    natural, half was Smith College.
P27 0670  9       Yet the whole of Anne was something she had never
P27 0680  8    learned in any college. A woman had it or she didn't.
P27 0690  6    Anne had it. She said what she meant and let it be.
P27 0700  3    She never got on his back. He could take the advice
P27 0700 14    or leave it.
P27 0710  2       He whistled as he locked the office and grinned
P27 0710 11    as he got on the elevator.
P27 0720  5       "You look like you just heard a real gasser, Mr&
P27 0730  2    Partlow".
P27 0730  3       Cady looked at Tom, who had taken him up and down
P27 0740  4    for fifteen years. "I was just thinking how things
P27 0740 13    have changed. When I went to college they begged you
P27 0750 10    to come. Be our guest! It's our pleasure! Now you have
P27 0760  8    to be well rounded, firm in motivation and pre-packed
P27 0770  6    with knowledge"!
P27 0770  8       Tom slid open the door to the lobby. "That's a fact,
P27 0780  9    Mr& Partlow. My John applied to six colleges before
P27 0790  6    he got in".
P27 0790  9       "Going to State"?
P27 0800  2       "No. He's president of the rocket club here, you
P27 0810  2    know. Always messing around with science stuff. Real
P27 0810 10    bright along those lines, you might say. He got a science
P27 0820 10    scholarship to Yale".
P27 0821  1       "Oh", said Mr& Partlow, "that's fine, Tom. Just
P27 0840  1    fine".
P27 0840  2       As he drove home through the thinning traffic, Cady
P27 0850  1    felt the unease growing. He hadn't told anyone, but
P27 0850 10    he, too, had applied to five colleges for David. They
P27 0860  7    had all turned down his son. Weakness in leadership.
P27 0870  4    So sorry. Limited interests. So sorry. No clear motivation.
P27 0880  3    So sorry.
P27 0880  5       He suddenly realized when he walked into his own
P27 0890  4    pretty darned expensive house that he needed the Martini
P27 0900  1    Anne had waiting for him. But tonight his drink tasted
P27 0900 11    like branch water and even his favorite meal of steak
P27 0910  9    and tossed salad gave no surcease from the growing
P27 0920  5    weight of the letter in his pocket.
P27 0930  1       Nor did looking at Anne ease the tension as it usually
P27 0930 11    did. He liked looking at Anne. Most people did. He
P27 0940  8    liked her blond hair and the sprinkle of freckles across
P27 0950  5    her nose. From those navy-blue eyes she saw things
P27 0960  3    as clearly and honestly as David did. She always could
P27 0960 13    sense the shag end of a woolly day.
P27 0970  1       "Board meeting tonight, Cady"?
P27 0980  1       "No, I begged off. Work to do".
P27 0980  8       "Can I have the car, dad"?
P27 0990  6       "Why not let him take it, Cady? I know it is midweek,
P27 1000  6    but it's only eight days before commencement. Let's
P27 1010  2    forget the rules".
P27 1010  5       Cady, deep in thought, neither heard nor answered.
P27 1020  4    ##
P27 1020  5    David grinned. Carefully he put down his steak knife
P27 1030  3    and said loudly, "Mr& Chairman"!
P27 1030  8       Cady Partlow's head came up like that of the proverbial
P27 1040 10    fire horse. "I'm sorry, Dave. The car? Of course you
P27 1050  8    can have it".
P27 1060  1       Dave ate two pieces of pie as he did everything
P27 1060 10    else, slowly, methodically and with interest. "Hear
P27 1070  5    anything from Hanford yet, dad"?
P27 1080  1       Cady begged the question. "Don't worry about it,
P27 1080  9    Dave. Your acceptance will come through".
P27 1090  6       Dave shrugged on his sports coat and picked up the
P27 1100  7    car keys. "Don't be too sure, dad. Charles Burke got
P27 1110  4    turned down by Dartmouth and he is a straight-~A student".
P27 1120  2       Anne said it wasn't surprising because Charles was
P27 1130  2    antisocial, a lone wolf, and completely one-sided.
P27 1130 10    "I can hardly say the same about you, Dave"!
P27 1140  7       Dave kissed her lightly. "Girls, my dear parent,
P27 1150  5    are here to stay! Get my old man to bed early. He looks
P27 1160  5    a little bit frayed".
P27 1160  9       Anne waited until the door had slammed and picked
P27 1170  7    up the coffeepot. "Let's go into the library. You do
P27 1180  5    seem somewhat tattered".
P27 1180  8       Cady trailed her with the coffee cups and settled
P27 1190  8    into his favorite chair in the comfortable book-lined
P27 1200  3    room. "I didn't know I looked so dilapidated"!
P27 1210  1       "Wrong word, darling. Your fur has been rubbed the
P27 1220  1    wrong way and you show it. Need any help"?
