P01 1 <#FROWN:P01\>"I'm sorry to be late," she said, P01 2 hurrying to her customary chair beside Lady Louisa. "I was P01 3 going over the accounts, and I fear I lost all track of -" P01 4 She broke off, her eyes widening in delight as she spied Mr. P01 5 Stallings. "Richard!"

P01 6 "Matty!" He leapt to his feet, his earnest face P01 7 lit with pleasure as he held out his hand to her. "By all P01 8 that is holy, I never thought to find you here!"

P01 9 "I have been at Kirkswood for five years now, since P01 10 Papa's death,"she replied, her brown eyes shining as she P01 11 gazed up at the young curate who had once been her father's P01 12 assistant. The two of them had been quite close, but despite her P01 13 father's hopes their feelings for each other had never developed P01 14 into anything deeper than friendship. "And you?"

P01 15 "Still working as an assistant," he confessed P01 16 with an affable shrug. "I was at the rectory near Compton P01 17 for almost two years, but the bishop recently assigned me to Mr. P01 18 Thorntyn's parish. At the time I confess to being slightly put out, P01 19 but now that I know you are here ..." His boyish grin and P01 20 sparkling eyes completed the sentence for him.

P01 21 "I had no idea you had a connection with Miss P01 22 Stone." Mr. Thorntyn's remark sounded suspiciously like an P01 23 accusation. "Odd you never mentioned it."

P01 24 "I didn't know she was here, Mr. Thorntyn," P01 25 Richard answered easily, assisting Matty to her chair. "But P01 26 she and I are old friends. I had the privilege of working with her P01 27 good father when I was fresh out of the seminary. He was a very P01 28 good rector, and one of the kindest men I have ever P01 29 known."

P01 30 "Your father was a vicar, Miss Stone?" Mr. P01 31 Thorntyn turned his jet-black eyes on hers. "One would have P01 32 never guessed."

P01 33 Matty favored him with a honeyed smile. "Why, thank P01 34 you, Mr. Thorntyn," she said, as if he'd just paid her a P01 35 high compliment. "It is very kind of you to say P01 36 so."

P01 37 The vicar clearly did not know how to take such sauce, but P01 38 fortunately Joss did, and adroitly he steered the conversation in P01 39 another direction. He successfully kept the peace for the remainder P01 40 of the hour, until it was time for their visitors to take their P01 41 leave. "It was most gracious of you to have us here, my P01 42 lord, most gracious," Mr. Thorntyn said, bowing to Joss. P01 43 "May I hope to see you in church this Sabbath?"

P01 44 "You may," Joss said, knowing it would be P01 45 expected of him while he was in residence.

P01 46 "And you, sir?" He sliced a cool look at P01 47 Raj.

P01 48 "I shouldn't think of being anywhere else, Raj P01 49 assured him solemnly.

P01 50 "Hmph." Mr. Thorntyn settled his flat back hat P01 51 on his head. "Come along, Stallings, we've much to do this P01 52 day."

P01 53 "In one moment, sir." Richard turned to Matty. P01 54 "I have been informed by our housekeeper that Lady P01 55 Kirkwood's companion is responsible for a great deal of the P01 56 charitable work hereabouts. That must be you?"

P01 57 "I do make a point of calling on the tenants, P01 58 yes," Matty admitted, feeling a stab of guilt at the P01 59 realization that she'd been neglecting that particular duty over P01 60 the past week.

P01 61 "Well perhaps you will let me accompany you on your P01 62 rounds," he suggested thoughtfully. "It will give P01 63 me the opportunity to meet with my new parishioners and acquaint P01 64 myself with their needs."

P01 65 The suggestion brought a delighted smile to Matty's lips. P01 66 "What an excellent idea, Richard! I've often tried P01 67 interesting Mr. Thorntyn in helping me, but he never ... that P01 68 is," she corrected hastily, "I would appreciate the P01 69 help, thank you."

P01 70 "When do you next go out?" Richard prudently P01 71 ignored the first part of her statement.

P01 72 "I should go out as soon as possible," she P01 73 replied, her brows meeting in thought. "Tomorrow, perhaps, P01 74 or -"

P01 75 "I beg your pardon, Miss Stone," Joss P01 76 interrupted, his voice cool. "Is tomorrow not the day you P01 77 were going to take me about?"

P01 78 Matty gave him a confused look, knowing full well that such P01 79 plans had never been made. She was about to ask for clarification P01 80 when the ice in his green eyes stopped her. "Of course, P01 81 your lordship, in the excitement over seeing Richard again the P01 82 matter slipped my mind. Naturally, I shall place myself at your P01 83 disposal." She turned back to Richard.

P01 84 "I will send you a note," she promised, holding P01 85 her hand out to him. "It will be wonderful working with you P01 86 again."

P01 87 He took her hand and raised it to his lips. "I will P01 88 look forward to it," he said, pressing a fleeting kiss on P01 89 the back of her hand. "Until then, Matty, I shall bid you P01 90 adieu."

P01 91 The moment the door closed behind them Louisa collapsed against P01 92 her chair. "Well, thank heavens that is over with for P01 93 the next few months!" she said, taking a restorative sip of P01 94 tea. "I know it is unkind of me to say so, but I really can P01 95 not abide that man."

P01 96 "He does have a rather ... trying personality," P01 97 Raj agreed with a wry grin. "The assistant seemed to be an P01 98 all right fellow, though. Are you well acquainted with him, Miss P01 99 Stone?" His blue eyes flashed in Matty's direction.

P01 100 "Very well acquainted," she replied, taking a P01 101 sip of her own tea. "As I mentioned, he was my father's P01 102 assistant for several months, and we were quite close."

P01 103 "And now he is here," Lady Louisa drawled, her P01 104 eyes lit with a speculative light. "Hmmm, I find that most P01 105 interesting."

P01 106 Matty didn't deign to comment on what her employer might mean P01 107 by that. Instead, she occupied her thoughts puzzling over the P01 108 marquess's odd behavior. One would almost think he disapproved of P01 109 her going about with Richard, she brooded, the cup of her tea in P01 110 her hand quite forgotten. But that made no earthly sense. Unless he P01 111 felt she was making a play for him, she thought, her lips P01 112 tightening with indignation. Doubtlessly Lord Kirkswood considered P01 113 her a dried-up spinster desperate to toss her bonnet at any man who P01 114 looked at her twice.

P01 115 As soon as this notion appeared she dismissed it as untrue and P01 116 unkind. Whatever his other faults, the marquess struck her as being P01 117 a fair man. Perhaps he genuinely thought they had a previous P01 118 engagement; they'd once talked about visiting some of the tenants. P01 119 It wasn't unreasonable to assume he'd mixed the matter up in his P01 120 mind. Her papa was always doing things like that, and Lord P01 121 Frederick had never been able to keep a single detail straight in P01 122 the four or so years she had known him. Yes, she decided with a P01 123 satisfied sigh, that must be it.

P01 124 While Matty was congratulating herself on the brilliant way she P01 125 had solved the puzzle, Joss was silently cursing himself for his P01 126 behavior. What the devil made him interfere in Miss Stone's meeting P01 127 with her old friend? he wondered, his jaw clenching with annoyance. P01 128 It wasn't any concern of his what the minx did on her own P01 129 time. He only knew he hadn't cared for the thought of her rambling P01 130 around the countryside with that grinning clergyman dogging her P01 131 every step. She was his sister-in-law's companion, and that, P01 132 indirectly, made her his responsibility.

P01 133 Perhaps that accounted for it, he decided, staring at the fire P01 134 in the grate with unseeing eyes. He was only concerned for her P01 135 welfare. Lord knew the chit didn't seem to give her own reputation P01 136 any thought. He'd slip a discreet word in her ear about the P01 137 inadvisability of a single lady racketing about with an eligible P01 138 man, he decided with a flash of self-righteousness. She would P01 139 probably rail at the very suggestion, but he didn't let that P01 140 concern him. Over the past few days he had grown accustomed to P01 141 dealing with shrews, and he was pleasantly surprised to find he had P01 142 a talent for it.

P01 143 The next morning Matty was up early to raid the kitchen for P01 144 supplies. Since the marquess's return, the account with the grocer P01 145 had been settled to everyone's liking, and the larder fairly P01 146 overflowed with bounty. Matty was filling the second food box when P01 147 she suddenly sensed she was no longer alone. She whirled around to P01 148 find the marquess standing just in the doorway, casually dressed in P01 149 a riding jacket of green velvet, his muscular legs encased in a P01 150 pair of deerskin breeches.

P01 151 "Good morning, sir," she greeted him with a P01 152 wary smile. "I hadn't expected to find you up and abroad at P01 153 such an early hour. It is scarce nine o'clock."

P01 154 "I am accustomed to rising early," Joss said, P01 155 thinking she made a pretty picture despite her prim gray gown and P01 156 the awful mob cap perched on her curls. "In India I was P01 157 often hard at work by seven. It was the only way to avoid the P01 158 appalling heat."

P01 159 "Well, in that case I am surprised to see you turning P01 160 into such a slacker," she teased, recalling he'd said P01 161 something about owning a fleet of ships. "You'll be P01 162 sleeping until noon next, and demanding the servants bring you your P01 163 breakfast in bed."

P01 164 "You wound me, Miss Stone," he said, pushing P01 165 himself away from the doorframe and advancing slowly toward her. P01 166 "I've been up since eight and have already taken my morning P01 167 ride. If anyone is the slugabed around here, it's most assuredly P01 168 not me."

P01 169 She could see the justice in that and gave a merry laugh. P01 170 "Hoisted by my own petard," she said, placing a tin P01 171 of biscuits in the box and covering it with a napkin. P01 172 "Well, that should teach me to be so annoyingly P01 173 self-righteous."

P01 174 "Somehow I think it will take more than that to shake P01 175 that self-confidence of yours," Joss said with a slow P01 176 smile. "But enough of this. What are your plans for this P01 177 morning?"

P01 178 "I thought we would start with the tenants most in need P01 179 of assistance. Several of our families have suffered rather cruelly P01 180 this past year, and it may be necessary to extend their leases even P01 181 if they haven't paid their rents." She shot him an anxious P01 182 look as if gauging his response.

P01 183 To her relief he merely shrugged. "Whatever you think P01 184 best," he said, moving forward to take the boxes from the P01 185 counter. "I'll have these placed in the carriage and then P01 186 we'll be on our way."

P01 187 "Carriage?" Matty seemed startled.

P01 188 "Certainly a carriage." He gave her a puzzled P01 189 look. "How do you usually make your visits?"

P01 190 "On foot," she admitted, "or on P01 191 horseback if I have a great deal to carry."

P01 192 Given the conditions of the stables this came as no great shock P01 193 to Joss, for the horses did not look capable of regular work. But P01 194 he stiffened to think of a woman as slender as Miss Stone tromping P01 195 about his vast estate weighed down with packages for the poor. P01 196 "Well, we have a carriage now, and it will please me if you P01 197 use it when you are on estate business," he informed her P01 198 stiffly. "Or, if you prefer, a horse can be made available P01 199 for your use. Would you like that?"

P01 200 "My own horse?" Matty's eyes grew wide with P01 201 delight. "Oh, my lord, I should like it above all P01 202 things!"

P01 203 Her enthusiasm pleased Joss, and he resolved to send for a new P01 204 horse at once. Some gentle, placid beast, he decided as they made P01 205 their way out to the stables. He wondered if Lady Louisa would also P01 206 like a mount, and decided he'd ask her the moment they returned P01 207 from their visits.

P01 208 The early morning sun was low in the gray-blue sky, but the air P01 209 was sweet nonetheless with the smell of blossoming flowers and P01 210 budding trees. Easily handling the carriage he'd rented until his P01 211 own could be delivered, Joss allowed himself to enjoy the splendor P01 212 of an English spring. He'd forgotten how very beautiful it could be P01 213 - or perhaps he hadn't allowed himself to remember. The thought P01 214 brought another jab of pain.

P01 215 Their first call was upon a family who had moved into an estate P01 216 cottage less than six months ago. The farmer was wary, if capable, P01 217 and after quizzing him on the matter of planting Joss told the P01 218 startled young man not to worry about his rent.

P01 219 P01 220 P02 1 <#FROWN:P02\>Chapter 11

P02 2 WILLIAM insisted that Sarah go to his doctor in Harley Street, P02 3 the moment they returned to London. And he confirmed what she had P02 4 guessed weeks before. By then she was five weeks pregnant, and he P02 5 told her that the child would be born in late August or early P02 6 September. And he urged her to be cautious for the first few months P02 7 because of the miscarriage she'd had. But he found her in excellent P02 8 health, and congratulated William on his heir, when he came to P02 9 fetch her. William was clearly very pleased with himself, and with P02 10 her, and they told his mother when they went to Whitfield that P02 11 weekend.

P02 12 "My dear children, that is marvelous!" she P02 13 raved, acting as though they had accomplished something no one else P02 14 had since Mary with Jesus. "I might remind you that it took P02 15 you thirty days what it took your father and me thirty years to P02 16 accomplish. You are to be congratulated on your speed, and your P02 17 good fortune! What clever children you are!" She toasted P02 18 them and they laughed. But she was enormously pleased for them, and P02 19 she told Sarah again that having William had been the happiest P02 20 moment in her life, and had remained thus in all the years since P02 21 then. But as the doctor had done, she urged her not to be foolish P02 22 and overdo, lest it hurt the baby or herself.

P02 23 "Really, I'm fine." She felt surprisingly well, P02 24 and the doctor had said they could make love, P02 25 "reasonably," he had suggested they not hang off P02 26 the chandelier or try to set any Olympic records, which Sarah had P02 27 passed on to William. But he was desperately afraid that making P02 28 love at all would hurt her or the baby. "I promise you, it P02 29 won't do anything. He said so."

P02 30 "How does he know?"

P02 31 "He's a doctor," she reassured him.

P02 32 "Maybe he's no good. Maybe we should see someone P02 33 else."

P02 34 "William, he was your mother's doctor before you were P02 35 born."

P02 36 "Precisely. He's too old. We'll see someone P02 37 younger."

P02 38 He actually went so far as to find a specialist for her, and P02 39 just to humor him, she saw him, and he told her all the same things P02 40 as kindly old Lord Allthorpe, who Sarah much preferred. And by then P02 41 she was two months pregnant, and had had no problems.

P02 42 "What I want to know is when we are going back to P02 43 France," she said after they'd been in London for a month. P02 44 She was dying to get started on their new home.

P02 45 "Are you serious?" William looked horrified. P02 46 "You want to go now? Don't you want to wait until after the P02 47 baby?

P02 48 "Of course not. Why wait all these months when we could P02 49 be working on it now? I'm not sick, for heaven's sake, darling, I'm P02 50 pregnant."

P02 51 "I know. But what if something happens?" He P02 52 looked frantic and wished she weren't so determined. But even old P02 53 Lord Allthorpe agreed that there was no real reason for her to stay P02 54 at home, and as long as she didn't wear herself out completely, or P02 55 carry anything to heavy, he thought the project in France would be P02 56 fine.

P02 57 "Keeping busy will be the best thing for her," P02 58 he assured them, and then suggested they wait till March, so she P02 59 would be fully three months pregnant before they left. It was the P02 60 only compromise Sarah was willing to make. She would wait until P02 61 March to go back to France, but not a moment longer. She was dying P02 62 to get to work on the ch<*_>a-circ<*/>teau.

P02 63 William tried to drag out his projects at Whitfield as best he P02 64 could, and his mother kept urging him to tell Sarah to take it P02 65 easy.

P02 66 "Mother, I try, but she doesn't listen," he P02 67 finally said in a moment of exasperation.

P02 68 "She's just a child herself. She doesn't realize one P02 69 has to be careful. She wouldn't want to lose this baby." P02 70 But Sarah had already learned that lesson the hard way long before. P02 71 And she was more careful than William thought, taking naps, and P02 72 getting off her feet, and resting when she was tired. She had no P02 73 intention of losing this baby. Nor did she intend to sit around. P02 74 And she pressed him until finally he was ready to go back to P02 75 France, and couldn't stall her any longer. By then it was P02 76 mid-March, and she was threatening to leave without him.

P02 77 They went to Paris on the royal yacht, when Lord Mountbatten P02 78 was on his way to see the Duke of Windsor, and he agreed to take P02 79 the young couple over as a favor. "Dickie," as P02 80 William and his contemporaries called him, was a very handsome man, P02 81 and Sarah amused him during the entire crossing, telling him about P02 82 the ch<*_>a_circ<*/>teau and the work they were going to do P02 83 there.

P02 84 "William, old man, sounds like you have your work cut P02 85 out for you." But he thought it would be good for them too. P02 86 It was obvious that they were very much in love, and very excited P02 87 about their project.

P02 88 William had had the concierge at the Ritz hire a car for them, P02 89 and they had managed to find a small hotel two and a half hours P02 90 outside Paris, not far from their crumbling ch<*_>a-circ<*/>teau. P02 91 They rented the top floor of the hotel, and planned to live there P02 92 until they had made the ch<*_>a-circ<*/>teau habitable again, which P02 93 they both knew could be a long time.

P02 94 "It might be years, you know," William grumbled P02 95 as they saw it again. And he spent the next two weeks lining up P02 96 workmen. Eventually, he had hired a sizeable crew, and they began P02 97 by prying off the boards and shutters to see what lay within. There P02 98 were surprises everywhere as they worked, and some of them were P02 99 happy ones, and some of them were not. The main living room was a P02 100 splendid room, and eventually they found three salons, with P02 101 beautiful boiseries, and fading gilt on some of the P02 102 moldings; there were marble fireplaces and beautiful floors. But in P02 103 some places the wood had been destroyed by mold and years of P02 104 dampness, and animals who had ventured in through the boards and P02 105 gnawed at the lovely moldings here and there.

P02 106 There was a huge, handsome dining room, a series of smaller P02 107 salons, still on the main floor, an extraordinary wood-panelled P02 108 library, and a baronial hall worthy of any English castle, and a P02 109 kitchen so antiquated it reminded Sarah of some of the museums P02 110 she'd visited with her parents the year before. There were tools P02 111 there that surely no one had used for two hundred years, and she P02 112 collected them carefully with the intent to save them. And they P02 113 carefully stored the two carriages they had found in the barn.

P02 114 William ventured cautiously upstairs after their initial P02 115 investigations on the main floor of the ch<_*>a-circ<*/>teau. But P02 116 he absolutely refused to let Sarah join him, for fear the floors P02 117 might cave in, but he found them all surprisingly solid, and P02 118 eventually he let Sarah come up to see what he'd found. There were P02 119 at least a dozen large sunny rooms, again with lovely P02 120 boiseries, and beautifully shaped windows, and there was P02 121 a handsome sitting room with a marble fireplace, which looked out P02 122 over the main entrance and what had once been the park and the P02 123 gardens of the ch<*_>a-circ<*/>teau. But suddenly Sarah realized as P02 124 she walked from room to room, that there were no bathrooms. Of P02 125 course, she laughed to herself, there wouldn't have been. They took P02 126 baths in tubs in their dressing rooms, and they had chamber pots P02 127 instead of toilets.

P02 128 There was a lot of work to do, but it was clearly well worth P02 129 doing. And even William looked excited now. He made drawings for P02 130 the men, and drew up work schedules and spent every day from dawn P02 131 to dusk giving directions, while Sarah worked beside him, sanding P02 132 down old wood, refinishing floors, cleaning boiseries, P02 133 repairing gilt, and polishing brass and bronze until it shone, and P02 134 eventually she spent most of every day painting. And while they P02 135 worked on the main house, William had assigned a crew of young boys P02 136 to repair the caretaker's cottage so that eventually they could P02 137 move there from the hotel, and be right on the site of their P02 138 enormous project.

P02 139 The caretaker's cottage was small. It had a tiny living room, a P02 140 smaller bedroom beside it, and a large cozy kitchen, and upstairs P02 141 there were two slightly larger sunny bedrooms. But it was certainly P02 142 adequate for them, and possibly even a serving girl downstairs, if P02 143 eventually Sarah felt like she needed one. They had a bedroom for P02 144 themselves, and even one for their baby when it arrived.

P02 145 She could feel the baby moving inside her now, and each time P02 146 she felt it, she smiled, convinced that it would be a boy and look P02 147 just like William. She told him that from time to time, and he P02 148 insisted that he didn't care if it was a girl, they wanted more P02 149 anyway. "And it's not as though we're supplying an heir to P02 150 the throne," he teased her, but there was still his title, P02 151 and the matter of inheriting Whitfield and its lands.

P02 152 But they both had more than Whitfield, or even their P02 153 ch<*_>a-circ<*/>teau, on their minds these days. In March, Hitler P02 154 had raised his ugly head, and had "absorbed" Czechoslovakia, P02 155 claiming that in effect, it no longer existed as a separate entity P02 156 anymore. He had, in effect, swallowed ten million persons who were P02 157 not Germans. And he had no sooner devoured them, than he turned his P02 158 sights on Poland, and began threatening them about issues that had P02 159 been a problem for some time, in Danzig, and elsewhere.

P02 160 A week after all that, the Spanish Civil War came to an end, P02 161 having taken well over a million lives, as the well-being of Spain P02 162 lay in ruins.

P02 163 But April was worse. Imitating his German friend, Mussolini P02 164 took over Albania, and the British and French governments began to P02 165 growl, and offered Greece and Romania their help if they felt it P02 166 was needed. They had offered the same thing weeks before to Poland, P02 167 promising this time to stand by if Hitler came any closer.

P02 168 By May, Mussolini and Hitler had signed an alliance, each P02 169 promising to follow the other into war, and similar discussions P02 170 between France, England, and Russia stopped and started, and went P02 171 nowhere. It was a dismal spring for world politics, and the P02 172 Whitfields were deeply concerned, yet at the same time they were P02 173 moving ahead with their enormous work at the Ch<_*>a-circ<*/>teau P02 174 de la Meuze, and Sarah was deeply engrossed in her baby. She was P02 175 six months pregnant by then, and although he didn't say so to her, P02 176 William thought she was enormous. But they were both tall, and it P02 177 was reasonable to think that their child might be large. He would P02 178 feel it moving inside her at night as they lay in bed, and once in P02 179 a while when he moved close to her, he'd feel the baby kick him.

P02 180 "Doesn't that hurt?" He was fascinated by it, P02 181 by the life he felt inside her, her growing shape, and the baby P02 182 that would soon come from the love they had shared. The miracle of P02 183 it all still overwhelmed him. He still made love to her from time P02 184 to time, but he was more and more afraid to hurt her, and she P02 185 seemed less interested now. She was hard at work on the P02 186 ch<_*>a-circ<*/>teau, and by the time they fell into bed at night P02 187 they were both exhausted. And in the morning the workmen arrived at P02 188 six o'clock and began hammering and banging.

P02 189 They were able to move into the caretaker's house in late June, P02 190 and give up their rooms at the hotel, which pleased them. They were P02 191 living on their own turf now and the grounds had begun to look P02 192 civilized. He had brought a fleet of gardeners from Paris to cut P02 193 and chop and plant, and turn a jungle back into a garden. The park P02 194 took more time, but by August there was hope for that, too, and by P02 195 then it was amazing, the progress they had made with the whole P02 196 house. P02 197 P02 198 P02 199 P03 1 <#FROWN:P03\>This whole mad weekend trip was typical of Zach P03 2 Nevsky, Nick De Salvo thought in admiration. Just yesterday, on P03 3 Friday morning, Zach's entire company of actors had been stuck up P03 4 to their eyeballs in a thick miasma of dullness, a vast glue-like P03 5 bog that was rising fast over their heads. Every last one of the P03 6 performers, even he, the star, was numb with a supreme lack of P03 7 interest in the playwright's vision. That word, vision, made P03 8 him queasy behind his eyes. Vision, ech!

P03 9 Was vision-sickness some sort of violently contagious virus P03 10 that only attacked actors who had been struggling in a rehearsal P03 11 hall for weeks on end? Maybe it was unshakable, unacknowledged P03 12 insecurity that made them all secretly wonder why the hell they P03 13 were involved in this silly business of worrying about the vision P03 14 of some writer, instead of working at a normal job as their parents P03 15 had suggested, demanded, implored that they do for as long as they P03 16 all could remember?

P03 17 He'd been sitting there, word-perfect as always, but mentally P03 18 flat on his ass with his sudden lack of curiosity about the subtext P03 19 of the play. Did he give a flying fuck if Hamlet and his mom had a P03 20 yen to dance the dirty turkey? Did he care if his uncle had done P03 21 the nasty on his daddy? Did he give a shit if he'd hurt the P03 22 feelings of that weird nymph, Ophelia, or if she'd always been P03 23 around the bend? Talk about a whiner! And what sensible guy could P03 24 worry that if he died, he might - perchance, as the fellow said, P03 25 per-chance, no less - dream? Weren't bad dreams just about P03 26 the least of Hamlet's worries, perchance?

P03 27 Why had he, Nick De Salvo, a dues-paying, seriously major, hot P03 28 young star, an outstanding member of Young Hollywood, turned down a P03 29 giant-budget buddy flick at Universal to come back to New York and P03 30 play Hamlet Off Broadway? So what if all the greatest actors in P03 31 history had felt they had to have a whack at the greatest play in P03 32 history? Why hadn't he left it alone, he didn't need to prove to P03 33 himself that he was as good as Olivier, he knew he wasn't, not yet. P03 34 Give him time. The guys at Universal weren't exactly hustling him P03 35 to play Shakespeare, and his agent had all but popped a hernia at P03 36 the news.

P03 37 Yeah, yesterday there wasn't an actor in the room who hadn't P03 38 reminded him of a gloomy, resentful schoolkid kept in unfairly P03 39 during recess. And then Zach had walked in and strolled around the P03 40 table without a word, looking at their glum faces in paternal P03 41 amusement, given each of them a jelly doughnut out of a paper bag, P03 42 unleashed that big, unguarded laugh of his and told them all to P03 43 take seventy-two. Not five, not ten, not even the afternoon off, P03 44 but just to get the hell out of the rehearsal hall and not dare to P03 45 come back until Tuesday, when they would have had a three-day P03 46 weekend to recover from too much great language.

P03 47 "You're all too good to be bad," he'd told P03 48 them, "you've all got what it takes or I wouldn't let you P03 49 in the door, but you're forcing it. You can fake an orgasm - yeah, P03 50 even you guys - but you can't force Shakespeare, so out! Have some P03 51 laughs before I lay eyes on you again, or I won't let you come play P03 52 tragedy with me!"

P03 53 The room had cleared in ten seconds and he had decided to go P03 54 skiing with Zach. Nothing New York had to offer could be more fun, P03 55 Nick reflected as he drove along a highway that had been recently P03 56 cleared of snow after an early, pre-Christmas blizzard. Zach and he P03 57 had been best friends since grammar school, even though he P03 58 sometimes got fed up with the guy when he was nudging, kvetching, P03 59 manipulating, shaking, moving and harping on that vision thing. P03 60 "I'm not a sieve, Nick, " Zach would say, P03 61 "I'm there to serve the playwright and I can't do it unless P03 62 I connect to the vision personally. Directing is about allowing P03 63 creative people to discover the stuff they've got through P03 64 me."

P03 65 Well, Zach was right, as usual. The only time he had been P03 66 spectacularly wrong was back in seventh grade when he'd tried to be P03 67 an actor himself. Probably because Zach was the tallest guy in the P03 68 class, he'd been given a part in the spring play. A real lox, act P03 69 he could not, no way, but he'd memorized everyone's lines by the P03 70 first rehearsal and started prompting them when they forgot, and P03 71 then making suggestions and finally shaping the play to his P03 72 thirteen-year-old vision, leaving poor Miss Levy, their homeroom P03 73 teacher and official director of the play, wondering what had hit P03 74 her.

P03 75 Being in that play with Zach was the reason he was a successful P03 76 actor now, Nick realized. Even way back then, Zach had encouraged P03 77 him, even deep into the first year of puberty the guy had time to P03 78 have vision and to articulate it. What the fuck, admit it, he'd P03 79 missed hearing people carry on about the vision thing out on the P03 80 Coast. Like all the rest of Young Hollywood he'd wake up every P03 81 morning and wonder if his success was due to dumb luck and timing P03 82 plus the face he couldn't be proud of because he'd been given it, P03 83 not worked for it, or whether he could maybe, possibly, really act. P03 84 Actors lived with fear. The whole town ran on fear. Somehow Zach P03 85 took the fear away and replaced it with courage. A stint with Zach P03 86 forced him to dig down the way the camera never did, made him touch P03 87 the core of the talent he had, allowed him use it to its fullest. P03 88 His commodity. The ability to act was his commodity, the only P03 89 one he had to offer besides his face, and every once in a while he P03 90 needed to work with a director who deeply valued that commodity, P03 91 who recognized it and didn't inhibit his individual creative P03 92 impulses. Yeah, he had to admit it, he had the vision thing too. P03 93 Once you'd been exposed to Zach, you couldn't ignore it. He hadn't P03 94 been back East for a year - he was overdue for a dose of Zach. P03 95 Invigoration, thy name is Nevsky. When had the guy learned to P03 96 ski?

P03 97 What about the girls? How had Pandora Harper, who was playing P03 98 Ophelia, and who was hopelessly and, as far as he could see, P03 99 unsuccessfully, drooling for Zach, managed to horn in on this ski P03 100 trip? He didn't remember inviting her, but she seemed to be with P03 101 him, sort of. She wasn't his type, he didn't lust to melt her P03 102 glacial, well-bred blond beauty, although Pandora, to be fair, P03 103 could act up a storm or Zach wouldn't have cast her. She'd come P03 104 from an impeccable background, been Deb of the Year or something P03 105 equally improbable, yet she had a frightening ambition to succeed P03 106 as an actress and a lot of the equipment. But, good actress or not, P03 107 he sure as hell wasn't interested in a girl who was manifestly P03 108 salivating over Zach in a subtle way only another man could see.

P03 109 What he didn't get was Gigi Orsini. Was she Zach's date or P03 110 wasn't she? It hadn't been made plain. Zach's sister's roommate? P03 111 What kind of relationship was that? It didn't explain how come she P03 112 made the fourth member of their little winter sports group, P03 113 especially since she'd never been skiing before. He had to get to P03 114 the bottom of this because if Gigi was not Zach's date, he P03 115 personally would be deeply interested in teaching her how to, most P03 116 efficiently and quickly, take off her ski boots, her ski pants, and P03 117 her ski underwear, all of which she'd told him she'd borrowed for P03 118 the weekend. She had zing, tang, zest, zip, all that scrumptious P03 119 springtime stuff. Nothing dumbly traditional there. Gigi'd be all P03 120 pinky-pointy and spirited, not well-bred and boring. Yes, indeed. P03 121 Yum!

P03 122 What she'd like to know, Pandora Harper thought, was how this P03 123 Gigi somebody, who couldn't even ski, had attached herself to Nick P03 124 De Salvo, just about the most happening young leading man in P03 125 Hollywood. Had Zach, in his divinely dictatorial way, simply P03 126 dragged her along as a blind date for Nick? Improbable as it P03 127 sounded, in this day and age, people still got fixed up, as they P03 128 quaintly put it, and there was every chance that his sister had P03 129 nagged him to do something about her roommate. Tacky.

P03 130 Gigi-whoever was a perky little thing, you had to admit, if you P03 131 liked perky, and she very much did not. You couldn't trust the P03 132 perky ones, they were sneaky and fast, disappearing behind almost P03 133 any closed door or into any dark closet to rip off a quickie and no P03 134 one the wiser. They had a kind of animal cunning, or, as Hamlet P03 135 said, "methinks it is like a weasel."

P03 136 Darling, gorgeous Zach, hard as it was to credit, was P03 137 old-fashioned enough to care deeply for his sister. He was P03 138 sentimental in a world in which men hadn't been sentimental for a P03 139 hundred years. And an idealist in a world that glorified everything P03 140 but ideals. If he weren't the most unassailably sexy man she'd ever P03 141 laid eyes on, she'd steer very clear of him. Useless idealism and P03 142 outdated sentimentality weren't her thing, any more than perky. P03 143 Nobody got famous on them. Or rich, for that matter.

P03 144 Not that money mattered to her, she had more money than anyone P03 145 would ever need in a dozen lifetimes, thanks to Great-Grammy's P03 146 trust, and a good thing too, when you considered that another P03 147 actress would have to be willing to go hungry working Off Broadway. P03 148 No, money didn't matter. Fame, oh, yes, fame, nothing less - that P03 149 was what she was after, and that was what she intended to have. On P03 150 her way to fame, how divine to find Zach Nevsky, bull-necked, P03 151 rugged, boiling with energy, and by reputation possessed of the P03 152 most reliable hard-on in the entire theatrical world of Greater P03 153 Manhattan. Every fine young actress must screw her quota of P03 154 directors, and a few extra if possible. Tradition demanded it, and P03 155 she'd been brought up to obey tradition, particularly when it P03 156 agreed with her inclinations.

P03 157 She'd called Zach as soon as she'd heard that he'd lured Nick P03 158 De Salvo to town. The Prince of Young Hollywood daring to tackle P03 159 the Bard was bound to draw a flock of reviewers from every element P03 160 of the media. They would come to bury Nick - a violently handsome P03 161 boy, but not her type - and end up raving about her Ophelia. Zach P03 162 had been directing new work by young playwrights for almost a year. P03 163 It was a clever shift of pace for him to put Nick into the ultimate P03 164 classic, and to cast against physical type, a Danish prince played P03 165 by a smoldering Latin who looked as if he belonged to a biker gang. P03 166 Maybe it would work, but it didn't matter to her how long the play P03 167 ran; opening night was the only night that mattered. She'd been P03 168 letting Zach direct her as he saw Ophelia - that unutterably P03 169 dreary vision thing of his - but on opening night she'd play P03 170 her as she should be played - Ophelia was clearly a raving P03 171 nymphomaniac, not just borderline, but seriously batshit. She'd get P03 172 her hands on Nick's cock and caress it in all sorts of deliciously P03 173 wicked ways during the "get thee to a nunnery" P03 174 number. There wouldn't be anything anybody could do to stop her; P03 175 Nick was professional enough to carry on, and she'd make the P03 176 sensation and get the attention she was expecting. What could Zach P03 177 do about it at that point, after the critics saw her doing P03 178 everything but giving Hamlet head while he nattered away at her? P03 179 Words, words, words indeed! She'd show them. A doublet and hose P03 180 were perfect for easy access.

P03 181 Just thinking about it made her ready for Zach. There had been P03 182 some nonsense mentioned about her sharing a room with Gigi - she'd P03 183 manage to get around that barrier somehow or her Great-Grammy would P03 184 be ashamed of her. P03 185 P04 1 <#FROWN:P04\>3 P04 2 He knows my secret, Beverly Burgess thought as she looked out P04 3 at the snowy night. He knows my secret, and he'll use it to destroy P04 4 me.

P04 5 She was standing in the highest tower of the mansion known as P04 6 the Castle, and she sometimes thought ruefully of the parallels P04 7 between her situation and the fairy-tale story of the princess with P04 8 a curse on her, forbidden to be seen, or to see anyone, locked away P04 9 as if lamenting the loss of a lover and living out her days P04 10 spinning ropes of gold out of strands of her hair.

P04 11 Except that Beverly's hair wasn't gold any more, or even blond, P04 12 as it had been. It was brunette now, worn in a stylish Liz Taylor P04 13 shag instead of the French twist that had been Beverly's trademark P04 14 for so many years. And she wasn't really a princess, there was no P04 15 lost lover, and the high tower was in fact her office. The Castle P04 16 was the main building of Star's, the resort she had owned for the P04 17 past two and a half years.

P04 18 Her hair wasn't the only thing that had changed; she had a new P04 19 name as well. Many years ago, to hide her identity, she had changed P04 20 her name from Rachel Dwyer to Beverly Highland, naming herself P04 21 after two streets in Hollywood. And then, three and a half years P04 22 ago, Beverly Highland had 'died.' Now she was Beverly Burgess; she P04 23 had borrowed her mother's maiden name, but kept Beverly.

P04 24 The hair and name changes had been made to protect her identity P04 25 once more, but while the first disguise had fooled people for many P04 26 years, she suddenly had reason to fear that she might not have been P04 27 successful this time.

P04 28 He knows who I am, she thought again as she turned away from P04 29 the window and looked at the book that lay on her desk. It was P04 30 called Butterfly Exposed, and the man she was afraid of P04 31 was its author, the tabloid journalist Otis Quinn, who had claimed P04 32 during a recent television interview that Beverly Highland was P04 33 still alive.

P04 34 How could he possibly know? She had been so careful! The staged P04 35 death - the car going over the cliff and plunging into the ocean - P04 36 the funeral and burial at Forest Lawn. Beverly had left no traces P04 37 of that former life, when she had lived for the destruction of one P04 38 man in revenge for what he had done to her.

P04 39 Beverly had come out of hiding three years ago, after a brief P04 40 sojourn on a Pacific island with a young lover named Jamie, where P04 41 she had spent a few months living totally for herself, indulging in P04 42 every pleasure from food to sex. But when Beverly had grown tired P04 43 of that existence she had decided to see the world. Carefully P04 44 constructing a new identity and a new look for herself, she had P04 45 traveled to exotic places, and she had felt the old hunger return - P04 46 the desire to create a place where people could find happiness P04 47 among beauty and luxury. That was what Butterfly, the establishment P04 48 she had created above an exclusive men's clothing store on Rodeo P04 49 Drive, had been - a place where women could seek sexual fulfillment P04 50 in complete safety and anonymity, and in elegant surroundings. When P04 51 Beverly had discovered that she yearned to do that again, to offer P04 52 pleasure to people, she had searched for just the right place, and P04 53 she had found it at Star's Haven, high up the slopes of Mount San P04 54 Jacinto.

P04 55 The heart of Star's Haven was a huge gray stone estate house, P04 56 built like a castle, with turrets and towers and battlements, and P04 57 even a drawbridge - a romantic setting plucked right out of P04 58 medieval England. Built by the silent-movie queen Marion Star, it P04 59 was a replica of the set used in one of her movies, Robin P04 60 Hood. It had stood boarded up for many years after her death, P04 61 but had come onto the marked a few years ago. Now the P04 62 forty-two-room mansion was called the Castle, and here Beverly had P04 63 her executive offices. The resort's main restaurants, ballroom, P04 64 cocktail lounges, boutiques, and private clinic were also located P04 65 here, as well as luxury suites for the guests, including four tower P04 66 apartments that were accessible only by private key-operated P04 67 elevators. Everything had been going well; the resort was a big P04 68 success, Beverly had kept her old identity a secret, her past P04 69 completely unknown. And then this Otis Quinn had decided to exploit P04 70 the story of Danny Mackay and Beverly Highland and conduct his P04 71 so-called investigation.

P04 72 She stared at the book. Although the word butterfly was in P04 73 the title, Beverly regarded it as if it were a deadly spider. The P04 74 pages were filled mostly with speculation. Quinn hadn't really been P04 75 able to prove anything; he hadn't found any hard evidence linking P04 76 Beverly to the brothel on Rodeo Drive. He claimed to have P04 77 interviewed women who had patronized the rooms above Fanelli's, P04 78 having sexual liaisons with the men who worked at the place - P04 79 'companions' they had been called - who had performed a variety of P04 80 sexual acts for money. But Quinn hadn't named any of the women he P04 81 had supposedly interviewed, claiming that they all insisted that P04 82 their identities be kept a secret, and so Beverly believed he had P04 83 made the stories up. Nonetheless, the book was sensational enough P04 84 to keep it on the best-seller lists for months. Everywhere Beverly P04 85 turned, it seemed, the black and white cover with its pink P04 86 butterfly was there to mock her. And bring back memories from years P04 87 ago...

P04 88 Young Rachel Dwyer, ten years old, finding a photograph of her P04 89 mother with two babies in her arms. "Who was the other P04 90 baby, Mama?" she had asked, and Naomi Dwyer had said, P04 91 "Your twin sister. She died shortly after you were P04 92 born."

P04 93 And then Rachel, fourteen years old, all alone while a fierce P04 94 New Mexico storm battered the old trailer the Dwyers lived in. Her P04 95 father coming home drunk, attacking her, inflicting a pain on her P04 96 body that she hadn't thought possible, and shouting, "We P04 97 got rid of the wrong one!"

P04 98 Later that night, Rachel getting ready to run away, asking her P04 99 mother what her father had meant by "the wrong P04 100 one," and her mother explaining: "Honey, when I was P04 101 in the hospital to have you and your sister, we were broke. We P04 102 didn't have a dime. There was a depression on, and there we were P04 103 with twin babies and no money to pay the hospital bills. So when a P04 104 man came to the hospital and said he new of a nice couple who would P04 105 pay us a thousand dollars for one of our babies..."

P04 106 Beverly closed her eyes against the memory. She turned away and P04 107 looked out the window again at the dark December night. She could P04 108 make out the lights in the valley below, the sparkling spread of P04 109 Palm Springs - fabled playground of the super rich, home to three P04 110 former U.S. presidents, where it was said there were more golf P04 111 courses than anywhere else in the world and more plastic surgeons P04 112 per capita than any other city. A place where streets were named P04 113 Bob Hope Drive and Frank Sinatra Drive; a desert oasis P04 114 affectionately known as the Backyard of Beverly Hills.

P04 115 And Beverly Burgess - once Beverly Highland, once Rachel Dwyer P04 116 - was eight thousand feet above above<&|>sic it all.

P04 117 Beside the window, which was narrow and deeply recessed like P04 118 the window of a medieval castle, photographs hung on the wall. P04 119 There was one small one, in a silver frame, black and white but P04 120 yellowing with age. It had been taken in 1938 and it showed a young P04 121 woman in a hospital bed with a baby cradled in each arm. One of P04 122 those babies was Beverly. The other was the twin sister her parents P04 123 had sold, who had been given the name Christine Singleton, and whom P04 124 Beverly, after many years of searching, had ultimately not been P04 125 able to find.

P04 126 She couldn't help herself; she was drawn back to the hateful P04 127 book on her desk.

P04 128 Beverly had been shocked when she had first seen Butterfly P04 129 Exposed in a bookstore. She had thought it a coincidence that P04 130 the book should be named for the operation she had established P04 131 above Fanelli's. And then she had thumbed through it and, in shock, P04 132 purchased it. One night's reading had brought back all the old P04 133 nightmares: Danny Mackay befriending a frightened fourteen-year-old P04 134 runaway, gaining her trust, telling her he loved her, and then P04 135 installing her in a cheap whorehouse in San Antonio. And Rachel, P04 136 terrified and homesick, unable to service Hazel's customers, P04 137 wishing that Danny would take her away from it all, and Danny P04 138 coming back and sweet-talking her into performing sex with strange P04 139 men. "Just lay back, darlin'," he had said, P04 140 "and imagine it's me who's doin' it to you."

