**[txt. r01**]
0020R01 **<*3AUNT PAN AND THE MAESTRO*0**> **[leader comment begin**]
0030R01 $^*Aunt Pan was a boxfull of human ills. ^She was clumsy, could never
0040R01 do anything right. ^Then, one Christmas, she met the Maestro,
0050R01 Don Alcindo..... **[leader comment end**] $*3^*I*0 don*'4t know
0060R01 why they named her Pandora. ^Reminds me of a character out of
0070R01 a Tennessee Williams play. ^*I*'3ve been reading a few of late,
0080R01 unknown to Mum of course. ^*Mum says \0Mr. Williams is not suitable
0090R01 for fifteen-year-olds. ^That_*'1s me; and I must tell you,
0100R01 I*'3m a Williams, too. ^Though no relation to the playwright.
0110R01 ^*Lynette is my first name-- Linny, for short. $^Isn*'4t Pandora
0120R01 that_ mythical character who kept a box of human ills, or some such
0130R01 thing? ^Well, if that_ be so, then my grandparents chose right.
0140R01 ^*Aunt Pandora is a box of human ills. $^*Aunt never seems able
0150R01 to_ do anything right. ^If she crosses the sitting room, for instance,
0160R01 nine chances out of ten she trips over the carpet, or bumps into
0170R01 the furniture. ^If she pours tea she either drops the teapot or upsets
0180R01 a cup. $"^Don*'4t ask Dora! ^She*'1s sure to_ make a mess
0190R01 of it," is something Mum says, whenever Aunt is called upon to_
0200R01 help. $"^Trust Aunt Pan," is what I always say, when something
0210R01 goes wrong. $^But Mum prefers to_ call her Aunt Dora because,
0220R01 as she says, it is more in keeping with Aunt*'s age and generation.
0230R01 ^Actually I think Mum*'1s a wee bit jealous. ^For at 35
0240R01 Aunt*'1s not all that_ old, I feel. ^In fact she*'1s rather glamorous.
0250R01 ^She*'1s a snazzy dresser-- quite a looker too. ^It*'1s
0260R01 only her Panlike qualities, I guess, that_ make her the way she is.
0270R01 ^Which is why, I suppose, she*'1s still unmarried, and continues
0280R01 to_ teach little girls music in that_ convent school in North India.
0290R01 $*3*^*I*0 guess all this was enough to_ make Mum go all neurotic
0300R01 that_ morning, when she received Aunt*'s telegram announcing Aunt*'s
0310R01 arrival on December 17 to_ spend Christmas with us.
0320R01 $"^It*'1s time you got ready for that_ piano lesson of yours," she
0330R01 reminded me coldly. "^And you have not practised." $^My mind
0331R01 flew to the lesson, due in less than an hour.
0340R01 ^*I love my piano lessons. ^After all, it*'1s
0350R01 my latest fad, as Dad says. ^Though he says it won*'4t last long,
0360R01 it*'2s already lasted almost a year and I hope will last for many more.
0370R01 ^Can*'4t understand why Mum and Dad have so little faith in
0380R01 me! $^*I must tell you, my music teacher, he*'1s quite dishy!
0390R01 ^Oh he*'1s old, all right! ^About 40 perhaps! ^Not married,
0400R01 but tall, and with the most romantic of names. ^He calls himself Don
0410R01 Alcindo Roberto Huberto Antonio Gomeze. ^He says he*'1s
0420R01 Portuguese; he*'1s very musical. $^Mum too agrees that he*'1s musical.
0430R01 ^But she says he*'1s no more Portuguese than she is. ^*Mum
0440R01 says he*'1s Goan. ^She says that at home he*'1s just Tony Gomes.
0450R01 ^Trust Mum to_ pull the skeletons out of anyone*'s cupboard!
0460R01 ^Trust her to_ destroy the most romantic of illusions! $^He*'1s
0470R01 a thorough gentleman, Mum does admit, in spite of her assessment
0480R01 of his antecedents. (^That_*'1s what Mum calls it. ^Presume
0490R01 antecedents are to humans what pedigrees are to dogs!). ^But I tell
0500R01 you, Don Alcindo can be a bore-- at times. ^Chiefly when he*'1s
0510R01 on at me about those wrong notes. ^And when he drags a half-hour lesson
0520R01 into an hour. $^DON Alcindo arrived as usual-- on the dot.
0530R01 ^As the clock struck 10, he appeared, striding up the driveway.
0540R01 $"^Good morning, Miss Linny!" he greeted me. (^He always says
0550R01 Miss Linny. ^So respectful!) $^In any case we sat down to our
0560R01 lesson; and because I had not practised, I suppose, those wrong notes
0570R01 kept coming all the time. $"^*I*'3m sorry, Sir!" ^*I apologised,
0580R01 when there were more wrong ones than right. (^*I always say
0590R01 'Sir'. ^Since he respects me I respect him.) "^Truth is, I
0600R01 haven*'4t practised." $"^Why not?" $"^Well, my favourite aunt is
0610R01 due for Christmas, and I*'3ve been all excited." $^Well, that_
0620R01 wasn*'4t really the truth. ^But what are a few white lies, after
0630R01 all, between teacher and pupil? $^And because I did not want to_
0640R01 upset him further, I began to_ talk about Aunt Pan. ^Certainly not
0650R01 about her special qualities. ^*Don Alcindo would never appreciate
0660R01 those, I was positive. ^But I told him about Aunt Pan, and how
0670R01 she taught music to little girls in a convent school in North India.
0680R01 $"^This aunt of yours," he said, when I ran out of information.
0690R01 "^She sounds interesting. ^*I should like to_ meet her."
0700R01 $^So I promised to_ introduce him to Aunt the moment she arrived.
0710R01 $^AND it was into the business of Christmas that Aunt stepped
0720R01 that_ December 17 morning. ^For there was Dad busy putting up streamers
0730R01 in the sitting room, Mum busy sorting through the box of Christmas
0740R01 tree ornaments. ^Juicy aromas coming from the kitchen said that
0750R01 our cook was busy with his Yuletide baking the *4culculs and Rosie
0760R01 cookies I*'3m so crazy about. $^As for me, there was I at the piano
0770R01 busy having a lesson. ^Enough to_ drive me truly crazy.
0780R01 ^All because Don Alcindo does not believe in Christmas holidays.
0790R01 $^*Aunt Pan came bustling in-- a suitcase in each hand, a shoulder bag
0800R01 swinging from each shoulder. ^Not to_ mention a bulging handbag tucked
0810R01 under one arm, and a rolled umbrella tucked under the other. ^Clutching
0820R01 all that_, she managed to_ embrace Mum and Dad, then staggered
0830R01 across to the piano where we were. ^On the way, of course, she
0840R01 toppled a peg table and knocked over a vase. ^Unworried, she went
0850R01 about landing a sound kiss on my head, as I swung round on the piano
0860R01 stool to_ greet her-- and that_ Musk perfume she was smelling of.
0870R01 $^As I glanced at Don Alcindo next, I couldn*'4t quite understand that_
0880R01 look on his face. ^Could be it was amazement? ^At Aunt*'s
0890R01 Pan-like qualities. ^Or perhaps admiration? ^For Aunt herself.
0900R01 ^She was looking pretty good, I must say, in spite of that_
0910R01 perfume and that_ gear, which she seemed so reluctant to_ part with.
0920R01 $^But no time to_ think. ^No time to_ even introduce them.
0930R01 ^For, next moment, plop went a suitcase, and Aunt seized Don Alcindo
0940R01 by the hand. ^As she pumped away at his hand, she said how nice
0950R01 it was to_ meet him, how she*'d heard so much about him from Linny,
0960R01 how she*'1d love to_ hear him play, how she*'1d love to_ play for him,
0970R01 and all that_. $"^And Maestro!" she ended with a giggle. "^May
0980R01 I say, you are dishy, as Linny says." $^*Maestro! ^*I almost
0990R01 choked. ^Talk about overdoing it! ^Even I*'d never thought
1000R01 of calling him that_. $^Now it was Don Alcindo*'s turn. ^And
1010R01 talk about laying it on! ^You should have heard him, as he bent
1020R01 low over Aunt*'s hand, planting noisy kisses on it! $"^Ah, Mees
1030R01 Pandora eet ees a pleasure! ^*I hear so much from Mees Linny about
1040R01 you. ^And may I say, you are very preety." **[sic**] ^Of course,
1050R01 he talks that_ way when he*'1s trying to_ impress people. ^He was going
1060R01 overboard with his Portuguese bit. ^But impress he did. ^At
1070R01 once she told him he must play for her. $^As I vacated the stool,
1080R01 Don Alcindo sat down and began to_ play. ^But as Mum now looked
1090R01 as if she would explode I suggested, very tactfully, "^Why not get
1100R01 organised, Aunt Pan?" $^She didn*'4t want to, I could tell,
1110R01 but she dragged herself away-- luggage and all. "^Well, that_
1120R01 was certainly very kind of you, Maestro!" she said to Don Alcindo
1130R01 before she left. "^Such a pleasure! ^*I hope we meet again!"
1140R01 $^To which Don Alcindo replied, to my complete amazement: "But,
1150R01 of course, Mees Pandora! ^We meet tomorrow. ^*Mees Linny*'2s
1160R01 **[sic**] another lesson." $^Well of all the...! ^*I swore. ^*I
1170R01 could have killed him. ^*I wasn*'4t due for a lesson till the day
1180R01 before Christmas, and then I was expecting a holiday. ^How dare
1190R01 he? ^But, of course, anything for Aunt Pan. ^No doubt about it.
1200R01 ^They*'d flipped for each other. $*3^BUT*0 as I lay in bed that_
1210R01 night, think it over, I wondered if anything would come of it.
1220R01 ^After all, except for music, what did they have in common? ^He
1230R01 so perfect. ^She so the opposite. ^Not to_ mention the waste
1240R01 of time for me-- an additional lesson, when there was so much to_ do for
1250R01 Christmas. $^However, I should not have worried about the lesson.
1260R01 ^For the next day it was very clear that the lesson was an excuse
1270R01 for him to_ get close to her. ^Why, I had hardly played six
1271R01 bars when he was already asking where my
1280R01 charming aunt was! $^And do you know she came in, bang on cue?
1290R01 $"^Well, here I am Maestro!" she answered, materialising from
1300R01 somewhere in the background-- all dressed and done up to the nines.
1310R01 ^One would think she was to_ dine at Government House, or something!
1320R01 ^And as you*'3ve guessed, that_ was the end of the lesson--
1330R01 for me, that_ is. ^For her it was a beginning. ^For him, too,
1340R01 I suppose! ^You know-- romance, linked with music. ^As I proceeded
1350R01 to_ make my exit and she took my place at the piano, they went
1360R01 straight into it. $^And at the end of it all, he had the nerve to_
1370R01 tell me: "Well, Mees Linnny, a loverly **[sic**] lesson! ^Another tomorrow.
1380R01 ^One every day till Christmas. ^Special treat." $^For
1390R01 whom? ^*I was dying to_ ask. ^In any case, I got the message.
1400R01 ^So I answered, "^Thank you, Sir!. ^Very kind of you."
1410R01 $^And next day*'s lesson followed the same pattern. ^There*'1s not
1420R01 much to_ report on the days that_ followed. ^Except that soon there
1430R01 was parental reaction to the goings-on. ^On the twenty-second night
1440R01 I heard Mum declare to Dad. "^Seems like he*'1s using Linny*'s
1450R01 lessons as an excuse!" $^On the twenty-third morning Mum said
1460R01 something about their being besotted. (^*I presume that means 'saturated
1470R01 in love'). ^On the twenty-fourth morning heard Mum confirm
1480R01 it. "^Certain he*'1s serious about her, Terence! ^Think anything
1490R01 will come of it?" $"^Come of what?" ^*I asked, poking my head
1500R01 round the door, before Dad could answer. $^But Mum grew quite hot."
1510R01 ^*I tell you, Terence, this girl*'1s an eavesdropper!" she
1520R01 declared. $"^But I only asked an innocent question," I protested.
1530R01 ^Well, not innocent, I admit. ^But how else was I to_ find
1540R01 out how they felt about the matter? $^In any case there was another
1550R01 matter, as the day progressed. ^*Rajesh phoned, asking if I*'1d like
1560R01 to_ go to the Christmas dance at his Dad*'s club on Christmas
1570R01 evening. ^*I said I*'1d love to, but I*'1d have to_ ask Mum.
1580R01 ^*Rajesh said I could bring a chaperone, if need be. $^Small incentive
1590R01 that_! ^Knowing Mum, she*'1d say no in any case. ^Still,
1600R01 I had a small hope, though I lacked the courage to_ ask. ^With
1610R01 a Mum like mine, can you blame me? $*3*CHRISTMAS*0 morning,
1620R01 and the problem loomed large. ^So much so, it rather robbed me of
1630R01 that_ spirit of Christmas. ^However, gift-giving time made me feel
1640R01 a lot better as Santa had fulfilled all my wishes. (^Figuratively
1650R01 speaking, that_ is. ^You don*'4t think at my age I believe
1660R01 in Santa do you?). ^As we sat there in the sitting room after breakfast,
1670R01 with Dad playing Santa, distributing all those gaily-wrapped
1680R01 packages stacked at the foot of the Christmas tree, I soon got the
1690R01 ice skates I was waiting so anxiously for. ^Among many other things,
1700R01 a smashing Granny *4shawl from Aunt Pan. $^It follows, of
1710R01 course, that Mum, Dad and Aunt deserved the gifts which I had for
1720R01 them, as well as those sound kisses which I gave all three. ^And,
1730R01 do you know Mum looked pleased? $^But with gift-giving done with,
1740R01 I noticed, here remained one packet under the tree. "^And who
1750R01 is that_ for?" ^*I asked, pointing. $"^Oh, that_*'1s for Tony!"
1760R01 answered Aunt, going a shade of pink, like the lipstick I use sometimes.
1770R01 "^Do you know Iris, he*'2s asked me to_ the New Year*'s
1780R01 Eve ball," she turned to Mum to_ say quickly.*#
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        **[txt. r02**]
0010R02 **<*3A MODEL *VILLAGE*0**>
0020R02 $^IT was a Progressive Village. ^The Winds of Change blowing
0030R02 over it had swept everyone off his feet. ^In every nook and corner
0040R02 you could feel the desire for improvement. ^Unmistakable. ^Reassuring.
0050R02 ^Effusive. ^Enthusiasm was so boundless it was gaily bubbling
0060R02 over and the atmosphere was benevolently infected with Generosity.