P27 1220 10       "In a way, yes. Hanford College hasn't decided on
P27 1230  6    Dave's application yet. They want a letter from me
P27 1240  6    on his motives, interests and leadership. Here's what
P27 1250  2    I wrote".
P27 1250  4       Cady handed her the letter, drank his coffee and
P27 1260  3    waited with what he suddenly realized was belligerence.
P27 1270  1    Already he could feel Anne's questioning eyes.
P27 1270  8       "I know you wrote this in a hurry, but, Cady, Dave
P27 1290  4    was only acting president of the student forum for
P27 1300  6    a few days. That was when half the school was down
P27 1310  3    with flu".
P27 1310  5       "But he was president".
P27 1320  1       "And he wasn't really elected treasurer of the science
P27 1320 10    club. He just took over the week Bill Daley was in
P27 1330 11    the state basketball play-off".
P27 1340  1       Cady stuck his jaw out. "The fact remains he was
P27 1350  1    treasurer".
P27 1350  2       "And the swimming team. No, Cady, he made second
P27 1360  3    team. Just missed the first".
P27 1370  2       "A team is a team", insisted Cady. "Anything else"?
P27 1380  2       "Yes", she said quietly. "I don't think you've been
P27 1390  3    quite honest, Cady. It isn't like you. David's interests.
P27 1400  1    Astronomy. He was mad about stars at the age of nine.
P27 1400 12    Geology, You and Dave used his rock collection for
P27 1410  9    the bottom of the fishpond six years ago! Those aren't
P27 1420  6    his interests now".
P27 1430  1       "What do you suggest"?
P27 1430  4       "Just say he likes swimming, tennis, chess and music".
P27 1440  4       "Music! He hasn't been to a symphony concert all
P27 1450  3    season".
P27 1450  4       Anne smiled. "But he plays bass with Chief Crazy
P27 1460  4    Horse and his Five Colts"!
P27 1460  9       "You mean that rock-and-roll combo? Even in that
P27 1470 10    he never solos like Jack on guitar or Rich on sax.
P27 1480  7    He's- he's just there, that's all".
P27 1490  2       "Yes, he's just there. He keeps the beat going.
P27 1490 11    He likes to play bass because he doesn't have to solo.
P27 1500 11    He doesn't like to rise and shine. Don't worry, Cady,
P27 1510  9    he'll be back in the Beethoven fold by next year".
P27 1520  6       Cady appeared slightly mollified. "All right. But
P27 1530  4    I refuse to be brutally honest and mention Chief Crazy
P27 1540  3    Horse and his Five Colts".
P27 1540  8       Anne laughed and Cady felt the tension loosen its
P27 1550  7    grip on the back of his neck. "Maybe I am padding it
P27 1560  5    a bit, Anne", he said. "But you know how hard it is
P27 1570  3    to get a boy into a good college. He has to have leadership
P27 1580  1    as well as grades".
P27 1580  5       Anne folded the worrisome document. "Did you know
P27 1590  3    he is advertising his ham-radio equipment for sale
P27 1590 12    this weekend? He hasn't used it now for several years.
P27 1600 10    Can you really say his motivation for college is electronics"?
P27 1610  8       Cady felt the jolt as though he had stepped off
P27 1620  9    the curb on his heel. "And what would you say he wants
P27 1630  6    to do? Just what"?
P27 1630 10       "It's Dave who is applying to Hanford College. Why
P27 1640  9    don't you ask him"?
P27 1650  1       For once Cady Partlow wished Anne would yell at
P27 1650 10    him so he could yell back. "I have talked to him, but
P27 1660 11    you know I've never tried to push him into any profession.
P27 1670  8    I won't be guilty of trying to run his life".
P27 1680  5       Anne picked up the towel she was hemming for the
P27 1690  3    hospital guild. "Just because your father tried to
P27 1690 11    make a banker out of you, you've leaned over backward
P27 1700 10    to keep your hands off. But subconsciously you've wanted
P27 1710  6    him to conform to your mold. You want him to be a leader
P27 1720  8    of men, like you".
P27 1720 12       Cady put the well-worn chip back on his shoulder.
P27 1730  8    "Dave has qualities of leadership. He just hasn't developed
P27 1740  5    them yet. Give him time".
P27 1750  1       He never will, Cady. Not the kind of leadership
P27 1750 10    you mean, working with lots of people. All your wishful
P27 1760  8    thinking won't change that. Remember what you used
P27 1780  5    to say in the Army? You can't run a war with ninety-nine
P27 1790  4    generals and one private"!
P27 1790  8       Cady walked the block to the mailbox, almost ashamed
P27 1800  8    of himself for arguing with Anne.
P28 0010  1       Martin felt it was incredible that the situation
P28 0010  9    had come to exist at all. And once begun, had grown
P28 0020  8    to such monstrous proportions. The pair of white cotton
P28 0030  6    shorts ruled his life.
P28 0030 10       Lying awake at night, he could see them, laid out
P28 0040  9    on the floor of his mind. When he rose in the morning,
P28 0050  6    the image was still there.