P04 141 And then, when she was sixteen and she thought they were going P04 142 to get married, Danny taking her to a back-alley abortionist and P04 143 forcing her to kill her baby. She had begged and pleaded with him, P04 144 and afterward he had kicked her out of his car, telling her she was P04 145 ugly, and that he had never loved her, and that she was to remember P04 146 his name, because he was a man who was going places. Danny Mackay, P04 147 he had said. Remember that name.

P04 148 And remembered it she had, almost to the exclusion of all else. P04 149 The rest of Beverly's life had been a quest for the perfect revenge P04 150 against Danny Mackay, and when it had finally come, three and a P04 151 half years ago, she had thought that their secret, twisted story P04 152 had come to an end at last.

P04 153 But now there was this journalist, making up lies and P04 154 outrageous speculations about the relationship between the wealthy P04 155 socialite Beverly Highland and the Reverend Danny Mackay, who had P04 156 controlled a multy-billion-dollar TV ministry and who had been one P04 157 step away from the Oval Office. Everyone in the country, Beverly P04 158 knew, was either reading Butterfly Exposed or talking P04 159 about it. And she had heard that a TV miniseries was in the P04 160 making.

P04 161 But something even worse than that had happened.

P04 162 Otis Quinn had declared during a TV interview that he believed P04 163 Beverly Highland, who was supposed to have died in a car accident P04 164 the night she had destroyed Danny Mackay, the woman who was in fact P04 165 responsible for Mackay's death by suicide in the L.A. County Jail, P04 166 was still alive. And he claimed to have found her.

P04 167 And now, Otis Quinn was coming to Star's.

P04 168 Beverly was brought out of her thoughts by a discreet knock at P04 169 the door. She looked at her watch. It would be Simon Jung, her P04 170 general manager, making his daily report.

P04 171 "Come in," she said.

P04 172 Simon Jung, Swiss born and educated, was a smoothly handsome P04 173 man in his late fifties, impeccably trim and tailored, whom Beverly P04 174 had met in Rio de Janeiro at the swank Amanha Restaurant. Simon had P04 175 an impressive background of over thirty years of hotel management P04 176 experience, having worked in only the finest establishments around P04 177 the world. There was nothing he didn't know, it seemed to Beverly, P04 178 about human nature and pleasing guests, and he was the one person P04 179 in all the world she felt she could trust.

P04 180 But even Simon didn't know about her past, that she was the P04 181 Beverly Highland whom Otis Quinn had written about in P04 182 Butterfly Exposed.

P04 183 "Good evening, Beverly," he said as he closed P04 184 the door quietly behind himself.

P04 185 As always, the sight of Simon in the Armani or Pierre Cardin P04 186 suit that had been made just for him caused an unwanted reaction P04 187 deep inside her. Beverly had sworn off men long ago - except for P04 188 her brief interval with young Jamie. In her travels, when she had P04 189 stayed at such exclusive places as the Mount Kenya Safari Club in P04 190 East Africa, Raffles in Singapore, the H<*_>o-circ<*/>tel du Cap on P04 191 the Riviera, and she had met such handsome and impeccable men as P04 192 Simon, she had been immune. They didn't move her.

P04 193 But somehow, during her two and a half years of working with P04 194 Simon in a strictly professional relationship, making Star's a P04 195 place for the best people to come to, Beverly had found her P04 196 defenses starting to crumble. P04 197 P05 1 <#FROWN:P05\>Tragedy and great sorrow, I thought, make us grow P05 2 older very quickly.

P05 3 Gavin, Edwina and Granddaddy Longchamp arrived late in the P05 4 evening. Uncle Philip had them put up in one of the guest houses we P05 5 used when the hotel became overbooked. One look at Granddaddy P05 6 Longchamp's face was enough to tell me how much the tragedy had P05 7 crushed and overwhelmed him. In one fell swoop, he had lost his son P05 8 and the young woman he had always considered his daughter. He P05 9 looked years older, the lines in his face sharply deeper, his eyes P05 10 darker and his skin paler. He moved slowly and spoke very little. P05 11 Edwina and I hugged and cried, and then Gavin and I had a chance to P05 12 be alone.

P05 13 "Where's Fern?" Gavin asked.

P05 14 "No one seems to know," I said.

P05 15 "She should have been the first one here to help you P05 16 with Jefferson," Gavin said angrily.

P05 17 "Maybe it's better she's not. She's never been much P05 18 help to anyone but herself," I said. "Maybe she's P05 19 feeling bad that she and Daddy had such a terrible argument the P05 20 last time she saw him."

P05 21 "Not Fern," Gavin concluded. We stared at each P05 22 other. We had just naturally wandered away from everyone and found P05 23 ourselves in the den. Mommy and Daddy often used it as a second P05 24 office. There was a large cherrywood desk and chair, walls of P05 25 bookcases, a big grandfather's clock and a ruby leather settee. P05 26 Gavin gazed at the family pictures on the desk and shelves and at P05 27 the framed letters of commendation Mommy had received for her P05 28 performances at Sarah Bernhardt.

P05 29 "She was so proud of those," I said. He nodded. P05 30 "I can't believe it," he said without turning to P05 31 me. "I keep thinking I'm going to wake up soon."

P05 32 "Me too."

P05 33 "She was more than a sister-in-law to me. She was a P05 34 sister," he said. "And I always wanted to be like P05 35 Jimmy."

P05 36 "You will be, Gavin. He was very proud of you and never P05 37 stopped bragging about you and how well you do in P05 38 school."

P05 39 "Why did this happen? Why?" he demanded. Tears P05 40 flooded my eyes and my lips began to tremble. "Oh, I'm P05 41 sorry," he said, quickly coming to me. "I should be P05 42 thinking of what you're going through and not be so concerned about P05 43 myself." He embraced me and I pressed my face against his P05 44 chest.

P05 45 "What are you two doing in here?" Aunt Bet P05 46 demanded. She was standing in the doorway, her eyes wide with P05 47 surprise. I lifted my head slowly from Gavin and wiped my eyes.

P05 48 "Nothing," I said.

P05 49 "You shouldn't be alone here with everyone gathered in P05 50 the living room," she said, gazing from Gavin to me and P05 51 then to Gavin. "It's not ... proper," she added. P05 52 "And besides, Jefferson's not behaving. You had better P05 53 speak to him, Christie," she said.

P05 54 "What's he doing?"

P05 55 "He won't sit still."

P05 56 "He's only nine years old, Aunt Bet, and he's just lost P05 57 his mother and father. We can't very well expect him to be as P05 58 perfect as Richard," I retorted. Her face flamed red.

P05 59 "Well, I ... I'm just trying to-"

P05 60 "I'll see to him," I said quickly and took P05 61 Gavin's hand. "I'm sorry," I said after we had P05 62 rushed past her. "I shouldn't have been so short with her, P05 63 but she's been taking over everything and bossing everyone around. P05 64 I just don't have the patience."

P05 65 "I understand," Gavin said. "I'll help P05 66 with Jefferson. Let's find him," he offered. Gavin was P05 67 wonderful with him, taking him up to his room and occupying him P05 68 with his games and toys.

P05 69 Aunt Fern didn't arrive until the morning of the funeral. She P05 70 appeared with one of her boyfriends from college, a tall, P05 71 dark-haired young man. She introduced him only as Buzz. I couldn't P05 72 believe she had decided to bring a boyfriend to the funeral. She P05 73 behaved as if it were just another family affair. The whole time P05 74 she was at the house before we left for church, she an Buzz P05 75 remained aloof from the other mourners. A number of times I caught P05 76 them giggling in a corner. They both chain-smoked. I reminded her P05 77 that Mommy hated people smoking in the house.

P05 78 "Look. Buzz and I are not going to be here that long, P05 79 princess, so don't lay all the heavy rules on me, okay? The fruit P05 80 doesn't fall far from the tree," she told Buzz, who smiled P05 81 and nodded at me.

P05 82 "Well, where are you going?" I asked.

P05 83 "Back to school for a while. I don't know. I'm P05 84 beginning to grow bored with the schedules and the P05 85 homework," she said. Buzz laughed.

P05 86 "Daddy wanted you to graduate from college," I P05 87 said.

P05 88 "My brother wanted to live my life for me," she P05 89 said dryly. "Don't remind me. Well, he's gone now and I P05 90 can't keep worrying about what other people want me to do. I've got P05 91 to do what I want to do."

P05 92 "But what will you do?" I asked.

P05 93 "Don't worry about it," she whined. "I P05 94 won't be coming around here that often, especially since Philip and P05 95 his brood have taken over the place," she said.

P05 96 They haven't taken over the place," I P05 97 insisted.

P05 98 "Oh, no? What do you call it: a temporary P05 99 situation?" she laughed.

P05 100 "Yes," I said.

P05 101 "Face reality, princess. You're too young to be on your P05 102 own. Philip and Betty will become your guardians. Well, I don't P05 103 intend for them to be mine. Cheer up," she added. P05 104 "In a few years, you can leave, too."

P05 105 "I won't leave my brother, ever."

P05 106 "Famous last words, right, Buzz?" He nodded and P05 107 smiled as if she had her fingers on his strings and he was only her P05 108 puppet.

P05 109 "I won't," I insisted. Aunt Fern could be so P05 110 infuriating. Now that Daddy was gone, there wouldn't be anyone to P05 111 watch over her and rescue her from the pools of trouble she usually P05 112 fell into, I thought. She doesn't know it now, but she's going to P05 113 miss him more than she ever dreamed. I left them as soon as I was P05 114 told Aunt Trisha had arrived.

P05 115 Aunt Trisha had begun her Broadway show and despite her great P05 116 sorrow, had to perform. I didn't blame her; I knew the show must go P05 117 on. Mommy always talked about the sacrifices people made when they P05 118 became professional entertainers. But Aunt Trisha and I had time to P05 119 cry together and console each other. Jefferson was happy to see her P05 120 too, and rushed into her arms. She remained at our side from that P05 121 moment until the end, when she had to leave to get back to New P05 122 York.

P05 123 The limousine led the line of traffic to the church. The thick P05 124 gray sky was appropriate. I could just hear Daddy saying, P05 125 "Oh, no, the weather's going to make her even sadder P05 126 still." The hearse had been parked on the side by the time P05 127 we arrived. The church was overflowing with mourners. Bronson had P05 128 Grandmother Laura sitting up front. She wore an elegant black dress P05 129 and a black hat and veil. I saw she had put on pounds of makeup and P05 130 had especially overdone the thickness of her lipstick. She seemed P05 131 in a daze, confused, but still smiled at everyone and nodded as we P05 132 filed in to take our places. Jefferson clung tightly to my hand and P05 133 sat so close to me that he was practically on my lap.

P05 134 As soon as the minister came out, the organ master stopped P05 135 playing. The minister led the mourners in prayer and read from the P05 136 Bible. Then he spoke lovingly and admiringly of Mommy and Daddy, P05 137 calling them the two brightest lights in our community, always P05 138 burning warmly and giving the rest of us reason to be hopeful and P05 139 happy. He was sure they were doing the same for all the souls in P05 140 Heaven.

P05 141 Jefferson listened wide-eyed, but neither of us could shift our P05 142 eyes off the two coffins for long. It still seemed unreal and P05 143 impossible to believe that Mommy and Daddy were lying in them. When P05 144 I turned to leave after the church service, I saw that most people P05 145 had been crying, some quite hard.

P05 146 The funeral procession went directly to the cemetery. At the P05 147 site of their graves, Gavin held my hand and Aunt Trisha held P05 148 Jefferson. We stood like statues, the cold breeze lifting my hair P05 149 and making my tears feel like drops of ice on my cheeks. Just P05 150 before the coffins were to be lowered, I stepped forward to kiss P05 151 each one.

P05 152 "Good-bye, Daddy," I whispered. "Thank P05 153 you for loving me more than my real father could ever dream of P05 154 loving me. In my heart you will always be my real father." P05 155 I paused and had to swallow hard before I could continue.

P05 156 "Good-bye, Mommy. You're gone, but you will never be P05 157 far away from me."

P05 158 I gazed up at Uncle Philip who had come up beside me. He was P05 159 staring down at Mommy's coffin and the tears were streaming freely P05 160 down his face and dripping off his chin. He touched the coffin P05 161 softly and closed his eyes and then stepped back with me. The P05 162 coffins were lowered.

P05 163 I heard the sobbing. I wanted to comfort Jefferson, but I P05 164 couldn't stop my own tears. Gavin embraced me. Granddaddy Longchamp P05 165 had his head bowed and Edwina stood beside him, her arm around his P05 166 waist. Fern wasn't laughing anymore, but she wasn't crying either. P05 167 She looked tired and uncomfortable and her boyfriend looked P05 168 confused, probably wondering what he was doing here. Bronson had P05 169 managed to get Grandmother Laura back into her wheelchair and down P05 170 to the grave-site. I could see he was explaining things to P05 171 her and she was shaking her head, the realization of what had P05 172 happened maybe just settling in.

P05 173 "Come, everyone," Aunt Bet said, ushering P05 174 Richard and Melanie ahead of her. "Let's go P05 175 home."

P05 176 "Home?" I thought. How can it ever be home P05 177 without Mommy and Daddy there? It's just a shell of itself, a P05 178 memory, a house full of shadows and old echoes, a place where we P05 179 hang our clothes and lay down our heads, a place where we will eat P05 180 a thousand meals more quietly than we had ever eaten them, for gone P05 181 would be Daddy's laughter after he had just teased Mommy, gone was P05 182 her singing and her warm smile, gone was her kiss and soft embrace P05 183 to help keep the goblins and ghosts of our bad dreams from P05 184 lingering behind.

P05 185 The sky grew darker, the world was angry, and rightly so, I P05 186 thought. We stumbled away from the gravesites, past the other P05 187 deceased family, past the large monument for Grandmother Cutler. I P05 188 was certain Mommy wouldn't have to face her again, for she could P05 189 never be in Heaven.

P05 190 "Remember, children," Aunt Bet said when we got P05 191 back into the limousine. "Wipe your feet before you go into P05 192 the house."

P05 193 I looked up at her sharply and wondered if the nightmares had P05 194 really only just begun.

P05 195 Compromising P05 196 WITH UNCLE PHILIP SO DISTRAUGHT, AUNT BET HAD taken over the P05 197 management of the reception at our house after the funeral. Just P05 198 about everyone at the hotel was eager to do anything Aunt Bet P05 199 wanted. Mr. Nussbaum and Leon cooked and baked what she thought was P05 200 appropriate. They worked in the house under her supervision. She P05 201 asked Buster Morris and other grounds people to bring over tables P05 202 and benches and set them up on the front lawn. We knew there would P05 203 be mobs of people coming to pay their last respects and console the P05 204 family. Neither Jefferson nor I were in any mood to greet people, P05 205 even people who sincerely wanted to show their love and sympathy; P05 206 but I knew it was something we had to do, and anyway, Aunt Bet made P05 207 sure to assign us our roles and position in the house.

P05 208 "You and Jefferson will sit there, dear," she P05 209 said, pointing to the sofa in the living room. "Melanie and P05 210 Richard will sit beside you, of course, and I'll bring people to P05 211 meet you."

P05 212 "I don't want to meet people," Jefferson said, P05 213 a little plaintively.

P05 214 P06 1 <#FROWN:P06\>"Call it off," Sylvia the woman P06 2 says in a harsh whisper. "Please!"

P06 3 "Sylvia?" Harry says. There is nothing he can do. He P06 4 only looks on as the woman opens the door slowly and steps back P06 5 into the hall. But before she can get the door closed again, the P06 6 dog bolts after her. She screams and runs toward the stairs with P06 7 the dog snapping at her spiked heels. He knows that he will not see P06 8 either of them again.

P06 9 He closes the door after them and turns the lock. Then Harry P06 10 goes to the kitchen to get himself a beer.

P06 11 At the Supermarket

P06 12 "I don't see the difference."

P06 13 Sylvia puts her hands on her hips and looks at him sideways. P06 14 Harry hates it when she does that.

P06 15 "The difference is," she says, "that I P06 16 always buy Hellman's."

P06 17 He takes the jar of mayonnaise out of the shopping cart and P06 18 weighs it in his hand. "As far as I can see," he P06 19 says, "the difference is that the store brand costs half a P06 20 buck less than this one."

P06 21 Sylvia speaks very slowly, spelling out the words in a harsh P06 22 whisper. "I ... always ... buy ... Hellman's." P06 23 She's really angry.

P06 24 Harry is, too. She isn't making sense. "But if the P06 25 store brand is cheaper ...."

P06 26 She sighs. Harry knew she was going to do that. She always P06 27 sighs when they have an argument. He hates that, too. "Do P06 28 you know why you're upset?" she asks him.

P06 29 "I'm not upset."

P06 30 "Do you know why you're upset? You don't want to be P06 31 here."

P06 32 "I'm not upset. I'm just talking about P06 33 mayonnaise."

P06 34 She sighs again. "It's got nothing to do with P06 35 mayonnaise. It's about football, and you know it."

P06 36 Harry can see the clock above the checkout lanes in front. It's P06 37 a couple of minutes into the first quarter. She promised they'd be P06 38 back in time for the kickoff. If he were at home right now, he'd be P06 39 sitting in front of the TV with a beer in his hand and a bag of P06 40 cheese balls on his lap.

P06 41 With a series of dramatic gestures, Sylvia puts the Hellman's P06 42 back on the shelf, picks up a jar of the store brand, and pops it P06 43 into the cart. Then she glares at him. That will teach him a lesson P06 44 he'll never forget.

P06 45 "We forgot my cheese balls," he says.

P06 46 Sylvia doesn't reply.

P06 47 He tries again. "We went past the snack aisle and P06 48 forgot the cheese balls."

P06 49 She sighs for a third time. "So go get them," P06 50 she says.

P06 51 "I'll catch up with you in a minute," he says, P06 52 hurrying away down the aisle. He knows Sylvia is glad to be rid of P06 53 him.

P06 54 The place is really crowded. Harry weaves his way in and around P06 55 the shopping carts. Everybody shops on Sunday afternoon, it seems. P06 56 Almost all the shoppers are women, of course. The guys are at home, P06 57 watching the game.

P06 58 Now, while he's wandering through the store looking for the P06 59 snack aisle - and it's around here someplace, because they went P06 60 past it just a minute ago - he knows that Sylvia is pushing her P06 61 shopping cart through the crowd and mumbling to herself. She always P06 62 mumbles to herself when they've had a bit of a disagreement. Right P06 63 now, she's mumbling about how she can never ask him to do the least P06 64 little thing to help out, how he never lifts a finger to keep their P06 65 place clean, how he won't even empty an ashtray, how he can't give P06 66 up a few minutes of his precious football game just to make sure P06 67 they've got some food in the house, for Christ's sake. He's heard P06 68 it a million times before.

P06 69 He still can't find the snacks. Harry hasn't been in this P06 70 supermarket for a long time, but he remembers that the potato P06 71 chips, the pretzels, the cheese balls and all that stuff always P06 72 used to be right next to the beer. The problem is, he can't find P06 73 the beer either.

P06 74 As it turns out, the snacks are now with the picnic stuff, P06 75 paper plates and cups, plastic forks, and Styrofoam coolers, right P06 76 next to the magazine rack. Harry picks up two bags of cheese balls P06 77 - one for what's left of today's game, another for the game P06 78 tomorrow night - then spends a few minutes at the magazine stand, P06 79 thumbing through the current issue of Sports Illustrated. P06 80 But he's just wasting time and he knows it. He's got to catch up to P06 81 Sylvia and help her finish the shopping if he wants to get home P06 82 before halftime.

P06 83 Clutching his cheese balls, Harry heads for the dairy case at P06 84 the far end of the store where he knows Sylvia has to stop P06 85 eventually for eggs and milk. On his way, he looks down each aisle, P06 86 but he doesn't see her. She might be there picking up coffee or P06 87 Jell-O or Spaghetti O's, but he can't spot her in the crowd of P06 88 shoppers and carts. He tries to remember what she was wearing. That P06 89 white dress with the flowers all over it? The green blouse and P06 90 jeans?

P06 91 She isn't at the dairy case, but he waits there for awhile, P06 92 comparing prices, looking at the more exotic cheeses. Suddenly he's P06 93 hungry for a grilled Velveeta sandwich. If he were home right now P06 94 .... But of course he's not at home. He's in the supermarket. P06 95 Harry's getting angry all over again. Where the hell is she anyway? P06 96 The thing that drives him crazy about her, the reason he never P06 97 wants to help with the grocery shopping, is that she just takes her P06 98 own sweet time about it. The thing of it is, she makes a list P06 99 before she goes, and if she just picked up the stuff she needed, P06 100 she'd be done in half an hour. But no, she's got to go up and down P06 101 every aisle, look at every can and package, squeeze every tomato, P06 102 and she picks up all kinds of crazy stuff - artichoke hearts, P06 103 yogurt, salsa sauce, pita bread, stuff that isn't on the list and P06 104 that nobody would ever eat anyway. So right now, while he's waiting P06 105 to get out of there, she could be anywhere in the store - in the P06 106 deli department, in bulk foods, looking at the greeting cards, you P06 107 name it.

P06 108 Harry is going to have to find her and get her moving if he P06 109 wants to see any of that game. This time, though, he decides to P06 110 conduct his search more systematically. Harry, still carrying his P06 111 bags of cheese balls, makes his way up and down every aisle. It P06 112 isn't easy. Now the store seems to be even more crowded than P06 113 before. The whole town must be here - little old ladies, college P06 114 kids, retired guys in lime-green golf trousers, young professionals P06 115 who are overdressed for the occasion, all pushing shopping carts P06 116 full of goodies. The fact that Harry doesn't have a cart of his own P06 117 is a real advantage - he's got a lot more mobility than his fellow P06 118 shoppers. But it's still tough going. There's an incredible traffic P06 119 jam in the coffee aisle, and in condiments two women are arguing P06 120 over the last jar of Vlasic Dills.

P06 121 Even so, Harry manages to cover every inch of the supermarket - P06 122 from canned meats to packaged dinners, from produce to the bakery P06 123 section. Then he backtracks up and down the aisles again, this time P06 124 more slowly. He looks at every woman who even vaguely resembles P06 125 Sylvia. But he doesn't find her. The only way Harry can figure it P06 126 is that, just by dumb luck, no matter where he's been looking, P06 127 Sylvia has just happened to be somewhere else. He knows she's P06 128 around here someplace, but, for the life of him, he can't figure P06 129 out where. Sylvia is lost.

P06 130 Well, actually, Harry is the one who's lost. This is Sylvia's P06 131 turf, not his, and she knows exactly what she's doing and where P06 132 she's going. Now, standing in the frozen goods section near the ice P06 133 cream and looking around helplessly, Harry feels a bit like a P06 134 little kid who's lost track of his mom. Should he go find the P06 135 manager and have Sylvia paged over the store's speaker system? No, P06 136 that would be too embarrassing. He'd never live it down. To tell P06 137 the truth, the whole situation is kind of funny, and just the P06 138 thought of hearing Sylvia's name booming over the PA system and P06 139 interrupting the Muzak makes him laugh out loud.

P06 140 An elderly woman who's picking through the Sealtest in search P06 141 of her favorite flavor gives him a dirty look. Embarrassed, Harry P06 142 turns away and scurries off to the next aisle. Now that he thinks P06 143 about it, the situation really isn't funny after all. He's still P06 144 missing the football game, and now he wants to get out of that P06 145 supermarket more than ever. He just wants to be home in front of P06 146 the tube with his feet propped up on the coffee table, munching his P06 147 cheese balls while Sylvia fixes Tuna Helper for dinner.

P06 148 He goes through the store once again, this time very slowly, P06 149 department by department. Harry even goes through aisles where P06 150 Sylvia would have no reason to be - hardware, baby food, pet P06 151 supplies. He covers every inch of the place, but he doesn't find P06 152 her. This is getting out of hand. Harry stops in frozen foods again P06 153 for a free sample of pepperoni pizza and tries to think things P06 154 through. It's possible, of course, that for some reason she left P06 155 the store, and she simply isn't there anymore. Maybe she forgot P06 156 that he came along with her. After all, she usually does the P06 157 shopping on her own. Maybe her mind was on other things, and she P06 158 just finished getting the stuff on the list, went through the P06 159 checkout line, then headed home without giving him another thought. P06 160 Sylvia isn't usually absentminded, but, well, it could have P06 161 happened that way.

P06 162 Harry has another piece of pizza then goes back to the water P06 163 cooler in produce to get a drink. Sylvia's probably at home by now. P06 164 The minute she walked into the house and saw that he wasn't there P06 165 in front of the TV, she remembered. She must really feel like a P06 166 jerk now, leaving him behind like that. Of course, she can't come P06 167 back for him right away. She has to unload the car and put the P06 168 groceries in the refrigerator first. If she doesn't, the ice cream P06 169 and the TV dinners will defrost. So he'll just have to wait it out P06 170 at the supermarket until she can come for him. He has no choice.

P06 171 Well, it isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to him, but P06 172 he doesn't like the idea that Sylvia just forgot about him that P06 173 way. By this evening, he'll probably laugh about it, but right now P06 174 it makes him a little angry. He'd never do that to her, you can be P06 175 sure of that.

P06 176 He decides he'd better pay for his cheese balls, then wait for P06 177 Sylvia out in front, so he starts making his way toward the P06 178 checkout lines. The crowd hasn't thinned out any. There are people P06 179 with shopping carts everywhere. Harry is passing through condiments P06 180 when it occurs to him that maybe she didn't forget about him after P06 181 all. Maybe she left him behind on purpose.

P06 182 She was angry about the mayonnaise. Maybe she was so angry that P06 183 she just stormed out of the supermarket, got into the car, and took P06 184 off without him. Right now she's at home or just driving around P06 185 town, still steaming mad. Probably when she cools down, she'll come P06 186 back for him. But God knows how long that will take.

P06 187 Maybe she won't come back at all. Maybe she's left him for P06 188 good. Harry can picture their little red Toyota zipping along the P06 189 interstate with Sylvia at the wheel. She's free now, free of him P06 190 and his damned cheese balls and his store brand mayonnaise. She P06 191 doesn't know where she's going and she doesn't care. She's on her P06 192 own. And Harry? He can stay there in the supermarket forever, P06 193 living on free samples or eating cheese balls until he explodes.

P06 194 P06 195 P06 196 P07 1 <#FROWN:P07\>CHAPTER FOUR

P07 2 A charged silence filled the living room after the door closed P07 3 behind Katy. Luke was aware of a curious sense of satisfaction. It P07 4 wasn't easy winning battles with guardian angles. Virtue always had P07 5 an unfair advantage.

P07 6 He almost smiled as he listened intently to the sound of Katy's P07 7 footsteps retreating into the distance. He had her now. She was all P07 8 his for the next six months. It was a heady thought, even though he P07 9 was not at all certain just what he would do with her.

P07 10 "You upset her," Justine said after a P07 11 moment.

P07 12 "Did I?"

P07 13 "Yes. She's normally very calm. Quite unflappable. P07 14 She's also extraordinarily cheerful most of the time." P07 15 Justine frowned thoughtfully as she picked up her cup of tea. P07 16 "I've often wondered how she does it. It doesn't seem P07 17 quite natural somehow. Nevertheless, she's rather a delight to have P07 18 around, actually."

P07 19 "Is that why you've kept her? Because she amuses P07 20 you?"

P07 21 Justine did not take offense. "On the contrary, I P07 22 believe it is she who finds us Gilchrists amusing. When she's not P07 23 exasperated with us, that is. She needed a job. I gave her one. P07 24 It's been a mutually beneficial arrangement. I don't know what I P07 25 would have done without her, especially these past two P07 26 years."

P07 27 "I know she's Richard Quinnell's P07 28 granddaughter." Luke moved back to the window.

P07 29 "Yes. She's Richard's granddaughter. The resemblance is P07 30 unmistakable. She got that brilliant red hair and those deep blue P07 31 eyes from him. Her mother looked just like her at that P07 32 age."

P07 33 Luke frowned. "Justine ..."

P07 34 "I'll never forget that day at the church when we all P07 35 finally realized your father was not going to show up. Most brides P07 36 would have collapsed in humiliation. Deborah Quinnell was so very P07 37 brave about it all. She and her father insisted that everyone P07 38 attend the reception. Richard said that as long as he'd paid for P07 39 the food, someone was going to damn well eat it."

P07 40 "Justine, let's get something straight. If this new P07 41 association of ours is going to have a chance of working, there P07 42 will have to be some ground rules. Number one is that we don't talk P07 43 about the past. You and I are on opposite sides in that old war, P07 44 and unless you want to refight it, I suggest you don't mention P07 45 it."

P07 46 Justine's mouth thinned. "I'm sure you're right. A very P07 47 logical decision. But you can't blame me for wanting you to P07 48 understand that there were two sides in the feud between your P07 49 father and the rest of us. We were the ones who had to face the P07 50 Quinnells that day at the church."

P07 51 "And you were the one who called off the merger between P07 52 Quinnell and Gilchrist right after the wedding. You had made a P07 53 deal, and you backed out of it."

P07 54 Justine's expression was suddenly stark. "I had to call P07 55 it off. Without the marriage there was no real link except that of P07 56 business between the two families. Who knew what would happen when P07 57 Richard's daughter married someone else, as she eventually did? I P07 58 couldn't risk having everything I'd worked for eventually falling P07 59 into the hands of outsiders. Surely you can understand P07 60 that."

P07 61 "Yeah, I understand," Luke said. Because he P07 62 did. If he had been in Justine's shoes, he would have called off P07 63 the merger, too. It was a sobering thought. He did not like the P07 64 idea of empathizing with Justine in any way. His loyalties lay P07 65 elsewhere.

P07 66 "Your father ruined everything when he ran off with P07 67 your mother," Justine snapped, her voice growing stronger P07 68 as she sensed a small victory.

P07 69 Luke smiled wryly. "Given that I wouldn't be here if he P07 70 hadn't fallen in love with her, I'm sure you can understand that I P07 71 have a slightly different view of the situation. Look, Justine, P07 72 there are always two sides to a story. But in my case there's no P07 73 question about which side I'm on. Don't waste your time trying to P07 74 influence me with propaganda for the other side."

P07 75 Justine almost smiled. "Katy has frequently pointed out P07 76 to me that we Gilchrists tend to see things in overly simplistic P07 77 terms - black and white. She claims we have a problem with the gray P07 78 areas of life."

P07 79 "I don't have a problem with them."

P07 80 Justine nodded."Because you don't even see them. I P07 81 know. I've been that way most of my life." She paused. P07 82 "Katy sees them, you know."

P07 83 "People who deal in shades of gray get bogged down in P07 84 sentiment and indecisiveness."

P07 85 "Oh, my," Justine murmured. "It's going P07 86 to be interesting watching you and Katy interact."

P07 87 Luke shrugged. "Katy and I will get along just fine so P07 88 long as she remembers I'm the boss. In the meantime, you and I P07 89 don't talk about the past. Agreed?"

P07 90 "Agreed." Justine put down her teacup. "I'm too P07 91 grateful to have you here at last to risk arguing with you. I must P07 92 say, however, that I find it ironic that it's Richard Quinnell's P07 93 granddaughter who has achieved the impossible by getting you P07 94 here."

P07 95 Luke narrowed his eyes. "You think I'm here because of P07 96 Katy?"

P07 97 "Aren't you?"

P07 98 Damned if he was going to admit anything to the old witch. The P07 99 truth was, he was not altogether sure why he had come to Dragon P07 100 Bay. "I'm here because the Pacific Rim restaurant is a ripe P07 101 plum. As a businessman, I can't bring myself to pass up such easy P07 102 pickings." It was partially true. He certainly intended to P07 103 take the restaurant when this was over.

P07 104 "Katy Wade is a ripe plum, too," Justine said P07 105 quietly. "I think you should know that she's been living an P07 106 almost cloistered existence for the past several years."

P07 107 Luke smiled grimly. "That figures. It goes with the P07 108 wings and halo."

P07 109 "It's because of her brother," Justine said P07 110 coolly. "The fact that she comes with a teenager as part of P07 111 the package has put off most males. Her social life has been far P07 112 too limited for a young woman of her age."

P07 113 Luke studied the fog. "My social life has been a little P07 114 limited lately, too. Just what the hell are you trying to say, P07 115 Justine?"

P07 116 "Her brother will graduate from high school in another P07 117 month. Then he'll be off to college, and Katy will be on her own P07 118 for the first time in her life. She has a right to make up for some P07 119 of what she's missed out on during the past few years, and I P07 120 believe she intends to do so."

P07 121 Luke hesitated. "She said something about business P07 122 plans she wants to pursue."

P07 123 "Yes. She yearns to open her own small business. A P07 124 rather na<*_>i-trema<*/>ve dream, I admit. I am, however, P07 125 encouraging her to sample some of the other aspects of the freedom P07 126 she has hungered for in recent years."

P07 127 Luke arched one brow. "You think she should rush out P07 128 and have a few passionate affairs?"

P07 129 Justine inclined her head. "Don't be crude. Perhaps one P07 130 or two interesting relationships, yes. I would like her to P07 131 experience some genuine passion in her life. She is, after all, an P07 132 attractive young woman. I fear, however, that because she has had P07 133 to postpone so much for so long, she is rather more vulnerable than P07 134 other, more experienced young women are at her age. I do not want P07 135 her hurt."

P07 136 Luke looked at Justine. "Are you warning me off, by any P07 137 chance?"

P07 138 "Yes, I suppose I am." Justine's gaze was P07 139 unreadable. "There was a man a year ago. Nate Atwood. He P07 140 was dating Katy when he met Eden. He dropped Katy to marry my P07 141 granddaughter."

P07 142 "Atwood is the name of the man Eden divorced six months P07 143 ago?"

P07 144 "Yes." Justine pursed her lips in fierce disapproval. P07 145 "I fear he used Katy to get close to the family. His real P07 146 goal was Eden. He wanted to marry a Gilchrist, you see. Thought he P07 147 could worm his way into a position of control at Gilchrist, Inc. He P07 148 is no longer a problem, but I do not want to see Katy hurt P07 149 again."

P07 150 "I'll keep that in mind. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm P07 151 going to go upstairs and start letting everyone know who's running P07 152 Gilchrist, Inc. these days."

P07 153 Justine sat forward with sudden urgency. "Luke."

P07 154 "Yes?"

P07 155 "I am not entirely certain why you have come here. But P07 156 I want you to know I am grateful."

P07 157 "Maybe you'd better wait and see how it all works out P07 158 before you decide whether or not to be grateful."

P07 159 Justine eyed him closely. "I think it is you who isn't P07 160 certain how it's going to work out. By the way, you will be needing P07 161 a place to live. Have you given the matter any P07 162 thought?"

P07 163 "If you're about to offer me a room here in the P07 164 mansion, forget it. I'll find myself something."

P07 165 "There are several cottages along the cliffs not far P07 166 from here. Katy and her brother live in one. I'm sure you can rent P07 167 one if you like."

P07 168 Luke considered the suggestion, aware that he was being pulled P07 169 more deeply into some invisible web. On the other hand, he needed a P07 170 place to live until he had sorted out Gilchrist, Inc. And he wanted P07 171 to be near Katy. "All right."

P07 172 He walked out of the room, ignoring the tight-lipped P07 173 housekeeper. He let himself out of Justine's private suite. In the P07 174 hall he took the stairs to the second floor and strode down the P07 175 south wing corridor to a door that stood open.

P07 176 The woman at the desk looked up quickly from a book she was P07 177 reading when he appeared in the doorway. The nameplate in front of P07 178 her read Liz Bartlett.

P07 179 "May I help you?" She peered at him through a P07 180 pair of oversized glasses.

P07 181 "I'm looking for Katy Wade," Luke said.

P07 182 Liz's eyes widened behind her glasses as she put down her book. P07 183 "Yes, sir. You must be Mr. Gilchrist. I'll let her know P07 184 you're here. She's with Mr. Stanfield." She reached for the P07 185 intercom.

P07 186 "Never mind," Luke said. "I'll announce P07 187 myself."

P07 188 "But Mr. Gilchrist -"

P07 189 "It's all right. She works for me now."

P07 190 He went to the inner door and opened it without knocking. Katy P07 191 was standing next to a man a the window. The two were huddled in an P07 192 obviously intense conversation.

P07 193 The pair sprang apart with guilty haste as the door opened. P07 194 Katy spun around and glowered at Luke. The man narrowed his eyes P07 195 briefly and then smiled and stuck out his hand.

P07 196 "Luke Gilchrist? Welcome to Gilchrist, Inc. I'm Fraser P07 197 Stanfield, your operations manager."

P07 198 Luke shook hands briefly. He found himself wondering if this P07 199 man was one of those who were waiting in line for Katy to be free P07 200 of her responsibilities to her brother. "Stanfield, you're P07 201 just the man I want to talk to this afternoon. I'm going to set up P07 202 an office here in the mansion."

P07 203 "Justine's old office is available next door," P07 204 Katy volunteered.

P07 205 Luke nodded, still watching Stanfield. "Be there at two P07 206 with a summary status report on the restaurants and on Gilchrist P07 207 Gourmet."

P07 208 Fraser's smile faded slightly. "Yes, sir."

P07 209 "I'll be going into headquarters on a regular basis. P07 210 Several times a week to start. Set up an office there for me, too, P07 211 will you?"

P07 212 "Sure. No problem."

P07 213 "Fine." Luke turned to Katy. "I'm going back to P07 214 Oregon tomorrow to pick up a few things. I'll drive back to Seattle P07 215 in the afternoon and spend the night there. I'll want to meet with P07 216 everyone at the restaurants and at Gilchrist Gourmet during the P07 217 afternoon, evening, and the following morning. Have Liz make P07 218 arrangements for me at a downtown hotel for tomorrow night, will P07 219 you?"

P07 220 Katy nodded quickly. She looked relieved. P07 221 "Certainly."

P07 222 Luke turned to leave and then paused. "By the way, I'll P07 223 need someone to look after my dog while I'm gone. I thought I might P07 224 leave him with you."

P07 225 Katy's eyes flickered with alarm. "Your dog? With me? I P07 226 don't think your dog likes me."

P07 227 "I'm sure the two of you will get along just P07 228 fine." Luke nodded to Fraser and walked out of the P07 229 office.

P07 230 The next morning Katy sat across from her brother at the P07 231 kitchen table and watched as Matt guzzled freshly squeezed orange P07 232 juice and downed vast quantities of the homemade muesli cereal Katy P07 233 had prepared. P07 234 P08 1 <#FROWN:P08\>Chapter One

P08 2 Sunrise was her favorite time of day. Rachel Hathaway stepped P08 3 onto the apartment's covered porch, noting that the weathered P08 4 boards could use a fresh coat of paint. The early-morning P08 5 sky was a pale blue, with a golden flush just beginning to tint the P08 6 far horizon. The humid air was warm, but without the heat that the P08 7 August sun would soon be spreading. From the vantage point of the P08 8 second floor, she gazed through the treetops, trying to catch sight P08 9 of the Gulf of Mexico just two blocks straight ahead. Inhaling P08 10 deeply, she caught the familiar salty scent of the sea.

P08 11 The railroad tracks, overgrown now, were still visible. Years P08 12 ago, the San Antonio Railroad had had daily runs along there. P08 13 Beyond were the huge ranches and a smattering of stately southern P08 14 homes. On the other side of the tracks - Rachel's side - were the P08 15 older, seedier houses always in need of repair.

P08 16 Moving to the far left, she leaned forward at the waist as far P08 17 as she dared. Rachel could just barely make out Main Street P08 18 stretching westward, the business district that nearly all of P08 19 Schyler's residents visited at some time each day. Typical of most P08 20 small Texas towns, the shops and public buildings were all P08 21 clustered along that thoroughfare, a hodgepodge like so many P08 22 colorful child's clocks arranged by an unskilled hand.

P08 23 The morning breeze rearranged her long hair, and Rachel brushed P08 24 it back from her face, her memory supplying what her eyes couldn't P08 25 quite make out along Main Street. On the near corner was Herb's Gas P08 26 Station, then the red brick library with the twin lion statues P08 27 flanking the double doors, and the post office with the flag flying P08 28 in front. Next to that was Edna's Diner with its long counter and P08 29 red vinyl booths, probably not open yet, but it would be by seven. P08 30 Then there was Hannah's Beauty Shop, the general store, the P08 31 newspaper office, and across Main, the rest of the stores, most of P08 32 which were owned by the powerful Quincy family - the Quincys who'd P08 33 forced her to leave town ten years ago.

P08 34 Turning, she saw that the old glider was still against the wall P08 35 sporting new yellow corduroy cushions. With a sigh, Rachel settled P08 36 onto the swing and pressed her bare feet to the floor to start the P08 37 gentle swaying. She couldn't help thinking she wouldn't mind having P08 38 a nickel for every time she'd sat here just like this. Sometimes P08 39 dreaming, often-times crying. Rarely happy.

P08 40 Around front she heard a car rumble down the road. Schyler was P08 41 waking slowly, as it usually did in town. On the large cattle P08 42 ranches, the hands had been up before the sun, she was certain. P08 43 Just as she was certain nothing much had changed in Schyler during P08 44 her absence.

P08 45 Rachel drew her legs onto the swing, crossing her arms atop her P08 46 bent knees. She'd slipped on terry-cloth shorts and a loose shirt P08 47 when she'd crawled out of the tangled sheets of her childhood bed. P08 48 She hadn't slept much, but then she'd known she wouldn't. She hated P08 49 being here, hated Schyler, Texas, hated the reason that had brought P08 50 her back to the town she'd vowed to never visit again.

P08 51 But she'd had no choice. Her mother needed her today more than P08 52 she ever had. Today they would bury Orrin Hathaway, her youngest P08 53 brother.

P08 54 She'd shed her tears two days ago when her mother had phoned P08 55 her in California. Tears for the sweet retarded boy who'd died of P08 56 pneumonia at age twenty-five. Orrin had never developed mentally P08 57 beyond eight or nine; perhaps this was merciful, for he alone of P08 58 all the Hathaways had never realized the scorn that Schyler had for P08 59 his family. For Orrin, she'd broken her self-imposed exile and come P08 60 back. And for her mother.

P08 61 Rachel lay her cheek on her arms and closed her eyes, fighting P08 62 a surge of emotion that threatened to have her weeping again. What P08 63 was she going to do about her mother?