0070R02 $^The simple village folk seemed to_ be suddenly struck with
0080R02 the Magic of Ambition. ^Determined to_ make their village the most
0090R02 talked of in the whole Country they shook themselves out of their age-old
0100R02 lethargy with activities and achievements that_ tantalized their neighbours.
0110R02 ^Who knows, the more vain-glorious among them boasted,
0120R02 they may even be honoured with the distinction of being the Best Village
0130R02 in the whole Country. ^Enthusiasm soared sky-high and Spirits
0140R02 sparkled effervescent. $^It all started when a treacherous gust
0150R02 of Wind blew off the roof of the School building and the devastating
0160R02 rains crumbled down its walls, leaving the children to_ play helter-skelter
0170R02 along the roads. ^One of the well-meaning elders rightly
0180R02 concerned about the future of the Village magnanimously donated his unused
0190R02 farmhouse and a few hectares of adjacent land for a new School Building.
0200R02 ^Stung by such unexpected generosity, his Rival immediately
0210R02 donated ten hectares of his own, for a Hospital. $^STRANGE
0220R02 though it may seem, the munificent donations shattered the peace of
0230R02 the Village and gave rise to discord. ^The friends of the First
0240R02 Donor belittled the generosity of the Second contending that the ten
0250R02 hectares situated on the top of a hill served no useful purpose.
0260R02 ^The supporters of the Second stoutly maintained that what the land lacked
0270R02 in Utility it certainly made up for in extent. ^Tempers ran alarmingly
0280R02 high and as arguments were bowled and batted across the Village
0290R02 it looked as if the splendid cause espoused by both would be scorched
0300R02 in the flame of offended feelings. ^But Good Sense was not quite
0310R02 dead in the Village. ^Reason prevailed. ^The secret and timely
0320R02 intervention of Local Development Officials was so tactful that
0330R02 it couldn*'4t help being successful. **[sic**] ^As suddenly as he had given
0340R02 it, the Second Donor withdrew his gift and donated another plot of
0350R02 land which by any standard was the Best in the Village. ^This gesture
0360R02 triggered off not only lavish praise but also other equally lavish
0370R02 gifts quietly engineered by enthusiastic Officials who saw in such a
0380R02 conducive atmosphere endless opportunities for the furtherance of their
0390R02 own ambition. ^Every occasion became reason enough to_ contribute
0400R02 something to the new ever-expanding Village Betterment Schemes.
0410R02 \^WHEN one little tot gave away all her pocket money for the New
0420R02 School Building and won a great deal of praise, another young man
0430R02 donated all of his First Month*'s salary for the Hospital and earned
0440R02 deeply-felt Gratitude. ^While one of the Village-folk donated
0450R02 thousands of stones from his quarry, another gave truck-loads of timber
0460R02 from his land. ^While one grateful Father donated a large sum of
0470R02 money in gratitude for his Son*'s recoverey from a dangerous illness,
0480R02 another irate Parent gave away his whole estate disinheriting his only
0490R02 Son who had crossed his paternal wishes. $^Thus Philanthropy
0500R02 vied with Rivalry Generosity with envy and Gratitude with Offended
0510R02 Pride to_ swell the Village Betterment Funds. ^Nobody bothered
0520R02 who gave or why for it was to the good of all. ^Those who had no
0530R02 cash gave in kind and those who had neither, contributed a day*'s labour
0540R02 every week for no cause as noble as theirs should be allowed to_ suffer.
0550R02 $^As proof of the earnestness and enthusiasm of the determined
0560R02 little village, rose the buildings, one by one, steadily and surely,
0570R02 concreted against the serene sky of the hither-to unheard of hamlet.
0580R02 ^First to_ rise **[sic**] its head was the school building which though
0590R02 meant to_ be a Primary School held promise of soon growing to the
0600R02 Secondary Stage. ^So too was the Hospital Building quickly rising
0610R02 to_ hold all of the 30 beds it was meant for. ^In addition were
0620R02 the Community Hall, the Library, the Radio Pavilion and the
0630R02 Children*'s Park quickly growing and waking the village to life.
0640R02 ^While linking them all were the roads, carefully and neatly laid out,
0650R02 the many arteries of activity and progress. ^And sprouting up between
0660R02 all of these were the provision stores and the shops, the stalls and the
0670R02 coffee-houses, all humming with activity and business. ^Every bit
0680R02 of it as it should be. ^For what does progress connote except that
0690R02 the people have increased chances of earning and spending money?
0700R02 $^WITHIN a couple of years, with the Government lending a commodiously
0710R02 helping hand the Schemes were all complete and the several structures
0720R02 were standing there in testimony of the hard work and the single-minded
0730R02 ambition of the unsophisticated people who had surpassed everyone in
0740R02 the neighbourhood. ^Everywhere, everybody was speaking about it
0750R02 and no wonder! ^They deserved it all: the Applause, the Appreciation,
0760R02 and everything else it was possible to_ give. ^They had no
0770R02 doubt earned it. $^The Praise and Adulation which the simple
0780R02 village-folk received, the like of which they had never tasted in
0790R02 the past, went straight to their heads. ^They longed for more of it.
0800R02 ^They wanted to_ earn it by making the Inauguration of the New
0810R02 Projects the most talked of event of the Year. ^The Committee
0820R02 in charge of it was planning everything in detail. ^This, more than
0830R02 anything, should be provocative and unusual. ^The Committee met and
0840R02 talked, talked and argued, argued and debated but couldn*'4t move a
0850R02 step further from where they had started. ^They wanted to_ do something
0860R02 sensational. ^Out of the Ordinary... ^What could it be?
0870R02 $^Numerous ideas were put forward but were as easily voted against.
0880R02 ^All of them seemed to_ lack Imagination. ^There was
0890R02 no Originality. ^They all seemed to_ be moving in the same old
0900R02 rut. ^Thinking of the same old things. ^Some Minister or
0910R02 Head of State or Celebrity for the Inaguration. ^They did not
0920R02 dream that here was a chance to_ create a stir, to_ whip up a Sensation.
0930R02 ^What was needed was merely an idea, the idea of Ideas, to_ whizz
0940R02 them into Fame. ^But no one could think of it. ^The aspiring
0950R02 among them sighed with Frustration and Annoyance. $^AND
0960R02 suddenly someone thought of it. ^Why not get a *4Harijan to_ inaugurate
0970R02 the School and Hospital? ^Why not break all conventions and shoot
0980R02 themselves into Publicity? ^The few murmurs of dissent were quickly
0990R02 hushed into silence by the voices of the liberals that_ were loud enough
1000R02 to_ shout them down. ^It would be the very thing to_ show the
1010R02 World how Progressive they were. ^Progressive not merely economically
1020R02 and educationally but also socially. ^Theirs would be the
1030R02 First Village in the Country to_ so boldly and fearlessly cast aside all
1040R02 shackles of Caste. ^It was just what they were looking for.
1050R02 ^The idea of the Year! ^The Young Blood in the village would be chilled
1060R02 neither by Opposition, nor by Disapproval. ^They jubilantly
1070R02 wound up the proceedings.
1080R02 $^By general agreement Guruva and Thukra were singled out for the honour
1090R02 of inaugurating the Projects, their right to distinction being based
1100R02 on the fact that they were the oldest members of the Class looked down
1110R02 upon as Untouchable. ^One belonged to the *4Madiga and the
1120R02 other to the *4Holeya community. ^The lowliest of the low no doubt
1130R02 but that_ would be the very thing to_ raise the status of the village
1140R02 in everyone*'s eyes. $^When the invitation reached the two
1150R02 Guests of Honour they seemed bewildered and nonplussed. ^Seated
1160R02 outside their huts with only a loin-cloth covering their nakedness they
1170R02 listened as though in a daze. ^What had happened to everyone.
1180R02 they wondered. ^In this age when Man had wandered to the Moon
1190R02 was it possible that the whole village was Moonstruck? ^What were the
1200R02 learned men saying? ^Had they understood them correctly? ^Or were they
1210R02 losing their hearing as they were getting on in age? $^PATIENTLY
1220R02 the members of the Village Betterment Committee explained to the two
1230R02 lowly men how they wanted to_ show the whole country that theirs was a
1240R02 Casteless Society, that they had changed not merely the face of the village
1250R02 but also revolutionised the hearts of the villagers and that they
1260R02 were out to_ prove to the World that they had wiped out caste distinctions
1270R02 in their village. $^But the old men who had spent their whole
1280R02 lives squirming at the feet of the great lords and *4Brahmins of old
1290R02 could not understand it at all. ^They had always been taught that
1300R02 Caste differences did exist and said so but the great men who had approached
1310R02 them shouted them down with words that_ could make no sense to
1320R02 them. ^So they tried a different mode of approach. ^They
1330R02 pleaded their ignorance, their poverty, their lack of manners but the
1340R02 learned ones were not to_ be pushed aside so lightly. $^At
1350R02 last the plainly frightened and confused souls pleaded their lack of clothes.
1360R02 "^We do not even have decent clothes to_ wear," confessed Thukra.
1370R02 $^The members of the Village Betterment Committee were
1380R02 instantaneously generous. "^We shall present you both with a complete
1390R02 set of clothes," they promised "^A shirt, *4dhoti and *4shawl. ^There*'1s
1400R02 nothing to_ worry about that_." $"^But... but..."
1410R02 stuttered Guruva, "We don*'4t know... how... how... to_ wear it." $"wear
1420R02 what? $"^A *4dhoti" $"^You see, we*'3ve never worn a
1430R02 *4dhoti in our lives," explained Thukra. "^We*'3ve gone mostly without
1440R02 clothes." $^Here was a problem indeed! ^The Members of
1450R02 the Village Betterment Committee retired to a safe distance and conferred
1460R02 among themselves. $^IF these two men didn*'4t know
1470R02 how to_ wear a *4dhoti what could be done about it? ^They were Caste
1480R02 Hindus. ^Could they touch these Untouchables and defile themselves?
1490R02 ^It might even mean losing their places in Society. ^Asking them
1500R02 to_ inaugurate the Projects was a different matter. ^They could stand
1510R02 at a respectable distance and wouldn*'4t be called upon to_ touch
1520R02 them. ^But helping them wear a *4dhoti involved physical contact. ^This
1530R02 was far too grave a problem than **[sic**] they had bargained for. ^The
1540R02 more mature minded among them shook their heads. ^The younger few
1550R02 whistled with perplexity. $^At last one of them had a brain
1560R02 wave. "^Why wear a *4dhoti traditional style? ^Let them just wrap
1570R02 it round their waists *(Mundu-Style*). ^That_*'1s respectable enough!"
1580R02 he suggested and the others breathed a sigh of relief. $^The next
1590R02 day brought fresh cause for apprehension. "^We have never sat on chairs.
1600R02 ^We don*'4t know what it feels like to_ sit on one," said the
1610R02 now very nervous and troubled guests of honour. ^By this time they
1620R02 had already been informed that they would have to_ sit on a dais, that
1630R02 they would have to_ be photographed, that all eyes would be focussed on
1640R02 them and that the newspapers the next day would carry an account of it
1650R02 all. ^This information, far from leaving them pleased, left them in
1660R02 a frenzy of nervousness and fear. "^What are we to_ do?" they wailed.
1670R02 "^How are we to_ act? ^We do not want to_ ape our betters,"
1680R02 they protested. "^We are satisfied with our own lowly place in society."
1690R02 $^The Village Betterment Committee was quick to_ act.
1700R02 ^A team was sent to_ boost up the morale of the two men and a couple
1710R02 of chairs were made available to them so that during the day they might
1720R02 rest their limbs in them to_ rehearse the roles they were called upon
1730R02 to_ play and at night set at rest the fears that_ haunted their sleepless
1740R02 hours. $^WITHIN a few days the two guests of honour had learnt
1750R02 to_ sit, stand and carry themselves about with dignity and decorum and
1760R02 everything seemed to_ be going on as it should. ^Until somebody tried
1770R02 to_ improve upon their best and flashed a last-minute idea A Dinner
1780R02 at the end of it all with the members of the Village Betterment
1790R02 Committee dining in the company of the two guests of Honour to_ show
1800R02 everyone that they had no inhibitions about dining with Untouchables,
1810R02 that Untouchability was really and truly a thing of the Past in the
1820R02 Village.*#
        **[no. of words = 02015**]

        **[text. r03**]
0010R03 **<*3FUEL X*0**> $^*I COULD SEE a helicopter waiting, its
0020R03 rotor-blades idling. $^*I waited for all the passengers to_ disembark
0030R03 from the Jumbo. ^Like our honourable prime minister, I too don*'4t
0040R03 believe in the wasteful practice of special \0VVVIP charter flights.
0050R03 ^As I set foot on *8terra firma*9, a man, clad in a *4lungi and
0060R03 with two ears strung together by the most complete set of teeth I had
0070R03 ever seen, grabbed me in a bear hug and said: 'Welcome, *7bhappe!'
0080R03 $^When I recovered I was already airborne in the helicopter.
0090R03 $^The man in the *4lungi shoved a fistful of peanuts into his mouth.
0100R03 ^He said: 'I always wear this to_ receive our most honoured guests
0110R03 from your great country. ^But the guy who presented me with this *4lungi
0120R03 taught me how to_ tie it but not how to_ handle it while standing
0130R03 under the whirling rotor-blades of a chopper. ^Can be awfully embarrassing.
0140R03 ^Makes me feel like Marilyn Monroe standing over the
0150R03 grille of a subway manhole'. $'^*I remember the famous photograph!
0160R03 ^*I responded. '^The thing to_ do,' I added helpfully, 'is to_
0170R03 gather the *4lungi and grip it between tightly clenched knees!'
0180R03 $'^Thanks pal!' he said. '^*I*'3ll remember it. ^Now,
0190R03 let*'3s get down to brass tacks, you said you could solve the most major
0200R03 problem that_ faces us and therefore the whole of mankind.' $^*I
0210R03 nodded. ^The helicopter landed. ^We walked into the White House.
0220R03 $'^We*'3re faced,' he said, 'with a gruellingly severe winter.
0230R03 ^And we*'3re still far from having solved our fuel shortage problem.
0240R03 ^Well that_*'1s what you are here to_ solve. ^Right?' $'^As
0250R03 a consultant' I reminded him . '^A consultant with a blank cheque
0260R03 as a fee, subject to a gentler income tax than they wield in my country.'
0270R03 $'^Yes,' he confirmed. $'^Pensionable? ^With six-month
0280R03 vacations thrown in each year, all expenses paid, at all the holiday
0290R03 resorts of the world?' ^*I asked. $'^Yes.' $'^And you*3'll
0300R03 give me American citizenship and a secret Swiss bank account?'