P28 0050 11       He had always been a messy and negligent man. In
P28 0060  8    his bachelor days, his bedroom had been strewn with
P28 0070  5    clothes which his mother, or later the hotel maid,
P28 0080  1    generally saw fit to put in order. No doubt Dolores
P28 0080 11    resented following in their footsteps.
P28 0090  4       But it was fun those first days, kidding about the
P28 0100  3    trail of garments he left littered across the rug.
P28 0100 12    There was an assertive maleness in his grinning refusal
P28 0110  9    to pick them up. Half slyly he enjoyed seeing her stoop
P28 0120  7    to lift the things.
P28 0120 11       He remembered the first time he saw her, standing
P28 0130  9    across the room at a party. The smooth curve of her
P28 0140  6    neck, very white against hair which curled against
P28 0150  2    it like petals. Her hair was the color of those blooms
P28 0150 13    which in seed catalogues are referred to as "black",
P28 0160  9    but since no flower is actually without color contain
P28 0170  6    always a hint of grape or purple or blue- he wanted
P28 0180  5    to draw the broad patina of hair through his fingers,
P28 0190  1    searching it slowly for a trace of veining which might
P28 0190 11    reveal its true shade beneath the darkness.
P28 0200  6       So he sought her out, and spoke to her, and thought
P28 0210  5    of his hand in her hair. Or against her back, pressed
P28 0220  2    on the column of vertebrae, which held her so magnificently
P28 0230  1    straight and unyielding, until the segments of bone
P28 0230  9    made tiny sharp cracking noises, like the snapped stem
P28 0240  6    of a tulip.
P28 0240  9       But, to put it bluntly, nothing snapped. Yet that
P28 0250  6    had not seriously troubled him, not then. They married.
P28 0260  5    More he could take at leisure. All Martin thought he
P28 0270  3    needed was time: to what better use could time be put?
P28 0280  1       He saw later that they had made their marriage too
P28 0280 11    quickly. There was too little occasion beforehand for
P28 0290  7    resistance, the brave strong delights of emotional
P28 0300  4    clash and meeting. They had left themselves too much
P28 0310  3    to discover.
P28 0310  5       But, at the start, his new life felt invigorating.
P28 0320  1    Good.
P28 0320  2       It was on the tenth day after the wedding (how could
P28 0330  2    it have been so soon?) that he dropped the shorts on
P28 0330 13    the floor.
P28 0340  1       "Now, I'm not going to pick up those shorts"!
P28 0350  1       Martin gave her a teasing pat. "I think you'll get
P28 0350 11    tired of them there".
P28 0360  3       In the morning the shorts were where he had left
P28 0370  1    them. He smiled to himself, and decided not to mention
P28 0370 11    them till Dolores did. It was almost too easy. For
P28 0380  9    he had just remembered: tonight they were having their
P28 0390  6    first guests. The shorts would not be on the floor
P28 0400  4    when he came home that evening.
P28 0400 10       He was wrong. The rest of the bedroom had been groomed
P28 0410  8    to a superhuman neatness, but in the middle of the
P28 0420  5    carpet lay the disheveled shorts. They gave the room
P28 0430  1    a strange note of incongruity, like a mole on a beautiful
P28 0430 12    face.
P28 0440  1       He saw that Dolores intended to wait until the last
P28 0440 11    minute, thinking he would get nervous. Quietly he determined
P28 0450  8    to foil her. I can be as stubborn as she can, he thought;
P28 0460  9    my nerves are as strong. She'll rush to the bedroom
P28 0470  5    when the doorbell rings.
P28 0470  9       It rang. Ten minutes early.
P28 0480  3       Martin was standing a few feet from the front door.
P28 0490  2    He swung around, eyes toward the bedroom, some fifteen
P28 0490 11    feet away. Dolores stood motionless in the doorway.
P28 0500  8       He could not cross the living room, brush past her,
P28 0510  7    and bend down to retrieve the shorts.
P28 0520  1       Martin turned his back. He strode to answer the
P28 0520 10    bell.
P28 0530  1       Bill's hat was deposited in the hall closet. With
P28 0530 10    the most casual and relaxed manner in the world, Dolores
P28 0540  8    led Anthea to the bedroom. Martin strained his ears.
P28 0550  5       At first he could not be sure. Then he caught just
P28 0560  5    enough to know that the shorts were still there. A
P28 0570  2    glissade of giggles slid over their voices.
P28 0570  9       All evening Anthea favored him with odd, coy looks.
P28 0580  7    Clearly she had been instructed "not to say a word".
P28 0590  6    For some reason, this ellipsis in the conversation
P28 0600  1    spread until it swallowed up every other topic. At
P28 0600 10    last there was a void no one could fill. The Brainards
P28 0610 10    went home early.
P28 0620  1       Martin realized, later on, that he should have "had
P28 0620 10    it out" with Dolores that night. As violently as possible.