P08 64 For all of Rachel's growing-up years, Gloria Hathaway had been P08 65 a pillar of strength. Abandoned by her husband, the father Rachel P08 66 scarcely remembered, Gloria had gone to work in the tavern, the P08 67 town's only 'beer garden and eatery,' as the sign above the door P08 68 boasted. Waitressing was hard work, but Gloria had managed in order P08 69 to keep her children together, for along with the job had come the P08 70 rental of the apartment above the tavern at an affordable rate.

P08 71 And Gloria was still here in this dingy apartment, Rachel P08 72 thought with dismay. Still waitressing, even though Bart Mitchell, P08 73 the bartender who'd hired her, had died a few years ago and shocked P08 74 everyone by leaving Gloria the saloon and building, such as they P08 75 were. And Gloria was still smoking even though she had emphysema so P08 76 severe that she had to sit on the top step after climbing the P08 77 stairs to her apartment. Still stubbornly refusing to leave P08 78 Schyler, where scarcely one of the Hathaways could remember having P08 79 a truly happy day.

P08 80 Why? Rachel asked herself as she gazed into the sky now bright P08 81 with the rising sun. Why wouldn't her mother move with her to P08 82 California now that Orrin was gone and her other son, Curt, was in P08 83 the Navy? There'd never been anything much for her here in this P08 84 nasty, unforgiving town, and there never would be.

P08 85 "No one's going to drive me out of my home," P08 86 Gloria had told her yesterday, when Rachel had flown in from P08 87 Bakersfield. Then she'd lighted another cigarette, inhaled deeply P08 88 and gone into a coughing fit that had turned her face a mottled P08 89 reddish color. Before Rachel could say another word, Gloria had P08 90 gone into her small bedroom to lie down, effectively calling a halt P08 91 to the conversation.

P08 92 Rachel ran both hands through her hair and let out a ragged P08 93 sigh. Worried about her mother, she had steeled herself and walked P08 94 down Main Street toward Doc Tremayne's tiny office located in a P08 95 two-story building on Barlow Road. Doc, a round-faced man with a P08 96 bent back and kind eyes, had delivered her twenty-seven years ago, P08 97 and she'd never known him to hedge. He'd told her the truth she's P08 98 feared, that her mother was very ill.

P08 99 Stunned, Rachel had walked back to Gloria's apartment above the P08 100 tavern, hardly aware of the surreptitious glances from behind the P08 101 windows of the stores and buildings she'd passed. Strangers and P08 102 prodigal daughters were treated the same in Schyler - with P08 103 suspicion. Rachel Hathaway's return had been duly noted the moment P08 104 she'd stepped foot over the county line.

P08 105 She could deal with Schyler's rejection, Rachel thought, rising P08 106 to go stand by the railing again. She had for years. But she wasn't P08 107 sure how to deal with the knowledge that her mother would soon be P08 108 gone.

P08 109 Gloria had always understood Rachel's reasons for leaving, for P08 110 not returning all these years. They'd kept in touch by phone and P08 111 mail, both unhappy that they couldn't be together but accepting the P08 112 way things were. Rachel had harbored the hope that one day things P08 113 would work out and she'd be able to convince Gloria and Orrin and P08 114 even Curt to join her in California, to forget Schyler and begin P08 115 life over. She'd known it would take time, but she hadn't once P08 116 considered the possibility that at forty-six, time would be running P08 117 out for Gloria.

P08 118 "There you are," Gloria Hathaway said from the P08 119 doorway.

P08 120 Turning, Rachel smiled at her mother. "I was watching P08 121 the sunrise. It was lovely."

P08 122 The inevitable cigarette in her hand, Gloria took a drag and P08 123 moved to the banister, her gaze taking in the morning sky. P08 124 "I remember. You used to come out here a lot when you were P08 125 little."

P08 126 She's aged, Rachel thought sadly. The blond hair that had been P08 127 long and thick like her own was thinner now, with strands of white P08 128 lightening the once-rich color. About two inches shorter than P08 129 Rachel's five-seven, Gloria still held herself erect, though her P08 130 shoulders slumped wearily when she thought no one was watching. Her P08 131 figure, always lush enough to invite admiring glances and more P08 132 offers to share her bed than Gloria could count, was still good. P08 133 But her skin had a sallow cast, and the green eyes that Rachel had P08 134 inherited had lost their sparkle.

P08 135 Swallowing around a lump, Rachel rose and slipped an arm around P08 136 her mother's waist, pulling her close for a moment. In the P08 137 distance, a train whistle could be heard, and somewhere below them, P08 138 a dog barked in protest. "Remember the time I hid behind P08 139 that old glider because I was so mad at you?"

P08 140 Gloria released a stream of smoke, then smiled. "I'd P08 141 refused to let you have a puppy for your fifth birthday, and I P08 142 thought you'd run away. I grabbed the boys - they were just babies, P08 143 really - and I searched all over for you. I was nearly P08 144 frantic."

P08 145 "And Edna found me."

P08 146 "That's right. She'd closed the diner to help me look P08 147 for you." Gloria's husky voice held a wistful note.

P08 148 "Did she ever scold me for scaring you! Then she bought P08 149 me a stuffed dog the next day and told me it would last longer than P08 150 a real one and was much easier to care for."

P08 151 Nodding at the memory, Gloria stubbed out her cigarette in a P08 152 coffee can in the corner. "Doc Tremayne told me you were P08 153 allergic, that I shouldn't allow a pet in the house. You never P08 154 liked cats, but you wanted a dog so badly. How do you explain P08 155 allergies to a five-year-old? But you grew to love that stuffed P08 156 dog. You named him Rufus, remember?"

P08 157 "Sure. I found him on the closet shelf last P08 158 night." Rachel shifted her gaze toward the sea, deciding P08 159 not to tell her mother that she'd lain awake for hours, clutching P08 160 the scruffy animal and staring at the ceiling. She'd avoided walks P08 161 down memory lane for years, but back here again, she was caught in P08 162 its uneasy grip.

P08 163 Gloria tightened the belt of her robe, then leaned her elbows P08 164 on the ledge. "It's hard being back here for you, I know. P08 165 I'm grateful you came."

P08 166 "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner," Rachel P08 167 answered, her voice thick with regret. "Orrin had had so P08 168 many asthma attacks in the past. I never dreamed he'd ... he'd P08 169 ..."

P08 170 Gloria reached for her daughter's hand. "I know. The P08 171 pneumonia struck so fast that even Doc was surprised. At least P08 172 Orrin didn't suffer long."

P08 173 Rachel squeezed her mother's fingers, nodding. "I P08 174 suppose we ought to get dressed."

P08 175 Gloria straightened. "I'll make some coffee while you P08 176 shower. It's going to be a long, difficult day."

P08 177 "We'll get through it, Mom. We always have." P08 178 Squaring her shoulders and reaching for the cool reserve that had P08 179 seen her through many difficult days, Rachel walked inside.

P08 180 "Are you sure I can't go with you, Daddy?"

P08 181 Justin Wheeler adjusted the rubber band on the end of his P08 182 eight-year-old daughter's long, dark braid and smiled down into her P08 183 round, freckled face. He'd walked her over to the sitter's house P08 184 located four doors from their own small bungalow, and they'd been P08 185 locking horns over the day's agenda every step of the way. P08 186 "We've been over this, Katie. Funerals are no place for P08 187 young girls."

P08 188 "But Orrin was my friend, too," Katie Wheeler P08 189 said, giving her voice that persuasive note that usually worked on P08 190 her father.

P08 191 "Yes, he was. And I want you to remember him as someone P08 192 very special. But I also want you to stay with Mrs. Porter while P08 193 Grandpa and I go to his funeral." Justin touched her chin P08 194 and waited until she raised her blue eyes, startled as always at P08 195 how much they resembled her mother's. "Will you do that for P08 196 me?"

P08 197 Katie's good nature never let her argue losing battles too P08 198 long. She grinned up at him, revealing a gap where two teeth were P08 199 still missing. Then she jammed her baseball cap sideways onto her P08 200 head. "Okay, Daddy."

P08 201 Feeling a rush of love for her, Justin gave her a quick hug and P08 202 flipped her hat around until the bill faced the back. P08 203 P08 204 P09 1 <#FROWN:P09\>CHAPTER

P09 2 1

P09 3 Montego Bay, Jamaica

P09 4 June 1803

P09 5 IT WAS SAID she had three lovers.

P09 6 Rumor numbered those three as: the pallid thin-chested P09 7 Oliver Susson, an attorney and one of the richest men in Montego P09 8 Bay, unmarried, nearing middle age; Charles Grammond, a planter who P09 9 owned a large sugar plantation next to Camille Hall, the plantation P09 10 where she lived, a man with a long-faced, strong-willed wife and P09 11 four disappointing children; and a Lord David Lochridge, the P09 12 youngest son of the Duke of Gilford, sent to Jamaica because he'd P09 13 fought three duels within three years, killed two men, and tried P09 14 unsuccessfully, because of his phenomenal luck at cards, to spend P09 15 his grandmother's entire fortune that had been left to him at the P09 16 tender age of eighteen. Lochridge was now Ryder's age - twenty-five P09 17 - tall and slender, with a vicious tongue and an angel's face.

P09 18 Ryder heard about these men in surprising detail - but nearly P09 19 nothing about the notorious woman whose favors they all seemed to P09 20 share equally - on his very first afternoon in Montego Bay in a P09 21 popular local coffeehouse, the Gold Doubloon, a low sprawling P09 22 building whose neighbor was, surprisingly enough to Ryder, St. P09 23 James's Church. The crafty innkeeper had gained the patronage of P09 24 the rich men of the island through the simple expedient of using P09 25 his beautiful daughter, nieces, and cousins to serve the customers P09 26 with remarkable amiability. Whether or not any of these lovely P09 27 young girls carried any of the innkeeper's blood was not P09 28 questioned.

P09 29 Ryder had been made welcome and given a cup of local grog that P09 30 was dark and thick and curled warmly in his belly. He relaxed, glad P09 31 to be once again on solid ground, and looked about at the assembled P09 32 men. He silently questioned again the necessity of his leaving his P09 33 home in England and traveling to this godforsaken backwater all P09 34 because the manager of their sugar plantation, Samuel Grayson, had P09 35 written in near hysteria to Douglas, his elder brother and Earl of P09 36 Northcliffe, describing in quite fabulous detail all the P09 37 supernatural and surely quite evil happenings going on at Kimberly P09 38 Hall. It was all nonsense, of course, but Ryder had quickly P09 39 volunteered to come because the man was obviously scared out of his P09 40 wits and Douglas was newly married and to a young lady not of his P09 41 choice. Obviously he needed time to accustom himself to his new and P09 42 unexpected lot. So it was Ryder who'd spent seven weeks on the high P09 43 seas before arriving here in Montego Bay, in the middle of the P09 44 summer in heat so brutal it was a chore to breathe. At the very P09 45 least, what was happening was a mystery, and Ryder loved mysteries. P09 46 He heard one of the men say something about this girl with three P09 47 lovers. Had the men no other topic of conversation? Then one of her P09 48 lovers had come in, the attorney, Oliver Susson, and there had been P09 49 a hushed silence for several moments before one of the older P09 50 gentlemen said in a carrying voice, "Ah, there's dear P09 51 Oliver, who doesn't mind sharing his meal with his other P09 52 brothers."

P09 53 "Ah, no, Alfred, 'tis only his dessert he shares with P09 54 his brothers."

P09 55 "Aye, a toothsome tart," said a fat gentleman P09 56 with a leering smile. "I wonder about the taste of her. P09 57 What do you think, Morgan?"

P09 58 Ryder found himself sitting forward in the cane-backed P09 59 chair. He had believed he would be bored on Jamaica with backwater P09 60 colonial contentiousness.

P09 61 He found himself, instead, grinning. Who the devil was this P09 62 woman who juggled three men in and out of her bedchamber with such P09 63 skill?

P09 64 "I doubt it's cherries he tastes," said the man P09 65 named Morgan, tilting back his chair, "but I tell you, P09 66 young Lord David licks his lips."

P09 67 "Ask Oliver. He can give us his legal opinion of the P09 68 tart in question."

P09 69 Oliver Susson was a very good attorney. He blessed the day he P09 70 arrived in Montego Bay some twelve years before, for he now P09 71 controlled three sugar plantations since all three owners were P09 72 living in England. Not one of the owners seemed to mind that he was P09 73 a competitor's attorney. He sighed now. He had heard every P09 74 provocative comment and he never showed any emotion save a tolerant P09 75 smile.

P09 76 He said with an easygoing bonhomie, "My dear sirs, the P09 77 lady in question is the queen of desserts. Your jealousy leads your P09 78 tongues to serious impertinence." With that, he ordered a P09 79 brandy from a quite striking young woman with wild red hair and a P09 80 gown that offered up breasts as creamy as the thick goat milk P09 81 served with the coffee. He then opened an English newspaper, shook P09 82 the pages, and held it in front of his face.

P09 83 What the hell was the woman's name? Who was she?

P09 84 Ryder found that he really didn't want to leave the P09 85 coffeehouse. Outside, the grueling sun was beating down, piles of P09 86 filth and offal on all the walkways, thick dust that kicked up even P09 87 when a man took a single step. But he was tired, he needed to get P09 88 to Kimberly Hall, and he needed to soothe Grayson's doubtless P09 89 frazzled nerves. Grayson was probably even now at the dock P09 90 wondering where the hell he was. Well, he would discover all about P09 91 this so-called tart soon enough.

P09 92 He paid his shot, bid his new acquaintances good-bye, and P09 93 strode out into the nearly overpowering heat of the late afternoon. P09 94 It nearly staggered him and he found himself wondering how the P09 95 devil one could even want to make love in this inferno. He was P09 96 immediately surrounded by ragged black children, each wanting to do P09 97 something for him, from wiping his boots with a dirty cloth to P09 98 sweeping the path in front of him with naught more than twigs tied P09 99 together. They were all shouting "Massa! Massa!" He P09 100 tossed several shillings into the air and strolled back to the P09 101 dock. There were free blacks in the West Indies, he knew, but if P09 102 they were free, they couldn't be more ragged than their slave P09 103 brothers.

P09 104 On the small dock, the smell of rotting fish nearly made him P09 105 gag. The wooden planks creaked beneath his boots, and there was a P09 106 frenzy of activity as slaves unloaded a ship that had just docked. P09 107 Both a black man and a white man stood nearby, each with a whip in P09 108 his hand, issuing continuous orders. He saw Samuel Grayson, the P09 109 Sherbrooke manager and attorney, pacing back and forth, mopping his P09 110 forehead with a handkerchief. The man looked older than Ryder knew P09 111 him to be. When he looked up and saw Ryder, Ryder thought he would P09 112 faint with relief.

P09 113 Ryder smiled pleasantly and stretched out his hand. P09 114 "Samuel Grayson?"

P09 115 "Yes, my lord. I had thought you hadn't come until I P09 116 chanced to see the captain. He told me you were the most enjoyable P09 117 passenger he's ever had."

P09 118 Ryder smiled at that. The fact of the matter was, he hadn't P09 119 slept with the captain's wife, a young lady making her first voyage P09 120 with her much older husband. She'd tried to seduce him in the P09 121 companionway during a storm. Captain Oxenburg had evidently found P09 122 out about it. "Oh yes, I'm here, right enough. I'm not a P09 123 lord, that's my older brother, the Earl of Northcliffe. I'm merely P09 124 an honorable, which sounds quite ridiculous really, particularly in P09 125 this blistering sun, particularly in the West Indies. I believe a P09 126 simple mister in these parts is quite sufficient. Good God, this P09 127 sun is brutal and the air is so heavy I feel as though I'm carrying P09 128 an invisible horse on my shoulders."

P09 129 "Thank God you are here. I've waited and wondered, I P09 130 don't mind telling you, my lor - Master Ryder, that we've trouble P09 131 here, big trouble, and I haven't known what to do, but now you're P09 132 here and, oh dear, as for the heat, you'll accustom yourself P09 133 hopefully and then -"

P09 134 Mr. Grayson's voice broke off abruptly and he sucked in his P09 135 breath. Ryder followed his line of vision and in turn saw a vision P09 136 of his own. It was a woman ... really, just a woman, but even from P09 137 this distance, he knew who she was, oh yes, he was certain this was P09 138 the woman who dangled three men so skillfully. When she bade them P09 139 dance, they doubtless danced. He wondered what else she bade them P09 140 do. Then he shook his head, too weary from the seven weeks on board P09 141 the comfortingly huge barkentine, The Silver Tide, that P09 142 he simply didn't care if she were a snake charmer form India or the P09 143 whore of the island, which, he supposed, she was. The intense heat P09 144 was sapping his strength. He'd never experienced anything like it P09 145 before in his life. He hoped Grayson was right and he'd adjust; P09 146 that, or he'd just lie about in the shade doing nothing.

P09 147 He turned back to Grayson. The man was still staring at her, P09 148 slavering like a dog over a bone that wouldn't ever be his because P09 149 other bigger dogs had staked claim.

P09 150 "Mr. Grayson," Ryder said, and finally the man P09 151 turned back to him. "I would like to go to Kimberly Hall P09 152 now. You can tell me of the troubles on our way."

P09 153 "Yes, my lor - Master Ryder. Right away. It's just that P09 154 she's, well, that's Sophia Stanton-Greville, you know." He P09 155 mopped his forehead.

P09 156 "Ah," said Ryder, his voice a nice blend of irony and P09 157 contempt. "Onward, Grayson. Pull your tongue back into your P09 158 mouth, if you please. I see flies hovering."

P09 159 Samuel Grayson managed it, not without some difficulty, for the P09 160 woman in question was being helped down from her mare by a white P09 161 man, and she'd just shown a glimpse of silk-covered ankle. To P09 162 render men slavering idiots with an ankle made Ryder shake his P09 163 head. He'd seen so many female ankles in his day, so many female P09 164 legs and female thighs, and everything else female, that he by far P09 165 preferred an umbrella to protect him form the relentless sun than P09 166 seeing anything the woman had to offer.

P09 167 "And don't call me master. Ryder will do just P09 168 fine."

P09 169 Grayson nodded, his eyes still on the Vision. "I don't P09 170 understand," he said more to himself than to Ryder as he P09 171 walked to two horses, docilely standing, heads lowered, held by two P09 172 black boys. "You see her, you see how exquisitely beautiful P09 173 she is, and yet you are not interested."

P09 174 "She is a woman, Grayson, nothing more, nothing less. P09 175 Let's go now."

P09 176 When Grayson produced a hat for Ryder, he thought he'd weep for P09 177 joy. He couldn't imagine riding far in this heat. "Is it P09 178 always this unmercifully hot?"

P09 179 "It's summer. It's always intolerable in the summer P09 180 here," said Grayson. "We only ride, Ryder. As P09 181 you'll see, the roads here are well nigh impassable for a carriage. P09 182 Yes, all gentlemen ride. Many ladies as well."

P09 183 Grayson sat his gray cob quite comfortably, Ryder saw, as he P09 184 mounted his own black gelding, a huge brute with a mean eye.

P09 185 "It's nearly an hour's ride to the plantation. But the P09 186 road west curves very close to the water and there will be a P09 187 breeze. Also the great house is set upon a rise, and thus catches P09 188 any breezes and winds that might be up, and in the shade it is P09 189 always bearable, even in the summer."

P09 190 "Good," Ryder said and clamped the wide-brimmed leather P09 191 hat down on his head. "You can tell me what's been P09 192 happening that disturbs you so much."

P09 193 And Grayson talked and talked. He spoke of strange blue and P09 194 yellow smoke that threaded skyward like a snake and fires that P09 195 glowed white and an odd green, and moans and groans and smells that P09 196 came from hell itself, sulfurous odors that announced the arrival P09 197 of the devil himself, waiting to attack, it was just a matter of P09 198 time. And just the week before there'd been a fire set to a shed P09 199 near to the great house. His son, Emile, and all the house slaves P09 200 had managed to douse the flames before there'd been much damage. P09 201 Then just three days before a tree had fallen and very nearly P09 202 landed on the veranda roof. The tree had been very sturdy.

P09 203 "I don't suppose there were saw marks on the P09 204 tree?"

P09 205 "No," said Mr. Grayson firmly. "My son looked P09 206 closely. It was the work of the supernatural. Even he was forced to P09 207 cease going against what I said." P09 208 P09 209 P10 1 <#FROWN:P10\>Chapter One

P10 2 Off the Carolina coast, 1673

P10 3 The English Wench, prized by her pirate crew for her P10 4 speed and agility, had had no trouble overtaking the heavier P10 5 merchant vessel. Being attacked by pirates was one of the hazards P10 6 faced by those who sailed along the coast of the Carolinas in the P10 7 year of the Lord 1673.

P10 8 While the merchant vessel had attempted to position itself to P10 9 use its cannons, the English Wench had drawn alongside. P10 10 Using grappling hooks, the pirates had bound the two vessels P10 11 together. Even before all the lines were secured, members of the P10 12 band had leapt from their vessel to the deck of the merchant P10 13 ship.

P10 14 Kathleen had watched the battle through a spyglass from the P10 15 bridge of the English Wench. Captain Thorton's ruthless P10 16 pirates had won, but not easily. The captain of the merchant vessel P10 17 and his officers had fought valiantly. Even the crew had put up P10 18 more of a fight than was usual. These men did not commonly feel a P10 19 sufficient loyalty to the owners of the vessel on which they sailed P10 20 to risk their lives in battle. Then there had been the brown-haired P10 21 man who now stood tall and proud, despite his wounds, among the P10 22 other prisoners. She judged his age to be near thirty. It was not P10 23 easy to decide his place. He had moved with the air of one used to P10 24 being in a position of authority. But he wore no wig. Had he, it P10 25 would have been a certain sign of rank. However, it was his own P10 26 natural hair that hung thick and full past his shoulders. Very nice P10 27 hair, too, she mused, a rich brown like the shell of a hickory P10 28 nut.

P10 29 His clothing was well tailored and most definitely the attire P10 30 of a gentleman. But to her shock she had found her mind going P10 31 beyond the depth of her gaze. It was difficult to determine the P10 32 true figure of a man beneath his clothing, but his movements had P10 33 been strong and lithe, and Kathleen had found herself envisioning P10 34 strong shoulders and firm legs. Not at all the kind of thoughts for P10 35 a modest woman to be having, but then she had not lived in polite P10 36 or refined company for many years. A sudden concern that some of P10 37 the pirates' lusty nature had rubbed off onto her caused a cold P10 38 chill. Never!

P10 39 Her mind returned to the business at hand. The battle was over P10 40 and the captain of the captured vessel was ordering the healthy P10 41 prisoners to help the wounded members of his crew. Meanwhile, P10 42 standing slightly apart form the others, the brown-haired swordsman P10 43 was tying a make-shift bandage around his arm. A slicing P10 44 blow from a saber had cut through his clothing to the flesh below. P10 45 The bleeding had slowed, however, indicating that the wound was not P10 46 deep. For a moment she wondered if he was one of the owners of the P10 47 vessel. But noticing that the captain made no move to consult with P10 48 him, she concluded that he was merely a passenger.

P10 49 Suddenly realizing how long she had allowed this particular man P10 50 to occupy her attention, she frowned. "You're wasting P10 51 precious time," she berated herself aloud. Putting the P10 52 spyglass aside, she left the bridge. As she crossed the long plank P10 53 now connecting the two ships, she tried not to think of the blood P10 54 on the deck or the bodies of the dead and dying.

P10 55 "I've lost a few of me men today," Captain P10 56 Lawrence Thorton said, addressing the crew of the ship he had just P10 57 captured. "If any of you lads are wanting to join me merry P10 58 band, you're welcome. Just step forward. The rest of you will be P10 59 set adrift with what remaining officers you have. If you're lucky, P10 60 the sharks'll eat you 'afore the Indians get you." He P10 61 laughed at his joke while Kathleen fought back a wave of nausea as P10 62 she nearly tripped over a severed arm.

P10 63 As distasteful as such expeditions were, she'd convinced P10 64 Captain Thorton to allow her to board the captured ships. She'd led P10 65 him to believe her motives were purely those of mercy toward the P10 66 wounded. Since he hadn't a single merciful bone in his body, he P10 67 found this amusing and did not stop her. In truth, while she did P10 68 try to help the injured, especially those of the captured vessel, P10 69 her real purpose was to find small weapons she could conceal in a P10 70 pocket in her petticoat. She was determined that one day she would P10 71 escape from Captain Thorton. And that day will be very soon, she P10 72 promised herself as she knelt beside a corpse and guardedly took a P10 73 dagger and its sheath from the corpse's belt.

P10 74 Hearing a splash, she glanced toward the rail to find that P10 75 Captain Thorton's men were already tossing the bodies of those who P10 76 had died, both friend and foe alike, overboard to the waiting P10 77 sharks. No formal ceremonies for these cutthroats. Cries for mercy P10 78 suddenly filled the air as a badly wounded member of the merchant P10 79 crew was flung over-board along with the dead. "He'd P10 80 never of made it, mate," one of the two pirates explained P10 81 with a gleeful grin when the captain of the merchant vessel P10 82 protested.

P10 83 Kathleen's stomach knotted as she heard the body hit the water. P10 84 After eleven years of sailing with Captain Thorton, she should have P10 85 grown used to his and his crew's callous disrespect for human life, P10 86 but she hadn't.

P10 87 About half of the remaining merchant crew accepted Captain P10 88 Thorton's invitation to join him. This didn't surprise her. Joining P10 89 the pirates provided them an opportunity to gain wealth they would P10 90 never otherwise have. It also afforded them a much better chance of P10 91 survival than being set adrift in an overcrowded lifeboat.

P10 92 Hearing a groan, Kathleen turned to see one of Captain P10 93 Thorton's men lying dazed on the deck not far from where she knelt. P10 94 She knew that if he did not regain his senses by the time the P10 95 'burial' crew found him, he, too, might be tossed to the sharks. P10 96 Captain Thorton's crew operated on the P10 97 <}_><-|>principal<+|>principle<}/> of survival of the fittest, P10 98 always keeping in mind that the fewer left to share the booty, the P10 99 larger their portion of the prize.

P10 100 A part of her was tempted to leave the man to his fate. He had P10 101 certainly shown her no kindness. None of Captain Thorton's crew P10 102 had. They leered at her and made crude remarks, and she knew that P10 103 should Captain Thorton ever decide to relinquish his guardianship P10 104 over her, each would be willing to use her foully. Still, she P10 105 couldn't bring herself to let the man die. Rising, she crossed over P10 106 to him and helped him to his feet.

P10 107 He had a large bump on his head, but other than that, he was P10 108 not injured. "If you want to live, stay on your P10 109 feet," she instructed him firmly. She saw the glimmer of P10 110 understanding in his eyes. Reaching out, he steadied himself P10 111 against the mast.

P10 112 Moving away from him, she continued around the deck. The blood P10 113 again caused her stomach to churn. "You can be sick P10 114 later," she reprimanded herself in a harsh whisper.

P10 115 The time had come for the officers and those remaining with P10 116 them to board their lifeboat. Despite the fact that their chances P10 117 of survival were very slim, with all her heart she wished she could P10 118 go with them. The passenger who had captured her attention during P10 119 the battle was in the group. Without even thinking, she moved P10 120 closer until she found herself beside him. He was taller than she P10 121 had first thought. Her slender five-foot-six-inch frame did not P10 122 quite reach his chin. And he was even more muscular than she had P10 123 judged from a distance. His shoulders were broad and his abdomen P10 124 was firm and flat. While his manner was that of one ready to accept P10 125 his fate, she noted that the muscles of his legs were flexed like P10 126 those of an animal prepared to defend itself. Her gaze traveled to P10 127 his hands. The palms were callused. He dressed like a gentleman, P10 128 but clearly he was no man of leisure.

P10 129 As if he suddenly felt her studying him, he turned and looked P10 130 down at her.

P10 131 His features were strong but blended well into a face that P10 132 could be considered ruggedly handsome. His eyes were a deep brown, P10 133 a shade darker than his hair. When they first settled on Kathleen, P10 134 they showed surprise, then they became even darker with P10 135 disapproval.

P10 136 A pirate's whore, John thought to himself, as the shock of P10 137 seeing a woman in the middle of this carnage wore off. He looked P10 138 down at the fresh blood smeared across the back of one of her P10 139 hands. He'd once heard that a bloodthirsty woman could be a P10 140 thousand times more dangerous than a bloodthirsty man. Best to P10 141 stand clear of this one, he decided, shifting his gaze back to his P10 142 captors.

P10 143 Kathleen's gray eyes flashed with proud defiance as she read P10 144 the disdain in his features. Her head held high, she stepped away P10 145 from the arrogant prisoner as Mr. Louker, Captain Thorton's first P10 146 mate, approached and ordered the group to begin their descent into P10 147 the waiting lifeboat. Oh, how she wished she could go with them.

P10 148 Suddenly Joseph Yates was at the brown-eyed prisoner's side. P10 149 "He stays to pay for the death of me brother." P10 150 Grabbing the man by his wounded arm, Joseph yanked him out of the P10 151 line. His knife was already drawn to slit the prisoner's throat. As P10 152 if her own death was being set in motion, a chill shook Kathleen. P10 153 Without thinking, she raced across the deck and grabbed Joseph's P10 154 arm before he could do his filthy deed.

P10 155 "Your brother died in a fair fight," she P10 156 insisted, her fingers digging into Joseph's arm as he tried to P10 157 shake her free. Even as she fought for the prisoner, she did not P10 158 understand why it was so important to her that he live. She told P10 159 herself her concern was only because he was an innocent human being P10 160 who did not deserve to die at the hands of these cutthroats. P10 161 "I was watching from the bridge of the English P10 162 Wench."

P10 163 "How me brother died is of no importance. He's dead and P10 164 I'll have me revenge." Joseph's eyes glistened with hatred P10 165 as he gave a strong jerk that sent Kathleen sprawling onto the P10 166 deck.

P10 167 The woman's attempt to save his life startled John. But he had P10 168 no time to wonder at her behavior. The pirate's struggle with her P10 169 had drawn Joseph's attention away from his quarry. John was not one P10 170 to allow an opportunity to go to waste. He captured the wrist of P10 171 Joseph's knife-wielding hand in a viselike grip and twisted it P10 172 hard. As Kathleen scrambled back to her feet, the bloody knife P10 173 dropped to the deck.

P10 174 "You're a dead man," Joseph spat at the P10 175 prisoner, who now held him captive.

P10 176 "You cannot kill him without the captain's P10 177 permission," Kathleen warned Joseph harshly. It was the P10 178 direst threat she could muster. "Or you'll pay with your P10 179 life."

P10 180 Joseph greeted her warning with a self-righteous scowl. P10 181 "He killed me brother. I've got a right -"

P10 182 "You should listen to Kathleen," a male voice P10 183 cautioned from behind her.

P10 184 Glancing over her shoulder Kathleen saw Captain Thorton P10 185 approaching them. He looked older than his forty-five years. The P10 186 ocean winds and his own innate cruelty had etched harsh lines into P10 187 his features. His attire was that of a fancy English gentleman. P10 188 There were polished buckles adorning his boots, a lace cravat at P10 189 his throat and a heavy, full wig upon his head. He was only an inch P10 190 taller than she but the cocked hat he wore, graced as it was with a P10 191 plume, made him seem taller. His green silk waistcoat strained P10 192 against his stomach, but she knew he was made more of muscle than P10 193 fat. His dress and the manner in which he carried himself caused P10 194 her to think of a strutting peacock, a very vicious, very deadly P10 195 one.

P10 196 "She knows better than any member of my crew what P10 197 disobeying my orders can mean." P10 198 P11 1 <#FROWN:P11\>Prologue

P11 2 Westmorland, England, 1807

P11 3 Walter FitzHugh looked up from the papers strewn across his P11 4 desk. His eyes seemed dull, his face haggard, yet he was able to P11 5 smile when he saw her standing in the hall outside his study. P11 6 "So, pet, are you ready to leave for Beckworth P11 7 House?"

P11 8 Heather shook her head, feeling more lost and confused than P11 9 she'd ever felt in her ten years.

P11 10 The baron held out his arms to her. "Come here, P11 11 child."

P11 12 She ran to him and hurtled herself onto his lap, into the P11 13 safety of his arms. Her hands clasped behind his neck as she buried P11 14 her face against his chest.

P11 15 "It won't be so terrible at your aunt Caroline's, P11 16 Heather. My sister might be a trifle vain and arrogant, but she was P11 17 a FitzHugh before she married the viscount. Once a FitzHugh, always P11 18 a FitzHugh, I say. She'll make you a good home."

P11 19 "But I don't want to leave GlenRoyal, Papa," P11 20 Heather whispered. "Why do we have to leave?"

P11 21 It was her brother, George, who answered her question. P11 22 "Because the Duke of Hawksbury cheated at hazard." P11 23 The fourteen-year-old's voice was filled with bitterness. P11 24 "Isn't that right, Father?"

P11 25 Heather turned her head toward the doorway and watched as P11 26 George crossed the room, coming to stand beside her and their P11 27 father. "But why does that mean we have to leave our P11 28 home?"

P11 29 "You're too young to understand, Heather," the P11 30 baron replied. "One day we'll be able to come back. I don't P11 31 know how, but one day ..." His voice faded, the beaten P11 32 expression returning to haunt his features.

P11 33 "Let's make a FitzHugh oath." George stuck out P11 34 his hand, palm down, toward his father and sister. Youthful P11 35 idealism gleamed in his green eyes. "I swear that I shall P11 36 do whatever I must to reclaim GlenRoyal for the FitzHugh P11 37 family."

P11 38 Heather slid from her father's lap. She stood as straight and P11 39 tall as she could, not too young to understand the solemnity of P11 40 taking a FitzHugh oath. She thrust her pudgy arm forward and laid P11 41 her hand over her brother's. She spoke forcefully, fervently, P11 42 repeating George's words. "I swear that I shall do whatever P11 43 I must to reclaim GlenRoyal for the FitzHugh family."

P11 44 In unison, the siblings looked toward their father, waiting P11 45 expectantly.

P11 46 "Children, I ..." His gaze shifted back and P11 47 forth between them. Finally, he rose from his chair. "I P11 48 swear that I shall do whatever I must - " His voice broke, P11 49 and he turned away from them.

P11 50 Heather felt tears burning her throat at the sound of despair P11 51 in her beloved father's voice. She wanted to make him laugh. She P11 52 wanted to make him smile. She wanted the father she'd always known P11 53 back again.

P11 54 The baron moved to the window. He ran the fingers of one hand P11 55 through his graying hair as he gazed outside into the bright summer P11 56 sunlight. "George, take Heather outside. I won't be P11 57 long."

P11 58 Her brother's hand folded around hers. "Come P11 59 on." His fingers squeezed hers gently. "Father P11 60 wants to be alone." He led her to the door. "And P11 61 don't you ever forget what we swore to do."

P11 62 Insulted by his authoritarian tone, Heather lifted her chin. As P11 63 if she would ever forget the importance of what they'd just P11 64 promised! "A FitzHugh never breaks a FitzHugh P11 65 oath," she retorted, forcing herself to sound brave and P11 66 sure.

P11 67 Three horses were waiting for them in the drive, their reins P11 68 held by the only remaining footman at GlenRoyal.

P11 69 Heather broke away from George and hurried toward her pretty P11 70 chestnut mare. She stroked the horse's sleek neck as the lump P11 71 returned to her throat. At least no one had taken Cathy from her. P11 72 She'd been afraid when so many things had started disappearing from P11 73 GlenRoyal, so many things that had meant safety and security to P11 74 her. But she couldn't have stood it if someone had taken her mare. P11 75 A passion for horses - for all animals, really - was something P11 76 Heather shared with the baron. When she was seven, her father had P11 77 given her the yearling filly, and Heather had helped to train P11 78 her.

P11 79 "May I give you a lift up, Miss Heather?" asked P11 80 Cosgrove, the footman.

P11 81 She knew that if she looked at him she would burst out crying. P11 82 She didn't want to say anymore good-byes. So she shook her head. P11 83 "I can do it, Cosgrove." Thus said, she led Cathy P11 84 to the mounting block, hiked up her skirts, and tossed a leg over P11 85 the saddle. She immediately imagined her aunt Caroline's frown of P11 86 disapproval at such an unladylike act, but she didn't care. She P11 87 wasn't living with Aunt Caroline yet.

P11 88 A moment later, Walter FitzHugh appeared at the top of the P11 89 steps. He kept his eyes straight ahead as he descended the stairs P11 90 and walked to his horse.

P11 91 "Good luck, my lord," the footman said as he P11 92 handed the reins to the baron.

P11 93 "Thank you, Cosgrove. Same to you." He swung up P11 94 onto the saddle, then spun his horse away from the house and P11 95 cantered down the drive, his children following close behind P11 96 him.

P11 97 "You know as well as I do that the duke didn't cheat at P11 98 hazard," Caroline scolded. "You must make George P11 99 stop saying so, or you're going to cause us no end of grief. P11 100 Hawksbury is a powerful man. And that son of his is well thought of P11 101 among the ton. They would never do anything so scandalous as P11 102 cheat at cards, and well you know it. You'll find yourself called P11 103 out if rumors begin because of George."

P11 104 Her brother's response was to lift his glass of port and P11 105 swallow several gulps.

P11 106 "'Tis your own fault, Walter. You never could stay away P11 107 from the clubs and gaming hells. I'm surprised you didn't lose P11 108 everything before now. Whatever would have happened to you and the P11 109 children if it weren't for me? Thank heaven I had the good sense to P11 110 marry a man like Frederick. He shall never leave me destitute. His P11 111 daughter will never be living off someone else's charity, as your P11 112 children are."

P11 113 "Go away, Caroline," Walter grumbled as he P11 114 refilled his glass.

P11 115 "You're getting drunk."

P11 116 "Go away."

P11 117 His sister shot him a disgusted glance. "All right, P11 118 Walter, I'll go. But you'd better spend some time deciding what P11 119 you're going to do now. You haven't a home. You haven't any income P11 120 left. You surely don't expect to go on living here indefinitely, P11 121 being waited on hand and foot. I have my own life to lead. I have P11 122 responsibilities in Society. I can't have people gossiping behind P11 123 my back about my wastrel brother."

P11 124 "By George!" he shouted. "Go away and P11 125 leave me in peace!"

P11 126 Her face pinched with anger, Caroline twirled away from him and P11 127 stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

P11 128 "Damn woman," Walter muttered before lifting P11 129 the glass to his lips. "Never could stand her. Never P11 130 could."

P11 131 Now, his Victoria ... there was a woman to love and be loved. P11 132 If only she'd lived. He'd never failed at anything when Tory was P11 133 alive. Since her death, life had lost its meaning for him. If it P11 134 weren't for his children ...

P11 135 Heather was a lot like her mother. She had the same raven hair, P11 136 curly and unruly, and the same violet eyes, big and round and P11 137 expressive. Sometimes it almost hurt to look at his daughter for P11 138 the sense of loss it brought him. But Heather was stronger than P11 139 Tory had been. Heather was a fighter. She'd find her place in life P11 140 all right, no matter what a mess her father had made of things. No, P11 141 he wouldn't have to worry about Heather.

P11 142 And George. George had all the best qualities of a FitzHugh and P11 143 few of the weaknesses. George was well on his way to being a man. P11 144 He was strong and intelligent. He wouldn't repeat his father's P11 145 mistakes. He would make the FitzHugh name stand for something P11 146 again. George wasn't the failure Walter had become.

P11 147 He refilled his glass and let the port slide down his throat, P11 148 feeling it warming all the cold parts of his body. Heaven help him, P11 149 he was tired of feeling cold. He'd been cold ever since that night P11 150 at Watier's.

P11 151 His senses might be dulled by the alcohol, but he still P11 152 remembered every detail of that night at the club at No. 81, P11 153 Piccadilly, as he'd faced the Duke of Hawksbury and his son across P11 154 the hazard table. Walter had already lost a phenomenal sum of money P11 155 that night. In fact, he'd known he was all but ruined. He'd had P11 156 only one chance to win it back. Only one. He'd demanded that the P11 157 duke accept GlenRoyal as his wager. He'd been so certain the dice P11 158 would be good to him on the next roll. He'd been so sure he would P11 159 nick it, that the chance would equal the main and he would win all P11 160 the stakes.

P11 161 But he hadn't nicked it. He'd thrown crabs. With one roll of P11 162 the dice, he'd lost GlenRoyal.

P11 163 God only knew why he'd allowed his son to think the duke had P11 164 cheated by using dispatchers. When George had claimed the dice must P11 165 have been loaded, Walter had remained silent. Perhaps it was P11 166 because the truth about himself was too difficult to face. For the P11 167 thrill of the game, he'd thrown away his son's future, his P11 168 daughter's security. For the thrill of the game, he'd lost his P11 169 family's heritage.

P11 170 Caroline was right about him. He was a wastrel. He P11 171 was an embarrassment to his children and his sister and his P11 172 friends. Perhaps it was merciful that Tory hadn't lived to see him P11 173 come to this.

P11 174 "Ah, Tory, I need you with me, love. I need P11 175 you."

P11 176 Heather sat up suddenly, startled awake by a loud noise. Her P11 177 heart hammered in her chest as she stared into the darkness of the P11 178 strange room. She was frightened. Terribly frightened. She longed P11 179 for her own bedchamber at GlenRoyal and her familiar bed. She P11 180 didn't care that GlenRoyal wasn't as large or impressive or finely P11 181 furnished as Beckworth House. She wanted her own home.

P11 182 Then she heard the voices. Excited voices. Voices shouting. She P11 183 heard footsteps running up and down the stairs. She heard pounding P11 184 on the doors. Her anxiety increased. Frightening forms took shape P11 185 in the corners of the room, shapes that seemed to move and whisper P11 186 and threaten.

P11 187 "Papa," she whispered, "come find P11 188 me."

P11 189 A thin light appeared beneath her door. She slipped out of bed P11 190 and hurried toward it, blood pounding in her ears. She yanked the P11 191 door open, letting a flood of golden lamplight spill into the P11 192 bedchamber, dispelling the ghosts and goblins that fear had P11 193 created.

P11 194 She stepped into the hallway, moving toward the commotion on P11 195 the floor below. Her hand was on the banister, and she was ready to P11 196 descend the stairs when George appeared.

P11 197 His face was white, his green eyes eerily bright.

P11 198 "Stay there, Heather," he said.

P11 199 "Why?"

P11 200 "It's Papa. Papa's dead."