0310R03 $'^Yes, yes!' he answered impatiently. ^But what*'1s your solution
0320R03 to our problem?' $^*I smiled indulgently. '^*I*'3ll answer that_.
0330R03 ^But first let*'3s get all the terms and conditions of my consultancy
0340R03 straight'. $'^Shoot,' he said, leaning back in his swivel chair.
0350R03 $^*I amost ducked involuntarily, but checked the impulse realising
0360R03 he didn'*4t mean it as an order-- only as a figure of speech. '^You*'3ll
0370R03 bear all the expenses.' $'^Yes,' he confirmed. $'^You
0380R03 undertake to_ set up a plant, at your cost, to_ process and package Fuel
0390R03 X in each and every town in our country, leaving the equity holding
0400R03 entirely in the hands of our country*'s tiny, small, medium, large
0410R03 or public sector industry, as the case may be?' $'^Yes,' he answered.
0420R03 $'^You*'3ll supply at your cost all the cylinders that_ will
0430R03 be needed-- super-reinforced to_ withstand super-hi pressures?' ^*I asked.
0440R03 $'^Yes,' he answered. $'^*I need one gas cylinder for my kitchen,'
0450R03 I said. ^It*'is impossible to_ get one, in Bombay'. $'^*I*'3ll
0460R03 give you dozen.' $'^It*'is just that_ my wife*'2s been complaining.
0470R03 ^It*'is impossible to_ cook a meal on a kerosene stove, more
0480R03 so since even kerosene is not so easy to_ come by. ^Electric cooking
0490R03 ranges are of course out of the question because of \0BEST*'s steal-you-blind
0500R03 power-rates.' $'^*I understand,' he said patiently,
0510R03 smiling to_ keep his ears apart. ^He added: 'I*'3ll even give you-- er.
0520R03 ^*I mean-I*'3ll talk to someone in your country who*'3ll arrange for
0530R03 you to_ get the sole all-India distributorship for \0HP cooking gas,
0540R03 as well as for Burshane, Indane and Calgas.' $'^Err-- err--,' I
0550R03 said. $'^Yes?' he asked. $'^*I also want-- while I*'3m
0560R03 here-- to_ see 'The Godfather', 'The Last Tango in Paris', 'Behind
0570R03 The Green Door', 'The Devil in Miss Jones', 'Deep Throat',
0580R03 in fact all the movies I can*'4t hope to_ see in India. ^All
0590R03 of them, uncensored. ^*Unrevised, if you please. ^And aslo a
0600R03 few visits to Playboy Clubs as well as to your friendly neighbourhood
0610R03 massage parlours'. $'^Okay,' he said. '^You realise, of course,
0620R03 that as a Godfearing man I can*'4t accompany you.' $'^That_*'1s
0630R03 perfectly alright', I assued him 'as long as you get someone else
0640R03 to_ fill in for you. ^*Raquel Welch for instance.' $'^That_ I
0650R03 don*'4t promise. ^But I do promise to_ try.' $'^Thanks,' I
0660R03 said. ^And to_ prove that you*'3re serious, you*'3ll also throw in
0670R03 a lifetime membership of the Breach Candy Swimming Pool?'
0680R03 $'^Okay. ^*I think I might be able to_ swing it. ^And I promise
0690R03 to_ love you forever.' $'^Then it*'1s a deal!... ^Pal!' I said.
0700R03 $'^Now will you get on with it? ^How do you plan to_ help us
0710R03 solve our fuel shortage problem? ^But first I want to_ know what
0720R03 *3is this mysterious Fuel X?' $'^Hot air,' I said. $'^Huh?'
0730R03 he asked. $'^Oh,' I responded, 'you don*'4t believe we can
0740R03 give you a sufficient and ongoing supply of hot air to_ meet your needs.
0750R03 ^No way, pal! ^You can have it till it comes out of your ears.
0760R03 ^Our resources are limitless. ^So limitless we can even launch
0770R03 our own \0AID program-- Assistance to the Industrially Developed--
0780R03 though Dependent nations.' $^His eyes bulged and had a blank
0790R03 glaze to them. $^*I felt it necessary to_ spell it out for him.
0800R03 ^*I said, slowly: 'We have prime ministers and ex-prime ministers.
0810R03 ^*Chief Ministers and deputy chief ministers. ^*Officials and
0820R03 ex-officials. ^*Ministers and ex-Ministers, including health ministers.
0830R03 ^Also businessmen. ^We have no ex-businessmen! ^And
0840R03 many more, including editors and ex-editors. ^They all constantly
0850R03 hold forth at public meetings, press conferences, enquiry commissions
0860R03 and private gatherings. ^All we need is the equipment to_ tap all
0870R03 the mikes being used and to_ bottle the stuff in cylinders. ^You
0880R03 can*'4t *3burn Fuel X. ^But you can certainly let it gently waft
0890R03 out of the cylinders to_ keep your citizens warm during the longest
0900R03 of nights in the severest of winters. ^And there will be plenty of it
0910R03 to_ spare for the people in Greenland.' $'^Huh?' $'^Right,' I answered.
0920R03 '^And if we can bottle all this hot air under sufficiently high pressure,
0930R03 it can be used in automobiles, aircraft and space rockets to_
0940R03 provide the required propulsion to_ move you from Point A to Point
0950R03 B.' $^*I paused, to_ let it sink in, smiled and added: 'It*'1s
0960R03 not that you, and others in your vast democracy, don*'4t produce
0970R03 a lot of Fuel X. '^It*'1s just that our resources are vaster and we
0980R03 are more advanced in the technology of producing Fuel X...' $'^Cough...
0990R03 splutter... choke...' he said, as he stumbled across to the door,
1000R03 swung it open violently and imperiously pointed the way out. $^*I am
1010R03 an Indian. ^Sensitive to the niceties of true hospitality and ready-as-ever
1020R03 to_ take umbrage at the slightest of slights. $^*I rose
1030R03 from my chair with dignity. ^*I gathered my four-foot-something-five-feet-nothing
1040R03 height to its full imposing stature and said: 'Okay,
1050R03 I can take a hint. ^But before I take your humble leave, let me,
1060R03 most humbly, set you straight on a few facts of life. ^For instance,
1070R03 you may or you may not choose to_ supply us with the heavy water we
1080R03 need, but there are plenty of others who might. ^And if they don*'4t,
1090R03 we are self-sufficient enough to_ manage with what our prime minister
1100R03 can produce for us.' $'^Glub-huh-' he said. $^But I*'3m
1110R03 not one to_ be interrupted-- who is, in our country? ^So I just
1120R03 continued: '^Similarly. ^You may or may not have any use for my
1130R03 brilliant, life-saving proposal for Fuel X. ^But there are plenty
1140R03 of fish in the petroleum-starved pond. ^That_*'1s not all. ^*I
1150R03 can always go back to my country and sell it there. ^Our-very-own-George
1160R03 the-giant-killer has already killed most of the dragons. ^To him
1170R03 my Fuel X proposal won*'4t be just a lot of hot air. ^He*'3ll
1180R03 buy it to_ keep the windmills moving so he can continue to_ tilt at them.'
1190R03 $^With that_ this Indian moved out of the Oval Room with a
1200R03 measured stride, his head held high. $^*I made it a point to_ swing
1210R03 the door shut behind me-- with gentle but firm dignity.
1220R03 $**<*3A MATTER OF PRESTIGE*0**>
1230R03 $"^COME on, hurry up," \0Mr. Patel told his wife impatiently.
1240R03 "^Yes dear, please wait," \0Mrs. Patel motioned her hands,
1250R03 and arranged her *4saree for the last time. ^She sighed in satisfaction
1260R03 and looked rather solicitously at her husband. \0^*Mr. Patel was
1270R03 dressed in a well-cut suit and donned a red, striking tie. ^Though only
1280R03 38, he had begun to_ lose hair. ^His brain mechanism for reception
1290R03 of advice was now fully at his wife*'s disposal. ^He had also used
1300R03 a soap as suggested by his wife, which was utilised by women to_ stimulate
1310R03 hair growth. $^Anyone observing this couple would have immediately
1320R03 and automatically come to the conclusion that they hailed from a wealthy
1330R03 family. \0^*Mr. Patel*'s suit and his wife*'s *4saree and
1340R03 all the jewels that_ adorned her gave that_ impression. \0^*Mrs. Patel
1350R03 locked the door of their 3-room flat in the Chembur Suburbs.
1360R03 \0^*Mr. Patel, who was already out on the road, hurriedly hailed a taxi.
1370R03 $^He could see his wife*'s silhouette against the building walls,
1380R03 dimly lit by the road lamps. ^He waved his hand impatiently and \0Mrs.
1390R03 Patel was slightly out of breath when she reached the taxi.
1400R03 ^The cabbie thought it was his lucky day when he saw the sparkling jewels
1410R03 around \0Mrs. Patel*'s neck. ^He thanked his stars for having
1420R03 given him such a passenger today. ^The taxi surged forward bouncing
1430R03 along the road. ^Once it bounced so much that \0Mr. and \0Mrs.
1440R03 Patel almost crashed together. ^The cabbie instantly apologised,
1450R03 though there was really no need for an apologly, as the couple had made
1460R03 good use of their opportunity. ^The cabbie could hear them talking
1470R03 in low tones, but it was not his habit to_ eavesdrop. ^He concentrated
1480R03 on driving them to Sion. $\0^MR. Patel said in a low voice:
1490R03 "Dear, I hope you are sure that no one knows the truth about your
1500R03 jewels." "^Yes, Hari, no one knows their authenticity except the
1510R03 owner of the shop in our society stores that_ sells such bangles,"
1520R03 \0Mrs. Patel reassured him. "^Owner of the shop..." \0^*Mr. Patel
1530R03 looked up anxiously. "^Don*'4t be so stupid," \0Mrs. Patel admonished.
1540R03 "^He has gone back to Gujarat." $\0^*Mr. Patel was
1550R03 relieved. ^They were silent for a few moments. \0^*Mrs. Patel
1560R03 then asked. "^*I forgot how much you paid for the jewels?"
1570R03 "^Only \0*4Rs. 25, dear," \0Mr. Patel assured her. "^But still
1580R03 we cannot deceive the public about the suit," \0Mrs. Patel said resignedly.
1590R03 "^Yes," agreed \0Mr. Patel. ^For a few seconds, they
1600R03 concentrated on the buildings flying behind them. $"^How much money
1610R03 do you have with you now?" \0^*Mrs. Patel queried. "^About \0*4Rs.
1620R03 14." \0^*Mr. patel said. "^How much then are we going to_ give
1630R03 the wedded couple?" \0^*Mrs. Patel raised the question. "^About
1640R03 \0*4Rs. 4-5, I guess," \0Mr. Patel said airily. $^Just then the
1650R03 wedding hall came into sight. ^As his passengers got out, the cabbie
1660R03 thought joyously. "^This couple looks very generous. ^*I guess
1670R03 they*'3ll give me \0*4Rs. 2 at least as a tip." ^Just then \0Mr.
1680R03 Patel asked, "what*'1s the bill?" "\0*4^*Rs. 3.10, sir," the cabbie
1690R03 replied at once. ^He was astonished when he saw exactly \0*4Rs. 3.10
1700R03 land on his hand. "^No tip, sir?" he asked, puzzled. "^What
1710R03 tip? ^No tip, nothing," \0Mr. Patel said and the two left.
1720R03 $^The cabbie shook his head sadly. $*3^AN*0 hour later, the wedding
1730R03 reception was over. ^The Sion railway station was not very far
1740R03 away from the wedding hall and \0Mrs. Patel*'s fat made the walking
1750R03 uncomfortable for her body. ^Soon they were at the station. ^They
1760R03 went and purchased their tickets for the Thana station. "^Had your
1770R03 mother not told us to_ come today, we would have already been home
1780R03 by now," \0Mr. Patel complained. ^The train was late. ^25 minutes
1790R03 had passed since they had bought their tickets. $"^Had she not
1800R03 called us, we would have had to_ waste more than \0*4Rs. 5 to_ keep
1810R03 up our impression of being rich," \0Mrs. Patel retorted. \0^*Mr.
1820R03 Patel flinched, and just then a 16-year-old boy standing near them
1830R03 caught their attention. ^The boy was dressed in simple clothes and
1840R03 wore rubber slippers. "^Poor boy," \0Mr. Patel thought with pity.
1850R03 "^Must be going by *=2 class." $^The same thoughts flitted
1860R03 through the boy*'s mind.*#
        **[no. of words = 02016**]

        **[txt. r04**]
0010R04 **<*3LOVE AND LIBERATION*0**> $^SUMIT CHATTERJEE had pretty set
0020R04 views about life. ^About love. ^About females: and the type of
0030R04 female he would wish to_ choose for his lifetime partner. ^Liberated
0040R04 to a degree, as he considered himself, Sumit*'s ideas naturally centred
0050R04 around liberation. ^*Having such scope in his home environment,
0060R04 which meant being the product of not too strict parents. ^*Sumit had
0070R04 ample opportunity to_ pursue his ideals. ^Being also the dashing Romeo
0080R04 at a co-ed college provided him with a wide canvas of liberated females
0090R04 to_ choose from. ^By the simple laws of elimination, that_ is
0100R04 by weighing the pros against the cons in respect of each candidate, Sumit
0110R04 had arrived at Lita Chakravarti as his ideal choice. ^However,
0120R04 there was a problem. ^For lita, being liberated to a degree, would
0130R04 seem to_ prefer not to_ be any male*'s choice. ^Which meant, that
0140R04 Lita did not appear in favour of becoming anyone*'s life-time partner,
0150R04 not that Sumit could afford to_ think on such lines at the present,
0160R04 pursuing a degree as he was and being unemployed as he was, too. ^Yet
0170R04 there was always the future to_ be provided for. ^And Sumit believed
0180R04 in that_ 'choose today for a partnership of tomorrow' theory. $^Needless
0190R04 to_ say Lita*'s attitude was no little surprising. ^Surprising,
0200R04 because Lita and he were so much alike. ^They shared almost
0210R04 identical views on life. ^Like, for instance, where politics were
0220R04 concerned, they firmly believed that no Indian could rule India.
0230R04 ^Where the relation of the sexes was concerned, they did not believe
0240R04 in arranged marriages. ^The idea of matching horoscopes was a lot
0250R04 of hooey, as far as they were concerned. $^IN matters of dress,
0260R04 too, they shared an appreciation for unisex garments; though they
0270R04 did not wear them. ^And in the more refined regions of gastronomy,
0280R04 besides sharing a typical Bengali preference for fried *4hilsa and
0290R04 '*4khichori' on a rainy day, they had a mutual, rather un-Bengali,
0300R04 passion for Scottish shortbread, Stilton cheese and Italian macaroni.