P28 0630  8    But he was so taken aback, he could not believe any
P28 0640  7    rage of his would make her give in. On the contrary,
P28 0650  4    it would only weaken his position if he fumed, while
P28 0660  1    she stayed calm and adamant. And if he surrendered
P28 0660 10    after raving at her. **h He shivered.
P28 0670  6       Suppose he ran up the white flag altogether? At
P28 0680  2    once. He considered the sober possibility.
P28 0680  8       In his head was the echo of those titters with Anthea.
P28 0690 11       There was something about private feminine whisperings
P28 0700  6    which always made him feel scabrous and unclean. He
P28 0710  5    remembered his mother gossiping with her neighborhood
P28 0715  2    women friends, lowering her voice to a penetrating
P28 0720  7    hoarseness which might be trusted to carry to the head
P28 0730 10    of the stairs, where he crouched listening. He could
P28 0740  5    even recall the last time he sat there. She was talking
P28 0750  4    about him that time, because he had done some bad thing,
P28 0760  1    something she disliked, but "Afterwards Martin said
P28 0760  8    he was sorry. He apologized so sweetly, I couldn't
P28 0770  7    keep being annoyed with him". It wasn't even true that
P28 0780  7    he'd said he was sorry that time; he had in fact said
P28 0790  6    simply that he wished the thing hadn't happened, which
P28 0800  2    was as honest as he could put it. But his mother told
P28 0800 14    the story over and over, till her "Martin said he was
P28 0810 11    sorry" was as much a part of her as the shape of her
P28 0820 11    thin, pallid ears.
P28 0820 14       The battle had to be fought. Let the best sex win.
P28 0830 11       But his resolution hardly seemed to help. If the
P28 0840  7    situation had been bad, it now got worse. About this
P28 0850  4    time people began "dropping in", considering that the
P28 0860  3    newly married had been left alone long enough. Angrily
P28 0860 12    Martin wished they had delayed the wedding and gone
P28 0870  9    on a trip- preferably one that lasted months- instead
P28 0880  6    of deciding not to postpone the date until he could
P28 0890  4    get away. Here they were at the mercy of anyone who
P28 0900  1    chose to come by. These stray people nearly always
P28 0900 10    insisted on Dolores showing them around the apartment.
P28 0910  6    Of course, the tours of inspection included the ever-present
P28 0920  5    shorts.
P28 0920  6       It was curious how the different visitors took this.
P28 0930  5    Some tried to ignore the blot on the bedroom's countenance.
P28 0940  2    Others asked. Quite a few laughed. To them all Dolores
P28 0950  3    told a lighthearted and witty tale.
P28 0950  9       "It's a little contest Martin and I have", she would
P28 0960  8    begin gaily, carrying the anecdote through a frothy
P28 0970  6    and deceptive course. While he waited in the living
P28 0980  4    room.
P28 0980  5       Once Martin went along. They entered the bedroom,
P28 0990  2    and Dolores said nothing. Then one of the guests showed
P28 0990 12    his merriment. "You were in a hurry, weren't you"?
P28 1000  9    Martin would have liked to break the man's neck. Dolores
P28 1010  9    smiled; she let the interpretation stand. Now Martin
P28 1020  5    heard himself give a snort of mock good nature. With
P28 1030  4    her eyes Dolores dared him for the truth, ready to
P28 1040  1    begin: It's a little contest-
P28 1040  6       Never again did he enter into the ritual of showing
P28 1050  7    the apartment.
P28 1050  9       They kept up a rigid pretense of speaking relations.
P28 1060  6    But Martin seldom felt the impulse to talk about anything.
P28 1070  5    What to talk about?
P28 1070  9       Dolores kept picking up any of his clothes (except
P28 1080  8    the fatal shorts) which he left about, but he had been
P28 1090  6    robbed of pleasure in scattering his possessions. He
P28 1100  2    fell into the habit of putting his clothes in drawers
P28 1100 12    and closets, so his life might impinge as little as
P28 1110  9    possible on hers. The shorts alone remained.
P28 1120  4       In his moments of worst agony, Martin imagined what
P28 1130  3    his friends were saying. The sound of their amazement.
P28 1140  1    Bizarre: He could hear the word. The most bizarre situation.
P28 1150  1    We were up to visit them and **h
P28 1150  9       He had thought her exactly what he wanted. Six weeks
P28 1160  6    of marriage and I'm using the past tense, he told himself
P28 1170  4    furiously. Pursuing his idea, he saw that it would
P28 1180  1    be impossible to leave her now. Everyone would know
P28 1180 10    why; he would cut a supremely ridiculous figure.
P28 1190  6       He was trapped.
P28 1190  9       Day and night Martin could not drag his mind from
P28 1200 10    the dilemma he had made for himself. His mind scurried
P28 1210  6    frantically, seeking an exit. Alternately he had periods
P28 1220  4    of hostile defeatism in which he determined sullenly,
P28 1230  1    morosely, to live out his life in this fashion. Nothing
P28 1230 11    would change, nothing would ever change.