P11 201 Chapter 1

P11 202 London, England, 1816

P11 203 To the many pairs of feminine eyes watching him covertly - and P11 204 otherwise - throughout the room, Tanner Huntington Gilbert P11 205 Montgomery, tenth Duke of Hawksbury, was a magnificent sight. Tall, P11 206 lean, and broad of shoulder, he was dressed fashionably, yet there P11 207 was something almost indolent about his appearance, as if he were P11 208 mocking the gentlemen who'd spent hours at their toilet perfecting P11 209 their starched cravats. His tight black trousers revealed long legs P11 210 and muscular thighs. A long-tailed black coat fit him snugly at the P11 211 waist. There was an aura of raw strength about him, a barely P11 212 restrained power that was both frightening and fascinating.

P11 213 But it was the chiseled contours of his face that drew the most P11 214 attention. Ruggedly handsome, he had a wide forehead and an P11 215 aquiline nose. His mouth was thin with what appeared to be a P11 216 permanent cynical twist at the corners. Golden-brown hair brushed P11 217 the back of his white collar, and cool blue eyes stared out at the P11 218 drawing room with undisguised boredom.

P11 219 Tanner sipped champagne and glanced over the rim of his glass. P11 220 The Rathdrum rout was in full swing. P11 221 P11 222 P12 1 <#FROWN:P12\>Chapter One

P12 2 The last time Lanie Robinson ran away from home she had been P12 3 eight years old. She had lost her shoe, fallen into a mud puddle P12 4 and been chased by a dog. By the time darkness came she was more P12 5 than happy to creep back home to supper with no one ever having P12 6 been aware that she was gone.

P12 7 Now, almost twenty-seven years later, Lanie Robinson's Great P12 8 Escape II was turning out to be almost as inauspicious as her last P12 9 one. The only difference between then and now was that this time P12 10 home was almost twelve-hundred miles away. Her plane from Iowa had P12 11 been late and she had missed her connection in Philadelphia. By the P12 12 time she had finally arrived in Miami, the airport transportation P12 13 had already departed, and she had had to find her own way to the P12 14 port. Her luggage was lost. She was lost.

P12 15 She paused to catch her breath, letting her heavy carry-on bag, P12 16 oversized purse and bulky all-weather coat sink to the ground as P12 17 she struggled to capture, even for a moment, that sense of heady P12 18 triumph she was sure should be hers. After all, she had done it. P12 19 Lanie Robinson - who had never traveled more than a hundred miles P12 20 from home in her life - had scrawled a note, packed a bag and P12 21 walked out on her home, job and family without a backward glance. P12 22 She had made it this far; she wasn't about to turn back now.

P12 23 She only wished she didn't have quite so far to go.

P12 24 Christopher Vandermere scrawled his signature on the last P12 25 document just as the chauffeur-driven limousine pulled into the P12 26 harbor area. He pushed up the tortoiseshell reading glasses and P12 27 rubbed the bridge of his nose, scowling into the telephone. P12 28 "Look, Madison, you can tell him for me -"

P12 29 "If you don't mind, sir, I'd rather not." The P12 30 crisp contralto tones of his secretary bore not the faintest hint P12 31 of reproach - nor, in fact, any emotion at all. It was a pattern of P12 32 speech that Elizabeth Madison, administrative assistant P12 33 extraordinaire, had elevated to an art form. "If we might P12 34 move on ..."

P12 35 Chris groaned out loud, letting the glasses drop painfully to P12 36 the bridge of his nose again. "Move on?" He moved P12 37 the telephone away from his face just long enough to tug the P12 38 glasses off impatiently and toss them across the seat. Then he P12 39 started to work on his tie. "I've got a stack of papers P12 40 here tall enough to keep even you busy for the next month, two P12 41 tapes of dictation are on the way to the office by special P12 42 messenger as we speak, and if there's anyone in the continental P12 43 United States I haven't talked to today it's only because I've P12 44 faxed them. Please, don't you think I can go out and play P12 45 now?"

P12 46 He had been trying for five years to break through Madison's P12 47 imperturbable facade and elicit a laugh, a chuckle, or even a small P12 48 smile; mentally he marked down another failure as she replied, P12 49 perfectly deadpan and without missing a beat, "In just one P12 50 minute, sir. There are only a few more items we need to P12 51 cover."

P12 52 Chris was looking out the window, across the water, watching P12 53 the harbor traffic with a quickening of his pulse and a deepening P12 54 of anticipation that was so intense it was almost sexual. Only a P12 55 few more minutes now and his escape would be complete. Meantime P12 56 ...

P12 57 Chris got the tie off and tossed it the way of the glasses. His P12 58 sigh was resigned as he shrugged out of his jacket and began P12 59 working on the vest. "All right, go ahead."

P12 60 The man at the Great Escapes Tours booth had pointed Lanie in P12 61 the direction of Pier Twenty-one and radioed the captain that she P12 62 was on her way. He had neglected to mention that numbering the P12 63 slips seemed to be irregular and optional. The last readable number P12 64 had been Fifteen, and it felt to Lanie as though she had walked a P12 65 mile since then. She had to be getting close.

P12 66 She blotted her forehead with the cuff of her P12 67 silk-blend blouse - which that morning had seemed so classy P12 68 and stylish but was now as limp as her brand-new, P12 69 guaranteed-not-to-frizz hairstyle - and shouldered her bags again P12 70 with a muffled groan. She was wearing a skirt above her knees for P12 71 the first time since puberty, and that made her self-conscious P12 72 enough. But the pink wool was travel-creased and scratchy and P12 73 completely inappropriate for Miami, even if it was January.

P12 74 Two weeks sailing on a private yacht, maximum capacity six P12 75 passengers, exploring small islands at which the bigger ships could P12 76 never dock, scuba diving on coral reefs untouched by the tourist P12 77 crowd, gourmet meals every night, being pampered from dawn to dusk P12 78 ... it was a dream to come true. It didn't matter that Lanie did P12 79 not know how to scuba dive, that she had never been sailing before P12 80 in her life or that her idea of being pampered was Chinese takeout P12 81 on Friday nights. It didn't even matter that this trip had taken P12 82 every penny of her savings and most of her cash-advance limit on P12 83 her credit card. This was her chance - quite possible her last P12 84 chance - to do something exciting, something unexpected, something P12 85 purely because she wanted to do it. Nothing was going to stop P12 86 her now ... except, perhaps, missing the boat.

P12 87 And then she saw Pier Twenty-one, and her spirits soared. The P12 88 ship - boat, she corrected herself - was even more luxurious than P12 89 the brochure had promised. Gleaming white and polished teak, it P12 90 dwarfed its neighbors, both in size and beauty. The black letters P12 91 across the side proclaimed its name to be Serendipity and P12 92 Lanie broke into a rueful grin.

P12 93 Not much about her life or even this trip had been P12 94 serendipitous so far - but Lanie felt sure her luck was about to P12 95 change.

P12 96 Very little of Chris Vandermere's attention was on Elizabeth P12 97 Madison's voice as he discarded his vest and pushed a button that P12 98 lowered the tinted glass window. Almost immediately the P12 99 climate-controlled interior of the limo was tainted by the smell of P12 100 fish and salt and fuel, thick and humid and warm. Real air, real P12 101 life. Chris inhaled deeply, unbuttoning the top three buttons of P12 102 his shirt.

P12 103 They passed Pier Eighteen, where the Sunchaser, a P12 104 four-hundred-fifty-passenger cruiser, was docked; Pier Twenty, P12 105 where the Nordic Queen, fifteen-hundred passengers, P12 106 seventy-thousand tons, would be returning after a seven-day cruise P12 107 to the Bahamas tomorrow at six a.m.; Pier Thirty, where the P12 108 Rendezvous, the newest and some said the most luxurious cruise P12 109 ship afloat was just now departing amid a rain of confetti and P12 110 streamers for a two-week cruise of the Caribbean.

0 P12 111 Chris did not have to glance out the window to identify the P12 112 ships or even the piers they were passing. He knew them by smell, P12 113 by feel, by the shadow they cast and the sound of their engines. P12 114 The Sunchaser, the Nordic Queen and the P12 115 Rendezvous were his, along with two other cruise ships docked P12 116 in Miami and another three in Los Angeles. But they were business, P12 117 and business was something he was in the process of shedding as P12 118 systematically as he was his clothes. His mind was on the P12 119 Serendipity.

P12 120 "The board meeting has been confirmed for the P12 121 fifteenth," Madison was saying. "That will give you P12 122 two days after your return -"

P12 123 "If I return."

P12 124 That caused Madison to pause, and Chris experienced a small P12 125 surge of satisfaction for having unsettled her, however P12 126 temporarily. She recovered in less than a beat, however, and said, P12 127 "If I may say, sir, that would be ill-advised at present P12 128 ..."

P12 129 "I'm cutting this trip short as it is. What's the big P12 130 deal if I miss one board meeting? There's nothing on the agenda P12 131 that's not routine and Anthony has my proxy."

P12 132 Again, a slight pause. Madison did not get along with Anthony P12 133 and never had, which was one of the reasons Chris had put his P12 134 brother in charge of west coast operations three years ago. The P12 135 other reason, of course, was to simply give Anthony something to P12 136 do.

P12 137 "To be sure, sir, your brother is a fine young man, but P12 138 with the situation being what it is I think your presence at the P12 139 meeting would do a great deal to reassure the board P12 140 members."

P12 141 Chris scowled again. The last thing he wanted to think about P12 142 now was the 'situation' as it was. "The one thing that's P12 143 guaranteed to worry the board members is my presence at a P12 144 routine meeting," he pointed out, and not entirely P12 145 facetiously. "Then they'll know something is P12 146 wrong."

P12 147 "Perhaps you're right, sir. Nonetheless -"

P12 148 "Nonetheless," he interrupted firmly, "if I do P12 149 decide to extend my trip you are not to send the coast guard P12 150 looking for me. Is that clear?"

P12 151 "Perfectly, sir." But Chris thought he detected P12 152 a note of reluctance in her voice. "However, since you are P12 153 occasionally out of radio contact -"

P12 154 "I mean it, Madison."

P12 155 "Yes, sir."

P12 156 Score one for executive privilege, Chris thought P12 157 grimly. But duty compelled him to say, "Is there anything P12 158 else?" It didn't surprise him that there was.

P12 159 The gangplank was one of those temporary, rolling structures P12 160 that seemed to be attached to the boat more through good intentions P12 161 than mechanical expertise, and Lanie clutched the handrail with P12 162 both hands, lurching from side to side with each step. Her P12 163 clattering approach must have been heard through the innermost P12 164 reaches of the ship, for in only a moment the door to the cockpit P12 165 opened and a man in yachting whites stepped on deck.

P12 166 "Afternoon," he said, smiling.

P12 167 He was middle-aged, fit and friendly-looking. "Hi," P12 168 Lanie said, breathing hard. "Are you the P12 169 captain?"

P12 170 The smile widened into a grin as he touched the brim of his P12 171 cap. "No, ma'am, afraid not. I guess you could call me the P12 172 first mate, though. I'm Andrew, and Joel, here ..." he P12 173 nodded toward a younger man, also in white, who came around the P12 174 side of the cockpit "... he'd be the crew. What can we do P12 175 for you?"

P12 176 "I'm Elaine Robinson. The captain is expecting P12 177 me." She tried to shift around her carry-on bag and coat to P12 178 get to her purse, where her boarding card was stored in one of the P12 179 numerous compartments or pockets. "I'm sorry I'm late. I P12 180 hope I haven't held you up too long."

P12 181 There was only the slightest hesitance, and out of the corner P12 182 of her eye Lanie saw the two men exchange a look. Then Andrew said, P12 183 still in that warm, friendly voice, "No, you haven't held P12 184 us up a bit. Mr. Vandermere isn't even here yet. Here, let me help P12 185 you with that." He came forward to take her bag. P12 186 "Joel, do you want to show the lady to the main P12 187 cabin?"

P12 188 Joel hurried forward with a quick "Welcome aboard, P12 189 ma'am. Mind your step there."

P12 190 He took her arm to help her on board, relieved her of the P12 191 cumbersome coat and shouldered the bag Andrew passed to him. P12 192 Now this is more like it, Lanie thought as he escorted P12 193 her toward the main causeway.

P12 194 Lanie had never been on anything bigger than a rowboat and she P12 195 was fascinated by everything she saw. Unfortunately Joel moved too P12 196 quickly for her to have much more than an impression of warm wood P12 197 and polished brass, framed seascapes on the walls and rich P12 198 carpeting underfoot.

P12 199 "This is the main salon," Joel said when they P12 200 went below deck. "Dinner is served here at eight, and you P12 201 can find just about anything you want in the way of entertainment P12 202 here. The galley is just beyond that hatch there, and the crew P12 203 quarters and guest cabin are forward. Here you go."

P12 204 He opened the door to another room and Lanie, feeling exactly P12 205 like the wide-eyed tourist she was, dragged her attention to this P12 206 new wonder with difficulty.

P12 207 And it was a wonder. It was more of a suite than a cabin - a P12 208 presidential suite at that. It was decorated in royal blue and gold P12 209 with accents of rich wine, and every detail spoke of elegance and P12 210 taste. P12 211 P13 1 <#FROWN:P13\>He had a rare serenity, and almost never complained of P13 2 his aches and pains from the spreading cancer. He believed that P13 3 everything was God's will, and had no fear of dying. They talked P13 4 for a while, about the weather, chopping wood, how the P13 5 caba<*_>n-tilde<*/>uelas calculations in January could P13 6 predict the weather for an entire year. Then the old man listened P13 7 as psalms were read to him in Spanish. He closed his eyes and P13 8 smiled and folded his hands on his chest. He seemed to go to sleep. P13 9 There was a pause of absolute quiet in the room. The younger man P13 10 leaned forward to see if the chest was still moving. Then he P13 11 realized that his longtime friend was held to life by only a flimsy P13 12 thread. He opened the Bible again and at random read more psalms in P13 13 Spanish. Though he had long feared the moment, when it arrived he P13 14 was very calm. He liked the sound of his voice, the snoozing cats, P13 15 the old arthritic hands clasped in peaceful resignation. The P13 16 Spanish had a rhythm like poetry. There were longer pauses in his P13 17 aged friend's breathing....

P13 18 "That's how it happened," he said. "I P13 19 read him into the promised land. I never knew exactly when he died. P13 20 At one point he opened his eyes and looked at me, and there was a P13 21 twinkle in them. He smiled and said what he always said, when, P13 22 daily, after every visit, I put drops in his aching eyes: P13 23 "Ay, que tino de borracho." I P13 24 guess those were his last words. Even after I realized he was dead, P13 25 I kept reading the psalms in Spanish. He had loved them very much. P13 26 I had been reading to him for three years, almost daily. Finally, I P13 27 stopped and just sat there, listening to the void. Both cats were P13 28 purring. His body must have felt warm to them for a long time after P13 29 because of the electric blanket."

P13 30 "Did you cry?"

P13 31 "No, nothing. I was relieved. It was very peaceful. His P13 32 eyes were shut, but his mouth was wide open. I remembered how he P13 33 used to collect wood together, and he would swing a two-bladed ax P13 34 all afternoon, at eighty-five years, without growing tired. He P13 35 almost never took a sip of water. He remembered when there weren't P13 36 any fences and you could drive a flock of sheep hundreds of miles P13 37 west to Navajoland without encountering private property, barbwire, P13 38 or other impediments. I had long enjoyed that space - vicariously - P13 39 through knowing him."

P13 40 They buried his old man in a small camposanto up P13 41 against the foothills. About a foot of fresh snow lay on the ground P13 42 and powdered the branches of pi<*_>n-tilde<*/>on trees at the edge P13 43 of the cemetery. It was a cold day, clear and sharp as a blade, P13 44 very sunny and without a breath of wind. After the service the P13 45 ushers took off their carnations and placed them on the coffin as P13 46 it was lowered on the green nylon straps. About ten of them stayed P13 47 afterwards to fill in the grave. Shovels were brought from a couple P13 48 of pickups and passed around. People took turns with the P13 49 palas, heaping dirt onto the coffin. A couple of old boys P13 50 in their seventies wore dusty suits and bolo ties and polished P13 51 cowboy boots and weathered Stetsons. The old man's best friend, a P13 52 plump elderly sheepherder recovering from a terrible bout with P13 53 kidney stones, worked up a furious sweat moving the dirt atop his P13 54 longtime companion. In past years the writer had often driven his P13 55 aged amigo over to his man's camp west of the gorge during the P13 56 hija-dero. After the lambs were born, and the P13 57 castrations had taken place, the trasquiladors came down P13 58 from Colorado and sheared the entire flock in three days. As they P13 59 shoveled on the dirt, he recalled how the old man had spent much of P13 60 his youth in the early part of this century tending sheep on the P13 61 surrounding mesas. During his teen years he had been a P13 62 trasquilador, beginning on the ranches in southern P13 63 Arizona in January, and moving north with spring, finally arriving P13 64 to shear Montana sheep in June. He had loved the P13 65 borregas, and was deeply attached to his few friends who P13 66 still ran flocks in the valley. Of course, the herders were dying P13 67 out. In ten more years they would all be gone.

P13 68 After the grave was filled in, the men wandered away, returned P13 69 to their pickups, drove off on the hard-packed snow. One of P13 70 the old man's grandchildren, down from Denver, tried to arrange a P13 71 funeral wreath just so on the mound of earth and stones. And juncos P13 72 disported in the whitened pi<*_>n-tilde<*/>on branches P13 73 nearby, kicking down sprinkles and dusty puffs of snow.

P13 74 Thirteen P13 75 When the weather cleared they went fishing. She was in a P13 76 chipper mood, forging ahead on the path, sashaying back to him, P13 77 giving little shoulder punches, sticking her tongue in his ear, P13 78 whispering naughty propositions. It was about two miles from the P13 79 rim of the gorge down to the river. Large pinecones littered the P13 80 trail; juniper trees were heavy with blue berries. They stopped at P13 81 his favorite giant ponderosa and got a whiff of the bark. It P13 82 smelled strong, like vanilla.

P13 83 The air was warm and languid after the rains. She rubbed P13 84 against him. He fondled her in all the appropriate places. She P13 85 laughed and danced away. "Let's build it up to a fever P13 86 pitch, then go crazy."

P13 87 She galloped ahead, flicking her fingers at feathery Apache P13 88 plume and bright yellow chamisa blossoms. Lizards, P13 89 ignited by her shadow, scampered out of the way. Iridescent purple P13 90 darning needles drifted to and fro.

P13 91 He called her off the trail, and together they climbed about P13 92 twenty feet up onto a ledge used by raptors for an eyrie. He P13 93 explained, "Every spring for the last ten years great P13 94 horned owls have nested here."

P13 95 The rock was littered with tiny bones, owl shit, castings, P13 96 little skulls, pack-rat droppings. In a crevice they found an egg P13 97 that had never hatched back in April. Puffy fledge feathers were P13 98 caught on jagged rocks and in the branches of yellow flowering P13 99 brickellbush. Above their heads on the sheer rock wall were several P13 100 hundred mud nests made by cliff swallows, now empty, of course, and P13 101 silent.

P13 102 They rested a moment, overlooking the gorge. "You have P13 103 all these magic places," she said, growing moody and P13 104 contemplative, opaque. "I envy you."

P13 105 He pointed: "There's a buzzard." Then he told P13 106 her that the birds singing in pi<*_>n-tilde<*/>on trees P13 107 below were Townsend's solitaires.

P13 108 She hooked her hand through his arm and laid her head against P13 109 his shoulder. "Do you love me?" she asked.

P13 110 "Yes ... I love you," he answered.

P13 111 She squeezed him a little, gently.

P13 112 Down by the water, poison ivy had turned a bright crimson. Wild P13 113 milkweed leaves were brilliant yellow. In places, Virginia creeper, P13 114 flamboyantly red, was smothering the branches of ancient cedars. P13 115 Watercress half filled the pool of an arsenic spring that emptied P13 116 into the noisy river.

P13 117 On a small beach where he liked to set up the rods, at least a P13 118 dozen ebony-black tarantula hawks with bright orange wings were P13 119 crawling around in a clump of sawgrass. Several of the wasps, P13 120 caught in a mysterious torpor, lay at the base of the stems or on P13 121 the sand, dying.

P13 122 The more energetic wasps poked and prodded their logy comrades. P13 123 They nudged and dragged and seemed almost to be performing P13 124 artificial respiration. They were indifferent to the nearby P13 125 humans.

P13 126 "What's the matter?" she asked.

P13 127 "I don't know. Some kind of poison? Perhaps it's a P13 128 normal ritual of dying at the end of a season."

P13 129 "Death again: Christ almighty!"

P13 130 "They're beautiful."

P13 131 "To a ghoul. C'mon, let's jam."

P13 132 She grabbed one hand and yanked him upright. He groaned, P13 133 "Oh my aching knees."

P13 134 She whacked his arm. "Stop bitching," she said, P13 135 and laughed. "I hate it when you complain."

P13 136 "I'm old," he protested.

P13 137 "In your brain, numskull. I think your body is P13 138 wonderful!"

P13 139 For almost twenty years he had fished the river, and he knew it P13 140 well. He only used a few simple flies, tied by a friend, and moved P13 141 quickly among the boulders heading upstream. Casting only to trout P13 142 in back eddies or to holding spots behind rocks in midstream, he P13 143 passed up most of the water, which was either too deep or too fast P13 144 for his style. He used a tail fly and one dropper, fished almost on P13 145 the surface, sometimes with a natural drift, or else skittered P13 146 across the water. He danced easily across the massive basalt P13 147 boulders, which were often more than ten feet high and shiny slick P13 148 from the pummelings of roiling springtime runoff. She was more P13 149 uncertain of her balance, and fell behind. "Hey," she P13 150 cried, "you're supposed to be sick and dizzy! Wait P13 151 up!"

P13 152 But on the river he was in a familiar element, and the rhythm P13 153 and momentum were important to his joy. Shadows needed to be on the P13 154 water for fish to strike, which meant he had only two hours before P13 155 dark. So he concentrated wholly on the task at hand, reading water, P13 156 casting quickly several times, then shifting his angle or moving to P13 157 another pool, hopping effortlessly across the boulders.

P13 158 "What happens if you fall?" she asked, catching P13 159 up, breathless and a trifle shaken.

P13 160 "I never think of that," he said. "I'm P13 161 not afraid of anything down here."

P13 162 The water was tinged a faintly green hue. It moved fast, P13 163 splashing against numerous boulders, roaring loudly so they had to P13 164 shout to hear each other. But once into it he became all P13 165 concentration and quit talking. He always checked out pockets on P13 166 the near shore first, flicking his small badger flies across the P13 167 back eddies and any quiet and shallow water behind a rock, or into P13 168 crevices where foam had gathered. Then he climbed onto the higher P13 169 outposts of stone and cast across-stream with a precision she found P13 170 remarkable. He could land a fly exactly at the base of rocks on the P13 171 opposite shore, and more often than not a fish struck instantly as P13 172 the current grabbed his line. He missed the first two hits, but P13 173 hooked a brown trout on the third. It went into the air once and P13 174 then swooped downriver in fast, splashing water. He doubled back P13 175 downstream past the girl and worked the fish quickly into a quieter P13 176 pool, then guided it to his net. She came over as he removed the P13 177 hook, then held the foot-long trout beneath the surface, moving it P13 178 forward and back, running water through the gills. When he let go, P13 179 the fish slipped sideways, caught by the current, and was sucked P13 180 into turbulent darkness.

P13 181 She said, "You're good at this, aren't you?"

P13 182 "If the conditions are right for my style, yes, I'm P13 183 good at it. If conditions are bad, I'm a total flop. I hate to add P13 184 weight for nymphing."

P13 185 In the next forty-five minutes he landed and released over a P13 186 dozen fish; the largest was about fifteen inches. She left him P13 187 alone to enjoy his evening. His rhythm was fast and precise and P13 188 fanatical. In almost the same motion that he released a fish he P13 189 would straighten up and be casting again. He almost never stopped P13 190 advancing. Every cast was directly aimed at a specific quarry, and P13 191 almost always the cast triggered a strike. He failed to set the P13 192 hook at least half the time, not from being slow, but because he P13 193 was overeager - too fast. He laughed each time he failed, and moved P13 194 on to the next position.

P13 195 She had a hard time scrambling over enormous boulders, keeping P13 196 up. The river banged, hissed, and splashed. Often as not he was P13 197 silhouetted against angry spindrift, arm pumping, working that P13 198 skinny line into a perfect cast. He felt absolutely comfortable, P13 199 happy, on top of the world. And he had no idea if the girl was P13 200 still behind him.

P13 201 Shortly before dark the river went dead. He cast for another P13 202 five minutes, just to be certain, then leaned against an enormous P13 203 basalt slab and sighed deeply. P13 204 P13 205 P14 1 <#FROWN:P14\>Thinking about what had happened - not that being held P14 2 gently in a warm , loving embrace was all that much - she smiled P14 3 slightly. Putting the memory away, she asked, "Now, what is P14 4 the problem?"

P14 5 "You were going along the Brighton road."

P14 6 Ah. Not the journey home.

P14 7 "Helen, you know -"

P14 8 "We visited the orphanage," she interrupted.

P14 9 His mouth open, he stared. Then, more quietly, "The P14 10 orphanage?"

P14 11 "Sec wished to see one of my projects in P14 12 detail."

P14 13 "Couldn't you have taken Miss Alcester along for P14 14 propriety?"

P14 15 "I suppose we could. Neither of us thought of it. John, P14 16 it isn't as if I were seventeen and he a rogue." She P14 17 watched him for a few more moments. "Is that your only P14 18 objection?"

P14 19 "You know it is not." He took the few steps to P14 20 the windows and back, a frown creasing his brow. "You know P14 21 I don't trust the man." His scowl softened, and his eyes P14 22 begged her to understand. "I fear for your future if it P14 23 becomes entangled with his."

P14 24 "John, I am four and thirty years old."

P14 25 "Helen, you are my sister," he said, mimicking P14 26 her tone, his manner joking but his eyes serious.

P14 27 She chuckled. "Will you allow that I do very well P14 28 organizing and running my charities? All of them? That I don't P14 29 become flustered when faced with a complicated situation? That I P14 30 understand how to use money and how my fortune is invested and that P14 31 I watch any changes made in those investments?"

P14 32 "Helen ..."

P14 33 "I am not a child, John. I will not hand my capital to P14 34 a fortune hunter and allow my projects to die. And, leaving aside P14 35 the money, I often think I am better fitted to understand other P14 36 people and deal with my emotions than you are with P14 37 yours."

P14 38 A wary look crossed John's face. "Well, if you say it P14 39 was an open carriage...."

P14 40 "Running away, John? It's all right to berate me about P14 41 mistakes you think I make, but I may not tell you that your P14 42 hermitlike existence is wrong? You interfere in my life, but I may P14 43 not object to yours?"

P14 44 "Oh, well, if you think I should get out and about P14 45 more."

P14 46 "John, why are you so unwilling to spend time among P14 47 your peers?"

P14 48 A grimace of distaste crossed John's face. "You truly P14 49 don't wish to know. Besides, it is but a mishmash of little things. P14 50 The women's shrill affected laughter; unmarried women's inane and P14 51 flirtatious ways; deep doings at the club - too often by those who P14 52 can least afford it." He shrugged. "Things I don't P14 53 like and have ceased, therefore, to have to do with them." P14 54 She continued to stare at him. "Helen, I come to London P14 55 spring and fall to see my tailor and bootmaker. I check, then, with P14 56 our solicitor so he need not come down here as he does, if needed, P14 57 the rest of the year. I attend a few parties and see a few P14 58 friends." He shrugged. "What more do you want of P14 59 me?"

P14 60 "Find a wife," said Helen promptly. P14 61 "You've turned thirty. You don't live the sporting life as P14 62 do so many of your contemporaries and you've no desire to travel. P14 63 You love your estate and spend a deal of time caring for it. Surely P14 64 you wish a son to whom you may leave it." She watched his P14 65 growing unease. "Get you a wife, brother mine."

P14 66 John stared out into the garden. "It has crossed my P14 67 mind."

P14 68 "Any w-w-woman in particular?" asked Helen, her P14 69 tone verging on the bright social voice she adopted when P14 70 embarrassed. When wishing to turn John's thoughts from her future, P14 71 it hadn't occurred to her she'd do more than irritate him. Now she P14 72 wondered where the conversation might be headed. He didn't respond, P14 73 just stared. "John?" she asked, worried now. He turned, P14 74 seemingly undecided. "Can I help? Have I been b-b-blind? Is P14 75 it that you've fallen in love with someone who is t-t-tied to P14 76 another?"

P14 77 "Nothing like that. I just can't quite make up my mind P14 78 whether ..." He hesitated, opened his mouth to speak, but P14 79 closed it. Finally, he said, "Helen, when I decide to wed, P14 80 you'll be among the very first to know." He walked to the P14 81 door. Exiting, he closed it softly behind him. Helen was still P14 82 staring at it when he stuck his head back in. "Sneaky P14 83 Helen. Just like when we were in the nursery. Will you someday P14 84 explain to me how it is that when it is you who are at fault, we P14 85 somehow manage to end up discussing my faults?"

P14 86 He ducked back out before she could do more than open her eyes P14 87 wide. Helen turned back to her work, chuckling softly. He was P14 88 right, of course, although it had taken him a very long time to see P14 89 it. She'd always used the ploy, and quite successfully, too. Helen P14 90 raised her pen, her eyes focused on the picture hanging behind her P14 91 desk. It had occurred to her he was less likely to be tricked by P14 92 such maneuvers in future. She'd have to think up something else! P14 93 Helen bent to her writing, only to look up with an impish grin a P14 94 moment or two later. The next time John complained about P14 95 Secundus, she'd send him to complain to Secundus. That would P14 96 fix him.

P14 97 The day of the party dawned with that odd summer haze which P14 98 told the weather-wise it would grow bright and warm. Lucy, P14 99 realizing it at an early hour, also realized she'd forgotten to P14 100 give Ruth the parasol which went with the dress. She rang for her P14 101 maid. With the connivance of various servants, Lucy was soon P14 102 mounted on her favorite hack and jogging along the lanes to the P14 103 Alcesters'. She arrived just as Robert exited the front door.

P14 104 "Lucy!" A flustered look crossed Rob's face. P14 105 "Miss Chalmers, I mean."

P14 106 She smiled down at him. "You meant no such thing, did P14 107 you, Robert?" It was the first time he'd used her name to P14 108 her face and she reveled in it, although using that as an excuse to P14 109 say his was pure self-indulgence. "Now help me down, P14 110 please. I must take this to Ruth and return home P14 111 immediately."

P14 112 He automatically reached for her waist, set her on her feet, P14 113 but couldn't bring himself to let her go. "Lucy ..."

P14 114 "I know. I know, Robert." They stared at each P14 115 other for a long moment.

P14 116 Peter appeared in the impetuous manner of his youth and slammed P14 117 to a halt. He came down the steps to the drive in a more P14 118 gentlemanly fashion and bowed. "Miss Chalmers? Are your P14 119 going with us to the party?"

P14 120 Lucy forced her gaze from her love's, irritated by the P14 121 interruption to a rare moment when Robert allowed himself to admit P14 122 his affection for her. She took a second look. "Peter. Why, P14 123 how smart you are. A regular tulip."

P14 124 The boy blushed, a red tide rolling up his neck and into his P14 125 ears. "No such thing!"

P14 126 "Quite right," Lucy said with the seriousness P14 127 the situation demanded. "A tulip would demand more in the P14 128 way of dash when it came to waistcoats, would he not?" P14 129 Peter still scowled. "But I shouldn't tease you. You look P14 130 very well, Peter."

P14 131 Robert took mercy on his brother's embarrassment. "You P14 132 came to see Ruth, Miss Chalmers? Shall I send up to P14 133 her?"

P14 134 "She's in her room? I'll join her there." Lucy P14 135 wasn't ten minutes with Ruth - just long enough to give a bit of P14 136 advice about her hair - before tripping down the stairs into the P14 137 hall. There, instead of Robert whom she'd hoped to see again, she P14 138 came face-to-face with Paulo. She grasped the newel and blinked.

P14 139 "Good day." Paulo bowed deeply. "You P14 140 have been visiting Miss Alcester?"

P14 141 "Yes." Lucy looked around, wishing someone would P14 142 come.

P14 143 Paulo's teeth flashed in an understanding smile. "The P14 144 family is occupied elsewhere, so I must introduce myself. I am, P14 145 Miss Chalmers, Paulo da Silva. May I escort you to your P14 146 steed?"

P14 147 "You know me?"

P14 148 "Young Peter said you were here." Paulo crooked P14 149 his arm, and Lucy placed trembling fingers on it. "Is it P14 150 true you and Mr. Robert wish to wed, but are forbidden to do P14 151 so?" he asked politely.

P14 152 Lucy stiffened. How dare he ask such personal questions? She P14 153 hadn't a notion how to answer.

P14 154 He said, "I've embarrassed you, have I not? You must P14 155 forgive me. I have yet to learn just what one may speak of openly P14 156 and when one must creep around corners on tippytoes merely touching P14 157 on the subject."

P14 158 Paulo helped Lucy up into her saddle. She hooked her knee P14 159 firmly and settled her skirts. Then she really looked at Paulo. She P14 160 saw a kind face and dark, warm eyes. She couldn't help but smile P14 161 back when he smiled at her. Impulsively, she held her hand down to P14 162 him, and he grasped it. "It is a very private and personal P14 163 matter, sir, but I'll answer you because I believe you wish us P14 164 well. Robert and I would like to marry, but at the moment there are P14 165 difficulties. We'll come about in the end. I'm sure of P14 166 it."

P14 167 "Your father wishes you to marry well?"

P14 168 She sighed. "I'm sure it is the way of all fathers. P14 169 Good day."

P14 170 Paulo watched her go before searching out Secundus. P14 171 "She is a nice little thing," he said. Sec looked P14 172 blank. "Robert's Miss Chalmers. She would very well for P14 173 him, I think."

P14 174 "You do, do you?"

P14 175 "I think her father is not aware of all the P14 176 ramifications" - Paulo rolled the word off his tongue with P14 177 a touch of justified pride - "of marrying into the honored P14 178 family of the elder Alcester. He forbids the match."

P14 179 "He does, does he?" Sec looked up from the P14 180 letter he'd been doing his best to decipher. "Robert isn't P14 181 good enough for his little girl?"

P14 182 "It is not, I believe, that Robert isn't good enough P14 183 for a precious daughter. It's more that he is not wealthy P14 184 enough."

P14 185 "Paulo, you're a cynical soul." Sec's eyes P14 186 narrowed, and the cynicism sounded in his voice. "Surely P14 187 Chalmers wouldn't blight love's young joy for the want of a few P14 188 pounds in the three percents?"

P14 189 "But it seems that he would, oh honored second P14 190 son."

P14 191 "Then," sighed Secundus, "I suppose I'd best go P14 192 about setting up the trusts for my relatives. If I read this P14 193 rightly" - he waved the letter - "I must go to P14 194 London anyway. You've been asking about the London office. Now you P14 195 may see for yourself why I'll find it a dead bore."

P14 196 "Often and often we've discovered that what you find a P14 197 bore I find quite interesting," soothed Paulo. P14 198 "Perhaps this is another such case."

P14 199 Secundus studied Paulo's face. It was perfectly bland, the eyes P14 200 steady and giving nothing away, but Secundus's suspicions were P14 201 roused. "Hmmm." Paulo's teeth flashed in a grin. P14 202 "Hmmhumm. I see." Paulo tipped his head, P14 203 questioningly. "Well, perhaps I see ... Poor P14 204 Gubby," Sec added, his eyes twinkling. "He arrives P14 205 today and we must tell him we leave for London one day very soon. P14 206 The man will be quite bewildered by such antics."

P14 207 "You may tell him you require him to be responsible for P14 208 your family while we are gone."

P14 209 "Perhaps I will just to see his look of horror. What P14 210 fun." Secundus handed Paulo the letter. "See what P14 211 you make of those hen scratches. I can't read the half of P14 212 it." They reached a conclusion concerning the business just P14 213 as the forecourt filled with such racket it drew them into the P14 214 hall.

P14 215 Sir Augustus Falconer had arrived. He drove a curricle, with a P14 216 tiger on the step. Following, was a closed carriage from which an P14 217 upper servant descended, his nose quite out of joint at the lack of P14 218 pretension in the house to which they'd come. Then came a more P14 219 serviceable carriage for the baggage. Behind that was a long dray P14 220 pulled by six sturdy beasts and filled to capacity with boxes and P14 221 bundles of all shapes and sizes. Secundus took one look and doubled P14 222 over laughing. He controlled himself, took another look, and, P14 223 weakened by more laughter, turned to lean against the door P14 224 frame.

P14 225 P15 1 <#FROWN:P15\>Noel turned to Lydia. "Since we didn't P15 2 have any warning, I'm going to need time to get things ready for P15 3 you in the office." She headed out of the room.

P15 4 Kate looked at Lydia. "What's this about not knowing I P15 5 was coming? Didn't Rebecca call you?

P15 6 "No," Lydia said.

P15 7 Kate shook her head. "I don't believe this. I was told P15 8 Rebecca had set everything up."

P15 9 "That's some company you work for," Lydia P15 10 observed. "Are you going to last? I don't want to get P15 11 involved with this book again if you're not going to be around to P15 12 see it through."

P15 13 "I've been there twelve years," Kate said. P15 14 "I'm not going to leave now."

P15 15 Lydia smiled. "Okay, it's a deal. It's not my style to P15 16 leave something unfinished. Gracia - see if Kate would like P15 17 anything. I'll be back in a minute."

P15 18 As soon as Lydia was out of earshot, Gracia turned to Kate. P15 19 "Oh, Se<*_>n-tilde<*/>orita Weston, I am so glad you have P15 20 come! The Se<*_>n-tilde<*/>ora has been working on the book for P15 21 such a long time and it has made her so unhappy."

P15 22 Kate smiled. "I can see how it could be P15 23 discouraging," she said.

P15 24 "Gary - Se<*_>n-tilde<*/>or Steiner," Gracia P15 25 continued, "has known the Se<*_>n-tilde<*/>ora a great many P15 26 years. He writes the Se<*_>n-tilde<*/>ora's show and is very P15 27 talented. He wants to help her. I wrote down his telephone P15 28 number." She pulled a slip of paper from her pocket.

P15 29 "Thank you," Kate said, "this is P15 30 helpful."

P15 31 The next moment, Noel and Lydia reentered the room, and Gracia P15 32 left.

P15 33 While Kate waited patiently, Noel and Lydia began to go over P15 34 Lydia's appointments for the coming weeks. Then there was a loud P15 35 buzzer-like noise in the kitchen. Lydia looked in that direction P15 36 and frowned, waiting.

P15 37 A moment later, Gracia came out and grimaced. "It is P15 38 Mr. Mortimer Pallsner. He is here," she said.

P15 39 "He says it is an emergency, P15 40 Se<*_>n-tilde<*/>ora."

P15 41 "Mort?" Noel exclaimed. "Why is he P15 42 here?"

P15 43 Lydia turned to Noel. "Noel," she said, "you P15 44 are to take Kate upstairs and you are not - under any circumstances P15 45 - to come back down until he leaves. Do you understand P15 46 me?"

P15 47 Noel nodded.

P15 48 "Kate," Lydia said, turning to her. "You are to P15 49 go upstairs with Noel - and under no circumstances are you to allow P15 50 her to come downstairs until he's gone. Do you P15 51 understand?"

P15 52 "Not in the least," Kate said, "but P15 53 I'll do it."

P15 54 "Oh, baby," Noel said, smiling, walking over P15 55 and picking up Kate's briefcase for her, "but you do learn P15 56 fast."

P15 57 "Who's Mort?" Kate asked, as they went P15 58 upstairs.

P15 59 "The executive producer of Cassandra's P15 60 World," Noel replied, leading Kate to a large room P15 61 that was surprisingly cozy, with a double bed, desk, couch, and by P15 62 the window, a little tea table for two.

P15 63 Since she was alone with Noel, Kate took the opportunity to P15 64 grill her about Lydia for the book. Did she have a special diet?

P15 65 No, Lydia had a basic food plan. Junk food, soda pop, caffeine, P15 66 white sugar didn't exist in Lydia's world. You could wave a candy P15 67 bar in her face and she wouldn't see it.

P15 68 How much did Lydia sleep?

P15 69 On her own, at least eight hours. When she was working, P15 70 sometimes as little as four.

P15 71 Did Lydia color her hair?

P15 72 A few highlights.

P15 73 Did Lydia work out?

P15 74 Did she!

P15 75 Noel led Kate down the hall to a tremendous exercise room with P15 76 every exercise machine Kate had ever seen.

P15 77 "She works out at least an hour every day," P15 78 Noel said, "most often two." She stopped suddenly, P15 79 cocking her head.

P15 80 For a moment, Kate couldn't hear anything. And then, from the P15 81 front hall, she heard Lydia say, "Mort, the door is this P15 82 way." Then she heard a loud smack.

P15 83 "Lydia hit him!" Noel whispered with glee.

P15 84 "Thanks again for stopping by, Mort," Kate P15 85 heard Lydia say, and the front door slammed so hard Kate could feel P15 86 the floor shake.

P15 87 Mark Fiducia had been astonished when Sarah ran into his office P15 88 to say that Lydia Southland was on the phone, demanding to talk to P15 89 someone other than Rebecca about Kate.

P15 90 "Is this Mark Faith and Trust?" she had P15 91 said.

P15 92 "Excuse me?" Mark said.

P15 93 "Isn't that what Fiducia means, in Italian?" P15 94 she said.

P15 95 He laughed. "Yes, yes, it does."

P15 96 "Okay," she said then, "enough chitchat. Tell P15 97 me about Kate Weston."

P15 98 "She's the best, Ms. Southland," Mark was quick P15 99 to say. "I'd choose her over any editor in town. She also P15 100 knows how the house has messed up with your manuscript - that's why P15 101 she's there."

P15 102 Lydia laughed. "I like you, Mr. Faith and P15 103 Trust," she said. "Thank you."

P15 104 Now Kate had been gone only a day and Mark was already bored. P15 105 There was no one to overhear on the phone saying, "You may P15 106 speak to me that way, but you are never, ever to speak to any P15 107 secretary of this company in that tone of voice again. They work P15 108 hard for next to nothing, so pick on someone your own P15 109 size!" Then there would be a burst of laughter from Kate P15 110 and, "Exactly! I don't want her job, you don't P15 111 want her job, so don't convince her that she doesn't want it. P15 112 Somebody has to answer the phone!" A breath, then, P15 113 "Now, about your latest brilliant book ..."