0310R04 ^Of course, these last-mentioned, being rare items on the Indian
0320R04 scene they had sampled them perhaps just once in their lives, and remained
0330R04 content, to_ talk about their palate-tickling values thereafter.
0340R04 $^The trouble with Lita was that she couldn*'4t make up her mind, Sumit
0350R04 felt. ^If she said 'Yes' to having coffee with him today, she said
0360R04 'No' tomorrow. ^*Sumit refused to_ interpret such behaviour
0370R04 as 'so far and no further'. ^Indecision was the word he preferred to_
0380R04 term it. $^However, term it what one may, Lita*'s behaviour was
0390R04 the stumbling block which prevented him from getting truly close to her.
0400R04 ^Not only close in the figurative sense, but in the literal, as
0410R04 well. ^*Sumit well remembered the evening he had attempted the last
0420R04 mentioned. $^They had been seated on the Strand, in the gathering
0430R04 dusk, watching life on the Hooghly slowly drift past. ^When of
0440R04 a sudden he had pointed to a launch, cruising along with the tide.
0450R04 $"^Now that_*'1s what I call harmony!" he had said. "^Launch and tide
0460R04 moving in the same direction." $^SHE hadn*'4t answered, which
0470R04 of course made him feel that their thoughts were in harmony. ^As such
0480R04 he had reached out and clasped her hand, hoping to_ give harmony a
0490R04 further dimension. $^However harmony had been shattered the next instant.
0500R04 ^For she had quickly withdrawn her fingers, with the comment:
0510R04 $"Sumit, I'*'3m surprised at you! ^Are you afraid of the dark?"...
0520R04 $^*Sumit felt at times that Lita was a man hater. ^If
0530R04 so, why did she say 'Yes' to coffee at times then? he would ask himself.
0540R04 $^Those coffee sessions were the things that_ were responsible
0550R04 for his feelings, he knew. ^Seated facing each other, their cups
0560R04 of steaming beverage between them, he would listen with respect to all
0570R04 she had to_ say. ^At the same time he would keep admiring those eyes,
0580R04 which he had long since decided were dark, intense and ensnaring.
0590R04 $^On occasions he would turn his attention to those lips, as they moved
0600R04 in speech. ^No doubt he hated himself for his weakness.
0610R04 ^He called himself a hundred kinds of fool for being lured by physical charm.
0620R04 $^BUT there was no getting away from Lita, Sumit decided,
0630R04 as he dressed for college that_ morning. ^Still, he must try.
0640R04 ^And he began to_ console himself with allegorical phrases like: 'Many
0650R04 a crow to_ be found flying in the sky!'. '^Many a leaf to_ be
0660R04 found on a tree!'. $^Later, when he got to college, Sumit found
0670R04 he was already late for the English literature lecture. ^As he slipped
0680R04 into a vacant set beside Lita, he noticed that the sea-green *4sari
0690R04 she was wearing did things to_ stir his insides. ^He could hardly resist
0700R04 the temptation to_ ask her out for coffee that_ evening. ^This,
0710R04 in spite of his allegorical exhortations to the contrary. $"^Sorry,
0720R04 can*'4t today!" ^*Lita apologised. $"^Busy!" $"^Busy?
0730R04 doing what?" he whispered, as the professor delved deep into the essays
0740R04 of Charles Lamb. $"^Tell you later," she whispered back,
0750R04 furiously scribbling in her notebook. $^During the morning break she
0760R04 told him. $"^Well, I*3've joined a group-- a sort of civic sense
0770R04 social service group. ^We are a band of girls who go round giving talks
0780R04 on the necessity for keeping Calcutta clean." $"^You mean, throw
0790R04 no garbage. ^No banana peels, or green coconut shells!" he said.
0800R04 $^She nodded. "^That_, and more! ^We intend to_ teach the
0810R04 Indian male to_ respect his city. ^For example, he must learn that
0820R04 every street corner is not a loo." $"^Why only the male?" he asked,
0830R04 slightly ruffled. $"^Have you ever seen a woman act that_ way?"
0840R04 $^Well he hand*'4t so he could not argue. ^Still, it was ridiculous
0850R04 for Lita to_ waste her time on such fruitless occupation,
0860R04 when there were better things, like dating him, to_ engage her, Sumit
0870R04 felt. $^THOUGH it was obvious Lita did not share this view, he
0880R04 realised. ^For on the next three occasions the answer to coffee was
0890R04 'No' 'No,' in favour of some duty to_ be performed, concerning the
0900R04 necessity for inculcating a sense of the civic in the avarage Calcuttan.
0910R04 $"^Look!" he said finally, quite hot under the collar. "^If
0920R04 this is a brush off, I can take it." $^But her response was simply
0930R04 to_ turn those deceptively-dark, innocent eyes on him in mute-- 'appeal'.
0940R04 ^That_ was the only interpretation he could give it. $"^*I*'3m
0950R04 sorry!" he added quickly, because of that_ 'appeal'. $"^But let
0960R04 me know when you are free." $"^Well, after tomorrow I*'3ll be free.
0970R04 ^Tomorrow is to_ be our last in our current lecture programme,"
0980R04 she explained. "^And for tomorrow we have chosen a particularly
0990R04 nauseating spot near Sealdah Station to_ deliver our talks." ^And
1000R04 then: "^But why don*'4t you come tomorrow evening? ^See how we go
1010R04 about things!" $^Some invitation! thought Sumit in disgust.
1020R04 ^Still, something was better. ^At least, it would provide him with
1030R04 an opportunity to_ be near her. ^In the circumstances, that_ was as
1040R04 close as he could expect to_ get, he realised. $^WHEN he got there
1050R04 the following evening, Sumit did so more by instinct. ^Which
1060R04 meant, that olfactory organ was mostly responsible for locating the place.
1070R04 ^*Lita and her band of civic-minded angels had chosen a bus stop
1080R04 close to an overflowing dustbin. ^*Sumit found them holding forth
1090R04 to a crocodile of rather apathetic male bus waiters. ^And if facial
1100R04 expressions could be used as a yardstick, Sumit concluded that the
1110R04 consensus of opinion was, that the civic-minded angels needed to_ have
1120R04 their heads examined. $^However, apathy soon gave way to restlessness.
1130R04 ^Nothing to do with the speeches, everything to_ do with the
1140R04 non-arrival of the buses. ^The bus waiters soon began to_ grumble.
1150R04 ^Next tempers began to_ fray. ^Finally, the arrival of a bus,
1160R04 already crammed to overflowing, brought tempers up to boiling point.
1170R04 $^As the crocodile of humanity attempted to_ board the bus, there
1180R04 was violent protest from the sardine-packed humanity in it. ^Hot
1190R04 verbal exchanges were followed by a scuffle or two. ^Which finally
1200R04 ended in a free for all. ^As fists began to_ fly, accompanied by
1210R04 missiles selected from the dump. ^*Lita and her gang found themselves
1220R04 in trouble. $^Before they could even contemplate flight, the
1230R04 angels of cleanliness were rudely jostled and pushed. ^Shredded saris,
1240R04 lost footwear and dishevelled coifures became the order of the day.
1241R04 $^*Sumit was obliged to_ play Sir Galahad
1250R04 by the time he was able to_ battle his way to his damsel in distress,
1260R04 the damage had already been done. ^A torn sari, a lost slipper,
1270R04 an uncoiled bun, and a considerably shaken miss awaited him on the
1280R04 garbage dump. ^She was seated there, quite unregally, on a throne
1290R04 of discarded green coconut shells. $^As he helped her to feet, he
1300R04 said: $"Thank goodness, I came! ^Otherwise I dread to_ think
1310R04 of what might have happened to you." $^For answer she began to_ sob.
1320R04 $^Which was surprising. ^Because Sumit had by this **[sic**]
1330R04 reached to the conclusion that she was devoid of feeling.
1331R04 ^Still this reaction would appear to_
1340R04 point to a female of the species with a ticker made of flesh and blood,
1350R04 not granite, as he had begun to_ think. $"^*Lita, don*'4t worry!"
1360R04 he comforted, as she continued to_ sob. "^*I*3m here. ^*I*'3ll
1370R04 take care of you." $"^Oh, Sumit! ^Please do. ^Please do."
1380R04 she mumbled, and to his surprise she snuggled close, as his
1390R04 arms went round her. $^It was hardly
1400R04 a romantic figure that_ Sumit led away from the scene of battle.
1410R04 $^Minus a slipper, she was certainly not a barefoot Contessa.
1420R04 ^The uncoiled bun, torn sari, and a slightly clinging, distinctive pong
1430R04 could hardly qualify her as a Venus risen from the waves. $^Still,
1440R04 she was his, Sumit decided. ^The other half of that_ partnership
1450R04 of the future. ^And because he was liberated, and a typical
1460R04 male, he couldn*'4t help but conclude: $'Females! ^All alike!
1470R04 ^Liberated or not, they can*'4t do without us males.' $*3^It
1480R04 was one of those days when every thing seemed to_ go wrong. ^To_
1490R04 begin with, the cook burnt the lunch. ^Then Suresh, my small
1500R04 brother, smashed a vase; and Father spilled coffee on the sitting-room
1510R04 carpet. ^Next Aunt Deepali*'s letter came, announcing her
1520R04 arrival for a fortnight*'s stay. ^And to_ cap it all, the urchins
1530R04 appeared once more on the front lawn-- to_ fly their kites, oblivious
1540R04 to all requests or entreaties to_ withdraw. $^The urchins, or
1550R04 the hoodlums as they were known were the acknowledged terrors of the neighbourhood.
1560R04 ^Terrors, not in the accepted sense, though it was terrorism
1570R04 of a sort. ^Numbering an uneven three-- approximate age ten,
1580R04 approximate height three foot plus-- it had been proved that the
1590R04 trio was more than a match for any, be it child or adult. ^And it was
1600R04 not so much what they did that_ bothered, more how they went about
1610R04 it. $^Their line of strategy was quite simple. ^If the three
1620R04 decided on a certain location for their play they used it. ^No permission
1630R04 sought. ^The word trespass did not figure in their thinking.
1640R04 ^And no pleas or threats of physical violence could get them to_
1650R04 withdraw. ^Even bodily removal was of no use, for they would be back,
1660R04 within moments of being ejected. ^While what was most disconcerting
1670R04 was, that silence was ever the response to any form of vocal communication
1680R04 addressed to them. $^With such background, understandably,
1690R04 the family was anxious. ^*Mother more so. ^The lawn was her
1700R04 pride, its velvety greenness her special joy. ^To_ trample on
1710R04 the grass was in the nature of a desectation. ^And this, aided by
1720R04 those domestic calamities not to_ forget Aunt Deepali*'s expected
1730R04 visit, were all responsible for transporting maternal anxiety to its
1740R04 peak point. $^AUNT Deepali is Mother*'s eldest, and spinster,
1750R04 sister-- the first in line of my maternal grandparents*' nine
1760R04 offspring. ^With mother registering eight on the list, there is a wide
1770R04 disparity in age between Aunt Deepali and herself-- something
1780R04 like almost two decades. $^The disparity is even more pronounced in
1790R04 other aspects. ^*Mother*'s usually gentle nature is the antithesis
1800R04 of Aunt*'s.*#
        **[no. of words = 02008**]

        **[txt. r05**]
0010R05 **<*3The *4Yoga and the Bus**>
0020R05 $*3^*I have a sixth sense that_ enables me to_ smell impending trouble.
0030R05 ^It has never let me down, but once, misled by this canine power,
0040R05 "like the base Indian" I almost "threw the pearl away". ^It
0050R05 happened when Gyaniji, our all-knowing neighbour, barged into my drawing-room,
0060R05 planted himself on the sofa with his irritating informality and
0070R05 began a long discourse on *4yoga. $^My wife was all ears to Gyaniji
0080R05 and, seeing this, my super sense began to_ ring warning bells.
0090R05 ^Punctuating his speech with the crunching sound of *4pakoras, Gyaniji
0100R05 said that *4yoga was a universal panacea, that it could counteract the
0110R05 adverse effects of low blood-pressure and high economic pressure, that
0120R05 it was equally efficacious in boosting sagging morale and a sagging bustline.
0130R05 $^*I shifted uncomfortably in my seat because, of late, there
0140R05 had been so much *4yoga talk in our town that it had assumed the nature
0150R05 of an ecological crisis. ^Now that it had come to our drawing-room and
0160R05 found a true devotee in my wife, I feared that even our little nest
0170R05 would turn into a *4yoga clinic. ^And it did. ^*Gyaniji went away
0180R05 but *4yoga stayed on. $*4^Yoga entered our bedroom where my wife cleared
0190R05 some space for her regular *4yogic practices. ^Her new routine
0200R05 was so full of *4yoga that it had little room for a husband. ^*I
0210R05 became an outsider in my own house. ^There was *4yoga in the morning
0220R05 and *4yoga in the evening. ^The noon was given to *4yoga talk when
0230R05 scores of her friends would troop in, drink gallons of tea and talk *4yoga.
0240R05 $^One of the most regular visitors was \0Miss Bimbo who was determined
0250R05 to_ demolish her extra flesh with *4yogic practices. ^One day a
0260R05 trial session was in progress in my drawing-room when, unable to_ support
0270R05 her enormous bulk on her head, \0Miss Bimbo crashed like an uprooted
0280R05 *4peepul tree upon the radiogram, terminating its musical career for ever.
0290R05 ^Seeing what *4yoga had done to the fruit of a long instalment-purchase
0300R05 scheme, I muttered something anti-*4yoga and that_ started a mini
0310R05 *4mahabharat between my wife and myself. $^Every morning I woke up
0320R05 to_ find her sitting like a stone Buddha or trying to_ stand on one leg
0330R05 like Nataraja in great pain. ^Often I saw her writhing and
0340R05 twisting on the floor. ^Sensing something wrong, I would spring
0350R05 to her aid and she, in turn, would accuse me of disturbing her *4asana
0360R05 or *4dhyana. $^Once I was woken up by strained hissing sounds.
0370R05 ^Fearing that my dear wife had developed breathing trouble, I made anxious
0380R05 husbandly enquiries, but gathering all the acid on her razor-sharp
0390R05 tongue she paid me back with: "Don*'4t behave like an old fool!
0400R05 ^I am doing breathing exercises." $^Early or late, one must submit to
0410R05 fate. ^With everyone aspiring to_ be immortal or cent per cent happy,
0420R05 I alone was content with all the ills the mortal is heir to (including
0430R05 the menace of *4yoga). $*3^It was at the bus-stop (where I
0440R05 have spent about one-tenth of my life in waiting) that I discovered the
0450R05 tragic flaw in my attitude towards *4yoga. ^One morning, after I had waited
0460R05 for an hour in the blazing sun with not even the mirage of a bus in
0470R05 sight, almost mechanically I fell into a couple of *4yogic stances.