P28 1240  6       When the solution finally came to him, one night
P28 1250  6    while he was in bed, he was so shaken by its simplicity
P28 1260  1    that he could only wonder why it had not occurred to
P28 1260 12    him before.
P28 1270  1       In a frenzy of excitement, he considered his plan.
P28 1280  1       Beside his shorts, he would place something of hers.
P28 1280  9       Instantaneously he would have won an immeasurable
P28 1290  7    moral victory, for if she picked up, say, a pair of
P28 1300  6    her panties, she might just as well lift his shorts
P28 1310  2    lying alongside- the expenditure of energy was almost
P28 1310 10    the same. He felt that it would be a particular humiliation
P28 1320 10    to Dolores to pick up her own underwear which he had
P28 1330  8    laid on the floor. Furthermore, he could go on repeating
P28 1340  6    the maneuver endlessly: every time he went in the bedroom,
P28 1350  4    he could drop a slip or a brassiere, or maybe a girdle,
P28 1360  1    next to his shorts. Sooner or later, Dolores would
P28 1360 10    crack. On the other hand, if she didn't remove her
P28 1370  8    own things, it would be difficult to explain to the
P28 1380  5    parade of guests which traversed the apartment.
P28 1390  1       Martin guessed that Dolores would not be so eager
P28 1390 10    to tell the next installment of her story. The tale,
P28 1400  8    he thought, would become less gay. She had used his
P28 1410  6    rumpled shorts as the very image of his childishness,
P28 1420  1    his lack of control, his general male looseness, while
P28 1420 10    she remained cool, airy, and untouched, the charming
P28 1430  8    teacher who disciplined an unruly body. To have her
P28 1440  7    underclothes linked with his on the floor would draw
P28 1450  3    her visibly into a struggle both bitter and absurd.
P28 1460  1       Something in the back of his mind was aware that
P28 1460 11    the magnificence of the plan lay in his faith, that
P28 1470  9    the idea would work because he believed in it, since
P28 1480  4    his courage and virility were involved, because it
P28 1490  1    was truly his. The knowledge kept him from analyzing
P28 1490 10    his scheme to death, and took him through the last
P28 1500  7    hours of that night in a peace of exalted fanaticism.
P28 1510  2       The next morning, while Dolores was out of the room,
P28 1520  3    he went to her bureau drawer, took out a pair of nylon
P28 1520 15    lace pants, and tenderly dropped them next to his shorts.
P28 1530 10    He sat down on the bed.
P28 1540  3       In a surprisingly short time, Dolores appeared.
P28 1540 10    To his delight, her eyes focused at once upon the two
P28 1550 11    garments. Slowly and deliberately she reached down
P28 1560  5    and touched the lace with her fingers, then hesitated
P28 1570  3    for about a second. Ah, he thought, she's going through
P28 1580  1    the chain of reasoning which says she might really
P28 1580 10    just as well pick up my shorts too. He saw that in
P28 1590 10    a moment she had grasped all the implications of a
P28 1600  4    plot which had been weeks in occurring to him. Extending
P28 1610  1    her fingers another inch, she caught up the shorts,
P28 1610 10    and swiftly left the room. She did not look at him,
P28 1620 10    but he noticed that her face was flushed and her eyes
P28 1630  6    unsteady.
P28 1630  7       They breakfasted together, but Martin did not refer
P28 1640  6    to his triumph, and Dolores found a great deal to do
P28 1650  4    in the kitchen, bobbing up and down from the table
P28 1650 14    so that talk was impossible. Well, Martin thought,
P28 1660  7    That'll save. He left for work in high spirits.
P28 1670  6       As he relaxed that day, Martin realized how tense
P28 1680  3    he had been these past weeks. He found that he no longer
P28 1690  1    hated Dolores (he knew how much he had hated her),
P28 1690 11    and he was surprised at a resurgence of an affectionate
P28 1700  8    feeling.
P29 0010  1       "Good old ~A-~Z", Cap said. "You know, I've got
P29 0020  1    one of your cars at home. as a prominent industrialist,
P29 0020 11    you ought to be interested in his nibs' support group.
P29 0030  8    Isn't his racket down your alley"?
P29 0040  3       Once it was, William thought. But not any more.
P29 0050  3       A rush of memory swept him back, and he forgot Cap.
P29 0060  1    How did he start on such a ride to brief glory? Simply
P29 0060 13    enough, through the inadvertent agency of his brother-in-law.
P29 0070 10    General Hershey's draft and Doc Eddyman and Cap were
P29 0080  8    responsible for his first eminence, but Fearless Freddy
P29 0090  5    Bryan could take credit, if he cared to (and he did),
P29 0100  5    for the second time. Freddy needed a job, having been
P29 0110  1    detached from a rather dangerous career in real estate
P29 0110 10    and skyscraper financing by Gerry, and it was up to
P29 0120  9    Arthur Willis to provide him with one.