P15 114 Oh, Kate, Mark thought, we need you. With P15 115 Kate away, there was no one to come into his office, close the door P15 116 and collapse on the floor, declaring that her love life would kill P15 117 her for sure. Mark loved it because then he could see that Kate was P15 118 less than the perfect person he otherwise thought she was. Take P15 119 Harris Pondfield, her current boyfriend, and her struggle about P15 120 whether or not to marry him. The complaints Kate made about him P15 121 were almost identical to the ones she'd made about all her previous P15 122 boyfriends. She always dated stuffed shirts, and yet she never saw P15 123 the correlation. It seemed incredible to Mark.

P15 124 Of course, Mark was hardly in a position to judge the way Kate P15 125 conducted her love life. His wife had left him the past year - for P15 126 a wealthy Wall Street broker. Afterward, Mark had been a total P15 127 mess.

P15 128 He'd gotten through it only because of Kate. She listened to P15 129 his bitter, rage-filled rantings. She called him at home to make P15 130 sure he ate. She gave him encouragement to believe in himself P15 131 again. "Now you're free to be who you are," she P15 132 said. "You don't have to dress to please anyone but P15 133 yourself anymore."

P15 134 He had always made himself look the way his wife had P15 135 wanted him to. So, with Kate's support, he stopped the torture of P15 136 shaving twice a day and let his beard grow. He put his contact P15 137 lenses away and was fitted for the kind of horn-rimmed glasses he'd P15 138 always preferred. And he left the suits his wife had liked in the P15 139 closet and went shopping for tweed jackets.

P15 140 Depression about their personal lives was part of what had P15 141 drawn Mark and Kate so close - and the fact that they were two P15 142 talented editors working at a company that seemed to be falling P15 143 down around their ears. Mark could stand it as long as Kate was P15 144 there. He didn't know how long he could last without her.

P15 145 "Excuse me ... Mark?"

P15 146 He looked up to see Sarah standing in the doorway. He checked P15 147 his watch. "You should get going," he said. P15 148 "It's late."

P15 149 "I'm going in a few minutes," Sarah said, P15 150 "but I just talked to Kate and I thought you'd like to know P15 151 that everything's going well with Lydia Southland now."

P15 152 "Great," he said.

P15 153 "So well, in fact," Sarah said, "she's P15 154 becoming a part of Lydia's entourage. They're on their way to the P15 155 studio as we speak."

P15 156 At the studio, Lydia explained to Kate, they would be P15 157 reshooting the final scenes of the Calamity Jane episode, the P15 158 cliff-hanger to end the season.

P15 159 The car stopped in front of a large trailer and a good-looking P15 160 man in his early forties came out to meet them.

P15 161 "There's Gary," Noel said.

P15 162 Lydia smiled. "Hi," she said when he opened the door P15 163 for her.

P15 164 "Hi, Lyddie." He kissed her on the cheek as she P15 165 got out then looked a bit startled when Kate emerged behind P15 166 Noel.

P15 167 "My new editor," Lydia said, "Kate P15 168 Weston, this is Gary Steiner, our head writer."

P15 169 Ah, ha. The man Gracia had urged Kate to see about P15 170 Lydia's book.

P15 171 "Kate, it's wonderful to meet you," he said, P15 172 shaking her hand. He had warm brown eyes and wavy brown hair.

P15 173 "Nice to meet you too," she said. Under her P15 174 breath, she added, "Gracia said you might be interested in P15 175 helping on the book."

P15 176 "Somebody had better," he whispered back. P15 177 "It's awful."

P15 178 Lydia swung into work at once, and Kate was amazed at the pace P15 179 she set. By the middle of the evening, after listening to Gary and P15 180 Lydia go over line changes, meeting the producers and the rest of P15 181 the crew, and watching the filming of several scenes, Kate was P15 182 starting to fade - until they called a dinner break.

P15 183 She helped herself to portions of everything on the buffet P15 184 table. Then she noticed Lydia's plate, which had a little tossed P15 185 salad on it. She looked up and found Lydia smiling at her.

P15 186 "I don't like to eat after six-thirty," the P15 187 actress said. "I'm never sure if I'll be up late enough to P15 188 burn it off."

P15 189 Oh. Another reason Lydia looked the way she did. Kate made P15 190 a note of it.

P15 191 "So how do you like the world of an actress?" P15 192 Lydia asked Kate around midnight, yawning, pulling off her cowboy P15 193 boots in the back of the car.

P15 194 "I wonder how you do it," Kate said.

P15 195 "I am paid very well to do it."

P15 196 "But none of this is in your autobiography," P15 197 Kate said. "You say next to nothing about what your work is P15 198 like."

P15 199 "The only thing any other editor has cared P15 200 about," Noel said, "is juicy gossip: Who were the P15 201 men in Lydia's life? Who's on drugs? Who stole from whom? You know, P15 202 the usual."

P15 203 Kate looked at Lydia. "Is that true?"

P15 204 Lydia nodded.

P15 205 "Do you want to write about your work?"

P15 206 "Of course," Lydia said, exasperated, P15 207 "but I've had those nincompoops to deal with and we never P15 208 got anywhere."

P15 209 "Oh, Lydia," Noel said, "you got P15 210 somewhere - you managed to trash everybody in town." Noel P15 211 turned to Kate. "And she thinks she's going to walk on two P15 212 legs after the book comes out."

P15 213 "How will you be able to work with people after P15 214 all the things you have written about them," Kate asked.

P15 215 Lydia sighed. "This fall will be my last season - and P15 216 then I retire. Good-bye public life ... and good P15 217 riddance."

P15 218 Kate looked at Noel.

P15 219 "Bummer, isn't it?" Noel said. "But as P15 220 you overheard at the house earlier, Mort Pallsner didn't like the P15 221 news either."

P15 222 Ah, Kate thought, that explained the mystery of the P15 223 slammed door.

P15 224 "I don't know what to think," Kate said to Mark P15 225 on the telephone from her hotel room the next morning. P15 226 "I've known Lydia less than eighteen hours and I've never P15 227 been so confused in my life. She says she wants to write the book, P15 228 she never wanted to write the book, she loves acting, she hates P15 229 acting, she's leaving the show - I don't know what to make of P15 230 it!"

P15 231 Mark was laughing, and Kate knew exactly how he looked; hair a P15 232 little messy, tie loose. She smiled at the image. She missed P15 233 him.

P15 234 "Rebecca's moving forward and selling the book as if a P15 235 manuscript has already been delivered," Mark said.

P15 236 She would. So if Kate failed to bring the book back P15 237 it would be disaster for B,F&C - and for Kate.

P15 238 The other line on her phone was ringing. She said a quick P15 239 good-bye to Mark and answered it, just as someone knocked on her P15 240 door.

P15 241 "Hi, honey," Harris Pondfield said.

P15 242 Kate could visualize how Harris would look this morning too; P15 243 gray banker's suit, pale blue shirt, blue and gray tie. As he P15 244 talked to her on his speaker phone, he would be taking off his P15 245 jacket and hanging it up. P15 246 P16 1 <#FROWN:P16\>Destiny P16 2 He's far too young for her. He's silly. But he's sexy. And if P16 3 he keeps insisting on being Mr. Right, she might have to take him P16 4 seriously.

P16 5 You're feeling old as you deliver your talk to the college P16 6 physics class. Old and jaded. You look out over the rows of eager P16 7 young faces, thinking of how much you remind yourself of all the P16 8 other women you know in their midthirties. You pretend to be more P16 9 cheerful than you actually are. You talk about aerobics more than P16 10 you do it and dress a lot younger than you ought to. You're someone P16 11 these students would never understand.

P16 12 The talk you're giving is part of a career seminar - really, a P16 13 sales pitch for cheap labor for the company you work for. P16 14 Afterward, one of the boys in the class approaches you - David. He P16 15 says hello with a self-assured grin. His perfect adolescent body P16 16 towers over yours. You watch the arteries pulse in his neck. P16 17 Eloquent, he says of your speech. As he talks, he blushes. He is P16 18 impressed with your wit and your intelligence. Would you like to go P16 19 out for pizza?

P16 20 You have to get back to work, approve some press releases, P16 21 answer your phone messages. "Sure," you say. "I'd P16 22 love to." David seems so genuine, so unblemished, and you P16 23 like the idea of just sitting and talking for a while with someone P16 24 who isn't suspicious of you. You want to believe all men started P16 25 out this way.

P16 26 AT THE PIZZA PARLOR, you watch David eat, cramming piece after P16 27 piece into his mouth as fast as he can. It is awesome to you that a P16 28 person can be so immersed in eating. You have the feeling that he P16 29 is not only hungry but driven, as though he would eat anything.

P16 30 You sip on your soda as he continues his attack. He orders P16 31 another shake. Occasionally, his eyes move up from the plate, in P16 32 deference to your presence. "You bored?" he P16 33 says.

P16 34 "No," you say.

P16 35 He shrugs his shoulders, smiling as he finishes the last piece, P16 36 wipes his mouth with several small paper napkins. Folding his hands P16 37 in front of him, he looks at you with new interest, as though you P16 38 have just arrived. He looks at you like you are food.

P16 39 It's then that you invite him over for dinner. This seems P16 40 innocent enough. You just want to watch him eat again, marvel at P16 41 the passion of it.

P16 42 It's innocent until after dinner, when you find yourself on his P16 43 lap and he's kissing you like you're the next course, which is P16 44 suddenly just what you want to be.

P16 45 So you invite him to sleep over. Your relationship with guilt P16 46 is of the all-or-nothing variety, so if you're going to feel guilty P16 47 anyway, as you know you are, then you might as well get something P16 48 out of it.

P16 49 In the morning you ask him how old he is. Eighteen, he says. P16 50 Eighteen, to your thirty-six. You were hoping for twenty-one. Not P16 51 that this would make much of a difference, except that now you're P16 52 wondering if you could actually go to jail.

P16 53 In an effort to encourage him to see this as a one-night stand, P16 54 you make some comment about those lucky college girls he goes to P16 55 school with. You sound more awkward than you'd hoped, so you keep P16 56 talking. You tell him about your marriage - how it lasted just a P16 57 few scant months, how you no longer trust romance. You've been P16 58 divorced longer than you were even married.

P16 59 "Listen," he interrupts, "I know what you're P16 60 getting at. But I'm not that kind of a guy. I mean, I fall in love P16 61 with someone and that's it. No more college girls for P16 62 me."

P16 63 You understand that he is confused, that it is sex he's in love P16 64 with, not you. But the more you think about this, the more confused P16 65 you become. You want to see him again - just one more time, you P16 66 tell yourself - and you begin to feel the overwhelming need to P16 67 confess.

P16 68 You choose the receptionist at work - Lisa, another P16 69 eighteen-year-old. She, too, is sweet and pure, and she owes you - P16 70 you're keeping her from getting fired.

P16 71 You whisper the story of your escapade to her in a corner of P16 72 the coffee room, watch her tiny features assume a grave and P16 73 grown-up expression.

P16 74 "Maybe this will be good for you, Cynthia," she P16 75 says. "Maybe this will mellow you out."

P16 76 She's missed your point entirely, how you've so shamelessly P16 77 acted out a fantasy that can't possibly continue. You begin to P16 78 wonder if she isn't really as incompetent as everyone else seems to P16 79 think, but you can't think of any appropriate response, so you P16 80 thank her and smile in an awkward sort of way, feeling very much P16 81 like an adolescent yourself.

P16 82 BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, you've got David's dirty socks and P16 83 underwear in your laundry hamper. He apologizes, but keeps P16 84 forgetting to take them with him. The Pop-Tarts he eats for P16 85 breakfast are out on your kitchen counter.

P16 86 You're always buying the wine for dinner because David's not P16 87 old enough to buy it himself. He's not used to drinking it yet P16 88 either, so when he does, his face flushes and he says things like, P16 89 "True love never dies."

P16 90 This embarrasses you and you tell him to stop, that he's just P16 91 deluding himself. Of course, he doesn't believe you.

P16 92 "DO YOU LOVE ME?" David's been asking you. P16 93 Love? Well, maybe you do. Or could. You do, after all, have a lot P16 94 in common. You both read, and so what if he's reading Ulysses P16 95 while you're on Jackie Collins.

P16 96 He is smarter than you. You can't even remember all the names P16 97 of his scholarships and awards. So it flatters you that he wants P16 98 you anyway, that he wants you all the time.

P16 99 Once, before dinner, he said you were the first truly P16 100 passionate woman he'd ever known, and then he looked at you in a P16 101 way that made you feel like hot pie filling oozing out the seams of P16 102 the crust. The hell with dinner, you thought. What could P16 103 food possibly mean in the face of such passion? So you led him into P16 104 the bedroom, both of you groping in the dark.

P16 105 It intrigues you that someone can be so interested, make you P16 106 feel so much younger than you are. It is the way you always wished P16 107 you could have felt when you were really as young as you feel P16 108 now.

P16 109 You realize that you're becoming exactly what you used to P16 110 complain about most in men. They had one-track minds, their P16 111 interest stopped where your neck began. You don't care about P16 112 David's brilliant mind, at least not in comparison to the rest of P16 113 him. You feel as though you're using him to satisfy something P16 114 insatiable. You wonder if you'll start thinking about him the same P16 115 way you think about your job. You're overpaid, so it keeps you P16 116 there, in a place you'd rather not be.

P16 117 ONE AFTERNOON David says he wants to have a serious talk. P16 118 Great, you say, they're your favorite kind. He looks at you with an P16 119 expression of longing that makes you want to roll your eyes and P16 120 laugh. You don't know exactly what he's going to say, but already P16 121 you're trivializing it, you realize, the same way men have so often P16 122 trivialized you and your serious talks.

P16 123 He's making you dinner, at your apartment, before the talk. He P16 124 says it's going to be gourmet.

P16 125 It's spaghetti, with some kind of clear garlic sauce and P16 126 broccoli, pineapple, and raisins on top. For dessert, there's lime P16 127 Jell-O with Chinese pea pods and artichoke hearts. "I've P16 128 always wanted to try something different with Jell-O," he P16 129 says, scooping a large lump of it onto your plate. He watches you P16 130 as you eat it.

P16 131 You can't believe how many bowls and pans he's gone through, P16 132 the dirty spoons sticking to the counters, the stovetop freckled P16 133 with grease. The kitchen never looks this way when you cook. You're P16 134 a wiper, a cleaner-as-you-go, an everything-in-its-place kind of P16 135 person.

P16 136 David says he wants to talk about the future. He tells you he's P16 137 not like any of those men you're always complaining about. He P16 138 doesn't need to be in control or to argue with you. He can talk P16 139 about his feelings. Ask him anything, he says, anything at all P16 140 about his feelings and he'll tell you.

P16 141 But you already know what his feelings are. It's yours that P16 142 nobody's talking about. Right now you have only one feeling - fear P16 143 - which you're going to keep to yourself and hope that it goes P16 144 away.

P16 145 He's not one of those men who expects to be taken care of, he P16 146 continues. When he moves in with you, he'll cook and he'll clean P16 147 and you'll have a lot less work on your hands than you do right P16 148 now.

P16 149 Fear is not strong enough for what you're feeling now. You tell P16 150 him he's not moving in, that he's too young to know what he really P16 151 wants.

P16 152 Don't underestimate him, he says; he's probably the only man P16 153 you've ever known who really appreciates you.

P16 154 Maybe he's right, you think, but you don't say that. P16 155 His momentum seems large enough on its own.

P16 156 He says he's going back to his dorm room. When you kiss him P16 157 good-bye, his neck smells like soap. His skin is smooth, P16 158 unblemished. He kisses your eyes. You're aware of the webbing of P16 159 lines around them, and that he must see it, too, and you're P16 160 wondering if he is trying to kiss it away, to somehow wish you P16 161 younger.

P16 162 You turn off the lights and get into bed, but the streetlight P16 163 leaks in. You can see a pair of David's socks balled up on the P16 164 floor and there's one of his physics demonstrations on your P16 165 bookshelf - a spoon and a fork clamped together, suspended on a P16 166 matchstick on the rim of a glass. It looks impossible, as though P16 167 there is some kind of magic involved. But it's just physics, he's P16 168 said, a demonstration of the center of gravity. He's explained to P16 169 you why the sky is blue, why gravity makes you shrink. The room P16 170 seems filled with him, even though he's gone. You're afraid of P16 171 closing your eyes, afraid of losing him if you do.

P16 172 AT HOME THAT EVENING, David asks if you'd like to meet his P16 173 parents.

P16 174 Of course not. You wouldn't dream of it. In your opinion this P16 175 kind of thing is best kept hidden.

P16 176 Well, his parents are already on their way, somewhere in the P16 177 air between Iowa and Oakland. Do you want to deprive him of seeing P16 178 his parents?

P16 179 No, of course not. See them all you want to, you say. You'll P16 180 stay home for a few weeks. There's a lot on TV you've been P16 181 missing.

P16 182 "Just dinner," he says. "Just one P16 183 dinner."

P16 184 You're not hungry, you say, and probably won't be for a while. P16 185 At least for two weeks, maybe forever.

P16 186 "Coffee, then," he says.

P16 187 "No."

P16 188 "A drink?"

P16 189 HIS PARENTS, Rick and Adelle, are pleasant midwestern people. P16 190 Rick is wearing jeans with Birkenstocks and a short-sleeved shirt P16 191 with parrots on it. Adelle looks crisp in white wash-and-wear. Her P16 192 auburn hair is parted in the middle, blunt cut at chin length. You P16 193 keep staring at the hair, inspecting it for gray, hoping she is P16 194 older than you.

P16 195 No one is saying much. "Highball?" Rick says, P16 196 unmistakably to you. "Oh, come on, have one. It's on P16 197 me."

P16 198 "Maybe a little later," you tell him, conscious P16 199 of trying to smile sweetly, like someone much younger might P16 200 smile.

P16 201 You're not sure how much later it is that the room is swimming P16 202 before your eyes. David's father has been talking to you about the P16 203 sixties, when there was so much peace and love and freedom, that P16 204 'anything goes' kind of feeling. You suppose he's trying to tell P16 205 you that he accepts you, that it's all right with him that you've P16 206 deflowered his son.

P16 207 Adelle is starting to look rumpled. There's a tuft of hair P16 208 falling the wrong way across her part. P16 209 P17 1 <#FROWN:P17\>The Stranger's Surprise

P17 2 None of them would ever forget the outcome of this unusual P17 3 man's Christmas Eve visit.

P17 4 By Ilse Stanley

P17 5 "All set, Mr. Harris," said the garage P17 6 attendant, closing the door of the car. "Merry P17 7 Christmas!"

P17 8 "Merry Christmas to you, George," said Mike P17 9 Harris, and handed him a generous tip for the occasion.

P17 10 Then he set out for his home on Long Island. He felt pretty P17 11 good. The office party hadn't been too boring and now there was P17 12 nothing to worry about but the possibility that he might have P17 13 forgotten one or two presents for his family. On the back seat was P17 14 a heap of packages. Now let me see, he thought, the P17 15 coat for Mildred was to have been delivered. One - two - yup. I P17 16 think I got everything. And for the children - Well, he knew P17 17 he had bought more than he had intended to buy. But then, Christmas P17 18 wouldn't be Christmas if one bought only the things that one set P17 19 out to buy.

P17 20 Mike Harris drove along the East Side Franklin Roosevelt Drive P17 21 toward the Triborough Bridge. Lucky, he thought, just P17 22 beat the traffic by half an hour. On the bridge, he stayed in P17 23 the right lane. It was not only the least used but led to his exit P17 24 on Long Island. He paid his toll, turned on the radio and listened P17 25 to the news. The commentator warned repeatedly about speeding on P17 26 the highways, recalled the enormous casualties of previous years, P17 27 pleaded with drivers to slow their pace.

P17 28 I certainly will, thought Mike. I'm in no P17 29 hurry. Amused, he watched other drivers cutting in and out. P17 30 Silly, he thought. How much time can they save? If P17 31 they're racing to the airport they should have left earlier to make P17 32 a plane. There was no one in front of him, the right lane P17 33 being almost devoid of traffic.

P17 34 Suddenly Mike stared at the road ahead, startled. There were no P17 35 cars before him for a couple of hundred yards, but a man loomed up P17 36 in his view, walking along the road as though he were taking a P17 37 stroll in a quiet country lane. Mike sounded his horn frantically, P17 38 but the man was either drunk or deaf, because he did not react. He P17 39 continued his leisurely pace.

P17 40 Mike slammed on his brakes, but could not prevent his left P17 41 fender from striking the man slightly. The shove caused him to P17 42 stumble, but he did not fall. Traffic began to pile up behind and P17 43 horns blared.

P17 44 Mike got out of his car.

P17 45 "What the devil do you think you're doing?" he P17 46 demanded. "Do you want to get run over? If you have to get P17 47 plastered, why don't you pick a quiet street, like Eighth P17 48 Avenue?"

P17 49 The man looked almost indignant. "I am not drunk, P17 50 sir," he said quietly, as though nothing had happened. P17 51 "I am sober."

P17 52 Mike felt like calling down all the imprecations listed in the P17 53 Unabridged. Grab hold of yourself, he thought. Don't P17 54 forget the Christmas spirit.

P17 55 "Look, my good man," he managed to say, P17 56 "don't you know it's suicide to walk along a bridge like P17 57 this? Aside from the fact that it's against the law. The first cop P17 58 driving by would arrest you."

P17 59 "That would be quite all right, sir," said the P17 60 man.

P17 61 The cars stacked up behind them were blowing their horns P17 62 frantically.

P17 63 "Never mind," Mike said; "just get in P17 64 the car. We'll have that out later. But it's a hell of a way to P17 65 hitch a ride."

P17 66 The man got in, an almost-satisfied smile on his face.

P17 67 Mike grew a bit suspicious. "What was your purpose in P17 68 doing that?" he asked. "Are you trying to stage a P17 69 holdup? I don't have much money on me, you know. Besides, you P17 70 shouldn't do that on Christmas; it's against all P17 71 ethics."

P17 72 "I'm not attempting a holdup, sir," said the P17 73 man.

P17 74 "Well, what's the idea of walking along a busy P17 75 highway?"

P17 76 "I want to get some attention," said the man. P17 77 "Are you very angry at me, sir?"

P17 78 Mike had enough. He was looking for the first exit. P17 79 "I'd better get you to the nearest hospital," he P17 80 said. "You might be hurt, after all. Perhaps it would be P17 81 best if you had a checkup."

P17 82 "Oh, no," said the man. "I am quite all P17 83 right, I assure you. You did not strike me very hard, and it P17 84 certainly was worth it."

P17 85 "Worth it!" ejaculated Mike. "What's P17 86 wrong with you? I have a lot of patience because it's Christmas, P17 87 but this sounds crazy. Are you crazy?" he asked. P17 88 "Escape from Bellevue, perhaps? Do you have amnesia? Or do P17 89 you know who you are?"

P17 90 The man smiled. "I know who I am, sir. Oh, I have not P17 91 introduced myself. My name is Higgins - A. H. Higgins."

P17 92 "Glad to meet you," said Mike dryly. P17 93 "My name is Michael Harris. On second thought, I'm not so P17 94 sure I'm glad to meet you. The setting is rather unusual. Tell me, P17 95 how did you get there, anyway?"

P17 96 "I took a cab," said the man, "from the P17 97 other side of the bridge. I asked the driver to let me out in the P17 98 middle. He thought it was a bit odd, but I told him that I was P17 99 waiting for a friend to pick me up in his car. So he let me out and P17 100 I started to walk."

P17 101 "But why?" asked Michael. "Did you want P17 102 to commit suicide?"

P17 103 "Oh, no, sir," said A. H. Higgins. "I P17 104 told you, I just wanted to get some attention."

P17 105 "You could have easily got more than you bargained P17 106 for," said Mike. "I happen to be a careful driver; P17 107 I was only doing about 25 or 30. If somebody came flying along at P17 108 60 you would have been a goner. Do you realize that?"

P17 109 "Even that would have paid, sir, as long as I felt it. P17 110 I mean, just so I would have remained alive long enough to realize P17 111 that people were standing around and showing me some P17 112 attention."

P17 113 "That's a rotten way to die. In order to get P17 114 attention!" said Mike. "Why are you so set on P17 115 getting attention?"

P17 116 "I never have it," he said simply.

P17 117 "What do you mean?" asked Michael.

P17 118 "I never gave it any thought until my doctor mentioned P17 119 it."

P17 120 "Your doctor? Then you are ill!"

P17 121 "No, not exactly. Oh, I had sometimes felt tired and P17 122 listless. Everyone feels that way now and then. Well, the doctor P17 123 told me my heart was kind of weak."

P17 124 "Too much work and too little relaxation, I P17 125 suppose?"

P17 126 "Almost exactly his words. Only he said 'too little P17 127 diversion.' I should take some vitamin pills and get a little P17 128 attention."

P17 129 "Did it help?"

P17 130 "Well, my heart doesn't bother me. I take the vitamin P17 131 pills, but nobody's shown me any attention. So I thought this P17 132 Christmas I'd give myself the present of making someone really mad P17 133 at me."

P17 134 "Make someone mad at you? Why?"

P17 135 "Because if someone is mad at you, he's bound to give P17 136 you some attention," said Mr. Higgins. "Of course, P17 137 it didn't quite work out," he added a bit sadly, P17 138 "because you aren't really mad at me, are you, P17 139 sir?"

P17 140 "No, I'm not. But that hasn't anything to do with you. P17 141 I'm just content with the work I've done and the fact that I'm P17 142 going home."

P17 143 "That's one of the points I was making," said P17 144 Mr. Higgins. "When you get home you'll receive a lot of P17 145 attention, won't you?"

P17 146 Mike laughed. "Yes. Mostly because of the packages P17 147 behind me in the car."

P17 148 "It's worth it," said Mr. Higgins. "I P17 149 wish I had some packages to pack."

P17 150 "Don't you have any money to buy some?"

P17 151 "Oh, yes," said Mr. Higgins. "I have P17 152 enough money - I've a good bank account. I just don't have anyone P17 153 for whom I could buy presents. And since no one has any particular P17 154 reason for liking me, I thought I might at least get some attention P17 155 by having someone mad at me."

P17 156 They were by now well on their way out on Long Island.

P17 157 "Look," said Mike, "I'm probably taking you out P17 158 of your way. Where do you live?"

P17 159 "I live in New York; in Manhattan, sir. But it does not P17 160 matter. I can always take a train back."

P17 161 "Why?" asked Mike. "Is it worth the ride you're P17 162 taking with me?"

P17 163 "Oh, yes," said Mr. Higgins. "Not just P17 164 the ride, but I can't remember when anyone spoke so many words to P17 165 me in such a short time. I mean, gave me so much attention. You P17 166 have asked at least six questions which showed your interest in me. P17 167 No one else has ever shown sufficient interest in me to ask six P17 168 questions."

P17 169 "That's ridiculous," said Mike. "It's P17 170 beyond me."

P17 171 "I can understand that," nodded Mr. Higgins. P17 172 "Nevertheless, it is the truth."

P17 173 "You have a fixed idea there," said Mike. P17 174 "Let's analyze this question. You say nobody gives you any P17 175 attention. Aren't you married?"

P17 176 "No," said Mr. Higgins.

P17 177 Mike glanced at him. A. H. Higgins was a rather good-looking P17 178 man, about 50 years old, hair beginning to turn gray at the P17 179 temples. He was dressed in good taste, businesslike, and P17 180 immaculately clean.

P17 181 "Why aren't you married?" asked Mike. P17 182 "I realize, of course, that it's none of my concern, but P17 183 since you like attention, I thought I might as well ask. I can't P17 184 say that you haven't made me curious."

P17 185 "Your curiosity makes me very happy," said Mr. P17 186 Higgins gratefully. "It is difficult to explain why I did P17 187 not marry. I have thought about <}_><-|>if<+|>it<}/> often. When I P17 188 was young, I was too busy. I come from a small family. I studied; P17 189 worked in the evening in order to be able to go on studying. I P17 190 never knew my father; he died when I was very young and I helped my P17 191 mother along. Then I got a good job and felt it was the wrong time P17 192 to get married; I had to concentrate on getting ahead."

P17 193 "What do you do?" asked Mike.

P17 194 "I am a bank manager," said Mr. Higgins P17 195 modestly.

P17 196 "A bank manager?" Mike was stunned. P17 197 "And you don't get any attention?"

P17 198 "No. I give attention, but I never receive it. People P17 199 are only interested in a bank manager when they want a check cashed P17 200 or something like that."

P17 201 "Why don't you go out sometimes? Have a good time? You P17 202 make good money, don't you?"

P17 203 "Oh, yes, sir, I have a very good income. But I've P17 204 never known how to spend it."

P17 205 "Well, there are ways, you know," said Michael, P17 206 laughing.

P17 207 "Oh, yes, I know. But you see, I am shy. It was P17 208 difficult for me to get acquainted with women. I did not know P17 209 anybody."

P17 210 "But you business associates?"

P17 211 "Well," said Mr. Higgins thoughtfully. "I guess P17 212 I am not a very gregarious or entertaining fellow. People like to P17 213 invite bachelors when they can make themselves useful at parties; P17 214 when they can tell funny stories, or entertain the ladies, or mix P17 215 good drinks. I was never very good at either category. I was P17 216 invited to parties once or twice, but I sat around in a corner P17 217 feeling awkward, knowing I was boring company. Why would people P17 218 invite a man who bores their guests?"

P17 219 Mike shook his head. This was a completely new world to him. He P17 220 had never been alone. One of six children, he was accustomed to P17 221 company, parties, had flirted with his sisters' friends, competed P17 222 with his brothers once or twice for the favors of their girl P17 223 friends and had always busied himself in his parents' home giving P17 224 and receiving joy and - as Mr. Higgins called it - attention. He P17 225 often felt he was receiving too much of it; had too little privacy, P17 226 too little quiet, too little relaxation. But he was too intelligent P17 227 to complain about love. It was incomprehensible to him that a human P17 228 being could exist who was so lonesome, so completely isolated that P17 229 he had to walk along a busy highway in order to gain some P17 230 attention.

P17 231 "You see, sir, I am boring you," said P17 232 Higgins.

P17 233 "No," Michael said, "you're not boring me; I P17 234 was just thinking. P17 235 P18 1 <#FROWN:P18\>A recipe for love.

P18 2 After her divorce from Stan, Tess sewed little black bows all P18 3 over her sneakers. She wore them everywhere - to work, to her son P18 4 Nick's seventh-grade basketball games, to parent meetings at P18 5 four-year-old Robbie's daycare center.

P18 6 "Why black?" Gary asked.

P18 7 She grinned. "I'm in mourning. More or P18 8 less."

P18 9 Less, Gary decided, and proposed to her the next night.

P18 10 "Absolutely not," she said. "I'm going P18 11 to become a nun."

P18 12 He kissed her. "Be serious, Tess. I want to spend the P18 13 rest of my life with <}_><-|>your<+|>you<}/>."

P18 14 She laughed and patted his cheek. "I had twelve years P18 15 of serious with Stan. That's P18 16 <}_><-|>enought<+|>enough<}/>."

P18 17 "The boys need a man around the house. Have you thought P18 18 about that?" He took her hand.

P18 19 "I'm doing just fine on my own," she said with P18 20 conviction.

P18 21 But Gary couldn't leave it alone. He felt like he was 16 and in P18 22 love for the first time. All he thought about was Tess, with her P18 23 big smile and slanting green eyes. She made him feel happy just P18 24 being alive.

P18 25 He started meeting her at Nick's basketball games. Gary sat P18 26 beside Tess, <}_><-|>him<+|>his<}/> arm looped over her shoulder. P18 27 Robbie curled up at her feet and drew pictures on old envelopes. P18 28 Sometimes, Stan was at the games, too, sitting by himself. Gary saw P18 29 how Tess's face got red when she looked at him. He squeezed her P18 30 hand and she moved closer to him.

P18 31 "Marry me," he whispered, holding her.

P18 32 She traced his jawline with her finger, smiling. "We'll P18 33 see."

P18 34 "Just say yes and get it over with. I'm serious, P18 35 Tess."

P18 36 "I know. You're always serious."

P18 37 The next morning, Gary dropped by her place on his way to work. P18 38 Nick answered the door.

P18 39 "Mom, your boyfriend's here," the boy called, P18 40 then turned and walked back to the kitchen. Gary noticed Nick's P18 41 long toes; they must come from Stan, he thought. Tess had short, P18 42 stubby toes, which he wanted to tickle whenever he saw them.

P18 43 Tess appeared at the kitchen doorway. "Gary, hi. Would P18 44 you help Robbie change his shirt? He soaked it P18 45 <}_><-|>plaing<+|>playing<}/> in the sink."

P18 46 He loved the way she never missed a beat. "Sure," he P18 47 answered.

P18 48 He found Robbie under his bed, playing with blocks. Gary P18 49 squatted down. "Come on out and let me change your shirt, P18 50 sport."

P18 51 "No!" Robbie squirmed. "I'm gonna stay here all P18 52 day. Mommy's not gonna make the pie."

P18 53 "I'm sure she'll make it when she gets a P18 54 chance."

P18 55 "No, she won't." His voice was hurt. P18 56 "She said she wouldn't, and she never changes her P18 57 mind."

P18 58 Gary reached under the bed for the boy's arm. "Come on P18 59 out and I'll make sure you get your pie. I promise."

P18 60 Robbie slid out, and Gary touched the front of the boy's shirt. P18 61 "You're pretty wet, sport." It struck him then that P18 62 he loved Robbie almost as much as Tess. It wasn't just Tess he P18 63 wanted to marry, it was the whole family. He gave Robbie a sudden P18 64 hug, wet shirt and all.

P18 65 It wasn't until Gary had changed Robbie and brushed his hair P18 66 that he thought to ask what kind of pie.

P18 67 The boy looked up at him, his eyes sparkling just like Tess's. P18 68 "Popcorn pie."

P18 69 Gary frowned. "Never heard of it."

P18 70 "You have to," Robbie sang, running out the P18 71 door. "You promised!"

P18 72 Gary followed him into the kitchen. Tess was standing at the P18 73 stove. He went up behind her and ran his hands down her arms. P18 74 "How about making some popcorn pie?"

P18 75 She turned her head sharply; her face was bright red. P18 76 "Who told you about popcorn pie?"

P18 77 "Robbie. He said he wanted one. I'll make it if you P18 78 give me the recipe."

P18 79 She shook her head. "Sorry. No can do."

P18 80 He was startled to hear her giggle as she turned back to the P18 81 stove. A knob of anger formed in his chest. "Come on, Tess, P18 82 tell me. I promised Robbie."

P18 83 "It's a family joke," she said.

P18 84 The way she said 'family' made him angry. She was excluding P18 85 him. He made his voice cold. "I hope someday you'll trust P18 86 me."

P18 87 She shook her head, swallowing laughter. "Don't be mad, P18 88 Gary." She pulled him toward her. "Kiss P18 89 me."

P18 90 For a minute, he didn't want to, but her warm lips made him P18 91 forget everything. When she pulled away, he forced himself to look P18 92 at his watch. "I have to run."

P18 93 Robbie confronted him at the door. "She's not gonna P18 94 make it, is she?"

P18 95 "Not today, sport." He put his hand on the P18 96 small head. "Tell you what. I'll talk to her again tomorrow P18 97 night."

P18 98 It came to Gary that night while he was watching TV. He would P18 99 make a popcorn pie for Robbie. He could already see the boy's eyes P18 100 shine as he presented the pie. It was a crazy thing to do - he P18 101 didn't even have a recipe. But he wanted to show Robbie he was part P18 102 of the family, too, that he could share the family fun.

P18 103 He stayed up late, experimenting, rolling out the crust, P18 104 popping the corn and then caramelizing it so it would stick P18 105 together, baking it until the crust was golden brown. When it P18 106 cooled, he packed it into a box.

P18 107 He was tired at work the next day. But just the idea of showing P18 108 the pie to Tess kept him smiling all morning. He felt juiced up, P18 109 full of his surprise.

P18 110 Tess called at noon.

P18 111 "Marry me," he said, his opening line whenever P18 112 they spoke these days.

P18 113 "No, Gary. Listen." Her voice cracked. P18 114 "You can't come over tonight. Something's come up. I can't P18 115 explain."

P18 116 "Tess, you owe me an explanation!" he P18 117 protested.

P18 118 "I know, I'm sorry, Gary, really. Don't be P18 119 mad."

P18 120 But he was mad, furious. Once again, Tess was pushing him away. P18 121 It was time to put his foot down, make her decide once and for all P18 122 if she wanted him in her life. But how could he get through to P18 123 her?

P18 124 Suddenly, he knew what he would do. He would take the popcorn P18 125 pie over to her apartment. It was for Robbie, after all; she P18 126 wouldn't keep him from giving it to the boy. He'd camp out at her P18 127 doorstep until she let him in. She'd have to talk to him then.

P18 128 At Tess's door, he lifted the pie out of the box, took a deep P18 129 breath, and rang the bell.

P18 130 Nick opened the door.

P18 131 Gary forced himself to keep smiling. He felt foolish, standing P18 132 there holding a pie in his hands. "Hi. Where's P18 133 Robbie?" he asked.

P18 134 Nick scowled. "In his room. You can't come in." P18 135 His voice dropped and his scowl deepened. "Dad was P18 136 here."

P18 137 "Stan?" Gary stepped past Nick into the narrow hall P18 138 that led to the kitchen. "What was he doing here? Where's P18 139 your mother?" But he didn't wait for the answer, just P18 140 rushed through the kitchen, dropping the pie onto the counter as he P18 141 ran by.

P18 142 In the living room, Tess was hunched on the couch, arms around P18 143 her knees. He couldn't see her face, but he could hear her P18 144 <}_><-|>cyring<+|>crying<}/>.

P18 145 "Tess?" he said gently.

P18 146 She raised her head. "Gary." She swallowed. P18 147 "What are you doing here? I told you not to P18 148 come."

P18 149 "What was Stan doing here?" He planted his feet P18 150 firmly on the carpet. "That's why you told me not to come, P18 151 isn't it? You knew he was coming."

P18 152 She looked away from him. "It has nothing to do with P18 153 you."

P18 154 "It has <}_><-|>everyting<+|>everything<}/> to do with P18 155 me." The words were like little iron pellets he had to spit P18 156 from his mouth. "I have to know where I stand with you, P18 157 Tess. Do you still love him?"

P18 158 She sighed. "I don't know. He wants us to get back P18 159 together. He says it's best for the boys. I said I'd think about P18 160 it."

P18 161 Gary sat down beside her, took her hand.

P18 162 "Is that what you want?" he asked.

P18 163 "Like Stan said, there are other P18 164 considerations." Tears rolled out of her eyes.

P18 165 He realized that he was probably going to lose her. For weeks, P18 166 he'd been asking her to marry him, but she'd never given him any P18 167 reason to think she'd say yes. <}_><-|>Stangely<+|>Strangely<}/>, P18 168 he didn't feel sad. All he wanted at that moment was to see her P18 169 smile again. Suddenly, unexpectedly, her happiness had become more P18 170 important than his own.

P18 171 "Look," he said, "if it'll help, I'll leave. P18 172 I'll give you all the space you need."

P18 173 She took a deep breath. "Thanks, Gary." She P18 174 smiled weakly. "Would you <}_><-|>mid<+|>mind<}/> holding P18 175 me a minute?"

P18 176 He put his arms around her, and something P18 177 <}_><-|>loosend<+|>loosened<}/> in his chest. Love, he realized, P18 178 wasn't something you had to nail down. Love was light and spacious; P18 179 there was room for patience in it, room for laughter, room for P18 180 letting go.

P18 181 Just then, Robbie's voice sounded from the kitchen, high and P18 182 urgent. "Mommy! Come look!"

P18 183 Tess stood up and Gary followed her into the kitchen, where P18 184 they found Robbie perched on a stool, pointing at the pie. Tess P18 185 stood with her hand to her mouth.

P18 186 "What is it?" asked Robbie.

P18 187 "It's a popcorn pie," Gary said. "I P18 188 made it for you."

P18 189 "That's not popcorn pie!" He slid off the P18 190 stool, pouting. "You said you'd get Mommy to make P18 191 it," he said, stomping out of the kitchen.

P18 192 Tess spun to face Gary. "You actually made a pie out of P18 193 popcorn?"

P18 194 He was surprised to see her grinning widely, her eyes dancing. P18 195 He shrugged. "So I'm not the world's greatest P18 196 cook," he said sheepishly.

P18 197 "Popcorn pie's not food. It's a code name for getting P18 198 pregnant." She erupted in a burst of laughter. "My P18 199 family's always called it that," she finally managed to P18 200 say. "All that bouncing around the baby does inside - it P18 201 feels like you're popping corn."

P18 202 He had trouble finding his voice. "You mean Robbie P18 203 wanted you to get pregnant?"

P18 204 "He's at that age. Four year olds always want a baby P18 205 brother or sister."

P18 206 "Why didn't you tell me? I feel like an idiot," P18 207 he said.

P18 208 "No, it's great! It's the first really funny thing P18 209 you've done!" She kissed his cheek. "I think I've P18 210 been waiting all along for you to do something a little bit crazy P18 211 like this."

P18 212 He stared at her. Then a slow smile spread across his face. P18 213 "I hope it's edible."

P18 214 Tess laughed again. "Let's find out."

P18 215 He shook his head. "<}_><-|>not<+|>Not<}/> until I buy P18 216 the champagne."

P18 217 "Champagne and popcorn pie," she said, P18 218 struggling to keep a serious face. "I P18 219 <}_><-|>thin<+|>think<}/> it's time to take the bows off the P18 220 sneakers."

P18 221 He pulled her into his arms and kissed her then. Over her head, P18 222 he saw the pie sitting on the counter. A fat knob of popcorn poked P18 223 through the brown crust. It made Gary think of Tess's toes. He P18 224 looked down at her bare feet and his fingers tingled.

P18 225 P18 226 Graduation P18 227 "The graduation service will be at ten," said P18 228 Mrs. Angus. "That will be followed by a reception for the P18 229 special guests of the graduates. Reverend Angus and I will be P18 230 attending because of his part in the reception. You will be the P18 231 guest of Pastor Barker."

P18 232 Anna knew all that, but she smiled and nodded her head. Then an P18 233 awful thought struck her.

P18 234 "Does that mean I won't be sitting with you?" P18 235 she queried.

P18 236 "Oh, we can sit together for the service. At the P18 237 reception we may need to sit at a separate table. I don't know the P18 238 seating arrangements, but by then you will be with the Barker P18 239 family, so you won't be deserted."

P18 240 Near panic seized Anna. The Barker family. She had P18 241 only thought of Mr. Austin Barker. She was sure she could feel P18 242 reasonably comfortable with him. But his family? How many Barkers P18 243 were there? Would she be among a whole group of strangers?