0480R05 ^Exhausted, I threw the entire weight of my body on one leg and then
0490R05 on the other and felt somewhat relaxed. ^From looking in one direction
0500R05 for the bus the muscles of my neck and eyes were strained.
0510R05 ^So I looked in the opposite direction for ten minutes and got more
0520R05 relaxed. ^Encouraged by the results, I raised both my arms (holding
0530R05 my briefcase in the one and the tiffin-carrier in the other) like a policeman
0540R05 directing traffic. ^But, before I could select another posture
0550R05 from the long repertoire of my wife*'s *4yogic *4asanas, I was thrown
0560R05 off balance by the jostling crowd. $^Collecting my belognings and
0570R05 wits, I came back to temporal time and got panicky. ^It was well
0580R05 past the office time. ^*I had the uncomfortable vision of our Section
0590R05 Head (whose only virtue is punctuality) reporting me late or my boss
0600R05 (whose punctuality always coincides with my unpunctuality) growling
0610R05 at my empty chair. ^My discovery of *4yogic powers had certainly put me
0620R05 on the highway to eternal happiness but it could do nothing about my
0630R05 immediate worries and anxieties. ^No amount of *4yoga could transport
0640R05 me physically to my office or create a bus. $^The sun scorched the
0650R05 bald patch on my head and fears and anxieties crawled beneath that_
0660R05 patch. ^Then I remembered the penultimate *4yogic formula of Gyaniji:
0670R05 *3Retreat. ^When the unavoidable strains become unbearable
0680R05 simply retreat into *4dhyana. ^Holding my briefcase tightly,
0690R05 I retreated into nothingness. ^Soon the world vanished and I was
0700R05 floating in complete vacuum (*7sans bus, *7sans boss, *7sans everything).
0710R05 $*3^When I woke up from the *4yogic trance, I had
0720R05 missed one bus and the second one had begun to_ crawl away. ^*I sprang
0730R05 aboard the moving vehicle and found myself wedged between unyielding slabs
0740R05 of human flesh. ^It was as if the entire crowd was bearing down
0750R05 on me. $^*I made a quick *4yogic experiment and saved myself from
0760R05 the black consequences of a black-hole tragedy. ^*I inhaled and exhaled
0770R05 so as to_ harden my chest into an impregnable rock and then the advancing
0780R05 wall of pressure advanced no more. ^Thus by inhaling and exhaling
0790R05 I created enough space for my survival between the two stops.
0800R05 $^From this experience I deduced certain facts of great scientific interest.
0810R05 ^If all the passengers on board a crowded bus deflate their lungs
0820R05 in unison even for a minute, some more waiting passengers could be
0830R05 sucked in. $*4^Yoga is relevant to a bus passenger in many other
0840R05 respects as well. ^For instance, the crowded buses of *4Aryavarta
0850R05 make impossible demands on the God-made human frame. ^Trapped
0860R05 between irregular masses of flesh, nearly crucified by a lady*'s umbrella
0870R05 and a gentleman*'s walking-stick, I*3've often cried out: "Oh
0880R05 if these too, too solid bones could bend..." $^Precisely. ^If
0890R05 the bones were made of plastic or rubber, they would be easier to_ bend,
0900R05 fold, double up or squeeze. ^And, judging from my wife*'s impossible
0910R05 acrobatics and postures, I can say that *4yoga gives plasticity
0920R05 to the human frame. ^In other words, if all the passengers take regular
0930R05 *4yogic exercises, they can come out unharmed even from the most
0940R05 crowded buses of *4Aryavarta. $^Finally, one can escape
0950R05 inescapable mental and physical pain by taking the ultimate *4yogic step--
0960R05 *4samadhi. ^Hanging on to the strap, with my toes barely touching
0970R05 the floor, when I can no longer bear the elbow thrusts at half a dozen
0980R05 places, I simply sneak out of my body. ^My body travels to my
0990R05 destination suspended between the earth*'s gravity and the pull of the
1000R05 planets, supported by friendly shoulders, elbows, sticks and umbrellas.
1010R05 $^On reaching my destination that_ morning, I took charge
1020R05 of my body and patted and smoothed out my ruffled garment the way a child
1030R05 fondles her battered plastic doll. ^*I sent telepathic apologies
1040R05 to Gyaniji and my much better half and even thought of contesting one
1050R05 of the municipal seats on a *4yoga ticket. ^*I resolved to_ take the
1060R05 opposite stand on all popular issues. $^Why must we ever try to_
1070R05 change a situation when with the help of *4yoga we can so change ourselves
1080R05 as to_ endure any situation? ^For instance, even if filth cannot
1090R05 be removed, why can*'4t we learn to_ live in filth? $^Recently
1100R05 *3CROB*0 (Committee for Reducing Overcrowding in Buses) celebrated
1110R05 its silver jubilee. ^But the overcrowding continues. ^*I propose
1120R05 to_ change the strategy so that people armed with *4yogic powers will
1130R05 travel through life in peace and happiness in spite of delays, discomfort
1140R05 and suffocation. $**<*3Mother of Ganesh*0**>
1160R05 $^*3I AM*0 a veterinary surgeon. ^You might wonder as to how
1170R05 I can earn my living as a veterinary surgeon when the majority of the
1180R05 sick population in the country is deprived of minimum medical amenities
1190R05 even in times of crises. ^*I should, at the very onset, make it
1200R05 clear to them that I am employed by the animal husbandry department
1210R05 of the government and my responsibility includes proper care of the commissioner*'s
1220R05 horses, the district magistrate*'s dogs, the police superintentendent*'s
1230R05 cows and the like. ^*I am also required to_ certify
1240R05 the fitness of horses for hackney carriages. ^Unfortunately, I
1250R05 do not enjoy the benefit of private practice like my friends who treat
1260R05 human beings. ^That_, you will admit, is not possible in this
1270R05 land of ours, where two square meals a day are considered luxury.
1280R05 ^Yet, fortune favours me occasionally with unxpected private calls.
1290R05 ^Such an invitation came to me recently. $^The other day I received
1300R05 a telegram: "^My elephant is indisposed. ^Please come sharp."
1310R05 ^This, to_ say the least made me happy and I was sure of a fat
1320R05 fee. ^The place, quite far from my place of work, demanded a journey
1330R05 of seven or eight hours by a passenger train. ^*I was lost in
1340R05 speculation: "^*I am to_ cover this distance to_ treat an elephant... a
1350R05 fee of \0Rs.200 is the minimum I expect... ^The festive season is ahead.
1360R05 ^This is an act of the merciful god!" ^With a feeling of elation
1370R05 I left for my destination by the first available train. $^In
1380R05 the early evening, I alighted from the train at the station, an insignificant
1390R05 one, in a small village in the remotest rural area. ^Hardly
1400R05 any other passenger disembarked. ^*I was the only person to_ come
1410R05 out of a first class compartment. (^*I travelled first class expressly
1420R05 to_ emphasise my special status. ^*I was greeted by a middle-aged
1430R05 man. ^He asked politely, "Are you the veterinary surgeon
1440R05 from the district hospital?" $"^That_*'1s right," I replied.
1450R05 $^He took my bag and asked me to_ follow him. ^This man, dressed
1460R05 in a dirty *4dhoti and an equally shabby *4kurta and torn canvas shoes,
1470R05 looked like a servant of the landlord*'s family, the owner of the
1480R05 elephant addressed him as such in my conversation with him. ^Outside
1490R05 the station, I was expecting a car to_ drive me to my destination
1500R05 but no automobile was visible. ^The man hired a hackney carriage
1510R05 for me while he rode a bicycle. $^It took hardly an hour for the carriage
1520R05 to_ reach its destination and come to a halt in front of the house.
1530R05 ^Peeping through the window I had a look at the place.
1540R05 ^It was the residence normally occupied by a middle class family and not
1550R05 a big building as I had anticipated. ^It was surprising that the
1560R05 owner of this house could afford to_ maintain an elephant. ^*I was
1570R05 about to_ put this embarrassing question to the coachman when the man
1580R05 who had come to the station to_ receive me appeared on the scene with
1590R05 a lantern in his hand. ^The glass covering the flame was partly black
1600R05 with a deposit of soot. ^Welcoming me warmly, he said, "Please
1610R05 come in doctor *4sahib... please step in." $^*I was escorted to
1620R05 the sitting room where I sat down on a rickety chair. ^It was a
1630R05 typical village room with a cot, a table, another equally dilapidated chair
1640R05 and a couple of calendars carrying pictures of deities, torn and disfigured.
1650R05 ^Placing my bag in one corner, the man said with a smile,
1660R05 "^Please rest a while. ^You are tired after the long journey.
1670R05 ^Let me see if tea is ready." $"^Where is my patient?" ^*I
1680R05 inquired. $"^He*'1s here... my elephant..." $^The gentleman
1690R05 hastened inside. ^*I mused. ^Was the man cutting jokes?
1700R05 ^To_ maintain an elephant is not an easy job and beyond the most optimistic
1710R05 expectations of a person like him. ^What was the matter? ^He
1720R05 reappeared soon with a cup of tea and the handle of the cup was missing.
1730R05 $"^Please have your tea. ^Then you can examine the patient.
1740R05 $"^What*'1s wrong with him?" $"^Nothing serious I believe.
1750R05 ^He has just stopped eating..."*#
        **[no. of words = 02001**]

        **[txt. r06**]
0020R06 **<*3Raman the Jester*0**>
0030R06 $"^*Raman, I now believe you. ^Though you are innocent, the law
0040R06 of the land has to_ be obeyed. ^Both of you have to_ be punished.
0050R06 ^You have both got to_ lose your heads-- Kannan for trying to_
0060R06 steal the crown jewel and you for carelessly bringing him into the court."
0070R06 ^The king felt sorry for Raman, for he loved and respected him.
0080R06 $^*Raman was shocked by the king*'s announcement. ^He became
0090R06 sad and thoughtful. ^Then he said, "My lord, I know the law has
0100R06 to_ be observed. ^But can you grant me a last wish before I leave
0110R06 this world?" $"^Certainly, Raman, anything you ask."
0120R06 $"^Will you allow me to_ choose the way I must die, my lord?"
0130R06 $"^Tell me and it shall be done," said the king with tears in his eyes.
0140R06 $"^Then, my lord, I wish to_ die of very old age!"
0150R06 $^The king and everyone assembled were surprised by Raman*'s request.
0160R06 ^Then the king realised what the request meant and started laughing,
0170R06 greatly relieved that Raman was going to_ live. "^*Raman,"
0180R06 he exclaimed with joy, "it shall be so. ^Here is a bag of gold for
0190R06 cleverly saving your life and making me happy." $^*Kannan stood blinking
0200R06 when the king addressed him, "^Since this is indeed a joyous moment
0210R06 for me, I will show mercy on you and spare your head now. ^But
0220R06 your face must be seen nowhere again in my kingdom. ^So run from
0230R06 here at once before I change my mind." ^Grateful that his head still
0240R06 belonged to him, Kannan fled from the room without losing a moment.
0241R06 $*<*3RAMAN AND THE HUNTERS*0*>
0250R06 $*3^ONE DAY*0 the king and his men returned to the palace after
0260R06 a good day*'s hunt in the forest. ^The king enjoyed nothing better than
0270R06 the thrill of going into the jungle and chasing wild animals. ^He
0280R06 always invited a few close friends in his court to_ join him.
0290R06 ^He had special chariots built for this sport. ^He usually spent
0300R06 the whole day in the forest and returned to the palace late in the evening.
0310R06 ^By then he would be very hungry and tired. ^So, after taking
0320R06 a hearty meal, he would retire to bed early. $^On this day, before
0330R06 parting with his friends he said "You must all be tired. ^Go
0340R06 home and have a good night*'s sleep. ^Be fresh when you come to the
0350R06 court tomorrow, for I want to_ hear the stories of today*'s hunt from
0360R06 every one of you." ^All of them, including Raman, bowed and
0370R06 left. $^The next morning the court assembled at the appointed time.
0380R06 ^The courtiers were eagerly waiting for the king. ^Each of them
0390R06 had an adventurous incident to_ tell and they wanted the whole court
0400R06 to_ know how brave and courageous they were. ^The king entered the
0410R06 hall and took his seat. ^The courtiers wondered who the king would
0420R06 call first to_ tell the story. "^*Nanda," the king called out.
0430R06 "^Come here and tell us your story." ^*Nanda proudly went forward
0440R06 and stood in the middle of the court and bowed to the king.
0450R06 $"^My lord, what I am going to_ tell you is about a very strange happening,"
0460R06 he began, "and only I could have faced it. ^It requires a
0470R06 lot of courage. ^Luckily, I have plenty of it." $^It pleased
0480R06 the king immensely to_ hear he had such a brave man in his court.
0490R06 ^He smiled and said, "Go on with your story for I am eager to_ hear
0500R06 it." $"^My lord," continued Nanda, "I was roaming in the forest
0510R06 hoping to_ catch some animal. ^*I was alone. ^*I was hungry.
0520R06 ^There was nothing to_ eat. ^Not even wild berries.
0530R06 ^*I was feeling weak and tired and finding it extremely difficult to_
0540R06 walk. ^The sun was hot and I was feeling thirsty. ^But there
0550R06 was no water to_ be found anywhere nearby. ^As I was wondering what
0560R06 to_ do suddenly I heard a terrific roar behind me. ^*I turned and
0570R06 saw one of the largest lions in the jungle waiting to_ pounce on me!
0580R06 ^*I was terrified! ^But I gathered courage and picked up a huge
0590R06 stone. ^Then, without waiting a moment more, I thrust it into the
0600R06 open mouth of the lion. ^The lion was bewildered and ran for its
0610R06 life with the huge stone between its teeth. ^And, as you see, I
0620R06 came back alive to_ tell you my story, my lord." $"^Well done,
0630R06 Nanda," applauded the king, patting him on his back. "^It is not
0640R06 at all an easy thing to_ put a stone in a lion*'s mouth. ^Only a
0650R06 very brave man like you could have done it." $^The others in the
0660R06 court looked at Nanda in great admiration. $^The king asked the
0670R06 next person, "Ranga, now tell us about what you had been doing yesterday.
0680R06 ^*I am sure it will be as interesting as what we heard just
0690R06 now." $"^Your highness," began Ranga humbly, "you may not believe
0700R06 what I am going to_ tell you now. ^But I swear, every word
0710R06 is true. ^Even now I cannot imagine I did it. ^Only my cleverness
0720R06 helped me and I am glad I have the chance now to_ tell you how."