P29 0130  3       Mr& Willis bought Zenith Plastic Products, a skeleton
P29 0140  2    corporation of sorts which had undergone many vicissitudes
P29 0140 10    and whose principal assets were a couple of electronics
P29 0150  9    plants on Long Island engaged in working out government
P29 0160  7    contracts, and installed Freddy in an executive position.
P29 0170  5    Shortly after, Freddy had his usual proliferation of
P29 0180  3    bold ideas. Willis listened patiently, and once in
P29 0180 11    a while William was exposed to them at a family gathering;
P29 0190 11    he generally heard Freddy's suggestions without interest,
P29 0200  6    being absorbed by his own prospering concerns.
P29 0210  5       Probably Mr& Willis was influenced toward deeper
P29 0220  3    involvement by familial loyalty and a concern for his
P29 0230  2    grandchildren. Gerry began to aid Freddy with her father,
P29 0230 11    prodded, no doubt, by Joan's open contempt for Freddy
P29 0240  9    and William's irritating competency. Another factor
P29 0250  4    must have been the eventual disposal of Willis' fortune;
P29 0260  4    she unquestionably assumed that the more he was entwined
P29 0270  4    with Freddy, the more likely he was to reward Freddy
P29 0280  1    richly upon his death.
P29 0280  5       Whatever the reasons, Willis and Bryan started expanding
P29 0290  3    Zenith. They acquired another electronics factory,
P29 0300  1    a specialized ceramics company, an organization that
P29 0300  8    built- very experimentally- high-speed research calculators.
P29 0310  5    Since they were hunting for national defense contracts,
P29 0320  6    Adam Herberet, a man of surprising resources, entered
P29 0330  3    the combination as a silent partner because of his
P29 0340  3    political connections.
P29 0340  5       Feeling his power, Freddy looked for additional
P29 0350  3    worlds to conquer. Heavy industry, slanted toward inexhaustible
P29 0360  1    government coffers, attracted him. The Allstates Auto
P29 0370  1    Company, a medium-sized firm which manufactured four-wheel-drive
P29 0370 11    vehicles and other off-road equipment, had recently
P29 0380  8    constructed an over-large, modern plant in a burst
P29 0390  6    of misguided optimism. Cursed with a shaky management
P29 0400  2    and dissatisfied stockholders, it was ripe for amalgamation,
P29 0410  1    and Freddy's instinct was to keep growing by stock
P29 0410 10    mergers and small expenditure of cash, and never mind
P29 0420  8    inevitable consequences. With Herberet's blessing,
P29 0430  3    he was convinced that Allstates' Wisconsin folly would
P29 0440  3    be ideal for conversion to airplane sub-assembly, tanks,
P29 0450  1    missiles or ordnance of some kind.
P29 0450  7       At that point William came into the picture. Although
P29 0460  6    not much desiring the account, he had been appointed
P29 0470  3    advertising head of Zenith. Freed of routine by having
P29 0480  1    his own firm and a complaisant partner, his work in
P29 0480 11    New York had given him a broader overall knowledge
P29 0490  7    of business administration and corporate structure;
P29 0500  2    and if he wasn't entirely committed to what he did,
P29 0510  2    he was at least fascinated by the chance of wider opportunities.
P29 0520  1    Mr& Willis, eager to have him allied with the family,
P29 0520 11    wanted advice beyond the confines of his field, and
P29 0530  8    William set out on a serious study of the situation,
P29 0540  5    including trips to Wisconsin and Washington.
P29 0550  1       In the end, he said: "I'm not enchanted by the proposition,
P29 0560  1    sir. I know a guy named Jack Hamrick, a very bright
P29 0560 12    young engineer who was with Chrysler, and I took him
P29 0570 10    with me to Allstates. It's his expert opinion that
P29 0580  6    the plant isn't well suited to what you have in mind.
P29 0590  5    The conversion will cost a fortune. Besides that, I'm
P29 0600  2    acquainted more or less with the defense hardware situation
P29 0600 11    through my contacts in the Air Force. I think Adam
P29 0610 10    Herberet is guilty of being too hopeful and better
P29 0620  7    informed on defense financing than on the technical
P29 0630  4    side. Missiles have thrown everything up for grabs,
P29 0640  1    and nobody seems to be sure where we go from here.
P29 0640 12    The future of manned aircraft is in doubt, which affects
P29 0650  7    government procurement, and jet transports have revolutionized
P29 0670  4    the airline trade- one jet can take the place of three
P29 0680  5    compound-engine planes. This means the aircraft companies
P29 0690  1    are going to tear into the government market, looking
P29 0690 10    for anything they can get and making the competition
P29 0700  8    tough. Here are a few facts and figures I've assembled.
P29 0710  5    Can't you stay with what you have and wait till the
P29 0720  5    dust settles"?