P18 244 "Only his father and mother were able to come," P18 245 went on Mrs. Angus. "He has three married sisters and a P18 246 married brother. Austin is the youngest family member. Two of the P18 247 girls are missionaries and the brother is a seminary P18 248 professor."

P18 249 If the words had been meant to encourage Anna, they had quite P18 250 the opposite effect. P18 251 P19 1 <#FROWN:P19\>Infidelity. It's as old as marriage, and there are P19 2 as many reasons for it as there are men - or women - to commit it. P19 3 <}_><-|>there<+|>There<}/> are no easy explanations for it. One P19 4 expert will tell you it will destroy a relationship, and another P19 5 will say it can save one. But there are two indisputable truths P19 6 that I have learned from experience about infidelity: One is that P19 7 if you want to understand your marriage, you must understand the P19 8 reasons for its betrayal. The other is that each tale of infidelity P19 9 is as unique as the person who has been hurt or healed.

P19 10 My tale begins with a honey-smooth voice on the other end of P19 11 the telephone line:

P19 12 "Is Daniel in?" she would ask.

P19 13 "No," I would answer.

P19 14 "Well, when do you expect him?"

P19 15 "Probably later on tonight."

P19 16 A pause. "Would you tell him to call Shelia? He knows P19 17 the number." Click.

P19 18 I cringe now in embarrassment when I remember that typically P19 19 'Shelia' conversation. Her boldness and my naivete seem equally P19 20 unbelievable. I wonder how I could have ignored the signs that my P19 21 husband was having an affair, but I chose not to see - or in my P19 22 case hear - the obvious. My husband is a well-known artist and P19 23 teacher, and that voice was one of a dozen that regularly phoned P19 24 him. So I ignored the significance of this particular voice - and P19 25 the desperation that later began to characterize it.

P19 26 How, I ask myself now, could I have been so foolishly trusting? P19 27 But in the same breath I must admit the truth: I could not yet face P19 28 the reality of the life I shared with my husband.

P19 29 LIVING LIES

P19 30 Each marriage has its own ebb and flow, but there are rhythms P19 31 they have in common. I think what they sometimes call the P19 32 seven-year itch is one of those common rhythms. Seven years mark P19 33 the end of a certain era in marriage. You have been together for P19 34 nearly a decade and have settled comfortably into each other's P19 35 ways. But that seventh year - or a year or two before or after - P19 36 can be one of false security. It was for me.

P19 37 I was well satisfied with my life at that seven-year point. My P19 38 husband and I had three sons. We were secure financially. I worked P19 39 as a substitute teacher when I could, but mostly I stayed home with P19 40 my children. Daniel and I were a 'happily married couple' and we P19 41 did 'happily married couple' things: We danced together at P19 42 appropriate times at the parties of similarly 'happily married' P19 43 couples; we shopped together; we made joint visits to our sons' P19 44 school. With our home in the suburbs and cherry-red Volvo station P19 45 wagon, I felt I had an ideal life, the kind you used to see in P19 46 1950's sitcoms.

P19 47 But within our marriage there was an emptiness that neither of P19 48 us could face; there were the unspoken lies told by both of us - to P19 49 ourselves and to each other.

P19 50 My lie was that I completely defined myself and my happiness P19 51 through other people. I was Daniel's wife, Sean, Winston and Danny, P19 52 Jr.'s mother, Mr. and Mrs. Payne's daughter. When I married Daniel, P19 53 I tucked away those parts of me that didn't fit into what I thought P19 54 our marriage should be.

P19 55 I am a musician. The Good Hope Baptist Church's substitute P19 56 organist. I have played the piano since I was 6. I play by ear and P19 57 by note, and people have always told me I am gifted.

P19 58 I stopped playing when I married Daniel. Somehow there P19 59 seemd<&|>sic! to be room for only one artist in the family - the P19 60 life of a musician didn't seem to fit with the kind of life we P19 61 planned to live. Daniel loved me for my good sense, my practicality P19 62 - not my artistic spirit. So I tucked away that musical part of me P19 63 and it came out only when I played hymns on Sunday morning or when P19 64 I hummed lullabies to my sons at night. We didn't even own a P19 65 piano.

P19 66 There were other parts of me that I let go too. I love jazz P19 67 clubs, but Daniel hates them, so we never went. I love the P19 68 mountains, but Daniel loves the ocean, so we spent vacations in the P19 69 Caribbean. Daniel never demanded that I give up anything, but it P19 70 seemed easier that way. We couldn't afford a piano; the Caribbean P19 71 was cheaper; we couldn't find a baby-sitter. I was his 'wife' and P19 72 it ended there.

P19 73 Daniel lied, too. He was my 'husband,' and he defined his life P19 74 as narrowly as I defined mine. We closed each other up in a closet P19 75 of 'love' that nearly smothered us both. There was no spontaneity P19 76 in our love - no authenticity.

P19 77 So when I found out about Daniel's affair with Shelia, things P19 78 changed forever between us. Maybe they couldn't have gotten any P19 79 worse.

P19 80 BETRAYAL

P19 81 The telephone call that changed us came at two in the morning. P19 82 I found out later it was from one of Shelia's sisters. I was dead P19 83 asleep, but I vague heard him say "I've got to ..." P19 84 He stopped, glanced at me and then stared at the wall. P19 85 "I've got to go out for a while," he said quickly P19 86 before I could awaken myself enough to ask another question. P19 87 Curious, but too tired to care, I went back to an uneasy sleep.

P19 88 I was awakened by the alarm at seven and saw Daniel sitting in P19 89 a chair across from our bed, his head in his hands.

P19 90 "There's something I have to tell you," he P19 91 said. I sat up. The tone of his voice frightened me.

P19 92 "You know Shelia, the woman who calls here sometimes P19 93 ...?" he began. I could sense something was up.

P19 94 "What about her?" I asked, suddenly alarmed.

P19 95 "The call was from Shelia's sister. Shelia ... Shelia P19 96 tried to kill herself last night. I just got back from the P19 97 hospital."

P19 98 I didn't get it at first. "Why did she call P19 99 you?" I asked, innocently stupid.

P19 100 "Lynda, we've ... I've been having an affair with P19 101 her," he said softly, as if he were talking to a child. P19 102 "I broke it off last night, I ..."

P19 103 I stared at him blankly, and then suddenly it all came together P19 104 - the voice, the working late, the excuses, the call last night. I P19 105 felt sick.

P19 106 "You son of a bitch!" I snarled with a ferocity P19 107 that surprised even me. "You filthy son of a P19 108 bitch!" I began hitting him with my fists and crying hard P19 109 at the same time. I punched him as hard as I could - on his back, P19 110 in his face, on his shoulders.

P19 111 "How could you do this to me?" I was crying now P19 112 so hard that my voice was coming in short, hard gasps. Daniel said P19 113 nothing. One of my smacks had knocked his glasses to the floor, and P19 114 they lay there reflecting the morning light that was streaming in P19 115 through the window. He took my blows without flinching.

P19 116 "How long have you been seeing her? How long have you P19 117 been lying to me? No more lies, Daniel! No more lies!"

P19 118 "Two years," he said softly.

P19 119 I glared at him in disgust and disbelief. Without saying P19 120 anything more, I pulled on my clothes as quickly as I could. I P19 121 needed to get out, to get away from him.

P19 122 I ran to my car and backed out of the driveway fast, without P19 123 paying attention to signs or traffic, and I headed toward the P19 124 highway. I needed to go someplace where I could think, where I P19 125 could breathe; I felt as if I were choking.

P19 126 I felt violated and foolish. A fool for not seeing sooner what P19 127 was going on right in front of me. A fool for being happy when my P19 128 husband was sleeping with another woman. But then another thought P19 129 occurred to me. Maybe he really loved her. Was he going to leave P19 130 me? My marriage was everything - my identity, my security, my life. P19 131 What would I do if he left me for Shelia? I hadn't worked since the P19 132 birth of my first child. How would I make a living?

P19 133 My mind was a blank. I felt empty and stupid and used. I drove P19 134 aimlessly, listening to tapes, crying, wasting time. When it was P19 135 dark, I headed home.

P19 136 When my key turned in the lock, I could hear my children P19 137 running to the door.

P19 138 "Mommy, where have you been all day?" my P19 139 youngest son demanded to know. Guilt swept me as I kissed his P19 140 forehead.

P19 141 "Shopping," I said.

P19 142 "Where are your bags?" my oldest son, always P19 143 the detective, asked. I didn't say anything. Out of the corner of P19 144 my eye, I saw Daniel enter the room. I didn't look at him.

P19 145 "I left some dinner for you in there on the P19 146 stove," he said, trying to sound casual.

P19 147 "Daddy made a coconut cake. He wouldn't let us have any P19 148 'til you took the first piece. Please cut it," my middle P19 149 son eagerly said, dancing around me.

P19 150 "Okay, tomorrow," I said to my sons. P19 151 "You all go up and get ready for bed; it's way past your P19 152 bedtime." I waited until the boys were out of earshot. P19 153 "Asshole," I hissed under my breath to Daniel as I swept P19 154 past him into the kitchen. I noisily scraped the plate he'd set P19 155 aside for me into the garbage disposal, and then I went in to kiss P19 156 my sons good night. After I'd tucked them into bed, I went into our P19 157 bedroom and locked the door behind me. It was hours before my P19 158 bedtime but I was tired. And the questions about Daniel and Shelia P19 159 gnawed at the edge of my mind. As I crawled into bed, I noticed a P19 160 sealed envelope resting on a glass on the night table. I tore it P19 161 open and read it quickly: I love you and only you. Shelia means P19 162 nothing to me. She tried that stupid stunt because I told her that P19 163 I wouldn't leave you. Please forgive me. I know I can't live P19 164 without you. I tore Daniel's note into a dozen pieces, but I P19 165 breathed a sigh of relief: If anyone left our marriage, it would be P19 166 me.

P19 167 A QUIET RAGE

P19 168 The next day when Daniel went to teach and the children were at P19 169 school, I threw his clothes on the floor in the spare bedroom. That P19 170 move marked the beginning of my quiet rage, and in the weeks that P19 171 followed we spoke to each other only when the children were P19 172 around.

P19 173 Angered by my unwillingness to forgive, Daniel withdrew into P19 174 his work and spent more time in his studio. All I cared about were P19 175 my kids - and my music, which like some sweet savior had begun to P19 176 creep back into my life.

P19 177 I started playing the piano again because I realized that I'd P19 178 have to make a living if I decided to leave him, and music was the P19 179 only thing I knew. <}_><-|>Ic ould<+|>I could<}/> substitute-teach P19 180 for a while, but music was my God-given talent and I would make it P19 181 pay. So I returned to it, a betrayed lover come home.

P19 182 I called the university that I had graduated from 15 years P19 183 before and found that I could rent a practice room, so three or P19 184 four times a week I'd drive the distance to play. I would play for P19 185 hours. I played my rage and pain, and I played for my lost P19 186 marriage.

P19 187 Two years of lies. I could forgive a one-night stand, a moment P19 188 of passion brought to climax in a cheap hotel room or the backseat P19 189 of somebody's car - but two <}_><-|>year<+|>years<}/> took P19 190 planning, 24 months of betrayal with each whispered phone call and P19 191 stolen touch. So Daniel and I went our separate ways in a quiet, P19 192 angry truce.

P19 193 WHISPERED FUN AND DANGER

P19 194 One Monday afternoon while I was practicing at the university, P19 195 there was a rhythmic rap on the window. <}_><-|>Whe<+|>When<}/> I P19 196 looked up, my heart skipped a beat. It was Jerome Thompson. I'd P19 197 known him when we'd both been students. He was a musician now; I'd P19 198 seen his name in the clubs around town.

P19 199 P19 200 P19 201 P20 1 <#FROWN:P20\>CHARLES DICKENS knew his stuff, you know. Listen P20 2 to this<\_><-|>"<+|><}/> "Annual income twenty pounds, P20 3 annual expenditure nineteen nineteen six, result P20 4 <\_><-|>happines<+|>happiness<}/>. Annual income twenty pounds, P20 5 annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result P20 6 misery."

P20 7 Right on. You adjust the numbers of inflation and what you've P20 8 got right there is the history of Wall Street. At least, so much of P20 9 the history of Wall Street as includes me: seven years. We had the P20 10 good times and we lived high on that extra jolly sixpence, and now P20 11 we live day by day the long decline of shortfall. Result misery.

P20 12 Where did they all go, the sixpences of yesteryear? Oh, pshaw, P20 13 we know where they went. You in Gstaad, him in Aruby, her in Paris P20 14 and me in the men's room with a sanitary straw in my nose. We know P20 15 where it went, all right.

P20 16 My name's Kimball, by the way; here's my card. Bruce Kimball, P20 17 with Rendall/LeBeau. Account exec. May I say I'm still making money P20 18 for my clients? There's a lot of good stuff undervalued out there, P20 19 my friend. You can still make money on the Street. Of course you P20 20 can. I admit it's harder now; it's much harder when I have only P20 21 thruppence and it's sixpence I need to keep my nose filled, build P20 22 up that confidence, face the world with that winner's smile. Man, P20 23 I'm only hitting on one nostril, you know? I'm hurtin'.

P20 24 Nearly three years a widow; time to remarry. I need a true P20 25 heart to share my penthouse apartment (unfurnished terrace, P20 26 fortunately) with its grand view of the city, my cottage (14 rooms) P20 27 in Amagansett, the income of my portfolio of stocks.

P20 28 An income - ah, me - which is less than it once was. One or two P20 29 iffy margin falls, a few dividends undistributed; bad news can P20 30 mount up, somehow. Or dismount and move right in. Income could P20 31 become a worry.

P20 32 But first, romance. Where is there a husband for my middle P20 33 years? I am Stephanie Morewell, 42, the end product of good P20 34 breeding, good nutrition, a fine workout program and amazingly P20 35 skilled cosmetic surgeons. Since my parents died as my graduation P20 36 present from Bryn Mawr, I've more or less taken care of myself, P20 37 though of course, at times, one does need a man around the house. P20 38 To insert light bulbs and such-like. The point is, except for a P20 39 slight flabbiness in my stock portfolio, I am a fine catch for just P20 40 the right fellow.

P20 41 I don't blame my broker, please let me make that clear. Bruce P20 42 Kimball is his name and he's unfailingly optimistic and cheerful. A P20 43 bit of blade, I suspect. (One can't say gay blade anymore, not P20 44 without the risk of being misunderstood.) In any event, Bruce did P20 45 very well for me when everybody's stock was going up, and now that P20 46 there's a - oh, what are the pornographic euphemisms of finance? A P20 47 <\_><-|>shakehout<+|>shakeout<}/>, a mid-term correction, a market P20 48 adjustment, all that - now that times are tougher, Bruce has lost P20 49 me less than most and has even found a victory or two amid the P20 50 wreckage. No, I can't fault Bruce for a general worsening of the P20 51 climate of money.

P20 52 In fact, Bruce ... hmmm. He flirts with me at times, but only P20 53 in a professional way, as his employers would expect him to flirt P20 54 with a moneyed woman. He's handsome enough, if a bit thin. (Thinner P20 55 this year than last, in fact.) <\_><-|>still<+|>Still<}/>, those P20 56 wiry fellows ....

P20 57 Three or four years younger than I? Would Bruce Kimball be the P20 58 answer to my prayers? I do already know him and I'd rather not P20 59 spend too much time on the project.

P20 60 Stephanie Kimball. Like a schoolgirl, I write the name on the P20 61 note pad beside the telephone on the Louis XIV writing table next P20 62 to my view of the East River. The rest of that page is filled with P20 63 hastily jotted numbers: income, outgo, estimated expenses, overdue P20 64 bills. Stephanie Kimball. I gaze upon my view and whisper the name. P20 65 It's a blustery, changeable, threatening day. Stephanie Kimball. I P20 66 like the sound.

P20 67 "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at P20 68 the flood, leads on to fortune." Agatha Christie said that. P20 69 Oh, but she was quoting, wasn't she? Shakespeare! Got it.

P20 70 There was certainly a flood tide in my affair with Stephanie P20 71 Morwell. Five years ago, she was merely one more rich wife among my P20 72 clients, if one who took more of an interest than most in the P20 73 day-to-day handling of the portfolio. In fact, I never did meet her P20 74 husband before his death. Three years ago, that was; some ash P20 75 blondes really come into their own in black, have you noticed?

P20 76 I respected Mrs. Morwell's widowhood for a month or two, then P20 77 began a little harmless flirtation. I mean, why not? She was a P20 78 widow, after all. With a few of my other female clients, an P20 79 occasional expression of male interest had eventually led to P20 80 extremely pleasant afternoon financial seminars in midtown hotels. P20 81 And now, Mrs. Morwell; to peel the layers of black from that lithe P20 82 and supple body ....

P20 83 Well, <\_><-|>For<+|>for<}/> three years, all that was merely a P20 84 pale fantasy. Not even a consummation devoutly to be wished - now, P20 85 who said that? No <\_><-|>watter<+|>matter<}/> - it was more of a P20 86 daydream while the computer's down.

P20 87 From black to autommal<&|>sic! colors to a more normal range. A P20 88 good-looking woman, friendly, rich, but never at the forefront of P20 89 my mind unless she was actually in my presence, across the desk. P20 90 And now it has all changed.

P20 91 Mrs. Morwell was in my office once more, hearing mostly badly P20 92 news, I'm afraid, and in an effort to distract her from the P20 93 grimness of the occasion, I made some light remark, "There P20 94 are better things we could do than sit here with all these P20 95 depressing numbers." Something like that; and she said, in P20 96 a kind of swollen voice, I'd never heard before, "There P20 97 certainly are."

P20 98 I looked at her, surprised, and she was arching her back, P20 99 stretching like a cat. I said, "Mrs. Morwell, you're giving P20 100 me ideas."

P20 101 She smiled. "Which ideas are those?" she asked, P20 102 and 40 minutes later we were in her bed in her apartment on Sutton P20 103 Place.

P20 104 Aaah. Extended widowhood had certainly sharpened her palate. P20 105 What an afternoon. Between times, she put together a cold snack of P20 106 salmon and champagne while I roved naked through the sunny golden P20 107 rooms, delicately furnished with antiques. What a view she had, out P20 108 over the East River. To live such a life ....

P20 109 Well. Not until this little glitch in the economy corrects P20 110 itself.

P20 111 "Champagne?"

P20 112 I turned and her body was as beautiful as the bubbly. Smiling, P20 113 she handed me a glass and said, "I've never had such a P20 114 wonderful afternoon in my entire life."

P20 115 We drank to that.

P20 116 We were married, my golden stockbroker, and I, seven weeks P20 117 after I first took him to bed. Not quite a whirlwind romance, but P20 118 close. Of course, I had to meet his parents, just the once, a chore P20 119 we all handled reasonably well.

P20 120 We honeymooned in Caneel Bay and had such a lovely time we P20 121 stayed an extra week. Bruce was so attentive, so charming, so - how P20 122 shall I put it? - ever ready. And he got along amazingly well with P20 123 the natives; they were eating out of his hand. In no time at all, P20 124 he was joking on a first-name basis with half a dozen fellows I P20 125 would have thougth of as nothing more than dangerous layabouts, but P20 126 Bruce could find a way to put almost anyone at ease. (Once or P20 127 twice, one of these fellows even came to chat with Bruce at the P20 128 cottage. I know he lent one of them money - it was changing hands P20 129 as I glanced out the louvered window - and I'm sure he never even P20 130 anticipated repayment.)

P20 131 I found myself, in those first weeks, growing actually fond of P20 132 Bruce. What an unexpected bonus! And my warm feeling toward this P20 133 new husband only increased when, on our return to New York, he P20 134 insisted on continuing with his job at Rendall/LeBeau. "I P20 135 won't sponge on you," he said, so firm and manly that I P20 136 dropped to my knees that instant. Such a contrast with previous P20 137 marital experience!

P20 138 Still, romance isn't everything. One must live as well; or, P20 139 that is, some must live. And so, in the second week after our P20 140 return, I taxied downtown for a discussion with Oliver Swerdluff, P20 141 my new insurance agent. (New since Robert's demise, I mean.) P20 142 "<\_><-|>Congratualtions<+|>Congratulations<}/> on your new P20 143 marriage, Mrs. Kimball," he said, this red-faced, portly P20 144 man who was so transparently delighted with himself for having P20 145 remembered my new name.

P20 146 "Thank you, Mr. Swerdluff." I took my seat P20 147 across the desk from him. "The new situation, of P20 148 course," I pointed out, "will require some changes P20 149 in my insurance package."

P20 150 "Certainly, certainly."

P20 151 "Bruce is now co-owner of the apartment in the city and P20 152 the house on Long Island."

P20 153 He looked impressed. "Very generous of you, Mrs., uh, P20 154 Kimball."

P20 155 "Yes, isn't it? Bruce is so important to me now, I P20 156 can't imagine how I got along all those years without him. Oh, but P20 157 that brings up a depressing subject. I suppose I must really insure P20 158 Bruce's life, mustn't I?"

P20 159 "The more important your husband is to you," he P20 160 said, with his salesman's instant comprehension, "the more P20 161 you must consider every eventuality."

P20 162 "But he's priceless to me," I said. P20 163 "How could I choose any amount of insurance? How could I P20 164 put a dollar value on Bruce?"

P20 165 "Let me help you with that decision," Mr. P20 166 Swerdluff said, leaning that moist red face toward me over the P20 167 desk.

P20 168 We settled on an even million. Double indemnity.

P20 169 "Strike while the widow is hot." Unattributed, P20 170 I guess.

P20 171 It did all seem to go very smoothly. At first, I was merely P20 172 enjoying Stephanie for her own sake, expecting no more than our P20 173 frequent encounters, and then somehow the idea arose that we might P20 174 get married. I couldn't see a thing wrong with the proposition. P20 175 Stephanie was terrific in bed, she was rich, she was beautiful and P20 176 she obviously loved me. Surely, I could find some fondness in P20 177 myself for a package like that.

P20 178 And what she could also do, though I had to be very careful she P20 179 never found out about it, was take up that shortfall, those pennies P20 180 between me and the white medicine that makes me such a winning P20 181 fellow. A generous woman, certainly generous enough for that modest P20 182 need. And I understood from the beginning that if I were to keep P20 183 her love and respect and my access to her piggy bank, I must never P20 184 be too greedy. Independent, self-sufficient, self-respecting, only P20 185 dipping into her funds for those odd six-pences which would bring P20 186 me, in Mr Dickens' phrase, "result happiness."

P20 187 The appearance of independence was one reason why I kept on at P20 188 Rendall/LeBeau, but I had other reasons as well. In the first P20 189 place, I didn't want one of those second-rate account churners to P20 190 take over the Morwell - now Kimball - account and bleed it to death P20 191 with percentages of unnecessary sales. In the scond place, I needed P20 192 time away from Stephanie, private time that was reasonably P20 193 accounted for and during which I could go on medicating myself. I P20 194 would never be able to maintain my proper dosages at home without P20 195 my bride sooner or later stumbling across the truth. And beyond all P20 196 that, I've always enjoyed the work, playing with other people's P20 197 money as if it were merely counters in a game, because that's all P20 198 it is when it's other people's money.

P20 199 Four lovely months we had of that life, with Stephanie never P20 200 suspecting a thing. With neither of us, in fact, ever suspecting a P20 201 thing. And if I weren't such a workaholic, particularly when topped P20 202 with my little white friend, I wonder what eventually might have P20 203 happened. No, I don't wonder; I know what would have happened.

P20 204 But here's what happened instead. I couldn't keep my hands off P20 205 Stephanie's financial records. I wasn't prying, it wasn't P20 206 suspicion, it wasn't for my own advantage, it was merely a P20 207 continuation of the work ethic on another front. P20 208 P21 1 <#FROWN:P21\>It's Come to This

P21 2 NO HORSES. That's how it always starts. I am coming down the P21 3 meadow, the first snow of September whipping around my boots, and P21 4 there are no horses to greet me. The first thing I did after Caleb P21 5 died was get rid of the horses.

P21 6 "I don't care how much," I told the auctioneer P21 7 at the Missoula Livestock Company. He looked at me slant-eyed from P21 8 under his Stetson. "Just don't let the canneries take P21 9 them." Then I walked away.

P21 10 What I did not tell him was I couldn't stand the sight of those P21 11 horses on our meadow, so heedless, grown fat and untended. They P21 12 reminded me of days when Montana seemed open as the sky.

P21 13 Now that the horses are gone I am more desolate than ever. If P21 14 you add one loss to another, what you have is double zip. I am wet P21 15 to the waist, water sloshing ankle-deep inside my irrigating boots. P21 16 My toes are numb, my chapped hands are burning from the cold, and P21 17 down by the gate my dogs are barking at a strange man in a red log P21 18 truck.

P21 19 That's how I meet Frank. He is hauling logs down from the P21 20 Champion timberlands above my place, across the right-of-way I sold P21 21 to the company after my husband's death. The taxes were piling up. P21 22 I sold the right-of-way because I would not sell my land. Kids will P21 23 grow up and leave you, but land is something a woman can hold P21 24 onto.

P21 25 I don't like those log trucks rumbling by my house, scattering P21 26 chickens, tempting my dogs to chase behind their wheels, kicking P21 27 clouds of dust so thick the grass looks brown and dead. There's P21 28 nothing I like about logging. It breaks my heart to walk among P21 29 newly cut limbs, to be enveloped in the sharp odor of sap running P21 30 like blood. After twenty years on this place, I still cringe at the P21 31 snap and crash of five-hundred-year-old pines and the P21 32 far-off screaming of saws.

P21 33 Anyway, Frank pulls his gyppo logging rig to a stop just past P21 34 my house in order to open the blue metal gate that separates our P21 35 outbuildings from the pasture, and while he is at it, he adjusts P21 36 the chains holding his load. My three mutts take after him as if P21 37 they are real watchdogs and he stands at the door of the battered P21 38 red cab holding his hands to his face and pretending to be P21 39 scared.

P21 40 "I would surely appreciate it if you'd call off them P21 41 dogs," says Frank, as if those puppies weren't wagging P21 42 their tails and jumping up to be patted.

P21 43 He can see I am shivering and soaked. And I am mad. If I had a P21 44 gun, I might shoot him.

P21 45 "You ought to be ashamed ... a man like P21 46 you."

P21 47 "Frank Bowman," he says, grinning and holding P21 48 out his large thick hand. "From Bowman Corners." P21 49 Bowman Corners is just down the road.

P21 50 "What happened to you?" he grins. "Take P21 51 a shower in your boots?"

P21 52 How can you stay mad at that man? A man who looks at you and P21 53 makes you look at yourself. I should have known better. I should P21 54 have waited for my boys to come home from football practice and P21 55 help me lift the heavy wet boards in our diversion dam. But my old P21 56 wooden flume was running full and I was determined to do what had P21 57 to be done before dark, to be a true country woman like the P21 58 pioneers I read about as a daydreaming child in Chicago, so long P21 59 ago it seems another person's life.

P21 60 "I had to shut off the water," I say. P21 61 "Before it freezes." Frank nods, as if this P21 62 explanation explains everything.

P21 63 Months later I would tell him about Caleb. How he took care of P21 64 the wooden flume, which was built almost one hundred years ago by P21 65 his Swedish ancestors. The snaking plank trough crawls up and P21 66 around a steep slope of igneous rock. It has been patched and P21 67 rebuilt by generations of hard-handed, blue-eyed Petersons until it P21 68 reached its present state of tenuous mortality. We open the P21 69 floodgate in June when Bear Creek is high with snowmelt, and the P21 70 flume runs full all summer, irrigating our hay meadow of timothy P21 71 and wild mountain grasses. Each fall, before the first hard freeze, P21 72 we close the diversion gates and the creek flows in its natural bed P21 73 down to the Big Blackfoot River.

P21 74 That's why I'd been standing in the icy creek, hefting six-foot P21 75 two-by-twelves into the slotted brace that forms the dam. The P21 76 bottom board was waterlogged and coated with green slime. It P21 77 slipped in my bare hands and I sat down with a splash, the plank in P21 78 my lap and the creek surging around me.

P21 79 "Goddamn it to fucking hell!" I yelled. I was P21 80 astonished to find tears streaming down my face, for I have always P21 81 prided myself on my ability to bear hardship. Here is a lesson I've P21 82 learned. There is no glory in pure backbreaking labor.

P21 83 Frank would agree. He is wide like his log truck and P21 84 thick-skinned as a yellow pine, and believes neighbors P21 85 should be friendly. At five o'clock sharp each workday, on his last P21 86 run, he would stop at my blue gate and yell, "Call off your P21 87 beasts," and I would stop whatever I was doing and go down P21 88 for our friendly chat.

P21 89 "How can you stand it?" I'd say, referring to P21 90 the cutting of trees.

P21 91 "It's a pinprick on the skin of the earth," P21 92 replies Frank. "God doesn't know the P21 93 difference."

P21 94 "Well, I'm not God," I say. "Not on my P21 95 place. Never."

P21 96 So Frank would switch to safer topics such as new people moving P21 97 in like knapweed, or where to find morels, or how the junior high P21 98 basketball team was doing. One day in October, when P21 99 red-tails screamed and hoarfrost tipped the meadow grass, P21 100 the world gone crystal and glowing, he asked could I use some P21 101 firewood.

P21 102 "A person can always use firewood," I P21 103 snapped.

P21 104 The next day, when I came home from teaching, there was a P21 105 pickup load by the woodshed - larch and fir, cut to stove size and P21 106 split.

P21 107 "Taking care of the widow." Frank grinned when P21 108 I tried to thank him. I laughed, but that is exactly what he was up P21 109 to. In this part of the country, a man still takes pains.

P21 110 When I first came to Montana I was slim as a fashion model and P21 111 my hair was black and curly. I had met my husband, Caleb, at the P21 112 University of Chicago, where a city girl and a raw ranch boy could P21 113 be equally enthralled by Gothic halls, the great libraries, and P21 114 gray old Nobel laureates who gathered in the Faculty Club, where no P21 115 student dared enter.

P21 116 But after our first two sons were born, after the P21 117 disillusionments of Vietnam and the cloistered grind of academic P21 118 life, we decided to break away from Chicago and a life of mind P21 119 preeminent, and we came to live on the quarter section of land P21 120 Caleb had inherited from his Swedish grandmother. We would make a P21 121 new start by raising purebred quarter horses.

P21 122 For Caleb it was coming home. He had grown up in Sunset, forty P21 123 miles northeast of Missoula, on his family's homestead ranch. For P21 124 me it was romance. Caleb had carried the romance of the West for me P21 125 in the way he walked on high-heeled cowboy boots, and the world he P21 126 told stories about. It was a world I had imagined from books and P21 127 movies, a paradise of the shining mountains, clean rivers, and P21 128 running horses.

P21 129 I loved the idea of horses. In grade school, I sketched black P21 130 stallions, white mares, rainbow-spotted appaloosas. My bedroom was P21 131 hung with horses running, horses jumping, horses rolling in clover. P21 132 At thirteen I hung around the stables in Lincoln Park and flirted P21 133 with the stable boys, hoping to charm them into riding lessons my P21 134 mother could not afford. Sometimes it worked, and I would bounce P21 135 down the bridle path, free as a princess, never thinking of the P21 136 payoff that would come at dusk. Pimply-faced boys. Groping and P21 137 French kisses behind the dark barn that reeked of manure.

P21 138 For Caleb horses meant honorable outdoor work and a way to make P21 139 money, work being the prime factor. Horses were history to be P21 140 reclaimed, identity. It was my turn to bring in the monthly check, P21 141 so I began teaching at the Sunset school as a stopgap measure to P21 142 keep our family solvent until the horse-business dream paid off. I P21 143 am still filling that gap.

P21 144 We rebuilt the log barn and the corrals, and cross-fenced our P21 145 one-hundred acres of cleared meadowland. I loved my upland meadow P21 146 from the first day. As I walked through tall grasses heavy with P21 147 seed, they moved to the wind, and the undulations were not like P21 148 water. Now, when I look down from our cliffs, I see the meadow as a P21 149 handmade thing - a rolling swatch of green hemmed with a stitchery P21 150 of rocks and trees. The old Swedes who were Caleb's ancestors P21 151 cleared that meadow with axes and cross-cut saws, and I P21 152 still trip over sawed-off stumps of virgin larch, sawed level to P21 153 the ground, too large to pull out with a team of horses - decaying, P21 154 but not yet dirt.

P21 155 We knew land was a way to save your life. Leave the city and P21 156 city ambitions, and get back to basics. Roots and dirt and horse P21 157 pucky (Caleb's word for horseshit). Bob Dylan and the rest were all P21 158 singing about the land, and every stoned, long-haired mother's P21 159 child was heading for country.

P21 160 My poor mother, with her Hungarian dreams and Hebrew P21 161 up-bringing, would turn in her grave to know I'm still P21 162 teaching in a three-room school with no library or gymnasium, Caleb P21 163 ten years dead, our youngest boy packed off to the state P21 164 university, the ranch not even paying its taxes, and me, her only P21 165 child, keeping company with a two-hundred-and-thirty-pound logger P21 166 who lives in a trailer.

P21 167 "Marry a doctor," she used to say, "or P21 168 better, a concert pianist," and she was not joking. She P21 169 invented middle-class stories for me from our walk-up flat on the P21 170 South Side of Chicago: I would live in a white house in the suburbs P21 171 like she had always wanted; my neighbors would be rich and P21 172 cultured; the air itself, fragrant with lilacs in May and heady P21 173 with burning oak leaves in October, could lift us out of the city's P21 174 grime right into her American dream. My mother would smile with P21 175 secret intentions. "You will send your children to P21 176 Harvard."

P21 177 Frank's been married twice. "Twice-burned" is how he P21 178 names it, and there are Bowman kids scattered up and down the P21 179 Blackfoot Valley. Some of them are his. I met his first wife, Fay P21 180 Dell, before I ever met Frank. That was eighteen years ago. It was P21 181 Easter vacation, and I had taken two hundred dollars out of our P21 182 meager savings to buy a horse for our brand-new herd. I remember P21 183 the day clear as any picture. I remember mud and Blackfoot clay.

P21 184 Fay Dell is standing in a pasture above Monture Creek. She P21 185 wears faded brown Carhartt coveralls, as they do up here in the P21 186 winters, and her irrigating boots are crusted with yellow mud. P21 187 March runoff has every patch of bare ground spitting streams, P21 188 trickles, and puddles of brackish water. Two dozen horses circle P21 189 around her. Their ears are laid back and they eye me, ready for P21 190 flight. She calls them by name, her voice low, sugary as the P21 191 carrots she holds in her rough hands.

P21 192 "Take your pick," she says.

P21 193 I stroke the velvet muzzle of a two-year-old sorrel, a purebred P21 194 quarter horse with a white blaze on her forehead.

P21 195 "Sweet Baby," she says. "You got an eye P21 196 for the good ones."

P21 197 "How much?"

P21 198 "Sorry. That baby is promised."

P21 199 I walk over to a long-legged bay. There's a smile on Fay Dell's P21 200 lips, but her eyes give another message.

P21 201 "Marigold," she says, rubbing the mare's swollen belly. P21 202 "She's in foal. Can't sell my brood mare."

P21 203 P21 204 P21 205 P22 1 <#FROWN:P22\>I WAS A PROM DATE RENEGADE

P22 2 FICTION BY REBECCA LANNING

P22 3 "Guess what?" I moaned.

P22 4 Miranda and I were standing by our lockers just before first P22 5 period when I told her the depressing news. "Douglass P22 6 Bartholomew called me up last night and asked me to the P22 7 prom."

P22 8 "Oh really," she said with a half smile. P22 9 "That's nice."

P22 10 "Who are you kidding?" I snapped as I slammed P22 11 my locker door. "He caught me off guard. I didn't know what P22 12 to say."

P22 13 Miranda shrugged. "So why didn't you turn him P22 14 down?"

P22 15 I looked up the hall, hoping I wouldn't see Douglass. He's not P22 16 hard to spot. He's real tall with a long neck and this orangy hair. P22 17 I know some girls think he's kinda cute, but he reminded me of ... P22 18 well, a giraffe. "I guess I was desperate," I P22 19 confessed.

P22 20 See, the prom was coming up in less than two weeks, and P22 21 everyone had a date but me. I was thinking of begging my cousin P22 22 Julian to take me, but I couldn't handle the humiliation of showing P22 23 up with a blood relative. I stared down at my feet, at my new red P22 24 cowboy boots. I'd bought them on a whim, hoping they'd attract the P22 25 attention of some bold, dare-devil kind of guy. Instead, I roped in P22 26 Douglass.

P22 27 "You know," Miranda said. She was playing with P22 28 her earring, not looking at me. "I'm glad Douglass got to P22 29 you before -" She bit her lip. "Never P22 30 mind," she said quickly. But her eyes told me she knew P22 31 something big.

P22 32 "What?!" I clutched her arm. "Was someone else P22 33 going to ask me to the prom?"

P22 34 Miranda stepped back a little. "Come on, P22 35 Cammie," she said. "It's a done deal. Don't start P22 36 stirring things up."

P22 37 "Tell me!" I pleaded.

P22 38 "Forget it," Miranda said shaking her head. P22 39 "Douglass is a nice guy, so let's just drop it, P22 40 okay?"

P22 41 I felt like pinching Miranda, or at least tickling her, until P22 42 her mouth fell open and the truth came pouring out. But I could P22 43 tell by the way she held her jaw that she'd never back down. She P22 44 was like a stern mother that way, always thinking she knew what was P22 45 best for me.

P22 46 But she didn't really have any idea what it was like to be P22 47 me. Miranda was a star; I was space dust. I mean, when she made P22 48 cheerleader our sophomore year, I got elected treasurer of the P22 49 Latin Club. When she was voted Best Looking Girl of the junior P22 50 class, I was named Library Assistant of the Year. And this year, P22 51 when Miranda was nominated for prom queen, I was appointed head of P22 52 the prom decorations committee.

P22 53 "Listen," Miranda said before heading off to calculus. P22 54 "You'll have a great time at the prom with Douglass. He's P22 55 so smart and funny. Maybe we can even double date."

P22 56 "I doubt it," I said. The mere thought made me P22 57 wince. After all, Miranda's date was Rex Riley, the president of P22 58 the student body, the biggest catch of our senior class. He'd P22 59 probably wear a tux and dance like Patrick Swayze. Douglass would P22 60 probably wear some boring blue suit and weird shoes with P22 61 tassles.

P22 62 Suddenly, I felt like disappearing for a few weeks, maybe head P22 63 down to Florida. Take up wind surfing. Come back after the prom P22 64 with blond highlights and a great tan. I could change my name to P22 65 CoCo. I mean, it was the spring of my senior year. The air around P22 66 me was supposed to crackle with excitement. I should be gathering P22 67 tons of memories to look back on in my old age. Instead, my life P22 68 was just one big ordinary bore.

P22 69 In English class this morning, Douglass stared at me for the P22 70 entire 48 minutes. Then, at lunch, while I was in the art room P22 71 working on the decorations, he appeared in the doorway. I think, P22 72 he'd grown an inch since second period. As he brushed back his P22 73 scraggly orange bangs, he flashed me a big grin. "How's it P22 74 going!" he asked.

P22 75 "Fine," I said distractedly. I kept working, cutting P22 76 stars out of cardboard, covering them with tin foil. The theme for P22 77 the prom was 'Starry, Starry Night."

P22 78 Naturally, Douglass didn't get the hint. He wandered into the P22 79 room and settled down next to me at the long, wooden table. P22 80 "I like your boots," he offered.

P22 81 "Gee, thanks," I said and smiled. At least I P22 82 tried to smile.

P22 83 Douglass scooted his chair even closer to mine. He had on this P22 84 wrinkly white oxford shirt and baggy old khakis. He smelled like P22 85 furniture polish. "Tell me something," he said. P22 86 "Do you like pork chops?"

P22 87 "What?" I said.

P22 88 "Do you like -"

P22 89 "I heard you. Why do you want to know?" I knew P22 90 I was being mean, but I just couldn't help myself.

P22 91 Douglass puffed up his chest like a bird. "I thought I P22 92 might cook pork chops at my house before the prom. We can have a P22 93 nice candlelit dinner. I can get some great chops from Sloan's, P22 94 real thick and tasty."

P22 95 Douglass worked in the meat department of Sloan's Supermarket. P22 96 Whenever I ran in there, on an errand for Mom, he'd always follow P22 97 me around in his white uniform, trying to help me find the bread P22 98 crumbs or waxed beans or whatever was on my list. Now I tried to P22 99 picture myself at his house eating pork chops by candlelight. I P22 100 guess he thought it would be romantic. I could imagine his parents P22 101 lurking in the next room, barging in every few minutes to snap a P22 102 photo of Douglass and me trying to chew and smile at the same time. P22 103 The whole idea gave me the creeps, but what could I say? P22 104 "Sure, Douglass," I sighed. "I like pork P22 105 chops just fine."

P22 106 That afternoon after school, I borrowed Mom's station wagon and P22 107 Miranda and I went to Longview Mall. While she was looking for some P22 108 earrings to match her prom gown, I went hunting for some kind of P22 109 self-help book. Tips for Surviving a Prom Date Disaster. How P22 110 to Act Nice When You Feel Like Killing Someone.

P22 111 I was about to walk into the bookstore, when I spotted Bo P22 112 Grady, the star of the soccer team, heading my way. My knees got P22 113 all wobby. We'd gone out once in the fall of our junior year. P22 114 Shortly after that, Bo started dating Samantha Rawlings, and he'd P22 115 been dating her ever since. But his good-night kiss still ranked P22 116 right up there on the list of my life's highlights. I think he had P22 117 electric lips.

P22 118 "Hey, Cammie. What's up?" Bo said as he P22 119 approached me. He had on these real faded 501s with holes in the P22 120 knees and a gray T-shirt that said Class of '92. He was carrying a P22 121 big shopping bag from Athletic Attitudes. My heart flip-flopped.

P22 122 "Not much," I said trying to act nonchalant. P22 123 "Just waiting on Miranda. She's having a total cow about P22 124 earrings for the prom." I rolled my eyes.

P22 125 Bo rolled up the end of his shopping bag. "So, I don't P22 126 suppose you have a date, do you?"

P22 127 "We- Well, ..." I stuttered. My throat turned P22 128 dry as a bone.

P22 129 Right at that moment, Bo stepped a little closer toward me. He P22 130 smelled good, like a lime.

P22 131 "Listen," he whispered. "Samantha and I broke P22 132 up." He sort of checked me out from head to toe. I fell P22 133 into a deep freeze. "Have you heard anything about P22 134 it?"

P22 135 "Well, no, actually, I hadn't heard. I'm real P22 136 sorry."