0730R06 $"^Yes, yes, let me hear first your story. ^Get on with
0740R06 it." said the king impatiently. $"^O king, I had strayed away
0750R06 from all of you. ^The forest was vast and I did not know where
0760R06 to_ find you. ^*I became frightened because it was becoming dark.
0770R06 ^*I shouted your names but no one heard me. ^*I leaned against
0780R06 a tree to_ rest my tired body. ^Then I heard a sharp hissing sound.
0790R06 ^*I looked around and to my horror I found two enormous pythons
0800R06 crawling towards me. ^Each one was as large and long as a coconut
0810R06 tree. ^You can imagine how fierce they must have looked! ^They
0820R06 would have swallowed me in one gulp if I had moved. ^But I could
0830R06 not wait there for ever. ^The sun had set and it was becoming dark.
0840R06 ^*I had to_ act quickly. ^So, without giving it a second
0850R06 thought, I caught hold of the tails of the pythons and knotted them
0860R06 together tightly, so that they were unable to_ move in any direction.
0870R06 ^Then I could safely walk away from them. ^*I shudder even now
0880R06 to_ think what my fate would have been." $"^Marvellous!" cried
0890R06 the king greatly excited. "^*I had never heard of anybody knotting
0900R06 together two deadly snakes before." ^*Ranga appeared very satisfied
0910R06 with himself and sat down. $^The third courtier called Soma was
0920R06 asked to_ tell his story. ^He stood up proudly and said, "My lord,
0930R06 there is a big lake in the middle of the jungle. ^*I do not know
0940R06 whether you have seen it. ^*I happened to_ find my way there yesterday.
0950R06 ^It appeared so cool and inviting. ^Since it was a hot day
0960R06 I felt like having a good swim. ^*I jumped into it and swam to the
0970R06 other bank. ^Just as I was swimming back I felt some thing pulling
0980R06 at my leg. ^What do you think it was? ^A large, ugly crocodile!"
0990R06 $^The king and the court gasped. "^What happened,
1000R06 what happened then?" everyone asked anxiously. $"^*I just thrust
1010R06 these two fingers into the creature*'s nostrils, jumped on its back,
1020R06 and made it carry me to the shore." $"^You did that_? ^You had
1030R06 the wits and courage to_ plug the crocodile*'s nose?" all of them enquired,
1040R06 in great amazement. $"^Of course, I did it!" ^*Soma
1050R06 replied with a great deal of pride. "^These things do not frighten
1060R06 me at all. ^*I have done bigger things in my life." ^And
1070R06 he thumped his chest to_ show off his strength. $"^You are a remarkable
1080R06 person. ^Fancy being so calm and collected when a crocodile
1090R06 had caught hold of you! ^Any one else would have died of fright!"
1100R06 said the king, complimenting Soma. $^On being called by the
1110R06 king, Subba came and stood before the court at attention. ^He
1120R06 began his adventure. "^My lord, I was taking a quiet nap in the afternoon
1130R06 under the cool shade of a tree. ^After a while I was suddenly
1140R06 awakened by a strange noise. ^*I was too scared even to_ open
1150R06 my eyes. ^But when I slowly did, I was horrified to_ find an
1160R06 enormous wild boar with its white fangs and red eyes staring at me.
1170R06 ^What could I do? ^Fortunately, the animal suddenly turned its
1180R06 head to_ look at a squirrel which jumped from a bush. ^At that_ moment
1190R06 I took to my heels and ran for my life. ^The boar chased me
1200R06 wherever I ran without giving me time even to_ think of a way to_ escape
1210R06 from it. ^To_ add to my misery I realised I was nearing the
1220R06 edge of a cliff. ^*I had no way to_ go but to_ jump down into the
1230R06 deep valley below. ^*I would surely have died. ^But as I
1240R06 jumped I saw an eagle flying past me close by. ^*I stretched my hands
1250R06 as far as I could and caught hold of its legs. ^Then the bird
1260R06 lifted me high into the sky and flew away, thus saving me from the wild
1270R06 boar. ^*I felt like a bird. ^After flying for a long time
1280R06 I saw a sand dune below and let go my hold. ^*I fell on the soft
1290R06 sand without hurting myself. ^Then I rushed home, had a good meal
1300R06 and went to_ sleep. ^That_ is all, my lord." $^These stories
1310R06 made the king very happy and he said, "It gladdens my heart to_
1320R06 have such brave men in my court-- men who could face danger like soldiers
1330R06 in a battlefield! ^*I am proud of you all!" ^Then he suddenly
1340R06 asked, "^*Raman, where are you? ^You seem to_ be very quiet
1350R06 today. ^Surely you too have something to_ tell us. ^Come on,
1360R06 out with it." $^*Raman stood up and said quietly, "^My lord,
1370R06 what can I tell you after hearing the tales of such brave and daring men
1380R06 as these? ^*I am after all a meek and humble man." $"^No,
1390R06 no, Raman," said the king, "you are as courageous as any of these men.
1400R06 ^*I know it. ^So please let us hear your story." $"^Since
1410R06 you are so keen to_ listen to me, my lord, I will tell you what
1420R06 happened. ^It is hardly worth talking about. ^*I was just chased
1430R06 by a rogue elephant." ^*Raman looked around and saw that everyone
1440R06 was anxious to_ hear the rest of the adventure. $"^*I caught it
1450R06 by its tail," he went on, "and flung it into the sky. ^*I am sure
1460R06 it*'1s still going up and up." $^The court applauded Raman with
1470R06 shouts of joy. ^Only the king seemed thoughtful. "^*Raman!"
1480R06 he said rather angrily, "I do not believe a word of what you say.
1490R06 ^You are lying. ^No one can catch an elephant-- and that_ too
1500R06 a mad one-- by its tail and fling it into the sky." $"^But, my
1510R06 lord, have mercy on me. ^You believed that a stone could be thrust
1520R06 into a fierce lion*'s mouth by Nanda. ^You never doubted the truth
1530R06 of Ranga*'s story that he knotted together two gigantic pythons.
1540R06 ^You accepted without question what Soma told you about riding on
1550R06 the back of a crocodile and plugging its nose. ^In the same way you
1560R06 believed Subba*'s story about his flight, clinging to an eagle when
1570R06 he was chased by a wild boar. ^What offence have I caused you,
1580R06 my lord, that you should suspect only my adventure with the wild elephant?
1590R06 ^Does it sound any more fantastic than the other stories you have
1600R06 just heard, my lord?" $^Everyone was startled to_ hear what Raman
1610R06 said. ^No one spoke a word. ^Then the king broke the silence
1620R06 saying, "Friends, I now realise that you have not been telling me
1630R06 true stories. ^*Raman is right; they were all made up and I
1640R06 was a fool to_ have believed them. ^*I am going to_ reward Raman
1650R06 for showing me what is true and what is false."*#
        **[no. of worrds = 02009**]

        **[txt. r07**]
0010R07 **<*3The Gentle Art of Articulation*0**>
0020R07 $*3^THEY*0 stood in the middle of a busy flyover, impervious to the
0030R07 screaming horns and swearing drivers. "^She told me," insisted
0040R07 one to the other, "that you told her what I told you not to_ tell
0050R07 her." $"^But," replied the first, "I told her not to
0060R07 _ tell you that I told her." $"^Well, anyway, don*'4t tell her
0070R07 that I told you what she told me" continued the first.... and
0080R07 so on till everybody is telling somebody what nobody needs to_ know.
0090R07 $^As an incorrigible nation of natterers, we are fast
0100R07 acquiring that_ sort of noisy reputation once enjoyed by loquacious
0110R07 Gauls and Latins. "^A Frenchman must be always talking
0120R07 whether he knows anything or not," said \0Dr. Samuel Johnson,
0130R07 the eighteenth century observer, whereas "an Englishman is content
0140R07 to_ say nothing when he has nothing to_ say." \0^*Dr. Johnson--
0150R07 whose British sensibilities might otherwise have made
0160R07 this observation suspect-- was here reporting on a Gallic phenomenon
0170R07 as firmly ensconced as the Eiffel Tower. ^For some
0180R07 races (like the French, the Italians and the Spanish) have
0190R07 always been more verbal than others (like the Germans, the
0200R07 Japanese and the Chinese) and we are giving sound proof of having
0210R07 joined their ranks. $^We talk everywhere, on everything
0220R07 and our great national preoccupation with prattle resounds in the guttural
0230R07 tones of the Punjab, the muted sibilants of Bengal and the
0240R07 pronounced labials of Trivandrum and Nagapattinam. ^Nothing is more
0250R07 native than the impulse to_ give *4bhashan and no issue raises
0260R07 as many decibles as quickly and as surely as the language one.
0270R07 ^Not surprisingly, there is little that_ escapes the attention
0280R07 of the great gasbags-- including sensitive government information,
0290R07 often marked 'top secret'. ^So, when reports of the
0300R07 nuclear implosion in Rajasthan first appeared in the press, the unanimous
0310R07 reaction, after a glow of patriotic pride, was:
0320R07 "How did they manage to_ keep it a secret?" ^That an event of
0330R07 such magnitude had occurred without the faintest whisper of a rumour,
0340R07 was almost as awesome as our sudden nuclear capability.
0350R07 $^While everyone loves a natter now and then, there are some
0360R07 whose habit is a national nuisance. (^This is not to_ mention
0370R07 the more serious aspects of time as money, for the loss to our
0380R07 exchequer from workers talking on the job must be considerable
0390R07 in itself.) ^First amongst the habitual offenders is the compulsive
0400R07 phone fanatic. ^He hogs public booths for hours
0410R07 on end, oblivious to the lengthening queues outside. ^His
0420R07 office number is impossible to_ get and is residential lines are
0430R07 perpetually busy. ^Anyone trying to_ get through with an
0440R07 important message just has to_ keep trying. ^Meanwhile the conversation
0450R07 meanders from the next door neighbours brother-in-law*'s
0460R07 sexually liberated younger daughter to the comparative prices of
0470R07 cauliflower. ^A recent survey conducted by the Bombay Telephones
0480R07 revealed a staggering loss of thousands of *4rupees from
0490R07 telephone lines that_ remain interminably engaged. $^Yet
0500R07 nowhere is our tendency to_ twaddle quite as irritating as at public
0510R07 meetings-- when good manners force you to_ listen. ^A typical
0520R07 meeting begins with "a few words about our honoured guest"
0530R07 delivered by a shy, nervous individual, the introductory speaker.
0540R07 ^His few words turn out to_ be a lengthy paean of praise interspersed
0550R07 with bits and pieces from the celebrity*'s bio-data.
0560R07 ^When Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw was asked to_ preside over the
0570R07 convocation of Chandigarh*'s *(0D.A.V.*) College, he was
0580R07 faced with just such an embarrassing situation. ^Apart from
0590R07 being praised mercilessly in the superlative throughout, the speech
0600R07 was so full of the intimate details of his personal life that a
0601R07 blushing *4Bahadur finally remarked,
0610R07 "^You have forgotten to_ mention that I am married and that I
0620R07 have only one wife!" $^Few speakers, however, are gifted
0630R07 with that_ type of humour. ^Most have trouble just being
0640R07 coherent. ^It is usually a case of "I don*'4t have much
0650R07 to_ say... I only want to_ say.... how can I say... and
0660R07 in the end I*'1d like to_ say...." all the while saying things that_
0670R07 are better left unsaid. ^Bloomers like the one made
0680R07 by a prominent scientist who asked his audience to_ "stand until
0690R07 \0Ms. Gandhi passes away," or the one by the wife of a Bombay
0700R07 politician, who feared that "increasing pollution is killing our fish
0710R07 and other organisations in the sea," are not uncommon. ^It
0720R07 is the obscure, meandering thoughts of self-styled experts and
0730R07 dedicated social workers that_ tax even the most patient listener.
0740R07 ^Like the speech delivered at a recent public meeting on
0750R07 family planning: "^The reason I am here today," began the honorary speaker,
0760R07 **[sic**] "is that, ladies and gentlemen, there is much to_
0770R07 be said about family planning... er..... this means that we should
0780R07 not have our babies by accident but...... er.... by design.
0790R07 ^What I mean is that we must plan them and plan for them."
0800R07 ^At another gathering, a prominent social worker was busy expounding
0810R07 the need to_ grow more trees. "^Trees belong to all
0820R07 of us," she said, "they are neither yours nor mine. ^They
0830R07 are beautiful when they are in flowering. ^So why should we cut
0840R07 them down?" ^She was obviously barking up the wrong tree
0850R07 but no matter. $^No speaker, however, matched the ingenuity
0860R07 of the minister who inaugurated a seminar on construction technology
0870R07 in 1975, in Bombay. "^I don*'4t wish to_ bore you all by reading
0880R07 out my speech. ^*I have therefore taken the liberty of
0890R07 preparing copies of my speech which I will distribute amongst you.
0900R07 ^All I want to_ say is..." ^And he went on talking extempore
0910R07 for the next 45 minutes. "^We got a double dose this time,"
0920R07 grumbled the men," not only did we have to_ read the prepared speech,
0930R07 we also had to_ listen to an unprepared one." $^Yet
0940R07 perhaps the most pathetic figure of all is the gentleman who closes
0950R07 the evening with his "hearty vote of thanks". ^Adjectives
0960R07 fly as he praises the speaker*'s gift of the gab, the organiser*'s
0970R07 capacity to_ convene such a splendid gathering and ironically,
0980R07 the audience*'s 'patience' in listening so quietly.
0990R07 $^Somewhere at the beginning of this lengthy thanksgiving, the 'patient'
1000R07 audience gets up noisily to_ make for the buses, trams
1010R07 and trains that_ will take them home. $^Is there no way, short
1020R07 of physical gagging, by which we can curb the inveterate chatterer?
1030R07 ^*West Germany*'s postal minister in 1964, \0Mr.
1040R07 Strecklen, invented a novel device he termed the 'speech limiter'.
1050R07 ^Based on the old fashioned timer, it contained four sand filters
1060R07 placed within a wooden frame. ^Each ran for three
1070R07 minutes. ^The first one said 'introduce yourself' the second,
1080R07 'keep to the point', the third reminded the speaker to_ 'hurry
1090R07 up' while the fourth warned, 'time is up'. ^So successful
1100R07 was this device that he has presented several to his colleagues
1110R07 over the years. $^*India*'s statesmen leave much to_ be desired.