P29 0720  7       Willis glanced at the bound pages given him and
P29 0730  5    shrugged. "Well", he said, "there is Freddy, you know
P29 0740  3    **h. And Gerry. Freddy is deeply committed to our plans
P29 0750  2    already. He assures me he has people to handle the
P29 0750 12    money raising, and Ham Richert, my lawyer, says the
P29 0760  8    legal aspects of the wedding of Zenith and Allstates
P29 0770  5    are no problem. I don't like to exhibit the deadly
P29 0780  3    dampening effect of an elderly man's caution".
P29 0790  1       "Yes, I appreciate that. I wish you wouldn't tell
P29 0790 10    Freddy I'm lukewarm; I've caused him trouble before,
P29 0800  7    and he's beginning to resent me. If we don't take care,
P29 0810  9    the sisters will be entering the fray on opposite sides,
P29 0820  5    brandishing their cudgels".
P29 0820  8       "Which is a frightful prospect, Bill". Willis laughed.
P29 0830  8    "One shouldn't mix commercial affairs with patriarchy,
P29 0840  6    but in this case I have no choice **h. Let me think
P29 0850  7    about it. I'm most grateful to you, so grateful I wish
P29 0860  4    you were my principal aide instead of Freddy".
P29 0870  1       Not to William's surprise, Freddy, Adam and Hamilton
P29 0870  9    Richert prevailed; allied to them was Gerry, devoting
P29 0880  8    much time to swaying her father, and Joan dismissed
P29 0890  6    all thought of the project and William was unwilling
P29 0900  3    to interfere further. Zenith absorbed Allstates, stock
P29 0910  2    transfers were arranged, and Freddy became president
P29 0910  9    of the hyphenated combination. Through Jack Hamrick,
P29 0920  5    William fell into the world of automobile promotion
P29 0930  5    and got several accounts for Shoals and Clay.
P29 0940  2       He forgot about ~A-~Z till, unhappily, he and Hamrick
P29 0950  1    were proved correct. Freddy's backing dropped away
P29 0950  8    from him and Mr& Willis was forced to make up the deficit.
P29 0960 11    Adam, beset by changing defense conditions and the
P29 0970  6    open secret that he was part of the new corporation,
P29 0980  3    couldn't deliver from his end. The Wisconsin plant
P29 0990  1    turned out to be a white elephant. Stock Willis held
P29 0990 11    in abundance fell sharply in value. Confronted by a
P29 1000  8    grim future, Freddy lost his nerve and plumped for
P29 1010  5    a drastic liquidation.
P29 1010  8       Once more Willis summoned William. "You were right",
P29 1020  6    he said- "you and your engineer- and I'm in something
P29 1030  5    of a bind. Freddy's solution doesn't appeal to me.
P29 1040  5    In addition to other defects, I'm a stubborn man and
P29 1050  3    hate to admit to the common garden variety of bad judgment.
P29 1060  1    Will you see if you can help me"?
P29 1060  9       William spent a long week end closeted with Hamrick.
P29 1070  6    His recent experience in motor car advertising, a love
P29 1080  3    for cars of themselves, the existence of ~A-~Z's useless
P29 1090  2    Wisconsin set-up, exposure to exciting conceptions
P29 1090  9    of Hamrick's that nobody would buy, and the coincidental
P29 1100  8    recent failure of a respected but out-dated small-car
P29 1110  9    manufacturer called Ticonderoga Motors had given him
P29 1120  5    an idea of such dimensions he was almost afraid to
P29 1130  2    broach it. Initially, Hamrick's reaction to ~A-~Z going
P29 1140  1    into the passenger car market was discouraging. He
P29 1140  9    thought the financing, the advertising, the production
P29 1150  5    of new models, the founding of a nationwide chain of
P29 1160  5    dealerships was simply too difficult. Then he caught
P29 1170  1    fire. If ~A-~Z could buy Ticonderoga cheaply and use
P29 1170 11    their presses and dies and other equipment, if William
P29 1180  9    could hit precisely the right promotion note, if the
P29 1190  7    money hurdle was not insurmountable **h.
P29 1200  2       They took nearly a month to investigate, marshal
P29 1200 10    statistics, and put their arguments down in black and
P29 1210  9    white. Taking Hamrick with him, William went to Mr&
P29 1220  7    Willis. He was surprised and dubious, but impressed
P29 1230  3    by the engineer and the report.
P29 1230  9       "Your alternative is breathtaking", he said, "and,
P29 1250  6    I'm frank in saying, a bit mad. I wish I was younger
P29 1260  9    and less timid **h. Well, I can't resolve this myself.
P29 1270  4    I'll have to call in the brain trust. Are you willing
P29 1280  2    to run the gantlet? I can't guarantee you a sympathetic
P29 1290  1    audience".