P22 137 Bo shrugged and bit his lip. "I realize this is kind of P22 138 late notice," he said. "But if you don't already P22 139 have a date for the prom, would you like to go with me?"

P22 140 My mind started racing. This was like a dream come true and a P22 141 nightmare all in one. I mean, why did he and Samantha break up so P22 142 close to the prom? And what about Douglass? I couldn't back out on P22 143 him now. Or could I? This was my chance at having the kind of prom P22 144 night I really wanted. The kind that you remember all your life. I P22 145 looked up at Bo. Our eyes locked. Suddenly, I didn't care about P22 146 doing the right thing. Bo Grady was cool. He was popular. He did P22 147 not remind me of a giraffe. That's when the words, "I'd P22 148 love to go to the prom with you, Bo," popped out of my P22 149 mouth.

P22 150 Bo smiled and threw me a playful punch. "That's great, P22 151 Cammie," he said. "Maybe we can have dinner first P22 152 at Le Chateau."

P22 153 For a second, I couldn't speak. I mean, I'd never been to Le P22 154 Chateau. But how was I going to work this out? I felt like an P22 155 outlaw or something. I wanted to hop on a train and make a fast P22 156 getaway. "That sounds wonderful, Bo" I squeaked. P22 157 And suddenly, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes.

P22 158 "Was that Bo Grady you were talking to?" P22 159 Miranda asked as we headed out to the parking lot. I was walking P22 160 real fast, and Miranda was eyeing me suspiciously. "Did he P22 161 tell you Samantha dumped him again - this time for some college P22 162 guy?"

P22 163 "Sort of," I said and got behind the wheel of P22 164 Mom's station wagon. Before Miranda could even fasten her seat P22 165 belt, I was backing out. "Bo just asked me to the P22 166 prom." I said it, but still couldn't believe it.

P22 167 Miranda gave me this look, and suddenly I remembered her P22 168 hinting around that someone else was interested in being my prom P22 169 date. "Was he the guy?" I asked as I sped past P22 170 Fallon Park. "The guy you'd heard might ask me?"

P22 171 Miranda stared out the window, at the azaleas blooming P22 172 everywhere. "It was just some rumor," she muttered. P22 173 "I figured he was on the rebound from Samantha. I didn't P22 174 mention it because I didn't want you to get hurt. Bo can be kind of P22 175 thoughtless sometimes."

P22 176 I whipped the car on to Lassiter Road.

P22 177 "Don't you think that's something I could've decided P22 178 for myself?!" I was furious. Miranda: my mom away from P22 179 Mom.

P22 180 "I'm sorry," she offered. "I should've P22 181 told you what I'd heard." Then she pulled her rhinestone P22 182 earrings out of the bag and held them up to the sunlight. Shiny P22 183 little dots flashed all over the car. "I guess Bo was P22 184 bummed when you told him you were going to the prom with Douglass, P22 185 huh?"

P22 186 "I'm not going with Douglass," I said P22 187 matter-of-factly.

P22 188 Miranda stuffed her earrings back in the bag. P22 189 "What?!"

P22 190 "I'm going to the prom with Bo." I don't know P22 191 why, but I was driving real fast. The engine kept backfiring.

P22 192 "You're making a big mistake, Cammie," she P22 193 said. "You're making a HUGE mistake." Miranda kept P22 194 shaking her head so much I thought maybe it would fall off. P22 195 "Bo and Samantha are bound to get back together. They P22 196 always do. What are you going to tell Douglass? You're going to P22 197 break his heart. You're going to ruin him for life!"

P22 198 "Get off it, Miranda," I snapped. P22 199 "He'll get over it. And so will you."

P22 200 "But Douglass is really looking forward to the prom. P22 201 This afternoon in chemistry, he was telling me about his pork chop P22 202 recipe. He really, really likes you."

P22 203 "You know what? I am really, really sick of your P22 204 junk," I said. Miranda glared at me. "It's easy for P22 205 you to sit here and preach to me about keeping my word. But would P22 206 you go to the prom with Douglass Bartholomew? Would P22 207 you?"

P22 208 Miranda sat up straight and clasped her hands together. P22 209 "If he asked me, yes, I'd go with him."

P22 210 "But that's just it!" I practically screamed. P22 211 "Douglass would never ask you to the prom or any place P22 212 else. You're like some ... some totally up there girl. You can be P22 213 all friendly with him. But that's because you know he'd never even P22 214 think about asking you out. You're not on his level, and he P22 215 knows it. And you know it. And you don't have any right to judge me P22 216 for going out with somebody I really feel like going out P22 217 with!" P22 218 P23 1 <#FROWN:P23\>THE DAY BEFORE DAVID HOWELL was to leave for college, P23 2 the weather turned to autumn.

P23 3 Martin had reluctantly folded down the back seat of the Volvo P23 4 station wagon to allow as much space as possible to pack everything P23 5 his son needed for school. "Your mother and I had planned P23 6 to drive you tomorrow, but now there isn't enough room for both of P23 7 us. Are you sure you need all this stuff?"

P23 8 "Mom made out the list." David held up a sheet P23 9 of notepaper. Dinah recognized her careful list from five months P23 10 back, but she knew she hadn't suggested that David take his skis. P23 11 She thought about how she wouldn't be able to see David's room, to P23 12 get a picture of where he would be living, or even to tell him P23 13 goodbye.

P23 14 Martin was wrestling with the skis, trying to fit them in while P23 15 David reached into the car to adjust them himself. Dinah decided to P23 16 leave the two of them alone. "I'm going inside unless you P23 17 need me."

P23 18 Martin emerged from the station wagon and stood running his P23 19 eyes over the items that were yet to be packed.

P23 20 "What's with this damned stereo?" he asked her. P23 21 "His room would have to be the size of an auditorium to do P23 22 the thing justice. It must be some macho thing. Like we were with P23 23 cars."

P23 24 "Well, at least no one can get pregnant in the back P23 25 seat of it," Dinah said, turning and making for the P23 26 house.

P23 27 Dinah went inside and called for dinner reservations at their P23 28 favorite restaurant. She had decided as she watched the car slowly P23 29 fill up with David's belongings that it was important to attempt a P23 30 modest celebration to mark the beginning of his college career. But P23 31 when she announced that she had made reservations for seven P23 32 o'clock, David's face registered irritation.

P23 33 "I was going to see Christie tonight, Mom. It's my last P23 34 night at home."

P23 35 "I'd love to have Christie come, sweetie. We'd like to P23 36 see a little of you, too, on your last night," she said P23 37 lightly. "You and Christie will have the rest of the P23 38 evening." She looked directly at him with an expression of P23 39 huge good humor that brooked no disagreement.

P23 40 The Candlelight Inn was the first civilized restaurant to which P23 41 they had ever taken David and Toby. At the time, Dinah was heavily P23 42 pregnant with Sarah. On the drive over, Martin and Dinah had P23 43 instructed the two little boys about not misbehaving.

P23 44 "Absolutely no diving under the table if you drop your P23 45 napkin," Martin said. "Or for any other P23 46 reason," he added.

P23 47 They had been seated at a table in front of the fireplace; Toby P23 48 and David were stiff in their blazers and amazingly subdued as they P23 49 drank sodas and listened to their parents discuss the menu over P23 50 their drinks. David had opened his own menu and studied it P23 51 solemnly; and when their waiter had come to take their order, David P23 52 had looked up at the man and inquired, "How is the lamb P23 53 tonight?" Without a blink the waiter had replied, P23 54 "It's very good, sir."

P23 55 Dinah and Martin's eyes had met in amazement in one of those P23 56 moments when one acknowledges the utter separateness of one's P23 57 children from oneself. And because of the waiter's absolute lack of P23 58 hesitation, The Candlelight Inn had been Dinah's favorite P23 59 restaurant ever since.

P23 60 This evening, though, Dinah realized that eating dinner in a P23 61 public place often affected people as if they were performing on P23 62 stage. Tonight it was all to the good. Sarah launched into a long P23 63 tale illustrating the unfairness of her field hockey coach; and P23 64 Christie sympathized. If there had not been waiters coming and P23 65 going, however, and diners at other tables who glanced their way P23 66 occasionally, the five of them would have sat silent in an P23 67 atmosphere permeated with the tension of David's imminent P23 68 departure.

P23 69 Sarah leaned around Christie to speak to David. "Do you P23 70 remember when we tried to convince Mom that the next time we buy a P23 71 car it should be something besides a Volvo?" She glanced P23 72 around the rest of the table, signaling amusement, but David shook P23 73 his head.

P23 74 "Oh, David. Don't you remember? Mom was saying how safe P23 75 they were, that we didn't need to be able to go any faster. That P23 76 the point of having a car at all is just to be able to get from one P23 77 place to another." Sarah made her tone didactic.

P23 78 David smiled. "Oh, yeah, now I do."

P23 79 Sarah laughed and nodded, and Dinah smiled, too, knowing where P23 80 the conversation was headed. "Mom pulled up at a stoplight P23 81 and looked over at this car next to us and she said, 'Now, I can P23 82 see that a small car like that might be handy for just doing P23 83 errands around town.' And David and I looked over at it, and it was P23 84 this incredible white Porsche!"

P23 85 Dinah shrugged and joined the general laughter. She was glad to P23 86 have Sarah and David reminiscing. She could hear the fondness in P23 87 her children's voices. But it was also as if the sharp, first chill P23 88 of fall had crept into her own spirit, because she came up hard P23 89 against the reality that she no longer had any power to protect her P23 90 children from anything at all.

P23 91 She couldn't, in fact, be sure they traveled only in safe cars P23 92 - a phobia with her since Toby's death six years ago. She could no P23 93 longer be sure they wore their seat-belts, put on life P23 94 jackets when they went sailing. She couldn't keep them from harm. P23 95 And all her efforts at having done so - "Be home before P23 96 dark! Don't talk on the phone during a thunderstorm! Plastic bags P23 97 from the cleaner's are not toys!" - would be relegated P23 98 to the nostalgia of their youth. She and Martin had become P23 99 anecdotes in their own children's lives.

P23 100 MARTIN SLEPT SOUNDLY, AS usual, but Dinah heard David come in P23 101 about two o'clock and move around the house. She would have liked P23 102 to go downstairs, but she knew she should give him the solitary run P23 103 of the nighttime rooms. When she did wake up early in the morning, P23 104 she was surprised to see that Martin wasn't asleep beside her. His P23 105 side of the bed was empty. In the kitchen she discovered she was P23 106 the last one to come downstairs, even though it was only 6:30. P23 107 Martin had made coffee, and Sarah was having orange juice at the P23 108 table. Dinah had planned on preparing a grand meal to see David P23 109 off, but everyone had eaten. Martin and David were huddled over an P23 110 enormous schefflera in a terra-cotta pot that Christie had given P23 111 David for his dorm room.

P23 112 "There's no way in the world we can fit that thing into P23 113 the car, David. We'll bring it on Parents' Weekend."

P23 114 "I know I can fit it in. Scheffleras are probably the P23 115 best plants to clean toxic substances out of the air. They work P23 116 almost like a scrubber."

P23 117 "Well, you'll have to hold your breath until October, P23 118 then."

P23 119 "Dad, don't worry about it. I'll get it in," P23 120 David said stonily, and went out to survey the possibilities.

P23 121 Dinah moved around the kitchen helplessly, collecting cereal P23 122 bowls, putting things back in cabinets. Martin finished his coffee P23 123 and poured another cup. He was already dressed, while Dinah had P23 124 only slipped in her pink flannel robe. "I'd like to get P23 125 going as soon as we can," Martin said. "If it takes P23 126 us about three and a half hours, we'll probably be earlier than P23 127 most, and it won't be so hard to unload."

P23 128 Time was flying past her, this moment before David would be P23 129 gone.

P23 130 Martin was uneasy this morning, too, with a kind of regret and P23 131 tension that he hadn't expected to feel. He wanted to get this over P23 132 with.

P23 133 David came back into the kitchen. "I can fit it in, P23 134 Dad. There's no problem."

P23 135 "Okay, then. Ready to hit the road?"

P23 136 "Yeah," he said, "I'm all set."

P23 137 Martin rinsed his coffee cup and headed out the door, and David P23 138 and Sarah followed him. Dinah looked around at the empty room, and P23 139 her eyes filled with tears. She wiped them away quickly with her P23 140 sleeve before she trailed after the rest of her family.

P23 141 Martin was sitting in the driver's seat with the door open, P23 142 unsuccessfully trying to slide the seat back against the immovable P23 143 mass of David's possessions. David was leaning against the car P23 144 while Sarah stood by holding the plant.

P23 145 When Dinah met her son's eyes she saw that he, too, was near P23 146 tears. She simply moved toward him, and he embraced her fiercely, P23 147 wrapping his arms around her shoulders and putting his face down P23 148 against the top of her head.

P23 149 "Oh, sweetie," she said, overcoming the break P23 150 in her voice, "oh, sweetie! I hope everything is just P23 151 perfect. I hope you have a wonderful time and ... I hope ... well, P23 152 I'm so excited for you! Harvard's lucky to get you."

P23 153 David held on to her tightly. "I love you, P23 154 Mom," he said, almost brusquely, and then turned and P23 155 climbed into the passenger seat of the car and Sarah gave him the P23 156 schefflera to balance in his lap. Dinah bent down into the car and P23 157 kissed him on the cheek. "I love you, too, sweetie. We'll P23 158 miss you." She backed away a bit so David could close the P23 159 door. Martin put the gear in neutral while he twisted to shift P23 160 several items, and then the car began to move slowly toward the end P23 161 of the drive.

P23 162 "Have a safe trip," Dinah called. David waved P23 163 his hand up over the roof. Then the car turned onto Slade Road.

P23 164 DINAH DECIDED TO ACCOMPANY Martin when he took Duchess for her P23 165 afternoon walk. For the first few weeks after David's departure she P23 166 had been reluctant to leave the house in case her son might phone. P23 167 In fact, he had called only once, and nothing he had said had P23 168 appeased the longing that his busy voice evoked. His classes were P23 169 fine. He liked his roommate, and his room was fine. She hung up the P23 170 phone, assuring herself that she was delighted he was content, but P23 171 she had been momentarily shattered with yearning.

P23 172 As Dinah and Martin cut across the front yard, Duchess kept P23 173 circling back on her leash, tangling herself around their legs, P23 174 wagging her tail in excitement and delight at having Dinah with P23 175 them. "This will be a good thing," Dinah said. P23 176 "I never get any exercise."

P23 177 "Walking with Duchess isn't very invigorating," P23 178 Martin said.

P23 179 "Maybe we can train her to heel," Dinah mused, P23 180 but they both looked doubtfully at the shambling dog whose muzzle P23 181 was almost completely gray. They made their way along the path P23 182 fairly briskly, Martin leading the way and Duchess crashing through P23 183 the brush behind them.

P23 184 When they reached a natural summit, Dinah was out of breath. P23 185 She sank down to sit on the ground, bracing herself against the P23 186 trunk of an enormous spruce, and looked out on the valley. P23 187 "This seems pretty invigorating to me," she said to P23 188 Martin, who hadn't sat down, and she looked up at him. "Can P23 189 we stop for a little while? I need to catch my breath."

P23 190 Martin lowered himself to the ground beside her, and the P23 191 powerful scent of evergreens enveloped them.

P23 192 "You've been thinking about Toby, haven't you?" P23 193 Martin asked her.

P23 194 She looked at him in surprise. "No, not P23 195 really." She didn't want to talk about Toby's death. She P23 196 thought that with David's recent departure they were both P23 197 susceptible to opportunistic sorrow, as if the flu had been going P23 198 around and their white counts were low.

P23 199 "You know," he said, "I still keep P23 200 wondering if there wasn't some way I could have avoided that wreck. P23 201 I've gone over it and over it. I was so distracted ..."

P23 202 "If you could have avoided it?" Dinah's voice P23 203 rose a little in consternation. "Don't even think about P23 204 that, Martin. Of course you couldn't have avoided it. That's not P23 205 fair to yourself - for you to try to ... oh ... take on the P23 206 responsibility." P23 207 P24 1 <#FROWN:P24\>"It cracks me up. She really gets upset at P24 2 tractors on the road. I just pass them, but my mom follows them for P24 3 miles. It's so funny."

P24 4 "You have your license already?" Christy P24 5 asked.

P24 6 "No, just my permit. But I drive all the time anyway. P24 7 Everyone does."

P24 8 "What about the insurance? What if you got in an P24 9 accident?"

P24 10 "I don't know."

P24 11 "You're kidding!" Christy looked at bright-eyed P24 12 Paula. "Insurance is a big deal here. Nobody can drive P24 13 without insurance, and it's super expensive. My Uncle Bob said he'd P24 14 pay my insurance for the first year if I passed my driver's test P24 15 the first time I tried."

P24 16 David turned around and announced, "And she needs P24 17 insurance! She already had an accident!"

P24 18 "You did? What happened?" Paula quizzed her.

P24 19 Christy gave her brother a dirty look before explaining the P24 20 parking lot incident in a matter-of-fact way, hoping it would come P24 21 across as no big deal.

P24 22 Paula giggled. "That must've been embarrassing! Did P24 23 anyone see you do it?"

P24 24 "No, just my dad."

P24 25 "So, did you get your license yet?"

P24 26 "I haven't taken the test yet. My birthday's not until P24 27 ..." Christy's eyes grew big and bright. "I can't P24 28 believe it! I almost forgot all about my birthday!"

P24 29 "Hey," Paula added, "it's tomorrow, isn't it? P24 30 With all the Hawaii stuff, I almost forgot too. I'm so sure! You're P24 31 going to spend your sixteenth birthday in Hawaii. Is that like a P24 32 dream, or what?"

P24 33 "You may end up spending your sixteenth birthday in P24 34 this car, if that motor home doesn't move it!" Mom P24 35 sputtered.

P24 36 Christy and Paula turned and made giggly faces at each other, P24 37 laughing at Mom's anxiety attack. A few minutes later they spotted P24 38 the reason for the clogged freeway - a stalled truck had closed off P24 39 the center lane, and traffic had been routed around on both P24 40 sides.

P24 41 Once they made it past the holdup, the freeway cleared, but the P24 42 tension kept building until they reached Marti's. Then the P24 43 fireworks really began. Christy and Paula watched as the two women P24 44 acted like teenage sisters, squabbling over why Mom was fifteen P24 45 minutes late, which car they should take, and why they couldn't P24 46 have been more organized.

P24 47 The group ended up in Mom's car, with David in the backseat, P24 48 his seatbelt tightly holding both him and the duffle bag, and Marti P24 49 in the front seat with a suitcase under her feet.

P24 50 "This is precisely why I requested you each fit your P24 51 things into one suitcase apiece," Marti scolded. P24 52 "This day is certainly starting out wrong; I've never left P24 53 so late for a flight in my life!"

P24 54 "We hit a lot of traffic, and there was a stalled P24 55 truck," Mom explained, still gripping the steering wheel P24 56 tightly as she maneuvered back onto the freeway.

P24 57 "We might be able to bypass some of the P24 58 traffic," Marti suggested, "if we get on the 405. P24 59 See the sign there? Stay in this lane."

P24 60 Mom followed the directions while Marti continued to make P24 61 plans. "Okay, now, if we do miss our flight, which I P24 62 certainly hope we don't, then we'll find out when the next flight P24 63 leaves and switch to that."

P24 64 As it turned out, they didn't need Marti's alternative. They P24 65 made it to the airport, checked their luggage, received their seat P24 66 assignments and ended up with half an hour before they could even P24 67 board the plane. Mom gave in to David's pleas for a pack of gum, P24 68 and the two of them scurried off to the nearest shop, leaving a P24 69 somewhat subdued Marti sitting in the waiting area with the P24 70 girls.

P24 71 "We should've gone with them," Paula suggested P24 72 after Mom and David were out of view. "I don't have any P24 73 gum, and my ears always bother me on airplanes."

P24 74 "Paula," Christy pointed out, "you've only been P24 75 on one airplane in your whole life and that was a few days ago P24 76 coming out here."

P24 77 "I know. And I chewed gum the whole time. Marti, would P24 78 it be okay if we went to get some gum?"

P24 79 "I suppose. If you hurry. I'll stay here with the P24 80 carryons. Don't forget, we board in less than half an P24 81 hour."

P24 82 "Would you like us to bring you anything?" P24 83 Paula asked sweetly.

P24 84 "No thanks, dear. Just hurry!"

P24 85 Paula and Christy briskly nudged their way through a throng of P24 86 people lined up at the check-in desk. Christy suggested they make a P24 87 quick stop at the bathroom too, since Marti had said the flight P24 88 would take five hours.

P24 89 "First some gum," Paula directed. "And P24 90 I saw a magazine I wanted to get while we were running past all P24 91 those shops on the way in."

P24 92 Suddenly Paula stopped. "I don't believe it!" P24 93 she squealed under her breath, or as under her breath as Paula was P24 94 capable of squealing. Then plunging her hand deep into her huge P24 95 shoulder bag, she rummaged around until she pulled out a pair of P24 96 glasses, which she quickly slipped on.

P24 97 "When did you start to wear glasses?" Christy P24 98 asked.

P24 99 That's him! Over there; see him? That's the guy from P24 100 that TV show -what's that show? You know, there's these two guys P24 101 and -"

P24 102 Grabbing Christy by the arm Paula yanked her around the P24 103 bathroom area and into another section of the terminal. P24 104 "Come on! He's going this way! Did you see him? What's his P24 105 name, Christy? I can't remember his name!"

P24 106 "Paula!" Christy yanked her arm back and yelled at her P24 107 friend, "Paula!"

P24 108 Paula turned, looking dazed but still heading toward the movie P24 109 star. "What? What! Come on!"

P24 110 Christy hustled to keep up with her. "I don't see who P24 111 you're even talking about! Come on, Paula! What are you P24 112 doing?"

P24 113 "I'm going to get my first movie star's autograph! Come P24 114 on!"

P24 115 They blitzed past a large tour group and ended up in a section P24 116 of the airport that had two wings to choose from.

P24 117 "This one." Paula grabbed Christy by the arm P24 118 again. "I saw him go this way."

P24 119 "Paula! Do you even know who we're chasing?"

P24 120 "I can't think of his name. He's on that show, you know P24 121 ..." Paula stopped short. "Where did he go? I don't P24 122 see him!"

P24 123 "Paula, I mean it! We have to go back right now! I P24 124 didn't see anybody who looked famous. This is stupid!" P24 125 Christy brimmed with anger and exasperation but kept her words P24 126 brief. "We have to go back right now!"

P24 127 She abruptly turned and marched away from Paula.

P24 128 "Okay, okay, I'm coming." Paula caught up. P24 129 "I know I saw him, though. What's his name? This is going P24 130 to drive me crazy! He's really cute and popular and he's on that P24 131 show ..."

P24 132 "Most movie stars are cute and popular and on P24 133 shows!" Christy picked up her pace, scolding Paula over her P24 134 shoulder. "I can't believe you! We could've gotten lost or P24 135 missed our plane over this phantom movie star!"

P24 136 "Wait, Christy," Paula urged, slipping her P24 137 glasses back into the bag and grabbing Christy's arm again, which P24 138 Christy jerked away. "I want to go in here and get some P24 139 gum."

P24 140 "We don't have time!"

P24 141 "Yes, we do. Your aunt was just pressuring everybody. P24 142 We have like an hour until the plane takes off."

P24 143 "Half an hour," Christy corrected.

P24 144 "Half an hour till we board; then it takes another half P24 145 hour until the plane even takes off. We have plenty of P24 146 time."

P24 147 Paula entered the small souvenir shop and took her time P24 148 browsing through the magazines before selecting one. She picked up P24 149 a pack of gum and held it up for Christy to see. "You like P24 150 this kind?"

P24 151 "I don't care. Anything. Let's go!"

P24 152 Paula slipped her purchases into her bag, and the two girls P24 153 stepped back into the main terminal area and looked around. Neither P24 154 of them moved. Nothing looked familiar.

P24 155 "We go this way," Paula said, regaining her P24 156 self-assurance.

P24 157 "Are you sure? I thought our gate was over P24 158 there."

P24 159 A cloud of uncertainty came over Paula, casting a puzzled P24 160 shadow on her expression and giving away her feelings of terror.

P24 161 The noise and constant hubbub from the throngs of people P24 162 rushing past them made Christy feel dizzy.

P24 163 "Let's ask somebody," Paula said breathlessly, P24 164 scanning the bustling crowd, apparently looking for a stranger who P24 165 appeared approachable and trustworthy.

P24 166 "We can't just start talking to some P24 167 stranger!"

P24 168 "Then what are we going to do?" Paula dug her P24 169 fingernails into Christy's arm, sounding as panicked as she looked. P24 170 "What are we going to do? We're lost!"

P24 171 "Let go!" Christy said. "Where's one of P24 172 those TV monitors that shows all the flights and their P24 173 times?"

P24 174 "Over there!" Paula spotted one on the wall P24 175 behind them. "What flight are we on? What airline? Do you P24 176 know? I don't even know what airline we're on!"

P24 177 "It was United, wasn't it?" Christy asked, as P24 178 they scrambled closer to the monitor for a better view.

P24 179 "There!" Paula said pointing. "Honolulu! P24 180 There's a flight in half an hour to Honolulu. That's us, isn't it? P24 181 Honolulu is in Hawaii, isn't it? Of course it is. Isn't P24 182 it?" Her voice rose and became squeakier.

P24 183 "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Christy's irritation overtook P24 184 her fear. "But what's the one listed above it? How do you P24 185 say that - Ka-hu-lu-i?" Christy asked. "I think P24 186 that's the airport we're going to because that one leaves at the P24 187 time we were supposed to, and it has a Hawaiian name."

P24 188 "How do you know it's a Hawaiian name? Honolulu - now P24 189 that's a Hawaiian name. Kahului could be some place in Bora Bora, P24 190 or worse, it could be a flight to the Antarctic! We can't go P24 191 jumping on the first flight we find that has a Hawaiian-sounding P24 192 name! I think we should go to Gate 87 where the flight to Honolulu P24 193 is. Everyone knows Honolulu is in Hawaii."

P24 194 Just then the Kahului line began to blink, and instead of a P24 195 time being listed, the words "now boarding" flashed P24 196 across the screen.

P24 197 "Now boarding, Paula! I know that's our flight! I know P24 198 it! And they're leaving right now. Come on! Gate 57. Where's Gate P24 199 57?"

P24 200 The girls took off sprinting down the nearest wing of the P24 201 terminal, then realized it was the wrong one and ran the other way, P24 202 following signs and bumping into people. Both of them were crying. P24 203 Panting and blinking wildly, they suddenly recognized the wing P24 204 they'd started from.

P24 205 "This is it! I'm sure of it," Christy said, and P24 206 the girls dashed to the waiting area which previously had been P24 207 crowded with people. It was empty now, except for Christy's mother, P24 208 who had her back to them. She stood next to the ticket counter, P24 209 talking to the flight attendant and using sharp hand motions.

P24 210 "Mom!" Christy yelled from twenty yards back, not P24 211 caring who heard her. "Mom!"

P24 212 "Mrs. Miller!" Paula screeched.

P24 213 Mom spun around, and instead of welcoming them with a relieved P24 214 embrace, she planted both fists on her hips. Her face, stern as P24 215 stone, told Christy everything she didn't want to know.

P24 216 "We missed the plane, girls," Mom stated. P24 217 "We missed the plane! Where have you been?"

P24 218 Christy scrambled to gain her composure and respond as maturely P24 219 as possible. Before she could say a word, Paula let her emotions P24 220 rip. With wild sobs, she clung to Mom's arm and went on P24 221 hysterically about trying to get away from some strange man and P24 222 getting lost and being afraid the man was going to kidnap them and P24 223 a whole bunch of other unintelligible garble.

P24 224 Mom instantly changed her approach and tried to calm Paula down P24 225 before she drew a crowd. Christy kept all her terrified feelings P24 226 from being lost to herself and wiped away her tears.

P24 227 "Excuse me," the flight attendant interjected, P24 228 leaning over the counter and looking much sweeter and more P24 229 concerned than she had when Mom had been talking with her a few P24 230 minutes ago. "Are you girls okay?"

P24 231 Christy nodded.

P24 232 Paula could have landed a role in a melodrama with her P24 233 reaction. She curled in her lower lip, opened her eyes wide and let P24 234 more inky, mascara-stained tears zigzag down her baby face.

P24 235 Then softly, to Christy's mom, the uniformed woman said, P24 236 "We did experience an abduction of an eight-year-old girl P24 237 at the airport last Thursday. Perhaps I should call P24 238 security."

P24 239 P25 1 <#FROWN:P25\>EDGE OF ROCK

P25 2 Fiction by May Mansoor Munn

P25 3 This was the last breath of summer, its heat suffocating, P25 4 weighing her down. Laila is on her knees in her front yard, P25 5 scraping at earth, when she sees the boy once more loop around in P25 6 the street on his bicycle. Not more than eleven, she thinks, a P25 7 small figure of a boy in an odd-looking hat. He reminds her of her P25 8 son, Omar, when he was that age: a grapevine, resting on air, its P25 9 tendrils reaching toward the sun.

P25 10 Her dog, Charlemagne - a gift from her Texas son-in-law - tugs P25 11 at the chain secured to the porch railing as the boy, welded to his P25 12 bicycle, weaves past moving cars in the street. Just then, brakes P25 13 screech and a car comes to a sudden stop in front of Mrs. Rhodes's P25 14 house. A man leans out the car window, shakes his fist at the boy P25 15 who has barely escaped with his life - who now races toward the P25 16 sidewalk, hits the curb, and lands, splayed, near Laila's P25 17 drive-way. His hat, taking off on its own, lands in Mrs. P25 18 Rhodes's rose bushes.

P25 19 "Damn!" he says, loud enough for Laila to hear.

P25 20 He gets up grumpily, crosses over to the roses and retrieves P25 21 his hat.

P25 22 "Guys like him," the boy says scowling, P25 23 "should be put away."

P25 24 Laila glances covertly at the house with the rusted car where, P25 25 she knows, the boy lives. She says, "Your folks might worry P25 26 ... riding your bike in the street like that. Taking P25 27 risks."

P25 28 "Ma expects me to be a sissy, like some girl. But P25 29 Dad don't worry none." He taps the crown of his hat. P25 30 "He got me the hat two years back - just before he skipped P25 31 town." He flashes a grin. "It's been around, that P25 32 hat. Fell in a creek near Livingston a year ago. And once, it blew P25 33 out my Ma's car window ..." A small pause. "Dad's a P25 34 Louisiana man. Last time he wrote, Ma tore up his letter P25 35 ..." A sly look touches the corners of his eyes. P25 36 "But I got them pieces when she weren't looking. Made out P25 37 his address in New Orleans."

P25 38 Laila marvels at his straw hat, with pheasant feathers forming P25 39 its headband. Frayed and drooping, it rests lightly on the crown of P25 40 his head.

P25 41 He points to the patch of brown earth in the midst of green, P25 42 and the clumps of wilted grasses at her knees.

P25 43 "It's against the law, Ma says!"

P25 44 Momentary fear stings her throat. "To dig in my front P25 45 yard? To make a garden?"

P25 46 She understood harassment in a land under occupation. Her P25 47 land. But not here, in America, from this scarecrow of a boy.

P25 48 She looks into the restless gray eyes of the boy, their color P25 49 reminding her of a Wadallah winter sky.

P25 50 "To build in your front yard. It's the law, Ma P25 51 says."

P25 52 "It'll be a fall garden," she explains. P25 53 "The backyard is too shady for growing P25 54 vegetables."

P25 55 But here in the front yard, away from the shade of the mimosa P25 56 tree, she has chosen a few meters to receive full benefit of sun. P25 57 Barely a stone to dig, and no edge of rock to scrape or cut into P25 58 flesh: only rich, loamy earth to weed and till.

P25 59 Crouching, the boy begins to stroke the amber-splashed fur of P25 60 Charlemagne. He asks, looking up, "Does he have a P25 61 name?"

P25 62 "My son-in-law, the history teacher, named him P25 63 Charlemagne."

P25 64 "Funny name for a dog." A reflective pause. P25 65 "Think I'll call him Charlie, for short." The boy's P25 66 gray eyes glint in the sun. "My name's Billy. What's P25 67 yours?"

P25 68 "Laila El-Fihmi." She says it slowly, P25 69 carefully, the way her Detroit teacher pronounced it in English P25 70 class.

P25 71 Billy scratches the back of his head. "Never heard P25 72 that name before ..."

P25 73 "It's an Old Country name." Laila smiles. P25 74 "Mrs. Rhodes next door calls me Miz El - for short. You P25 75 can, too."

P25 76 Billy stands up, looks back at the dog. "Ma don't allow P25 77 no dogs at our house." A matter-of-fact statement brooking P25 78 no sympathy.

P25 79 Tenderness, like a breeze, filters through Laila's defenses. P25 80 "Come by tomorrow at one and have dinner with us," P25 81 she says. "You'll get to meet my daughter, Salwa, and her P25 82 family. You can play with ... Charlie."

P25 83 Billy shrugs. "Don't promise nothing."

P25 84 He gives the dog a quick pat, leaps on his bike, and like a P25 85 young horse-man, gallops across the lawn and back into the P25 86 street. He turns and waves his hat at her - a small, P25 87 city-boy, playing at cowboy.

P25 88 Work in the garden for now must wait. Coring and stuffing the P25 89 squash for tomorrow's dinner will have to come first. A few weeks P25 90 before, when Salwa finally persuaded her mother to leave Detroit P25 91 for Houston, Salwa and her family started to come to dinner every P25 92 Sunday - the children spilling over Laila's small house, filling P25 93 its corners with a vortex of motion and noise. Ramzi, five, his P25 94 brown eyes questioning the hidden meanings of the adult world, P25 95 often came to her for comfort. Katy, two years older and more P25 96 self-sufficient, and Jesse, eight, played their noisier games P25 97 outside, with Charlemagne.

P25 98 Laila brings out the mound of squash, corer and pan, sets them P25 99 all on the patio table, and settles down in the porch swing.

P25 100 As her hands begin to deftly hollow out each squash, she P25 101 considers the shape and color of the houses on her street. Except P25 102 for Mrs. Rhodes's brick house, all the houses in her neighborhood P25 103 are made of wood, with wooden doors and no bars to secure P25 104 windows.

P25 105 Their Wadallah house is built of stone, with iron bars across P25 106 windows and heavy steel doors. Her grandfather built the house to P25 107 last the centuries.

P25 108 But here, in this rented house, a thief could easily break P25 109 glass, or pry open windows and crawl in - unhampered by steel or P25 110 stone. For the first few days of her arrival here from Detroit, the P25 111 thought had kept her awake - until Bob gave her the dog, to allay P25 112 her fears. A dog named Charlemagne.

P25 113 "He's a half-Sheltie," Bob said and expected P25 114 her to understand.

P25 115 In Wadallah she learned her English from a children's book with P25 116 colored pictures and a dog named Spot - not Charlemagne. And in P25 117 Detroit, she took 'intensive' English classes after work, but could P25 118 not quite master American slang.

P25 119 Her husband, Bakri, remained behind in Wadallah - refusing to P25 120 abandon the house, the vineyard, and the olive tree to P25 121 strangers.

P25 122 "Your brother in Detroit is right," Bakri had P25 123 said. "Go now, for the children's sake. You can always P25 124 return when our world is safe again."

P25 125 A promise and a hope.

P25 126 Laila's brother, who owned an import store in Detroit, even P25 127 sent them tickets. But her daughter, Salwa, seventeen, and her son, P25 128 Omar, fourteen, left Wadallah reluctantly.

P25 129 Laila worked long hours in her brother's store, and practiced P25 130 her spoken English every chance she got.

P25 131 "Is your husband well, Mrs. Brown?" she asked a P25 132 regular customer once.

P25 133 "Well enough to nag the daylights out of me," P25 134 Mrs. Brown replied. "Between you and me, I think he's got P25 135 bats in his belfry ..."

P25 136 "And how are the bats in your poor husband's P25 137 belfry?" Laila asked the next day. Mrs. Brown shook her P25 138 head, and hurried out with her jar of marmalade, her black olives - P25 139 perhaps too worried about her husband's condition to answer.

P25 140 Independence - Laila's children gloried in the word. She raised P25 141 them to explore their talents, to test their strength. But in the P25 142 end, each chose a separate path. Her daughter, Salwa, fit into P25 143 American life like old-fashioned bread around pebbles in a P25 144 taboon oven. In college she met Bob, with Texas roots, and brought P25 145 him home to meet her mother. When Laila inadvertently called him P25 146 "Boob," his laughter exploded in her face. Later, in P25 147 private, Salwa gave her mother a lesson in accents and American P25 148 slang.

P25 149 Her son, Omar, missed his father, worried about political P25 150 events in their country. Two years ago, at age seventeen, he P25 151 decided to return to Wadallah to live.

P25 152 As a small boy, Omar had rebelled against authority and the P25 153 wisdom Laila offered - probing and testing for himself. Once at P25 154 six, defying warnings, he climbed their olive tree to the highest P25 155 branch, and promptly fell, breaking his leg. Her scoldings only P25 156 served to spur him on toward a second and even third try.

P25 157 If Laila had her way, he would study medicine. He had the P25 158 brains for it. My son, the physician, she would say to anyone who P25 159 asked.

P25 160 As Mrs. Rhodes hobbles across the yard toward Laila, P25 161 Charlemagne strains at his leash, the beginning of a growl forming P25 162 in his throat.

P25 163 "I've lived in this neighborhood for thirty P25 164 years," Mrs. Rhodes says, leaning against the porch P25 165 railing. "But, my dear, this place is fast going to the P25 166 dogs."

P25 167 "I usually keep the dog in my backyard," Laila P25 168 says apologetically. "But today, I thought the change P25 169 ..."

P25 170 Mrs. Rhodes's laughter crackles across the yard. "I'm P25 171 not talking about real dogs. Just houses, and people." P25 172 She sniffs, drawing up the muscles of her sagging face. P25 173 "Like that family with six kids down the street. And the P25 174 dump where Billy lives."

P25 175 Laila's hands pause momentarily in their task. "How old P25 176 is Billy anyway?"

P25 177 "Not a day under fourteen!" Mrs. Rhodes plunges P25 178 her cane into the grass at her feet. "But he's small for P25 179 his age. And not too bright. His third year in the sixth grade, you P25 180 know." She waves her hand in the air above her head. P25 181 "And that sloppy hat he wears. I bet a dog's ear he sleeps P25 182 in it."

P25 183 She focuses pale green eyes on Laila's face. "By the P25 184 way, what's your son up to these days?"

P25 185 What can Laila say? Mrs. Rhodes would understand little, if P25 186 anything. Since even she, his own mother, failed to P25 187 understand.

P25 188 In his last letter, Omar wrote, "I've joined the P25 189 Resistance. I've pledged to fight this unjust military occupation P25 190 till the end ..."

P25 191 Concerned, she wrote back that same day, to dissuade him, to P25 192 ask: "But how will you earn a living? What does your father P25 193 think?"

P25 194 She was still waiting for answers.

P25 195 Laila meets Mrs. Rhodes's glance, allows herself a careful P25 196 smile. "Omar has been accepted in medical school." P25 197 She speaks clearly without flinching, waits for words to find their P25 198 mark.

P25 199 Mrs. Rhodes curls her lower lip. "When he becomes a P25 200 real doctor, maybe he can find a cure for my arthritis P25 201 ..." With a flourish of her cane, Mrs. Rhodes turns and P25 202 heads back to her own yard.

P25 203 Midway into their Sunday dinner, Billy walks in, his hat pushed P25 204 back, his face pink with scrubbing. Hesitantly, he slides into the P25 205 empty seat between Bob and Ramzi.

P25 206 Laila serves him the stuffed squash with the sterling silver P25 207 spoon her children gave her for her fortieth birthday. Billy runs P25 208 his finger over the raised indentations on the handle. P25 209 "Never seen real silver before," he says, P25 210 wide-eyed.

P25 211 "The rest of my 'silverware' is stainless P25 212 steel," Laila admits.

P25 213 Later, over coffee, Salwa looks uncertainly into her mother's P25 214 eyes. She and Bob are contemplating a possible trip to Mexico - P25 215 without the children. A chance for the honeymoon they've never P25 216 had.

P25 217 Laila feels a surge of compassion for the small girl Salwa once P25 218 was. At eight, seated cross-legged on the floor, she had tried to P25 219 fit together pieces of a broken doll. An hour passed before she P25 220 brought its shattered skull - bisque oozing with glue - and set the P25 221 pieces before her mother. "Help me this time, P25 222 please," she said. "I won't ask again. I P25 223 promise."

P25 224 Until the next time. And only if absolutely necessary.

P25 225 Of course, she'd be glad to stay with the children for a week. P25 226 What were grandmothers for?

P25 227 Monday morning, when Billy stops by Laila's house on his way to P25 228 school, she says, "I won't be here next week, Billy. I need P25 229 someone to take care of Charlie. And to water my new P25 230 garden."

P25 231 He stands in the doorway, his hat light and airy on his head. P25 232 "How much?"

P25 233 "Five days. Five dollars."

P25 234 "In advance?"

P25 235 Laila nods. "If you like ..."

P25 236 He flicks his fingers at the inner rim of his hat. P25 237 P26 1 <#FROWN:P26\>It didn't feel right sitting at a table with just men, P26 2 as though you were at a meeting.

P26 3 From the booth Tommy had a clear view of the band and dance P26 4 floor. He had seen the band before. They were nothing great, P26 5 although he thought the woman singing lead was good-looking and had P26 6 a decent high voice. She had tight pants on and a pink blouse P26 7 pulled low on her shoulders. When she sang the chorus she threw her P26 8 head back so that you saw the swelling in the big vein in her neck. P26 9 She never talked between songs. One of the men did the talking. He P26 10 was a fat black-haired man with curly side-burns and played P26 11 the guitar. The other two were a skinny drummer with long arms like P26 12 a monkey and a bass player who closed his eyes when he played.

P26 13 In front of the band there were fifteen or twenty couples P26 14 dancing in the open space between the booths. They were moving P26 15 about in circles, most of them in a shuffling two-step, although a P26 16 few of the older couples knew how to fox-trot and there were others P26 17 who could manage the jitterbug when there was a fast song. After P26 18 each song the fat guitar player made a joke or two and the people P26 19 on the dance floor turned to look at him. Then all at once the band P26 20 would pick up again, apparently from some private signal, and the P26 21 woman would begin to sing, and once more the people would start to P26 22 move about the floor. Between sets, while the band took a break, P26 23 the jukebox was turned on and everybody returned to his place and P26 24 drank.