1120R07 ^Even seasoned ones come armed with lengthy, typed
1130R07 speeches and then go through the most extraordinary difficulties just
1140R07 reading them out. ^While no one needs to_ rival Krishna
1150R07 menon*'s famous Security Council performance, there would
1160R07 be nothing wrong in giving some of our ministers crash courses in
1170R07 the gentle art of articulation. ^Even Sir Winston Churchill,
1180R07 that_ glorious orator, addressed his historic speeches to
1190R07 the bathroom mirror before going public with them. $^How
1200R07 important speaking right is, can be guaged by watching newsreels and
1210R07 telecasts of international summits and meets. ^During the
1220R07 1971 war with Pakistan the then defence minister, Sardar
1230R07 Swaran Singh was interviewed on the \0B.B.C. along with his
1240R07 Pakistani counterpart. ^So tremendous was the difference
1250R07 in coherence and pronunciation that most viewers came away with
1260R07 a distinct feeling of sympathy towards the \0Pakis who, they were
1270R07 convinced, were being bashed by the Indians this time.
1280R07 $^There is, we must admit, much to_ commend Gandhiji*'s
1290R07 belief that silence is the better part of speech. ^His days
1300R07 of *4maun remained unchanged despite the cataclysmic events that_
1310R07 shook the country. "^We find so many people impatient to_ talk"
1320R07 he said. "there is no chairman of a meeting who is not beseiged
1330R07 with notes asking for permission to_ speak. ^And whenever
1340R07 permission is given, the speaker generally exceeds the time limit,
1350R07 asks for more time and keeps on talking without permission. ^All
1360R07 this talking can hardly be of any benefit to the world. it
1370R07 is so much waste of time. ^My (silence) has been in reality my
1380R07 shield and buckler." ^Few politicians today would respect that_
1390R07 sort of thinking. ^There is, after all, only one thing
1400R07 worse than being talked about-- and that*'1s not being talked about.
1410R07 $**<*HUSBANDS ARE SO OBVIOUS**> $*<*3Judge a man not by his, but
1420R07 by his wife*'s clothes*> $^A husband, they say, is what remains
1430R07 of a lover when the nerve has been killed. ^And how true it is!
1440R07 ^It is hardly necessary for a husband to_ wear a ring round his finger
1450R07 to_ proclaim the fact that he is married. ^The rope round his neck,
1460R07 though invisible, can be seen yards away by an experienced eye, and
1470R07 if the married man thinks he can masquerade as a bachelor, he is only
1480R07 fooling himself. ^Young ladies don*'4t need a sixth sense to_ know the
1490R07 presence of a married man. ^They can detect a wolf in sheep*'s clothing.
1500R07 ^In fact it is a very apt simile. ^The married wolf, always on
1510R07 the prowl, eyeing all females, suddenly becomes a sheep who goes about
1520R07 lying to all females that he is foot-loose and fancy-free.
1530R07 $^That_ is why, honey, I pen these few words of advice on how to_
1540R07 recognise husbands and understand their intentions. ^There are of
1550R07 course, among husbands the super-smart alecks who manage with their
1560R07 wiles and camouflage, to_ take innocent young girls up the garden path.
1570R07 ^Other husbands-- the large majority-- get the sympathy of females by
1580R07 using the time-old line: "^My wife does not understand me." ^If you
1590R07 meet the wife, honey, you*'3ll realise that she has in fact understood
1600R07 him and seen through his game. ^That_ married man is a past-master
1610R07 in hiding that_ all important piece of information-- the fact that he
1620R07 is married. ^A wife proudly wears her marriage ring, often the reason
1630R07 is to_ show off her pearls or diamonds, depending on how much he
1640R07 is skinned. ^The husband either stores his ring at home or sells it.
1650R07 ^The bachelors, however, sometime wear king-size rings indicating
1660R07 that they are on the look-out for a queen. $^You girls are fools.
1670R07 ^Any young thing having enough sense and knowledge to_ boil an egg
1680R07 can recognise a married man a mile off. $^Watch a married man*'s
1690R07 clothes. ^They are a dead give-away, they give you an idea of the
1700R07 fashions of yesterday. ^They are either too tight or too loose. ^His
1710R07 suit even gives away his date of marriage, because generally that_*'s
1720R07 the only one he has. ^His trousers are tight when the fashions
1730R07 have moved to bell-bottoms and they are bell-bottoms when they have
1740R07 moved to elephant flares. $^A married man wears loose bush-coats
1750R07 to_ hide the bulging central provinces. ^The elastic of his socks
1760R07 have long ago stretched to the stage of never-return, and his shoes
1770R07 have been resoled twice over, with re-enforcements in vital places.
1780R07 ^In short a married man often looks as if he is dressed by his mother.
1790R07 $^Look at the tie a man wears. ^If it*'1s choking him it is informing
1800R07 you loud and clear that he is a hen-pecked husband. ^If it*'1sloose,
1810R07 in a great big knot, it indicates that he is making frantic
1820R07 efforts to_ be free. $^A married man generally carries a diary with
1830R07 entries to_ remind him of the groceries he has to_ purchase, or
1840R07 the laundry he has to_ bring back. ^His wallet gives him away too.
1850R07 ^It*'1s always too old and normally bulges, not with cash but
1860R07 memos, laundry receipts, cut-outs from old magazines \0etc.
1870R07 $^If a young lady has doubt about her paramour being married or not,
1880R07 all she has to_ do to_ confirm her doubts is to_ check on his
1890R07 cigarettes. ^A married man seldom smokes the foreign brands.*#
        **[no. of words = 02007**]

        **[txt. r08**]
0010R08 **<*3A Tailor*'s Tale**>
0020R08 $*3^IN*0 the old days, there were always tailors who would, for a negligible
0030R08 sum, sew a button on or repair a frayed collar or restitch a lining.
0040R08 ^But things have changed now and no tailor, big or small, is prepared
0050R08 to_ do such minor jobs and considers them below his status. $^That_
0060R08 leaves one with only four alternatives when a button on a shirt breaks:
0070R08 (**=1) ^You stitch it yourself: (**=2) you get your wife
0080R08 to_ stich it: (**=3) you throw away the shirt, or (**=4) you do
0090R08 what I did. $^Two of the buttons on my shirt front were missing and
0100R08 since everybody kept asking me why I did not fix new ones I went
0110R08 to a leading tailoring establishment specialising in gentlemen*'s wardrobe
0120R08 and accessories and with a clientele which included *(0J. R. D.*)
0130R08 Tata, Manoj Kumar and Vinod Mehta. $^Having been warned about
0140R08 how they felt about sewing buttons, I had worked out a strabegy. ^*I
0150R08 asked for the master-cutter. $^The master-cutter came out of his air
0160R08 conditioned executive cabin, a measuring tape round his neck (like a
0170R08 garland of *5gul mohurs*6), and looked at me as if he was the manager of
0180R08 a five star hotel, considering whether to_ give me a room or not. ^*I
0190R08 said I wanted a terylene suit. $"^It will not fall properly on your
0200R08 body," he said. "^*I suggest you go in for a light Australian
0210R08 wool suit. ^Our drapers*' department on the first floor will guide
0220R08 you." ^*I wondered if I should broach the topic of the buttons, but
0230R08 decided to_ postpone it until the material was bought. $^The material
0240R08 cost quite a lot and along with it, they sold me a special lining for
0250R08 the jacket that_ they had received during the last war from England
0260R08 and which they had sold over the years to only their most exclusive clients.
0270R08 ^The lining was patterned like the Union Jack. $^The master-cutter
0280R08 then got an assistant to_ take my measurements while two other
0290R08 assistants noted them down in large red ledgers. ^The master-cutter
0300R08 himself supervised the whole operation. ^At this stage, I once again
0310R08 considered whether I should mention the buttons, but decided to_ wait
0320R08 till the three trials were over and I had received the suit and paid for
0330R08 it. $^Paying for the suit was, of course, a bit of a problem.
0340R08 ^But I managed after borrowing money. ^And then, as I was about to_
0350R08 request him to_ stitch the buttons for me, the master-cutter asked me:
0360R08 "What ties are you going to_ use with the suit?" ^*I thought of
0370R08 telling him that any old tie would do, but decided it may go against me,
0380R08 and allowed him to_ select six hand-painted ties for me, each one an exclusive
0390R08 design and guranteed to_ be the only one of its kind in the world.
0400R08 ^He also made me buy socks, shoes, two diamond tie pins, shirts,
0410R08 underwear and a leather case to_ carry my suit in when travelling. $^After
0420R08 I had paid for all that_ I asked him: "Do you think you could
0430R08 sew a couple of buttons on this old shirt? ^It is in quite good
0440R08 condition and if it has buttons, I could give it to some poor man to_ use
0450R08 it." $"^An excellent idea," said the mastercutter and promptly
0460R08 sewed the buttons on for me. $^Now, when my friends see the shirt and
0470R08 I tell them who sewed the buttons on they invariably remark: "It
0480R08 must have cost you the earth." $^And I tell them: "No, it was
0490R08 absolutely free."
0500R08 $**<*3WHEN THE PRESS CLUB GOES DRY*0**>
0510R08 $^NOW that the Press Club in Delhi has gone dry, I do not think I
0520R08 will ever again visit that_ city. ^Which is a pity, because I like
0530R08 this city of government clerks and handicraft emporia and Emergency
0540R08 books. $^*Delhi*'s whole population looks like it has just arrived from
0550R08 the countryside around and is trying to_ appear like it has been city
0560R08 born and bred. ^The people are divided into two classes, those who
0570R08 are known by the initials of their names (like \0T.T.K.) and those
0580R08 who are known by the initials of their postings (like \0P.A. to
0590R08 \0P.M.). $^A large number of them travel on cycles, which they
0600R08 lock up and leave in cycle parks like people in other cities do with their
0610R08 cars. ^Others travel in crowded buses, hanging on the sides, as if
0620R08 they were suburban trains. $^Actually, Delhi has no suburbs. ^Since
0630R08 the whole of Delhi is a suburban town. ^Everybody who visits it
0640R08 from Bombay or Calcutta says that it is a city of vast distances, which
0650R08 is another way of saying it is a city with a poor transport system.
0660R08 ^People from Madras do not pass any such comments about Delhi.
0670R08 ^Since, when they visit Delhi, they stay there and work as clerks.
0680R08 $^All Delhi (except for ministers and members of parliament) stays in separate
0690R08 community blocks, with such names as Patel Nagar East and Defence
0700R08 Colony. ^The only area that_ reminds one of Bombay is Daryaganj,
0710R08 where people from Bombay go when they feel homesick. $^Most of
0720R08 the houses are like suburban cottages that_ one sees in Santa Cruz and
0730R08 similar suburbs in Bombay. ^They are one-storeyed structures, with
0740R08 the owner staying on the ground floor and the tenant on the first floor.
0750R08 ^On summer nights, owners and tenants all sleep on coir beds in the
0760R08 courtyards and advise their guests to_ do the same. $^*Delhi*'s summer
0770R08 attire is the bush shirt, which seems to_ be specially designed for
0780R08 government clerks. ^In the winter, all of them take out their suits
0790R08 from mothballs and wear them. ^Therefore, if you visit Delhi in the
0800R08 winter, there is a distinct smell of mothballs in the air. ^The rest
0810R08 of the year, Delhi smells of government files, which is also not an unpleasant
0820R08 smell. $^Life in Delhi, for both young and old, moves around
0830R08 politics. ^On certain days, the young gather in different groups
0840R08 to_ demonstrate in front of courts and inquiry commissions. ^The old
0850R08 gather on the lawns of houses of ministers, sometimes for work, at other
0860R08 times for *4darshan. ^This practice is so widely followed that ministers
0870R08 have permanent *4shamianas, erected in their compounds for their visitors.
0880R08 ^And there is a constant supply of tea to them. $^At cocktail
0890R08 parties, mostly given by Western diplomats (though these also are
0900R08 likely to_ become rare in \0Mr Morarji Desai*'s Delhi), the talk
0910R08 is invariably about political developments and, to a newcomer, the conversation
0920R08 sounds like a series of newspaper headlines. $^Every Delhi
0930R08 resident, of any little importance has his own private source, who keeps
0940R08 him constantly fed with information. ^The bigger the source, the
0950R08 better the information. $^In fact, so important is political news
0960R08 in Delhi that each reporter is attached to a minister, as if he is his
0970R08 steno-typist. $^When he is not with the minister, he is in the Press
0980R08 Club. but all that_ is finished now with the Press Club going
0990R08 dry.
1000R08 $**<*3Getting your work done by boy scouts........**>
1010R08 $^YOU have, no doubt, heard of the *5khari kamai*6 week, business
1011R08 where little boy scouts go from house to house looking for odd jobs
1012R08 and earn some money for their scout organisations. $^One morning, during
1013R08 the *5khari kamai*6 week, I was visiting
1020R08 my friend who lives on the 21st floor and had 74 servants to_ do his
1030R08 odd jobs, when a full platoon of boy scouts, led by their scoutmaster,
1040R08 arrived at his house. $^When the scoutmaster had explained what it
1050R08 was all about, my friend said that he was most impressed and would try
1060R08 and find all the little boy scouts some jobs to_ do around the house so
1070R08 that they could earn a little money for their organisation. $^So he
1080R08 gave all his 74 servants half a day off and sent two of the scouts to
1090R08 the scullery to_ wash the breakfast dishes. ^He explained to them:
1100R08 "There is nothing to it. ^You press this green button and the dishes
1110R08 will get washed dried and put back in their proper racks."
1120R08 $^One of the scouts he sent to the kitchen and told him to_ prepare lunch.
1130R08 ^He said: "I will be having my lunch exactly at 1 \0p.m.
1140R08 ^So, at 12.59 \0p.m. you press this yellow button and automatically
1150R08 soup, fish, meat, rice, vegetables and dessert will be prepared, dispatched
1160R08 to the dining room and placed on the table and the lunch gong will
1170R08 start ringing. ^After that_, all you have to_ do is pull down this
1180R08 blue switch." $"^What is the blue switch for?" asked the scout.
1190R08 $"^That_ is for the salt and peper," my friend explained. $^A
1200R08 very tiny scout, who looked like a dot of *4khaki on my friend*'s ermine
1210R08 carpet floor, was given the task of sweeping the cobwebs in the 38-
1220R08 bedroom flat. $^My friend told him: "I am sure you will be able
1230R08 to_ handle your assignment. ^All you have to do is turn this knob.
1240R08 ^Then all the windows in the flat will open and the wind will rush
1250R08 in and sweep away the cobwebs. ^If you can*'4t reach the knob, you
1260R08 can stand on a chair." $^Another scout he gave the task of taking the
1270R08 previous day*'s clothes and household linen to the laundry. ^He told
1280R08 him: "^You pick up this phone and the laundry will reply. ^You
1281R08 do not have to_ dial any number, because
1290R08 this is a direct hot line to the laundry." "$^What happens then?"