P29 1290  2       "We'll be in there swinging", William said, "but
P29 1300  2    in a way, sir, you've got to decide it yourself. You
P29 1300 13    have the controlling interest and the principal expenditure
P29 1310  8    is yours- and, besides, nobody else is going to have
P29 1320  9    the courage. If they follow anyone, it'll have to be
P29 1330  6    you". He paused. "I should explain: there's more here
P29 1340  4    for me than advocating my little dream, there's you.
P29 1350  2    You mustn't take a fall, or publicly back away. I hate
P29 1350 13    that. You're- you're Arthur Willis **h. Forgive the
P29 1360  7    hearts and flowers theme".
P29 1370  3       "I rather like the music", Willis replied quietly.
P29 1380  2    "Thank you".
P29 1380  4       At the meeting, attended by Freddy, Richert, Herberet
P29 1390  3    and the ~A-~Z executive staff, with Mr& Willis presiding,
P29 1400  4    William and Hamrick did indeed run the gantlet. From
P29 1410  2    shock and incredulity, most of the listeners went on
P29 1410 11    to open resistance and animosity.
P29 1420  4       "Oh, my God", Ham Richert said, "a little child
P29 1430  5    shall lead them. Move over, General Motors".
P29 1440  1       "It's absurd, Bill", Freddy said, from a pale face.
P29 1450  1    "You're leading Dad down the garden path".
P29 1450  8       "Your garden, God damn it"! William said.
P29 1470  6       "I don't enjoy family quarrels", Adam said. "Nor
P29 1480  5    crazy relatives. We're here to transact business. Can't
P29 1490  4    we put an end to this, Arthur"?
P29 1500  1       "Hear me out, please", William begged. "I'm an advertising
P29 1510  1    hustler, I admit, but I have to get hot once in a larger
P29 1510 14    sphere. Sure, Ticonderoga went broke in the low-priced
P29 1520  9    market bucking the Big Three. Their cars weren't small
P29 1530  6    enough, they didn't have the power, they were old-fashioned.
P29 1540  6    They tried to sell 'em on economy and simple merit.
P29 1550  3    We've arrived at an age for romance and snobbery. We've
P29 1560  2    all been rich and spoiled long enough to hate the machine
P29 1560 13    age. Look what those little European jobs are doing.
P29 1570  9    We'll woo the consumer with a product, not bludgeon
P29 1580  7    him with chromed excess length and weight. Let's make
P29 1590  5    it moonlight and the call of far places and a seduction,
P29 1600  3    at reasonable rates. Ticonderoga folded a few minutes
P29 1600 11    too soon, before the tide changed, still honest and
P29 1610  9    stupid- and the network of dealers the company had
P29 1620  6    is around waiting to be signed up again- waiting for
P29 1630  5    us, ready-made. We've got rid of the steam yachts and
P29 1640  2    Georgian houses, and the bloated, too-expensive automobile
P29 1640 10    is next. Why not come down smartly in the world, in
P29 1650 11    a chic fashion, with an Allstates-Zenith"?
P29 1660  4       He swayed them somewhat, but the debate raged on.
P29 1670  4    Financing emerged as the main obstacle. Mr& Willis
P29 1680  1    made it evident that he had contributed his maximum.
P29 1680 10       "Nobody will underwrite it, I'm telling you", Freddy
P29 1690  8    said. "I know what I'm talking about in that department".
P29 1700  8       "There's plenty of risk money", Ham Richert added,
P29 1710  8    "but not for anything this risky".
P29 1720  3       "All right", William said. "We'll try to swing the
P29 1730  5    deal on that basis. If we can't raise the capital,
P29 1740  1    we're through. Nothing has been lost. You're up against
P29 1740 10    it anyhow. Why won't you give me a chance"?
P29 1750  8       A silence fell. Heads instinctively turned in Willis'
P29 1760  6    direction. He smiled at William and slowly rubbed his
P29 1770  5    hands together.
P29 1770  7       "I feel I must answer the question", he said, "since
P29 1780  7    the onus later, if any, should fall on me- I don't
P29 1790  6    relish recriminations spread broadcast outside my family
P29 1800  3    **h. I'm not giving you a chance, Bill, but availing
P29 1810  1    myself of your generous offer of assistance. Good luck
P29 1810 10    to you".
P29 1820  1       "All the in-laws have got to have their day", Adam
P29 1820 12    said, and glared at William and Freddy in turn.
P29 1830  8       Sweat started out on William's forehead, whether
P29 1840  4    from relief or disquietude he could not tell. Across
P29 1850  3    the table, Hamrick saluted him jubilantly with an encircled
P29 1860  1    thumb and forefinger. Nobody else showed pleasure.
P29 1860  8    ##
P29 1860  9    Spike-haired, burly, red-faced, decked with horn-rimmed
P29 1870  8    glasses and an Ivy League suit, Jack Hamrick awaited
P29 1880  6    William at the officers' club. "Hello, boss", he said,
P29 1890  5    and grinned. "I suppose I can never expect to call
P29 1900  4    you 'General' after that Washington episode".
P29 1910  1       "I'm afraid not".