P26 25 It was during the break after the second set that Tommy noticed P26 26 that Bobbie and her friend Jan had come in. They were standing near P26 27 the bar in that crowd of people. Bobbie's hair had been cut in a P26 28 new way, in a kind of bob, and she was wearing a short dress. Tommy P26 29 hadn't seen her since he'd come back to town. He wondered if they'd P26 30 say anything to one another before the night was over. Maybe they'd P26 31 at least say hello. Later he might even ask her to dance.

P26 32 Then he saw that the guitar player was standing beside her. He P26 33 had a drink in his hand and he was talking to her, waving his glass P26 34 while he talked; then he must have said something clever because P26 35 both Bobbie and Jan opened their mouths and laughed. From across P26 36 the room Tommy couldn't hear any of it, but he saw the women laugh P26 37 and afterward he watched Bobbie pat the guitar player on the cheek. P26 38 Then the man was saying something more, something that was funny P26 39 too, apparently, and he set his glass on the bar and he took P26 40 Bobbie's hand up and kissed it, bending over her hand as if he were P26 41 a Frenchman. Tommy watched while Bobbie spread her dress to the P26 42 man, and made him a little curtsy.

P26 43 "Hey, Tommy," Leo Hagemann said, "don't P26 44 look now. But isn't that your wife over there?"

P26 45 "I see her," Tommy said.

P26 46 "She's looking pretty good."

P26 47 "We're getting a divorce."

P26 48 "That's too bad," said Milt Saunder. "I P26 49 hate to hear that."

P26 50 Leo Hagemann said, "I didn't hardly recognize her. She P26 51 looks different. Tommy, she's looking pretty good."

P26 52 Tommy looked across the table. Leo was leaning forward with his P26 53 arms on the table; he had both hands around his glass, turning it P26 54 in his fingers. He was staring out at the dance floor.

P26 55 Tommy turned back to watch Bobbie once more. The guitar player P26 56 was gone now and she was talking to someone else, someone with a P26 57 red shirt. He was tall man with wavy brown hair. He was lighting P26 58 her cigarette and she was holding under his hand to steady the P26 59 match.

P26 60 "Listen," Leo said. "Hey? What would you think P26 61 if I asked Bobbie to dance?"

P26 62 He didn't say anything.

P26 63 "I mean, if it doesn't bother you."

P26 64 "I don't know," Tommy said.

P26 65 "What do you think?"

P26 66 "I haven't seen her in a year," he said. P26 67 "We don't even talk anymore."

P26 68 "I guess that's the green light then," Leo P26 69 said. He stood up. "Here goes nothing."

P26 70 Tommy watched him walk across the floor. Leo looked heavier P26 71 than he had a year ago. The tail of his shirt was sticking out, and P26 72 he was wearing boots, shiny and black. Tommy watched while he P26 73 walked over and stood beside Bobbie, patting her on the shoulder. P26 74 Soon the music started up and Leo took Bobbie's hand and led her P26 75 out onto the floor. Leo knew how to dance; he and Bobbie were P26 76 spinning around, making dips and turns in time to the music, and P26 77 people were making room for them on the dance floor. When the song P26 78 ended Leo bent her over backward, as people did in the movies, and P26 79 raised her again and gave her a hug. They stood laughing at one P26 80 another and as the music started they began to dance again. Tommy P26 81 watched for a moment longer; then he turned to look at Milt P26 82 Saunders to see what Milt made of any of this.

P26 83 When he noticed that he was being watched, Milt Saunders sank P26 84 his head between his shoulders so that it appeared momentarily as P26 85 if he had no neck. He reminded Tommy of a bird. Then Milt P26 86 straightened up and raised his glass and drank from it.

P26 87 Tommy watched him swallow. He had never before paid much P26 88 attention to the movement of a man's Adam's apple.

P26 89 By 10:30 the Legion was crowded and noisy. The band continued P26 90 to play and everyone had to talk above the music if they hoped to P26 91 be heard. Under the lights the thick smoke hung in the air like P26 92 fog.

P26 93 After a while, when Leo Hagemann went on dancing, Tommy stood P26 94 up and moved to the other side of the booth. It felt uncomfortable, P26 95 he and Milt Saunders sitting on the same side with nobody sitting P26 96 opposite them. They sat across from one another, without talking, P26 97 watching the dancers.

P26 98 Later the barmaid came by and Tommy ordered another drink for P26 99 himself and one for Milt. The barmaid was a young girl in blue P26 100 jeans and a tight plaid shirt that had snaps instead of buttons. P26 101 She was working very hard to keep up with the crowd; the hair P26 102 around her face and at the back of her neck was dark with sweat and P26 103 her cheeks were bright pink. When she returned with their drinks, P26 104 she set them on the table on clean napkins and Tommy gave her a P26 105 twenty dollar bill. She made change and he left a dollar tip on the P26 106 tray.

P26 107 "Well, thank you," the girl said.

P26 108 "You're welcome," Tommy said. "Any P26 109 time."

P26 110 She gave him a quick look; then she smiled a little and went P26 111 on.

P26 112 "Who's that?" he said.

P26 113 "She's new," Milt Saunders said. "She's P26 114 from out of town."

P26 115 "Who is she?"

P26 116 "She married that Simmons boy."

P26 117 "Arnold Simmons? I thought Arnold Simmons was still in P26 118 high school."

P26 119 "He was," Milt Saunders said. "But not P26 120 no more. He graduated."

P26 121 Tommy watched the young girl move across the floor, moving back P26 122 and forth between the booths and the bar, carrying her tray of P26 123 drinks. He wondered if she were even twenty-one yet.

P26 124 Then someone was pushing in beside him. He turned and it was a P26 125 woman in her mid-thirties, a little too heavy but with a pretty P26 126 face, and with long black hair and blue eyes and very white even P26 127 false teeth. "Hey, stranger," she said.

P26 128 "Hey," Tommy said. "Marla Kroeger."

P26 129 "I thought that was you sitting over here," she P26 130 said. "So I said I'll go over and say hello."

P26 131 "How are you?" Tommy said.

P26 132 Marla Kroeger was a bus driver for the Holt County School P26 133 District. For a year she had come into the bus barn where Tommy had P26 134 worked as a mechanic; she had been unhappy and he had listened to P26 135 her while she had talked. She would talk and he would lie on his P26 136 back under one of the buses and listen to her, and now and then he P26 137 would look out at her feet and ankles and at her knees if she had a P26 138 dress on. After they had gotten to know one another, the topic she P26 139 had talked most about was her husband Darrel.

P26 140 Darrel was one of the Kroeger boys, a wheat farmer out north of P26 141 town. He was a huge man, with thick hands and thick wrists and P26 142 heavy legs that stretched his pants legs tight when he sat down. He P26 143 was older than Marla by seven years, but he had begun to date her, P26 144 to take her out in his Oldsmobile, when she was only a sophomore in P26 145 high school. That was thrilling to her, she had told Tommy, to have P26 146 a twenty-three-year-old man ask her out and to take her places and P26 147 buy her dinner and afterward to go driving in the country with him P26 148 while the stars shone overhead and the radio played the top forty P26 149 from Denver. It was thrilling, she had said, but by the start of P26 150 the summer after her junior year she was two months pregnant. So P26 151 she had to quit school.

P26 152 "I didn't care about it at the time," she said, P26 153 "one way or the other. I never liked school anyway. I think P26 154 I was just waiting for something to happen."

P26 155 "And then it did," Tommy said.

P26 156 "Oh, yes," Marla said. "Doesn't it P26 157 always?"

P26 158 That summer she had married Darrel Kroeger and they had moved P26 159 into a double wide trailer northwest of town. Seven months later P26 160 she had had a little boy. Then three years after that she had P26 161 delivered another child, a little girl this time. That was enough; P26 162 she had had her tubes tied after that.

P26 163 So she'd had her hands full, taking care of the children, P26 164 managing the house and the yard and the gardening, and doing P26 165 everything else there was to do, being the wife of a farmer. But P26 166 gradually the children had grown up and had become more P26 167 independent, and then Marla was only twenty-six by the time they P26 168 were both attending school.

P26 169 "It was so quiet out in the country," she said. P26 170 "At first I liked it, after the kids were gone. And Darrel, P26 171 he was always gone somewhere. Darrel, he was always outside, P26 172 crawling under his machinery or drilling wheat. Or driving off to P26 173 some auction with his brother."

P26 174 After a year and then the beginning of another year of this, it P26 175 had begun to get on her nerves. She had felt raw, in some way. She P26 176 needed a little excitement. She needed something for herself. P26 177 "I got tired of standing in front of the picture window, P26 178 looking out at the wind blow dirt across the yard."

P26 179 So she had taken what was available. There was an advertisement P26 180 in the Holt Mercury for a substitute bus driver, and she P26 181 had applied for the job and was hired; and the next year there was P26 182 an opening for a full-time driver and they had hired her for that P26 183 position too. "It wasn't much," she said. P26 184 "It wasn't legal secretary. But it did get me out of the P26 185 house."

P26 186 And that's where she was five years later when she had begun to P26 187 come into the bus barn to talk to Tommy. She was out of the house, P26 188 driving the county kids to and from school every day.

P26 189 But she didn't think she loved Darrel Kroeger any more.

P26 190 Oh, he worked hard and he wasn't a drunkard. It wasn't that. P26 191 And he didn't hurt her, not physically, although more and more she P26 192 wished he would leave her alone in bed. She wasn't interested in P26 193 that with him anymore. It was getting so she felt suffocated by P26 194 him. And she wished he would bathe more often. She liked things P26 195 clean. What good did it do to wash the sheets and hang them out on P26 196 the line so they would smell fresh of the outdoors, if Darrel P26 197 wouldn't bathe when he came in at night? P26 198 P26 199 P26 200 P27 1 <#Frown:P27\>Cigarettes, mouthwash, leather. "Sure," she P27 2 said, squinting against the glare of a passing car, trying to look P27 3 casual, thankful and pretty at the same time. "Wherever P27 4 you're going, long as it's this way."

P27 5 "Load on up then. I'm on the night shift down the road P27 6 a piece. Take you as far as I can." The driver twisted a P27 7 knob on the dash and lit up the inside of the car so she could see P27 8 his face. "I'm Panks Gaylord," he said, words P27 9 cracking as he cleared his throat. "And I'm as safe as I P27 10 can be."

P27 11 "My name's Rebecca. Thanks a lot." She pulled P27 12 the passenger seat forward and laid her guitar and the satchel in P27 13 back. The Monte Carlo was perfectly clean - no trash or dirt P27 14 anywhere. Even the floormats were spotless. The soft smell of P27 15 leather came from a pair of creamy sheepskin seat covers that P27 16 looked brand new. The ash tray was open - it held two fresh butts - P27 17 and the radio was playing low, a cut by Waylon Jennings. She took P27 18 off the oversized suede jacket and tucked her turquoise T-shirt P27 19 deep into her waistband, feeling the play of Panks Gaylord's eyes. P27 20 His glance, crude as it was, actually reassured her. Dropping the P27 21 jacket behind the seat, she drew her long blond hair over one P27 22 shoulder and lowered herself into the car. The silver-spoke wheels P27 23 were gliding over gravel before she even closed the door.

P27 24 She had to wait until he offered her a cigarette to get a good P27 25 look at him. He was in his early twenties, cleanshaven, with a P27 26 narrow jaw and pinched, deep-set eyes that looked a little surly in P27 27 the glow of the dash. He seemed familiar, probably because she had P27 28 seen countless men like him. Aunt Percy would say he was downright P27 29 common with the criminal English face of his ancestors, and she'd P27 30 be right. His ears were large, his neck long, his brownish hair P27 31 thin and dull, showing thickness only in the sideburns. But Rebecca P27 32 felt comfortable enough. The best thing about men like Panks P27 33 Gaylord was that she'd been around them all her life and could P27 34 pretty much read them like a children's book. She estimated that P27 35 the difference between Gaylord and Espy Tosh was about one tiny P27 36 inch, and she'd been going out with Espy for two years and handling P27 37 him just fine. Besides, she knew that country boys loved to think P27 38 they were bad and tough, and she'd been playing that game for a P27 39 long time too. She just hoped she'd be able to talk Panks into P27 40 driving a few miles extra.

P27 41 "So where you going with that guitar?" he P27 42 asked, gripping a Marlboro in the corner of his mouth.

P27 43 "Outta town."

P27 44 "You from around here? I thought so. Thought maybe I'd P27 45 seen you before." He flexed his tanned forearms and smiled. P27 46 He was still young enough to have good teeth. "You got a P27 47 last name you care to give?"

P27 48 "O'Connell," she said, dropping her voice so she'd P27 49 sound a little shy. P27 50 He hissed between his teeth, trying to whistle. "Rebecca P27 51 O'Connell. I play ball against Espy Tosh and I seen you up at The P27 52 Mill House. My friend Eddie and me sit at the bar near the dart P27 53 board. You sing good." He turned to her and winked. P27 54 "I knew I remembered that pretty hair."

P27 55 She smiled and held out her cigarette for a light. He'd P27 56 forgotten to do that.

P27 57 "You leaving town?"

P27 58 "For a while."

P27 59 "What's Espy got to say about that? Ain't he got enough P27 60 money or whatever to keep you around?" Panks lifted his P27 61 chin and slapped at the steering wheel. She could hear the crackle P27 62 of rivalry in his laughter as she drew one of her legs underneath P27 63 her, careful not to dirty the sheepskin. Her chances were improving P27 64 every minute.

P27 65 "We're not married or nothing," she said. P27 66 "Just see each other when we need to."

P27 67 "Well, if I had a girl could sing as good as you and P27 68 look fine too, I'd need to see her every day." He drew on P27 69 his cigarette, both eyes winking. "And every P27 70 night."

P27 71 She laughed out loud and reached for the knob of the radio. A P27 72 fancy, polished song by Barbara Mandrell. One she hated.

P27 73 "Sorry to say I'm only going as far as Truevine. Got my P27 74 job to tend to till morning." He spoke carefully, like he P27 75 was trying to coax a child into sitting still. She almost laughed P27 76 again but didn't want to interrupt his routine. It was too much fun P27 77 to watch. "After work I could drive you clear to North P27 78 Carolina if you wanted."

P27 79 "Panks," she said, dropping a hand onto his arm where P27 80 his rolled-up sleeve met skin. "Why don't you take me as P27 81 far as you're going. Then we'll see what happens."

P27 82 He took the curves fast, especially the blind ones, showing her P27 83 how well his car handled and how much pickup the Chevy engine had P27 84 on hills. She complimented him on his driving and asked him all P27 85 sorts of questions about his years at the high school, his weekends P27 86 at the lake or the speedway, anything to keep him relaxed and P27 87 occupied. She didn't ask him about his girlfriends because she knew P27 88 it was best not to rush a man, especially if he was older and P27 89 thought he was in charge. The flirting was easy. It was part of a P27 90 bargain she'd always understood.

P27 91 "Hey," Panks said, interrupting himself. "You P27 92 got me talking your pretty little ear off and I ain't heard word P27 93 one about you." He twisted his shoulders toward her, his P27 94 eyes round with playful shock. "Not hiding anything, are P27 95 you?"

P27 96 "No," she lied, looking out the window into a black P27 97 tangle of cornfields. "Don't need to. I'm eighteen and on P27 98 my own. Like everybody else."

P27 99 "Shit, yeah. I hear that. I moved in with my brother P27 100 when I quit school. Been making my own way - my own good trouble P27 101 too - for nearly eight years." He slapped the open part of P27 102 the seat between them and pressed the accelerator. The Monte Carlo P27 103 shot up the hill like it was riding a current of warm air.

P27 104 "You're lucky," she said.

P27 105 "I'd say so. Fast car. Good-looking girl. Early enough P27 106 for work so I can buy you a Coke at the Truevine Store. Maybe put a P27 107 little J.D. in it, for the road and all."

P27 108 Rebecca shifted and tilted her face into the palm of her hand. P27 109 Her hay-colored hair swirled in the crosscurrents of his open P27 110 window. "Sounds good," she said, reaching toward P27 111 his shirt pocket for another Marlboro. "I'm all for some P27 112 fun. What time's work?"

P27 113 "Need to clock in by eleven, but I'm the watchman so P27 114 who gives a damn. Jamison owes me a half hour anyway. I cover his P27 115 big ass all the time."

P27 116 "I reckon you're a nice guy," she said.

P27 117 "Tell me about it," he said, smiling even P27 118 harder.

P27 119 The parking lot at Truevine Store was empty except for a beige P27 120 Datsun pickup with a FOR SALE sign taped inside its window. The P27 121 warm, puddled asphalt glittered with beer tabs and broken glass. P27 122 Two cold drink machines - one for Coke, one for Dr. Pepper - stood P27 123 against a wall advertising boat rentals and live bait. The interior P27 124 of the store was filled with a sickly light cast by the plastic P27 125 moon face of a Red Man clock.

P27 126 "You ever seen the paint factory?" Panks asked, P27 127 getting out of the car and yanking his dark blue work pants out of P27 128 his crotch. "I'd give you a tour but it's against the P27 129 rules. Something to see though, if you ever get the chance. P27 130 Something to smell, too."

P27 131 "That's all right." She spoke slowly and P27 132 gently. "I'll take a big old Coke instead."

P27 133 "Damn. That's my girl. You reach in that glove P27 134 compartment there and we'll have us a little party."

P27 135 Rebecca got the pint of Jack Daniels and held it in front of P27 136 her eyes while Panks hunted through his pocket change for quarters. P27 137 She watched him waver through the clear amber liquid, then P27 138 disappear as he got lost behind the bottle's black label. She was P27 139 more tired that she'd realized. Putting on faces for Panks Gaylord P27 140 was sapping her strength. Below the fatigue, however, she sensed a P27 141 fearsome edginess. She wondered if a drink or two would keep Panks P27 142 driving.

P27 143 He walked back toward the car like he was crossing a dance P27 144 floor. "Can you believe that redneck George Philpott wants P27 145 three thousand dollars for that tiny Japanese thing." He P27 146 squatted by is open door and waved toward the Datsun. "This P27 147 world's crazy." He looked at her more closely than before, P27 148 letting his small eyes rove. Rebecca felt the skin on her neck go P27 149 tight. He looked even skinnier when he was out of the car, but she P27 150 had to admit he had nice arms. "You want to stand out here P27 151 or what?" he asked. "I got some cups in the trunk. P27 152 Nobody'll bother us if we're quiet."

P27 153 "I'm gonna drink my drink in here by the P27 154 radio," she said, pushing her hair away from her face. P27 155 "Why don't you climb in and keep me company?"

P27 156 She watched the eagerness run through his hands like a tingle. P27 157 He stepped back and poured some Coke out of both bottles, then P27 158 handed them to her so she could add the whiskey. "Fill 'er P27 159 up. Let's see if I can't get a good story out of you."

P27 160 He talked about himself until his Coke was half gone. She kept P27 161 a cigarette lit, one they could share, and listened to him tell P27 162 about playing second base in high school and for the American P27 163 Legion team. He claimed to be a real baseball fan and thought the P27 164 game proved that country boys could keep up with the city high P27 165 schools and summer leagues. "I halfway dreamed of going pro P27 166 or semi-pro myself, but soft-handed infielders is a dime a dozen P27 167 with the niggers and spics around. And I'll tell you the truth. I P27 168 don't have the world's quickest bat." He sneered and P27 169 reached over to pat her thigh. "That Espy of yours thinks P27 170 he's hot shit though. Switch hitter and all. But I'll tell you P27 171 something, little girl. If he's so great why's he still suiting up P27 172 for Standard Oil after all these years? I mean I hear he's selling P27 173 dog food for Dan Hawkins down at the mill. Now Wade Tosh was a P27 174 great pitcher, real pro-type material. Him getting killed in Nam P27 175 was a real loss. But little brother Espy ain't squat. You probably P27 176 love the son-of-a-bitch and all, but that don't matter. Not when P27 177 Panks Gaylord tells the truth."

P27 178 "I don't love Espy," she said.

P27 179 He raised the glistening mouth of his Coke to his eye, then P27 180 emptied it in two swallows. "Nothing to love."

P27 181 "I just don't love him. That's all."

P27 182 "I'll drink to that. You're smarter than I P27 183 thought." He checked his big black-banded watch. "I P27 184 got twenty minutes free and clear."

P27 185 She could tell he was the kind who would take on an ugly P27 186 swagger if he got too drunk. Her own hands felt as warm and fuzzy P27 187 as mittens as she looked through the windshield at the low-slung P27 188 silhouette of the Blue Ridge Paint Factory across the road There P27 189 was a bit of moon in the sky now so she could just make out the P27 190 shapes of some railroad cars lined up on a weedy siding. She set P27 191 her half-empty bottle outside the car and turned the keys in the P27 192 ignition. It would't hurt to hear the radio.

P27 193 Panks poured way too much whiskey in their second drinks. Coke P27 194 and liquor fizzed up over his knuckles and he laughed, lifting his P27 195 feet to keep them dry. The night was still; the air began to smell P27 196 sticky and old. They both kept their doors open, Tammy Wynette P27 197 blending with the slow song of the crickets.

P27 198 "You must think Espy's right special, you've stayed P27 199 with him so long." P27 200 P28 1 <#FROWN:P28\>Separating P28 2 My mom is standing in the rain talking to the guy whose pickup P28 3 she just rear-ended. It's getting dark. We've pulled off the road P28 4 and the two of them are under a tree next to his truck. He's P28 5 younger than Mom, wearing jeans, a T-shirt, and cowboy boots. When P28 6 they laugh, Mom looks like she does with her dates, these guys that P28 7 shake my hand and call me Sport. It's Michael, I tell them, but P28 8 they don't listen to a fourteen-year-old. He gets a notebook and P28 9 pen from his truck, and they write things down and exchange pieces P28 10 of paper while I wait in the car. I wait a lot lately, for school P28 11 to end, or Mom to get home, or Dad to pick me up. They separated P28 12 four months ago. Mostly I'm waiting for them to work things out.

P28 13 Mom gets in the car and slams her door, which doesn't close P28 14 quite like it did twenty minutes ago. She looks at her skirt. P28 15 "I'm soaked," she says, as though it's a surprise, P28 16 and she pushes her hair off her face. "He's nice. Lee, P28 17 that's his name. He says we don't have to tell our P28 18 insurance." This is big news. Mom's been to traffic school P28 19 twice.

P28 20 "What's the catch?" I say, but she's not P28 21 listening. She's watching the truck.

P28 22 "He's coming over later to give me the names of some P28 23 body shops. I told him to come for dinner," she says, and P28 24 she looks at me and shrugs.

P28 25 It took Mom awhile to start dating. Dad used to ask me every P28 26 week, first thing, Is she seeing anybody? And every week I'd shake P28 27 my head, and Dad would seem half disappointed, half relieved. Until P28 28 three weeks ago when she went out with Jim, a new teacher at the P28 29 school where she's a speech therapist, and since then she's been a P28 30 regular little social butterfly. Dad took it like bad news he'd P28 31 been expecting.

P28 32 Dad, on the other hand, has done his fair share. Her name's P28 33 Darilyn, and she's had pizza with us a few times. She drinks white P28 34 wine with an ice cube, and never takes her sunglasses off. I stare P28 35 at her nose when we talk; looking at her body feels weird, knowing P28 36 what she and Dad are up to, and if I look at her eyes all I see is P28 37 myself in the reflection of her glasses. I know that nose pretty P28 38 well. The first time I met her, she and Dad acted like seeing each P28 39 other was a big coincidence; Dad was shy and excited around her, P28 40 then on the way home he asked me in a confidential, buddy-buddy P28 41 tone to please not mention her to Mom. I don't want to hurt her any P28 42 more than I have, he said. Is she why you moved out, I said, but he P28 43 wouldn't answer.

P28 44 Dad called us every day the first few weeks he was gone; P28 45 sometimes Mom would talk to him, sometimes not. She acted as though P28 46 he were just on a trip, and got mad if I asked when he was coming P28 47 home. Then we saw him at the market. He'd seen Mom's car on Lake P28 48 Street, he said, and he'd followed us. He walked with us through P28 49 the aisles, saying he was sorry things were like this, asking how P28 50 we were, was there anything he could do. Would you be quiet, Mom P28 51 said, we're in the market, as she squeezed our cart past Mrs. P28 52 Markey, the school counselor, who gave Mom a look. You've flipped, P28 53 Mom whispered to Dad. If you think I'm just going to sit around P28 54 until your little crisis is over, you're crazier than I thought. P28 55 She put some bananas in our cart, weighed a bag of oranges, while P28 56 Dad and I looked on. Jean, he said, I'm forty-six years old and I P28 57 felt ten years older than that with you. I felt like things were P28 58 closing in on me in that house, and he waved his arm as though he P28 59 meant the market, the town. Us. Mom was tying a knot in the bag of P28 60 oranges, pulling hard at the corners. What did you expect, that's P28 61 what I'd like to know, she said, from people like us with a son? P28 62 You didn't turn out to be the person I thought you were, Dad said, P28 63 looking away from her. You mean she's not Darilyn, I wanted to say, P28 64 but I kept quiet. Mom started pushing the cart fast, almost running P28 65 from him. This is a goddamn market, she said, louder than she meant P28 66 to. People stared, a cashier stopped ringing things up and looked P28 67 our way. Mom turned down the cereal aisle, barely missing a box boy P28 68 putting jars of peanut butter on a shelf, where she abandoned our P28 69 cart and headed for the exit. Come on, Michael, she said, let's get P28 70 out of here. Dad tried to take her arm, but she shook him off. Go P28 71 to hell, Grady, she said, and when he stared at her with his P28 72 hangdog look, she said, Look, what did you expect? You weren't P28 73 exactly trying to win some popularity contest, were you? Her words P28 74 seemed to ring out in the store. I looked at the linoleum floor and P28 75 kicked at a piece of lettuce as we walked out, wishing we were P28 76 invisible.

P28 77 Little things have changed since then. We eat out a lot; Mom P28 78 says it's a lot of trouble to cook for two. She has the radio on, P28 79 all the time, news, sports, easy listening, she doesn't care what, P28 80 as long as it's noise. And the house. Every day Mom puts a few more P28 81 of Dad's things in the den: books, albums, his tools from the P28 82 garage, quilts passed down from his mom, his clothes. I hear her P28 83 late at night, sorting things, moving things, and if I come out of P28 84 my room she stops, wide-eyed, as though I've caught her at P28 85 something furtive, then she goes back to what she was doing without P28 86 saying anything. It sounds like there are rats in our house.

P28 87 Mom and I drive to Monty's, where Dad's picking me up tonight. P28 88 Mom doesn't like him coming to the house - she says it makes it P28 89 hard to keep her distance - so we meet at different places around P28 90 town, where we try to act like nothing's wrong. Mom likes to get us P28 91 there early enough to sit down and have something to drink while we P28 92 wait for Dad. It's always awkward; I think she's trying to be nice P28 93 to me.

P28 94 Monty's has dim lights, dark-red vinyl booths, and paper P28 95 placemats with maps that have gold stars to show where the other P28 96 Monty's are. Mom and I sit in a corner booth and she orders our P28 97 usual: a glass of wine for her, a Coke with lime for me. The lime P28 98 is her idea; she says it's festive.

P28 99 "Well, we made it to another Friday night," she P28 100 says. "Cheers," and she clinks my glass. "This must P28 101 be hard for you. When I was fourteen everything was so set. No ifs, P28 102 you know?"

P28 103 "It's all right," I say.

P28 104 "I wasn't apologizing, Michael." She hands me P28 105 my napkin, the heavy cloth kind, the same dark red as the P28 106 booths.

P28 107 "I didn't say you were."

P28 108 She straightens her silverware, then looks around like she's P28 109 trying to find someone she knows. "I didn't think I'd end P28 110 up like this. A single mom, a place like this on a Friday P28 111 night."

P28 112 "The baseball team had their awards banquet here last P28 113 year," I say. That's the trick with Mom: keep the P28 114 conversation light, don't let her start considering things.

P28 115 Mom smooths her placemat where her glass has made it wet. P28 116 "I think we're doing better. I feel like I'm coming out of P28 117 this. Maybe it isn't the worst thing that could have happened, you P28 118 know?"

P28 119 "You're doing great," I say, my voice high and P28 120 fake, and I wish again that they wouldn't talk to me about their P28 121 marriage, or their divorce, whatever it is they have. "I P28 122 wish it were a year from now," I say.

P28 123 Mom nods. "I'm not too crazy about the near future P28 124 either." She sighs. "Who knows? Maybe this is just P28 125 wife talk, mumbo-jumbo talk. Maybe I just gave you a great big P28 126 earful of wife talk is all, do you think?" She rubs my P28 127 cheek and smiles. I started shaving a few weeks ago, just before P28 128 school started. "You're so big," she says. P28 129 "We never expected that."

P28 130 We stare at the table. I squeeze some lime into my Coke, drop P28 131 the rind into it, and stir it around. I'm getting used to the taste P28 132 of lime. I try to think about predictable things like geometry, P28 133 soccer, that great smell of some girls' hair. Then I see Mom look P28 134 up and sigh, a noise like our house makes in the night, settling, P28 135 and I know that Dad's here. Mom smooths her hair.

P28 136 Dad leans down and kisses Mom's cheek, something he used to do P28 137 every night when he came home from work, but there's an apology in P28 138 it tonight, and it feels like a small conversation's taken place P28 139 between them.

P28 140 "I didn't see you," he says.

P28 141 Mom nods. "It's dark. I knew there was a reason we P28 142 never ate here." She won't go to our old places.

P28 143 Dad's hair is wet from the rain. He seems nervous and excited, P28 144 and it occurs to me that maybe he has Darilyn stashed in the car. P28 145 "Your front bumper looks funny," he says, as he P28 146 stares at the table and moves the salt closer to the pepper.

P28 147 "I know. I'll pay for it," Mom says.

P28 148 "I wasn't worried about the money," he says. P28 149 "You always think I'm going to say something P28 150 bad."

P28 151 "Since when do you know what I think?" she P28 152 says. Dad looks at the ceiling, which sparkles. Mom picks up the P28 153 check, puts some money on the table, and stands. She smooths her P28 154 skirt, which is still damp, and Dad and I follow her out.

P28 155 Dad drives to the pizza place where we go every week. I sit at P28 156 our same table, the one in the back under the neon Miller sign, P28 157 while Dad gets a pitcher of beer and a Coke.

P28 158 "Drink your Coke," he says when he sits P28 159 down.

P28 160 "I'm not thirsty."

P28 161 "Trust me," he says. "Just drink P28 162 it." He watches me while I down it, then he takes my empty P28 163 glass, looks around the room, and fills it with beer. This is the P28 164 second time he's given me beer. The first time was on our second P28 165 night out when I cried. I don't know why I did that, except that it P28 166 all hit me at once: Mom's weirdness, Dad's scatteredness, how P28 167 screwed up everything was. Dad said stupid things about the passage P28 168 of time, which he knew as well as I did was bull, so he finally P28 169 just shut up and gave me a beer.

P28 170 "We're celebrating," Dad says as he puts my P28 171 glass down in front of me. He clinks it with his mug. "To P28 172 reunions."

P28 173 I watch him drink. He puts his mug down and leans forward, P28 174 anxious, waiting. "Well, what do you think?" he P28 175 says. "About your mom and me."

P28 176 I put my glass down a little too loudly, and the waiter glances P28 177 at us. "You mean like you're getting back P28 178 together?"

P28 179 "The very thing," Dad says. "As of P28 180 tonight." He lowers his voice. "I made a mistake. P28 181 But it's over now."

P28 182 "When did you tell Mom?"

P28 183 "We're telling her tonight. You and me. There's a P28 184 bottle of Emerald Dry in the trunk. I figured after dinner we'd go P28 185 home and celebrate. The three of us." I can feel him P28 186 staring at me, and when I don't say anything he roughs up my hair. P28 187 "Hey, who died? We're talking good news here."

P28 188 "What happened to Darilyn?"

P28 189 He shrugs, looks away. "She went back," he P28 190 says.

P28 191 "Back?"

P28 192 "To her husband, all right?" He glares at P28 193 me.

P28 194 "Okay." P28 195 P29 1 <#FROWN:P29\>"He is my life."

P29 2 "If he is alive," said Wil Usdi, "and P29 3 if anyone knows anything about him, Gun Rod will know."

P29 4 "Gun Rod?"

P29 5 "He's an old man. He's a white man who was once married P29 6 to a Cherokee woman. They had children, but they lost them all P29 7 years ago to a sickness. More recently Gun Rod lost his wife, too, P29 8 so he is all alone in the world. I've seen him not long ago, and he P29 9 seems to know all about what has happened to the People, to many of P29 10 them. His knowledge amazed me."

P29 11 "Where can I find Gun Rod?" Oconeechee P29 12 asked.

P29 13 He was with your father at the fight at Horseshoe P29 14 Bend," said Little Will. "Do you know that P29 15 place?"

P29 16 "Yes," she said. "My father took me there once P29 17 to show me where it happened."

P29 18 "Gun Rod lives near there. It's a long trip for you to P29 19 make."

P29 20 "I'll make it."

P29 21 "He's an old man with long white hair and a long white P29 22 beard. He lives alone in a small cabin near the battlefield. The P29 23 Cherokees knew him as Gun Rod, but his white man name is Titus P29 24 Hooker. Can you remember that? Titus Hooker."

P29 25 "Titus Hooker," repeated Oconeechee, P29 26 pronouncing the English sounds with some difficulty. "Titus P29 27 Hooker. Gun Rod."

P29 28 "If you are really determined to go there to continue P29 29 this search of yours," said Wil Usdi, "I'll draw P29 30 you a map to show you the way to Gun Rod's house from the P29 31 battleground."

P29 32 The following morning Wil Usdi left. His ultimate destination P29 33 was Washington City. At almost the same time, Oconeechee left. She P29 34 left well supplied for a long journey, but she left with a much P29 35 lighter heart than she had had on her previous excursions. This P29 36 time she had a destination. She would not be wandering aimlessly. P29 37 She had a man's name, and she had a map. In her mind she could see P29 38 this Gun Rod, this white man with the hairy white head, and he P29 39 seemed to her to be the very image of the white man's God, and the P29 40 longer she walked, the more her trek took on in her mind the P29 41 characteristics of a sacred pilgrimage. This god-like white P29 42 man, this Gun Rod who had so much knowledge in his hoary head, he P29 43 would give her the answers to her questions.

P29 44 The first day of her trip she did not even stop to eat, so P29 45 anxious was she to get to Gun Rod there by Horseshoe Bend in the P29 46 land that the whites called Alabama. But the second day, in spite P29 47 of her eagerness, she deliberately slowed her pace. She was weary P29 48 from her haste the previous day, and she knew that she must eat to P29 49 maintain her strength. She also realized that the farther she P29 50 traveled away from the mountain fastness of Ut'sala and the others, P29 51 the more dangerous her situation became. She could not allow P29 52 herself to be captured or harmed, perhaps killed, when she was P29 53 finally getting close to her goal. And she knew that she was P29 54 getting close. Wil Usdi had sent her to Gun Rod, and Gun Rod would P29 55 have the answers. She began to travel more cautiously. When it was P29 56 possible, she moved at night and found daylight hideaways in which P29 57 to sleep. She kept away from main-traveled roads, and when she saw P29 58 people, she quickly hid herself and kept still and quiet until they P29 59 were gone. She had heard it said that the whites were no longer P29 60 trying to catch Cherokees to send them west, but Ut'sala and his P29 61 people still hid in the mountains, and she would be at least as P29 62 skeptical as they. She would not take any unnecessary chances. She P29 63 would not trust rumor. She would not be caught being careless or P29 64 neglectful or overconfident.

P29 65 Oconeechee was confident, though. Not only had Wil Usdi given P29 66 her hope by telling her of Gun Rod, but she had also gone to see P29 67 the old man known as the Breath who lived there among the fugitives P29 68 and was said to be a conjuror. She had told him about her search P29 69 for Waguli. The old man had taken from a little bag two beads, one P29 70 black and one red. Oconeechee did not have to be told the P29 71 significance of the colors. She knew that the red one stood for P29 72 success, and the black was ominous and indicated disaster. She had P29 73 stopped breathing without realizing it, and she could feel her P29 74 heart pounding in her breast as the old man took up the beads. He P29 75 held them, the black one in his left hand, the red one in his P29 76 right, between his thumbs and index fingers. He stared hard at the P29 77 beads, and mumbled something to them, low, too low for Oconeechee P29 78 to understand what he was saying. Time seemed to stop. Then P29 79 suddenly, frightfully, the black bead seemed to take on life. It P29 80 began to crawl along the leathery old finger of the Breath, and P29 81 Oconeechee's heart skipped a beat. Then the red bead moved, and the P29 82 black one moved back to its original position. The red bead seemed P29 83 to quiver for an instant, then it shot along all the way to the P29 84 first joint of old Breath's finger. The stored-up wind came out of P29 85 Oconeechee's lungs. She would have success, the old man had told P29 86 her. She would find Waguli.

P29 87 She was sleeping in an open field late one evening. She had P29 88 found the country through which she was moving to be heavily P29 89 populated with whites, and she was afraid to travel by day. The P29 90 field was covered with tall grass, and she had moved a distance P29 91 away from the road to lie down in the cover of the grass. When the P29 92 sun was down, she would crawl out and resume her travel. The sky P29 93 had been clear all day, and she expected a bright, starry night. It P29 94 would be all right for traveling. She was awakened from her sleep P29 95 by the noise of a barking dog. She sat up to listen. The dog seemed P29 96 to be coming closer, and she could hear the voices of white men, P29 97 could hear them trampling through the grass. She raised herself up P29 98 as much as she dared and strained to see through the dimming light P29 99 of evening. There were three white men with guns following a dog, P29 100 and they were coming straight towards her. They had not seen her, P29 101 could not know of her presence there. The direction of their P29 102 movement was just bad luck. Panic-stricken, she wondered what to P29 103 do. If she sat still, they would surely come upon her. Even if the P29 104 men walked by without noticing her there, the dog surely would not. P29 105 If she jumped up and ran, they would be bound to chase her. She P29 106 might outrun the men, but she could not outrun the dog.

P29 107 Then off to her left, back in the direction from which she had P29 108 come, sounded the loud, clear call of a mountain whippoorwill, P29 109 followed by a rustling of dry grass and a flapping of wings. The P29 110 dog barked and ran after the sound, and the men yelled and ran P29 111 after the dog. Oconeechee watched until they had run almost out of P29 112 her sight, then got up and began to move quickly in the opposite P29 113 direction.

P29 114 "Waguli," she said out loud.

P29 115 She recognized the battlefield when she found it. She could P29 116 remember it from the time years before when Junaluska had brought P29 117 her there. Not much had changed. She saw the spot her father had P29 118 pointed out to her with pride, pride which would later turn to P29 119 regret, the spot where he had saved the life of Old Hickory, P29 120 Tseg'sgin. Thoughts of her father brought tears to her eyes, but P29 121 she brushed them away and brought out the map Wil Usdi had drawn P29 122 for her. The house of Gun Rod would be just over the hill off to P29 123 her right. She was almost there, and a good thing, too, for she had P29 124 run out of food and had been traveling for a day without anything P29 125 to eat. She was weak and weary from hunger and from physical P29 126 exertion.

P29 127 "Gun Rod is just there," she said.

P29 128 She was pleased with the accuracy of Wil Usdi's map and with P29 129 how easily she could read it. She started to walk directly across P29 130 the open battlefield toward the hill which was hiding her goal from P29 131 her eyes. Her legs seemed to move of their own will. She seemed to P29 132 be plunging forward. She saw nothing but the hill. She moved across P29 133 the field in long, jerking strides. Reaching the hillside shortened P29 134 her steps, but still she moved forward, still straight ahead. As P29 135 the climb grew steeper, she leaned more and more forward until at P29 136 last her hands touched the ground that seemed to be rising before P29 137 her. Then she was crawling. And then she was on top of the hill.

P29 138 She stood up straight and drew in lungs full of air, her breast P29 139 heaving in labored motion. Her head felt light, and her vision was P29 140 beginning to blur, but down below she could see a cabin with P29 141 blue-gray smoke rising lazily from its stone chimney. It was Gun P29 142 Rod's cabin. It could be no other. Oconeechee started walking P29 143 again. She walked faster. She was almost running when she reached P29 144 the steep downhill grade, and she fell forward tumbling. She P29 145 scrambled to her feet once, only to pitch forward, rolling again. P29 146 At the bottom of the hill, she stood up on unsteady legs and walked P29 147 to the front of the cabin. The old man must have heard her P29 148 approach, for he opened the front door and stepped out onto the P29 149 small porch. He was short, though not so short as Wil Usdi, and he P29 150 was powerfully built. His blue-gray eyes, red nose, and bit of P29 151 loose flesh below each eye were all that showed of a face through P29 152 the mass of white hair and beard. He looked down off the raised P29 153 porch at Oconeechee, dirty and battered there before him, and she P29 154 thought she could read in those clear old eyes both curiosity and P29 155 compassion.

P29 156 "Gun Rod," she said, and then the world began P29 157 to spin around her, and the last bit of strength left her tired P29 158 legs. Her knees buckled beneath her, and she sank to the ground P29 159 unconscious.

P29 160 22 P29 161 She went into Alabama

P29 162 to a place they call Big Bend,

P29 163 where her father had saved Old Hickory,

P29 164 and that's where she found a friend.

P29 165 Bitterly she wailed in sorrow,

P29 166 "Why am I crying still,

P29 167 and who has taken from me

P29 168 my noble Whippoorwill?"

P29 169 Old Titus Hooker practically jumped off the porch when he saw P29 170 the girl faint. He ran the few steps from the porch to where she P29 171 lay, and he knelt heavily beside her with a loud groan. Carefully P29 172 he rolled her over onto her back and straightened her arms and P29 173 legs. He listened to her breathing for a moment, and then, P29 174 satisfied that it was regular enough, he shoved his thick arms P29 175 underneath her body and lifted her to carry her into the house. P29 176 Inside, he lowered her gently onto his bed. Then he located a clean P29 177 rag which he soaked in water that stood in a basin on a small P29 178 table. He wrung the excess water out of the rag and went back to P29 179 her side to bathe her face and lower legs. He touched a hand to her P29 180 cheek and to her forehead.

P29 181 "No fever," he said. "I expect she's P29 182 just wore out."

P29 183 He was speaking English, talking to himself out loud, as he P29 184 spread a blanket over the unconscious girl. Then he stepped back to P29 185 look at her. He wondered who this strange young woman could be and P29 186 what had brought her to his lonely cabin. He was sure that he had P29 187 not seen her before, but, he thought, she called me by my Indian P29 188 name. Looks like she's come a long, hard ways to find me. P29 189