1300R08 asked the scout. $^My friend replied: "Your job is over.
1310R08 ^The laundry will send its helicopter, which will land on the terrace,
1320R08 collect the dirty clothes, bring in the fresh clothes and leave."
1330R08 $^Three more scouts were assigned to_ drain the old water from the swimming
1340R08 pool on the mezzanine floor and fill it with new water. $^My
1350R08 friend said: "I am assigning three scouts for this job so that one
1360R08 can pull out the plug for draining out the old water, one can turn on
1370R08 the tap for pouring in the new water and one can turn off the tap when the
1380R08 pool is full. ^The tap, incidentally is directly linked to the Mediterranean
1390R08 and the water is brought through underwater and underground
1400R08 pipes." $^The rest of the scouts were given different jobs, including
1410R08 polishing shoes on automatic machines and stitching buttons with the
1420R08 assistance of computers. ^At the end of it all, my friend gave the
1430R08 scoutmaster a cheque for \0Rs. one *4lakh for their services. $^After
1440R08 they left, my friend told me: "^It is so much cheaper having these
1450R08 scouts to_ do your odd jobs than keeping servants. ^*I have therefore,
1460R08 decided to_ enroll all my servants in the scout movement."
1470R08 $**<*3Go-slows or working-to rule..........**>
1480R08 $^ONE of the secret ambitions of my life is to_ go on a strike.
1490R08 ^And I am ashamed to_ admit that I have never been on one. $^The
1500R08 fault is not mine. ^It is that_ of all our trade union leaders, for
1510R08 they have never asked me to_ go on a strike. ^And in a country where
1520R08 all sorts of people from Air India pilots who get \0Rs.8,000 a month
1530R08 and stay in five-star hotels, to medical consultants who get nobody knows
1540R08 how much, keep going on strike, I feel very left out. $^And I
1550R08 know nothing of the pleasures of striking and taking long and unscheduled
1560R08 holidays and putting my pen down and going slow and working-to-rule and
1570R08 staging sit-downs and *4dharnas. ^And I have never walked down the
1580R08 main road shouting slogans and demanding the most impossible things and
1581R08 ended up by sitting in the middle of the road stopping all
1590R08 the traffic north and south-bound. ^And it is
1600R08 always the bus or taxi that_ I am in that_ other people stop and never
1610R08 the bus or taxi that_ other people are in that_ I stop. $^And I
1620R08 have never waved a red flag or black flag or picketed a gate or gone in
1630R08 a deputation to_ see the chief minister or the labour minister or attended
1640R08 a workers*' rally or been taken in a truck to_ attend a workers*'
1660R08 rally or signed a memorandum or had the opportunity to_ carry the memorandum
1670R08 around and ask others to_ sign it or gone on a hunger strike (though
1680R08 I do not think I would like to_ do that_).*#
        **[no. of words = 02061**]

        **[txt. r09**]
0010R09 **<*3HOW MUCH I*0 *3gave up for her sake!*0**>
0020R09 $^Honey, I am an unhappy man. ^Life for me is no longer the gay,
0030R09 free do-as-you-please time it was as a bachelor. ^*I am what some
0040R09 may term neurotic. ^*I became neurotic only after my marriage.
0050R09 ^*I don*'4t know what happens to men who marry a second or a third time.
0060R09 ^How can they? ^They never learn, but just live to_ regret it.
0070R09 ^*I think the only persons who benefit from marriage are the bride and her
0080R09 parents, especially her scheming mother. $^*I am now aware of
0090R09 this caged-in atomosphere wherever I go. ^*I remember how
0100R09 as a bachelor I would walk into a party and before the first whisky found
0110R09 its way down, I was surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls.
0120R09 ^*I would talk to them, laugh hug or kiss them, depending upon their
0130R09 looks and size, without even a thought in the world. ^What is more, I
0140R09 would go home happy and free as a bird, to_ fly to pastures new the next
0150R09 evening. $^Today, when I walk into a party, ladies who would
0160R09 have normally hovered around me, slink into corners to_ avoid me,
0170R09 occasionally coming up with a quick hello if the wife is not looking.
0180R09 ^The fun of the party, if any is further damaged by the thought that some
0190R09 petty movement or look might start the usual implications in the wife*'s
0200R09 feeble mind, resulting in a silent drive home and separate beds.
0210R09 $^Wives seldom seem to_ realise the things we husbands had to_ give up
0220R09 on that_ fateful day. ^In my own case, my mother-in-law insisted
0230R09 that I give up the motor bike. ^No, she was not interested in my
0240R09 safety but "what will happen to my daughter if you have an accident?"
0250R09 ^*I have given up late parties, burnt beautiful pictures of girl friends.
0260R09 ^*I have now to_ wear ties and matching socks and put back clothes
0270R09 when I return no matter how tired I am. $^*I have given up
0280R09 the company of young and pretty girls, females with a sense of humour
0290R09 who think nothing of being kissed and hugged on special occasions.
0300R09 ^*I now keep the company of mature women with false teeth and other parts
0310R09 to_ match. ^*I haven*'4t seen a pretty, wrinkleless face for years.
0320R09 ^In the past, my female friends kept our secrets. ^Today if
0330R09 I so much as wink at \0Mrs. D'3Costa she will immediately report
0340R09 it to my wife, just to_ prove that she is young and winkable.
0350R09 $^*I have not had the pleasure of a dance with a 36-24-36 for a long time
0360R09 now. ^Today I have to_ dance with females who are mature in more
0370R09 ways than one. ^They cannot concentrate on the dance what with having
0380R09 to_ keep the eye lashes stuck and rubber attachments in places.
0390R09 ^*I generally end up dancing with females who weigh on the better side of
0400R09 200 \0lbs and whose prime necessity is rearrangement of the flesh.
0410R09 $^In the early days of my marriage, it was okay. ^She was interested
0420R09 in me. ^*I remember those days. ^When I returned from office,
0430R09 she used to_ ask, "How was the day in the office dear?" ^*I
0440R09 knew then that she was interested in me and my work. ^Today the same
0450R09 question could well mean, "How much time did you spend with Yasmin?"
0460R09 $^As a bachelor, I was full of youth and vitality. ^My eyes
0470R09 were alert, and I could observe pretty girls anywhere without even
0480R09 moving my head. ^Today, due to constant surveillance, my eyeballs
0490R09 are stationery and even if I chance to_ see a pretty female, a message
0500R09 from my brain, actuated by fear is immediately dispatched to the eyes,
0510R09 "Drop the view and proceed." $^Burdened by all these thoughts
0520R09 I don*'4t have the time for exercise. ^*I want to_ look young
0530R09 and trim, but then she will want to_ know why. ^My waistline is
0540R09 beginning to_ bulge and this sends me into periods of depression.
0550R09 ^In the past, sweet young things used to_ address me as "Hi there handsome!"
0560R09 ^Or, "Where have you been lately? ^Missed you terribly."
0570R09 ^This would activate all the 16 muscles in the face and I would have
0580R09 the smile of a happy man. ^Today teenagers have begun to_ address me as
0590R09 "uncle" and 59 muscles take complete charge and I begin to_ frown.
0600R09 ^*I have a grouse against the world. ^*I am a neurotic husband.
0610R09 $^Until next time then.
0620R09 **<*3MY HUSBAND*0 *3a man of rare gifts*0**>
0630R09 $^If I said, "My husband is a bit of a miser," it would probably
0640R09 be the understatement of the year, perhaps of the century.
0650R09 ^Most of the scenes in our house revolve around money-- the money I spend.
0660R09 ^What he spends gets the Nelson eye. ^Money means nothing
0670R09 to my husband. ^When I ask him for some, I get nothing.
0680R09 $^Once he told the parish priest, "My wife bothers me all the time for
0690R09 money. ^It*'1s always give me \0Rs 200, give me \0Rs. 300."
0700R09 $"^Yes," said the parish priest. "^And what does she do with the money?"
0710R09 $"^*I don*'4t know." said the twirp. "^*I never give it
0720R09 to her." $^In the first six months of marriage, I used to_ give him
0730R09 a detailed account of the money I needed and he used to_ say, "Don*'4t
0740R09 give me details darling, just give me the total and I*'3ll give
0750R09 you the money." $^Then he changed. ^Every time I presented the
0760R09 tab, he would act as if he were raving mad. ^He would walk up and down
0770R09 repeating in a high-pitched voice, "Who do you think I am, Aristotle?"
0780R09 **[sic**] $^Nowadays, I write out the cheques. ^In the past he would
0790R09 lock himself in the room with his drinks and bills and come down two
0800R09 hours later looking pale. ^Whenever he received bills he spent time
0810R09 and money checking the prices with at least two other dealers before issuing
0820R09 the cheques. ^The sound of a cheque being torn from his cheque
0830R09 book makes him cry. $^*I saw that he was slowly losing his health
0840R09 over these bills and in order to_ save him high blood pressure, I
0850R09 undertook to_ write out the cheques. $^Of course, I cook the food
0860R09 in the house. "^My wife is a good cook and no one can cook like she
0870R09 does," is not meant to_ compliment me but to_ save on the cook*'s salary.
0880R09 ^You cannot expect anything better from a husband who talks through
0890R09 his nose to_ save wear and tear on his teeth. $^The children
0900R09 get weekly pocket money, but they would not accept it from their father
0910R09 even if it was double. ^Before he actually gave away any money, the
0920R09 children would be subjected to a lecture on how spoilt the modern generation
0930R09 is and how he himself got pocket money only on birthdays and Christmas.
0940R09 ^He would even insist on a detailed expenditure chart.
0950R09 ^He stopped demanding it only when daughter Bernice added 50 Paise as
0960R09 expense for writing it. $^*I do not invite friends over for drinks.
0970R09 ^He does. ^If and when I do, he walks up and down the kitchen
0980R09 floor while I wash up, muttering how he could not understand why Shankar
0990R09 drank three straight whiskies in our house and only half a peg in
1000R09 his. "^And do you have to_ invite Madhu and his talkative wife?
1010R09 ^She*'1s pretty, I know, but while she talks to me, her husband sees
1020R09 the bottom of the bottle." $^In the beginning he had a theory that
1030R09 money wasn*'4t a thing you worried about until someone came and worried
1040R09 you about it. ^Now nothing worries him except money.
1050R09 $^At mass on Sundays, you cannot get him to_ be interested in the prayers.
1060R09 ^His roving eye, like a spotlight, covers the entire congregation
1070R09 only to_ rest on a mini or a low neck, but when the collection plate
1080R09 comes around, he is deep in conversation with God, and nothing
1090R09 can disturb him. $^When on rare occasions he accompanies me to the
1100R09 stores, the counter salesmen duck below the counter and disappear somewhere
1110R09 else. ^Everyone of the salesmen in the A to Z or Akbarally*'s
1120R09 have some time or the other been on the receiving end of lectures on
1130R09 how to_ measure cloth, or the equation between price and quality and
1140R09 the efforts the government and especially he, was making to_ hold the priceline.
1150R09 $^*I even drive the car these days, when he drives there
1160R09 are more morons on the road, every second pedestrian is an idiot.
1170R09 $^My husband can drink for hours before he gets his own booze. ^He is
1180R09 such a miser that he won*'4t even get into a fight unless it*'1s a free-for-all.
1190R09 ^But I like him. ^He is a good man. ^He is satisfied
1200R09 to_ let the rest of the world go buy. $^Until next time then.
1210R09 **<*3Don*'4t Hit Him With Your Bare Hands. Handle Him With Kid
1220R09 Gloves*0**> $^*God, How right he is! ^He is
1230R09 neurotic and he*'1s driving me mad. ^Having lived with a neurotic for
1240R09 well over 25 years I am well qualified to_ advise wives on how to_ handle
1250R09 neurotic husbands. ^They might as well know because some day soon
1260R09 their husbands will begin to_ act funny and show symptoms that_ will
1270R09 drive them to the loony bin if wives don*'4t help them. $^A neurotic
1280R09 husband calls for extreme patience-- patience that_ men are not capable
1290R09 of. ^A neruotic husband wants his breakfast at a particular time
1300R09 and in the way he wants it. ^Not that he cares for the breakfast,
1310R09 but his ego is satisfied when his wife pampers his whims.
1320R09 $^Such a husband wants his ego fed every minute of the day. ^He wants
1330R09 to_ be told that he is the only man in your life, even if you are not
1340R09 the only woman in his. ^He wants his pleasures, even if you
1350R09 have to_ sacrifice the daily necessities of life. ^Tell your children,
1360R09 "You must be brave and strong like your father," even if he is a little,
1370R09 four-foot shrimp like mine, and he will be walking on air the whole
1380R09 day long. $^If you want your husband eating out of your hand
1390R09 and thinking the world of you, tell him loud and clear how your women friends
1400R09 think very highly of his charming ways handsome face and especially,
1410R09 his sparkling wit. ^But please, do not mention any names, or
1420R09 the next day he*'3ll be making an ass of himself ringing them up for dates.
1430R09 ^*I have lost many good friends in this way. $^When
1440R09 your children do well in school compare them with the results your husband
1450R09 brought home as a kid. ^Forget that he was an early dropout.
1460R09 ^Mine tried to_ date his teacher when he was ten. ^Praise his mother
1470R09 in his presence, even if you are guilty of blatant lying. ^Neurotic
1480R09 husbands like to_ think their family tree is something to_ be proud of.
1490R09 $^You and I know that our husbands are underworked and overpaid.
1500R09 ^We also know that when they return tired, it*'1s an excuse not to_ go
1510R09 to pictures, or to_ take you out to dinner. ^Work never tires men.
1520R09 ^What tires them is being exasperated at their ego not being
1530R09 satisfied by those who move with them. ^Listen to them tell you that
1540R09 they are cleverer than their bosses, and how better off the office
1550R09 would be, if they were the head. ^Do not remind them, please, of
1560R09 the state of affairs at home, where he is the undisputed Lord and Master--
1570R09 at least so he thinks. ^That_*'1s also part of his neurosis.
1580R09 $^Praise him, feed him, pamper his fancies; he is a good source of regular
1590R09 income however small it is. ^Life is not easy without a husband.
1600R09 ^To_ have an inferior human being in the house helps to_ boost your own
1610R09 ego. ^Besides, a husband always comes in handy in the house for
1620R09 manual work. ^When he brings home his boss, pamper him too, praise
1630R09 him too, remember he too is a neurotic husband and may not have as
1640R09 sympathetic a wife as you.*#
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